Original subtitles

What's up?

Hey.

What you got going on there?

These? You mean, my old jeans

that haven't fit since tenth grade

and haven't been comfortable since eighth?

Honey, I am so proud of you

for sticking to this diet.

No carbs, no sugar, no boobies.

Ok, still some boobies.

But much smaller ones. Booblettes.

Look at this.

I am hugging you,

and my hand is actually touching...

My other hand!

Mwah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put it in reverse there, kitten, all right?

Took me 40 minutes to put these jeans on.

Besides, Deacon's on his way over.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

You're gonna- you're wearing those?

Outside?

Yeah, why not?

Well, because those are acid-washed jeans,

and it's 2003 out there.

So? My fat clothes, they don't fit anymore.

All right. Well, we're gonna go to the mall later today, ok,

and get you some new clothes.

Great. We could pick up some stuff for the trip.

Oh, yeah. Now you're thinking.

All right, tell me where we're going, already.

No. It's a surprise.

Just tell me. Hershey park?

Hershey park? No.

This is a trip to celebrate my thinness.

So, where are we going- salad world?

You're just gonna have to keep wondering.

Are we going up north? Are we going down South?

Are we going east, west?

Will you need a bathing suit?

Will you need a space suit? Hmm.

All right. Well, I'll see you later.

I'm gonna go to the gym.

All right, bye.

Bye, baby.

Looking at you from behind,

with your buzz-cut hair and your chiseled buttocks,

one might mistake you for a voluptuous lady trucker.

Ok, you know what? You've been talking about my buttocks

for 5 days now.

Either make your move or walk away.

Come in!

Hey, guy. Arthur.

Hello.

Wow, acid-washed jeans.

What, are you going to a r.E.O. Speedwagon concert?

I got news for you.

They're coming back, and so are these.

Spero wants to know

if you wanna shoot some hoops later.

I can't, man. Carrie's taking me shopping for vacation clothes.

Oh, your trip. Right. Where you going?

We're going to this awesome lodge up in the mountains.

I took her there 10 years ago. We had a great time.

She gave me this massage with these oils.

Deac... she was basting me like a Turkey.

Ok, all I asked was where you were going.

Uh, listen, Arthur. If the hotel calls about the reservation,

just write down the confirmation number,

but don't tell Carrie, ok?

It's a surprise, all right?

And put it in my top drawer. You got it?

I didn't hear a word you said,

you slinky son of a bitch.

Number 3 should be open.

Here's your key, and I'll go grab you that sweater.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

What?

You can't come in the dressing room with me.

Why not?

I don't know. People'll think we're doing something.

Are we?

Oy.

Hey, Carrie!

Hey, Amy. What's up?

Nothing. Just doing some shopping.

Yeah? Hey, are you going to that stupid

computer training thing at the office tomorrow?

No. I got out of it,

told them I had a dentist appointment.

Funeral!

Hey, Amy.

Oh, my God. Doug.

Look at you! You look amazing!

Doesn't he?

How'd you do it?

I just cut out carbs.

I wish I'd known there was an all-bacon diet 10 years ago.

Turns out I was knocking on the door the whole time.

All right, let's check you out here.

How much did you lose?

Like 40 pounds.

You are my hero.

Your police officers, your firefighters, they're your heroes.

I just look fantastic.

All right. Well, if you like these-

although, I guess, you know what? Hero's not totally wrong.

Here's that sweater you wanted. Oh, thanks

this guy just lost 40 pounds.

Wow! Really?

I would never peg you as an overweight guy.

I mean, you look like you play football or something.

I did used to. And I watch a lot.

Uh, you know what?

I think he's gonna need these in a bigger size.

No, no, no. They're supposed to be snug.

And look how cute they are on him.

He looks adorable.

Doesn't he?

Doug, you working out, man? You look ripped.

That's funny. Usually you hit on her.

Ha ha ha!

Looking good, Mr. heffernan.

Well, your bad cholesterol is down, good cholesterol is up.

Your blood pressure's under control.

And your body mass index is nearing the normal range.

You keep this up,

you're gonna add another 20 years on to your life.

Hey, guys.

I thought you were out walking my dad.

Oh, I was, but he came back here to change.

He wore socks with sandals to the park, and...

Well, some of the kids got pretty cruel.

Ok.

All right, hon, I'm going upstairs,

gonna throw the g-string on

and see what the hype's about.

Doug looks really great.

Yeah. He dropped a few pounds.

