Original subtitles

Hyah!

And it's my pleasure, so to speak,

to be selling the finest line of headstones, caskets,

and burial urns west of the Mississippi.

And doing a land-office business, I might add.

Now, why is that? Hmm? I'll tell you why.

Because the West is getting civilized, that's why.

People are still getting shot up oftener than not,

but nowadays, they're getting a decent burial.

Driver, why are we slowing down?

Picking up another passenger, ma'am.

Well, that's out of the question. There's no room.

Yes, ma'am. Hyah.

Ho, whoa!

What do you think you're doing?

Those are mine.

Mm-hmm.

Well, how dare you? I paid for two seats.

Ma'am, this really won't hurt your luggage,

and it may do this lady quite a bit of good.

Hi.

Howdy.

Right on through, just as planned?

Yeah, just as planned, Ben.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa.

Hyah!

I won't have it, do you hear? I simply won't have it.

Yes, ma'am, but like I said,

no one is getting back on that stage.

That'll be just a might delay before the next one gets here.

Sorry.

Listen, you, you can't talk to me like this.

Do you know who my father is?

Well, not that it's going to make any difference, ma'am,

but go on, tell us who your father is.

Well, my father just happens to be the...

All right, sheriff.

Look, it's very important

that I get to Fort Cordovan as quickly as possible.

Now, here's $500.

Now, I'll just slip aboard the stage.

No, ma'am, you purely won't.

Sorry.

Hyah!

You gents have got me dead wrong, honest.

Ask anybody. I run the squarest faro game between here and Yuma.

I don't know how that extra ace of hearts got in there.

I swear.

Somebody must have put it up my sleeve.

Come on, let's string him up.

You're taking the life of an innocent, upstanding citizen.

Please, be merciful.

The quality of mercy's not strained, it...

There ain't gonna be no hangin'.

You gents move over real peaceful-like.

Get back. Move.

I got a couple of shells here that say

that this is gonna be done real lawful.

No good, my friend.

I've got six in mine.

Hey, how about we take the bags?

Just split them among yourselves, huh?

No, we got what we came after.

Maybe even more than you figured on.

Now, you tell your friends to drop their guns.

Now, none of you move.

Put your hands up.

Hands up!

Why have we stopped?

What's she doing...

What are you doing? Let go of me.

Oh no, young lady.

I've become very attached to you.

Just stay where you are,

and we'll make a nice, peaceful departure with no bloodshed.

Let's go.

Shame the way things turned out after all your planning.

Things were shaping up real fine until that female showed up.

That just makes my job a little tougher,

that's all, Ben.

Let's go.

Forget him. Move.

He's all right. It's just a scratch.

He's just knocked out.

Take him in and turn him over to Artemus Gordon.

I'm going to find that gang.

Is it all right to talk with him now, doctor?

Afraid not, Mr. Gordon.

Why, he can't still possibly be out from just a shoulder wound.

No, your prisoner's wound is superficial, as I told you.

Well, then when can I speak with him?

Maybe never, I'm afraid.

I don't understand.

Take off your coat.

This is a good deal more serious than I thought, isn't it?

Noguri's syndrome. Does that mean anything to you?

Not very much.

It's some kind of an Asian disease...

Very deadly, very rare,

very much confined to Asia, I always thought.

We all did...

until we finally diagnosed what was really wrong

with your prisoner.

It's unbelievably contagious.

And it's communicable,

after a 3 to 5-day incubation period.

Anyone who has had any contact with a carrier,

has to be inoculated within that period of time.

Or?

You're next.

Or?

Or it's too late.

Now, you've been protected, but of course, Mr. West hasn't.

Get him in here right away, because if he's not inoculated

within the right period of time...

I don't even know if I can find him in time,

let alone get him in here for an inoculation.

How much time do I have to get the serum to him?

Dating from today, he has at least until the 15th.

At the outside, the 17th,

before he would start feeling the classic symptoms:

nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, and then...

Dead?

Dead.

For a ducat...

dead!

Oh, my offense is rank. It smells to heaven.

