Original subtitles

Well, I have a therapy session with a client,

like we're talking right now, on the web,

and it's only three minutes.

I'm not going to stay with a man who takes some spin partner

to a hotel room and then leaves her

because it turns out she's not a man.

Sweetheart, that was a conspiracy.

Of course he wasn't turned on by me.

I don't have a penis!

- What you've done on my book... - Yeah.

This isn't very good writing.

- It's not that interesting. - Well...

It's a first draft, of course.

I was hoping I could just give you this little task.

Yeah, yeah.

You are the Austen Clarke, are you not?

Well, then again, you own the media anyway.

I don't have control of that part of the media.

So I guess you are in control.

III can publish this book. I've got publishing houses.

- Let me publish it. - You do, really?

Well, princess, how would you like to be

the wife of a congressman?

Me?

No, not you, my wife Fiona.

Uh, Mr. Clarke...

I-I-I would really appreciate your endorsement

if you would be so kind and willing.

They want a decision tonight.

There's things that need to be discussed.

Oh, my God, Fiona, my heart is breaking.

Oh, Austen, calm down. It's only temporary.

I just need her until after the election,

and then it's her decision.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

So this is what the campaign website is, uh--

- is gonna look like. - I see, yes.

It's a good picture.

No, the picture I have no issue with,

but it says that we have a pet named Scruffy, and so...

You've gotta have a pet.

Then we have to get one, otherwise it's dead.

Well, that's easy. That's easy.

Well, who's going to take care of it?

- What kind of pet named Scruffy? - Don't worry about the pet.

That's the least of our problems.

It just says, "a pet." It's clearly made up.

We can win this campaign, and we need a pet.

Okay, if we have a pet, we'll win the campaign. Very good.

No, I-- [Computer tone plays]

Oh, wait, here's Austen.

- Hello, Austen. - Hi, Austen.

Hello, how are you?

- Good. - We're very well. How are you?

- I love this look. - Thank you.

- So much more authoritative. - Do you think?

Yes, you look so distinguished and, oh, all right.

- Okay. - You look very nice too, Fiona.

- I love that red on you. - Great, I'm right here.

Kip. [Chuckles]

How are you doing-- how's everything going?

Do you like the website?

I think the website's fantastic.

- Good, good. - I have a couple of issues.

I'm sure you do. I have some too.

I, as you know, have taken on the role of godfather

of your campaign.

[Squeals, chuckles]

And myself and the backers,

we need to get the narrative ready for the world.

The narrative of Fiona and Kip.

- Oh. - Or Kip and Fiona.

- Of course. - Right.

Your marriage, for instance,

you know, in any campaign,

it's obviously very important--

the two people at the center of it--

you're going to be probed, you're going to be quizzed...

- Oh. Quizzed. - Probed? Oh.

And we need to know exactly where we stand on all--

We're--we're a team. We're-- we're completely together.

- We're unified. - Yeah.

I mean, I don't mean to pry,

but, uh, people will.

The Clintons, the Edwards,

- the Kennedys. - They're going to pry?

- [Chuckles] No, no. - Oh.

Oh, people pried into their-- Yes, all right.

We just all have to be on the same page

about the story that we present to the world,

so, just--why don't you run me through it?

- Well, we're happily married. - Okay, we met, um...

- When was it? - I guess--

Well, he was dating my sister for a brief moment.

- We have to go back that far? - Well...

I'd keep that quiet.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You-you met. When?

We met, I helped put Kip through law school.

- Right? - Very good.

And I was working in the finance world.

Supportive woman.

Definitely the woman behind the man.

That's very good. That's modern.

But then we-- we don't have kids.

That's--and that's-- that's potentially a problem.

Well, that's why I thought we'd have a pet.

Why don't you have kids, may I probe?

Well, I mean, we've discussed it.

Are you pretending to be an interviewer?

- Exactly, exactly. - You know I have no interest.

But we can't say that. That's the point you're making.

