All language subtitles for Web Therapy - 02x01 - Getting It Straight.SYS.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com.EN

Well, I have a therapy session
with a client,

like we're talking
right now, on the web,

and it's only three minutes.

I'm not going to stay with a man
who takes some spin partner

to a hotel room
and then leaves her

because it turns out
she's not a man.

Sweetheart,
that was a conspiracy.

Of course
he wasn't turned on by me.

I don't have a penis!

- What you've done on my book...
- Yeah.

This isn't very good writing.

- It's not that interesting.
- Well...

It's a first draft, of course.

I was hoping I could
just give you this little task.

Yeah, yeah.

You are the Austen Clarke,
are you not?

Well, then again,
you own the media anyway.

I don't have control
of that part of the media.

So I guess you are in control.

III can publish this book.
I've got publishing houses.

- Let me publish it.
- You do, really?

Well, princess,
how would you like to be

the wife of a congressman?

Me?

No, not you, my wife Fiona.

Uh, Mr. Clarke...

I-I-I would really appreciate
your endorsement

if you would be
so kind and willing.

They want a decision tonight.

There's things
that need to be discussed.

Oh, my God, Fiona,
my heart is breaking.

Oh, Austen, calm down.
It's only temporary.

I just need her
until after the election,

and then it's her decision.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

So this is what
the campaign website is, uh--

- is gonna look like.
- I see, yes.

It's a good picture.

No, the picture
I have no issue with,

but it says that we have
a pet named Scruffy, and so...

You've gotta have a pet.

Then we have to get one,
otherwise it's dead.

Well, that's easy.
That's easy.

Well, who's going to
take care of it?

- What kind of pet named Scruffy?
- Don't worry about the pet.

That's the least
of our problems.

It just says, "a pet."
It's clearly made up.

We can win this campaign,
and we need a pet.

Okay, if we have a pet, we'll
win the campaign. Very good.

No, I--
[Computer tone plays]

Oh, wait, here's Austen.

- Hello, Austen.
- Hi, Austen.

Hello, how are you?

- Good.
- We're very well. How are you?

- I love this look.
- Thank you.

- So much more authoritative.
- Do you think?

Yes, you look so distinguished
and, oh, all right.

- Okay.
- You look very nice too, Fiona.

- I love that red on you.
- Great, I'm right here.

Kip.
[Chuckles]

How are you doing--
how's everything going?

Do you like the website?

I think
the website's fantastic.

- Good, good.
- I have a couple of issues.

I'm sure you do.
I have some too.

I, as you know, have taken on
the role of godfather

of your campaign.

[Squeals, chuckles]

And myself and the backers,

we need to get the narrative
ready for the world.

The narrative of Fiona and Kip.

- Oh.
- Or Kip and Fiona.

- Of course.
- Right.

Your marriage, for instance,

you know, in any campaign,

it's obviously
very important--

the two people
at the center of it--

you're going to be probed,
you're going to be quizzed...

- Oh. Quizzed.
- Probed? Oh.

And we need to know exactly
where we stand on all--

We're--we're a team. We're--
we're completely together.

- We're unified.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't mean to pry,

but, uh, people will.

The Clintons, the Edwards,

- the Kennedys.
- They're going to pry?

- [Chuckles] No, no.
- Oh.

Oh, people pried into their--
Yes, all right.

We just all have to be
on the same page

about the story
that we present to the world,

so, just--why don't you
run me through it?

- Well, we're happily married.
- Okay, we met, um...

- When was it?
- I guess--

Well, he was dating my sister
for a brief moment.

- We have to go back that far?
- Well...

I'd keep that quiet.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You-you met. When?

We met, I helped
put Kip through law school.

- Right?
- Very good.

And I was working
in the finance world.

Supportive woman.

Definitely the woman
behind the man.

That's very good.
That's modern.

But then we--
we don't have kids.

That's--and that's--
that's potentially a problem.

Well, that's why
I thought we'd have a pet.

Why don't you have kids,
may I probe?

Well, I mean,
we've discussed it.

Are you pretending
to be an interviewer?

- Exactly, exactly.
- You know I have no interest.

