Original subtitles

So I'm working the counter at the bowling alley,

and Spence returns his shoes.

And I'm about to spray them, and he says, "Don't bother."

Then he pulls out this little travel shoe sprayer,

like he's James Bond or something.

I had to ask him out right there on the spot.

Well, you're only human, right?

Actually, most women are turned on

by his asthma inhaler.

But for me, it's always been the bite plate.

Anyway, since then, it has been

a month of heaven, right, cutie?

Mm-hmm!

Except for... the incident.

Uh-oh!

Denise bought me the ugliest contact paper

for my kitchen drawers.

It's adorable!

Hey, it's not.

But if teddy bears wearing aprons

is what you like, then I support that

because that's part of who you are.

Just like line dancing is part of who you are.

Exactly!

Plus, there are plenty of things we both like.

Like...

La Boheme! La Boheme!

They're a cute couple,

but they just turned a bad corner.

I wanted to see La Boheme.

I love the opera.

Since when?

Uh, since I was a kid

and I saw Rigoletto

after Sarette Hornblass' bat mitzvah.

OK, I didn't understand one word in that sentence,

and I'm not going.

Doug, I felt the same way as you

until I saw it.

I mean, I went to mock,

I stayed to rock.

Please don't make me go.

All right, boys, time for a little moo shu

and some March madness.

That's what I'm talking about.

College hoops, only my favorite time of year.

OK, let's fire this sucker up.

Who we got, who we got?

OK, it's 5:00.

We got Southern Illinois vs. American Samoa.

Who do you like, Deac?

I think this is Samoa's year.

Yeah.

Keep it down a sec, guys, I got a message here.

Carrie On Answering Machine: Hey, hon, it's me. Listen,

one of the partners can get me 2 free tickets tonight

for La Boheme. I have to let him know by 6:00

or he's giving them to someone else.

I promise you'll have a good time.

Call me before 6:00, OK? Love you, bye.

Damn it!

Hey, La Boheme. Good for you.

Know what I'm doing tonight?

Not seeing La Boheme.

You know what? I'm not seeing it, either.

I just... I gotta think of a way out of this.

Why don't you just tell Carrie you're watching hoops,

you don't feel like going.

Yeah, that's a good idea. The only problem is

I don't want one of her boots in this area.

Well, then, you're going to the opera, boy.

You best get your mind right.

Wait a second. I can't go to the opera

if I never heard Carrie's message, right?

And I couldn't have heard her message if...

I was working late! That's it! Get everything up, guys.

We're out of here. Go! Clean it up!

What? I just rolled my first moo sh...

Yeah, well, you know what? You can eat it

on the bus ride home, all right?

We gotta get this room looking exactly like it was

when we walked in. Come on, let's go!

That's it. Next time, we're watching TV

at the divorced guy's house.

You know what? Don't forget anything, too.

Carrie's got eyes like a hawk.

All right. Oh, man.

OK. Come on, let's go.

Hey, Deac, hand me a napkin.

There's a little plum sauce on the table.

Whoa! Hold it!

Wait a second.

OK, that's not plum sauce. That's jelly from yesterday.

That stays. Let's go, let's go!

Answering machine!

What about it?

Oh, my God. The light's not flashing anymore.

Carrie's gonna know I checked the message.

And we're back at the opera.

No, no, no, no, no! Deac, call me on your cell phone.

Leave a message. The light will flash again

and both messages will play as new.

I don't want to get in the middle of this.

I'm kind of fond of this area.

Fine, then, Danny, you do it.

Really? Thanks.

OK, so, uh, what do I say?

I don't know. Just say, "Doug, it's Danny. Call me later."

Well, what am I calling about?

It doesn't matter!

You know what, I can't watch this anymore.

Thank you.

Gotta get me some grown-ass friends.

Doug: Hey, you've reached the Heffernans.

Leave a message.

Hey, man. Sorry you got roped into the late shift.

Listen, remember to bring my Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.

I gotta... Kirby, I told you

to quit unbuckling Major's car seat!

Boy, I will pull over and leave your behind on the B.Q.E.!

That's what you want, huh? You want to live on the highway?

