Original subtitles

Welcome.

And you're joining us with our socially inept

young sportswriter cleaning up the kitchen...

Quite a rare occurrence, Terry.

What on earth's going on?

Well, he's got his ex-girlfriend,

Chloe, coming round tonight.

He's back with her again.

They've been taking things slow.

But I think tonight's the night, Colin.

Well, he must be keen, because against every instinct

and every sinew of his body, he's gone out

and bought a scented candle.

Oh, dear.

- Hey, don't take that down. - I'm sorry, Manfred.

I'm not having a girl come over and think I like Simply Red.

There is nothing wrong with Simply Red.

Back in Zimbabwe, they were the only thing that kept me sane.

It was like Mick Hucknall was the only one who

really understood us, you know?

Plus, all other music was banned.

Well, you're in Britain now.

And everyone in Britain thinks he's shit.

I'm sorry, Manfred, but there's no nice way of saying it.

All right, Dad?

Hello, Peter.

May I come in?

Uh, yeah, all right.

Oh, Frank.

How's it, broo?

Is mom not with you?

Uh, no.

Um, your mother and I are having a bit

of a break from each other.

What?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Well, I think you're doing the right thing, Frank.

It's like my uncle and auntie back in Zimbabwe.

Things weren't right, so he took some time out

and came back to the relationship

with his batteries fully charged.

Unfortunately, though, he found my auntie

having a three-way with two of the farmhands

and killed himself.

Manfred, would you mind?

So is it all right if I stay here for a bit?

Uh...

If that's all right.

Wouldn't you be happier in a hotel,

a nice little cheap one like the ones

that Lenny Henry advertises?

Those sort of prices are only available

online, months in advance.

All right.

All right. - Yeah.

Thanks.

Now that suitcase looks heavy.

- He could be here for a while. - Yeah.

Frank's outmaneuvered him there... extra experience.

Pot of tea?

Oh, yes please.

So what happened?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Of course it does.

Oh, I don't want to be rude about your mother.

But let's just say she's a lot more deceitful than I thought.

And I don't feel I can trust her anymore.

What?

Is there...

Peter, if you don't mind, I'm feeling hurt and humiliated.

And I really don't want to talk about it.

God.

Oh, this milk's off! - Oh, don't worry about that.

No.

I should... I'm gonna go sort this milk out, all right?

Hi, Chloe.

It's Pete.

Listen, I'm really, really, really, sorry,

but I can't do tonight because my dad's just turned up.

That is a terrible message for a young man to have to leave.

Especially one with his testosterone levels.

Hello.

I bought this milk this morning, and it's seems to be off.

Can't be mine.

It is, mate.

I bought it literally two hours ago.

Give it here.

No, mate. It's not off.

Look.

Doesn't matter what the sell-by date is.

Give it a little smell.

Just give it a little smell.

Smells all right to me.

What do you think, Andy?

Oh, it's fine.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Look, it's off.

And it's no wonder it's off.

Look, you got all your milk stacked up against there.

Why don't you take some of your Cokes

out your fridge to make room for some of your milk.

Well, take me cans of Coke out?

Get out of here.

Look, this is nuts.

It's bad enough I've got to pay one pound 40 for it.

Well that's convenience, isn't it?

I mean, this is a friendly, local shop.

Oh, yeah.

No, it is a lovely shopping experience... two CCTV cameras

and a drunk Irish bloke.

It's nice.

Hey, hey.

Yeah, well I need the cameras.

People keep trying to stab me.

Maybe people would stop trying to stab

you if your milk wasn't off.

Look, I'll just have a new milk, please.

Help yourself. One pound 40.

You're joking, yeah?

- No. - Right.

That's it.

I'm withdrawing my costume. - Eh?

Yeah, you've heard.

From now on, I'll be buying my overpriced bits and bobs

elsewhere, thank you very much.

So you can take your off milk and stick it up your ass.

Hey, steady on.

Well, Pete couldn't

face a night in with his dad even though there's

an "England Friendly" on.

So he's ordered some cheap margaritas

to inject a sense of fun.

I don't know why you three young fellows

are hanging around with an old man like me.

Doesn't seem to have worked though, Colin.

This bar is full of top class birds.

Do you still say birds?

Dad, uh...

I prefer to say women.

It's more respectful.

Or punanny.

When I was your age, I was up there, having a crack,

giving it all that.

When you get to my age and look back,

the only things you regret are the things you never did.

Well, you don't need to worry about your son.

He's always doing things he regrets.

No I'm not.

Well, you should.

