Original subtitles

This week on "Pete Versus Life,"

the would-be sports scribe with the poor social skills

meets some truly terrifying opponents.

Ros, the only cougar to have slept

with a member of John Major's cabinet and Gareth Gates.

Anna, her favorite TV show is Sex and the City.

But she turns it off during the rude bits.

And Duncan, a high-flying banker who's can't

get to sleep at night unless he's sacked someone.

Let's see how he gets on in "Pete Versus Life."

Welcome, I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry Mcllroy.

And we join Pete at a Premier League Football Club.

Not for a game, but for a charity art auction.

The proceeds being split between a Clean Water Initiative

in Togo and a luxury players spa.

Actually, I'd like to take another one for my friend

who's coming in a bit.

That's prudent.

You never know when they're coming around again.

Pete now approaching a glass box full of sand.

It's called The Forest.

And it's expected to go for 50,000 pounds.

I'm seeing nothing.

Well, what do you think?

Uh, well, I think...

I think it is a very interesting comment on the ravaging

of Earth's resources.

I'm not the artist.

Oh, well in that case, it's a bit on the shit side, isn't it?

Oh, I like you.

I'm Ros.

I'm Pete.

Please don't let this put you off bidding.

Oh, I'm not bidding for anything.

I'm only here for the free food.

Oh, I love it when two worlds clash

like this, art and football.

Yeah, me too.

So which team do you play for?

I'm doing quite well with you, aren't I?

If I did play football, it would be West Ham.

I used to have such a crush on Geoff Hurst.

I remember... - Hang on.

You can remember Geoff Hurst?

I am 50.

You're 50?

Are you sure?

If you'd come back with me later I'll

show you my driving license.

Oh, that, to me, sounded like a clear, concrete offer

of sexual intercourse.

What's he going to do, Terry?

Well, until she mentioned her age,

he was definitely up for an experienced sort of woman

and all that.

But 50 might be a bridge too far.

Which way is he going to jump?

Let's find out.

Driving license, you say?

Well, maybe I could have a look to see if you

have any fixed penalties.

I've got dozens.

Promising.

I'm a very naughty girl.

Oh, that quite a house, eh, Terry?

Yeah, they had to knock down a 14th century

church to build that.

Oh, and I think that is a hand on the bum.

Yep, let's take a look at that again on..

There's the hand coming in.

Smack in the middle of the left cheek.

Oh, and now they're off.

I've never been home with a MILF before.

What's a MILF?

Doesn't matter.

Come on, tell me.

Well, it means, umm...

Oh, dear.

He's desperately trying to think of some other words that

might fit the acronym MILF.

Oh, dear.

He's a poor lad. There's nothing there.

Come on, Pete.

You can't shock me.

It stands for mother I'd like to fuck.

Technically, I could be a GILF...

Grandmother you'd like to fuck.

Really?

Don't move.

I'll be back in a second.

Oh, she's off to the bathroom.

And she's mentioned grandmother.

Doubt starting to creep in.

Crikey, Vitalize Senior Plus.

That is a first.

Pete's Granny used to do that when she

came to see you at Christmas.

And that, to me, sounded like dentures being

dropped into a glass of water.

Well, his imagination is

running away with him, Colin.

Yes, Pete now wondering exactly what is going

to come back through that door.

Oh, what a relief.

I'm going to fuck you into the middle of next week.

OK then.

The morning after the night before.

And it has to be said, he's loving

- this Hampstead lifestyle. - Nice.

He's just had a shower in a wet room large enough to was

down a race horse.

He's enjoying his breakfast in this fabulously equipped

kitchen.

State-of-the-art espresso maker, wine cooler,

best of all, Pete's favorites, Choc Boulders.

Ah, good morning.

Hello.

Don't mind me.

I'll just grab a quick coffee and get out of your hair.

OK.

I hope you don't mind, I helped myself to some Choco Boulders.

Yeah, help yourself to anything, anything at all.

I shouldn't even be here.

Right.

Why are you here?

Oh, I didn't hear you come in last night.

Well, it was very late.

And good morning to you.

Get off.

That man might not like it.

This is Duncan, my husband.

Peter, my new lover.

Peter, my wife and I have an open relationship.

I only hope you enjoyed her.

It was very nice, you.

Good.

Russell Brand called.

He said he wants his trousers back.

