Original subtitles

Welcome.

And you join us with Pete applying

for a job as a dog walker.

A bit of a come down from a sports journalist, tell.

Well, I know Des Lynam used to supplement his income

by stealing copper wiring from the railway lines

during the football offseason.

Ah, no wonder he could walk away from "Countdown."

I'm not quite as fit as I was, am I, Glynn?

Well, I don't know, I think you still look very sprightly.

Thank you.

You know, relatively.

But gone are the days when I used to play

golf with Glynn twice a week.

Really?

He was very good.

He had a nine handicap.

I bet he can give it a right good old whack.

Not this Glynn.

Glynn was my husband.

You thought my dog played golf.

No, I I could just

see he's an extraordinary dog.

And if any dog was capable of playing golf, it would be him.

Did you hear that, Glynn?

Isn't he nice?

So, have I got the job?

We'll let you know.

All right.

Well, while Pete's waiting for Glynn's decision,

he's paying a visit to his mom and dad.

Yeah, two weeks ago Noreen dislocated

a shoulder line dancing. - Ow.

This is Pete's first visit since the incident.

I mean, that's pretty shoddy, considering

he spent most of last week just watching a box set of "Nick

Hancock's Football Nightmares."

Yeah, I bet my football nightmare

won't be on there, Colin. - What's that?

Well, I got caught attacking Alex

Ferguson's car with a hammer.

Ooh.

Now, I'm going to make you a nice cup of tea.

Lovely.

Aren't you going to give your mom a hand?

I can manage.

Yeah.

But Mom, any chance of a little toasty?

Uh.

Thank you.

Oh, excuse.

Ah, hello, Gracja.

Oh, this is Peter, our son.

We've hired Gracja to help your mom around the house,

while she's incapacitated.

- Hello. - Hello.

How are you?

It's Gracja Jublovsky...

Polish and a student at art college.

Oh, I get cleaning things?

Absolutely.

Oh, Frank, it's your film?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, yes, that's mine.

It's Polish.

Yes, well, Kieslowski has always been

one of my favorite directors.

I've always been drawn to the East Europeans.

They've always been prepared to take on darker subject matter.

I always thought you were more of a Clint Eastwood man.

Well, I like some of Eastwood's work...

"Unforgiven," "Letters from Iwo Jima."

And the ones with the orangutan.

Here we are.

Hello, Mum.

Dad was just saying how much he likes

Eastern European filmmakers, because they're

not afraid to tackle the darker subject matter.

Yes.

But his favorite is "Midsummer Murders."

And he always says, how can one village have so many murders?

And I always laugh.

Noreen, please.

Excuse, I clean upstairs?

Yes.

Nice to meet.

Nice to meet you as well.

Oh, she's a lovely girl.

Pete, you should ask her out.

I mean, she must be a bit lonely, just over from Poland

and all that.

And she's a good Catholic girl.

How is that a recommendation?

Oh, you, you go?

Yeah.

It's shame.

Actually, me and my new flatmate

were going to have a party at our house.

And do you fancy it?

Do you want to come?

Thank you.

Oh, yes, would like to come.

That's good.

Frank, isn't that lovely?

Yeah, very good.

Oh, never play poker, Frank, because that's

what's known as a tell.

Oh, what a result. It looks like Pete's

got that dog-walking job.

Yeah, well, throwing a purple plastic pig

over his shoulder is not really fulfilling the walking part

of the job description, is it?

Oh my word, what's this?

He's heading straight for the A406.

Ken, Ken.

Oh, he's forgotten his name.

Glynn, Glynn.

This could bad, Terry.

Glynn!

Oh.

Oh no, he's gone.

Terry?

He's just gone.

It makes you realize how fleeting life is,

and that we should all be living every moment to the full.

I for one, at the earliest opportunity,

I'm going to get myself a full booba check-up.

The works... I don't care what it costs.

I think you speak for all of us, Colin.

Sorry, Mrs. Dobbs, Glynn's dead.

I know.

Really?

How?

A man from the RAF came, told me he'd

been sucked into a jet engine.

Oh, no.

No, not that Glynn...

The dog one.

Oh, no.

It's OK.

Oh, no.

So, where is Glynn?