So what's the classiest punanny you've ever pulled?

Oh, well, that would have to be Noreen.

Oh, well done, Manfred. Nice one, mate.

Oh, Noreen, what happened to us?

I'll tell you what I saw the other day,

was loads of clips of people on level crossings,

just being missed by trains.

Very funny, hilarious.

Yeah, that's exactly what I feel like,

like I've been hit by a train. - No, no, no.

My thing was people getting missed by trains.

So it's different.

Yeah, marriage is a lot like a train.

But there was no advance warning when my train hit trouble.

Somebody just dropped a breeze block off a bridge

and killed the driver.

Sorry.

It's all right.

It's OK.

Oh, this is really important.

I've got to take this.

Sorry.

- Hello? - Hi, Pete.

My parents have gone to a party and they're

supposed to be coming home, but they're staying the night.

Can you come over? - Yes.

Yep, yep.

Definitely yes, I can.

Yeah, that's no problem. - Cool!

Bye.

All right, Chloe.

This will require

the utmost tact and diplomacy.

It's all right, Frank.

Look, Pete's coming back.

Lads, I've got to shoo off.

- What? - No, that was Chloe.

There's some sort of emergency.

I have to go over.

A family-related emergency?

Yeah.

You'll be all right, won't you, dad?

I don't know.

I hope so. - That's it.

Well, you're in good hands. OK, boys.

I'll see you later.

You've got to be kidding!

- No! - Come on, Frank.

Let it all out.

Just don't touch me.

I'm going to fuck your brains out.

Hello, Jen.

I didn't know you were here.

Peter.

Oh hi, Pete.

Didn't you get my text.

No.

Oh.

Oh, there it is.

So while we ride out this awkward pause,

let's have a look at Chloe's parents.

Right, well there's Jen, who once dated

Robert Peston, BBC business editor.

And Mike, a consultant surgeon who'd

prefer his daughter to be dating someone who can

swim further than 10 meters.

Oh, but I think he's about to say something.

So you decided not to stay at the party, then?

It turned out our host was the director of a rather

large fish canning company.

Um.

So I think you can see our dilemma.

Yeah.

I mean, who wants to eat tin fish at a party?

No, that wasn't the problem.

He is complicit in the unsustainable overfishing

of the world's fish stocks.

And that's why you left?

Yes.

I'd have done that, too.

So, Chloe said you're back together.

That's very, um...

Yeah.

It is, isn't it?

So how did you two hook up again?

Um, well, we bumped into each other

at an Eva Cassidy tribute concert.

Bumped into isn't totally accurate, is it, Terry?

No, he's been keeping an eye on her

through Facebook for some months,

saw she was going to an Eva Cassidy tribute concert,

and engineered bumping into her.

Yes, but on the downside, he did have to buy

three Eva Cassidy albums.

And on top of the, , it's like a knife in the guts.

Are you sure this is all right?

Yeah. Honestly, it's fine.

My parents are really cool.

All right, then.

Ahem!

Uh, maybe we should just get some sleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Night!

Night.

Yes, and if we look

at the thickness of that wall...

Yeah, you don't

want to be having sex with a lass

when you're literally five inches

away from her dad's head.

No, you do not.

Well observed, Terry.

Well, here we are an hour later.

Pete struggled to get to sleep, then luckily

remembered the England game highlights

would be on the computer.

Yeah, England already fading

a lot against the depleted Bulgarians.

Yes.

Get stuck in.

Pete, stop it.

Not much longer.

Oh, Chloe, look at that.

Look at that.

God, have some of that!

Eat!

Eat!

In it goes!

Stop it, Pete.

I've had enough.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Yes!

Back at the net.

Good morning!

Morning!

Hmph.

What would you like for breakfast?

Oh, anything.

Anything at all. I'm easy.

I don't think so.

Mind you, we did have our five-year-old niece

staying recently.

Well, it might be worth a look, then.

Sleep well, Mike? - Listen.

I heard everything that went on with you and Chloe in her room

last night. - What you talking about?

We didn't do anything.

Do not treat me like a fool. I heard.

Eat it.

In it goes.

Back at the net. - Oh!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was watching the football match on Chloe's laptop.

I had earphones on. - Oh, come on.

Even you can do better than that.

No, no.

That... that is true.

Look! Look, it's there.

Look, we won seven nil.

Oh.

Well, that would actually make sense.

Sorry.

I'm afraid all I've got is organic oatmeal.

I'll do my best with it.

Don't worry, Mike.

We all make mistakes.

That's so funny.

What's going on in here, then?

