Original subtitles

Welcome, we're straight to the action.

And Pete was down the pub with Rob last night, as Rob's

girlfriend Anna was away.

While the cat was away, the mice

did get absolutely blatted.

Rob, what's a matter, mate?

I slept with her, Pete.

I slept with that girl Erica, from last night.

Oh my god.

I can't believe I've done this to Anna.

I know.

Come in.

Yeah, they got lucky with two girls, Erica and Tilly,

although Rob got luckier than Pete.

I bumpted into her again at the Tube.

The next thing I know we're back at the flat

having frenzied sex, on the marble floor of our kitchen.

Frenzied sex?

Yeah, she dented Anna's chrome bin.

Oh, Anna's not going to like that, is she?

I think she'll be more worried about the frenzied sex.

Probably.

- What is Manfred doing here? - Sorting out his fruit.

He goes around picking it up every Saturday

when the markets are finished.

They just leave it lying around on the ground.

It's like a garden of Eden.

Mind you, you have to get in there before the rats.

But Rob, check it out, mate, these things happen, yeah.

Well, I'm going to have to tell Anna.

- What? - I've got to.

I can't go through my life with this hanging over me.

I mean, look at that.

Ew.

Did Erica do that?

That's not a love bite, it's a stress rash.

Ekk.

But look, why have you got to tell her?

There other options. - Like what?

The honorable thing would be to chuck her and see how

things go with this new one.

What's the matter with you?

You're supposed to be my friend.

No, he's not very good at male friendship.

He struggles to empathize.

Earlier, he made some very hurtful remarks about my plums.

Oh, looks like Pete's

given that slightly strange girl he met last night a call.

Well, he is in a bit of a dry spell.

Yeah. He's a young man with needs.

And that there's nothing sexist about that,

because women have needs too.

Don't they, Terry?

I don't know.

I've never given it much thought, Colin.

Well, according to that course they made us go on, they do.

Oh, dear, and she's a UFO nut.

Well, I hope that didn't seem too weird, for a first date.

No.

I thought it was completely fascinating, actually.

Mind you, I could have done without that bloke

saying it was all rubbish. - I know.

I mean, imagine standing up in a room full of UFO-ologists

and saying, it's all "Donkey Kong."

I know.

The proof's incontrovertible.

What do you think is going on, that people are just sitting

around faking up photos of aliens...

Just to put on the internet, for a laugh, for a joke?

I mean, get real.

Exactly.

People like that basically are just insecure.

I agree with you.

Well, I better get back to the hotel for the rest of my shift.

OK, all right.

Oh.

No close encounters for Pete.

Good one, Colin.

Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, Silverman.

I hope that paint's not carcinogenic.

Sam?

Terry, it's Pete and Rob's old mate from college.

Oh yeah, but Pete once failed to return

Sam's green felt-tip pen.

Sam was a geographer, and needed it to color

in the land on his maps.

And I believe that incident

led to a physical fight.

Well, hello, Peter.

I knew it was you.

How are you?

Yeah, uh, not too bad.

How's the acting going?

Yeah. Yeah, it's all right, mate.

Yeah, irons in the fire, you know?

OK.

The last thing I heard you were up for a film with Johnny Depp.

Yeah, it didn't really work out in the end.

No, I can see that.

I can see that, mate. - How do you mean?

Well, you'd hardly painting yourself silver and using

a Hoover as a backpack thing, if you were co-starring in a film

with Johnny Depp, would you?

Well, at least I'm not living off

fruits I find on the ground.

Who told you that?

Rob.

It was one apple, and I gave it a rinse.

OK?

Anyway,

three years at drama school.

Shut up there, Pete.

Hey.

Beep, must obey prime objective.

Circuits broken.

Oof, they're off.

What's all that about?

How 'bout that?

Do you know how long that took me to make?

I don't know, a minute?

I'd probably start running, Pete, if I were you.

Oh quick, Terminator's after me.

I'll be watching you Peter I'll be watching you.

What, with you bionic eyes?

So we join Pete at his job, working for Little Footy Stars,

coaching one of their under-13 classes.

Would you ever consider youth coaching, Terry?

Yeah, I'd love to, but the money would have to be right.

OK, so this is how you take a penalty.

What are you laughing at?

Why are you laughing? Stop it.

Ssh. Stop it.

Is this football coaching, or rugby?

I might have missed, yeah.

But that was technically perfect, OK?

And don't laugh.

This is a serious game.

Hello, Tilly, I'm just doing my coaching.

Oh, cool.

All right, Zach, your turn.

You're up.

See, told you I had a girlfriend.