He's in heaven.

No, I mean, where's his body?

All right, then.

Oh, this is going to be a tough one, Terry.

I couldn't find it.

But there can't not be a body.

Now, I think it's best now not to think

about these things, because he's in a better place now,

isn't he?

Yes.

OK, Mrs. Dobbs, I'm going to make a move now.

You know, it's because I'm so completely alone.

I'll miss him putting his head in my lap and saying,

don't worry, old girl, everything will be all right.

Sorry, which... yep, best not to know.

So now all I've got is Glynn.

What?

My goldfish.

Well, they're not exactly partying like it's 1999.

Yeah, more like it 1649, when infamous fun sponge

Oliver Cromwell ruled the land.

Well, there he is, as portrayed

by Richard Harris, who funnily enough did

know how to enjoy himself.

Oh, aye.

Well, this is shit, isn't it?

It's all right, mate.

Do you mind if I turn the telly on?

No, you can't turn the telly on.

There's going to be a party.

Well, the important thing is not to feel humiliated.

I don't.

But there's no one here, Pete.

It's like you've literally got no friends.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's all share a secret.

It'll be bonding.

I'll go first.

So I got a massive erection when I saw my grandmother's corpse.

Whoa, no one saw that one coming.

I'll go.

That was just a practice one, hey.

My real secret is that I have a funny middle name.

Oh, what is it?

Alan.

Well, Manfred is Pete's new flatmate.

He's taking over from Curt.

Manfred also hails from Zimbabwe.

His father wanted him out of the country, for safety reasons.

Yeah, plus he was getting on his dad's tits.

Peter, she says she's a friend of yours.

Hi.

Gracja.

Oh my god, you look amazing.

But I wouldn't want to show my mom, but it's really nice.

Thank you. I designed myself.

I did fashion course in college. - Oh, yeah.

I hope you don't mind, but this my friend.

No.

Yeah, yeah, the more the merrier Right, mate?

Right.

I had a bit of an upsetted day, actually.

This dog I was with ran into the road, got run over and died.

Why you care?

It's just dog.

Oh, Pete was expecting some sympathy there.

But these East Europeans are a no-nonsense bunch.

Well, 50 years of queuing up

for bread in a blizzard will do that to you.

Oh, hi.

It's Mick.

He's at art school too.

He's sculptor.

When I'm off my fucking tits.

As it happens, just about to do some..

Do you fancy a hit?

- Ah, no thank you. - What?

Why not?

Ah, I'm not really in the mood.

I thought this was supposed to be a party, not

a Boy Scouts meeting.

Oh, Pete not Boy Scout.

Are you Pete?

No.

No, I'd absolutely love to do some crack.

But the truth is I'm something else at the moment.

I don't really want to mix it, you know?

What was that, then?

Little bit of dope, or something?

Heroin.

Heroin?

You haven't got a wee bit for me, have you?

No, I do not.

How much?

A gram.

A gram?

Jesus, that was a bit risky, wasn't it?

Ah, I'm used to it, mate.

I'm just ah just coming down now, actually.

That's why I've got this glass of wine and this cracker.

You know, take the edge off.

Well, you need to

Tell me about it.

Actually, I'm might see if I can find a better cheese,

to liven up this cracker.

Fair enough.

Oh, heroin.

What is like?

Ah, it's a bit like a really nice warm bath

I like.

Actually, if I can't get hold of..

I just make do with the and the hot bath.

It actually works out cheaper.

I like you.

Snogged while sitting on a sausage

roll... the sort of thing that happened

at Freddie Mercury's parties.

Blow me.

Now we go upstairs.

Right-o.

Ah, Sonya.

This is my friend.

She always

I take home.

What?

No, just put her in a cab.

No, could drown in own vomit.

Mm-mm, not if you put her in the recovery position,

and give the driver an extra couple of quid.

Sorry, Pete.

But next time I, how you say, screw your brains.

Is that right?

Am I saying it right? Screw brains.

You're getting the gist across, yeah.

Ah, good.

Come on, Sonya.

Come on, let's get up now.

So a new day dawns, and look at the state of Pete.

It's a miracle he can walk.

Manfred, come here.

Someone's nicked our bloody boiler.