Put the primal elder's curse upon it.

Oh, brothers...

But in addition, Jim and the girl,

not to mention the rest of the gang,

have undoubtedly been infected

by this galloping disease by now,

whatever the name of it is.

Noguri's syndrome, Asia's finest.

I've got less than three days

to get to them with that information.

Well...

what are you going to do about it?

Nothing at the moment, colonel, because it'll do me

no good at all to go galloping off after them

without some idea where they might be.

Until Washington sends me some information I've requested,

I can't move.

I realize you have your problems,

but this situation also poses a few for me,

as territorial banking commissioner.

Well, at the moment, Mr. Guild, I'm a little more worried

about Mr. West's safety than I am about the missing money.

Granted, Colonel Richmond, but the situation

is considerably worse than you may think.

Farmers, ranchers, small business men;

they're beginning to lose faith in the banking commission.

And on top of that,

none of the stolen money has turned up anywhere.

It's as though it had been just swallowed up.

Yes, and since yesterday's holdup,

another $150,000 is snatched out of the economy.

At least there's one ray of sunshine.

And what might that be?

Hmm?

Oh, I was just thinking how much I'd like to be around

when the gang starts divvying up the loot.

Hey, you, whatever your name is.

Dear lady, from the bottom of my heart,

I do sweetly urge you to shut up.

Listen to me.

If it's money you're after,

I have a proposition for you.

If it's money we're after?

You have a proposition?

I can get you money, and lots of it,

if you'll do something for me.

You hear that?

All she has to do is reach out and touch,

and everything turns into gold.

I know who you are.

You're the daughter of King Midas.

No. Of the governor of this territory.

The...

Governor Randolph Trent has one child,

a daughter named, uh...

Ah-veri.

Averi.

You are Averi Trent.

What is it you want, Miss Trent?

I need to get to Fort Cordovan as quickly as possible.

And once we're there,

I'll have Daddy wire you the money.

I'll tell the boys to break camp.

You're practically in Fort Cordovan.

Stacey, give me a pen and paper.

Carl, saddle up.

You're going on a little trip.

I've just heard the missing girl is the governor's daughter.

So it seems.

Well, what are you doing about it?

They must be stopped.

Mr. Guild, yesterday Jim West tangled

with the leader of the gang,

a man who played character bits,

quoted Merchant of Venice.

Reasonable conclusion: we're dealing with an actor.

Later on, one of the gang dies, quoting Hamlet in his delirium.

Sure-fire conclusion:

we're dealing with a troupe, an acting company,

and right at this very moment, the Olympic Company,

a Shakespearean acting troupe, is touring the territory.

I fail to see what that means.

Here, I'll show you.

Now, these pins indicate the stage holdups.

Now, we know for sure that the Olympic Company

has played the adjoining towns.

Which just might explain

where the missing money is kept.

Exactly.

Now, they've already played Elkton, Sierra, and Milbank.

They seem to be heading towards Mexico,

where they'll probably meet the rest of the gang,

so they'll be free to spend the money.

Artemus Gordon is on his way right now

into the next town in sequence.

Artemus, looks like the play's the thing

wherein we'll catch the conscience of, uh...

Wonder who?

Aah!

I thought we had made a deal.

Oh, we have, dear lady...

a most sacred binding compact.

I deliver you to the gates of Fort Cordovan...

in return for which, small service

your father will suitably reward me.

Well, then, why are we waiting here

in this loathsome place?

Patience, dear lady, patience.

Don't patience me. When?

When certain strategic supplies I've ordered arrive.

Til then, allow me to offer you...

wine.

Come.

A lovely setting...

a beautiful young lady...

and a fine vintage Medoc...

whose crimson will pale

beside the crimson of your lips.

You are a thief,

and you'll probably wind up on the gallows,

but you do have style.

We've got a visitor.

Psst.

You? What are you doing here?

Come on.

Come on.

Hey, let go of me!

Aah!

Let go of me.

What do you think you're do...?

Find out what happened to those guards.

