Original subtitles

This week on Pete Versus Life,

the socially-challenged, sports-writing hopeful

faces an old foe on tip-top form.

Ex-flat mate Jake, who once survived

eight days on an arctic ice floe after a dispute with his husky.

There's Jerome, the fashionista who also worked

as an informal prostitute.

And girly-girl Rachel, who loves cooking but is

frightened of carrots.

Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.

Good evening, I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry Mcllroy.

Ah typical start to a party, this for Pete.

He's not a great mingler.

And he's trying to avoid talking to Jake

by pretending to read a book on the care and upkeep of ponies.

Hello Pete, great to see you.

How are you? - Fine.

Great. Well, that's really good.

How are you?

Absolutely fabulous, thanks for asking.

Still doing my polar ice core research.

But now based in. - How's the Arctic?

Is it still melting?

Like you wouldn't believe.

The government's doing absolutely nothing about it.

It's criminal.

Still, Rachel's a great consolation.

Well, to Jake and most well-adjusted people,

this is a normal friendly conversation.

But to Pete, it's just a series of digs.

That's right, he's

already ticked off the fact he's got an interesting job

and a girlfriend.

But I won't get to see her much,

because at the end of the month I'm

supposed to be going to some bloody conference in Madrid.

That was nice backhanded mention of travel

plus hitting job again.

Which couldn't have come at a worse

time, because I'm supposed to be completing on my flat.

Only time I really get to myself is my marathon training.

Thanks for letting me unload.

Oh, fank you.

So how's it all going with Rachel?

Oh yeah, really well.

Very well indeed.

No, is there something up?

- No. - She get on your nerves a bit?

How do you mean?

Well, all that girly stuff and the way she talks.

I mean, who says fank you instead of thank you.

And what's wrong with saying fank you?

Nothing.

It's good But go on.

Tell me, what's happening?

No, no, no. I shouldn't.

Come on.

Let it all out.

You can speak to me.

I think you'll find I'm a very good listener.

Well, she's got into this habit of...

Yeah?

...when we're making love, putting her finger up my bum.

What?

- Yeah, just as I'm about to... - Launch torpedoes?

Exactly. Up it goes.

She is so cute.

Thank you.

You sure?

She doesn't seem the type.

Somebody is putting their finger up there,

and it sure ain't me.

I'll bet that can be a bit distracting.

It's a little bit more than that.

Hello.

Hello, Petey.

Hello.

What do you think of my eco doll, Petey?

It's not bad. Nice.

Oh, see?

Petey likes you.

Do you mind if me and my eco doll borrow Jakey for a second?

No.

Fank you.

Oy, Pete.

What happened to you?

I got sucked into the one show.

Oh, thanks very much.

All right, fellas.

Oh, Rob.

Me and Emma are going to go for a drink after this.

Do you fancy it? - Ah, no.

I better not.

I have got to get up early and look at carpets.

Oh, I've got to go give some nuts to Anna.

Hello.

Oh, hi Rach. Food's nice.

Oh, fank you.

Yeah, I was going to try some of these dips,

but you've run out of them little carrot sticks.

Oh well, don't worry about that.

Use your fingie.

No, thanks though.

Don't be shy.

No really.

Come on.

No.

I don't really like humus.

But I made it all on my own-some.

I'm allergic to lentils.

It's not made with lentils. It's made with chickpeas.

- I meant chickpeas. - Eat it, Peter.

No.

I'll try some.

Mm, yes, delicious.

Told you.

Fank you, Ollie.

What was all that about?

Rachel sticks her finger up Jake's bum during sex.

Shall we go?

Oh, poor Ollie.

He's going to need a stiff drink after that.

Well, he did.

And they had quite a night of it.

Yeah, they were refused entry to a nightclub

so they ended up drinking till 3:00 in the morning

in a Turkish restaurant.

And not a girl in sight.

Classic Pete.

And if we take a quick look at the restaurant's

pricing policy for beer...

Oh, that's quite a mark up.

Demand and supply, Colin.

But Ollie managing to look

quite sprightly this morning.

Well, the damage will be all internal.

Where's your rucksack?

Bullock.

Pete, my new trainers are in there.

They're a birthday present from Mexico.

Pete's still getting a bit thrown

by Ollie's girlfriend's name.

Even though Ollie's been going out with her for quite a while,

she changed her name when she went to the fashion industry.

Mexico, of course, formerly Susan Bates of Penge.

You must have left them in that Turkish restaurant.

Oh, I must have left them, must I?

Come on.

Let's go see if they're there.

Well, Pete doesn't seen keen.

