Original subtitles

This week on Pete Verses Life,

the semi-professional sports writer

faces a deadly combination of youth and experience.

The self-made millionaire Barry...

He does a lot of work for charity,

but he won't allow unions in the workplace.

Longstanding adversary Anna... as a child,

she sacked her imaginary friend, because she

was underperforming.

And mom and dad...

They once met Neil Diamond after a concert,

but found him dull and uninteresting.

Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.

Welcome.

I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry Mcllroy.

You join us with Pete about to watch the big game...

Flat screen TV, big sofa, free quality lager.

It's the dream scenario, Terry.

Well, it would be if Anna wasn't there,

but then, it is her flat.

But she's making an effort

to join in with the lads.

Let's see if she can keep it up.

Bunny, can you get Pete a coaster, please?

Oh!

No, she can't.

Oh, sorry, Anna.

Oh, by the way, you haven't got any crisps, have you?

No, but the radishes are delicious dipped

in a bit of natural yogurt.

Oh, no, you're all right thanks.

Yes, they're not the sort

of snacks a young lad wants when he's watching the footy.

But then, they are more for Anna's dad's benefit.

Two months ago Barry underwent a heart transplant,

and has been advised only to eat zero fat foods

and drink prescribed energy drinks.

- What's all the denim? - Oh.

Well, it's all I had clean.

Interesting fact about denim...

The cloth originally comes from a French town called Nim.

So you get denim...

Of Nim. - Really?

Yeah. De-Nim, you see?

Denim.

Oh, no, actually Barry, I think it's from Nimes.

What?

The cloth, I think it's from a town called Nimes.

It's down in the south somewhere.

I don't think so, Pete.

I mean, then you'd get De-neems, wouldn't you?

No, I'm not sure there is a "Nim."

Pete, here's that coaster you were after.

Blimey, the standard of education these days.

I'm an employer.

This is what I have to put up with.

Oh, it's halftime!

I'm off to the lour.

Nimes.

Bloody hell.

Well, the game over.

And as we can see from the Sulk O-Meter,

Pete's still quietly fuming about that De-Nim incident.

In fact, he's withdrawn into his iPhone.

Isn't technology marvelous, Terry.

Do you know, Colin, if someone had told me

when I was a lad, that one day with all our phones

we're taught and cats on, I'd have said he was mental

and called the funny farm.

Indeed.

Although, mental illness... not something we made light of.

No, no, exactly.

So her visa's run out.

It's the only way she can stay in the country.

Yeah, whatever, fine.

Really?

That's great, bro.

She'll be over the moon.

Sorry?

Who will be over the moon?

Minikin.

She'll be a UK citizen at last.

What she's always wanted.

Well, hang on a sec.

Can't wait to tell her someone's agreed to marry her.

What?

You got to be kidding.

I'm not marrying anyone.

But you just said.

It won't be for real.

It's a marriage of convenience.

I'm sorry, Kurt.

Forget it.

Look at this... It's a talking cat

It's a talking cat.

Go on, have a little go.

Go on, have a little go.

Whee!

I'll tell you what, since I've had this heart transplant,

I've had some really weird things happen.

I get a really strong sense of deja vu.

And I like different things, now.

I like shuba or spare ribs.

So what do you think's going on?

Well, I was looking it up on the internet.

Apparently it's quite common.

The thinking is, that the new heart brings with it some

of the memories of the donor.

That's amazing.

So uh, how would that work then?

Well in the past, the heart was considered

to be the receptacle of the emotions,

so maybe there's something in that.

Yeah, but now we know it's not, don't we?

It all comes from the brain.

Yeah, but how you know that? Who told you that?

Well, doctors and scientists.

Doctors and scientists don't know everything, do they?

I mean do you know how electricity works?

I certainly don't.

There's a whole world of things out there we don't understand.

Yeah, but I do know quite a lot, don't they?

And in all fairness, it was a doctor who

put your heart in, not a druid.

Oh, I see.

You're one of those.

One of what?

Closed off, narrow minded, can't see the big picture.

Well, that is one way of looking at it.

And the other one is, is that you're

on very heavy medication, and it's affecting your thinking.