Yeah, well I didn't choose them, did I?

You're like a 26-year-old having a midlife crisis.

Yeah, they were chosen by middle aged women,

weren't they?

You're behaving a little bit like a prostitute.

Obviously I'm in a bit of a gray area,

but I wouldn't say prostitute.

Feel this.

Sniffily silk.

Oh, at least I don't have to buy your birthday

present this year.

Who said that?

Oh, and if you're struggling for ideas,

I think I know what I want.

You know in old films when girls would jump out of cakes?

I'd love that.

A girl dressed as a cheerleader, jumping out of a cake.

Now, I don't want to ruin any surprises, Pete.

But I can categorically say that's not going to happen.

Hey, you.

Oh, hello Anna.

Oh, just thought.

This really is the old gang from university, isn't it?

Me, Olly, Rob.

And Ana.

Oh, yeah.

Goes without saying.

I've just thought what we ought to do for my birthday.

You know we keep saying we're going to go back

and visit the university.

Well, we should do it.

Oh, yeah.

Look, I don't mind organizing it all.

Anna, can you drive?

Oh, and do you mind booking the hotel as well?

Um, actually mate, we did all go up a couple of months ago.

What do you mean?

We would have asked you, but you weren't around.

I'm always around.

There wasn't enough room in the car anyway.

There's only three of you.

Well, we took Dave Hodgson.

What'd you take Dave Hodgson for?

Well, he doesn't just talk about sports.

And he tips in for petrol.

Oh, well thanks very much.

But anyway, I don't only talk about sports.

I've got a degree in social sciences.

BA Honors.

Look, mate.

What about next weekend, we'll go to Alton Towers?

I'm not six years old.

You went to Legoland.

I had vouchers for Legoland.

I can believe this off her.

But you two...

She has got a name, Pete.

I see how it is.

And I'm going to see someone tonight

who loves me for who I am.

Not how much petrol they can get out of me.

Oh, come on, Pete.

Don't be like that.

Pete, come back.

Oh, difficult to flounce out in leather

trousers.

Let's have another look at that.

Pete, making quite a good fist of it, though.

Quick word about Dave Hodgson, here, Colin.

He once tried to eat 50 boiled eggs in an hour

just like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke,

but vomited after only eight.

Bad luck Dave.

So, Pete's still dressed in that bionic outfit.

Yeah, a bit out of place.

Looks a bit like a nervous vampire.

Peter.

You're late.

Yeah, sorry.

I was... I was walking, and I lost track of time,

and then the bus didn't come.

Should have got a cab.

Can't afford cabs.

If you need money, you should just ask.

I couldn't do that.

Of course you could.

My husband's very, very rich.

Oh, all right, then.

Well could I have 100 pounds then, please?

Enjoying my wine?

Yes, thank you.

It's very nice.

Very nice.

What an incisive description of the '72 Bordeaux.

Don't suppose you get much Chateau

Latour back in Waterford.

That's right, I've been doing a bit of digging on you.

Seems Ros has gone for her usual standard of chav.

No, I went to university.

Yes, and got a 2-2 I believe.

Yes, it was better than I was expecting.

Ah, my two favorite men.

Well, three's a crowd.

I'll leave you two lovebirds to it.

Here's the 100 pounds you asked for.

I didn't say anything about 100 pounds.

Take it.

I feel a bit awkward.

Yeah, but not enough to give it back.

You don't mind, do you, Duncan?

Not in the slightest.

What's mine is yours.

Are you sure that Duncan is quite

as on board with this whole open marriage thing as you are?

Oh, of course he is.

Now, do me.

I might need a minute.

No, now.

I think that is the point

where Pete crossed the line between kept man and gigolo.

As the bard himself said, to thine own self be true.

And he's not being, is he, Colin?

Indeed, no.

You join us in the house where Pete rents a room.

And goodness me, Anna is on the sofa.

I just wanted to apologize.

Oh?

I haven't been able to sleep.

I just feel so bad about not asking you

to come on that trip with us.

Yeah, well I appreciate you coming over.

But I don't think I can accept your apology.

Oh, come off it, Pete.

You once shot me with an air rifle.

And I forgave you.

Yeah, but that was just physical pain.

And anyway, it was an accident.

Pete, I got it.

Oh, sorry, Anna.

Didn't realize you were here.

We've got an infestation.

I've been catching them with these humane traps.