That all right?

I got chills.

Doug? Doug!

Hey, hon.

Are you just getting home now?

Yeah. I got stuck with the late shift at the last minute.

What you got there? The mail?

Yeah. I left you a message earlier today.

I could've gotten us La Boheme tickets for tonight

from one of the partners.

Aww. Well, there's nothing I could've done about it.

Nick Faruno's wife went into labor.

Just what we need, another one of him in the world, huh?

Ugh! God.

We, uh, get any messages?

Well, I know there's one from me.

Carrie: Hey, hon, it's me.

Listen, one of the partners can get me...

Deacon: Hey, man. Hey, sorry you got roped

into the late shift. Listen, remember to bring my Coltrane CD

to work tomorrow. I want to...

Kirby, I told you to quit unbuckling Major's car seat!

Boy, I will pull over and leave your behind on the B.Q.E.!

That what you want, huh? You want to live on the highway?

Hmm.

You ask me, that kid could use

a little taste of highway life, huh?

Knock the sissy out of him.

W-what are you doing?

I just want to...

I just want to hear something again.

Deacon: Leave your behind on the B.Q.E.!

That what you want, huh? You want to live on the highway?

Hey, did you know there's another outlet over here?

Come here, you gotta check this out! It's wild! 3-prong!

You want to live on the highway?

Hey, let's go get pizza right now

like 2 crazy kids. Come on, let's go right now, huh?

Who's hungry for fun?

Wh-what are you doing?

That was Pepper barking

on that message.

Deacon didn't call from his car.

He called from inside our house.

No, no, no. You know what probably happened?

Pepper probably got out

and was chasing Deacon's car on the highway.

Damn it, keep your gate closed!

I gotta go talk to them.

Doug, Deacon left us a phony message.

Why would he do that?

Shh. We're both tense. Let's get that pizza.

Doug, what the hell is going on here?

Shh. I don't know.

Doug, tell me what the hell is going on,

or so help me, I will kill you.

And I don't mean that funny,

"Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill you."

I mean I will stop your heart!

OK, I was home. OK, I heard your stinking message.

I had Deacon leave another one

so the light would flash again.

Then I left and I waited in the car

till you got home.

So you would rather

sit in the car for 3 hours

then in a theater for 2?

It's the opera! They sing every word in foreign!

Oh, my God!

Carrie!

Do me a favor... Get away from me.

But it was my only way out!

It wasn't your only way out, Doug.

If you were a grown-up, you would just say,

"Carrie, I don't want to go to the opera,"

and that would've been the end of it.

I did that, and it wasn't the end of it.

It's never the end of it until you crush me to dust!

Oh, I crush you to dust.

Doug, I can barely roll you off my arm

when we're sleeping.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I got a couple pounds on you,

no argument there.

But don't you kid yourself.

You're the one who rules this relationship.

Oh, I rule the relationship. How do I rule the relationship?

With fear.

I'm scared of you, yeah.

Hmm. You're scared of me.

Yeah, I said it.

And, frankly, I'm a little scared that I said it.

You know, you are so full of crap!

Not crap. Terror.

Terror? You know what, Doug?

I don't think this has to do

with you being scared of me at all.

No, this has to do with you

being a big selfish baby and trying to cover it up.

Because I'm scared of you!

Anyway, you think I like having to lie all the time?

I mean, except for our marriage,

I'm a pretty honest guy.

So this lying, you do it all the time?

No.

Yes, yes, I do.

Like when? Give me an example.

All right, um, well, you know

when you were upset at the guys at the car wash

because you thought they shorted out our power seats?

Yeah. Actually, that was me.

I was working 2 buttons at once

trying to get it to buck.

Like Urban Cowboy, you know.

But I got a letter of apology from Enrique.

That was me writing lefty.

I knew "gracias" wasn't spelled with a "z"!

OK, what else?

All right, well, uh,

often I enjoy a pre-dinner Whopper on my drive home.

Yeah, and you know why you don't smell it on me?

Because I change uniforms in the garage.

Yeah, because of you,

I gotta stash uniforms all over this place.

