Original subtitles

Tonight, on "Pete Versus Life,"

the socially inept, would-be sports

writer takes on a quite daunting array of top-flight opponents.

There's his best mate's fiance Anna, whose goal is never

to have to use public transport again,

Jen, the human rights lawyer who once threw

a carton of natural yogurt at Tony Blair,

and his ex-flatmate Jake.

He likes the environment, but he also likes a laugh.

Let's see how he gets on in "Pete Versus Life."

Welcome.

I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry Mcllroy.

So we find Pete in a theme bar.

What do you think the theme is, Terry?

Well, world's shittest pub, by the looks of it, Colin.

Still, on the plus side, it's full of young, pretty girls...

Or, as we used to say it back in the old days, crumpet.

Well, times have moved on.

Let's just say attractive young women.

Yep, although I believe the term

bitches is now acceptable.

Not on TV, Terry.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

- Oh. - Or two.

So has anyone got any questions they want

me to ask Cristiano Ronaldo?

It's all set for tomorrow. - Oh, the interview's happening?

That's brilliant. - Yeah, basically...

Excuse me, Pete.

But we were having a conversation

before you arrived.

Oh, sorry.

Unless you think football's more

important than our wedding.

- No, your wedding's great. - Thanks.

So I was just telling Ollie about the place settings.

Because every table's gonna be named after a different college

at Oxford.

Because that was such an important part in my life.

That's a really good idea.

So there'll be Brasenose, Pembroke,

Jesus, Oriel, Trinity...

Now, she's mentioned this table place settings

idea before, hasn't she, Terry?

Yeah, the 4th of March and the 12th of March.

It's also the 114th time she's the fact

that she went to Oxford.

Astonishing to think she was only there for two terms.

And, of course, the last time they met,

Pete had to sit through 45 minutes on canapes...

TERRY MCILROY That's right.

...and an hour and a half

on these special vows she's written for Rob to say,

which left very little time for Pete's topics.

There's so much here for Pete to dislike.

And that's before we get to the fact that since the engagement,

she's taken to calling Rob...

Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

Mm.

Balliol.

Oh, work.

Hiya.

So, uh, everyone's still happy with Amsterdam

for the stag weekend?

I'll be perfectly happy just to look at some prostitutes

in shop windows.

Well, what's the point of that, then?

Well, you get to look at them.

But because they're behind glass, they can't get you.

Fantastic news, bunny.

Sally can cover for me at work.

I can come to Amsterdam on the stag weekend.

Oh, that's brilliant.

We decided if I could swing it, then I should come.

Because we're not only lovers, we're also best friends.

Yeah.

We... that... that is brilliant.

We can hire bicycles.

We can go to the Van Gogh museum.

It's gonna be a scream.

So Pete's under pressure.

What's he got in his locker?

Oh my god, we can visit Anne Frank's house.

Oh, I can't come.

What?

Why not?

Uh, because of global warming.

What?

Short-haul flights are an environmental crime.

But I thought it was your idea to go to Amsterdam.

Yeah, I know.

But it's just I've had time to think about it.

And air travel results in one and a half kilos of carbon

dioxide being emitted into the Earth's atmosphere

for every mile flown.

And that is unacceptable.

But you've gotta come, mate.

It's my stag weekend.

Yeah.

I know.

But it's your children's future.

Let's go for a wee.

Hi.

I'm Chloe.

Sorry.

I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.

And I think it's fantastic that you're not

going on your friend's stag weekend for the sake

of the environment.

It's just something I'm really passionate about.

In fact, that's mine there.

Left it there earlier.

Well, for me, the environment is like a religion.

Me, too.

I really like it.

Well, Terry, looks like they wasted no time at all.

There's no other way to put this.

They are in the foreplay stages of the act of lovemaking.

And look at Pete's face.

She's got a hand on his old man.

And what a great feeling that is, eh, Colin?

Oh, yeah, one of the best.

Getting the hand wrapped around

the old baldheaded giggle stick, it's always a magic moment.

I remember back in '85, I was

I'm gonna have to stop you there, Terry.

Looks like Pete is going downstairs.

Yes, he's, uh, off the fairway and into the rough.

Aye.

Yodeling in the canyon, it's not something

you'd expect from Pete, not something he's overly fond of.

But, uh, to the lad.

He's pulling out all the bells and whistles on this one.

So Let's take a closer look

at the action.

Well, he's resurfaced.

Looks like they're gonna go for it.

