Original subtitles

Hey, hon, come on.

It's almost 8:00. My show's on.

Un-un-uh, there'll be no boob tube tonight.

Wow, Battleship.

Where'd you dig this out from?

Well, I was in the attic

looking for Twister,

which I was hoping we could play naked...

and I stumbled upon this,

which we could also play naked.

Um, don't think I wanna play naked.

How about no shirts?

OK, fair enough.

Let's get cracking. Come on.

All right, well, I gotta warn ya,

I used to rock at this game.

Yeah, you better pack a swimsuit, sweetheart.

You're going down.

Yeah, OK, bring it.

All right, it's all you.

All right, here we go.

B-5.

Miss. C-7.

Miss. E-2.

Miss.

E-7.

Miss. E-2.

Miss. A-9.

Miss. F-1.

Miss.

TV now.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Where's your Raymond Burr section?

Um, we don't have one.

Uh, what's the title of the movie you're looking for?

I'm not sure,

but there's a wonderful scene on an airplane,

and early in the picture, the hero mails a letter.

It was about, uh, yea big.

And it was with Raymond Burr?

Possibly.

OK, I got 7 excellent choices.

You pick any one you want.

OK, more than half of these involve Chucky.

I'll take that as a polite pass.

OK, and no, no, and no.

Come on, these are all stupid guy movies.

Uh, I think you owe an apology

to miss Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

No, I saw the trailer. It looks stupid.

Hmm, sounds like someone wishes she were raiding tombs.

Doug, tonight, I want to see a romantic movie

about 2 people who fall in love.

Well, then how about Lethal Weapon?

What, these guys weren't in love?

All right, Doug, put 'em back. Come on, Carrie.

It's not happening. Let it go.

Well, I found our picture,

Raymond Burr in Destination: Istanbul.

No, Dad, tonight, I wanna...

According to Leonard Maltin,

it's Burr's finest role!

Fine.

Hey, Deac, you ever have the whole backside

of both thighs go completely numb?

No.

Huh.

I wouldn't worry about it

unless it's happening a lot.

No, no, no, no, no.

What would you consider a lot?

Shh, shh, shh!

Hey, we're talking here.

I wanna hear this. I wanna hear this.

Man: Deep in the forest of no trees,

on the first day of the eternal equinox,

a child is born who will ask the question

that will change the course of Grünian history forever.

Child: Why must we live in darkness?

Man: The Warriors of Grün, Chapter One,

opens next Friday at a theater near you.

Oh, my God!

We are so there!

Couldn't be more not there.

You never read the Trilogy of Grün?

It's a... It's a classic.

It's been translated into, like, 50 different languages.

He was doing so well.

He has a girlfriend,

started dressing better,

and now this.

This movie's gonna be huge,

and I'm gonna be at the first show

if I have to camp out for a week.

Have you ever actually met this girlfriend?

Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey! Honey...

would you do me a favor and unload these for me?

I'm gonna go change.

What'd you get for dinner?

Uh, some salad fixin's

and a nice piece of halibut.

Halibut?

Yeah, my dad wanted it. It's good.

Yeah, it's the ocean's answer to pork chops.

This is so annoying.

What?

Carrie doesn't listen to me about anything.

This morning, I told her 5 things I wanted for dinner,

but Arthur wanted halibut, bam, we get halibut,

and then last night, I wanted to rent Lethal Weapon,

but no, Arthur wanted to get something else.

So we gotta spend 2 hours watching some fat guy

chasing his own letter to Istanbul.

It's so unfair.

You sound like my kid.

What do you mean?

Well, he always complains that his little brother

gets his own way all the time,

so you know what he started doing?

He started tricking the little guy

into asking for the stuff he really wants.

Now I got a 4-year-old hitting me up

for a Victoria's Secret calendar.

Arthur!

Hello, Douglas.

King Arthur, how goes it?

Did Carrie get me my fish?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Ah, halibut, very healthy for the prostate.

If I had one, it would be lubed to a fare-thee-well.

Yeah.

Uh, you know, you haven't told me

any of your World War II stories in a long time.

You were over in Italy, right?

Uh-huh.

I actually have a photo taken of myself with Mussolini.

He's upside down, of course.

Oh, yeah.

That must have been pretty wild, though, huh?

I mean, gosh, being over there,

all the history, the art...

the pizza.

The hookers weren't too shabby, either.

