Original subtitles

All right, Dad, we're gonna be in Florida for 3 days.

I made you lunches and dinners,

but you're on your own for breakfast, all right?

Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the day,

but I'll find something.

Perhaps a stray Cocoa Puff on the floor.

Dad, please don't start.

We visit Doug's parents once a year.

Just deal with it.

How come you never come visit me?

Well, you live here, Dad.

I mean really visit.

Sit and chat, get to know my likes, my dislikes,

my turn-ons, my turn-offs.

You know what my turn-off is?

Old men who leave their pajama fly open.

Well, you know what my turn-off is?

So-called "happily married" guys looking for a free show!

Joe, you shouldn't be carrying our bags. Really.

Come on. It's my joy.

Doug, why are you letting your father carry our bags?

Uh, it's his joy.

There they are!

Hey, Rocky!

Get up here!

You're a bum!

You're a bum! You're a bum!

Look at this. Yeah, you remember Carrie.

You licked her face and got sick from all the makeup.

Yeah.

I took it down a coat just for you, Rocky.

So look around. You notice anything different in here?

Uh, more wicker?

No. We painted.

Oh. Well, what color was it before?

The same. We just freshened it up.

OK, OK, the kids don't care about the paint.

Listen, we got a real treat for you.

We got all our old super-8s transferred to video.

We've gone high-tech.

Oh, good for you.

Maybe someday you'll get a phone

you don't have to dial.

Hey, Arthur. I need a favor.

You know my girlfriend Denise?

The one with the balcony you could do Shakespeare off of?

Yeah.

Anyway, um, she really wants to meet my mother,

and I can't put it off anymore,

and I know my mom is not going to approve of her.

Why wouldn't she approve?

Well, you know, no one's good enough for her son.

OK.

Listen, listen, listen.

You know my mom really likes you,

so I thought we could have dinner here on neutral ground,

and you could be, like, a buffer.

Elaborate.

Just... if things get tense or awkward,

you jump in and say something to distract my mom.

So you want me to be your rodeo clown.

What's in it for me?

What do you want?

Let me see. You work in the subway.

I want to drive a train.

You...

Are you crazy?

I... I just sell tokens.

I can't let you drive a train.

Then I want to make announcements over the loudspeaker.

I'm sitting on some very funny subway banter

including a bawdy routine about the "F" train.

I can't do that either.

Fine.

Then I'll take a metro cap and a tie tack.

Done!

And the other guy blinked.

Hey, look. Dougie's high school graduation.

Hey, look at that! That's me and you, buddy.

And that was our bicentennial barbecue.

What are you...

Wear... wearing some kind of Uncle Sam costume?

It was Wonder Woman.

Why were you wearing Wonder Woman?

Ask her, OK? She bought it.

It wasn't Wonder Woman. It was Uncle Sam.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, I was the only Uncle Sam with cleavage.

Hey, look!

There you are again, buddy.

Huh?

You got that look in your eye.

Do you wanna go outside and do your business?

Come on. Let's go. Now, you know what?

Do me a favor. Pause it. Hey, Rocky?

As long as we're on a break,

I'm gonna go do some business myself.

Uh, Janet, question for you.

How old was Doug when he got Rocky?

Oh, I don't know. 11?

Doug's 38 now.

That's right.

You know, you look beautiful in that top, darling.

Where did you buy that?

Well, then that would make Rocky... 27.

Oh, I don't think so.

Well, Janet...

38 minus 11 is 27.

What does such a pretty girl need with math?

Janet.

OK.

Rocky died.

We replaced him 'cause we didn't want Dougie to get upset.

Wow.

Don't you think that's... unhealthy?

Unhealthy?

Look how happy Dougie is.

Hi!

So who's ready for cheesecake?

This is great, huh?

My 2 best gals finally breaking bread together.

Yeah, it's, um...

It's really great to meet you, Mrs. Olchin.

Spence is just such a wonderful guy.

You can thank me for that.

He was a little bastard as a kid

till I spanked it out of him.

Great. Thank you.

I smacked his bottom so red

it looked like an Indian's ass.

Mom!

Excuse me! Native American's ass.

Actually, um, it's funny.

A couple of months ago, um, we were just goofing around in the snow,

and Spence fell right on some ice really hard.

Anyway, when we got back to his place,

his butt was so red!

She's seen you naked?!

We agreed you're saving yourself!

Mom!

Oh, no, um, I didn't see him naked.

He told me his butt was red...

over the phone. I was in church.

You talk on the phone in church?!

Arthur.

Yes?

Do you have anything to say?

I don't think so.

Excuse me. I'm gonna grab some ketchup.

What are you doing in there?

You're supposed to jump in if things get tense.

I thought it was going magnificently.

It is not! Just jump in, OK?

So I finally had to tell Spence,

"you can watch Three's Company,

but your keep your hands where I can see 'em."

Because I knew...

Hey! We're back!

And, uh, Arthur, you had a question for my mom, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Veronica, I was wondering, is that your real hair?

What? Yes!

Uh-huh. And the teeth?