Where do you release them?

Because they can come back in the house, can't they?

Oh, no need to worry.

I just take them outside and stamp on them.

What?

Anna doesn't want to hear about you stamping on mice.

Back in Zimbabwe, stomping on the mice was the woman's job.

Oh well, come then little fella.

Let's get you stamped on.

Well, anyway, about the trip, I am really, genuinely sorry.

Don't worry about it.

No.

I know what it's like to feel excluded.

I've never told anyone this before.

But when I was at school, my breasts

were really slow to develop.

And by 15, I was still completely flat chested.

You've got lovely breasts, Anna.

Well, I do now.

But as I say, back then, there was nothing down there.

And I was really very self-conscious about it.

Anyway, this one time after games when

I was still getting changed,

Oh, Anna.

Some of the day girls rushed in with some of the town boys,

and saw me naked, and made some rather unpleasant remarks.

Seriously, Anna, I don't want to know.

- They called me Pancake Tits. - Pancake Tits?

That's nothing.

Oh, you've got a smashing pair now.

Stop it.

There.

Well, I know we haven't always gotten on brilliantly.

But Rob's a very lucky man.

I mean, I know I'd love to put my head between them,

give it a good old...

Would you, Pete?

Of course I would, anyone would.

Thanks, you're sweet.

Actually, Rob likes to do that.

I know, he told me.

Well, it's Sunday.

And Pete, taking Ros for lunch at his parents.

How did she persuade him to do that?

Well, let's take a look at the earlier action.

Let's do something together this Sunday, just you and me.

Oh,.

I've got to go for lunch with my parents.

Oh, fantastic.

I'd love to meet them.

You've got to be fucking kidding.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

Do you like roast potatoes?

Oh, you can't blame the lad for giving

in on that one, Colin. - No.

And while Ros is applying her makeup,

let's take a look at Pete's parents.

Frank, former worker.

Likes to think of himself as being very good with his hands,

but in fact he's only average, as we

can see from these bird tables and bird boxes

that he constructs in the shed.

And the birds sense it, don't they, Terry?

Because they very rarely use them to nest.

Yep, very much so.

Noreen, a part-time cashier at..

Now, last year she was suspected of stealing

in excess of $140 grand.

Luckily, it turned out to be a computer

error for which she received a full apology on a gift voucher.

And that gift voucher I believe was exchanged for a kettle,

which later broke.

Oh, Peter.

There you are.

Oh, where's your girlfriend?

She's just parking the Beemer.

Look, before she comes in, she's quite a bit older than some

of my previous girlfriends.

Oh, how much older?

She's 50.

But that's only two years younger than me.

Yeah, but she looks a lot younger.

I mean, she looks 42 tops.

And I just thought I'd let you know that she's a very

artsy, sophisticated woman.

All right?

So just lay off the traffic chat.

And please, don't take her to go see your bird tables.

What's wrong with my bird tables?

And everyone uses the roads, Peter.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm happy enough talking about the traffic.

But she's used to talking about interesting people.

And I just don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

All right, so we'll try not to be as boring as normal,

shall we?

That'd be really good.

Thank you.

And please, don't go into a big thing about

the Rickmansworth Frost Hollow?

So what weather phenomenon can I talk about?

Is El Nino off the menu?

If in doubt, just don't say anything, all right?

Hello.

Sorry we're late.

The traffic on the way up was a nightmare.

Oh, so, did you come up the M1 or the A41?

This beef is absolutely delicious.

Well, we went to Waitrose Forest.

Normally we just go to Asda or Tescos.

Mom, Ros doesn't care what supermarket you went to.

Don't be silly, Peter.

I do a lot of shopping at Tescos online.

But it's not the same as being able to have a good poke around

to find the bargains.

That's why I don't shop online.

And you can't use a computer.

I must say, I love what you've done with this room.

Whoever painted it did an absolutely brilliant job.

Oh, that was me actually.

Wow.

But I chose the color.

It's called White but Not Quite.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

So, how long have you and Pete been together?

Not long.

We're still at the bunny stage.

What's the bunny stage?

You know, where you still fuck the whole time.

No we don't.

Oh, don't be so coy, Peter.

Your mom and dad know all about fucking.

After all, that's where you came from.

Is it too late for you to have children yourself, Ros?

Mom.

No, that's all right.

No, the menopause has put pay to all of that.