No, I think--I think you as the woman have to say

you were unable to have children, bear children.

And so, we--we went through it, and we suffered,

and now we're--we're moving on, and we've, uh--that's it.

There's actually some--some-- some mileage in that.

Play the victim. I'm the victim of cir--

- Yes. - Unlucky circumstances.

But I still have a smile on my face.

Well, it can't be me, I'm--I'm running for congress.

- No, you need to be... - Virile, which is, you know...

- Virile, and fertile, and... - Barren but happy, I like that.

- Barren but happy. Right. - Yeah.

You never thought of adopting.

Well, no, I mean, we absolutely did not.

We don't really have time. We're just, you know...

That's someone else's problem. [Chuckles]

- Right. - Why--why would I...

And, um, there's just a few other issues about the marriage

that we need to just be on the same page about.

- There are? - Well, like what?

- It's legitimate. - Yes, is there--

The wedding. We've got wedding pictures. Beautiful.

Just for example, you might be, in the future,

at some point, asked when the last time you had sex was.

Okay, well, what's your answer?

I know my answer.

Oh, you mean... The two of us?

Really? We're gonna discuss this in front of Austen?

- I mean together. Fiona and Kip: Oh.

Oh, well...

With each other.

It was, uh...

Very recently, there was a-- there was a something.

Well, if we're talking about light years,

then yes, it was recently, I mean...

First of all, no interviewer on any--

is going to ask that question.

I think you're completely misguided.

What's--I think there's something behind this

that you're trying to be delicate about, so...

We need to get--we need to get things straight, Kip.

Well, yeah.

Your story about the bachelor party,

and that's how the manly and lacy stuff--

Novelty items. What's wrong with that?

Really, Fiona, the details aren't important.

Um, what is important

is--is-- is damage control here.

And the backers, uh,

need you to do something for them.

Which is what?

There's a-- a center down south.

It's called the compass center,

where you can go-- a lot of Republicans go.

It's--it's--it's practically like a republican enclave.

And, uh, you go there, and you'll get some treatment

and some therapy, and...

She doesn't have to come with me.

No, Fiona, not you. No, no, no, it's only you, Kip.

It's for him, so that he can get straightened out.

Do they--do they-- do they have, uh, tennis there?

- Not so much. - Really?

No, it's more of a...

There's a lot of physical activity,

- but it's--it's... - Well, I don't mind that.

Oh, so it's real.

I mean, they really are going to...

- Exactly. - Do some therapy.

I don't need therapy, I just--

this is about winning the campaign.

- Exactly. - By "something therapeutic,"

- I don't mean sit and talk. - If I have to go, I'm gonna go.

- When am I supposed to go? - Now.

- Now? - Oh.

- Tonight. - Oh.

You have to leave right now.

- [Gasps] - Really?

Yes, it's--it's--you know, it's one of these things

the backers are...

They need you to go. That's all I'm gonna say.

Fine, if this is going to help the campaign, then I'll--

You've got a great future, Kip.

- I think so too. - And it starts right now.

- I'm going. Good-bye. - All right.

You don't need me to help pack or anything, do you?

When have I ever needed you to help me pack?

No, all right.

- So... - Hello.

- [Chuckles] - Is it my turn to get probed?

[Both laugh]

Oh, Fiona, don't--don't-- don't tempt a man.

So, I'm very excited about next week,

and we can really sink our teeth into the book.

I can't--oh, the book.

- Yeah, my book. - Yes, of course.

'Cause it's done, I've looked it over,

and done a little tweaking, you know.

[Chuckles]

- And I think it's ready. - Great.

Well, I've got my-- my best man on it.

- Oh. - Her name is Maxine.

- Oh, that's wonderful. - Yeah.

So, she's close to you, she's...

- She's my right-hand man. - Oh.

Absolutely. I trust no one more.

Great, so, I can't wait to meet Maxine.

That's wonderful.

And then the three of us can work out--sort of--

I have some wonderful marketing ideas...