Oh Mind you, beautiful workmanship.

Look how those pipes have been braised off.

Must be one of them Poles from last night.

If it was an English bloke, we'd be knee deep in water.

It's a piece of art.

I'll call the filth.

Oh no, it's the door now.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dobbs.

Are you busy at the moment?

No.

No, you can come in if you want.

I was just wondering, is there any chance at all

that he might come back?

Is that Glynn the dog, or?

Yes.

Honestly, no.

I wish there was, but no.

But surely, if the price were right,

Glynn might somehow reappear.

I'm not saying the two things would be connected.

No.

No, you've got the wrong idea.

I'm just saying, perhaps if you

were to receive 1,000 pounds.

No.

Mrs Dobbs, this isn't a matter of money.

Glynn really is dead.

There's no need for you to decide straight away.

I'm just planting a seed.

Excuse me.

- Hello. - Hello, Pete.

Oh, hello, Gracja, how are you?

Your parents' house.

You come, I screw your brains.

Brilliant.

I'm just... I'm just with someone at the moment.

I can see you're busy.

Yeah.

I'll see myself out.

OK.

And what you do to me?

I'd really like to ah

- Bye - Bye.

Tell me.

I'd really like to come all over your tits.

Oh, Pete, I like.

Did you say something?

Hmm?

No.

Oh, that's a relief.

Pete? Hello?

Pete?

I'll see you in half an hour.

I think that's the most excited

Pete's ever been about a visit to his parents' house.

And Pete's off to a flyer, with his mom

and dad's cleaner, Gracja.

She looks like the feisty one, Colin.

You like?

Well, doing it mom and dad's

bedroom was the limit of sexual deviance for Pete,

so this could be a bridge too far.

I'm probably all right, you know?

We try.

OK, now I screw your brains.

Have a look at his face, Terry.

Frightened, yet aroused.

Much like Nick Clegg being interviewed by

Indeed, Terry, but no time to dwell.

Hooey, Gracja, I'm home.

Oh my word, it's a disaster.

Mom and Dad back early from the shops

And look at the effect that's had on Pete's genitals.

Yeah, similar to a puffer

fish when it's no longer frightened of a predator.

And Pete desperate to get out of there.

Aye.

Nobody likes getting caught by Mom and Dad handcuffed

to the bed.

Particularly Dad.

Come on, Pete.

He's dealing with a chance, as long as nobody

comes upstairs for a minute.

Just walking upstairs for a wiggle.

Oh no, that's just what he didn't want to hear.

I can hardly watch this, Colin.

Hello, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, Peter, I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, I just popped over to show Gracja

my under-14 football cup.

Oh, some very nimble footwork from Pete there...

Worthy of the great Maradona.

Yeah, before you became a big fat cheat.

It's no good.

It's no real silver.

- We should get going. - Don't you mind.

Let me take

Will you put that back for me?

Thanks.

Hmm, quick word, Pete.

You forgot these.

They're not mine.

Well, they certainly don't belong to me and your mother.

It wasn't my idea, Dad. She's wild.

Don't blame Gracja.

At least be a gentleman about it.

She's a freak, man.

She's up for anything.

Oh, come off it That girl, Gracja, up for anything?

Yes.

No, no, I won't have it.

Gracja, up for anything?

Gracja?

Yes.

Can I have those back?

Ah, no.

I'm busy next days.

Has graduation show.

But you come to show, and after I screw your brains.

As promised I'll um, you know, on your tits.

Oh, I like.

Naughty boy. - Oh.

Oh, and look at Frank.

Yeah.

It's a terrible thing... Like a footballer that

can no longer play the game.

So we pick it up with Pete

going back to Mrs. Dobbs's his house,

with what looks like Glynn.

Ah, it's not Gynn, it's Larry.

Pete's taken the bold step of buying

her a new, almost identical dog, from a rather scary farmer.

The farmer, , and he would

just assume shoot the dog.

Well, sounds brutal.

But in their culture shooting a dog quite normal,

so let us not judge them.

Peter.

Hi, Mrs. Dobbs.

I know how upset you've been about losing Glynn.

So I've taken the liberty of getting you a completely

new dog, just like him.

He's called Larry.