But we can't say that.
That's the point you're making.

No, I think--I think you
as the woman have to say

you were unable
to have children, bear children.

And so, we--we went through it,
and we suffered,

and now we're--we're moving on,
and we've, uh--that's it.

There's actually some--some--
some mileage in that.

Play the victim.
I'm the victim of cir--

- Yes.
- Unlucky circumstances.

But I still have
a smile on my face.

Well, it can't be me,
I'm--I'm running for congress.

- No, you need to be...
- Virile, which is, you know...

- Virile, and fertile, and...
- Barren but happy, I like that.

- Barren but happy. Right.
- Yeah.

You never thought of adopting.

Well, no, I mean,
we absolutely did not.

We don't really have time.
We're just, you know...

That's someone else's problem.
[Chuckles]

- Right.
- Why--why would I...

And, um, there's just a few
other issues about the marriage

that we need to just be
on the same page about.

- There are?
- Well, like what?

- It's legitimate.
- Yes, is there--

The wedding. We've got
wedding pictures. Beautiful.

Just for example,
you might be, in the future,

at some point, asked when
the last time you had sex was.

Okay, well, what's your answer?

I know my answer.

Oh, you mean...
The two of us?

Really? We're gonna discuss
this in front of Austen?

- I mean together.
Fiona and Kip: Oh.

Oh, well...

With each other.

It was, uh...

Very recently, there was a--
there was a something.

Well, if we're
talking about light years,

then yes, it was recently,
I mean...

First of all,
no interviewer on any--

is going to ask that question.

I think you're
completely misguided.

What's--I think there's
something behind this

that you're trying
to be delicate about, so...

We need to get--we need
to get things straight, Kip.

Well, yeah.

Your story about
the bachelor party,

and that's how the manly
and lacy stuff--

Novelty items.
What's wrong with that?

Really, Fiona,
the details aren't important.

Um, what is important

is--is--
is damage control here.

And the backers, uh,

need you
to do something for them.

Which is what?

There's a--
a center down south.

It's called the compass center,

where you can go--
a lot of Republicans go.

It's--it's--it's practically
like a republican enclave.

And, uh, you go there,
and you'll get some treatment

and some therapy, and...

She doesn't
have to come with me.

No, Fiona, not you.
No, no, no, it's only you, Kip.

It's for him, so that
he can get straightened out.

Do they--do they--
do they have, uh, tennis there?

- Not so much.
- Really?

No, it's more of a...

There's a lot
of physical activity,

- but it's--it's...
- Well, I don't mind that.

Oh, so it's real.

I mean,
they really are going to...

- Exactly.
- Do some therapy.

I don't need therapy,
I just--

this is about
winning the campaign.

- Exactly.
- By "something therapeutic,"

- I don't mean sit and talk.
- If I have to go, I'm gonna go.

- When am I supposed to go?
- Now.

- Now?
- Oh.

- Tonight.
- Oh.

You have to leave right now.

- [Gasps]
- Really?

Yes, it's--it's--you know,
it's one of these things

the backers are...

They need you to go.
That's all I'm gonna say.

Fine, if this is going to help
the campaign, then I'll--

You've got a great future, Kip.

- I think so too.
- And it starts right now.

- I'm going. Good-bye.
- All right.

You don't need me to help pack
or anything, do you?

When have I ever needed you
to help me pack?

No, all right.

- So...
- Hello.

- [Chuckles]
- Is it my turn to get probed?

[Both laugh]

Oh, Fiona, don't--don't--
don't tempt a man.

So, I'm very excited
about next week,

and we can really
sink our teeth into the book.

I can't--oh, the book.

- Yeah, my book.
- Yes, of course.

'Cause it's done,
I've looked it over,

and done a little
tweaking, you know.

[Chuckles]

- And I think it's ready.
- Great.

Well, I've got my--
my best man on it.

- Oh.
- Her name is Maxine.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Yeah.

So, she's close to you,
she's...

- She's my right-hand man.
- Oh.

Absolutely.
I trust no one more.

Great, so, I can't wait
to meet Maxine.

That's wonderful.