Your dad thought I was forcing you to have rough sex.

Which I would never do.

In fact, when we were going out before,

we just did straight up and down vanilla sex, nothing

fancy, which was lovely.

Right.

Shall we just have breakfast?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh lovely.

That's really nice.

Sorry about that.

Probably made it a little bit more awkward than I needed to.

Don't worry.

It was Mike's fault.

Yeah.

But, maybe you could make a bit more of an effort with him.

Um.

No, absolutely.

Yeah, I will.

Or, I could just try and avoid him as much as possible.

I know!

He's got a shelving unit he's gonna need a hand putting up.

Maybe you could help him with that!

Yeah! Yeah, no.

Yeah, I... or, I could just try and really keep out of his way.

Oh, thanks Pete.

I'll tell him you're up for it.

You know, if he really got to know you,

I'm sure he'd love you as much as I do.

Well, she's tossed it in there, the L word.

Lesbian?

No, love, Terry.

And that's the first time a girl has ever said she loves him.

That's right.

If we look at his previous best, you

can see Nicola said, "You're good at drinking," which Pete

took as a compliment, but it was actually

the reason they broke up.

But as Pete heads home, he's in the mood for a celebration.

He's going to lie on his bed with his computer

and crack open Tour of Duty 3.

- I - wondered what you were going

to say there for a moment, Col.

Ah!

Dad!

Peter.

Oh, Frank.

What have you done?

Well, it's a shame Pete didn't get much kip

last night, because after witnessing that, he's got

a few sleepless nights to come.

And Pete's trying to come to terms with what he's just seen.

It's the most shocking thing he's witnessed since a trip

to the zoo where he saw a lady milking a bat.

I'm sorry about that, Peter.

It was just a one-off.

It was a mistake.

Ah, so you did sleep with her.

Well, of course. What do you think happened?

I don't know.

I thought there must be some other explanation.

Listen. Please don't tell your mother.

Oh yeah.

That's a conversation I really want to have.

Aside from anything, how'd you manage that?

She's... she's quite attractive.

Oh, thanks very much.

- Why'd you do it? - I don't know.

Probably just trying to get back at your mother

for what she's done. - What has she done?

Well, you know that bloke from Curry she met at line dance?

Oh, my god. She...

I don't really want to talk about it.

I'm not ready.

Hello.

You must be Frank's son.

Yeah.

This is Peter.

Peter, this is Kiki.

Well, thank you for last night, Frank.

Um, by the way, do you have that hundred pounds?

Pete's certainly run errands for his dad before,

but this is a first, isn't it, Terry?

He's got to pay at the post, and gone for chips,

but this is the first time he's been

sent out to pick up the money to pay for a prostitute.

Yep.

Can't use the cash machine in that boycotted shop.

Oh, good.

Uh, Kiki's got a 10:30 to get to.

Thanks.

Well, my cab's here.

People to see, things to do.

No rest for the wicked, eh?

Yeah.

I'll see you out.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Well, here we are at the scene of the crime.

And it takes something like this to get

Pete to change his sheets.

Yes, it's been a good six months.

And then, he only reversed them.

And that phone?

I'd say that was Kiki's.

Yeah, got to be.

Hello?

Hello?

Is Kiki there, please?

No, she's not.

And get a girlfriend, you pervert.

So Pete round at Chloe's house,

and it looks like he's helping to put up a cupboard, Terry.

Uh, yeah.

And Mike, a very precise man, a surgeon,

he likes things just so.

Yeah.

If we look at Pete's last bit of DIY,

he couldn't even be bothered to get another brick

to make that level.

But so far, it must be said they seem to be getting on.

Yeah.

Can you pass me the Philips screwdriver, please, Pete?

Certainly.

Good choice. - Oh, Pete.

The phone in your jacket was going,

so I answered it... Someone called Kiki.

Oh, this could be trouble.

She didn't say anything about what she did, or...

No.

- That's good. - Why?

What does she do?

Eh, he's talked himself into that one.

She's not a whore.

What?

She just slept with my dad.

I thought your parents were still married.

They are, but they're on a bit of a break.

Yeah, well it happens.

Indeed it does.

Oh, so have you had a bit of a break in the past, then?

What do you mean?

Oh, it's just the way you were speaking just now.

No. No.

Since we were married, there's never been anyone else.

All right. OK.

Still, you can only really speak for yourself, couldn't you.

Pardon?

Well, you never know, especially

given how good-looking Jen is.

What?

Oh, you're all right, but she she's properly good-looking.

