Original subtitles

No... No...

David!

Great, yeah.

I thought I heard you pull in.

So, where are you going?

Mom, I got stuff to do. I just, I can't be here right now.

Sweetie, is this about Jenny? She'll forgive you.

Just, you know, reach out and...

I did reach out. I sent her this massive manifesto length apology

that made my phone hot while I was trying to send it

and she still didn't respond, so, that is over. Over.

I mean, I'm moving on, gotta go...

Sweetie, it's Dad's birthday, okay? You can't go.

I know. But Dad celebrates his birthdays, half-birthdays, quarter-birthdays,

eighth-birthdays, and something he calls nano-birthdays.

So, it's kind of always Dad's birthday, right?

I need to get back to the office. I...

Oh, is that where you've been all week? Because I've been calling you

and you have not returned my calls, and I've been worried sick.

Are you sleeping in this? You can't sleep in this.

David, you're gonna get tweed sores.

No, well, I'm not sleeping, Mom. That... I'm working.

-Okay, I'm in a flow state. -Mm-hmm.

It's like surfing a wave of pure thought.

After all these years, I'm finally gonna prove Goldbach's Conjecture

and revolutionize mathematics. I am this close, I can taste it! Haha!

David, are you using math to hide from life, like always?

No. I don't do that,

-that's not me. -Just like in kindergarten

when the kids made fun of you because you couldn't skip,

and you just came home and you buried your little nose in all those puzzle books.

You know what, David, life isn't math, okay, it's messy.

Life is messy. People are messy. David... David!

-You're doing it now! -No, I'm not.

Okay, out! No excuses! Ugh!

FYI, my offer still stands, I can teach you how to skip.

I...

Hey! Welcome to Harvey Gras!

Who's ready for a Cajun invasion?!

Okay. Happy birthday, Dad.

Oh, come on Dinky, I think you mean...

Uh, bonne fete à toi, Monsieur Harvois!

Atta boy! Now, let's get low!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Joyeux Anniversaire, Joyeux Anniversaire!

Bonne fete à toi, Harvois,

Joyeux Anniversaire!

Woo! Woo-woo-woo!

Merci beaucoup!

De rien.

Wowee, what a soiree! This gumbo is tres magnifique!

And ooh-la-la, such glorious gifts! My very first Rolex.

I feel like Lil Uzi Vert. Thank you, honey!

-Blep! -And...

my very first hairpiece. Thank you... Rose.

Yeah, Mom. He looks like the My Pillow guy.

That one hundred percent yak.

And Gregg, how the heck did you afford this amp man?

I thought you blew all your savings on Gregg by Greggwest.

All that stupid stuff you bought.

Don't you worry your pretty little yak-head about it, Pops.

You're worth it.

Hey, what about you David? What did you get Dad for a present?

See? This is what I was talking about. David!

Yo, math-boy. Don't tell me you forgot Dad's gift?

No, no! I, uh... Yeah, um...

Oh, here, uh, yep. Here you go, Dad. Happy birthday.

-Wow! -Thank you, David.

"Get one free sub, when you buy ten other subs.

Cheesesteaks not included."

Yeah, and I already bought six subs.

So, there's only four more left until you can get a free sub.

Wow.

What a deal! So we should probably move things along,

because we've got the neighborhood noise curfew that kicks in at nine.

That's right! It's not Harvey Gras without fireworks!

And I drove two hours across state lines to get these!

I got Roman Candles, Satan's Spliffs, operation dig dong...

...ugly Betties...

Oh!

-Oh! -Oh, no!

Grandma Sadie's tablecloth!

- Sorry, Nana. - Rose!

'Kay, Harvey, you get the door, I'll get the soda water, all right?

Great Grandma Sadie's ghost is totally gonna murder you.

Oh, she will. She definitely will.

Donnie, what are you doing back here?

Brought you a birthday gift. So, I wanted to bring it straight to your kitchen.

-It's cauliflower from my garden. -Ooh.

It's really growin' like crazy this year, 'cause, uh,

-I've been fertilizing it with my own... -Great, thank you.

Goodnight, Donnie.

Slow down, birthday twin. Donnie's birthday, too!

Don't tell me you forgot. Where's my present?

Oh, right. Uh, here. There you go. Come on.

"Cheesesteaks not included"? This is borderline insulting, Harv.

Yeah.

Tell you what, I'll take a slice of that cake instead.

Fine. Just take it to go.

I will... After I get my birthday selfie.

Jesus, fine.

Oh, not with you. Jane, how 'bout a birthday selfie with Donnie?