And then the three of us
can work out--sort of--

I have some wonderful
marketing ideas...

- Yes.
- That I think will be--

That's the thing,
Fiona, next week.

New York.
I can't be there.

Oh, no.

You know, I've just got
a lot of work to do

with this campaign with Kip.

Once--once he gets
out of the treatment center,

we announce him,
it's full-on.

I just can't make it next week.
I'm--I'm terribly sorry.

Okay.

But we have our chats,
right, at night?

We have our little
visual feasts.

Yes.

Oh, and I was gonna bring some
very interesting ones for you

in person, but they'll just
have to work on screen, I think.

- Do they?
- Show me one now.

[Chuckles] Show--
well, it's upstairs.

So if I run out
and then come back...

- Tell me about it.
- I'll tell--okay.

Well, one of them is--
oh, okay, it's, um...

- It's a tweed vest that I wear.
- Mm-hmm.

But that's it.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hi, it's so wonderful--

you're Maxine Demaine.

I've heard so much about you
from Austen.

- Oh, isn't he something?
- He's wonderful.

Apparently, he can't
get anything done without you.

His girl Friday,
or right-hand man.

Well, that's lovely to say.

"Girl Friday" is such an
endearing term for him to use.

You know,
I don't mind it, really,

but he knows the nature
of our relationship.

Might I say...

- It's Fiona, yes?
- Yes.

Might I say that
I'm surprised at how you look?

Oh.

In what--so refined? So--

Well, um, when I read
the manuscript,

I thought to myself,

"oh, another young floozy
he's sleeping with,"

so, I didn't expect a woman of--
of your age or--or physique,

or--it's not
his normal type.

- I don't know.
- Oh, that's interesting.

Well, I'm not one of
the floozies he's sleeping with,

so, maybe that's why.

Yes, if that's
what you were expecting.

Well,
'cause when I read the book,

I thought, "oh, you know,
there we are again. Once again."

You know, Austen has met
a hot, young babe

that he would like
to get in the sack,

as he is known to do.

And, uh, he sends me
the manuscript I have to read

and then connect
with them like this,

and tell them,
"I'm sorry, no."

And I have to do that
to you as well.

I'm very sorry to say, uh,

it's a no, and we're
going to be passing.

But can I ask you--
has Austen--uh--

given you the authority

- to not publish the book?
- [Laughs]

Has he given you
that authority to re--

what ha--what happened?

That was decades ago, Fiona.
I run the entire company.

- Oh.
- Austen is--is the face.

He's the charisma,
he's the pizzazz,

and I, in fact, am the person
who sits on his shoulder

invisibly, and whispers
God's truth into his ear.

God's truth.

- Yes.
- Oh, I understand.

So, I'm sorry to be the one
to break this to you.

I hope it's not
too painful, Fiona,

and that you have someone
to speak to about this.

But the--the book
is really horrid.

No, I'm a therapist.
I can speak to myself.

Yeah, well--

But if you do
have problems with it,

then I think, you know,
that's probably--

Jerome is to blame.
He's my assistant.

Because, you know, he's the one
who did the rough draft.

Oh, so, you didn't write this.

No, I wrote it, he just--
he did the rough draft.

Are you familiar
with James Frey?

The whole incident
with A Million Little Pieces?

- Um...
- Making up things,

having someone else
possibly write it?

This is a lot of controversy
that we could get into,

and it is not something
that Austen

would want to participate in.

No, I misspoke.

When I said, "rough draft,"
I meant "research."

Oh, it sounded
like "rough draft."

That you said, "rough draft."
I said that.

I did, and I misspoke is all.

Because that would be
a problem.

If Jerome, did you say?
Lemme just jot that name down.

Jerome--Jerome
did the research, so...

Do you have
a last name on Jerome?

- Sokolov.
- Sokol--

- And is he a writer of any note?
- No, he's not at all.

I mean, that's why it's so bad.

The--because
of the research that he did.

We'll find--I'll go through it,
you know, and I will, um...

Yes, yes, um,

did you base the character
on anyone that you know?

Or that Jerome knows?
Because...

- The character Fiona Wallice?
- Yes.