Wow! That's one deceitful

and self-destructive. Kudos!

Oh, Carrie, come on, all right? I do what I gotta do

to keep this marriage running smoothly, OK?

You just see the sausage.

You don't see how it's made.

Are you listening to yourself?

I mean, I'm not the scary one here.

Nuh-uh! You're the scary one.

I am? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Then how come

they didn't make a horror movie called Doug?

Huh? Carrie? Yeah!

I hope this isn't a bad time.

Oh, no. No, come in.

OK, I just want to go over my bill

for walking your dad like we discussed.

I don't want you to think

I cook the books or anything.

Sure, sure. OK.

On the 15th, I have a charge for 89 cents

because I bought biscuits for the other dogs

and Arthur got jealous and demanded marshmallow Peeps.

Um... Holly, can I ask you a question?

I know. When did the price of Peeps go up?

I was stunned.

Do you find me... scary?

You know, I'll just pay for the Peeps myself.

No, Holly, come on! I really want to know.

Just be honest with me. I mean, how do you feel

when you're around me? Like right now?

Happy.

OK, well, I'm looking right at you,

and I'm not seeing happy.

I can do better. Happy!

Holly, come on! I just need you

to answer the question. I mean, is that too much to ask?

I think we've been pretty damn good to you.

Oh, God, are you gonna fire me?

No, I'm not gonna fire you!

I just need you to answer the question.

What? Am I scary?

No! Holly!

Yes, yes, you're terrifying me!

You've terrified me since the day we met!

Thank you.

Here's Carrie!

Hi.

Relax. I come in peace.

Really? You're not mad anymore?

No.

Look, I'm sorry.

I said some really rough things last night

because I was flailing, but...

you're great.

Well, you know, I can be scary sometimes,

and I really don't like that about myself.

Yeah, but I'm very selfish,

and my lying has gotten way out of control.

But you know what it is? Sometimes we just...

We bring the worst out in each other,

and it doesn't have to be like that.

I mean, we could have a more honest

and supportive relationship

if we were willing to work on it.

Sign me up for that. Mm-wah!

Doug? Yeah?

I thought we were gonna work on it.

Now?

Yes, now!

Oh. OK. Well...

let's work on it. OK.

What do we do?

Well, um,

well, why don't you try telling me the truth

about something you would normally hide,

and I will try to respond

without making you poop yourself.

All right, uh...

Oh, let me see. OK, our... our Visa bill.

Have you... have you looked at it yet?

No.

OK, well, there's a charge on here

from a video store for "G.G.W."

That stands for Girls Gone Wild.

Uh-huh.

Now, I was planning on telling you that "G.G.W."

stood for George Washington.

And what were you planning on telling me

the middle "G" stood for?

Gary.

Gary. OK.

Well, I'm just curious, Doug,

in a, you know, supportive,

non-scary way, of course,

why you would purchase a Girls Gone Wild video

in the first place?

That's a good question, and I support that question.

Mm-hmm.

There's something about the "going wild" process

that fascinates me.

Right, right, right.

I mean, because I could understand

why guys who aren't married to attractive women

would want to buy that video, but...

You know what I'm saying?

Ha ha ha! You do?

I do, I do. OK, OK.

And yet I don't know.

OK.

Ahem. So, where is this video?

It's in the My Fair Lady box.

OK. Well...

thank you for telling me.

Thank you for not getting upset.

No problem.

One other thing.

Yeah?

I'm gonna go to race car driving school.

I'm sorry?

Yeah. Jimmy from work,

his uncle runs a place.

It's every Saturday for, like, a few months.

OK. And what lie were you planning on telling me

every time you snuck out of the house?

I hadn't thought of it yet.

Probably something medical, you know.

Well... Doug...

A liiittle scary on the Doug there.

Doug... honey...

I can't support your race car driving

because I would rather support

your continuing to live.

I respect that, and I would ask

that you would support me anyway

because that is what a supportive relationship

indeed is.

Hmm. OK.

And in that same supportive vein,

would you go to La Boheme with me?

No, but thank you for asking.

Gee, it was so sweet of you

to invite me to lunch, Carrie.