I bet he did. I've been trying

to get rid of Turner and hooch here for quite a while,

but all it takes is one kegger,

and boom, look who's wearing overalls.

Right.

Yeah. But he really looks good.

Yeah, you mentioned it.

No, but it's- ok, you know what?

I don't understand why everybody

wants to throw him a parade.

I mean, he's not the first person to drop a few pounds.

What about Oprah?

All of a sudden, she's what, yesterday's news?

No. I think about Oprah all the time.

I just don't get it.

Why does everybody make such a big deal about it?

Well, it's just that people are

used to seeing you together, you know?

And you're so gorgeous,

it was like you were up here,

and he was kinda, like, down here.

But now it's like... eh?

Eh-eh-eh.

I mean, you're practically equals.

Yeah.

Ok, put your hands down before I smack 'em down.

Doug, breakfast!

Where are we headed? Is it in America or in a foreign land?

Or in a foreign land in America, like epcot.

Well, wherever it is, sit down and eat

your special going-on-vacation pancakes.

Carrie, you know I can't have pancakes. They're full of carbs.

Are they?

Yeah.

I think you're wrong.

I'll take 'em.

Dad, these are for Doug.

I told you, I can't eat them, all right?

I'm trying to eat healthy and stay in shape.

Eating disorder.

I said I'd take them. I'm starving.

You've already had 3 bowls of cream of wheat.

Because I'm starving.

Thank you for making my point and for embarrassing me.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Thank you so much for staying here while we're away.

Oh, no, it's no problem. It worked out, actually.

Turns out our place is being flea-bombed.

Ok, so, anything we need to know before you leave?

Um, yeah. Just do me a favor and don't use my soap.

That skeeves me, ok?

Actually, you know what? I'll just worry that you did use it,

so do what you want. I'm just gonna throw it away anyway.

All right. And one more thing.

Here's a list of appliances my dad can't use.

Ok. "Dishwasher, oven, can opener."

How'd he get in trouble with a whisk?

He runs with it.

It's a whole thing.

Now, listen. Do not let my dad drive the car.

He'll say that he's allowed to, but he's not.

All right, the heffernan train is leaving.

But where is it going? Hmm?

You have to stop doing that.

Ok, I will. Or will I?

Doug!

Can I take this thing off now?

No. You'll ruin the surprise.

Doug, I've been wearing this thing for 4 hours.

Yeah, it's called building the anticipation.

Like sex.

Yeah, Doug. 'Cause when we have sex, it always lasts for 4 hours.

Ha ha ha! I get it.

'Cause it doesn't.

You keep me young, Carrie.

All right, now, we're pulling into a gas station.

But don't worry.

This is not where we're spending our weekend.

Or is it?

Ha ha ha!

Hey, guy. How's it goin'?

It's goin'.

Great. Could you fill it up? Super unleaded?

Ok.

Here ya go.

Hey, question for ya.

I'm taking her up to the lake.

I wanna know if this is the best route.

The only reason I'm whispering is because

I don't want her to know where she's going.

Is she ok?

Oh, yeah. She's fine.

Leave it on.

So should I take the 414 or the 28?

414's better.

Aw, thanks, guy. There you go.

Oh. Ahem.

What?

Well, we haven't really discussed

who'd be getting the bed.

Ok. Then let's, uh, discuss it now.

I'm gettin' it.

Just like that, you get it?

A lot of people would call that presumptuous.

Well, a lot of people also sleep in a bed,

but you ain't one of 'em.

You know what? I'm getting in!

Fine, bring it.

I will.

Well, good. What's taking so long?

If you think I'm gonna let

one uncomfortable camp experience

keep me out of this bed,

you are wrong.

All right. I'm getting in,

and I'm not getting out.

Great.

You still wanna stay? Because...

I sleep freestyle.

You know what?

So do I.

Ooh, that's good. Yeah.

We may have wandered down a bad road here.

Douglas, Carrie.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey.

Oh, that's right.

It's the ne'er-do-well cousin and his foppish roommate.

Welcome.

Thanks.

Oh, that's strange.

I can't seem to find my car keys.

Oh, well. I'll just grab the extra set from the coffee can.

Arthur, Doug and Carrie said you couldn't drive.

What? No. They're kidding.

Didn't sound like they were kidding.

Their humor is subtle like Jack paar's.

Arthur, the answer's no.

You don't understand.

I'm trying to impress Brenda sicklick down at the senior center.