- Yes. - That I think will be--

That's the thing, Fiona, next week.

New York. I can't be there.

Oh, no.

You know, I've just got a lot of work to do

with this campaign with Kip.

Once--once he gets out of the treatment center,

we announce him, it's full-on.

I just can't make it next week. I'm--I'm terribly sorry.

Okay.

But we have our chats, right, at night?

We have our little visual feasts.

Yes.

Oh, and I was gonna bring some very interesting ones for you

in person, but they'll just have to work on screen, I think.

- Do they? - Show me one now.

[Chuckles] Show-- well, it's upstairs.

So if I run out and then come back...

- Tell me about it. - I'll tell--okay.

Well, one of them is-- oh, okay, it's, um...

- It's a tweed vest that I wear. - Mm-hmm.

But that's it.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Hi. - Hi, it's so wonderful--

you're Maxine Demaine.

I've heard so much about you from Austen.

- Oh, isn't he something? - He's wonderful.

Apparently, he can't get anything done without you.

His girl Friday, or right-hand man.

Well, that's lovely to say.

"Girl Friday" is such an endearing term for him to use.

You know, I don't mind it, really,

but he knows the nature of our relationship.

Might I say...

- It's Fiona, yes? - Yes.

Might I say that I'm surprised at how you look?

Oh.

In what--so refined? So--

Well, um, when I read the manuscript,

I thought to myself,

"oh, another young floozy he's sleeping with,"

so, I didn't expect a woman of-- of your age or--or physique,

or--it's not his normal type.

- I don't know. - Oh, that's interesting.

Well, I'm not one of the floozies he's sleeping with,

so, maybe that's why.

Yes, if that's what you were expecting.

Well, 'cause when I read the book,

I thought, "oh, you know, there we are again. Once again."

You know, Austen has met a hot, young babe

that he would like to get in the sack,

as he is known to do.

And, uh, he sends me the manuscript I have to read

and then connect with them like this,

and tell them, "I'm sorry, no."

And I have to do that to you as well.

I'm very sorry to say, uh,

it's a no, and we're going to be passing.

But can I ask you-- has Austen--uh--

given you the authority

- to not publish the book? - [Laughs]

Has he given you that authority to re--

what ha--what happened?

That was decades ago, Fiona. I run the entire company.

- Oh. - Austen is--is the face.

He's the charisma, he's the pizzazz,

and I, in fact, am the person who sits on his shoulder

invisibly, and whispers God's truth into his ear.

God's truth.

- Yes. - Oh, I understand.

So, I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you.

I hope it's not too painful, Fiona,

and that you have someone to speak to about this.

But the--the book is really horrid.

No, I'm a therapist. I can speak to myself.

Yeah, well--

But if you do have problems with it,

then I think, you know, that's probably--

Jerome is to blame. He's my assistant.

Because, you know, he's the one who did the rough draft.

Oh, so, you didn't write this.

No, I wrote it, he just-- he did the rough draft.

Are you familiar with James Frey?

The whole incident with A Million Little Pieces?

- Um... - Making up things,

having someone else possibly write it?

This is a lot of controversy that we could get into,

and it is not something that Austen

would want to participate in.

No, I misspoke.

When I said, "rough draft," I meant "research."

Oh, it sounded like "rough draft."

That you said, "rough draft." I said that.

I did, and I misspoke is all.

Because that would be a problem.

If Jerome, did you say? Lemme just jot that name down.

Jerome--Jerome did the research, so...

Do you have a last name on Jerome?

- Sokolov. - Sokol--

- And is he a writer of any note? - No, he's not at all.

I mean, that's why it's so bad.

The--because of the research that he did.

We'll find--I'll go through it, you know, and I will, um...

Yes, yes, um,

did you base the character on anyone that you know?

Or that Jerome knows? Because...

- The character Fiona Wallice? - Yes.