Yes, I did base it
on someone I know. [Laughs]

Okay, because, uh, I think
perhaps if you do a rewrite,

I would recommend that perhaps
you have another main subject.

Uh, another character.

Because this, uh, Fiona Wallice
is narcissistic in the book.

She's self-absorbed,
she has, um, really,

an unsympathetic view
of everyone except herself,

and I don't know, I found,
spiritually, her to be lacking.

There is no real moral center
in this woman,

and she's uninteresting.

That's str--I mean,
it's an opinion, I guess.

- Yeah.
- All right.

No, I mean, it must be
very difficult for you

to be this--this upright citizen
who finds, you know,

problems with no moral compass
or center in a book. I mean...

Well, you know,
faith is important to me.

I attend mass every Sunday.

I'm part of the parish council
at Christ the king.

What?

Are you a spiritually-based
person as well?

- Yes, of course I am.
- Good. That's fantastic.

Are you a-a member
of catholic charities at all?

Do you do any work with them?

With cath--
um, charities,

of course,
I do work with charities.

Yes, yes.

My husband and I
are very involved in, uh...

- Yes.
- You know, a lot of, um...

What's your parish?
What parish are you?

Well, you know, the thing
is that I wasn't raised...

In the catholic church.

Although I wish
I had been as a child.

You know, those wafers
looked delicious, you know.

Oh, they were not
delicious at all--

that was the body of Christ.

Right, so that
would not be delicious.

That takes away
the sins of the world.

So, it's salty?

Happy are those
who are called to his supper.

Lord, I am not worthy
to receive you,

but only say the word,
and I shall be healed.

That is not a wafer.

That is
the body of Christ, Fiona.

And a little--
with a shame filling, yes.

Mm.

You have a Mary Magdalene
kind of vibration

- inside of you that has yet--
- She was the whore, right?

- Yes, Mary Magdalene--
- Okay.

Don't know if I'd go that far.

In my opinion,
we should just--

I'm gonna tell Austen no.

We're gonna pass,
and, uh, I hope--

- I don't--
- You're all right with that.

No, but I don't think
I'm all right.

I don't think Austen would be
all right with that.

All right? I mean, like I said,
I'm coming to New York.

What I neglected
to say was that

I'm going to be staying
in Austen's pied a terre,

that he's invited me
to stay in, there.

Because he's very involved
in not just my life,

my husband's life.

My husband's
running for congress,

and Austen is ba--

one of his major backers.

Oh...
[Chuckles]

Your husband
is running for congress?

Yes, Kip.
Kip Wallice.

Well, that explains
a lot to me, Fiona.

- Oh.
- I did not realize

that there was a whole other
part of this equation,

so, obviously, I get it.
He's a kingmaker.

Yes, he is.

And, uh, I suppose this is
mostly about your husband Kip.

Oh, well, no.

I-I mean, I--[Chuckles]
It's not about my husband Kip.

He's not publishing my book
as a favor to Kip.

Well, it's certainly
not about the book, Fiona.

It's not about the book.

We're gonna have to just
agree to disagree on that,

but I am the expert
in this field.

I am, after all,
Maxine Demaine, and...

Anyway, you get it. I guess
I should just be happy with...

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

So, we'll move forward
with the book?

Yes, I understand.

Austen and I--
we have a shorthand.

Had he said to me,
"I'm sending you a manuscript,

fix it, her husband's
running for congress,"

I would not have had to make
this call; I'm so sorry.

And instead, he had said what?

Nothing. He handed me
the book, and then he just fled.

He really hadn't mentioned you.

Uh-right, okay.

It's your husband.
This is about your husband.

Now that I know it,
I will fix your book.

Thank you.

Uh, there are some books
you can get, Fiona,

uh, Catholicism for Dummies.

Have you heard about this?

I've heard
of books for dummies.

It just will give you
the foundation.

Okay.Catholicism for Dummies.
Good advice.

Yes,
it's a yellow-and-black cover.

- Amazon, I'm sure, has it.
- Okay.

All right.

Maybe also you might
wanna pick up,

um, Writing for Dummies.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Dr. Wallice!
The car's here!