Well, you're dating Spence,

and he's our friend, so, you know.

Oh, so is this like a tradition?

Like, when Spence gets a new girlfriend

you take her to lunch to check her out?

Actually, it hasn't come up that much.

No. Yeah, no, I just wanted

to pick your brain about something.

Oh, well, fine.

Just a leave a little for me. Heh heh heh!

Right. Right, right, right.

Listen, I noticed that you and Spence

really respect and support each other.

Oh, yeah. Um, in our relationship,

that's job one.

OK, you see,

now, I've been trying to do that with Doug recently,

and I gotta admit... Not loving it.

Well, I guess I feel that way sometimes a little,

but I just deal with it.

How?

Well, like, for instance,

this Sunday is our 6-week anniversary,

and, um, Spence is missing it

to go to his Dark Shadows convention.

But I'm OK with that because I know it's important to him.

Dark Shadows? What is that?

Um, it was, like, a soap opera a long time ago

with, um, vampires, I think.

But, um, like I said, I'm OK with it

because I know it's important to him.

You see, that's what I'm talk...

I wish I could be like that.

I mean, if it was my boyfriend, I'd say,

"You selfish jerk! You're gonna spend our anniversary"

"with a bunch of dorks dressed up like Count Chocula?"

"OK, freak, have a good time,

"because when you get back,

I'm gonna punch your fangs down your throat."

Oh, well. Can you pass the ketchup?

I don't know what got into her.

Suddenly, I gotta miss the DarkShadows convention

for our 6-week anniversary,

and she threatened to punch my fangs down my throat.

It was very disturbing.

Something wrong with your Whopper?

No. Why?

Because it's still there.

You know what it is? The pre-dinner Whopper

was my favorite part of the day,

but now that I don't have to hide it from Carrie,

it's just a gross, disgusting habit.

It was always that.

I know, but all the hiding, all the deceit,

that's what made it so great.

I gotta tell you, I miss the thrill of the dance.

You know, Dark Shadows is not Star Trek.

I mean, they don't have conventions every week.

If I miss this one,

I'm looking at a 3-year dry spell.

I cannot survive in just the chat rooms!

Will you quit bitching about it already?

Hey, I blew 70 bucks on a Barnabas Collins costume,

and now it's worthless! It's just worthless.

So go to the stupid convention.

I can't! Denise'll hate me.

Please, this is so easy to pull off.

What are you talking about?

You just have somebody from work call you,

and you make sure Denise picks up.

Then the work friend pretends to be

from the Dark Shadows convention,

says she's sorry to hear you're canceling.

Denise'll be so touched,

she'll think you're the greatest guy in the world.

A few days later,

you have the same person call,

leave another message saying she's sorry,

but they can't refund your money like they thought.

Denise'll feel so bad,

she'll send you there in a freakin' limo.

That was brilliant.

I know.

Carrie: Hey. Hey.

Did you have a good afternoon?

Yeah. How about you?

Yeah, I did.

Well, I see you... You had a Whopper again.

Um, no, actually, I didn't have a Whopper.

What are you talking about?

I am staring directly at a piece of lettuce,

and the only lettuce you let come near you

is on a hamburger.

You know, I was thinking about what you said,

and you're right. I should start eating healthier,

so I, uh... I got a salad.

A salad? Yeah.

Ohh. What kind of salad?

Insalata primavera.

So you only had a salad today?

That's all.

Hmm. Oh!

What's this ketchup packet doing here?

I made my own Russian dressing.

What kind of salad you say you had again?

Insalata primavera.

Insalata primavera. OK.

Excuse me.

Uh, Doug? Yeah?

If you're lying, I will find out, and I will kill you.

I know you will, honey. I know.

OK.

Hmph!

And we're back.

You get some slut from work

to make fake phone calls for you?!

What kind of an idiot do you think I am?!

If you ever pull a stunt like that again,

I will beat you to within an inch of your life!

Yeah!

Man On TV: Fort Lauderdale!

Full of coeds and possibilities!

Hey, what's your name?

Woman on TV: Lonnie.

Looking good!

Doug, this is not Terms of Endearment.

Oh, crap.