Original subtitles

So, guys, tell Uncle Doug what you did in school today.

What'd you... did you write in cursive?

Did you climb the ropes? Eat some paste? What went down?

I wrote a book about Thanksgiving.

You did? Can I see?

Oh, wow. Hey, nice use of macaroni.

Oh, and pictures, too.

What's this?

That's the Pilgrims killing a turkey.

Huh. Little graphic.

You might want to ease up on the red crayon

Come in.

Hey, guy. Hey.

Thanks for picking up my kids.

Your kids? Was that today?

What?!

I'm kidding. In the kitchen, bud.

Don't do that, man.

All right. Calm down. Dinner's on the way.

Carrie's picking up a bucket of KFC.

S'all good!

Sorry. I'm dying here.

O'Boyle stuck me on the 8:00 shift.

He knows I got my kids all week.

Did you talk to him about it?

Yeah. He suggested I ship them somewhere.

Then at least they could be in the truck with me.

Hi, Dad. Hey.

Hey, what's up, little men?

Hey, guys. Oh!

OK, chicken in the house.

Oh, what the...

Where the hells's the bucket?

What?

I didn't go to KFC. I went to that new place,

the Fresh 'N Healthy Chicken Cafe.

Fresh 'N Healthy Chicken Cafe?

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

A: fresh. B: healthy. C: cafe.

OK, you know what?

Let's take some of this passion

and cure a disease or something.

Here. Let me give you some money for the food.

No, no, no, no. Don't you pay her for this.

Don't you reward her.

Come on, guys.

Deacon, you and the boys are still coming over

for Thanksgiving dinner, right?

Yep, we are all over it. OK.

I'll tell you who's all over Thanksgiving.

Major here.

He wrote a book about it and everything.

Did you, Major?

You want to read it to everybody?

No.

You want me to read it for you?

OK. OK!

Thanksgiving by Major Palmer.

"I like Thanksgiving.

"You get to have turkey, and potatoes, and gravy,

and pumpin pie..."

I think he means "pumpkin pie."

Thanks.

"We used to have Thanksgiving with my mommy and daddy,

"but then they yelled and got di-borced.

"Now we don't have a family,

so we're having Thanksgiving with some white people."

Hey, that's us.

I can't even give my kids a decent family Thanksgiving.

I'm a horrible, horrible father.

I've never felt worse.

Does this mean you're not gonna dry or...

I should be having Thanksgiving over at my place,

bring all my relatives in.

That's what a good father would do.

So do it. How?

I can't even find someone

to pick up my kids from school.

How am I gonna pull off a whole big Thanksgiving?

I need a wife.

What are you looking at?

You.

Now, look, I'm gonna throw something out here.

Now, don't shoot it down right away.

Just let it wash over you.

OK.

I'm thinking of loaning you out to Deacon.

What?

He's real upset.

He decided he wants to have

a big Thanksgiving at his place,

but he's crazy with work and the kids and...

Look, bottom line is...

he needs a wife,

so I thought I'd loan you to him, you know,

like I lent him my drill.

OK, couple of things.

First of all, I am not a power tool,

and second, if I ever do become someone else's wife,

it ain't gonna be another truck driver.

Come on, Deacon's desperate.

It would just be for the week.

You gotta just pick the kids up, make 'em dinner,

and then help him get Thanksgiving organized.

I don't know.

It's the spirit of Thanksgiving.

For God sakes, the Pilgrims,

they gave their wives to the Indians.

That's not what happened.

Well, they gave out maize. I know that.

Do you even know what maize is?

Some kind of food that was amazing. Oy.

Come on, Carrie. You told me yourself.

You got an easy work week.

Your dad's out of town.

Come on.

All right.

I'll do it.

I'll be your best friend's wife.

Sweet.

No, Uncle Fred.

I can't pick you up at the airport,

'cause I have to pick up Nana Letty

from the nursing home.

Just take the shuttle from the airport.

It'll drop you off right here.

No, the shuttle.

When you get off the plane,

just look for the sign.

The sign'll say, "shuttle."

Hang on a sec.

Someone requested a mail-order bride?

Yeah.

Come on in.

Look, thanks so much for coming.

You are saving my life.

Now, are you sure you're up for this?

I gotta be honest with ya, Deac.

I think we should have done this swap

a long time ago.

All right, honey, where do you want me to start?

You want me to make some dinner?

Chase you around with a rolling pin?

What do you like?

Well, uh, I'm actually making some travel plans,

trying to get my family in,

so dinner would be great.

I picked up some ground beef.

The kids love meat loaf.

One loaf of meat coming right up.

Wow, this looks great.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Deacon: Hey, man.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd drop off

a little housewarming gift,

get the new couple off on the right foot.

A fern.

Yeah, they sell everything at gas stations now.

Hey, you wanna stay for dinner?

On your first night together?

Yeah, I'm sure you want

the loser best friend hanging around.

Actually, I'm gonna go catch a movie.

Oh... Oh, that thing is dripping.