Well, he was so cross about the price

of the beer that he took matters into his own hands.

As they were leaving the restaurant,

Pete decided to nick the laminated board with the photos

of the males on offer.

Seems a bit petty, Terry.

But at the time, it seemed like justice.

Well, might be worth hearing a bit more

about these elusive trainers.

Aye, they're the most this season.

Bet like perms used to be.

I think that was just footballers, Terry.

Yes?

Hi.

My friend here has something for you.

Ah, hello.

We were here last night, and I got home,

and somehow ended up with this.

I really hope it wasn't too confusing to your customers.

I mean, I wouldn't recognize a

unless I saw a picture of it.

Beautiful photography, by the way.

Spot on.

Oh, you haven't seen my rucksack, have you?

Rucksack?

No rucksack here, no.

Ah, come on.

You've got your kabob poster back.

I think what my friend means is

if it's not too much trouble, perhaps you

can have another quick look?

I already told you, no rucksack here.

OK, I see.

Perhaps this will refresh your memory.

75 pence.

75 pence?

It's a fortune to these people.

Well, go on then.

Have a look.

I'm telling you for the last time, no rucksack here.

And I'm telling you we can't think where

else we might have left it.

There they are.

There's your trainers.

Ah, come on. Get them off, love.

These are my mama's trainers.

Oh, don't be stupid. Come on.

Hand them over.

Shut up.

Oh, actually on second thought,

I think we'd better make a move.

Shut up.

Look, I definitely need those trainers, mate.

You're going to have to get me a new pair.

Don't worry, I'll give you the money.

Who said anything about you paying for them?

Well you're hardly going to cough up for me.

What's that supposed to mean?

No, you can put that away as well.

I think I can scrabble together enough pennies

to buy a pair of, , thank you very much.

How much are they?

200 quid.

200 quid?

That's fine.

Oh, he talked himself into that one, Terry.

A bit silly really when you consider his last paid job

was writing the program notes for Leyton Orient.

That's right, he falsified an interview

with Mike Lawrence ranking in order of preference

the players Mike most enjoyed rubbing down.

Which lead to some unfortunate chants

from the OA fans.

But he's not exactly snapped into action, has he Terry?

No, but he's got the best part of all week

to a part.

Here he is watching this fascinating first division

Yes, he looks a very happy man there.

He's got his pint of strong lager, his packet of crisps.

But oh no, here's Anna.

Oh, that's a mistake.

He's not going to get away with pretending he's not seen her.

Well, let's have a look at some Anna stats.

No phobias, so quite fearless.

Although occasionally has nightmares that she's gained

weight.

Oh, here she comes, Terry.

Pete.

I thought it was you.

Oh, hello Anna.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just around the corner with Rob.

Didn't you see me at the bar?

No.

Are you sure?

Because I saw you.

Well you were staring directly at me,

and I thought you were going to say something.

And then you just turned away.

Eyes, my eyes.

I really need some glasses.

Well you seem to be watching the telly OK.

Well I need them for distances.

That is distance.

Ah.

Well the truth is I was actually just miles away.

Then what was all that eyesight stuff about?

I don't know.

I think I was probably just embarrassed

about being miles away.

Why would that be embarrassing?

Unless you were lying, and you just

didn't want to say hello to me.

Pete's painted himself into a corner

on this one.

Yeah, he's got his excuses completely

the wrong way around.

If he'd of opened with I was miles away,

the whole incident could have been

brushed over in a matter of seconds

and he'd be back at the football.

Well, he didn't.

So let's see what he's got in his locker Oh my word,

he's pretending to cry.

Absolutely astonishing.

Pete, what's wrong?

Nothing.

It's probably just best if you leave me alone, all right?

I can't leave you like this.

Come and join us.

No, I think I'll just stay here and watch the football.

- No, you're coming with me. - But the football.

No, come on.

What is it, Pete?

Yeah, come on, Pete.

You're watering your beer down.

What was the score, by the way?

That's not important, Rob.

Now come on, Pete.

Tell us what it is.

You'll feel much better.

No, no, no, I'd really rather not.

What's going on, Terry?

Why doesn't he just make something up?

Well, his mind's frozen, Colin.

He can't think of anything, nothing at all.

And as we know from bitter experience,

Pete doesn't cope well with pressure.

Well it looks like he's got something.

Yeah, and he's going to go with it.

Pete, tell us.

What is it?

It's Jake.

When him and Rachel are having sex, she...

She keeps on sticking her finger up his bum.

And that's what's upset you?

He doesn't like it.

That's not so bad, is it?

We thought something terrible had happened to you.