Anyway, remember three things.

Run up, in step, body shape.

That's not the way I play.

I play on instinct.

We're done.

Actually, I'll go in goal. Out you come, Sarah.

It's Sophie.

Yeah, out you come, babe.

Come on, out you come.

OK, so do it like I told you, yeah?

OK, get back there.

Get back there.

What was that?

What was that? - What?

Mate, technically, that was all over the place.

I scored.

We're not trying to score.

We're here to learn the basics.

It's still 1-nil to me, though, sir.

Football isn't about scoring goals.

Straight out of the old Arsenal coaching book.

And don't call me sir.

Call me Pete.

This is supposed to be a relaxed, informal environment,

for you to use your skills, and have a few laughs.

Oh, and there's Jake.

OK, that's enough.

That's it, come around.

Come on, in you come.

All right.

Put your hands on.

Put your hands on.

Who makes it happen?

We do.

OK, do it properly, or else we'll

be here for another 15 minutes.

All right?

OK?

Who makes it happen?

We do.

Better, better, well done.

OK, see you next week, guys. That was fantastic.

Well done.

Oh, that looked like good fun.

Yeah, it is, it is.

Because they're such great kids, and I get a real buzz out

of them, you know?

I get a real buzz out of children.

Jake, what are you doing here, mate?

I just came to watch my nephew.

Who's your... oh, Zach, yeah? - Yeah.

He's a great kid.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm glad you're doing it this week.

Because Zach says the bloke who normally does it is dreadful.

I do it every week, mate.

Sure.

Well, he probably means one of his other courses.

Oh look, it's Pete's ex-girlfriend, Chloe.

Out of all the girls Pete's ever been out with, she's

been the most important.

And if Pete's head was a planet,

we can see that she's made the biggest

emotional impact on his world.

And by comparison, there's Tilly...

Yet to make an impact at all.

Just sort of hovering in the vicinity of Pete's ear.

Chloe.

Chloe, what are you doing here?

We're actually... We're going out.

Fucking what?

Yeah.

When did this start up?

It's a bit much, isn't it?

I'm sorry, Pete.

We didn't mean for you to find out like this.

- Oh, well, bloody hell. - I'm Tilly.

Sorry. Yeah, this is Tilly.

Pete's girlfriend.

Pleased to meet you.

Hello.

We were going to go for coffee, actually, if you

guys wanted to come along.

No, unfortunately

We'd love to.

So which is your favorite, the North Pole or the South Pole?

Well, they're both good.

But I think it would be the South Pole.

It's just that little bit colder, you know?

So what do you do?

I'm a student.

But I'm working in a hotel, to pay my way.

Oh, what are you studying?

Astrobiology... the study of UFOs and aliens.

It was that or media studies.

But I just thought, with the aliens,

there's a better chance of getting a job at the end of it.

Sounds interesting.

Yeah, I'm really into it.

I'm doing my thesis at the moment, on the "Mary Celeste."

What's that?

Oh, they don't want to know about that.

Tell them about the hotel.

Oh no, I'd love to hear about it.

Some things are just best left to mystery, aren't they?

No, but I've solved the mystery.

My teacher thinks I'm really onto something.

Is your teacher David Icke?

No, it's Mike.

Well, Professor Mike.

They were all abducted by aliens,

who used their DNA to create a new species of cyborgs...

That live amongst us and occupy the highest positions of power.

Angela Merkel's one.

And Dappy from N-Dubz.

Can you fetch us another coffee?

Excuse me.

Well, I have to say, Tilly, your theory sounds a bit

fetched.

Well, not many of us have seen Everest,

but we don't think it's not there.

Well, I've climbed Everest, so I know it's there.

Look, earlier we went to a talk on UFOs,

and this guy was so convincing.

I mean, you were saying this, weren't you, Pete?

Yeah, it was interesting.

I didn't know you believed in UFOs, Pete.

I think it's good to keep an open mind on these things.

Now, don't tell me you don't believe in aliens.

The proof is here.

Well, I've got to go.

I've got a conference call on the Vatnajokull glacier.

It's getting wider but not longer.

No one can work out why.

Maybe it's got something stuck in it.

Catch you later, guys.

Back in a sec.

Your girlfriend seems nice.

Oh no, she's not my girlfriend.

We haven't even slept together yet.

Ah, Pete, you don't need to tell me that.

Sorry about all that alien stuff, by the way.

I don't... I don't believe any of that.

I was just going along with it.

I don't think it's that outlandish.

I mean, it's very arrogant of us to think we're the only form

of life in the universe.

Exactly.

But you just said you didn't believe any of that stuff.