Glynn!

Oh, you brought Glynn back.

Oh, if only Glynn were here to see this.

No, this isn't Glynn.

I missed you so much.

No.

No, Mrs. Dobbs, this isn't Glynn.

It's a completely different, new dog.

Oh, have you missed me?

Have you?

Oh, yes you have.

Mrs. Dobbs, you've got it wrong.

I missed you so much.

No, no, this isn't Glynn.

It just looks like Glynn.

Now, did we say 1,000 pounds?

What?

Didn't we say 1,000 pounds, for Glynn's safe return?

Um.

Take it.

This is now a character-defining moment

for Pete.

Well, I suppose it wouldn't do...

Wait a minute, this isn't Glynn.

This isn't my dog.

Well, that's exactly what I've been trying to tell you.

Where's Glynn?

What have you done with Glynn?

I haven't got Glynn.

Glynn died.

Impostor.

- Come on, Larry. - Peter Griffiths?

Yeah.

Is that our boiler?

But I wasn't.

I was bringing it back to you

All right, all right.

Is this true?

Gracja said it was OK.

Remember Gracja?

Enough.

No, it's true.

He's telling the truth.

Here you go.

Well, I'll leave him out there, then.

Five alpha.

What'd you nick my boiler for?

You know what it's like when you need a hit.

You'd nick anything, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but... if you need money and you're really

good at plumbing, why don't you just do some plumbing?

I've had a belly full of it.

The boiler keeps The water's not coming

on when it's in holiday mode.

I'm sick of them all.

I'm an artist.

And when one of my giant sells,

I can make 60, 70 quid a piece.

I'm sure you can get that in an hour,

if you just do some plumbing.

Oh, you just don't get it, do you?

You're not the dog walker, are you?

No, what?

We had a report of a dog walker

called Pete Griffiths kidnapping a dog... a golden retriever.

I don't know, because I'm actually

severely allergic to dogs.

Get on.

Mrs. Dobbs.

Glynn. You found Glynn.

Oh no, Mrs. Dobbs, this isn't Glynn.

This is Larry, the replacement dog I bought.

Do you remember?

What's this naughty man been doing to you?

Can you confirm this is your dog?

Oh, yes.

No, it's because she's mad.

She calls everything Glynn.

He's naughty kidnapping you, wasn't he, Glynn?

I didn't kidnap...

Your dog got splattered.

If you want the body, it's a patch

of fur on the north circular.

Come with me.

Well, of all the things

I thought Pete might get a criminal record

for, kidnapping a dog only sixteenth on the list.

There it is, sandwiched between arson and murder.

Hang on a minute.

This isn't my dog.

This isn't Glynn.

See, I told you her dog was dead.

It would have been really quick.

Glynn wouldn't have felt a thing... probably not.

It's all right.

It's better, I know.

Yeah.

You must think me a silly, senile old woman.

Yeah.

At my age, I don't suppose it will be long before I

should be with Glynn anyway.

Sorry, which?

Oh, I suppose it doesn't matter, does it?

They're both dead.

Mind you, you've still got your lovely little goldfish,

haven't you?

No, Glynn passed on.

The cat got him.

Oh no, I'm really sorry to hear that.

I suppose the cat's called, um...

Keith

Keith

Oh my word, that's Glynn the dog.

I'd stake my career on it.

Terry, it's the happy ending we're all hoping for.

Glynn, it's really you this time.

Oh.

Hang on.

This is Glynn, isn't it?

Well, that's Larry.

His collar says Glynn. - Oh, yes.

Oh, Glynn, Glynn

Ow, you bloody dog.

What's your problem?

I mean, it's really nice to have you back.

Hi, Glynn.

It is.

Yeah, Glynn within his rights to be angry with Pete.

Very poor supervision skills from the Watford lad

in the park that time. - Well, that's right.

And if we take a look at the footage again,

we can see that what Pete thought was a patch of fur

was actually a flattened out bag of cement.

Page one mistake

Aye.

So will you be needing anyone to walk Glynn?

No?

Yes, you're great, aren't you, Larry?

Yes, you are.

We had a dog just like him back in Zimbabwe.

And he was just as cute as you are, wasn't he?

Yes.

