Original subtitles

Whoo-ooh!

Hey, you clumsy clod!

Father, where have you been?

Out and about.

I wish you wouldn't go wandering off.

What is he doing here?

Ernie thought he'd join us.

Isn't that nice?

It's a beautiful night.

You could have found better company.

What did you say?

Oh, Father, please.

Here, Grandpops.

Go buy yourself a tutti frutti.

Get lost, Mr. Toad--

Oh, sorry-- Noad.

Father!

All aboard. Take them through, Mr. Skull.

Only $2.00 for the most terrifying ride

with Mr. Bones.

Step right up!

You look like a lovely couple.

Thank you. Only $2.00.

Give Mr. Skull your ticket.

Hurry. $2.00. Come on, now, children,

each and every one.

There we go.

[haunting yells]

[hideous laughter]

Stop it! Sit down!

Aah!

Aah!

It's not real.

It is!

Rrra!

- Aah! - Aah!

Aah!

What the...

Not you again.

I'm terribly sorry.

Come on, you old fool.

Get out.

I was only pretending.

You crazy wacko.

Why don't you go back to the Geriatrics?

Aah!

Someone call an ambulance, quick!

Keep back! Keep back!

God. I think that's Father.

He's just had a bit of a fall.

Father?

Speak to me, Father. Speak to me!

Leah, where am I?

It's all right.

You had a wee fall.

No. No. No.

Just lie still.

Shh. Lie still.

Everything's going to be fine.

Hey!

Hey, Lonny. How's America?

Oh, you know-- pretty cool.

Yeah.

"Pretty cool"? I like that.

It's good to see you.

Man, you're really tall now.

Going up.

Here we are.

Let's shove all this off.

[Leah] Lonny, how are your mom and dad?

Great. They send you and Grandpa their love.

Oh, that's nice.

I thought Grandpa would be at the airport.

Grandad hasn't been well lately.

He had a little turn last week.

Oh.

But will he be OK?

Please God, he will be, yes.

Anyway, he's home now

and looking forward to seeing you.

That's good.

I've really missed him, Kanziora.

He's about my favorite cool guy,

and you're not so bad youself.

Oh, you boys will have a wonderful time,

I know.

[Leah] Here we are.

It's great to be back, Aunt Leah.

It's such a wild old house.

Yeah.

Can I go up and see Grandpa first?

Of course, but be very quiet

because he may be asleep.

I will. Come on, Kanziora.

Grandpa?

Are you awake?

Got you!

Grandpa.

Oh, Lonny, my boy, let me look at you.

You've grown into such a fine young man.

Grandpa, you remember Kanziora

from last summer.

Hello.

Yeah. Kanziora.

How are you?

Good.

Oh, that's wonderful!

So how are you feeling, then, Grandpa?

Since you guys got here, much, much better.

Let's sit down on the bed

so we can see each other.

It's awfully dark in here.

Shall I turn on a light?

No. No. No.

When you turn on the light,

that's what hurts my eyes.

Why don't you go open up the curtains

and the french doors

and let in some air?

She never lets me open them up.

Such a silly old woman.

Oh, that's much better.

Looks like a beautiful night out there.

Yeah. There's a big moon and everything.

Is there?

Oh, I sure would love to see it.

Give me a hand up.

Grab a hand, now.

1, 2, 3.

Here we go, Grandpa.

Yes, here we go.

Ah, yes.

We're going to see

what the wondrous night has to offer us.

Magnificent.

Magnificent.

A truly wondrous sight.

Ooh.

Oh.

I tell you boys--

that... that is the essence of all life.

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

Oh. I'm all right.

I'm... I'm all right.

What's going on in here?

Father, get back into bed immediately.

Oh, no.

Sausage and chips again?

Revolting muck!

You, too, boys.

Your tea's downstairs.

Eat it while it's hot.

Kanziora, catch.

Stop showing off!

Just behave yourself!

There you go.

He didn't like it, either.

Oh.

Oh! Grosser than gut soup.

Choice.

You can't be serious.

I love tomato sauce.

Do you want some?

OK. If you insist.

Hi.

G'day, boys. How you doing?

You got a spare snarler for your Uncle Ernie?

Did you have a good flight?

It wasn't bad.

Is she upstairs with the-- the old bear?

Yes.

Good on you.

I think I'll have another snarler.

They're bloody delicious.

Is he really your uncle?

No.

Lonny,

do you think Ernie and your aunt are doing it?

What?

Man, anything's possible.

Ah.

Yuck.