- Can we get on, please? - Oh no, no.

I'm not... I'm not saying...

I'm just saying it was a surprise

when it happened to my dad.

But she must have had hundreds more chances than him.

- Can we? - Yeah.

Oh, now you've made me forget the...

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Pete, calm down. Come here.

I need you to focus.

I've just dislocated my knee.

And I need you to pop it back in.

It's easy.

Just do what I say.

Can't Jen just do it?

No.

It has to be someone strong.

Now, you need to gently rotate the lower leg back 90 degrees.

Which direction?

So it's in line with the rest of the leg!

Now, I need you to grip the ankle,

and pull it slowly, but forcefully, towards you...

Away from me.

Are you sure you don't just want to wait for an ambulance?

Oh, do it!

Just jerk it!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Is everything all right in here?

- Mike! - Oh.

Oh, my fucking leg!

Oh!

Ah!

Looks like Mike's going into shock there.

I'll go and get a bowl.

Ah!

My leg.

But life goes on.

And Pete's trying to get rid of that prostitute's phone.

Yeah, he's dialed the home number he's found on it.

Well, looks like he's got the answering machine.

Hello.

It's Pete here, the son of your most recent trick.

Actually, do high class prostitutes say trick?

Maybe you say client. I don't know.

Good point.

What is the difference between a high class prostitute

and a normal prostitute, Terry?

Well, usually about 50 quid and an STD.

Oh.

- Hi Pete. - Hi.

How is he?

Yeah, he's OK.

We managed to get his knee back in his socket eventually.

And they say he'll be almost completely

better in four to six months.

Oh, that is good.

I'm so sorry. - It's not your fault.

Oh, so he hasn't put you off me?

Of course not.

Could have happened to anyone.

Oh, good.

Oh, good, because I...

I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again.

Oh, Pete.

No, I don't.

No, it's true.

Aw.

I have to say, though, if we don't have sex soon,

my balls are going to explode.

Ahem.

Oh, hello, Jen.

Peter.

How are you?

Fine.

Oh, good.

Do I look all right?

Mum doesn't care what you look like.

Oh, there she is.

You're looking well, Noreen. - Frank.

Hi, mum. Sit down, yeah.

Come on. Pop yourself down.

That's it.

Should we, uh... Should we get started?

I think we all agree that we need to get him back where he

belongs, which is your house.

Now, he promises not to bear any grudges, don't you?

Because mum, you know, people have affairs.

I am not having an affair!

What's got into you?

Of course your mum's not having an affair.

Neither of us would ever do that.

You said mom was deceitful, and you couldn't trust her.

- I did not say that. - It's a direct quote.

And what about that broke you met at line

dancing that works at Curry's.

Derek?

I'm certainly not having an affair.

The reason your father left was because I

ordered a new fridge through Derek without telling him.

That's what this is has all been about...

Not a suburban lethario, but a freestanding fridge freezer.

And I wonder how many cans of Cola

the man from the corner shop could get in that?

He might even be able to squeeze some milk in.

I think you owe mum an apology, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, of course, you're right.

Look, Noreen.

I'm really sorry.

I went a bit over the top about you buying that fridge.

I was completely in the wrong.

But you've got to understand, it was quite a shock.

I mean, 900 pounds, Noreen.

You can get a perfectly good fridge freezer for 250.

Not with an ice dispenser.

What's so hard about filling an ice tray?

Oh. I

Mean, all it takes is a bit of planning.

All right, dad. All right.

All right. Leave it, yeah?

The important thing is, you're apologizing to mum now,

aren't you?

Yes, of course.

Will she defrost?

She took him back.

Whee!

So is it still all right if I come over tonight?

Oh, that's brilliant, Chloe.

I am going to fuck you until the bed breaks.

Hello, mum.

Just some telephone banking.

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Pete.

Oh, no.

What?

I haven't got any condoms.

Oh, well don't worry.

We'll just have a cuddle.

I'll be five minutes.

Just stay here.

Pete, ruing as he's never rued before,

his decision to shun his local corner shop.

Oh, but what's this?

I think he might be going back on his boycott.

Oh, he about self-disciplined

there as he is a home with a packet of Jaffa Cakes, man.

Terry said that, ,, not me.

Can I have a packet of condoms, please?

Eh, it's our friend with the off milk, eh?

Sorry about that.

Could I have some condoms, please?

Surprised to see you.

I thought you were withdrawing custome.

Well, it was the heat of the moment.

And I hadn't had my cup of tea.

Yeah, what else did you say?

What?

You can take your pint of milk,

and stick it up your arse.