Oof, and they're off.

Yep, and very quickly

into a nice rhythm.

Oh, Pete.

Listen to Chloe, making

some very encouraging noises.

Well, he's acquitted

himself very well so far.

But now is the crucial phase.

This is where discipline really comes in.

Oh, and there's the first indication

he may be reaching the finishing line sooner than he'd hoped.

Come on, Peter.

Keep it going.

Aye.

She's a very beautiful girl.

It's probably the most erotic experience

in Pete's life so far.

Uh, it's not looking too good, is it?

Come on, Pete.

Hang in there.

Oh, that's brilliant.

He's thinking of Wayne Rooney.

That's bought him some valuable time.

Yeah, not much

chance of a dishonorable discharge

when you're thinking of Wayne.

Oh, but this is surely trickier ground,

metrosexual icon David Beckham.

Yeah, that's trickier, Colin.

But, you know, I reckon he can hold on.

Come on, Pete.

Keep it going. Oh, no.

It's Kate Humble from "Springwatch."

Surely, it's only a matter of seconds now.

And, yes.

It's all over.

There it is, the ball very much in the back of the net.

Yeah, very disappointing end there.

But, you know, not a bad performance.

And what you've got to remember here is, Colin,

it's the first time the lad's played in over a year.

COLIN KING Well, I've

just got some times in, and 2 minutes,

43 for the last phase there.

And looking at these stats, that's

actually one of the longest times

he's managed on a first outing.

Is he maturing?

I know he had a crafty one

off the wrist this morning.

She lies there

like a young Audrey Hepburn.

But what's wrong with Pete's face?

Well, for the first time

since he were about nine year old,

Colin, he's genuinely happy.

Mmm.

Morning.

Morning.

Peter, have you been eating my Weetabix again?

Kurt.

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't realize you were here with a young lady.

Hello.

I trust you've been practicing safe sex.

- Get out. - No.

It's very important we talk about this.

In my country, HIV-related illnesses

are reaching epidemic levels.

- We did use a condom. - No, don't answer him.

I'm pleased to hear it. What about my Weetabix?

I haven't touched your Weetabix.

Who else is eating them? The landlady?

Her body cannot tolerate fiber.

Look.

I'll get you some new Weetabix, even

though I haven't touched them.

Now, just get out.

Nice to meet you, eh?

And you.

Have you been taking his Weetabix?

Well, yeah.

He says Weetabix.

But really, they're only Tesco's own brand.

Interesting fact

about Pete's flatmate Kurt.

He said back in Zimbabwe, he once killed a crocodile.

Well, not many crocodiles for Kurt now,

as he's studying IT Science at London

Metropolitan University, formally

of course Holloway Polytechnic.

That's right.

Did you go to Polytechnic, Terry?

TERRY MCILROY Nah, Colin.

After, , I signed as an apprentice for Sunderland.

That looks heavy.

Well, it's full of cow's liver.

Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it to me.

It's a Portuguese delicacy.

There she is.

Lacks some of the vision and swagger of her famous grandson

but can still pick 12 kilos of olives in an hour.

Oh, yeah. How did that go?

Yeah.

Well, I got on great with the granny.

But he left after one question.

What was the question?

Why did that woman accuse you of sexual assault?

Anyway, don't worry about that.

What happened with that Chloe?

The problem is that she's nuts about the environment.

And sooner or later, she's gonna want to have

a conversation about it. - Mm.

I mean, I've managed to keep her distracted so far with sex.

Mm. That won't last very long.

Tell me about it.

Oh, in fact, I've got a couple of tickets for a conference.

That might help you out.

"The Arctic: Let's Stop It Melting Together,"

she might like these, actually.

Where'd you get them from?

Uh, Jake.

Jake?

What's he doing back?

He's one of the speakers at the conference.

Well, Jake is...

I hesitate to use the phrase Pete's

nemesis because there are so many enemy

figures in Pete's life.

But he's not overly fond of Jake.

And for all the reasons

everyone else likes him. He's good-looking.

He makes people laugh.

And he's good in an unstructured conversation.

Plus, of course, when they were

students, Jake witnessed this.

Pete was watching the "Antiques Roadshow."

Didn't want to miss the valuation

on a hand-painted Regency vase.

Needed to wee and took the bold step of relieving

himself into the teapot.

Hi, Pete.

I wasn't doing anything.

Hi, Pete.

Um, last night, all that stuff about the environment,

that was all bollocks, wasn't it?