Oh no, I'm not making myself clear.

Um, there's just no proof yet, is there?

Obviously, there are other life forms.

It would be arrogant of us not to believe that.

That's exactly what I think.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not as into it as Tilly.

Neither am I.

I mean, it could just be on a bacterial level.

That's exactly what I was about to say.

Ah.

We're so similar, aren't we?

Yeah.

Well, I guess we always were.

Do you remember that time we went

to Bournemouth, in January?

Yeah.

There's something nice about a seaside town out of season,

isn't there?

Yeah.

There really is.

Well, is she leaving the door ajar for Pete?

When Jake and I went, everything was open.

It was fantastic.

We had the best time ever.

No, she's not.

Are you all right, Pete?

You're very quiet.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Should we go this way?

It's quicker

Ah, no.

The thing is there's this robot that's after me, so.

Wow.

Yeah, of course, a robot.

Bloody hell.

Yeah,

Well, Tilly certainly seems

to have a lively imagination.

Yeah, like my second wife.

She was convinced I was having an affair.

But you were having an affair, Terry.

Ah, but there's no way she could

have possibly known about it.

I've been meticulous, man.

Well, this is Pete's regular five-a-side footy

game, with the lads

Yeah, unfortunately,

he can't play, as he pulled a hamstring bout in footballs

in orbit against children.

I'm really gutted that I can't play.

What are we going to do? We're a man down.

Oh, don't worry, Pete, Zach came to watch.

He can play. - Well, I don't know about that.

But you're injured anyway.

Yeah, it doesn't mean I want him to play.

You don't want to play with a 12-year-old, do you?

Rob? Rob?

Oh, and look at Rob's rash.

I bet that hurts when he shaves.

Do you want to play with a 12-year-old, mate?

Ah, I don't know.

All right, you can play.

Hey!

Feel free to tuck into the half-time oranges.

Come on, let's get you a kit.

Imagine what Carlos Tevez would say if he

was offered those at half-time.

So Rob and I are having a little

get together, to celebrate the fact

that we've been going out for five years.

I would love it if you came.

It's only been five years, blow me.

I'd love to come.

Rob!

He's such a wonderful guy.

Friends of UFO, I've got to take it.

OK, then.

So what happened to my house the other night?

- Hmm? - In my kitchen?

Nothing happened in your kitchen, Anna.

Kitchen! - Oh, really?

So there's nothing you want to tell me?

No.

About my bin?

Oh.

And how it got dented?

I know you were there with Rob that night.

When, what night?

Was that... what night?

I don't know if I was there.

You might as well tell me, because I'll

only get it out of Rob.

You know I will.

All right, it was me, I did it.

I kicked it. - What?

It was an accident.

I was Riverdancing.

Uh.

Oh, that's the end of the game.

I better, because the... but there's nothing.

OK, well done, well done.

Well played, Zach.

He is brilliant.

You'll have to watch out.

He'll be taking your place permanently.

Yeah, but you've got to be over 18 to play in this league,

so. - I was only kidding, Pete.

Yeah, I know.

But technically, he shouldn't have been playing today.

I mean, I'm not going to tell anyone,

but let's not let it happen again.

Yeah.

Well done, boys.

- What was Anna asking? - Hmm?

Was it about the other night?

She wanted to know what dented her bin.

Oh, Christ she's on to me.

I can't stand this.

My own body is attacking me.

I'm turning into The Fly, Pete, The Fly.

Get a grip.

Don't worry.

I told her I did it Riverdancing.

I'm going to have to tell her about Erica.

Bollocks to that, mate.

She'll fucking kill you if she finds out, and you know it.

Well, not quite Mariella

Frostrup in the advice stakes.

Don't worry.

Chill out.

More like Ray Winstone in "Scum."

They found an orange Nissan Micra inside the Great Pyramid

of Cheops. - Have they?

I've got to get back to the lab.

Well, I say lab.

I mean the hut in Professor Mike's garden.

Oh, but I thought we're going to have a little...

Little.

Would you seriously put sex ahead of proving

extraterrestrial life exists.

No.

Exactly.

I must say I'm surprised

Pete's going along with the UFO stuff, to this extent.

Well, we all make compromises when we're on the pull.

When I was first stepping out with Missy Elliott,

I was very happy to give her the impression

that I liked rap music.

But really you're more of a country-western man.

Anything with a story, really, Colin.

And it's the last Footy Star session of the current term.

And Pete being assessed.

They might well need a job next season,

so it's a big game for him.

And here's how the teams line up.

Yeah, both sides going for the same formation...