Lonny, I got something really weird to show you.

Do you want to see?

Sure.

Where did you find these?

They fell out of a book from last summer,

but look.

There's none of your grandfather.

Strange, ay?

He was sitting in that chair.

So?

Where's he gone?

People just don't disappear from photos.

Wow.

How you two boys getting on in here?

Aunt Leah, look at this.

Grandpa was in the garden when we took these.

He was sitting in that chair,

but it's empty now.

How, uh... very odd.

Oh, probably just a trick of the light.

Now, finish up,

and I'll get you some ice cream.

But, Lonny,

there is something strange going on.

I know there is.

Did you see your aunt's face

when she saw the photos?

Oh, man.

You've got an overstimulated imagination,

which usually leads to madness.

Madness, Kanziora! Ha ha ha!

Does not.

That house gives me the creeps.

Don't you feel it?

Madness! Ha ha ha!

[howling]

Listen.

Did you hear that?

Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

In this book I've been reading,

it says in the mountains of Carpathia

the birds sing at night.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Look, I got to get some shut-eye.

I'm really beat.

I'll come over in the morning.

Dream weird.

I will. See you later, mashed potater.

In a while, crocodile.

Sweet dreams, child.

[from outside of room] Whoo-ooh-hoo!

Go away!

Mom, Ben's got a dead polecat!

Hello, stranger.

Hi, Mrs. Kanziora.

How's your aunt, Lonny?

She's fine. Hi, Mr. Kanziora.

Good to have you back, son.

She's a marvelous lady,

living in that big old house with a sick father.

You're on your own this time?

Yeah. Dad's gone on tour in Europe

with the Philharmonic.

My mom and little brother have gone with him.

Listen to what Lonny's saying.

It's very interesting.

Mmm, what's that?

Let's go.

You be careful.

Swim between the flags.

Have fun.

Wow. Far out.

Wait.

I couldn't sleep last night

thinking about those photos.

They don't come out.

Who?

Vampires.

You can't take photos of them

or see them in mirrors.

Oh, man.

You kiwis are real fruitcakes.

I am not. It's true.

Grandpa Cooger a vampire?

Kanziora, you have truly flippoed, man.

Last one in us a double dork!

Come on!

Woo! Woo!

Yee-ha!

Woo!

Yeah! Yeah! Kanziora!

Woo!

Whoa!

Woo!

Hey, Lonny.

Do you feel like visiting your grandfather?

You mean, check out if he's been sucking neck?

There's only one way to find out.

Take him garlic-- they hate that--

or some holy water.

We could steal it from a catholic church.

We could sprinkle it on his cornflakes.

What do you reckon, Lonny?

Let's do it.

Come on. Say yes, please.

OK, but I'm having nothing to do with it.

This is your scam, man.

Cor.

You keep watch.

You know what, man?

You're insane.

I'm not.

I'm just being scientific.

Yes, professor.

Well. Well.

What's happening here, boy, hmm?

Nothing.

Honest.

Is that a fact?

What's that you're hiding?

Just a chocolate milkshake.

Chocolate milkshake?

Show me, boy.

You're wouldn't be telling lies, would you?

Not in God's house.

Well, show me, boy!

Aw. Aw.

Let's get out of here!

Hold it!

Come on.

Come back here, will you?

His heartbeat is very faint today.

I could hardly hear it.

His time has come.

Yes, my dear, it has.

I think you're possessed of enormous courage.

Thank you.

If there's any change, ring Dr. Gallbladder.

I will. Yes.

All right.

Grandpa, are you all right?

I see you!

Ha ha ha!

Don't be frightened.

Come on in.

Kanziora, light the candle.

It is a bit dark in here.

Oh, excuse me. Here.

There, now. That's much better, isn't it?

So how are you feeling, Grandpa?

When I get a visit from you boys,

I feel a hundred years younger.

Has that dreadful man gone?

Which man, Grandpa?

Ernie Noad, rhymes with Toad.

You know, he comes barbing in here

like he owns this place.

There's a no-hoper.

I'll tell you--

I do not know what your aunt sees in a guy like him.

In my day, you know what we called guys like him?

Slimeballs.

Oh, your laughter is music to my ears.

You know, I don't have fun anymore.

She won't even let me play popagano.

I have an idea.

Lonny, why don't you turn on the tape recorder?

It's his favorite music--

The Magic Flute.

Yeah.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Oh, he was a beautiful boy.

[music plays]

[singing in German]

Wow!

It's magic!

All right!

Woo! Woo!