I bet you they weren't too shabby,

now, but back to the pizza.

Actually, I remember the night before our assault

on the German stronghold in Montecasino.

We were just expecting our usual K rations,

but then this little baker showed up

with a wagon full of freshly baked pizza pies.

Mmm, I bet you they tasted pretty good, huh?

Oh, did they ever.

When I bit into that warm, crispy slice of heaven,

it was like...

Like all the misery and horror of war

just suddenly disappeared?

Yes.

Hi, Dad.

I want pizza!

It's OK with me. I don't care.

I want cheese steaks!

I want to try the new Chinese place down the block!

I want Bose speakers in our car!

I want fried chicken...

and waffles.

I wanna watch Crank Yankers!

Oh, yeah.

Warriors of Grün, huh?

3 days and counting, am I right?

Yeah.

Is this the line?

No, that's the line for the movie that starts in 10 minutes.

So I'm... I'm first in line?

Oh, sweet!

Hello, Dark Lord of Grün.

Your faithful servant is first.

Hey.

Darling, question for you.

Do you find me sexually attractive?

Well, Dad.

Yes, I know you're my daughter.

Can't you put that aside for one moment

and answer a simple question,

am I sexy?

No, I can't!

Why are we even talking about this?

Well, usually, when I go to the Senior Center,

I get quite a few admiring glances from the ladies,

but today, zippo.

Even in the pale blue sweat suit?

I was surprised, too.

So just tell me.

Have I gotten heavier?

You look fine.

No, I put on weight.

How can I not have with all the junk I've been eating lately?

So why don't you just eat a little better?

Funny, I always intend to,

but then Douglas starts talking to me about this and that,

and suddenly I'm slumped in front of the TV,

and I'm eating something terribly unhealthy.

I want pizza!

Chinese!

Cheese steaks!

Cotton candy!

Fried chicken!

That sneaky bastard.

Hey, babe.

Hey, hon. How was work?

Good, good.

Listen, um, I'm pretty beat.

I don't feel like cooking.

Is it OK if we just order in?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What are you in the mood for?

Well, I, uh, passed by this new place on my way home.

Looks kind of fun.

"The Vegan Café and Juice Hut."

You OK with that?

Yeah, little different,

but if that's what my little lady wants,

I'll give it a go.

Oh, you're so sweet.

All right, I'm gonna go change.

You look over the menu. Will do.

OK. OK.

Arthur.

"No oil, no butter.

We only cook with love."

Arthur!

Is it dinnertime yet?

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Some day, huh?

City life, I'll tell ya.

Sometimes I wish we just lived in the country,

you know, lived on a...

a farm.

Wait a second.

Didn't you live on a farm?

Yes, I did, from the ages of 7 to 10,

then again at 43.

Wow, I bet you had a lot of animals, huh?

Oh, yes, we had a veritable barnyard.

What kind, exactly?

Everything. Goats.

Hmm, goats. What else?

Chickens.

Chicken. I had chicken for lunch.

Go on.

Well, uh, horses, pigs...

Pigs? Pigs? You had pigs?

Oh, we had about a dozen of them.

You know, they're actually quite loyal

and intelligent animals.

And not bad eatin', huh?

Well, sure.

We would marinate the ribs in a honey whiskey sauce,

then slow-cook 'em over an open pit

till the meat was so tender

it was practically falling off the bone.

Mmm, I bet you can still taste it, huh?

Oh, can I.

Yeah, you wanna taste some tonight for dinner?

No can do.

I'm on a very strict diet.

What?

OK, you ready to order, honey?

Uh, yeah, um,

I'll go with the grilled soy cheese.

Everything was so great, you know?

I was working Arthur like a finger puppet,

and out of nowhere, he goes on this diet.

Now I can't eat anything anymore.

You do realize you're eating a hot dog right now?

Yeah, I know that.

I'm talking about when I eat at home.

You know, Carrie always wants to eat healthy.

Now Arthur does, too.

It's 2 to 1. I'm being outvoted.

Well, you either gotta keep eating healthy

or get 2 other fat guys to move in with you.

That's funny. That's good.

Hey, where's my hot dog?

All right, it's coming.

Here.

Thanks.

Did we really have to come all the way down here to give you this?

I mean, the cart is 10 feet away.

I can't move. I'm first in line.

There is no line.

People could come.

So you really slept out here all night?

Yeah.

Little rough.