Yes, I did base it on someone I know. [Laughs]

Okay, because, uh, I think perhaps if you do a rewrite,

I would recommend that perhaps you have another main subject.

Uh, another character.

Because this, uh, Fiona Wallice is narcissistic in the book.

She's self-absorbed, she has, um, really,

an unsympathetic view of everyone except herself,

and I don't know, I found, spiritually, her to be lacking.

There is no real moral center in this woman,

and she's uninteresting.

That's str--I mean, it's an opinion, I guess.

- Yeah. - All right.

No, I mean, it must be very difficult for you

to be this--this upright citizen who finds, you know,

problems with no moral compass or center in a book. I mean...

Well, you know, faith is important to me.

I attend mass every Sunday.

I'm part of the parish council at Christ the king.

What?

Are you a spiritually-based person as well?

- Yes, of course I am. - Good. That's fantastic.

Are you a-a member of catholic charities at all?

Do you do any work with them?

With cath-- um, charities,

of course, I do work with charities.

Yes, yes.

My husband and I are very involved in, uh...

- Yes. - You know, a lot of, um...

What's your parish? What parish are you?

Well, you know, the thing is that I wasn't raised...

In the catholic church.

Although I wish I had been as a child.

You know, those wafers looked delicious, you know.

Oh, they were not delicious at all--

that was the body of Christ.

Right, so that would not be delicious.

That takes away the sins of the world.

So, it's salty?

Happy are those who are called to his supper.

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you,

but only say the word, and I shall be healed.

That is not a wafer.

That is the body of Christ, Fiona.

And a little-- with a shame filling, yes.

Mm.

You have a Mary Magdalene kind of vibration

- inside of you that has yet-- - She was the whore, right?

- Yes, Mary Magdalene-- - Okay.

Don't know if I'd go that far.

In my opinion, we should just--

I'm gonna tell Austen no.

We're gonna pass, and, uh, I hope--

- I don't-- - You're all right with that.

No, but I don't think I'm all right.

I don't think Austen would be all right with that.

All right? I mean, like I said, I'm coming to New York.

What I neglected to say was that

I'm going to be staying in Austen's pied a terre,

that he's invited me to stay in, there.

Because he's very involved in not just my life,

my husband's life.

My husband's running for congress,

and Austen is ba--

one of his major backers.

Oh... [Chuckles]

Your husband is running for congress?

Yes, Kip. Kip Wallice.

Well, that explains a lot to me, Fiona.

- Oh. - I did not realize

that there was a whole other part of this equation,

so, obviously, I get it. He's a kingmaker.

Yes, he is.

And, uh, I suppose this is mostly about your husband Kip.

Oh, well, no.

I-I mean, I--[Chuckles] It's not about my husband Kip.

He's not publishing my book as a favor to Kip.

Well, it's certainly not about the book, Fiona.

It's not about the book.

We're gonna have to just agree to disagree on that,

but I am the expert in this field.

I am, after all, Maxine Demaine, and...

Anyway, you get it. I guess I should just be happy with...

- Yeah. - Oh, good.

So, we'll move forward with the book?

Yes, I understand.

Austen and I-- we have a shorthand.

Had he said to me, "I'm sending you a manuscript,

fix it, her husband's running for congress,"

I would not have had to make this call; I'm so sorry.

And instead, he had said what?

Nothing. He handed me the book, and then he just fled.

He really hadn't mentioned you.

Uh-right, okay.

It's your husband. This is about your husband.

Now that I know it, I will fix your book.

Thank you.

Uh, there are some books you can get, Fiona,

uh, Catholicism for Dummies.

Have you heard about this?

I've heard of books for dummies.

It just will give you the foundation.

Okay.Catholicism for Dummies. Good advice.

Yes, it's a yellow-and-black cover.

- Amazon, I'm sure, has it. - Okay.

All right.

Maybe also you might wanna pick up,

um, Writing for Dummies.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Dr. Wallice! The car's here!

