Original subtitles

Marv Albert on TV: Good pressure defense,

back out to the top of the key, yes!

How great is Marv Albert's "Yes!"?

Classic.

You think he had that since he was a kid?

You know, like, "Marvin, did you make in the potty?"

"Yes! And it counts!"

So, where's Carrie tonight?

Firm's having this big party

because they won some case.

Ooh, so she's working late with the boss man?

♪ Bom boka chicka ba-kow

♪ Caboka yeow ow

What is that?

It's porno music.

Oh. I thought it was the Starsky and Hutch theme.

It's clearly porno music.

That's right. ♪ Bom...

Aah! Getting nauseous!

Oh, I gotta run.

I gotta pick up the kids at Kelly's.

Can't they wait 10 minutes? We got a tie game here.

Nah. It takes me forever to find a place to park there.

I got a damn ticket

when I dropped them off this morning.

Hey, Arthur. Have a good one.

You may not want to rush out of here just yet.

I have an enticing proposition for you

vis-à-vis your parking ticket.

What?

I have a pal named Smitty.

We were kosher slaughterers back in the fifties,

the heyday of kosher meats.

Uh-huh.

One day, Smitty got cute with an ax.

Thanks to me, he still has his thumbs.

No pinkies, though.

Right. My kids are waiting for me, so...

Smitty works down at the Parking Bureau now.

He'll fix any ticket for me.

I appreciate the gesture, but no, thanks.

Clean out your ears, fella!

I can make this whole thing go away!

All right. Knock yourself out.

I wasn't gonna pay the thing anyway.

Hello!

Oh, somebody's in a good mood.

That's because somebody won a big, fat prize

at the party raffle.

For the next month,

we get 4 company seats to the Knicks.

Yeah! No way! Aah!

Stop! Ohhhh!

Wa-hoo!

Look, this is awkward. I'm sorry, you guys,

but Doug and I are going to be taking another couple.

What? Who?

I don't know yet, but not them.

Come on! We're delightful!

Doug, I need a girl there, OK?

While you and the other guy are talking about the game,

we could be talking about which gorgeous black man

fills out his shorts better.

Come on, Car!

I don't want to go to the Knick game

with a couple I've never met before.

I hate people I don't know.

Doug, these are my tickets and I decide.

Now, keep bitchin', I may not even take you.

You know, winning this raffle's really changed you.

Oh, I know. I'll take Elly from spinning class and her husband.

I don't know them, OK?

Elly's great, and she told me her husband's a sports nut.

You'll love 'em.

Ha! You might be right, but in his defense,

those are very baggy shorts.

Well, Number 28's shorts are baggy,

and it ain't hurtin' him.

Back in my day, they used a 2-handed set shot.

Now, that was basketball.

Did you ever see Stretch Maloney

play for the old St. Louis Bombers?

I don't believe I did, no.

How you doing, hon?

We gonna grab some food after this?

Uh, you know, we don't have to.

I'm sure you got an early day at work tomorrow, so...

No, I'm retired.

Of course, you are.

OK, bye, you guys! We had a great time!

See ya! Bye!

I didn't know, OK?

In all the times you were spinning,

she never once said, "Hey, great workout.

By the way, my husband, a billion years old."

I don't think it's a big deal. I really don't.

Of course you don't. Because you're not the one

who had to remind him where he was after he woke up from his nap!

Doug, you are just rejecting him because he's old.

That's called ageism, and it's illegal.

I oughta punch you square in the mouth.

I understand if you want to do the couple thing,

but we got to find a couple that works for both of us, OK?

And right now, Grandpa Munster ain't getting it done!

OK, I'm open to suggestions,

and don't say Danny and Spence.

Danny and Deacon. No.

OK, then, hey, how about Eddie, you know, from work?

He's got a girlfriend.

OK. I like Eddie.

What do we know about the girlfriend?

I know she has all her own heart valves.

Hello. I'd like to see Smitty, please.

Smitty?

Medium build, brown hair?

No pinkies?

Oh, Nubsy.

He hasn't been here in, like, 5 years.

Mmm, that's too bad.

He used to handle my tickets for me.

Oh, well. I suppose the baton shall pass to a new generation.

Now, make like Houdini and get this ticket to disappear.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Look, I told my friend I would make this go away.

Don't make me slink back to him with my tail between my legs.

Sir, there's really nothing I can do.

Perhaps a visit

from Mr. Abraham Lincoln would change your mind?

I don't think so.

What if Mr. Jackson came along for the ride?