And as for you, my doomed friend,

you and I are going to have a little chat.

Where's Clyde?

Over there.

Drunken misbegotten louse swilling himself unconscious

an hour before curtain time.

Get rid of him.

He was a bad Falstaff,

perhaps the worst I ever had to play against,

but what have I got now?

Nothing.

Bartender!

There's a special providence

in the fall of a sparrow.

If it be now, 'tis not to come;

if it be not now, yet it will come-

the readiness is all,

since no man hath aught of what he leave.

What is't to leave betime?

Yes? Something?

You know your Hamlet very well, sir.

How familiar are you with Henry IV?

No, eye hath seen such scarecrows.

I'll not march through Coventry with them, that's flat.

Good.

Nay, the villains march wide betwixt the legs,

as though they had jibes on,

for indeed, I had the most of them out of prison.

That's all, my friends. Show's over.

On the contrary, it's only the beginning.

I could use a Falstaff like you in my show tonight.

What's your name?

Kevin Kimble,

and thank you, I'm not interested.

Would you like to hear

some wild Irish poetry, my pagan beauty?

I'd pay very well for your services, Mr. Kimble.

Thank you. I'm not interested.

And be very, very grateful.

Well, on the other hand, uh...

how can one put a price on the gratitude

of one's fellow man?

Aah...

If I come in his,

let him make a carbonado of me.

For I do not like such honor,

grinning as Sir Walter hath.

Give me life,

which if I can save, so:

if not, honor comes unlooked for,

and there's an end.

They like you, Mr. Kimble.

Peasants.

So were the patrons

of Master Will's Globe Theatre, I'm told.

I've decided to extend our engagement here

another three days.

You'll stay with us, of course.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't.

What?

Well, you see, it's my aunt.

She's taken very ill.

I'm afraid that she isn't expected to live for three days.

So under the circumstances...

I also would take it ill, Mr. Kimble,

if our enthusiastic audience

were to be deprived of your Falstaff

for the run of our play.

Ready for you, Mr. Lansing.

Do I make myself clear, sir?

Oh, yes, Mr. Lansing,

you make yourself very, very clear.

♪ There's a yellow rose in Texas ♪

♪ I am goin' to see ♪

♪ I'm the only one Who knows her ♪

♪ Nobody else but me ♪

♪ She cried so When I left her ♪

♪ It almost broke my heart ♪

♪ But if I ever find her ♪

♪ We nevermore will part ♪

♪ She's the sweetest Little rosebud ♪

♪ Texas ever knew ♪

♪ Her eyes Are bright as diamonds ♪

♪ They sparkle Like the dew ♪

♪ You may talk About your Clementine ♪

♪ Sing of Rosalee ♪

♪ But the yellow rose Of Texas ♪

♪ Is the only girl for me ♪

♪ For the Rio Grande Is flowin' ♪

♪ The stars Are shinin' bright ♪

♪ We walked along the river ♪

♪ On a quiet summer night ♪

I've decided to extend our engagement here

another three days, with you staying with us, of course.

What?

You are a talented fellow, Mr. Kimble,

and, of course, you can explain

what you're doing in my dressing room.

I'm-I'm waiting.

I looked everywhere for you. I couldn't find you.

I decided to wait for you here.

I see.

Any particular reason why?

Yes. To give you this letter.

Well, it came by courier.

They said it was most urgent.

John.

You and I will leave tonight for Red Rock Cave.

You mean, we're not going to extend the performances

for three additional days?

My plans have changed, Mr. Kimble,

so you're free to visit your dying aunt after all.

I suggest you get started right now.

Oh, I certainly will, Mr. Lansing.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you very much.

You know, you were right. This is very good wine.

Good night.

Miss Trent?

Yes?

Would you please do me a great favor.

Why, certainly. What is it?

Well, inside my shirt, there's a cigar and a match.

Even a condemned man's entitled to have a smoke.

Of course.

Thank you.

Had a little good night kiss, I see.

You wouldn't happen to be jealous now, would you?

Me, jealous?

Not a chance.

And what's wrong with my kisses?