Oh!

Come on, Grandpa. You'll be all right.

Oh.

There you go.

Oh.

[choking]

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Oh, no.

Aunt Leah, come quick!

Grandpa, say something.

Aunt Leah!

Grandpa!

What happened, Lonny?

He just collapsed.

Didn't he, Kanziora?

Father?

Father?

Please leave now.

Father, come back.

Did you see the teeth?

Fangs, man! Fangs!

That was crazy!

Shh.

Kanziora, look.

The old guy is really sick,

so just cool it, please.

I'm sorry, Lonny.

But he'll be all right.

I know he will.

Yeah. I hope so.

Ha! Man, you are so useless.

Am not!

Come on. Try me. I'm ready for it.

Easy out. Easy out.

Bozo! Get the ball, Bozo!

I am!

Leah.

Oh, Ernie.

I got you a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

How lovely!

What's happening?

Shh.

Pervert.

Moonlight chocolates. Oh, Ernie!

Aah!

It's Father.

Come on.

Should we?

Yeah.

He's gone, Lonny.

It's a blessing,

a real blessing.

Farewell, Father.

I better go now.

My mom will be wondering where I am.

He was a nice old guy, Ay?

I'm really sorry what I said about him--

being a vampire and all that stuff.

That's OK.

Well, he sure knew how to do magic, Ay?

That was really cool.

Yeah.

Look, I better go in now,

be with Aunt Leah.

OK.

See you later, mashed potater.

In a while, crocodile.

Lonny!

You don't need to worry about him.

He's being very brave.

Here he is now.

Who is it?

Hello?

Mom.

Oh, Mom. It's so sad about Grandpa.

We were having such a great time together.

I'm really going to miss him.

Yeah, I'm OK.

Please don't worry about me.

So how are Bobby and Dad?

Say hi.

OK.

Bye, Mom.

I love you, too.

"Of all the creatures

"that lurk in the mists of the imagination,

"none is more powerful or magnificent

"than the vampire.

"These wandering undead live in a world of darkness

where they are trapped for all eternity."

"Some vampires, however,

"draw a source of power

"from the rays of the full moon,

said by many to be the essence of all existence."

"It is not a well-known fact

"that some vampires attempt to lead a normal human life,

"but this is often with considerable difficulty

"since they are all nocturnal creatures

and have unorthodox cravings."

Wow.

Christopher, Mom wants you to go down to the shop

to get some milk.

Now!

Monsters-- they'll rot your brain.

Go away!

Did you know me, Brigit, and Serena

are entering the teen talent time

at the carnival?

It's $100 first prize.

Leave me alone, would you?

Christopher, phone.

OK.

Hello.

Kanziora, it's me.

Hi.

You're invited to the wake.

The what?

The party for Grandpa.

Wear a suit and tie.

Got to go. Bye.

Mom, do I have a suit and tie?

Whatever for?

I'm invited to a party.

That's nice, dear. Whose?

Lonny's grandfather's. It's a funeral party.

Aw, Dad!

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for coming.

Bye-bye, Martha.

Very sad.

Hello, Kanziora. How are you?

Fine, thanks.

In you go.

[music playing]

So did you know my grandpa well?

I knew him well.

He wouldn't want you to be sad.

Chin up.

Excuse me.

Hoy! G'doy, moyte!

What did you say?

I've been practicing my kiwi accent.

It's not "Hoy. G'doy, moyte."

It's hi. G'day, mate.

Lonny.

Go and get your friend a nice drink--

something festively funereal.

Come on.

My nephew's friend--

come to pay his respects to Father.

We've got muck in a bowl

with dead goobers floating in it.

Mind the midgets!

The midgets are coming through.

This is Wilder than feeding time at the LA Zoo.

She's coming over.

Hey, darling. How are you?

All right, are you?

How you doing?

Bloody bonds of beauty, huh?

Whoa!

Ha ha ha!

Cor!

Oh, sorry.

That's all right, son.

Senior Sergeant, are you all right?

Yes.

I don't think you know my nephew.

Lonny from California

and his friend Kanziora.

Ahoy. G'day, mate.

This is, uh,

Senior Sergeant Dicky Ticker,

our local constable,

and his wife...

Winona.

Frightfully jolly wake.

Your father--

he was an absolutely marvelous man.

[Leah] Thank you.

I've never seen a real live corpse up close before.

[inhales deeply]

Gee, he pongs a bit, ay?

She's been sprinkling

room deodorizer over him.

Has not.

Lonny, could I check something out?