No, you're right.

It's not that bad, is it?

Do you know what?

I might just go and watch the rest of the football.

Hello.

In fact, I might just...

Rachel, you little minx.

Fancy you sticking your finger up Jake's bum.

Pardon?

I think I might go and catch the result at home.

OK, bye.

Well Terry, now might be a good time

to bring in TV presenter and sex expert Tracey Cox

and ask the question, Tracey, what exactly is the appeal

of the finger up the bum?

Well physically, finger up the rectum

stimulates the prostate gland, which causes pleasure.

But of course psychologically, it

also excites because it's all about a notion

of danger and taboo.

Well, thank you Tracey.

Fascinating stuff.

Doesn't look like Pete's getting is five a day there Terry.

Well, I must say I think a lot of nonsense

gets talked about so-called nutrition these days.

Surely all the clubs you played for had

nutritionists even back then.

Aye, aye, although we called it bourbon.

Nice one, Terry.

Aye.

Oh, hello Jake.

Why did you tell her?

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

What?

Well you know when your mind just goes blank?

No.

I suppose you wouldn't, would you?

Well thanks to you, she's going to dump me now.

What, just for that?

What's the problem?

I thought didn't like the old finger up the bum.

There was a lot more to a relationship

than just a finger up a bum, OK?

Anyway, I kind of miss it now.

Oh, so you did like it?

No.

But she did, and that's what relationships are about, Peter.

Respecting your partner's needs.

If it may, no one needs to stick their finger

up another person's bum.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

Just leave it to me.

I'll sort it out.

I'll go over and see her.

No, just keep away from her, all right?

You've done enough damage already.

How's it?

What's going on?

Pete's been gossiping about intimate aspects

of my relationship with my girlfriend.

And as a result, she's dumped me.

Oh, so you're the finger up the bum guy.

Oh no, he's gone to Rachel's.

Unbelievable.

Surely another mistake.

I'm really sorry.

And if I could turn back the clock,

I would never have blurted out that you stick your finger up...

You know what?

There's no need to say it, is there?

Jake's bum.

I can't believe he told you.

Yeah, I know.

It was really indiscreet.

But look, don't pin it all on Jake, because I'm

partly to blame as well.

Yes, I know you are.

Well, you apologized.

You can go now.

Look, I didn't only come to apologize.

I'd really like to help patch things up between you two.

That's not going to happen.

Yeah, that's what he said.

Did he?

Yeah.

You've spoken to Jake?

Yeah.

I mean, he told me not to bother.

But like personally, I really think that you've got

something worth fighting for.

God, he really is a shit.

Do you want a drink?

Oh, yes please.

Now that should have been his cue to go.

Aye, but he's always

had a problem turning down free alcohol, Colin.

Jake is a twat, isn't he?

He's such a sanctimonious twat.

It was just everything he does is just so good.

Oh, what a tosser.

It was just such hard work trying to keep up with him.

Yeah, I know.

It's like oh, look at me.

I'm so many with my big bushy beard.

You are so funny.

You've really cheered me up.

Winker.

Oh, always a pleasure.

Never a chore.

No thanks.

What?

I'm single.

You're single.

We're both lonely.

What's the harm?

Oh well, I mean, if you put it like that, yeah.

Surely no good can come of this, Terry.

No way, Colin.

Well the tongues are well and truly in.

And there goes the hand.

Don't, or I'll stick it up your jumper.

I'm not sure, but I think he's just undone her bra.

Yeah, if we take a look at this

with the audio isolated.

Yeah, there it is.

That's right, Colin.

In old money, that's upstairs inside.

Well a funny way to patch up our relationship,

I must say. - Come on.

You want it as much as I do. - Yeah.

You're right.

Oh, that's a schoolboy error.

And what seemed like a good idea after four bottles of vodka,

now looking like a flawed decision.

I'll just go and put the kettle on.

Back in a secky weck.

What?

Oh, looks like the sexually voracious Sienna

Miller character of last night has reverted to Julie Andrews,

albeit with a hangover.

And Pete using this opportunity to make good his escape.

We've all been there.

Personally, I always nip out while they're still asleep.

What a gent.

Now I don't want you to get all sort of cross with me,

but you do understand last night was just a one off?

Oh yeah.

No, it had one-nighter written all over it.

Oh good, because I really think I can make a go of it

with Jake.

Then my work here is done.

It's quite relaxing, sex, isn't it?

Blimey, did you do that?

I don't remember.

To be honest, I'm not feeling particularly proud of myself

this morning. - No, me neither.

I'm feeling pretty disgusted with myself as well.

What?