I thought you were leaving
tomorrow morning at 7:00,

not tonight at 7:00!

Oh, I knew I was right!

Of course
I'm not leaving tomorrow!

I'm so sorry!
I am so sorry.

I've got all your clothes
in the suitcase in the hallway.

And now...

Where's my book?
I have to pack my book.

I've got your manuscript!

I have my manuscript here!
I have it!

You've got your manuscript!
I'm getting your shoes!

New York shoes!
New York shoes!

- Ahh!
- Don't get hurt!

New York shoes.

Got them all.
I got them, I got them!

- All right.
- Okay.

- I'll meet you downstairs.
- My laptop.

My laptop!

I've got your laptop!

[Sign-off sound plays]

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Hello?

Hi.

- I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.
- Hi, yes, here you are.

And there you are.
You're Camilla "boner"?

No, but that's a very common
mistake people often make.

- My name is Camilla "Bah-ner."
- Oh, all right.

Spelled b-o-w-n-e-r,
but pronounced "bah-ner."

Okay, so...

Yes, we're down here
at the compass center,

and we have, uh,
your husband Kip here

as one of our clients.

Yes, no, I knew that
he was doing some work

in straightening himself out.

So...

I'm afraid to say I...

- Oh.
- I'm--

I'm sorry to contact you
with disturbing news,

but we have really
hit an impasse with Kip.

Oh, well, it's maybe
disturbing to you,

but not surprising to me.
[Chuckles]

I think that based on our

attempts at therapy
with--with Kip,

that he is
incredibly resistant.

- Oh.
- Yes.

He is not a man who responds

at all well to the female form.

Well, I could've told you that.

And I really apologize
for imposing on you

on your...
This very sad day for you.

I didn't realize you were
going to a funeral.

No, I'm not going to a funeral.

Why would you think
that I'm going to a funeral?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You were dressed in a way
that looked so sad, and...

I don't think it's sad,
I think it's just...

- In...
- Chic, and, uh...

Sort of denial
of everything wonderful,

and I thought--

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

- Sometimes I make mistakes.
- That's all right.

So, this is a uniform
that you wear at your work?

No, I'm a therapist.

Different kind of therapist
from what you do.

[Both chuckle] Yeah.

But no, I--this is not
a uniform, this is just

a smart outfit.
I don't know.

I'm in New York.

So, maybe that's why I--

Well...

My friend Austen Clarke,
I'm in his

Manhattan sort of pied a terre
right now, you know.

- His what?
- "Pied a terre."

It's, um, his apartment.

I thought
that meant "potato."

I took French, but it was
a really long time ago.

- I guess.
- Anyway...

Before it was French?
[Chuckles]

It would've been very funny

if you said,
"I'm in his potato."

It would've been hilarious.

So, what we're
going to do with Kip

is move from aversion therapy,

which has not worked at all...

Well, you've done
aversion therapy with him?

Yes, we put him
in a private room,

and we let him do
whatever he wants.

Of course he's hooked up
to the electrodes.

And...
[Clears throat]

We present different stimuli.

And we have given him
his choice of pictures

and images to look at,
and he'd rather

look at a picture
of David Hasselhoff

while receiving
the maximum dose of, uh,

the voltage that
we are currently allowed

- to administer under the law.
- Mm-hmm.

He'd rather look at that
than a picture of you.

He's actually
broken our machine.

With his, uh...

With his non-response.

Well, I can't imagine
that the picture

of a man's wife of 17 years

is going to be
terribly exciting.

It's sort of old news, anyway.

I don't know what picture
you have of me to begin with,

but it might not be my best.

It's one like this.

- Oh, well...
- And it is nude.

- It's what?
- It's a nude photo.

I think he had it--
I don't know where he got it.

Right.

Yes, well, I can--
is that why you're calling?

You need me to send
another photograph, or...

No, no, I'm concerned
that our therapies...

Look, we know it took six days
to create the world,

and it took 6,000 years
to make an American,

so, it may take six weeks
to bring Kip round

to becoming a real man,
the man he wants to be.

I'm con--I have one question
about your organization.

I forget what it's called.

Straight and narrow.