What?

Stand beside me for a minute.

Don't!

Bingo.

Lonny!

Get away from that coffin!

Somebody's already tipped a plate

of stuffed eggs over him.

Be respectful of the dead, child.

One day it will be you in there.

Let's get out of here

before I barf all over my shoes.

Are you all right, Lonny?

You look very strange.

This is getting weird, man.

What did I tell you?

You wouldn't believe me.

Butt out, would you?

It's just not possible.

They're not real, those fangs.

Grandpa's dead! He's dead!

I've been doing some research,

and, according to my books, they don't die.

Who?

Vampires, dummy.

The only way you can kill them

is to drive a stake through their heart.

So he's not dead, right?

Is that what you're saying?

He can't be. They're the undead.

Ah, there you are.

The last of the guests has just gone.

It all went wonderfully well, didn't it?

What a beautiful evening.

His last on this island Earth.

It's very sad for me, Lonny,

terribly sad.

I shall miss him so much.

Yes, Aunt.

I have to pop over to Ernie's place

for a little while.

I'm sure you boys can amuse yourselves.

Is that all right?

Yes, Aunt. We'll be fine.

I'm sure you will.

There's plenty of food in there if you're hungry,

so bye-bye.

I'm starved!

I knew you'd say that.

[synthesizer playing]

Hey, this is great. Check it out.

Let's do some tunes.

Want some of this chocolate cakes?

It's delicious.

Have a go.

All right.

Cool!

Everybody!

Yeah!

Chopsticks.

Yeah!

[playing Chopsticks]

[melody broken]

Lonny, what's happening to my fingers?

I can't stop playing!

Me, neither.

Bravo!

Aah!

No. No.

Don't be afraid. It's me.

Cooger! Your grandfather.

I have you to thank for this.

You have awoken me with your strength,

vitality, energy, vulnerability,

and that which feeds the soul

its nocturnal substance.

No!

You're not real!

You're not!

Kanziora, this is a major nightmare!

Get me out of here!

It's OK, Lonny.

Really, it's OK.

Lonny, dear Lonny,

forgive me for frightening you.

I can't help it. It's the way I am.

Kanziora, understands,

don't you, boy?

Uh... yes.

He'll be all right, Mr. Cooger.

He's just nervous.

Bite your ass.

Ha ha ha!

But...

why are you a...

A vampire.

Vampire!

I'm not ashamed.

We are who we are.

They make movies about you!

Yeah, right.

And you go around scaring people to death

and biting them

and turning them into vampires.

And you have blood dripping from your mouths.

Ha ha ha! Oh, that's a good one.

But I hate to disappoint you. Movies are not real.

Your dreams are real.

Your imagination is more powerful than any movie.

Have you ever sucked people's blood?

Kanziora, what a dumb question.

Don't even mention that word.

Boys, you see before you an ancient man

whose time on this planet is slipping away,

but I was different.

You see, I chose to live the human life--

the path from birth to decay

and death.

But I should have known-- we always return.

Permit me to introduce myself!

Ha ha ha!

I am...

your hume servant Denoch--

a vampire of innocent origin

from the 18th Century.

Lonny...

Kanziora, can I interest you, perhaps,

in a little music

and magic to remember me by?

Come! Come!

Take my hand.

Lonny, come.

You remember.

Mozart.

Huh?

[The Magic Flute playing]

And now, we go out into the night.

Oh, no!

Aah!

To us, dear Leah,

and a wonderful life, our life.

Nooo!

Aah!

Aaah!

Oh, whew. What happened?

We fell out of the sky.

Oh, dear. How the mighty have fallen.

Can you get up?

Yeah.

This is someone's place. Let's get out of here.

Are you OK? Can you walk?

No problem. No problem.

Who the hell's there?

It's Ernie the nerd.

Think you're bloody smart, do you?

Watch this.

Beggars, ay?

Well, come on, then.

I'll take you on one at a time,

and I'll knock your bloody blocks off.

Whoo hoo!

Get away from me, you bloody demon!

Ha ha ha!

Ernie, what are you...

doing?

Ernie! Ernie, speak to me!

What is it, love? What's the matter?

Get up.

The old bastard's still alive.

[The Magic Flute playing]

Grandpa, can't you go any faster?

No. Too weak. Too old.

I must rest.

Man, I'm going to get it.

We've got to get him back home.

Listen, boys, I can't go there.

I want to be part of the ancient way again.

But you can hardly walk.

Please, don't take me home.

Terrible things will happen there.