Little rough.

Pretty sure someone touched me.

Oh.

Hold on.

Hello.

Yeah, no, Mom, I can't take you right now.

I'm a little busy.

I... Well, wouldn't the paramedics be faster?

Oh, OK, OK,

all right, OK, I'm coming... coming.

Guys, I gotta take my mom to the doctor.

Could you guys just hold my place...

No.

Deac?

Yeah, "no" sounded about right.

Oh, please!

I've been here 2 days.

I'm gonna be gone for a couple hours.

You know what, Deac? You owe me.

I've done a lot of stuff for you.

Yeah, like what?

Like when Kelly kicked you out

and I let you move into my apartment 3 months rent-free

and created a home for you and your kids.

Have fun, guy.

Can I help you?

What?

Oh, God, Arthur, you...

I didn't recognize you from the back.

You look so lean.

I thought you were the Sparkletts delivery guy.

Really?

Absolutely.

Well, I have been dieting like a madman.

And it shows.

End of story, end of diet.

Now let's talk about our favorite South American countries.

Mine's Chile.

Hey, guys. Hey.

What's up?

Actually, Douglas was saying

I might want to ease up on my diet.

Oh, was he?

Yes, what do you think, darling?

Hmm, uh,

I've gotta be honest with you, Dad.

I don't think you're, uh, quite there yet.

Really? I do.

Mmm, I don't know. Turn around.

Mmm, still seeing a lot of butter on the biscuit.

What rear end are you looking at?

Right there, Jiggles Magoo.

Are you kidding? You know what I want for Christmas?

That ass wrapped in bicycle shorts.

No, he doesn't, Dad. He doesn't want your ass for Christmas.

I do, I do.

Doug, I know what you've been doing, all right?

I know you've been using my father

to get the food that you want.

What?

Oh, come... Don't play dumb.

Is this true, Douglas?

So I guess my summer in Bologna

meant nothing to you.

Excuse me.

Tonight's dinner's your call.

I'm easy.

You know, this whole thing is really your fault.

Excuse me? Yeah.

I only did all that because... you know what?

I never get any of the things I want around here.

I don't get the food I want.

I don't get the videos I want.

I let Arthur live in my house,

and he gets anything he asks for,

and I'm your husband, and I get nothing!

Really?

Yeah.

You get nothing?

'Cause I... 'Cause I'm... I'm kind of thinking back here,

and I'm remembering ordering a lot of pizzas for you

and watching a lot of Stallone movies

that I'm pretty sure weren't my idea.

Oh, and then there was that lizard that I let you buy

that may... or may not still be in this house somewhere.

And I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Was it my idea to drive 10 hours

to the Ultimate Fighting Championship in Dayton, Ohio?

No...

but you controlled the radio most of the way.

OK, so what are we talking about here, Doug, huh?

What things haven't you gotten your way on?

List them for me.

I guess it was...

that video that Arthur wanted and...

then the halibut.

So, 2 things? Well, 2 in a row.

Deac?

Oh, hey, guys. What... What's up?

What's up, man? We're going to check out the Jet Li movie.

What you doing?

Uh, nothing, just, uh...

just chillin'.

What's up with the wizard, man?

Uh, that's actually... Uh, is a friend's.

Hold up.

Are you lined up for that Grün thing?

No, no, man. I told you, I'm just holding a place for my friend.

Palmer's all Grüned up.

All right, then.

Um... wait up, guys.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello.

You want some ice cream?

No, no.

This cottage cheese is all I'm allowed.

You don't need to diet, OK? You look great.

Don't, Douglas.

My body image is topsy-turvy right now.

Look, I'm really sorry about everything, OK?

If it makes you feel any better,

Carrie's really mad at me, and...

she's not letting it go.

How bad is it?

Well, she won't talk to me,

she won't look me in the eye, and I'm pretty sure

there won't be any shimmy-sham in the near future.

My second wife Lily used to shut the gate on me pretty good, too.

Really?

Why don't you tell me about that?

I want you to have sex with Douglas!

And I want pizza!

It was all right, man.

Kind of...

Wah-taah!

It was good.

Let's go that way.

I'm in the front of the line.

Been here a few days.

I'm just going to go back up, and...

Nice wand. Excellent.

Oh, Vorpal sword. Brilliant.

Yeah. Mach Tow. All right.

Knee boots... work it.

I'm in front of the line... yeah.