Okay, let's make it quick.

Donnie and Jane, count of three. Donnie and Jane!

We have enough.

Oh, that's gonna be a great profile pic.

-Goodnight, Donnie. -Oh, thanks.

What's your birthday theme this year? You a magician's assistant?

Yeah. Now, disappear.

Here we go... Here, sweetie... Can you give me a hand?

Good luck, he's orbiting Jupiter.

Now, David, blot it, don't rub.

Blot it, don't rub.

Oh...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I've seen this before. He's in "spinning beach ball mode," Nana.

Don't worry about it though. Nothing I can't fix real quick.

All you gotta do is hit "restart"!

Gregg!

There you go.

No, no. No-no-no-no, I had it.

Had what, honey?

Goldbach's Conjecture, Mom! I totally had it!

- Oh... - The heavens were opening!

Angels were singing, Mom!

But then you had to hit me in the head, you little psychopath!

Right when it was all about to click! You ruined my big eureka moment!

More like a urethra moment.

How is that even a joke?! How is it even a joke?!

You know it's a penis joke.

Thanks a lot, Whoopsie, you son of a bitch!

Hey! Your mother's not a bitch!

-Yeah, and I'm not an accident! -Hmm.

Honey, honey, where you going?

My office, Mom. I've gotta get it back.

Recover my train of thought before it's totally kaput.

Wait-wait-wait! Stop. Stay. Don't go. What do you want?

You want some coffee? Shall I make coffee?

You want a window to scribble on?

We don't actually write on windows, Mom.

-No? -No.

Well, I just want to help. We all wanna help. How can we help?

Thanks, but that is one equation that I have not forgotten...

"You all" plus "help" equals "shitshow."

Oh, David! Give us a chance to do better. Okay?

We love you, and all your father and I care about is you...

Argh! It's twenty to nine! Fireworks time! Bonsoir, David!

-Harvey... -Yeah, Bonsoir, Harvois!

No, no! Harvey, you listen to me. If he doesn't solve this math problem,

he's never gonna face his real problems, which is Jenny Spiegel.

Fine. All right, lay it on me. Come on, quick.

-Quick-quick-quick-quick. -What?!

Your math thing. Go!

Dad. The greatest minds in the world have been working

to prove Goldbach's Conjecture since seventeen forty two.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit me!

-Is he serious? -Yeah. I don't know.

All right, fine, fine.

Prove that every even counting number greater than two...

Greater than two, 'kay.

Can be expressed as the sum of two primes.

Primes... Gimme a second...

Okay.

Ninety-three.

Is that it, David? Is it ninety-three?

- It's not ninety-three. - Okay.

It's not just a number. It's a complicated series of logical conjectures...

Ninety-four!

Bye. Bye!

Oh, wait, no, wait! I have an idea. A real one. A good one.

Sometimes, when I lose my train of thought,

I just retrace my steps, and then boop, I'm right back on that train.

What do you mean?

So, if I just do what I was doing, and hear what I was hearing,

and see what I was seeing, then I think what I was thinking.

Hmm... environmental cues... sparking neural pathways...

I mean, makes sense. But we're not gonna recreate the entire night.

Well, when were things just really clicking for you? Math-wise.

I guess when we started singing for Dad.

Then we just go back to that! We just recreate the last five minutes. So easy!

I mean, it could work.

No, it will work! It will work! Why?

Because we're Langers. And it's in our family motto!

Yeah? Yeah?

Keep calm and anger on?

Keep calm and Langer on! He knows! He knows!

But it's fireworks time!

Harvey, you can either do your fireworks right now,

or you can just wait five minutes and help our son make mathematical history.

So, what's it gonna be?

-Harvey! -I'm thinking!

Okay, who is ready to witness a math miracle in the making?

And then... pew-pew-pew! Fireworks are ready in the back yard!

-David, you ready? -I suppose.

Bowls, wine, table cloth, cake!

Well, at least I get a second dinner out of it. Haha!

Let's get ready to gumbo!

Joyeux Anniversaire! Joyeux Anniversaire!

Bonne fete à toi, Harvois!

Joyeux Anni...

Oh, wait. Donnie's supposed to knock at the back.

-He's not supposed to ring at the front. -It's okay.

He made a mistake, we're gonna fix it.

Gregg, why don't you go tell Donnie to go to the back door, okay?

Why do I have to be the one to...

Don't be a prick, Gregg, just go.

Good evening.

Who are you?

I'm with a Debt Collection Agency. Is a Dr. Harvey Langer available to...