I want to live.

I want to fly like Peter Pan

with you boys.

We will have such great adventure.

Help me.

Save me.

Please.

Come on, Kanziora.

You got the bright ideas.

Where can we take him? Come on, think.

I know.

There's a shed in the garden.

Perfect.

A shed? How humiliating.

Come on, Leah. You can tell me.

Oh, Ernie.

It probably was Father out there.

He's not exactly one of us.

You're having me on.

Watch the road!

Jesus Christ!

You're saying your old man's a bloody vampire?

It's our family's darkest secret.

You see, he's been alive for over 200 years,

but the unspeakable has happened.

Now that he is dead,

he could return to being a true vampire.

You're not one, are you?

Mercifully not.

Glad to hear it.

There's one way to stop those jokers.

I've seen it on TV.

Stake clean through the heart.

What are you saying? Certainly not!

He's a monster.

My father's not a monster!

He's a vampire!

You know what those bastards get up to.

They're only after blood.

A good old stake through the heart

will shut him up for good.

Help me, Kanziora.

Oh, no! Aunt Leah's car!

Aah!

That was close, ay?

Uh-oh. Where's Grandpa gone?

I don't know.

Grandpa, where are you?

I'm over here! Get me out!

Ha ha ha!

Get me out!

Hope Mom and Dad don't hear us.

Oh...

Shh! You have to be real quiet.

Shh!

You'll be safe here, Grandpa.

Ay, Kanziora?

Yeah.

This coat will keep you warm.

This is quite cozy.

We'll visit tomorrow.

But don't go out.

Please, Grandpa. Stay here.

Promise?

[coughing]

What is it?

Garlic.

Would you mind?

Makes me quite nauseous.

Kanziora, I got to go.

OK.

Wish me luck.

Just be cool.

It was a great night, wasn't it?

The best, man.

Grandpa...

we're going now,

so nighty-night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the vampire bite.

Ha ha ha!

Vampire-- ha ha ha!

[humming]

[chainsaw buzzing]

Lonny, where have you been?

Aunt Leah, I've been...

up at Kanziora's. Why?

Something dreadful has happened.

Your grandfather's body has just disappeared.

Really?

Uh, how?

We don't exactly know, but it's not there.

Did you see anybody enter the house after we left?

No.

Are you sure?

Honest.

Look, can I go to bed?

I'm wiped out.

Of course, dear.

I'll be right up to turn off the light.

Good night, everybody.

Good night, dear.

Go away, please. Go away.

Thirsty.

Thirsty!

Thirsty!

Good boy. Yeah.

More.

Just one more, OK?

Who's that?

Just getting a drink!

Dad's coming.

What's all the bloody noise out here?

Stay here.

I know what to do.

You out here, Christopher?

What the...

Hey, wake up, son.

Hey...

Wakey, wakey. Are you all right?

Where-- where am I?

Having a little walk in your sleep.

You all right?

Come on. Back to bed.

Oh, dear.

I should get back to the shed.

Hello. Can I speak to Lonny, please?

No. I'm sorry, Kanziora.

He's busy today.

Can I talk?

Good-bye.

Why?

You're not going anywhere today

until I've sorted out this terrible business.

That's not fair.

In my house, do as you're told.

Understood?

Yes, Aunt Leah.

Swear to God you know nothing about this.

Swear on the...

on the Almighty's name.

You wouldn't lie to me,

would you?

No, Aunt Leah. I swear it.

Good boy.

Now, finish your breakfast and make your bed.

Today you'll play in the garden.

OK.

And if I'm really, really good,

can I go swimming later?

We'll see.

# What am I going to do for my red o pooh? #

# It's so very sore I don't know what to do #

# Listen, my little sisters, just look at all my blisters #

# Let them be a warning to you #

Hey, Christopher.

Where's your American friend?

We want to meet him.

Busy!

Tammy said he looked like River Phoenix.

Liar.

Come on. Let's start again.

# What am I going to do for...? #

Mr. Cooger.

Christopher, where the hell are you?

What are you doing?

Just looking for something!

Get outside!

There's work to be done!

Now, come on!

OK!

I can't stay here. It's too dangerous.

I've got to be someplace abandoned and dark.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cooger.

Can you wait just a little while longer?

# It's so very sore I don't know what to do #

That dreadful racket.

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

Christopher, get your lazy ass out here!

Coming!

Has anyone seen Christopher?

He's been acting strange all morning.

Did he really go sleepwalking last night, Dad?

I found him in the middle of the flower bed.