Listen, son when you discover the mysteries of the universe,

give me a call. Till then, button it!

Calm down, daddy.

Yeah, well it's annoying, isn't it?

You get Muppets like this, with no spirituality

giving you all that. - No, no, I'm...

I'm just saying there might be other reasons for it.

Oh, I'm imagining it now, am I?

Don't tell me I'm imagining it, because I'm not!

Who would like a cup of coffee?

I'm not saying you're imagining it.

I'm just saying, you're pumped full of drugs,

and they probably stopped the blood

supply for a good five minutes.

You're not the best person to judge.

Oi!

You got a glass of water, love?

Oh, do you know what?

No I... no, there might be something in what

you're saying, actually. - Oh, it's hot.

Aw, should we just talk about something else?

God, that second goal was bit iffy, wasn't it?

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Somebody call an ambulance! - I'll do it!

Oh, bollocks I can't get the cat off!

Bollocks I can't get the cat off.

Well a truly appalling incident last night.

Ah, he's been going over it in his head,

and whichever way he cuts it, Colin, he's

a terrible, terrible person.

Kurt?

What you doing?

Just doing my isometric exercises.

What's that?

Using my body's own strength to strength it further.

It's like my body is its own gym.

All right, nice one.

Listen, uh, you know that whole marriage thing?

If that girl still wants someone to marry her, then I'll do it.

- Oh, Pete, that's fantastic. - All right, it's OK.

No, men do not embrace enough, you know?

Absolutely extraordinary.

Aye, normally Pete wouldn't give him

the skin off his rice pudding.

Stop it, now.

And last night's events with Barry,

also triggering this guilt ridden visit to his parents.

And this in stark contrast to his usual reasons

for dropping by.

He's seen that life can be fleeting,

and he's keen to improve his relationship

with his own mom and dad.

Pete!

What's are you doing here?

I just thought I'd pop by and see if you fancy

popping out for a bit of lunch.

Are you on drugs?

What?

You can tell us, if you are.

We saw a documentary on crystal meth.

- I've never had crystal meth. - Aha!

So you have had...

I've never had any drugs.

Not strictly true is it?

No, indeed, Colin.

If we take a look at the latest government figures,

we can see that Pete, with his occasional recreational use

of every two to three months, is exactly where it

should be for a lad of his age.

So well done, Pete.

And he's taking his parents to lunch

at Zorba's, a Greek restaurant as the name

suggests, but interestingly owned and run by Norwegians.

See?

I mean, this is brilliant.

I had no idea that my great grandfather

was run over by the first tractor in the northwest!

And I think I've already told you

that about half a dozen times.

Anyway, I'm just going to the, um, toilet.

Oh, so nice to see you.

Aw, well, we should be closer, you know?

I mean, who knows how long you two have got left?

I mean, not you.

Dad's more likely to stuff it first, isn't he?

Well, hopefully we both got a few years yet.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Well Pete's certainly making an effort

to improve his relationship with his parents,

but not being entirely selfless, is he Terry?

No, he popped into his mom and dad's house

earlier to charge up his iPhone.

He's never been one to pass up the chances

of free electricity.

Oh, going to have to stop you there, Terry.

Looks like Pete is quizzing his mom a bit too hard

on something.

Yeah, but she's your sister.

Why don't you see her anymore?

Just because you happen to be related to someone

doesn't necessarily mean you should

live in each other's pocket.

Yeah, but this is what it's all about, Mom.

Family's important.

Why don't you give her a call?

Oh, leave it, Pete.

What happened, anyway?

It's none of your business.

Oh, come on, tell me what happened.

If you must know, we haven't spoken for seven years,

because I was very upset about her divorce

and I called her a whore.

You called her a whore?

Yes.

All right.

It's all right, Mom.

Long time ago now.

- What's he said? - Nothing.

Did you know that Mom called Auntie Margaret a whore?

Well, let's hope Pete doesn't call anyone

a whore at these rather traditional-looking tearooms,

where he's about to meet his citizenship-seeking bride-to-be

Minikin.

And he's looking surprisingly jolly, Terry.

Well, he's just heard that Barry's doing a lot better,

and the doctors have said it wasn't a cardiac arrest,

it was a cardiac incident.