Oh, what's right with your kisses?

Well, I'll show you.

Hey, he's gone!

Breakfast.

You might like to know, that unlike you,

he was a perfect gentleman.

I'd made a deal with him.

He was going to take me to Fort Cordovan.

Here. Sagebrush tea.

Come on. Drink it.

It was all settled, and then you came along.

Really? Well, I think you should read this.

How I hate you. How I despise you.

Fine, but you should read this letter.

And when I tell my father what you've done,

he'll break you.

You'll see.

Well, if I were you, I'd still read that.

One of his men was taking that letter

to your father when I intercepted him.

Even if your father had paid the full amount,

you would have ended up

with a knife in your back or a bullet.

May I please have some of your sagebrush tea?

I'm sorry.

There isn't time.

Whoa. Whoa.

Would you please make a fire?

Going to have to be a small one, I'm afraid.

Anything to keep from freezing.

Here. Put this around you.

You know, you never told me

what's so important about Fort Cordovan.

Fort Cordovan is Donald.

And, uh...

what is Donald?

A lieutenant stationed there.

And he's so handsome and so wonderful.

And you're in love with him.

Yes.

But Daddy's taken it into his head to disapprove;

forbidden me to see him, so I ran away from home.

Donald and I are going to get married.

Congratulations.

We're going to live in a little house on the post,

all covered in honeysuckle.

Every night when Donald comes home,

he'll have his dinner waiting for him...

Good morning.

Morning.

I'm thirsty and hungry.

Well, so am I.

There isn't time. Come on.

Where's Carl?

He's dead at the bottom of that gorge yonder.

Good bye, ransom.

That's the second 150,000 we've lost this week.

Well, don't worry about it. We'll get the girl back.

No, no. Too risky.

By now, the governor has to know his daughter's missing.

Yeah, and by noon, this place will be crawling with troops.

And by then, we'll be holed up in Red Rock Cave,

and nobody except my brother will know where we are.

Let's move.

Let's go. Hup.

They've given up.

I'll wait until they get out of sight,

and then I'll track them.

But why?

Why? It's why I came out here

in the first place, that's why.

Hyah, hyah.

Where are they?

I don't know.

Just for a guess,

I'd say they're in that cave.

Well, now what?

Now I go in after them.

Let me help you down.

Go get some coffee.

We'll take over for you now.

Hey!

Help!

Help!

Those-those men in the cave, they're trying to kill him.

Who?

James West. Please help him.

Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Hey! Come on! Let go of me!

What...

I can't leave you alone for one hour

without you getting into some kind of trouble.

We've got to get to that girl

with an inoculation, you know that, don't you?

Yeah, I know that, Artie.

Where is she?

She's in the cave.

Let's see if there's another entrance.

Right.

Well, I never sent you any note telling you to come here.

Something's very wrong.

Not anymore.

All we need is to get rid of West.

We have a fortune at our disposal,

and we're free to leave for Mexico whenever we...

What's the matter with you?

Drop your hardware!

You won't even live long enough to be buried.

It's true.

You've all been exposed to an Asiatic plague.

Without this inoculation, you won't live out the week.

He's lying, of course.

Am I?

Gentlemen, ask that man that's laying on the ground.

Which one of you will be next?

Feeling a little faint?

A little dizzy, gentlemen?

Come on, gents. Speak up.

I've got enough serum here for all of you.

If anybody dies, it'll be West and the girl.

Whoops. That slipped.

Leaves only three bottles of serum.

I'll destroy the last two

if you don't come out and give yourselves up.

No, Malcolm.

That's the last of them, Jim.

What's she doing?

What's it look like she's doing?

You can't inoculate infected money.

Oh, my. Much prettier when you can smile.

Well, what else would a girl be doing

on the way to her wedding?

Well...

Averi, congratulations.

Thank you.

All good luck.

Thank you.

You know, I think Donald will like me

so much better now than he did before.

Averi?

That's Donald.

Donald!

I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Donald.

How do you do, gentlemen?

I want to thank you for taking care of Averi.