Ben, will you go find Christopher?

Tell him to get ready.

Christopher!

Get ready! Come on!

I'm coming!

Now!

Go away!

Hurry. Come on.

Are you all right?

Ehh.

Can you breathe?

Eeh!

Here they come.

Christopher!

Mom, what's that funny smell?

I don't smell anything.

It's your bum!

Be quiet!

It's revolting-- like moldy chops.

Christopher, did you invite Lonny to the barbecue?

Oh, he's not allowed out.

Isn't that so sad?

Mmm.

Blaah!

What was that?

He did a big fart!

Easy, Ben.

Heat. Light.

Get me out.

I'm starting to feel very strange!

How strange?

Please don't do anything strange.

Not here!

Just hang on, Mr. Cooger.

Get me out. I need darkness.

The cave. The cave!

Boy, take me to the cave!

Help me, Kanziora.

I need darkness! The cave. The cave!

What's happened?

I'm glad to see you.

Where is he?

In the boot.

You mean the trunk.

I've got something to tell you.

Ernie the nerd's making stakes

to slam through his heart.

What?

We got to hide him good.

They're looking for him now.

Don't tell him they want to stake him.

He's got to know.

We've got to protect him.

He needs us.

If we tell him, he'll probably start biting people.

Shh!

He'll hear us.

Please, Lonny. Don't tell him.

Sure, buddy.

I won't.

Come on, Grandpa.

Walk.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, guys!

Oh, no!

What?

Girls!

Let's go this way.

Come on!

Aah!

Oh, my God! It's a corpse!

Sorry, lady.

Sorry!

Come on, Grandpa.

You'll be all right.

We don't have far to go.

Hot sun!

What do you want?

Who's this?

My grandpa.

Mind your own business.

He fell all over those ladies! Ha ha!

Doesn't he like the sun?

Lonny!

Where are you going? Can we come?

No.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, too much sun!

Oh!

Excuse me. You're Kanziora's sister, aren't you?

Yeah. Tammy.

Well, I'm Leah Cooger, Lonny's aunt.

Tell me, have you seen the boys about today?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, we have.

They're down at the beach, ay?

Yes?

With some guy wrapped up like a mummy.

Like a...

mummy?

He looked to gag, ay?

Where did they go?

Towards the caves.

Thank you very much.

- Ha ha! - Ha ha!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Here we are.

Ah!

This is more like it!

Yeah!

Now, boys, if you'll just help me get down.

Oh!

Oh!

I'll tell you, what an endurance test!

Grandpa, we'll get you some food.

Good.

You'll get very hungry here.

And, uh, perhaps a little, uh, alcoholic refreshment?

I'll get you some booze.

Good. You see, it's for my poor circulation

in the extremities.

Ha ha!

Now, uh...

I must rest.

Too much excitement for one day.

We'll come back later, OK?

Good.

And after sunset. And do be careful.

We will. Don't you worry about us.

Please remember the...

poor circulation.

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Oh!

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[footsteps]

[ring]

Hello?

Oh, Senior Sergeant Ticker.

Who?

Oh!

Yes, I remember her.

Tallish woman in a polka-dot frock.

She what?

Oh, there must be some mistake.

She swears it was him?

Oh.

Quite impossible!

Yes!

She's...

she's hysterical.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Too much sun, perhaps. Yes.

Well, of course.

No.

No trouble at all.

Oh, my God.

It's begun.

Oh, Ernie!

Ernie!

Quick!

[Ernie] What is it?

That was Ticker. Someone's recognized Cooger.

She's in the hospital under sedation.

We must move quickly now.

I denied it, of course.

Go to the caves. I know he's there.

Bring him back.

I'll deal with it.

Hello, Lonny.

Hi.

It was hilarious today, Mom.

Lonny's grandfather tripped over these ladies

on the beach.

Dear, poor Mr. Cooger died.

Hi, honey.

That was your grandfather, ay?

What?

He was alive!

Watch your lip.

Put these on the table.

Sorry to hear about Mr. Cooger.

Yeah.

A delightful character.

Go have some chops.

Hello!

Anyone home?

Hello!

Mr. Cooger!

Ah, ha ha!

Oh, that's much better!

Good evening.

Grandpa, we've been seen!

Aunt Leah and Ernie know where you are.

He's on his way. What can I do?

Ha ha ha!

Look, Lonny, my boy,

I don't want you to worry.

Let him come!

Ha ha ha!

I don't want you to concern yourself

with such relatively unimportant human matters.