You don't want to go to Amsterdam

because Anna's coming.

No.

No, you've got that all wrong, mate.

No.

Rubbish because... because you flew to Rome for the Champions

League final in May.

I do like Anna...

Sort of.

Why are you marrying her?

Oh, shut up, Pete.

Well, I love her, I suppose.

She's... she's the wind beneath my wings.

I bet she said that.

Yeah, yeah, she did, actually.

But it's fair enough.

You're too young to get married, Rob,

especially to someone like her.

Oh, just ignore him, Rob.

It's not as if he's gonna tell her, is it?

No, no, of course not.

Anyway, I'd better get going.

We're going out for the day.

Anywhere nice?

Ikea.

See ya.

You do know he's gonna go tell Anna all of that the minute

he sees her? - He's not.

He said.

Couples like that tell each other everything.

- You think so? - Of course.

And you of all people don't wanna piss Anna off.

You know her brother's just got a job with ITV Sport?

She might be able to put in a good word.

I jump through hoops for no man.

People take me as they find me.

Well, that would be fine if you weren't a wanker.

I'm not a wanker.

Maybe a little bit.

Well, looks like Pete's second date with Chloe

is Sunday lunch at her mum and dad's house...

Surely, an error.

It's way too early, Colin.

Pete's relationships never seem to last too

long once he's met the parents.

Let's take a look at the past form here.

And as we can see, the longest one

was Julie, which continued for a very painful

six days after he told her mum he hates "The Inspector

Lynley Mysteries."

Julie's mom

not only a huge fan of "Inspector Lynley,"

but also of the "Midsomer Murders."

Well, he's been in the house just over an hour now.

He's going in for the meal proper.

Let's see how he gets on.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you.

It must be worth what...

1.1, 1.2 million?

I don't know.

It's just our family home.

Um, Pete, I couldn't help hearing you flushed the loo.

And I did say in this house, we only flush after number twos.

It's just one of the ways we try to do our bit

to help save the planet.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I did do a number two, actually, so.

Oh.

Had he done a number two, Terry?

TERRY MCILROY No, Colin.

And when Jen goes into the loo later and finds the seat up,

she'll see it was pure hyperbole.

Thanks, Terry.

We're all very big on the environment here.

Like me, yeah.

Oh.

Pete's given me tickets to a conference on protecting

the Arctic ice field.

I thought we could go for your birthday treat.

We could think up ways to stop the Arctic melting.

That sounds wonderful.

Will you be joining us, Pete?

Ah, I'd love to.

But I'm going to see Tottenham at West Ham.

Oh.

Pete has to go for his job.

He's a sports writer.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

How's that going?

Really well, yeah.

The work's really coming in now.

You make a living from it?

That's right, yeah.

Although if I'm a little bit short,

University College Hospital are always

looking for test subjects.

I once got two grand for having my heart stopped.

They started it again, though.

Uh, um.

Jen used to play netball for England.

Oh.

Sorry, who's Jen?

My mum.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, we just think calling parents mum and dad,

you know, it sets up barriers.

Which sometimes, though, that can

be a good thing, which you'd know

if you'd ever met my parents.

Because they're fucking mental.

No, they're not.

Really, though, they're great...

Noreen and, uh... can't remember his name now.

You can't remember your own father's name?

No, it's completely gone.

Right.

Well, I hope you like vegetarian food.

Oh, I love it.

Oh.

Are you a vegetarian?

No.

Obviously, I agree with it all.

I mean, killing animals is just cruel.

Wrong, isn't it?

You still eat meat, though?

That's right.

It seems you haven't given the issue of vegetarianism

a great deal of thought, Pete.

Mike.

Sorry, who's Mike?

My dad.

Well, actually, Mike, I have given it

a great deal of thought.

Well, then, it sounds like you haven't

reached any firm conclusions.

Yeah, I have.

I've just reached two conclusions.

Well, eating meat is completely ethically and morally wrong.

But at the same time, it is delicious.

And it's also a great source of nutrients and vitamins.

Ah, yes.

But so is tofu.

Yeah.

But tofu's horrible. - This is tofu.

Shall we talk about something else?

COLIN KING So meeting

the parents puts the mockers on a perfectly

viable relationship, albeit one built on lies.

Those who do not learn the lessons of history

are condemned to repeat them.

Mm, mm.

Nicely put, Col.

Frank.

Oh.

What?

That's my dad's name.

And it's no wonder

Pete is looking pale and waxy.