If I don't have wheels, I don't have a chance.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

Daniel, I appeal to you

as the, arguably, manlier of the two.

Please.

It's just down to the senior center.

Is it really that big a deal?

Yes, it is that big a deal.

Carrie and Doug specifically said no.

What if it's an emergency?

No. I don't know.

He could probably drive if it's an emergency.

He can't drive if it's an emergency.

Fine. Should you start bleeding profusely,

I'll just sit and stare at you, as per your wishes.

It's fine. You can drive if it's an emergency.

Sweet.

As a token of my thanks,

I should like to make you fine gentlemen some eggs.

Could you point me toward the whisk?

So, did I do good? Were you surprised?

Yeah. So surprised.

It's beautiful here.

I'm so glad we're finally here.

Me, too.

Can you believe I got us the same room?

Hmm?

I got us the same room as last time.

What last time?

Last time we were here.

We were never here.

Come on, stop it.

Stop what? We were never here.

Yes, we were. We were here, like, 10 years ago.

Remember? We became best friends

with Jesse the room service guy

'cause we didn't leave the room the entire weekend.

No.

I said I could stay here forever

because I don't need anything in the world

except you and food rolled in on a cart.

And you laughed.

No.

We saw a raccoon and named it m.C. Hammer

'cause it had extra-furry legs.

Like hammer pants.

No.

You gave me a special massage.

With the herbal oils in the bathroom.

Doug...

I was never here.

Oh.

I think I was here alone. That's what it was.

Oh, my God! I can't believe you!

You were here with someone else!

No! No! It was definitely you!

I distinctly remember,

'cause it was the last time I was thin!

You were never thin with me!

Yes, I was!

Doug, I think I'd remember if you were thin, ok?

I would remember everybody coming up to you,

going, "oh, my God! You look so great! You look so fantastic!"

You're the skinniest man in the whole wide world!"

Never happened!

Get the door.

Room service.

Hey, great. Thank you.

All right. Here we go.

Doug?

Jesse.

How you doin', man?

Good. Good. You?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

You know, still doing the room service thing.

Great. That's great.

Is Beth here with you?

Oh, my God.

Right. Beth mcgurtrie.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. No, hi, Jesse.

Beth hasn't been with him for 10 years.

Carrie heffernan. Hi.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Doug, we'll catch up later.

Yeah.

That was Jesse.

Yeah, got that.

So, you, uh- you hungry?

No, I'm not hungry, Doug.

I'm devastated.

Let's just- let's go home.

No, come on. Look, I'm sorry, ok?

I screwed up, but...

I obviously remembered it as being you

because I had such an amazing time.

Amazingly weird time.

The kind of time you wish you could do over again

with someone you really love.

And now God has given us that chance.

Come here.

No. Get off.

Come on. Let's just stay, all right?

We got the mountains. We got the lake.

We got a beautiful, romantic, nonrefundable room.

Yeah, the same room you were in with slutty mcrubdown.

Come on, can't we just stay

and enjoy ourselves? I love you.

Fine.

Ah. Well, I see you two broke in the bed.

You know what? I like this room better.

It's a beautiful day out there.

Have you guys canoed here before?

Yeah, once.

But I hated it.

It was, uh-it was with the wrong person. You know?

This one, she's the one I wanna go rowing through life with.

Ha ha ha!

Do you have someone you love?

No. No.

I guess there's not much of a personal life in the canoe game, right?

You're married to lake chapawawa. Am I right?

Anyhoo.

All right. Well, let's get going here.

Here, honey. That's yours right there.

All right.

Whoa. Whoa. It's the perfect storm.

All right, Doug. Please.

Ok.

Ah! This is nice.

Rowing the boat, huh?

Hey!

Everybody!

This is the life, huh, babe?

Yeah, I guess.

Whoa! Sounds like somebody's ready to sing.

All right, gotta save something for the row back.

Oh, great idea.

There's this little secluded spot.

Very quiet, very romantic.

We should go there.

Oh, really?

How do you know about that spot, Doug?

You know what? That spot sucks.

We're gonna find a better spot.

You know what? Doug, I'm sorry I even said anything.

Go to the spot.

No! No, no, no! Stop it.

We're not gonna go to the spot. We'll find another one.

Doug, I said go to the spot! It's fine!

No! Stop it!

Oh, this is mature.

Stop it!

This is very mature.

Stop it! Stop being mad at me, ok?!

I'm just out here, trying to have a good time with you!

Now start singing! It's fun!