We've brought you some stuff.

You boys have done well.

And I flogged a huge bottle of gin for you.

Oh!

God bless your little souls!

Ha ha!

Well, it's time for me medicine.

You know, for the circulation?

Mmm!

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Yeah, uh...

I'll tell you,

I better have another, you know.

Mmm.

Just in case, you know.

Aha!

Got the beggar!

Grandpa!

Die, you monster! Die!

Oh, really? Ha ha ha!

Die, you monster!

How pathetic!

Take this!

Well, take this!

Ha ha ha!

Give me five, Grandpa! Yeah!

What about me?

Ha ha ha!

Oh, ha ha!

Oh, I tell you,

because of you, I feel eternally young.

Now, I want to celebrate. Where shall we go?

Hey, what about McDonald's?

But it's not safe there. You'll be seen.

Lonny, my boy, let's be daring.

I want to have fun.

Mr. McDonald!

Here we come!

Mr. McDonald, here we are.

Ha ha ha!

Now, got to look like I fit in with the crowd, huh?

Ha ha ha!

Yessirree! Yeah?

Ha ha ha!

Grandpa, you look cool.

Give me five,

and 5 makes 10.

And here we go!

Ooh!

Ooh, wee!

This is a magnificent place here, yes.

Ooh!

Grandpa, don't you feel well?

No, no. I'm OK, I tell you.

It's just, uh, 281 years are starting to show.

Here. Let me sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

What's the matter with him?

Maybe he needs food.

Grandpa,

would you like a big mac?

A big what?

A big mac.

They don't eat meat.

He wants...

blood.

OK. Two quarter pounders, two large fries...

two raw meat patties?

Thank you.

Hey!

Ooh, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

But... what are you doing?

No, no, no, no. That's not for me.

Please, I... I can't, I'm...

just the sight of it makes me sick.

Now, please.

No, no. I can't. No.

I'm not going to have it, no.

Mr. Cooger, you need your strength.

No, no, no.

Please! Drink!

Come on, Grandpa. Open up.

Ah!

Ah!

Ooh!

Not bad. Quite delicious.

I'll have another.

Waiter!

Garcon?

No waiters here?

Oh, no!

Look out!

You beggars thought you could outdo me, ay?

Ay?

Yeah, Sergeant Ticker, please.

This man is a vampire!

Yeah, mate, and I'm Joan Collins.

Come on, Grandpa.

Let's go.

Now! Run!

Are you coming home with me or what,

you demon?

Stop!

Whatever you're doing--

You? But you're supposed to be...

dead.

I am dead! Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Fly, Grandpa, fly!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Ah!

Get in the car!

Hurry up!

Lonny, stop that!

Ernie, help!

Don't let them take him!

They'll kill him!

That's enough.

Get in there!

Get in!

No!

Leah, you don't understand!

It was those beautiful boys that gave me life!

I didn't mean any harm.

I was having a little fun.

Fun? You call resurrecting yourself from the dead

and running around buting people fun?

You give me no choice, Father.

That no-hoper Ernie put you up to this,

that worthless bum!

I'm not listening.

But he's harmless!

Quiet!

Quiet! Stop your bloody yelling!

Don't you see? He's not human.

They'll stake him through the heart!

But he's just a harmless old man!

Drive up the Cemetery Hill.

They've take him to the burial ground!

The what?

The burial ground where the family vault is.

I don't know what's going on.

Can't you go faster?

Around here, we obey the road code.

This isn't Hawaii Five-0.

Well, they've probably done it by now!

Can't you go a teensy-weensy bit faster?

I don't want to die this way.

I-- I-- I promise. I'll behave myself.

You don't understand, do you?

You're already meant to be dead!

But, Leah!

I am your father!

Ahh!

Come on, you pile of rotting flesh!

Uh!

Uh...

This is it!

Hey, wait a minute! I'm in charge here!

Oh!

Hold him still, for Christ's sakes!

[Sergeant Ticker] Hold it!

Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Grandpa, run!

Ernie, you all right, mate?

Follow me, boys.

Soon you will hear The Fluttering Of My Wings,

and I will be no more.

Meet me down by the sea.

[weeping]

Oh, Father...

I'm sorry!

Mr. Cooger!

Grandpa, where are you?

You'll find me where there's gaiety, laughter,

and fun for all!

Ha ha ha ha...

Sit back and enjoy teen talent time!

First up, a very talented young man from Fauna Beroa...

This boy's a real ding dong.

Bringing his trumpet to give us How Great Thou Art.