Sir, for 2 more dollars, you could just pay the ticket.

How about if only one of the Washington twins showed up?

I'm gonna need them both.

Righto.

Come on! Play some defense!

My cleaning lady could have blocked that shot!

Nice steal, man. Hey, I think he heard you!

See, you treat 'em like dirt and they do what you want.

You know, you're gonna make a great dad someday.

I mean, the doctor told me it was totally normal,

but I don't know. Are your breasts lopsided?

No.

Oh, Carrie, if you're free tomorrow afternoon,

you want to maybe grab some coffee?

Oh, I have a spinning class. Sorry. Yeah.

Good for you. I should exercise more.

Do some stretching.

Maybe then sex wouldn't be so incredibly uncomfortable for me.

I'm tiny down there.

Let me freshen you up there.

Oh, my, very generous.

I hope you're not gonna try to take advantage of me later.

Again, Arthur, no.

Hey, Deac.

Arthur! What brings you to our little watering hole?

Fellas, say hello to the fixer.

He's drinking on me tonight.

What are you talking about?

He fixed my parking ticket, like magic.

He's like... He's like the Lucky Charms guy.

Tell him the story.

I merely gave it to my pal Smitty downtown.

He ripped it up and threw it in the air like so much confetti.

He's theatrical that way.

Wow!

Hey, you know, me and Spence get tickets

in front of our building all the time.

Don't worry about it, man.

From now on, just give them to the fixer here.

Really?

Could we?

Ah...

Are you kidding? This guy's got the hookup.

He just feeds them to Smitty, and they go away.

Right, Arthur?

Park with impunity!

♪ I got a feelin'

♪ Everything is gonna be all right ♪

♪ Whoa, I got a feelin'

♪ Everything is gonna be all right ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everything is gonna be all right ♪

♪ Be all right, be all right ♪

♪ Be all right

Video Game Announcer: On the attack, bringing the ball up court.

Houston brings it down...

Yes!

Ha ha ha!

You know, we should actually go to the park

and play hoops sometime.

I'm gonna level with you. I'm winded from this.

Ah, you know what? I gotta run.

Just gotta make a pit stop first.

Announcer: They have 90...

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Doug. Hey, Elly.

All right, I gotta get going.

Car, can I just fill up my water bottle?

Carrie: Yeah. Right in there.

Hmm.

Elly's filling up her water bottle,

and Eddie's peeing upstairs.

It's the circle of life.

Hey, I got Knick tickets for Friday.

What do you say we give Elly and Stuart another shot, huh?

Oldie? Not a chance.

Hey, let's... let's ask Eddie and Simone.

What? Do you think that couple worked for me?

I'm not spending another 3 hours with... with Lopsidey.

OK, that is a really dumb nickname.

OK, would you prefer Tiny Giny?

I think I would.

Well, I'm asking Elly.

I'm... Well, I'm asking Eddie.

Don't you dare.

D-Don't you dare me.

Hey! Hey! You and Stuart wanna go to the Knicks on Friday?

Oh, I would love to, but we can't.

Stuart's away at his 50th high school reunion.

Aww.

Hey, Eddie, Eddie. You and Simone busy Friday night?

You wanna go to the Knick game?

Oh, sorry, man. She's gonna be out of town for a work thing.

Aww.

Hey. I'm Eddie.

Hey. I'm Elly. Nice to meet you.

There's no way I can pay all these tickets.

The boys are gonna find out I'm a fraud.

It's over. Over!

Smitty's still gonna take care of my ticket, right?

There is no Smitty, you crazy old man!

I curse the day I ever met that 8-fingered freak.

Wh-What if I called Smitty myself?

Shut up!

Great night.

Fantastic.

We finally find the perfect couple,

and they're not even a couple.

I know. I mean, it was incredible.

Me and him, you and her, me and her!

You and him!

It was working from every angle!

I mean, why can't Eddie and Elly just be a couple?

We could do everything with them.

Movies, barbecues.

Vermont. We've always wanted to go to Vermont.

They would be phenomenal in Vermont.

I can't believe they're attached to other people.

It sucks.

Cupid really botched this one.

Swing and a miss for the naked baby.

How sweet would it be

if Oldie and Tiny were out of the picture?

Then we could just put Eddie and Elly together.

Hey, maybe we can sit down with all of them

and very politely ask them to switch partners.

Or we can cut Oldie and Tiny's brakes,

like they do in the movies.

That's good, but I don't fit under cars anymore.

All right, let's just stop this.