But he killed a zebra, so we had to drown him.

Well, don't get too attached.

I'm going to stick him on eBay later.

Hello, Gracja.

I want your body, Pete.

Yeah, OK.

Thanks, Pete.

You saved my life.

That's all right.

I've always quite fancied being a model.

One of Gracja's models

had to drop out on short notice.

Been offered 50 quid cash to cut someone's hedge.

Well, it's wise to make money now,

because his degree's in drama.

And after show, I screw brains for only time.

Yes.

What do you mean only time?

I graduate.

I go home.

I fly in morning.

You're leaving, why?

Your economy is fucked.

Oh, the economy will pick up again.

It always does.

No.

But this one time tonight will be best scew of life.

Oh, OK.

And now please welcome the collection

of Gracja

You walk.

Well, here he comes, wearing

a kilt in Cavendish top.

And for anyone who missed it, that shirt says,

Priest munch penis big time.

Yeah, not one to wear

at a christening, Colin.

No, indeed.

Although, Pete managing to shake off those early nerves,

and really getting into his stride.

Peter.

Hiya, Mom.

I'm really sorry, Mom.

I have never been so embarassed in all my life.

What are you doing here anyway?

We came to support Gracja Well, Frank had Googled her

and found out about the show.

Yeah, well, I was Googling all sorts... not just Gracja.

Well, I didn't design the clothes, did I?

All I know is she was a nice girl before she met you.

Do you know, the other day, him and Gracja

were having sex in our room?

We didn't actually have time to have sex.

Well, you had time to put on a pair of handcuffs,

though, didn't you?

What else were you going to make her do?

What else?

What else?

Oh, Peter.

Certainly not the sort of thing I was doing at your age.

- Pete. - Hello, mate.

Sorry, we're just in the middle of something here.

I wouldn't ask if I had anywhere else to go,

but I couldn't top you up for scag, could I?

What are you talking about?

Have you got any herioin, you fucking dickhead?

Sorry, I'm just a bit... you know.

What's going on, Peter?

Nothing, nothing.

Why would I have any heroin?

Because you were off your fucking

tits on it the other night.

You use all the time.

- No, I don't. - You do.

You did a gram the other night.

You have to be hardcore to handle a hit like that.

No, I didn't.

Honest, Mom.

You were tripping out your skull, you wee fuck.

Oh, Peter.

Wait a sec, Pete.

I know you've got some winners.

I haven't got any. I haven't got any heroin.

Go off.

Kiss off, you bastard.

God, Jesus Christ, sorry about that.

Oh, Peter.

I knew it.

That's why you've been so listless

and unmotivated all these years.

I'm not on drugs, I'm just lazy.

No one is that lazy.

Look at these marks.

Oh, a dog bit me.

You know, that one that got run over.

You need to go cold turkey.

I'm not going cold turkey, because I'm not on drugs

You're coming on with us right now.

And we're going to barricade you in your room,

till you've got this evil need out of your system.

Fuck off.

Peter, you can cut that language out.

I have never taken heroin, all right?

There will be a lot of lies like that

over the next few days.

That's what they do.

Look, I've got things planned this evening.

So I'm going to go, all right?

See you later.

Can you undo these, please?

The keys are back home.

You're coming with us.

No, Dad, you don't understand.

It's Gracja's last night, and she's promised to...

No, Peter.

You'll thank us when you're off the smack.

Oh, hello, Noreen.

Sorry for show.

I expect it was Peter's fault.

So Pete, you ready to go?

I've just got a problem.

We just found out he is a long-standing substance abuser.

I know, he take heroin.

Oh, I say wrong thing.

Oh, there's no need to protect him now, Gracja.

Gracja, do you think that even like this

me and you could still

Goodbye, Pete.

Get well.

No need to get well, I'm fine.

Come on, come on, let's go.

Oh, dear.

And as Pete is dragged away by his dad, that image of Gracja

and what might have been will haunt him... if not

the rest of his life, certainly for the next five days,

while he's locked in his room trying

to shake off a non-existent heroin addiction.

Oh, he gets up to some tricks, doesn't he, Colin?

He does, he does.

Well, that's all we have time for.

Join us again next time, when once again Pete takes on life.