Well, what was I thinking?

Last night was lovely, wasn't it?

Thank you.

Well, yeah.

Fank you.

OK, I'll see you around.

Oh, by the way.

Yeah?

Last night was great.

And don't take this the wrong way,

but how comes I didn't get the finger up the bum?

What?

Well, we all know you do it.

And last night was perfectly nice.

But how come I didn't get the finger up the bum?

Oh I see.

Would you like it now? - What?

Would you like a finger up your bum now?

Well not if you're in that mood.

Well, a well-intentioned fiasco there.

But Pete now finally on the hunt for those trainers

in a rather strange outfit and looking a bit perturbed, Terry.

Well, he's took the rather bold decision

to nick the trainers, Colin.

Goodness me.

This is of a very different magnitude

from the laminated photographs of Turkish food.

How is he rationalizing this?

By promising to donate 35 quid to a charity.

And that's the amount he thinks a pair of trainers should cost.

So using that warped logic,

he now sees himself as the good guy?

Exactly, Colin.

Let's see how he gets on.

- Yes? - Oh, hello.

I'd like to look at the Rakis, please.

The Riakis?

- Yeah. - Are you sure?

Yeah.

Because he's wearing the Riakis,

but if you buy the shoes, you're not going to look like that.

I know.

He's got those stupid trousers on as well.

These shoes, they're a lot of money.

Well can I have a look at them anyway, please?

What?

What size?

Oh, size 8.

Really?

You look more like a 10 to me.

I think you're a 10. - No, I'm

A size 8.

Would you like me to measure your feet?

Have you ever heard the phrase the customer is always right?

No, I'm from Paris.

Just go get the shoes, please.

Well that was a wrinkle he didn't expect.

Aye, but the snooty attitude of that shop

assistant has only made him more determined to nick

those trainers.

It doesn't look like he gave a lot of thought

to his socks before he embarked on this caper.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Please, be careful not to damage them.

Oh, a bit flimsy, are they?

Because they were knocked up in some sweat shop

by a group of six-year-olds?

Right, yeah they're actually very good.

Very nice. Very comfy.

They're clearly too small.

You're ruining them.

No, no, I like a snug trainer.

I'll take them. - OK.

Looks to me like he's had an idea.

Let's get these paid for, shall we?

He's up to something.

Yeah, if we take a look at his vital signs,

these are the sort of figures you'd expect to see

on an astronaut during takeoff.

So what's he going to do?

Oh, I didn't know Sex and the City was on this time of day.

What?

Wanky shop.

And they're off.

Well, they look pretty evenly matched, Terry.

Yeah, Pete handicapped by having shoes

two sizes too small, but Frenchmen equally

hampered by his stupid shoes.

Indeed.

Let's have a closer look at those.

Oh dear.

Looks like something Lady Gaga might wear.

Yeah, and the less

said about his colleagues trousers, the better.

Oh, looks like Pete's dropped something,

but he hasn't noticed.

That's his little notebook.

Contains ideas on future articles in sports,

plus his own design for a car of the future.

That vision now sadly lost.

So Terry, Pete's rummaging around in a large bin.

He's realized if he's to present the stolen

trainers to Ollie this evening as new,

they're going to need a box.

Now this is the wee bin used by the snooty shop.

But he's going to have to be very careful that he's

not caught here, Colin.

I thought it was you.

Pete.

Oh, Mr. Spencer.

Sorry, I thought I was going to get caught.

Yes, Mr. Spencer.

Pete's old English teacher from Gaston High in Watford.

Very well-liked.

Yeah, in sharp contrast to Mr. Small, the math

teacher, who was unable to gain the kids

respect because he wore a wig.

Fooling no one.

- So how are things going? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really well, really well.

I'm a sports journalist now.

Well, on and off.

Are you working on anything at the moment?

No, not at this exact moment.

But a few irons in the fire.

Right.

Why are you in a bin?

I'm just trying to find a cardboard box for tonight.

Actually Pete, I volunteer at a hostel.

Oh, no, no, I'm not a tramp.

No.

No, I really am a sports writer.

In fact, I've got one of those ideas books

that you told us about in English.

Hang on, it's here somewhere.

I might have dropped it when I was running away.

If you won't go to the hostel, at least take this.

No, I don't need your money.

No.

Spend it on food.

No, Mr. Spencer, I really am a sports writer.

I used to write the program notes for Leyton Orient

until I got fired.

Oh, brilliant.

So Pete after Mexico's party,

and he's looking quite pleased with himself, Terry.

Oh that's right.

Earlier on he gave Ollie the replacement trainers,

and it seemed to go off rather well.