What?

No, I didn't.

Two CCTV cameras, and a drunk Irishman.

You've got a really good memory for somebody

who starts drinking at 9:00 AM.

Haha!

Can I have my condoms, please?

So you're re-instating your custome, then?

Yeah, if that's all right.

Yeah, that's 8.99, please.

What?

You're joking, mate.

Or you can always try the Little.

- Yep. - But they might be closed.

Eh.

All right!

Thief!

And a, uh, drop of milk for our friend?

Keep your change, yeah?

Good lad.

Oh, dear.

Now, in anybody's book that's a tremendous shame.

Well, it's eight hours later, and Pete's

not known for his patience.

Mm.

Oh, sorry.

Did I wake you up?

No.

I, um...

I bought those things, by the way.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Dad!

What you doing?

Sorry.

Sorry, son.

Hi, Frank.

Hello.

Nice.

I'm sorry.

I just came back for the rest of my stuff.

OK, well let's be as quick as we can.

Uh, yeah.

Your mom won't be back for about half an hour.

Half an hour?

Yeah, she just popped down to the shops.

I gave her my debit card.

Oh, hello Frank.

Oh, hello Chloe.

Sorry about the... oh, I would make you a cup of tea,

but I'm afraid the milk appears to be off.

Oh, not again.

Why don't I go and get some?

Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Chloe. - Thanks.

- Thank you. - Bye.

In the words of the great Stevie Wonder,

isn't she lovely?

So, is everything all right with mum?

Oh, yes, very much so.

In fact, last night, for the first time in God

knows how long, your mom and I...

Oh, I don't want to know about that!

Thank you very much.

...managed to talk.

Oh.

Oh, that might be her now.

Sorry to hear Frank's going.

Yeah.

It's a real hammer blow, actually.

So is he here?

Yeah, in there.

Oh.

What the bloody hell were you thinking?

Huh? I don't know what you mean.

Leaving a message on my answer phone,

calling me a high class prostitute.

You are a high class prostitute.

What?

Why would you think Kiki's a prostitute?

Because she's called Kiki, and she slept with you.

And you gave her 100 quid.

That was a loan.

She'd lost her purse.

Thank you for that, Frank.

So, Kiki, I expect you've got lots of things

to be getting on with.

My dad heard that message.

And that's aside from whatever the hell you

told my boss when he phoned.

Yep.

Called him a pervert.

I'm very sorry.

But you can how it happened.

I mean, you're definitely good-looking enough

to be a high class prostitute. - I don't know...

I mean, not high class, but you know, definitely

make a living out of it.

No, you're definitely high class prostitute material.

Who's a high class prostitute?

Hello, mum.

Your mum?

Uh, yeah.

My wife.

Yes.

I'm a prostitute.

And I've been here to visit one of my favorite clients.

Oh my goodness me.

Pete.

Isn't that right, Pete?

Yeah, that is right.

Yeah.

We've got a regular understanding.

Oh my god.

Oh, he's taken one for the team.

So how much did we say?

Oh, yeah.

Uh... 12, 12 quid? - Perfect.

I do give a bit of a discount, because he's such a regular.

Until next time, then, which is tomorrow at 3:30 I believe,

huh? - OK, yeah.

- Thanks. - Oh, hi.

Who was that?

She was a whore, Chloe, a whore!

And she's been with Peter.

What?

She's not a prostitute.

She's a businesswoman.

And I've got nothing to do with it, all right?

Then why was she here?

And why did she say she was a prostitute?

And why did you just pay her 12 pounds?

All good questions.

Come on, Pete!

You're right.

She is a prostitute, and I have been sleeping with her.

What is the matter with you?

Chloe!

You whoremonger.

Thanks, son.

Chloe!

Chloe, wait!

Listen to me!

It wasn't me who slept with her.

It was dad who slept with her.

And she's not even a prostitute.

Oh come on, Pete.

No, seriously.

You have to believe me. Here he is.

Look, dad. Tell her.

Tell her the truth.

Tell her it was you that slept with her.

Will Frank repay the favor?

I'm sorry, Peter.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, no he won't!

Goodbye, Pete.

But Chloe...

Oh, it's all over.

And as a rather gloomy Pete makes himself a consolation cup

of tea, the final indignity... That milk that Chloe got

is once again off.

Aye, and Manfred

didn't waste any time getting his Mick

Hucknall poster back up.

I don't know about you, Terry, but I think Mick

Hucknall is losing his looks.

Well, that's it from us.

Join us again next time when Pete takes on life.