All except the really white ones.

Well, the whole package is exquisite.

Oh. Oh, Arthur.

You're so sweet.

OK, Rock. I'm gonna throw these socks,

and you're gonna go get 'em, OK?

And then you're gonna eat lightnin'

and crap thunder.

But not in the house.

All right, ready? Here we go.

Go get the socks. Go get 'em!

Doug: Come on. I taught you this trick.

You know it.

Hello. Hello.

Doug.

Yeah?

You love Rocky, don't you?

Sure.

OK, this is hard for me.

There's something that I kind of feel like I should tell you,

but I don't really want to,

but you're an adult, and I think you should know.

What?

Oy, how do I do this?

OK, what year was the bicentennial?

1776.

No, that was the actual thing.

I'm talking about the anniversary.

That barbecue that you and Rocky were at in that video.

Oh, 1976. Right.

But you got to give me props

for knowing 1776 in the first place, right?

Absolutely. Color me impressed.

Anyway, sweetie, baby, my adorable husband,

if Rocky was already born and grown in 1976,

and it's now 2003,

today that would make Rocky...

Well, uh...

That's not the original Rocky?

We did it for your own good, Dougie.

You were a sensitive kid.

We figured when Rocky went, you wouldn't be able to handle it.

So... so this is Rocky II?!

Actually, it's Rocky IV.

Oh, my God!

My dog died 3 times, and you never told me?!

Darling, we were gonna tell you about Rocky III,

honest to God,

but she died right before your wedding.

She?!

I can't believe this!

We didn't want to upset you.

As the kids like to say, why go there?

Right, Joe?

Exactly. We just felt there was some things

you were better off not knowing.

Things? Like what else?

Nothing else.

Just the dog.

Ah, tell the boy already. The jig is up.

There is no jig. There's no jig.

We've coddled him long enough.

When you were little, you weren't quite ready for the first grade.

Joe! I'm telling him.

I'm gonna hyperventilate.

You've been saying that for 40 years,

and I've never seen you do it once.

It's no big whoop-de-doo.

You had to repeat kindergarten.

Oh, God.

What?

You told me that was super kindergarten!

Look, you're upset. I'm upset.

Let's just go into the kitchen.

And we'll have some lemon squares,

and we'll forget about this whole thing.

No, no, no, no. You're not buying me off

with lemon squares this time, all right?

Let's get this all out in the open.

What... what else don't I know?

Nothing.

You might as well tell him about Montreal.

No, no!

M-Montreal? No-Nothing good happens in Montreal.

OK, listen.

When I was 8 months pregnant with you

we went to Montreal for a wedding.

I didn't know that I was gonna give birth early.

You were born in Canada. It's no big deal.

Oh, my God! I'm Canadian!

What if I was gonna run for president?!

When were you gonna tell me?!

We were kind of rolling the dice

you wouldn't throw your hat in the ring.

I don't even know you.

Hey, so did you talk to your parents? How'd it go?

Yeah, I talked to them.

Well, don't be too hard on them, honey...

Hey, you know what? Don't touch me.

What?!

Why are you mad at me?

I don't know. Maybe because before you brought this whole thing up,

my life was perfect.

I was an American citizen with a 27-year-old dog

who just happened to be the biggest kid in super kindergarten.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

I learned a couple more things about myself tonight. Thanks a lot.

Oh, are you seriously blaming me for this?

Yes, I am, or as my countrymen would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"

Doug...

come on. Take a breath,

and think about what you're saying here.

You're saying you'd rather live a fake, sheltered life

than know the truth about things?

Yeah.

You can't live that way!

Can and did and loved it!

Oh, that's right, because the way you were raised,

everybody loves everybody.

Nobody ever dies. The world is made of marshmallows.

♪ La la la la

It's dysfunctional!

No, it isn't! It doesn't matter

if the world is made of marshmallows

or if people just think the world is made of marshmallows.

Either way, you're happy. You got it?

Not really, no.

The point is, my family had a nice system in place.

Oh, really? Tell me. How did they manage to break the news to you

that Santa Claus doesn't exist?

Oh! Oh, my God!

I didn't just let the cat out of the bag, did I?

You know, why'd you even have to stick your nose in this?

What does this... What does this have to do with you?

Excuse me. It has everything to do with me, OK?

Your whole life, your parents have shielded you

from every possible unpleasant thing.

And I'm not just talking about pretending

that pets are immortal.

I mean, you... you've never had to carry your own luggage

or wash a dish.

They've treated you like a baby.

That's what I'm stuck with now... a big baby.

Are not.

Really? OK, who pays every bill?

Who writes every condolence card?

Who tips the frickin' mailman every Christmas?

Hey, who tips the pizza guy every other day, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

OK, come on. Listen, honey,

hopefully one day we're gonna be parents ourselves,

and we can't teach them that when bad things happen

they should just bury their heads in the ground.

Could if the ground was made of marshmallows.

Yeah, but it isn't, and we're not gonna teach them that it is.

Not even when they're little?

No.

Do you have any marshmallows?