Well that is good news.

And here comes the bride.

Hello, Kurt.

Minikin, or should I say, Mrs. Pete Griffiths?

No.

I won't kiss you.

I've got a cold sore coming.

I'm just going to get some pieces of cake.

Isn't she great?

Yeah.

Look, Kurt, mate, I don't think I can go through with this.

What are you talking about?

You were fine five minutes ago.

Well, you know...

What?

I just thought she'd be a bit less dumpy.

Well, you can't pull out!

Pull out?

Is this because I'm Jewish?

What? No!

It is, isn't it?

It's because I'm a Jewess!

I didn't even know you were Jewish.

Oh, come off it.

What else could it be?

You took one look at me, and you join up all the dots,

didn't you?

You didn't tell me a friend was a racist.

I'm not a racist!

In fact, I can't even spot a Jewish person.

Oh, I suppose you'd like us all to..

Keep your voice down, will you?

You've got it all wrong. - I don't think so.

You're an anti-Semite.

It's not because you were a Jew!

Sorry.

Let's make this simple.

If my British residency is approved,

my father will give you a check for 1,000 pounds.

Does that help?

Actually it does, yeah.

Will you marry me?

Not the most romantic

proposal I've ever heard.

Oh, I don't know.

I once proposed to a woman as I was driving past.

Didn't even stop the car.

I think technically, that's a proposition, Terry.

Oh, that's the word.

So following in that proposal,

Pete has finally decided to visit Barry.

But, oh, what's this?

A very attractive nurse.

Now, Terry, is the uniform part of the attraction?

Well it's a very interesting question, Colin.

Depends on the nurse, but I think

we can see from this, if the nurse was wearing

a French maid's outfit, then Pete

would still be very attracted.

But interestingly, if she was dressed

as a professional business woman, or indeed a zoo keeper,

Pete would still be very much up for it.

Fascinating.

Pete.

Oh, hello, Anna.

How's your dad?

He's a lot better, I heard.

Yes, a bit.

That's good.

Oh, I bought you some... Some flowers and a card.

Are those from a proper florist?

Yeah.

They're not from a petrol station.

Oh, Pete.

That's sweet.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, hello, mate.

Um, I was going to call you.

Do you fancy a drink tonight?

Oh, yeah. Great.

That... That'll be all right, wouldn't it, Anna?

Because your dad's so much better.

Well, if you think that would be appropriate.

Maybe we should leave it till next week.

Bunny, coffee?

Daddy, got a visitor for you.

Oh, hi Barry, you're looking well.

What's that toilet doing here?

Oh, shall I just...

I'm joking!

Ah!

Very good!

No, I like the man who will stand his ground with me.

Say what he thinks is right.

Just the way I am, Barry.

I'll get a vase for these.

So, uh you feeling a lot better?

Yeah.

Doctors say, I'll be out in a couple of days.

- Ah, that's great, Barry. - Yeah.

I'll tell you what, though.

The weirdest thing happened to me in the ambulance on the way

here. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

When the paramedics were working on me,

it was as though I was above myself looking down.

I could see everything perfectly clearly.

Right, right.

It was as though my soul, or whatever you want to call it,

had left my body.

OK.

Yeah it was incredible.

I wasn't worried, or in pain.

It was all very serene.

I felt really peaceful. - Did you?

Did you?

Yeah, and there was this light,

and a man standing in it.

I'm not saying it was Jesus, but he had a beard

and was wearing robes, and...

Well, I'm not gay, but, oh, he was beautiful.

All right?

Yeah, I think they call them out of body experiences.

Have you heard of them before?

Yeah, I have.

Yeah.

So do you believe in them?

Yeah.

In fact, I saw a program on it recently.

It was really convincing.

Oh, so it's all been scientifically proven, then?

Well, according to this program on Channel 5, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Now to find out if there is any substance to what Barry has

been saying, I'd like to bring in Britain's

foremost medium, Derek Acorah from the Sky TV'S Real Lives.

And ask the big question, Derek, is there an afterlife?

Absolutely.

Well, good news there.

I think Pete has been handling this with great maturity.

Let's go back and see how he's getting on.

Cheers, Pete!