I see.

But Noreen, didn't you find that the menopause

liberated you sexually?

Since I went through the change, I've been fucking

like a barn door in a gale.

Dad, what were saying earlier about the Rickmansworth Frost

Hollow?

You told me not to talk about that.

No, I didn't.

It's a place, right, at the bottom of a hill where

all the cold air collects.

It's one of the coldest places in Britain, isn't it dad?

I'll tell you who would be fascinated

by all of this, Duncan. - Who's Duncan?

It's Ros' friend, isn't it, Ros?

He's my husband.

You're married?

That's right.

We live together, but we have an open relationship.

Oh, really?

No need to be so disapproving, Noreen.

I think it can be a very good thing.

Why force yourself to sleep with the same partner night

after night, year after year?

Frank.

No, oh, no, I don't mean us.

I mean in principle.

Lee Miller used to have one.

Who's Lee Miller?

She was muse.

Very influential figure in 20th century art.

Well, how do you know about Lee Miller?

I read a book.

What book? When?

I read books, Noreen.

Ken Follett.

I read very widely.

She photographed virtually every major artist

of the 20th century.

Fucked every major artist of the 20th century, you mean?

What's the point, mum?

Trifle.

Oh, probably not arty enough for him.

What would Lee Miller have for pud?

A fuck, probably.

Well, Ros has been getting Pete some birthday

treats, one of which seems to be some sort

of hair ironing treatment.

Yeah, she's paid for him

to have a 500 quid make-over including

skin cleanse and body scrub.

He doesn't look overly delighted

with the result, Terry.

And to tell us why, here's legendary agony aunt Claire

Rayner.

Hello, love.

What's the story, Claire?

Well, poor fellow.

He doesn't like himself at all, does he?

His self esteem is that big.

It's high time he started paying for their treats himself.

And not just leave it to her.

Wise words from the master.

Mistress.

Well, let's see how he gets on with that.

You get the coffees.

I'll be back in a sec.

Oh, that's not a good start.

And I bet it keeps the change.

Pete?

Chloe.

I thought it was you.

Hello.

It's great to see you.

I love what you've done with your hair.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

So how are you?

Are you single at the moment?

That came out wrong.

But are you?

Pete.

But yes.

Pete, clearly delighted to see his ex.

Ay, she's a beautiful girl.

And she can light up the room like the floodlights

at.

Oh, nicely put, Terry.

- I - definitely would.

Thank you for that.

Are you single at the moment?

Yes, I am.

Yes, yes, yes, definitely yes, yep, yes.

Right.

Who is the woman you were sitting with?

What woman?

That woman you were with?

Oh, that was my auntie.

Right.

Thought she was probably a bit old to be your girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Oh, go for it.

No, that's my auntie Rosy.

And I'm just spending a bit of time with her at the moment

because she's feeling a bit down,

because she's got a few sort of age-related things starting

to kick in.

Oh, like what?

Hmm?

Varicose veins, that sort of thing.

- Aw. - Yeah, I know.

It's terrible.

Well, I'm in a bit of a rush.

But you've still got my number.

Give me a call some time.

I will.

Definitely, definitely, I will.

Oh, hello.

- Hi. - I'm Ros.

I'm Pete's...

Yeah, yeah.

I explained the set-up. - Good.

Isn't he adorable?

Get off.

Listen to him.

He hates it when I'm affectionate.

Stop it.

You've got to go, haven't you?

Um, yeah.

Well, it was lovely to see you again, Pete.

And it was nice meeting you.

Your legs look lovely.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

Why was she complimenting me on my legs?

Because she's a lesbian.

That meeting with Chloe

certainly got Pete thinking.

He can't quite believe he's allowed

himself to be this dominated by a wealthy older woman.

Not too proud to drink a wine

or indeed eat a Bombay mix though, is he, Colin?

No, indeed.

Here they are.

My loyal wife and her latest bit of ruff.

You're drunk.

Tell me, Rosalind.

What do you prefer about Pete's cock to my cock?

Do you two ever just talk about the weather?

No, it's not just his cock I prefer, Duncan.

So Pete, tell me.

Do you enjoy fucking my wife?

Can we please just stop using the proper word for things?

Why?

You are fucking her with your cock, aren't you?

Yeah.

But can we just say how's your father and willy?

You little prick.