Let's take a look.

Oh, brilliant.

When your old mate Pete says he's going to get something

done, he gets it done. - Oh, this is great.

I can wear them to Mexico's party.

There it is again.

Mexico's a girl, not a country.

But I can't let you pay for them.

Oy, stop that.

It's the least I can do, all right?

You've got me out of enough scrapes in the past.

It's on me, all right?

Well, at least let's split it.

Well, if it'll make you feel better, OK.

I'll get my wallet.

It's 100 quid.

No wonder he's in a good mood.

All set for a night of fun at Mexico's party

at town.

Hello, Ollie.

Hello, Mexico.

It's pronounced Mexico.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry Susan.

I'll get the drinks in then.

Oh, I should mention they don't serve alcohol.

Which I think is a really good thing.

Alcohol is one of the greatest poisons Western society

ever produced. - Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Who's up for fruit juice then?

Bloody hell.

Get ready to rumble.

You.

Have we met?

Of course we've met.

When you stole my shoes from my shop.

- What? - Where are they?

You've got the shoes on.

What are you talking about?

He came into my shop and stole those trainers.

Now you be very careful what you're saying, young man.

Because in this country, that's slander.

You stole my shoes.

I certainly did not.

In fact, Mexico, didn't you buy those trainers

for Ollie's birthday?

- That's right, isn't it Ollie? - Yeah.

I think this aggressive attitude

you've bought in with you is completely inappropriate.

Yeah, we're just trying to relax

with a few glasses of fruit juice and some ambient music,

OK? - You stole those shoes.

Then how do you explain this?

It's the receipt.

I don't understand it.

I was sure it was you.

Look, we all make mistakes.

Listen, it might be all right to go around making

wild accusations in your country, France,

but we live in a democracy, OK?

He's got away with it, Terry.

- Aye. - Hi guys.

Lovely to see you.

Mexico.

Hi, Jake.

Five.

Isn't this place fantastic?

Finally, a bar that doesn't serve alcohol.

You seem in a better mood.

You over your split with Rachel? - Very much so.

Oh good, because quite frankly mate,

I think she's a bit of a knob.

I mean, those teddy bears all over her bedroom.

It's like she's 12.

How do you know what's in her bedroom?

Oh, well, I hope you don't mind, but me and Rachel,

we actually had a bit of a bunk up last night.

- A bunk up? - Yeah.

It was you.

You dropped this while you were running.

This is yours, isn't it?

Cricket, why the bat must be smaller.

You've told me the idea before, Peter.

Look, hundreds of sports writers

must have had the same idea.

Let me see this.

Ollie's girlfriends.

,, Angelique, Tonya, Colleen.

That's quite a list, Ollie.

Oh, and Pete, you've made little comments after them.

Mexico, OK I definitely would.

Why have you made a list of all my partners?

It's because you've got so many.

Sometimes it's hard to remember.

And so this is to avoid an embarrassing situation.

The trainers.

Now.

What, you want?

Unless you want me to call the police.

Sorry, Ollie. Come on.

I'm having your trainers.

Thank you.

Merci.

So you lost my trainers and he stole you another pair?

Yeah, but no, he...

Mexico.

Can you believe her?

I mean, she's almost as bad as Rachel.

By the way, you are so much better off without that.

Seriously, mate.

She's really mental.

Hello.

The reason I'm over my breakup up,

Pete, is because we're back together.

Oh.

What have you said?

Look, if it's any consolation, she didn't

stick her finger up my bum.

I really didn't want to have to do that.

Some of those ambient people

looking very put out.

And if this was any other kind of nightclub,

I would say it could turn nasty.

Yeah, lucky for Pete

they've had nothing stronger to drink

than a wheat-grass smoothie.

Well, Pete perhaps getting his just desserts.

It's difficult to see Oxfam getting

that 35 quid now though.

Pete?

Oh, look at Mr. Spencer.

What happened to your shoes?

I'm not drunk, I was just...

I had to give them to a mate.

I'm almost finished here.

What about I drop you at a hostel?

Well he hasn't even got enough money for the night

bus, and zone four is an awful long way to walk in your socks.

Yeah, all right.

Thank you.

This is Derek.

He'll show you the ropes at the hostel.

It looks like Pete might be getting a finger

up the bum after all, Colin.

Thank you, Terry.

Your highlights tonight?

Well, I think it's

got to be the moment when Pete was nicking the trainers

and he shouted wanky shop.

While a bit of an unfortunate

choice from Terry there, thank you for your contributions.

Thank you for watching, and join us again next time

when Pete takes on life.