Straight and narrow
is our program.

That's the program.

Down here
at the compass center.

And do you have any
religious affiliation, or...

Oh, gosh, no,
we don't turn anyone away.

We are non-denominational,

sexual--sex--sexular--
se--[Giggles]

Secular.

I always get that word
screwed up.

It's a--it's a difficult one
to pronounce.

- Okay.
- No, it's not.

I just get it--
you know, it's like Freud.

- I mean, what I know about that.
- Right.

- Which is this much.
- R--exact--

Well, it's all you need to know.
[Both chuckle]

- Can I ask you a question?
- Okay.

When's the last time
you really laughed?

[Laughing]
Like a real belly laugh

that came from
down deep inside you,

that you couldn't stop?

When's the last time?

Don't tell me.
Just hold on to your answer.

In the last year?

In the last five years?

I've never been out of control,

you know,
where I've wet myself.

No, I don't think
I've ever done anything

so awkward
and embarrassing, no.

When's the last time

that you really let yourself...

Cry like a little girl?

In the last year?

You know,
I wasn't the type of little girl

who cried, so, I have to say...
[Chuckles]

I don't want you

- to answer me, really.
- Oh.

I just want you to hold
the answers in your heart.

Okay.

And find out
what they tell you.

Done.

When's the last time you had
a really good bowel movement?

Do I need to
let you know when I--

[laughs]
Just kidding.

Oh.
[Laughs]

Or an orgasm?

Mm.

I can kinda
discern your answers

without even hearing you speak.

So, you don't want me to answer

because you'll
divine them anyway.

- All right, that's fine.
- And I think you can too.

Your truth lives inside
your heart, and you know it.

Could I recommend
something to you?

You can try.

Because I think that the way

that you project as a woman
is so confusing to him.

And it's--
it's so hard-edged.

And if--
if Kip had someone that...

[Sighs]

Was pliant and agreeable
and enjoyed a good joke

and liked to give good massage,

I think he would be so happy.

He enjoy--
someone enjoyed a good jo--

Have you spoken with Kip?

Does he have a sense of humor?

[Chuckles]
That's odd to me, I'm sorry.

But I have to say
that I'm a little offended,

- a little taken aback...
- Oh...

That you are
claiming to know more

about the man
that I've known...

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh--oh...

And been married to
for this many years.

And you'd like to--you're fa--
clearly failing

- at your job...
- Oh, Fiona...

- I am so sorry...
- And trying to put

- the blame on me.
- That you feel this way.

I didn't mean to upset you,
really.

I'm only here
to help switch him

from a left to right.

Well, I'm afraid all that
is your problem and not mine.

You know, with your attitude

about feeling

that this is not your problem,

I can see only
two alternatives for you.

A, my husband,

the very handsome
Trent Bowner, has written a book

that I think you would benefit
from becoming familiar with,

and it's called, No One Said
You Have To Like It:

Sex Tips for Ex-Gays.

And I think you will
find chapters in there

that will enhance
your understanding

of how to help Kip.

I'll pass.

Well, that's your loss,
honestly.

And your second loss may be

in the divorce proceedings

that we are going to recommend

that Kip proceed with.

You don't want to upset me,

but you want me to know
that you're going to recommend

that my husband leave me,
abandon me, cast me off,

in the middle of a campaign?

Yes. I think
he'll be much happier.

And I dare say
you would be too.

[Sign-off sound plays]

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Can you answer
a couple of questions

that I'll pose to you?

I sw--prom--whoo.

- My bra just came apart. [Laughs]
- Oh.

That's okay,
I can just hold it together.

Okay.

It's a front closure, so...

[Laughter]

♪ ♪

It's just very important
that we're all clear. [Laughs]

[Strange slurp sound]
Don't you dare.

Who's gagging?

I'm sorry, I had my thingy on.

- Good-bye.
- [Laughs]

♪ ♪

Tell me one.

- Huh?
- Tell me one right now.

[Giggles]
Well, I haven't packed yet.

But, um,
I was thinking of, um...

[Laughter]

All right,
let's--let's--

That maybe I wouldn't
have to improvise anymore.

[Laughter]