If you wanted me, Duncan, you should have done something

about it 20 years ago when you were fucking

everything in your office.

This ship sailed a long time ago.

Yes, And with the fairy doors wide open.

Perhaps you'd like to stay and watch

while Pete gives me a tit fuck.

Oh, I don't agree to that.

Oh, don't worry about him.

He makes a lot of noise.

But he can't do anything any more, can you?

You bitch.

Looks like Pete's had enough.

He's got to get out of this degenerate relationship,

and maybe just maybe he'll have a chance

to get back with the pure and wholesome Chloe.

She seemed certainly up for it.

Chucking a woman, new territory for Pete.

He's always been the one being chucked.

With little to go on, he'll be relying

heavily on his TV viewing.

Ros?

We need to talk.

Kicking off with Neighbours.

That sounds ominous.

This situation, it just isn't healthy for either of us.

Eastenders.

Don't get me wrong.

I love all the stuff you've given me.

Oh, that's not so good.

That was his own.

It's just I feel like my identity is being stifled.

Holby City.

This wouldn't have anything to do with that girl

this afternoon, would it?

She's not a lesbian, is she?

Hollyoaks, I wondered when

that might make an appearance.

No.

That... that... that's got nothing to do with it.

Because I think we both know that things

haven't been right for a while.

And I think if we get out now, then

we can finish it before either of us

really hurts the other one.

It's the jackpot.

Then there's nothing more to be said.

Thank you for everything, Peter.

Aw.

Well, Pete's unexpected display of moral

fortitude paying big dividends, as he's now going out once

again with the lovely Chloe.

Ay, and it must be love.

Because completely unprompted, he's taken her

around to visit his parents.

Well, he's a glutton for punishment.

Ay, it'd be simpler to stick his knockers

in a light socket, Colin.

Terry.

All right?

Where's Ros?

She's not coming.

Oh, dear.

I was really looking forward to seeing her.

She's not ill, is she? - No.

Actually, mum, we broke up.

Oh, wonderful.

This is Chloe.

Oh, hello, dear.

Hello, I'm Frank.

Hi.

I like your shirt.

Oh, thank you.

Quick question.

Where would you say is the coldest place in Britain?

I don't know.

Um, somewhere in Scotland?

No, it's actually just down the road in Rickmansworth?

Really?

So now we join Pete on his birthday.

And we can track him here on his way back from the pub.

He's made up with his mates.

And things seem to be going from strength to strength

with the lovely Chloe.

Her birthday present

for him was a 2 quid friendship bracelet from Camden Market.

If he was still with Ros it might have been a Rolex.

Oh, this is fantastic, Olly.

You remembered me.

Oh, it's the least we could do.

Felt a bit bad about the trip, so.

I've had to keep it a secret for days.

I've been bursting man, bursting.

- I'll get some beers. - Oh, I'll give you a hand.

Oh, and I'll have a quick clean-out of the traps,

and then rustle us up some food.

Aw, thanks, mate.

That's all right.

So nice of you.

And thanks so much for not bringing Anna as well.

It's just so much nicer without her, isn't it?

She told me a really weird story the other day, right?

So when she was young... - Yeah.

Her breasts were really slow to develop.

And obviously all the girls at school hated her, obviously.

And when she was getting changed,

they got all the boys to come in,

and all the boys called her Pancake Tits.

Who's in the cake?

You shit.

Oh, hello, Anna.

I wondered where you were.

- You should have waited. - Come on, Rob.

We're leaving.

Oh, OK.

Who wants to see a mouse?

- Chloe, you remember Anna? - Hiya.

Hi.

And actually, I'm a 34B.

Peter.

I need you.

I miss your cock.

Pete?

It's only when I'm fucking you that I feel alive.

You've been fucking your auntie Ros?

Yeah, there's no good way

to answer that question.

No, Chloe...

Chloe...

Peter, I've taken some pills.

I'll call an ambulance.

And that is it.

What was all set to be the perfect end to a birthday

evening now looks like it's going

to be spent in the casualty department of Chase Farm

Hospital, listening to a middle-aged woman

having her stomach pumped.

Oh, well, we've all been there, Colly.

Well, not all of us.

But then, not all of us have played top flag football.

My highlight was Pete's new hair-do.

No Contest for me.

Well, that's enough of that.

Just enough time to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

And join us next time when, once again, Pete takes on life.