Accompanied at the organ by Mrs. Betty Gutsell,

here is Hamish McWhirter!

[playing How Great Thou Art]

Feeling better now, are we, my son?

And have we been saying our prayers?

Yes, Father.

Good boy.

Boy,

close, ay?

Yeah.

Oh, man, where is he?

He's around, Lonny.

I see Mom and Dad!

They're going to kill me!

OK.

[How Great Thou Art continues]

Hi.

Where have you been?

Playing with Lonny.

I didn't know where you'd gone.

I'm sorry.

Don't do that again, Christopher.

She's been worried sick.

Be quiet.

Sorry.

Be quiet.

Hamish McWhirter, ladies and gentlemen.

What a talent!

What a goob!

Now for something more exotic.

We're expecting on the stage three lovely ladies.

They say they've only been singing together

for the last three days, correct?

And here they are. Don't they look lovely?

All right!

It's Serena, Tammy and Brigit who sing their hula song,

My Red O Pooh.

# What am I going to do for my red o pooh? #

# It's so very sore, I don't know what to do...? #

Oh, man!

She's a doll!

Ha ha ha!

# Let them be a warning to you #

# Yesterday, my steamer docked at half past nine #

# The sun has shining bright... #

Ticker!

Can I have a chip?

Just one.

# That's how I got my red o pooh, ooh #

# All the pretty little girls were playing around #

# Getting a suntan, so I thought I'd get one, too #

# Out on the beach, I played my ukulele #

# Getting a suntan #

There he is!

# That was not the thing to do... #

Oh!

# My red o pooh-- #

[Emcee] Everyone, stay calm!

Please, stay calm!

Please, stay in your positions.

# What am I going to do... #

Get off!

# It's so very sore, I don't know what to do #

# I guess the only way to spend an hour every day... #

Oh!

[applause]

Hey! Psst!

[audience cheers]

Holy mother of God. It's the deceased!

Where the hell are they going?

Christopher, come back!

Aah!

Oh.

[applause]

What the hell are you going to do?

Don't ask me!

Help!

Oh.

[applause]

Grandpa, watch out!

Oh, no!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Oh, Father, speak to me!

Speak to me!

Leah...

I'm sorry.

I've been a naughty boy, haven't I?

Are you OK, Aunt Leah?

Yes.

I'm fine now.

But, Aunt Leah,

there's something I don't understand.

How come you aren't one of them?

Oh, Lonny.

It's all so long ago.

Once upon a time, your grandfather fell in love

with a beautiful woman-- Bella Louise, my mother,

and he loved her completely

in the human way,

not the ancient way, you understand?

He... never bit her?

That's right, Kanziora.

So...

Thank God we were spared.

But come along now.

Father wants to see you both.

Grandpa!

Wow!

Isn't he magnificent?

Lonny,

Kanziora,

come.

Come.

It's time now for me to say good-bye.

Good-bye?

But where are you going?

Your grandfather has decided to leave.

It's the best thing for all concerned.

But...

where will he go?

It's time to take my freedom and join the others.

Others?

There's more?

Oh, yes. Many more,

like myself,

who wander this planet

in search of love

and understanding.

You boys have set me free

with your honesty and your bravery,

and I'll never forget you both ever.

But...

but will we ever see you again, Grandpa?

Oh, Lonny, I'll always be there!

Ay, Kanziora?

And in your dreams,

I will return.

I will!

Leah,

my traveling coat, please.

Leah, my...

my beautiful daughter Leah.

Oh, Father!

Kanziora.

Give me five, Lonny.

And 5 makes 10?

I'll always love you, Lonny.

Farewell.

See you later...

mashed potater.

In a little while,

crocodile.

Farewell!

What is she saying?

I think she's booting the sucker out.

Good.

Why do you think your aunt likes him?

You know, Kanziora,

love's a very strange thing.

Makes 'em go funny in the head.

Really screwy, man. Ha ha!

Never laid a hand on him.

How can you be so cruel?

Please, just go now,

and just leave me alone!

OK. Keep your hair on!

I'm going!

And if old fang face shows up

for a bit of blood sucking,

stuffed if I'll be around to help you.

Silly dame!

I know when I'm not wanted!

Christ!

I could murder a feed.

- Ha ha! - Ha ha!

Gee, Lonny, I hope we don't ever get old.

Imagine what that would be like.

Yeah.

You know...

kind of be nice...

just to...

stay the same...

like we are now...

tonight...

for ever and ever.

Yeah. That would be lovely, ay?