Oh, Quantum of a Solace.

Yeah.

What do you think of Daniel Craig as James Bond?

Well, he's shit, isn't he?

How do you mean?

Well, he's got no humor about him, has he?

I mean all the great Bonds, they had a spark of something

about them.

Yeah, well, that's because they've gone back to the books.

I mean Fleming's original Bond was a cold, ruthless killer.

Well, that's not Daniel Craig, is it?

I mean, have you seen him run?

He looks like a girl. No.

I think he's pathetic.

If they don't dump him soon, he's going to kill

off the whole franchise.

I think you're being a bit unfair, Pete.

Woo.

I mean, because, you know...

And Pete remembering much too late something

that Anna has told him several times, which is that Barry

part financed Layer Cake, the film that secured Daniel

the role of Double O Seven.

After which, Barry looked on Daniel as something of a son.

Daddy!

What happened?

We were just having a little chat, weren't we Barry?

Hey, what happened?

What?

Oh, it is not looking very good.

Don't worry, the best people are in there.

Your father will be fine.

Oh no, it he's not my father.

In fact, I've only met him a couple of times.

Oh. Well, how do you know him, then?

I don't really.

It's just that hospital can be a very lonely place, can't it?

That's the nicest thing I've heard all week.

You're a very kind person.

What about you?

You're a nurse with your uniform and that.

It's just something I've always wanted to do.

Me too.

Oh, are you a nurse?

No, I'm a sports writer.

But, I write about it very positively.

And I try to help people that way.

Well, that's what any of us can do.

And I honestly believe that God put us on this earth

to help our fellow man.

God?

Mhm.

I'm a devout Christian.

In fact, I nearly became a nun, but I like sex too much, so.

We should go for coffee sometime.

He seems less guilty about the heart attack this time.

Well, it's the second one, isn't it?

It's how serial killers function.

Possibly, Terry...

Bottle of house red, please.

...but it's hard to imagine

Peter Sutcliffe taking his mom and dad out for a nice mese.

Oi.

Don't want to hear nonsense, OK?

This is on me.

I'm paying.

No, Peter, I'll pay.

Oh, all right.

Oh, by the way, Peter, after what you said the other day,

I got in touch with Auntie Margaret.

Oh, that's great!

Yeah, going round to see her next week.

Brilliant.

So how about coming around to see me once in a while, eh?

We'd love to pop round.

Now, I must just pop to the, uh, toilet.

I must say, Peter your mom's absolutely delighted to be

back in touch with Margaret.

Well done, mate.

Thank you.

Actually, there's something I'd

quite like to get off my chest.

Back in the early 80s, when I was still a BT,

there was this office party.

There was this female colleague of mine, Mary.

It's all right, dad.

And we were working very closely together.

Seriously, it's all right.

No, no, it's important.

She took me into the disabled toilet,

and performed a sex act on me.

There she is.

Looks a little bit frumpy, but I expect 27 years ago,

that wasn't the case.

No, Colin, that is her 20-some years ago.

Oof.

Pete's big day finally here.

There they are, Pete and Kurt.

And Kurt, in a specially chosen suit, Terry.

Uh, yeah, taken from the colors of the national flag

of Zimbabwe.

What a lot of colors there are to choose from, Colin.

I have to stop you there, Terry, things are happening.

While there she is, also resplendent in the colors

of the national flag.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Well, you can see a face.

Laden in smoothly like a red dalek.

All right.

You look... should we get on?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the wedding

of Peter and Minikin.

The moment when a couple decide to formalize

the bond of their love is always very special.

I believe you've written some personal vows?

Oh, right, actually, I've written something for you.

Oh.

Minikin, my love for you suffocates me,

and yet I crave it like oxygen. When we are in union,

celebrating our love physically, I don't know where you end,

and I begin.

We are as one.

My love... that's enough, isn't it?

Minikin?

Your staff is like a mighty orc that

guides me through the dark.

But from the inside.

I am the mother ship, and you are the probe.

You return, emptying your precious cargo that you've been

building up during the week.

I think this is going to take a bit of time,

so while we're waiting, let's give

you some background on Minikin.

Minikin, of course, from Zimbabwe.