A big scrum, that just follows the ball around.

Touch and move.

Touch and move.

You're way out of position there, Jenny.

I'm sorry, Sophie.

Yes!

Well, I don't know who

he's trying to impress with that, the assessors or Chloe.

1-0.

But generally, he's been

given a right roasting by Zach.

Come on, Zach.

What is going on?

Yes, and he doesn't like it one little bit.

It's unbelievable stuff.

It's unbelievable.

Here he comes again.

It's like Zach's deliberately trying

to expose Pete as the journeymen footballer he is.

Which way's he going to go?

Oh, dear.

And there's no place for that in the game, at any level.

Get up,

Oh, and that's not play acting, Colin.

What are you doing?

I've got the ball.

He's 12 years old.

I can't move my legs.

Oh shit.

Pete, you're twice his size.

It was an accident.

I got the ball, I got the ball.

Oh, and I'd say that's a second.

Well, that's harsh.

In my day, that wouldn't have even been a yellow card.

How about this?

Ah, yeah, it still works. Put it in.

Pete getting together

a haul of gizmos and games, to give to poor little Zach

in his hospital bed.

Ah, he's even putting in his old laptop.

I hope he's wiped it.

It's a bit like being Santa Claus.

Yeah, it is a little bit, isn't it?

Only, Santa Claus is kind to all children,

not just the ones whose legs he's broken.

Hello, mate.

Oh, come to work it out now, have you?

I'm really, really sorry, yeah?

But technically, your left leg's just a snapped Achilles,

isn't it? So it's not actually broken.

But I'm really sorry.

I know why you did it.

You're jealous, because I'm better than you...

Even though you're an adult and I'm just a kid.

You're not better than me.

More potential, but did win the ball, didn't I?

You're shit at football, and you're shit at life.

You're a bit young to know about life, aren't you?

And watch your language, yeah.

Do you want me to sign your cast?

Casts?

You're a loser.

That's why Chloe's with Uncle Jake now.

Ooh, from the mouths of babes and innocents.

OK.

I brought you some stuff.

Brought you some fruit.

And brought you loads of games and stuff,

in case you get bored.

Have a look at that.

Is this a joke?

What do you mean?

A Gameboy? What am I going to do with that?

I used to love that, when I was your age.

I don't want a load of crap from the 1990s.

There's some good stuff in there, mate, actually.

I've got a one terabyte laptop there.

What do I want this bollocks for?

Now, get out, and take your bag of shit with you.

OK, I'll just sign your cast first.

There you go.

Have some of that.

Did you notice how I slidey the floor was when I came in?

It's really fun, actually. Slide about, do a little dance.

You'd really enjoy it, if your legs worked, you little fuck.

Pete?

Will you ask him to leave please, Jake?

He's really upsetting me.

I think you better leave, Pete.

No, you don't understand.

And he drew a cock on my plaster.

Now.

Bye, Chloe, see you later.

Bye, Pete.

Pete waiting outside Tilly's hotel for her shift to finish.

Tilly's unique amongst her hotel co-workers, in that

she's never nicked anything.

Well, well done, Tilly.

Oh, but here comes Sam.

Oy.

All right.

I got kicked off that pitch, thanks to you.

What?

Yeah, somebody complained about you

jumping on my control pack.

You mean your cardboard box?

Control pack.

The point is the council don't want

that sort of rowdy elements amongst the street

entertainers.

To be a street entertainer don't you in some way

have to be entertaining?

What's not entertaining about a robot?

Don't know, maybe everything, because it's shit.

What's going on?

This is my robot friend I was telling you about.

Wow, you're so advanced.

What R2-D2, no, he's not.

Don't do that.

Hey, don't worry about it.

What are you doing?

Oh, it's the hotel manager.

I've got to see what he wants.

Both of you, cut it out.

Don't worry.

What'd you do that for, Roboshit?

Yeah, not so nice when it happens to you, is it?

But that's electronics. Yours was a crisp box.

Control pack.

All right.

You dickhead.

Yeah.

Come on, get out of it.

Wanker.

Oh, where's the robot guy?

I don't know.

He got on... wherever.

Oh my god, Pete?

What have you done?

We had a little scuffle too, yeah.

You've killed him.

No, I haven't.

You can trust me, Pete.

Oh, if only I'd been here, I could have mediated.

I know about robots.

What?

We all knew she was a bit off kilter,

but I think we can say now she's the full Mel Gibson.

Now we've got to get rid of the body.

We'll drive out of town.

We can throw him in a lake I know.

No one need ever know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good idea.

Or we could just pop them in that little bin, and save time.