So I see this guy at Pathmark,

and he's wearing a pair of shoes

I rented to him at the bowling alley the day before.

He stole 'em!

Son of a bitch!

Did you call the police?

No, I went up to him and I said,

"You better give me those shoes back,

or there is gonna be a big clean-up in aisle 3."

He went home in socks.

I love vigilante justice.

Looks like you might be driving the "F" train, buddy.

Anyway, to thank me, my manager let me pick all the songs

for glow-in-the-dark disco bowling.

F.Y.I., I worked in a bowling alley years ago.

Oh, really? Yes.

Cherish every minute you're spraying fungicide into those shoes,

because these are the best days of your life.

I don't know. It's OK, I guess,

but sometimes they make me work double shifts.

That I don't care for.

So take it up with your union rep.

Oh, we don't have a union.

Really? Then you have to organize.

Oh, actually, I'm thinking of leaving.

I just put in an application at Lady Foot Locker.

So you're just gonna leave,

and let the next poor schmuck suffer in a unionless shop?

Hey, Arthur, what are you doing?

She's a disgrace. She cares about nobody but herself.

Who is he to you again?

I'm a man who's onto you, scab!

What are you doing? He likes this girl, Arthur!

What do you care? You don't think

anybody's good enough for him, anyway.

Who said that? He did.

Oh, well, sure. That's what I tell him,

but the truth is, I mean, he's no Van Johnson.

I mean, look at him.

What?

OK, I think we can all agree he's a loser.

The point is, no matter how hopeless and unappealing he is...

Hey, Arthur! Let me help you!

Whatever he is,

he can certainly do better than her.

Oh, please. Who else is he gonna get?

He's better off alone than with this sex toy for the corporate fat cats!

What?!

I heard what you said about that disco bowling night.

You don't get that for a pair of shoes.

You get that on your back!

What?! That's it! I'm out of here!

No, no! Denise! Denise, wait a minute.

No, no, no, I'm leaving!

I don't want to see you or your mother or your...

weird older male friend again!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Sweetie! Sweetie!

Is it me, or was that completely uncalled for?

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, you'll be very happy to know

that I'm taking my father to the doctor

for his colonoscopy.

Yay.

Could be fine. Could be scary.

At his age, who knows what the hell's in there.

But the point is, look, I would never have done this before,

but, you know, I'm an adult now,

and this is what adults do.

Well, I am proud of you, honey.

Thanks.

How about being proud of me?

I'm the one gettin' snaked.

Good luck.

Hey, there. Hey, Janet.

You hear about Doug taking his dad to the doctor?

Pretty big step, huh?

My boy's really growing up, you know?

I feel like it was just yesterday

he was sittin' in his jammies eating a jelly sandwich

watching Heckle and Jeckle.

Actually, that was yesterday. Oh.

Uh, Janet, listen. I want to apologize to you for last night.

I don't want you to think that I told Doug about Rocky out of spite.

I just felt like he should know.

No, sweetheart, he's 38 years old.

Eventually he's gotta learn that life's got some bumps in it.

Exactly. That's why being honest

and dealing with things head-on is the only way to be.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

You're a very smart girl.

Um, as long as we're trying to be honest,

do you mind if I tell you something?

It's been weighing on me for years.

Oh, sure.

What's up?

Doug was married before?

He used to be a girl?

What is it? Bring it on.

Well, actually, sweetheart,

you remember when you and Doug came to visit us

a few weeks before your wedding?

Uh, the night we played Pictionary

with Garry Shandling's parents?

Yes. Anyway, when you went to go to the pool that Sunday,

you left the door open, and, uh, well...

that's how we lost Rocky III.

He ran away?

She, dear.

Actually, she wandered over to the lake,

and, uh, a gator got her.

A gator got her?

I didn't want you to feel bad,

but it's been on my mind for years.

I killed Rocky III?!

The gator did, dear, but you didn't help.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

How could you tell me this?!

I thought this was what you wanted!

I don't want to be a dog killer!

That's awful!

You see!

That's why it's no good to say things!

I knew we were right!

I don't know about his colon,

but his brain ain't workin' too good.

Forgot his car keys, you know what I'm sayin'?

I killed Rocky III.

What?

I fed her to an alligator.

Why did you tell her?!

She made me be more open.

That's not being open. That's being stupid.

You killed my dog?

I feel terrible!

Of course you feel terrible!

Because when you hear terrible things, you feel terrible!

That's why we never said terrible things around here!

Thank you!

Uh, Dougie, can we do this later?

I got my colonoscopy.

Are you crazy?!

As far as I'm concerned, you don't even have a colon.

Your body is just filled with big, fluffy marshmallows.

And if anything ever happens to him,

you go right out to that golf course

and you get us a Daddy II.

Everybody got that?!

Good!

So what do we do now?

All: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Rocky ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

He looks good for 28, huh?

Mm-hmm, he looks real good, honey.

P.A. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

we now honor our neighbors to the north

with the playing of Canada's national anthem.

♪ O Canada

♪ Our home and native land

♪ True patriot love

♪ In all thy sons command