We're just torturing ourselves.

You're right, you're right.

Eddie and Elly are not together,

and they never will be.

We just need to forget tonight ever happened.

I can't.

Thank you, Mr. Spooner.

No, thank you.

Now, please make the check out

to the Parking Violations Bureau.

Oh, we don't pay people for their blood anymore.

What?

Only the less reputable places still pay cash.

Uh-huh.

I'd like my blood back, please.

What? You heard me.

Pump it back in.

I'm taking my business elsewhere.

I can't pump your blood back in.

You were gonna pump it into someone else, right?

Yes.

Well, meet someone else.

Sorry.

I had a great time the other night

with you guys and Eddie.

Oh, we did, too. Great time.

Actually, it was just what I needed.

Huh?

Well, can I tell you something?

Sure.

Things aren't going that well between me and Stuart.

Well... Well, what do you mean?

Oh, don't get me wrong. He's great.

Really. It's just a lot of stuff.

I mean, the age difference and, uh...

You know what?

I'm overreacting.

Forget it. Everything's fine.

No, no... Hey, slow down there, girly-girl.

Let's talk.

What... What's with you?

I did it, Doug.

Did what?

I don't know how it started,

but... but... but she said something

about things not going well with her and Stuart,

you know, like, he's old and everything.

And before I knew it, I said, yeah,

and what if you guys do wanna have kids...

I just thought of that one right there on the spot...

And she said, yeah,

that it has been an issue, and then I said, well,

hey, maybe you guys should think about takin' a break,

and now... and she said, yeah,

and now they're separating. Ha ha...

What? I'm hungry, Doug!

Come on, let's go get some steaks, baby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You broke up a marriage?

It was headed there anyway.

Now all you gotta do is break up Eddie and Tiny.

What?

What "what"? This is exactly what we talked about!

We also talked about cutting their brakes.

You wanna do that, too?

We don't have to do that now, ya doof.

Hello? Ha ha ha!

Oh, my God, you are terrifying.

Kids are gonna start wearing you as a Halloween mask!

Doug! Doug, we're halfway there.

I broke up a marriage. All you gotta do

is break up a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I could do that before breakfast.

No, no! I'm... I'm not doin' it!

Doug, Vermont!

Think of Vermont.

Skiing...

just the 4 of us relaxing in the hot tub?

I betcha they look pretty when they're wet.

No, that is it! End of story, OK?

Stop staring, devil woman!

I... I'm sorry I didn't check in, Simone.

Yeah, I just... I can't call you every 10 minutes!

Yeah.

I'm havin' a beer with Doug.

Oh, it's one beer, OK?

I'll see you at home.

Man, Simone is all over me lately.

You know what I'm all over?

Purple M&Ms.

I fought 'em for a while, but...

they won.

I mean, she's pretty, but...

she's really needy!

You know, she's always asking if I think her boobs look normal.

"They look fine. Now, can you put them back in?"

I just don't know. What should I do here, Doug?

It's done.

Hey, it's the fixer!

All, applauding: Hey, Fixie! Hey!

Gentlemen, can I have a moment of your time?

Sure. Make some space for the fixer, boys.

There we go. Right there.

Fellas,

these, uh, past few weeks

we've spent together,

they've meant the world to me,

but the truth is...

The truth is...

it's an honor to fix your tickets!

Fixie!

Fixie!

Oh, Fixie, Fixie!

Great game, huh, honey?

What's your problem?

They're my problem.

What? Well, look at them. They're perfect!

We made a beautiful match.

No, we took 4 innocent people into the lab

and built ourselves a Franken-couple.

Just stop it!

Hey, uh, are you guys OK over there?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all good over here. No problems.

Yeah, it's all good.

We're fine. We... We got what we want,

and, clearly, that's all that really matters.

Oh, just Diet Coke for me, baby. Thanks.

Mm-wah.

What is up with Doug?

I don't know.

He's been actin' like a real tool lately.

I don't get it. What does Carrie see in him?

I don't know.

Jeff!

Oh, my God! Eddie! How ya doin'?

Great! Wow, it's been a few years, huh?

How'd you score these seats?

Oh, uh, we got them from our friend Carrie.

Ooh, she's cute.

What's her situation?

Well...

she's with someone,

but they seem to fight a lot lately.

Uh, Carrie?

Meet Jeff.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to stare,

but you just look so lovely in that sweater.

Really?

'Cause it... it's hard for me to shop.

I'm a little uneven on top.

Well, you look perfect to me.