No!

Sir, so you happen to know why Dr. Langer

-is not paying his credit card bills? -I...

And are you aware of any recent purchases, such as

a smoke machine, t-shirt cannon, guitar amplifier?

Mmm! You have the wrong house. There's no Harvey here, so...

There's no Harvey Langer, it's just a Harvey Gras.

That’s not what my paper work says. Sir...

Hey! It's all good. Sent Donnie around to the kitchen.

All right so, let's take it from his entrance.

David, are you ready to spill the wine? Okay, good.

Uh, Donnie, that's your cue!

But David, don't really spill it this time, just pretend, you know.

Mom, he has to spill it or it's not gonna work.

- Oh, no. - Sorry, Nana.

Don't apologize to me, apologize to your Great Grandma Sadie.

Sorry, Sadie.

Not that way. That way.

Oh, my God.

Mm, mm!

Nana's gettin' turnt.

Oh, God. More cauliflower?

Wait, what's Lambert doing here? He wasn't here the first time.

No, I know, he gotta go for a walk. 'Cause if he don't get out this time of night...

Hey! Get back...

-He'll be all right. It's okay. -Donnie!

Good boy, Lamb!

Hey, where the hell...

Lambert! You gotta be kidding me! No! Come on!

Who's my good boy?

-Donnie! He just peed on my amp! -Donnie!

Oh, sorry. Just stick it in a bag of rice, or something.

No, how about you just get your dog out of my...

All right.

Just give him a piece of cake.

I'm not giving this guy another piece of my cake.

Harvey, please. We owe this to David. He is so close, right now.

-Fine. -Okay.

Make it a big piece, it's my birthday.

All right, here.

All right. Here you go, Lamb!

- Oh, come on. - Good boy!

Goodnight, Donnie.

Hold on, we gotta do the birthday selfie!

I want to be in it too, Daddy!

-You got it Lam, come on Jane. -Come on.

Oh, it's like we're a family!

Here, sweetie, give me a hand?

Here, sweetie, give me a hand.

Mom. That's your cue.

Oh.

Line?

Pfft. Yeah, well, worth a try. Worth a try. Goodnight, everybody.

No, no, honey. No, wait. Okay, everybody. From the top!

We're gonna keep doing this until we get it right.

But honey, we're all exhausted. Just let him work...

and let us firework. Right, Gregg?

Hm?

No, okay, listen. If we all just pay attention to our cues...

Mom, Mom, honestly, forget it. I'm never proving Goldbach's Conjecture.

And I'm definitely not winning the Fields Medal, that's for sure.

Let alone the million-dollar prize that comes with it, so...

Wait, what did you, what did you say?

Did you say that whoever proves this thing gets a milli? Is that what you said?

Yeah, but it's not about the money, Gregg, it's about the pride of...

Okay, yeah, no, you know what, Mom was right! We should totally do this!

C'mon people, time is money and money is time!

Let's take it from the top!

Okay, you heard the man! Places, everyone!

No, but my fireworks! Jane, it's...

I said, "Places, everyone!"

Huh, Mother?

Okay, guys! We're nailing this, okay!

So, no pressure, Mom, but he's very close! It's all you.

You got this, Rose. "Blot it, don't rub."

Yeah.

Bop it, don't rut! Oh! What?!

Uh, boop it, don't snap.

No-no-no-no-no. Wait a minute, I got it, I got it.

Blip it, don't blop. Or reeb it, don't snap.

Rib it, rub it, rub it, baba buoy, baba buoy.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

Mom! I don't mean to insult you, but why is this so hard?

It's four words! Okay, so just look at me. Look at me and just listen.

It's, "Blot it, don't rot!"

Argh! Lost it!

-Jane! What are you doing? -Boo!

-That's what I said! -No! Don't boo me!

That's exactly what I said before!

-Because you were... no. -Ssh!

-Because you were say... -Ssh!

-Mother... -What?!

What is Donnie's problem. Again?! What is with him?!

I-I got it!

Blot it, don't rub. Right?

Yeah, that's it.

Sir, I've confirmed that this is, in fact, the address of Dr. Harvey Langer.

Yep! Harvey Langer. Wowee!

You're Harvey Langer? Dentist. Age fifty two?

Fifty-three, actually! It's my birthday.

But I don't have time for all this happy horseshit.

What do you want?!

Do I really have to pretend I haven't already...

Sir, I'm here about unpaid credit card bills.

And/or identity theft.

You know what... Here. Take this and go.

What is this?

It's a brand new Rolex.