So the night of the fifth anniversary of Anna

and Rob's first date, which was a trip

to the Victoria and Albert Museum, to look at the dresses.

You know, robots are a special interest of mine.

Because the first time I was abducted by aliens,

it was a robot that did most of the probing.

My God, I didn't know you've been abducted by aliens

and probed. On top of everything else?

Oh yeah, Mike says I've been abducted at least three times.

Hello, Manfred.

- Oh, how's it, Pete? - Good.

It's nice you're eating some food you didn't

find on the road for once.

I though you liked the reclaimed fruit.

I've had the squirts all week.

Hey, did you hear about Jake and Chloe?

- No. - Yeah, they split up.

You're kidding?

No, bruh, she was getting fed up

with him working all the time.

She was just telling me about it.

Tilly, can I have a word?

What is it?

- I think we should break up. - What?

Why? - I don't know.

It just hasn't felt right for a while now.

I made myself accessory to murder for you.

What?

The robot you killed?

Look, that wasn't a robot.

That was just a silver bloke, what's

the name, street entertainer. - No, it wasn't.

I should have told you earlier,

but I didn't have the heart.

It's like telling a child there's no Father Christmas.

Oh my god, you do know there's no Father Christmas.

Of course I do.

Well, I don't know you.

I saw the evidence.

He was a robot on the pavement.

That was just a smashed Gameboy and an old Hoover.

We all went to university with him.

In fact, he's standing right there now.

Look.

Sam, can you come here a second, please?

What for?

She thinks you're an actual robot, mate.

When I'm in character I am a robot.

Oh, drop me out. No, he's not.

He's not.

Look, Tilly, I'm really sorry, but it's over.

Fine.

Of course, you know you're only doing this because you're

basically just insecure.

I'm insecure, so don't let me keep you.

Oh no, I'm staying here.

Why would you want to stay?

What, what, what's this?

So Pete's waiting for his moment with Chloe.

And Tilly doesn't look

like she's taking the breakup very well... might be tricky.

Chloe, can I have a word?

Everyone, everyone.

So, firstly, I'd just like to thank you all for being here

and sharing in the fairytale that

is mine and Rob's relationship

Anna, I just need to go to the toilet.

OK, I won't wait.

Please don't.

He's been in there 10 minutes.

Another five and Anna should have stopped talking.

Pete, open up, let me in.

No, go next door.

No, it's out of order, come on.

It's coming, big!

Awright-a.

All right, man.

Oh, thanks, bruh.

Oh, fruit, eh?

You'll always end up paying, one way or another.

Remember, I'm still here. Ah, I know.

We're like Carrie and Samantha in "Sex and the City,"

having a girlie chat.

Ah.

Oh god.

That would be the kiwi fruit.

I should have chucked those out, eh?

Thanks, Pete.

Oh goodness, that one's barely been digested at all.

Did I just hear that right?

Are you actually telling me this?

Oh no, it looks like Anna's found

out about Rob's shenanigans.

I knew he'd crack eventually.

I know I said I didn't want there

to be any secrets between us, but never

in my worst nightmares did I think I'd hear this.

I am so sorry, Anna.

Anna, it was just a fling, with a girl that he's

never going to see again.

Pete.

You had sex with another woman?

So, what were you speaking about?

Rob was telling Anna it was him that dented the bin.

Was he?

You outside now.

I Didn't realize it.

Who gets that upset about a dented bin?

So that's the second relationship

you've broken up tonight.

Yeah, what was the first one?

Us.

Sorry.

I'm going to make a move.

Pete, wait.

Yes,.

You said you wanted to have a word earlier.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Chloe, Chloe.

Yeah?

Now that we're both free, do you think there's any chance

that maybe you and I could

You're kidding me.

What?

I'm right here.

I know.

Uh-huh.

Chloe, as I was saying, do you think there's any chance that

maybe you and I...

Chloe. Uh oh.

I'm so sorry.

I've been an idiot.

I've quit my job.

No more trips to the Arctic or..

We're having a conversation here, yeah?

Chloe, will you marry me?

What?

Come on, let's just do it.

Ah, all right.

You're not the only ones in love.

You two aren't, yeah.

Tilly, will you marry me?

- What? - Yeah, I think I'm ready, babe.

Are you insane?

You can talk.

Have a think about it, yeah.

Anyway, right, champagne all around, little champagne

bubbles for everyone. Double celebration.

Anyone.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

A terrifying thought perhaps for any fish watching.

But as a heartbroken Pete cries into the dregs

of a warm red wine, just time to say,

join us again soon for "Pete Versus Life."

Good night.