I thought you were leaving tomorrow morning at 7:00,

not tonight at 7:00!

Oh, I knew I was right!

Of course I'm not leaving tomorrow!

I'm so sorry! I am so sorry.

I've got all your clothes in the suitcase in the hallway.

And now...

Where's my book? I have to pack my book.

I've got your manuscript!

I have my manuscript here! I have it!

You've got your manuscript! I'm getting your shoes!

New York shoes! New York shoes!

- Ahh! - Don't get hurt!

New York shoes.

Got them all. I got them, I got them!

- All right. - Okay.

- I'll meet you downstairs. - My laptop.

My laptop!

I've got your laptop!

[Sign-off sound plays]

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Hello?

Hi.

- I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice. - Hi, yes, here you are.

And there you are. You're Camilla "boner"?

No, but that's a very common mistake people often make.

- My name is Camilla "Bah-ner." - Oh, all right.

Spelled b-o-w-n-e-r, but pronounced "bah-ner."

Okay, so...

Yes, we're down here at the compass center,

and we have, uh, your husband Kip here

as one of our clients.

Yes, no, I knew that he was doing some work

in straightening himself out.

So...

I'm afraid to say I...

- Oh. - I'm--

I'm sorry to contact you with disturbing news,

but we have really hit an impasse with Kip.

Oh, well, it's maybe disturbing to you,

but not surprising to me. [Chuckles]

I think that based on our

attempts at therapy with--with Kip,

that he is incredibly resistant.

- Oh. - Yes.

He is not a man who responds

at all well to the female form.

Well, I could've told you that.

And I really apologize for imposing on you

on your... This very sad day for you.

I didn't realize you were going to a funeral.

No, I'm not going to a funeral.

Why would you think that I'm going to a funeral?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You were dressed in a way that looked so sad, and...

I don't think it's sad, I think it's just...

- In... - Chic, and, uh...

Sort of denial of everything wonderful,

and I thought--

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Sometimes I make mistakes. - That's all right.

So, this is a uniform that you wear at your work?

No, I'm a therapist.

Different kind of therapist from what you do.

[Both chuckle] Yeah.

But no, I--this is not a uniform, this is just

a smart outfit. I don't know.

I'm in New York.

So, maybe that's why I--

Well...

My friend Austen Clarke, I'm in his

Manhattan sort of pied a terre right now, you know.

- His what? - "Pied a terre."

It's, um, his apartment.

I thought that meant "potato."

I took French, but it was a really long time ago.

- I guess. - Anyway...

Before it was French? [Chuckles]

It would've been very funny

if you said, "I'm in his potato."

It would've been hilarious.

So, what we're going to do with Kip

is move from aversion therapy,

which has not worked at all...

Well, you've done aversion therapy with him?

Yes, we put him in a private room,

and we let him do whatever he wants.

Of course he's hooked up to the electrodes.

And... [Clears throat]

We present different stimuli.

And we have given him his choice of pictures

and images to look at, and he'd rather

look at a picture of David Hasselhoff

while receiving the maximum dose of, uh,

the voltage that we are currently allowed

- to administer under the law. - Mm-hmm.

He'd rather look at that than a picture of you.

He's actually broken our machine.

With his, uh...

With his non-response.

Well, I can't imagine that the picture

of a man's wife of 17 years

is going to be terribly exciting.

It's sort of old news, anyway.

I don't know what picture you have of me to begin with,

but it might not be my best.

It's one like this.

- Oh, well... - And it is nude.

- It's what? - It's a nude photo.

I think he had it-- I don't know where he got it.

Right.

Yes, well, I can-- is that why you're calling?

You need me to send another photograph, or...

No, no, I'm concerned that our therapies...

Look, we know it took six days to create the world,

and it took 6,000 years to make an American,

so, it may take six weeks to bring Kip round

to becoming a real man, the man he wants to be.

I'm con--I have one question about your organization.

I forget what it's called.

Straight and narrow.

Straight and narrow is our program.