Collateral for my so-called, you know, "debts."

Sir, this is fake. It says "Lorax."

What? My mom wouldn't... I mean, my wife...

would not give my dad... Me! Argh!

My wife would not give me a fake Rolex...

Gregg, what the hell's going on, man?

What are you doing?

Are you Harvey Langer?

-Yes! -Yes!

Yes. Uh, me, too. I also Harvey Langer.

We all Harvey Langer!

Harvey Langer, Harvey Langer, Harvey Langer, Harvey Langer.

I hope this was helpful. I'm going to go to sleep now.

Okay, night, night, Nana.

So long, Harvey Langer!

A fake Rolex? Really Jane, why?

Only so I didn't have to worry about you losing it!

You've flushed three different sets of AirPods down the toilet, Harvey.

Two! Two! I did not flush that third set!

The "Find My Stuff" app says they're somewhere in the couch, right there!

So you can take that back right now!

Why are you yelling at me and not him? He stole your identity.

I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it.

What?!

Okay, here. You're you again.

No! Not another... Aah! until you pay back every penny!

Stop! Enough! Please, please!

Why did I stay here tonight? Why did I think you guys could help me?

Oh, honey...

Last week, you ruined my relationship with Jenny. And now, my career.

What am I even doing here? Why do I come to these Friday night dinners?

Hmm? For what?

Dinky...

No. Happy birthday, Dad. I'm done. I'm done.

Will you...

Hey, yo, David! How come no-one's cueing me?

Standin' out there forever.

This shit gets unwieldy. You ever hold cauliflower?

Sorry, Donnie. It's over, okay. My family blew it.

Thanks, man. See ya 'round.

You know, uh, your pop and I might be birthday twins,

but I never really got that guy.

Except, of course, for his taste in women, which is undeniable.

Okay, goodbye.

But you, David, you I get.

We're practically the same person, me and you.

Are we, Donnie?

Little shy, bit of a loner, alcoholic...

No, no, I don't drink.

Atta boy, David. Good for you. How many days you been sober?

I'm not sober, I don't...

Hey, it's okay. Been there. And as similar as we are, David,

there is one big diff: you got a family. And they would do anything for you.

Crazy stuff! Like tonight? Oh, ho, jeezoman!

I sure wish I had what you got.

Anyway, 'night, David.

'Night, Donnie.

Oh, and David? Work those steps. One day at a time.

Keep the plug in the jug. You got this, buddy!

Okay.

Donnie believes in ya!

Oh...

Oh!

David, you came back! Wowee!

Oh... Oh, my gosh, honey, it's too late. It's past the neighborhood noise curfew.

Oh, screw it. It ain't Harvey Gras without the fireworks.

- Wow! - Oh!

Satan's spliffs!

Oh, my head...

Yep, yep, yep... all's well that ends well.

-Love you, Dad. -Aw, love you too, buddy.

Can't wait to start working together!

What was that?

Monday, you'll report to the dentist's office first thing in the morning,

and you'll be manning the reception desk until all the money's paid off.

What?! That's crazy! Mom, tell Dad that's crazy.

Suck it, Whoopsie.

I'm so happy you came back.

Oh. I'm sorry I lost it earlier. I am lucky to have you guys.

As insane as that sounds coming out of my mouth.

Ohh... Well, you know,

I'm sorry that we all kinda diarrhea'd all over your life.

You didn't. I did, you know. I'm the one that lied to Jenny,

and made dad's birthday entirely about me.

No. No, I deserved that whack on the head.

Ohh!

You're gonna get her back. You are, I just know it.

And you know why, because you're a Langer. Hah!

And what do we do?

Ah, don't make me say it.

David, what do we do?

We keep calm and Langer on.

Yes, we do! Oh!

And just to prove it, it is time for your skipping lesson.

-Oh... -Okay, here we go.

Here we go. We're gonna step, step, hop.

It's just a hop. Hop is up and down. There we go, step-hop. Step-hop!

-Look, okay, watch. Step, hop... -Yeah, yeah...

Look at that, Charlie!

It's 10:00, assholes!

Here we go!

Passover party people!

-Ca-caw! -The Langer games are on!

What are the Langer Games?

It's a high-stakes matzo hunt.

It's like cockfighting, but with children.

You say that likes it's a bad thing.

David, I have incredible news.

The world has finally discovered my prank channel!

Your what?

We're going viral!

Welcome to the Langerdome! Let the wild rumpus start!

I thought you said it was gonna be boring here tonight.

Oh!

Mwah!

Yeah, I really hoped it would be.