Let me throw a plate under this.

Oh, OK.

So, everything going OK?

Yeah, it's great.

You know, I know I fought you on this one,

but I... I really feel good, you know?

I really feel like I'm helping him.

You are. You're doing a really good thing.

I'm very, very proud of you.

Now...

if I'm gonna make a movie and a strip club,

I gotta scoot. All right.

Bye, baby.

All right, come on, you guys. Dig in.

All right, what do you guys say to Carrie?

Thank you, Carrie. Thanks, Carrie.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Car.

Are you making Thanksgiving dinner?

No, honey. Thanksgiving isn't till Thursday.

I'm just making a regular dinner.

Were there any black Pilgrims?

Black Pilgrims, no.

I don't think there were.

Why not?

Well, because the Pilgrims were all white.

They came to America from England on the Mayflower.

Then how did the black people get here?

Would you like a cupcake?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Maj.

What are you eating there?

Carrie gave me a cupcake.

Oh, OK.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, I picked up the turkey.

There was only one big one left.

I had to throw a few elbows,

but I got it.

Great.

Uh, look, I just saw Major eating a cupcake.

Has he had dinner yet?

Oh, no.

Yeah, he was yammering on about something.

You know, throw one of those in their mouth and...

Yeah.

It's just I kind of have a no dessert before dinner thing,

but, you know, it's cool.

No, you know what? It is not cool.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

Damn!

OK.

I got the cupcake back from him.

Great, thanks. Everything's cool.

Yeah, the thing is

I had to give him something to get it back,

so I sort of promised he could stay up late tonight

and watch The Sopranos...

and I think a couple of people are getting whacked tonight,

so you may have to have a sit-down with him afterwards.

So Kaplan comes down

to say who gets to work on the Fennerman case,

and guess who he picks.

Not me. Gina.

She is so sickening.

"Oh, I would love to make extra copies for you."

"Oh, I would love to pick out

your wife's birthday present for you."

You know what I would love?

I would love to beat her with a toner cartridge.

What are you doing over there?

Uh, just trying to figure out

when my family's coming in,

you know, who's staying where.

Oh, and the way she dresses.

I mean, it's not like I have to wear

a push-up bra to justify my paycheck.

You know, I'm good at what I do.

Mmm, yeah. You done with that?

Uh, with the glass? Not yet.

I'll take it in there when I'm done.

Oh, great, so should I hold off on running the dishwasher?

Yeah, just a couple of minutes. OK.

Carrie: Like today.

Guess what she was wearing.

Take a guess.

Um, something inappropriate?

Not if you're on the Dukes of Hazzard.

Capital "H", capital "O",

you know what I'm saying?

Right.

How ya doing on that glass there, buddy?

Uh, you know what? Here.

All done... You know what?

Actually, why don't I throw this in the dishwasher?

I'm sure you probably gotta get going.

It's almost 9:00.

No, what are you talking about?

I have a lot of stuff to do around here.

Oh, you've done enough.

Get out of here.

No.

It's no problem, really.

You mind if I step out for a few minutes?

No. That's why I'm here.

All right, uh,

catch ya later.

OK.

Welcome back to live coverage

of the Queens Indoor Golf Classic,

brought to you by...

Frito Lay.

Put a little crunch back into your life.

Heffernan just had a beautiful up-and-down into the hamper.

He's set himself up for the win with this shot.

He's just gotta get it up over the couch

and into the cup on the landing

for the win.

Hey, man.

What's up?

Not much. What are you up to?

Just a little indoor golf,

a little stuffed pizza,

and at 9:00 on ESPN,

the National Spelling Bee.

There's an Indian kid with a lisp

who is kicking ass.

You got the life here, man.

It do not suck.

So, how's the wife?

Oh, trouble in paradise?

She's driving me crazy.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of that

before you slapped the ring on her finger.

I'm serious.

What's the problem?

Well, first of all, she's really not...

She's not great with kids.

That's not her fault.

We don't have any kids.

She hasn't had a chance to get good with them.

OK, but she has had the chance to cook.

You don't like her cooking?

Do you?

Exhibit "A".

Huh?

She can whip up some pretty good stuff.

What'd she make for you?

Meat loaf.

And the way she goes on and on

about all the people she hates at work,

which, as far as I can tell,

is everyone.

All right, she does not do that.

Guy, last week,

you told me you were slicing a bagel,

and she was babbling on about her boss,

and it was so brutal

that you actually cut into your hand

just to make her stop.

Look, all right,

I'm lending you my wife, man.

Not a lot of guys would do that,

and, you know, she's trying her best.

So instead of complaining,

maybe you should start appreciating.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Car.

I'm not here.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

What's... what's... What's going on?

Well, I was making a sweet potato casserole,

but I ran out of marshmallows, so...

I'm picking out some of the Lucky Charms.

They're a little crunchy,

but I bet ya they're gonna be magically delicious.

Great.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Hey, Bud.

Everything OK down there?