Although her family now live in South Africa, where her father

runs a baboon sanctuary.

Baboon numbers sadly been diminishing

for the past 50 years.

Well, I'm very surprised to hear that.

I would have thought baboons could look after themselves.

After what they did to my Jag at Woburn Safari Park.

They ripped the wipers off, man!

Going to have to stop you there, Terry.

Things are happening.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Well not exactly the wedding

of Prince Charles and Lady Di, but let's not

forget it was a sham marriage.

What, you mean Pete and Minikin, or Charles and Diana?

Oh, good point, Terry.

Do you remember where you were when you heard

the terrible news about Diana?

Oh, yeah, I do, Colin.

I was in a sauna in Camden.

And the manageress came in.

She was very distraught.

She was an oriental lady, so forgive the accent,

but she simply went, Lady dad dead!

Lady dad dead!

So there was no happy ending for anyone that night.

No, indeed, Terry.

How's it?

Just putting a few things around the place, you know.

Make it look convincing.

What are you talking about?

We've got to make it look good.

The immigration officer will be visiting at some point

within the next two weeks.

Why?

To check up on us.

Really?

You can get in a lot of trouble,

marrying to obtain citizenship.

Oh, well, you didn't bloody mention that before, did you,

thanks very much. That's fantastic.

Sorry.

Yeah, you didn't tell me you were shagging her, either.

Oh, hello, Minikin.

I heard that, you racist pig.

I'm not racist.

And if the gloves are coming off, any sign of my thousand

quid?

Don't worry, you'll get your pound of flesh.

Like Shylock, who was, in fact, Jewish.

So who's racist now?

Wow.

Things certainly going very well with Jenny, Pete's nurse.

I understand if you don't want to go any further.

Oh no, no, it's fine.

Why?

Well, you must be feeling terrible about Barry.

Oh, no, he's going to be all right, isn't he?

Oh, you haven't heard, have you?

He's had another heart attack today.

What?

Somebody gave him a get well soon card,

and it was a musical one.

And it played "Fuck the Police," by NWA.

Oh my god.

Yes, Pete bought a batch of cards

very cheaply at the car boot sale, that was seconds

from a gift card company, where a disgruntled employee had

put unsuitable musical chips into their products.

You see, that's still what's great about Britain, Colin.

If that was in America, he'd have

gone in with a semiautomatic weapon,

and shot all his colleagues.

It was touch and go for a while,

but they're pretty sure that he will be fine.

Oh, thank god for that.

Wow, it's really affected you, hasn't it?

Yeah, I... yeah.

Sometimes, I feel like I might be missing a layer of skin,

or something.

Look at her eyes.

He's cracked it, and he knows it.

And that's a very nice

snake-like shimmy up the bed.

Oh, Pete.

What's this?

You got married two days ago?

No, it's a marriage of convenience.

I had to marry her, otherwise she would have

been deported back to Africa.

Oh.

I spent a year nursing out in Ghana,

so I know what it's like out in Africa.

Right, yeah, It was terrible I expect.

So is she black?

Mm, African.

Oh, come here.

He got out of that one very smartly.

And now Jenny taking the initiative.

But, oh, what's this?

I can't.

Uh, why?

I just realized we were about to commit adultery.

Were?

This is my Christian beliefs.

No, it was a sham wedding.

We got married in a registry office.

I know.

Even so, I just need time to get my head around it.

But you don't mind if we just cuddle, do you?

No not all.

Oh, look at Pete, gutted, filleted like a fish,

sick as the proverbial.

Who's that?

That's my flatmate and his girlfriend.

Minikin... is he having sex with your wife?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, nice little cuddle.

Well, a sleepless night for Pete.

He's been in that position for seven hours,

and he's got quite a dead arm.

Aye, Colin, there's absolutely

no blood in there whatsoever.

Oh it's the nightmare scenario.

A woman with a clipboard.

That's not good news.

Wake up!

Wake!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Go and get dressed in the bathroom!

Why?

The immigration officer!

Oh, time is of the essence,

and he's only operating on one good arm.

Come on Pete!

Well, he's making a bit of a meal of it.

I mean, I once played 60 minutes with a broken neck.

Hello!