That's the program.

Down here at the compass center.

And do you have any religious affiliation, or...

Oh, gosh, no, we don't turn anyone away.

We are non-denominational,

sexual--sex--sexular-- se--[Giggles]

Secular.

I always get that word screwed up.

It's a--it's a difficult one to pronounce.

- Okay. - No, it's not.

I just get it-- you know, it's like Freud.

- I mean, what I know about that. - Right.

- Which is this much. - R--exact--

Well, it's all you need to know. [Both chuckle]

- Can I ask you a question? - Okay.

When's the last time you really laughed?

[Laughing] Like a real belly laugh

that came from down deep inside you,

that you couldn't stop?

When's the last time?

Don't tell me. Just hold on to your answer.

In the last year?

In the last five years?

I've never been out of control,

you know, where I've wet myself.

No, I don't think I've ever done anything

so awkward and embarrassing, no.

When's the last time

that you really let yourself...

Cry like a little girl?

In the last year?

You know, I wasn't the type of little girl

who cried, so, I have to say... [Chuckles]

I don't want you

- to answer me, really. - Oh.

I just want you to hold the answers in your heart.

Okay.

And find out what they tell you.

Done.

When's the last time you had a really good bowel movement?

Do I need to let you know when I--

[laughs] Just kidding.

Oh. [Laughs]

Or an orgasm?

Mm.

I can kinda discern your answers

without even hearing you speak.

So, you don't want me to answer

because you'll divine them anyway.

- All right, that's fine. - And I think you can too.

Your truth lives inside your heart, and you know it.

Could I recommend something to you?

You can try.

Because I think that the way

that you project as a woman is so confusing to him.

And it's-- it's so hard-edged.

And if-- if Kip had someone that...

[Sighs]

Was pliant and agreeable and enjoyed a good joke

and liked to give good massage,

I think he would be so happy.

He enjoy-- someone enjoyed a good jo--

Have you spoken with Kip?

Does he have a sense of humor?

[Chuckles] That's odd to me, I'm sorry.

But I have to say that I'm a little offended,

- a little taken aback... - Oh...

That you are claiming to know more

about the man that I've known...

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh--oh...

And been married to for this many years.

And you'd like to--you're fa-- clearly failing

- at your job... - Oh, Fiona...

- I am so sorry... - And trying to put

- the blame on me. - That you feel this way.

I didn't mean to upset you, really.

I'm only here to help switch him

from a left to right.

Well, I'm afraid all that is your problem and not mine.

You know, with your attitude

about feeling

that this is not your problem,

I can see only two alternatives for you.

A, my husband,

the very handsome Trent Bowner, has written a book

that I think you would benefit from becoming familiar with,

and it's called, No One Said You Have To Like It:

Sex Tips for Ex-Gays.

And I think you will find chapters in there

that will enhance your understanding

of how to help Kip.

I'll pass.

Well, that's your loss, honestly.

And your second loss may be

in the divorce proceedings

that we are going to recommend

that Kip proceed with.

You don't want to upset me,

but you want me to know that you're going to recommend

that my husband leave me, abandon me, cast me off,

in the middle of a campaign?

Yes. I think he'll be much happier.

And I dare say you would be too.

[Sign-off sound plays]

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Can you answer a couple of questions

that I'll pose to you?

I sw--prom--whoo.

- My bra just came apart. [Laughs] - Oh.

That's okay, I can just hold it together.

Okay.

It's a front closure, so...

[Laughter]

♪ ♪

It's just very important that we're all clear. [Laughs]

[Strange slurp sound] Don't you dare.

Who's gagging?

I'm sorry, I had my thingy on.

- Good-bye. - [Laughs]

♪ ♪

Tell me one.

- Huh? - Tell me one right now.

[Giggles] Well, I haven't packed yet.

But, um, I was thinking of, um...

[Laughter]

All right, let's--let's--

That maybe I wouldn't have to improvise anymore.

[Laughter]