I think Carrie gave me Major's underwear.

Go change.

Thank you.

Hi. Hey, Holly.

What are you doing here?

I walk a dog in your building now,

so I thought I'd stop by.

Listen, I heard that you're hosting

Thanksgiving for your kids,

and I just think that is so sweet.

I made you this.

There's someone else.

What are you talking about?

Holly. I want Holly.

What?!

I didn't look for this to happen.

I didn't plan for it,

but she came to my door

with the best apple pie I've ever tasted,

and she's great with my kids,

and she's quiet.

But yo...

But you just can't dump Carrie.

She loves being with you.

I've never seen her happier.

I got my whole family coming in.

I got my kids counting on me

for a perfect Thanksgiving.

I can't give 'em sweet potatoes

with Lucky Charms in 'em.

Oh, my God! That sounds great!

It's over, player.

Amazing.

Amazing.

OK.

Fine, whatever.

I guess I'll tell her tonight after dinner

or maybe before dinner.

You know what?

This whole thing was my idea.

I'll tell her. I just...

Gotta figure out a way to let her down easy.

OK.

Thanks.

Couldn't you just stay with her

through the holidays?

Yeah, just a table for 2.

Sure, I'll hold.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Turkey day tomorrow. Uh-huh.

You wanna discuss what pants you're gonna wear?

Because the last 3 years, you've chosen poorly.

Great, thank you. OK, I will see you then.

Pack your bags. What?

Where have you always wanted to go?

Spain?

How about the Spain of America?

Massachusetts.

You know that place in Stockbridge you're always talking about?

The Red Lion Inn?

Well, tomorrow night,

we're gonna have a gourmet meal there

followed by a beautiful stay

in a standard room.

What are you talking about tomorrow night?

It's Thanksgiving.

I have to help Deacon out.

You already made him plenty of stuff.

He's well on his way.

When's the last time we had a romantic Thanksgiving together,

just the two of us?

You know what they say.

Thanksgiving is for lovers.

What's going on here?

Nothing. I just...

wanna spend Thanksgiving alone with my wife.

Is that so crazy?

Wait a minute.

Are you jealous of all the time

I've been spending with Deacon?

Uh, yeah.

But you were the one who loaned me out to him in the first place.

I mean, you practically dragged me over there.

You gave us a fern.

And I was dying inside.

You know what?

I can't believe how selfish you're being.

I can't back out on Deacon now.

He needs me.

Doesn't need you, really.

Hey, man.

Carrie. She's parking.

Ran up here. Has turkey.

I tried to stop her. I couldn't.

Has turkey!

OK, slow down.

What's going on?

I tried to get her off this thing all night.

I tried to tell her I was jealous.

I... I... I tried to take her to Massachusetts.

She just won't give you up.

She still thinks we're on for tonight?

Yeah.

I can't believe you.

This is important to me.

It's important to my kids.

Oh, enough of your kids already, OK?

We get it. You reproduce.

Y-Y-Y-You're killing me here.

I've got Holly in the kitchen basting a turkey.

Yeah, well, I got Carrie coming up with another turkey.

So what are we gonna do? I don't know!

We got 2 broads with 2 birds!

Hey, Doug.

Hi.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Holly.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Deacon, what's going on?

I don't know. Doug?

I don't know. Carrie?

Deacon asked me to help out with Thanksgiving.

No, Deacon asked me to help out with Thanksgiving.

Actually, I never asked you, Carrie.

Doug offered, and I accepted,

and you were great.

It's just that Holly might be a slightly, slightly better cook,

so I asked her to step in.

So you just stuck me in at the last minute

when you realized you didn't like Carrie's cooking?

And you just let me walk in here like a friggin' idiot?

And... And now, Carrie, who I work for, hates me?

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

We can eat both dinners.

Like the Pilgrims and the Indians,

we'll meet and trade beads for land

or... or... or something.

No, no, I'm leaving. Excuse me.

But I'll tell you guys one thing.

The Johnson Beagles are about to have

the best dinner of their lives.

Well, that's cleared up.

Let me just tell you something, OK?

I just spent my entire week

taking care of your kids,

cooking your meals,

sharing stories with you about my job,

but it's over for you, buddy,

'cause I have a man,

and he likes my cooking,

and he likes my stories,

and he's gonna hear all of 'em

on the way up to Massachusetts.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Hi. Can I help you?

Table for 14, please.

So, Kaplan comes down and gives Renee

a stack of papers to file,

and you know she's gonna fall flat on her face

because she's like,

"uh, which letter comes first? R or W?"

And I can't say anything

because I'm gonna look bitchy,

but who's gonna have to redo everything

after she's done with it?

Hello.

So, while she's at lunch,

I refile everything the right way,

and she comes back

and catches me doing it.

Now things are so awkward between us,

I don't really know what to say to her,

but the truth is... Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

I tripped, and I hit the door.

Are you all right?

I killed my funny bone.

I better go downstairs, put some ice on it... Aah!

OK, baby. Yeah.