Oh, sorry, I was just Skyping.

Rosemary McKenzie from the immigration office.

May I come in?

Oh, yeah, OK.

Come, in you come.

Is the a shared house?

Uh, yes, yes it is.

So you're, uh, Rosemary MacKenzie

from the immigration office?

Yes.

Oh, would you like a cup of tea?

Come on through.

The milk in that tea could well be off,

but he's got bigger things to worry about than that.

So, do you have any photos of the big day?

Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.

Um, here we are.

Here we are.

Have to admit, got a bit emotional.

Oh, and here comes my lovely wife, now.

What's that stupid grin for, you racist?

Don't speak to me like that, you fat bitch.

We always joke around like this.

This is Rosemary from the immigration office.

She's come to check up on us.

Would you believe?

Come here!

Mm, you smell lovely.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, how's it?

Oh, sorry.

Didn't realize we had company.

Minikin, don't look.

Um, uh, this is Kurt, my flatmate.

Kurt, this is Rosemary from the immigration office.

Um, is your, um, girl friend still upstairs?

Hm?

Your girlfriend still upstairs?

Oh, right... oh, look, she's been in the bathroom

for a long time.

You know, I think she's taking a dump.

Oh, don't worry about that, by the way.

We'll give it a good wash, before we do any dishes.

You've dropped something.

Oh, woefully small pants.

Oh, here's your knickers, darling.

Oh, I've, uh, I've put on a bit of weight, lately.

You must understand that.

Pardon?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, good dump, darling?

Huh?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I'll go.

You must be Pete's wife?

No.

Oh, you haven't met, have you?

No, this is my wife, Minikin.

Ah, excuse me, uh, Pete had said his wife was black.

No, African, I said.

I'm a white, African Jewess.

I'll tell you what else you are, as well, you

are my little snuggle bunny.

Hello?

Mom, what were you doing here?

You left your phone charger behind the other day.

Ah, so that's what they wear back in Africa then,

is it?

Oh, sorry I didn't realize there was a, uh, a lady here.

Well thanks for bringing this back.

Uh, don't let us keep you, because the roads

can get a bit busy this time of day, can't they, Dad?

Yeah, we don't want to get, uh, caught in the traffic.

Do we? - Oh, right.

Oh, I don't think we've met.

No, don't think you have.

Anyway...

You haven't met?

Oh, how rude of me!

Sorry, no, this is, uh, Minikin, she's from Zimbabwe.

Oh.

Lovely to meet you.

Hello.

So are you two good friends?

Uh, yeah, yeah, pretty good.

Actually, mom, she's my wife.

What?

Yeah, we, uh, tied the old knot, didn't we, darling?

That's right!

When did this happen?

When was it?

Um, Saturday.

Why didn't you invite us?

Yes, why didn't you invite your own parents?

Because we wanted to keep it low key.

You know, just close friends, family.

We're your mom and dad.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah.

OK, the reason I didn't invite you, is because I hate you.

- What? - Peter!

Yeah, I hate you, because you called

my Auntie Margaret a whore.

That's private.

Yeah, whatever.

If I'd known you were going to turn out like this,

I'd have smothered you at birth.

I mean...

Come on, my love.

Day 40 you'll be chalk a block.

OK?

All happy, Rosemary?

Do you think we're stupid at the immigration office?

What? Why do you say that?

I'll be inviting you to a deportation hearing

within the next 14 days.

What?

Obviously none of this is genuine.

Well, you're not getting 1,000 pounds now, your racist pig.

You'll be hearing from us.

So you were getting paid for your so-called good deed?

It was only a grand.

You cropped a right bollock here, my friend.

May god forgive you, Pete Griffiths.

And to think I was going to gobble you off.

Oh, no, Jenny, wait.

No, wait, we can still make it work.

Well there it is.

Hard to think of a time when he's

destroyed so many relationships in such a short space of time.

That's it for tonight's.

Highlights, Terry?

Yeah, well I think it's got to be

one of the heart attacks, Colin, but which one, I don't know.

Well, let's see them back.

Yeah, yeah, definitely Casino Royale.

Well, that's it.

Good bye from us.

And join us again next time, when Pete takes on life.