He's just spent a penny shy of 40 pounds on a lady's scarf.

Ah, yeah, it's for Chloe's mum's birthday.

Well, at 40 pounds, it's a good 20 pounds more than he's

ever spent on his own mother.

Eh?

Look at these stats, Terry.

I think particularly bad is 2006,

when his father gave him the money

to buy his mother a present.

And all he bought her was a mug tree.

Oh my word, it's Anna.

What's he gonna do?

Oh, I did not expect that.

He's hidden inside the child's taxi.

Well, you see, the lad's just panicked there.

If he had given that even a second's thought,

he could've ducked into the Upper Crust sandwich shop.

He could've looked at a suit in Suits You.

I would've gone into BHS.

They do a very nice cod and chips in their restaurant.

Oy.

Get out. My boy wants to go.

In a minute.

You're too big for it, mate.

What's going on?

Pete?

Oh, hello, Anna.

All yours, mate.

You were hiding from me, weren't you?

No. I just wanted to go in the taxi.

You were hiding from me because you hate me.

Don't know where you're getting all that from, Anna.

- From Rob. - Oh.

I can't believe you made up all that stuff

about the environment just to get out

of spending two days with me.

And what's worse is you're going out

with that lovely girl from the bar who thinks you actually

believe all that stuff.

I know.

It's awful, isn't it?

- Well, I'm going to tell her. - What?

Yes.

I think she deserves to know exactly the sort of person

she's involved with. - No.

Don't do that. I'm sorry.

And now I've had a chance to think about things.

And I've realized that I actually really like you.

- Oh, shut up. - No, it's true.

That's why I bought you this.

This is for me?

Yeah, of course.

I love it.

It's exactly my sort of thing.

Only people think, well, Anna wouldn't like that.

Because it's too middle-aged. - No.

I knew it when I saw it. That is Anna.

Ah, thanks, Pete.

Well, why don't we just put this whole thing behind us

and just become friends?

Come here.

Hmm?

Come here.

Aw.

Of course we can be friends.

Right.

Hasn't your brother just started working at ITV Sport?

Oh my god, of course.

You're a sports journalist.

I'll have to see if I can get you two together.

Should we get a coffee and talk about it?

Oh, no, I can't.

Shit.

But I'll call him.

And I'll keep you in the loop.

Great.

Well, thanks, Anna.

I'm so glad we had this chat.

Yeah.

Three? OK.

Ciao, Bunny.

Nice work from Pete there.

But that still leaves him with the problem

of buying another present for Chloe's mum.

And I very much

doubt he's going to shell out another 40 quid, Colin.

Well, the blue carrier bag

doesn't look promising.

But whatever's in there, he's foregoing Tottenham West

Ham to give it to Jen... and all to get into Chloe's good books.

Oh, thought you were going to say

get into her knickers then.

Uh, no, good books, Terry.

Steady on.

Hi, Chloe.

Pete, I didn't think you could come to this.

Oh, it's only a football match.

And I missed you. - Oh.

And I've got your mum a birthday present.

Oh, Pete.

Oh, hello, Peter.

Happy birthday, Jen.

Thank you.

I've got you something.

Oh.

Here we are.

How intriguing.

Now, it's something that every woman

as beautiful as you should own.

Peter.

Oh, it's like a little gadget.

What is it, Pete?

It's a rape alarm.

Why would you buy me a rape alarm?

Have you got one already?

No.

But why would you buy it?

Well, because you're an attractive woman.

And people are gonna wanna, you know...

Um, I'm... I'm going to get some more coffee.

Would you like... - Oh my god.

I haven't been insensitive, have I?

You haven't been raped, have you?

- No. - Oh, thank God for that.

I thought I'd really put my foot in it.

Oh, someone's raping Jen.

Pete.

You must've gripped it too hard.

I can't find the off switch.

But they probably make it tricky to find

so rapists can't find it. - Ugh.

Can I see the instructions?

There you are.

Jake.

Pete.

Good to see you.

Oh, here's your rape alarm.

Thank you.

I'm Jake, by the way.

I'm a friend of Pete's from uni.

I'm Jen.

This is my daughter Chloe.

Lovely to meet you.

Are you interested in the environment?

Oh, yes.

I'm one of the speakers.

Really?

You didn't mention that, Pete.

I forgot.

I'll be talking about my ice core research.

I've just got back from the North Pole.

Ah, the North Pole.

Wow.

That's where you can see global warming happening the most.

- It's really melting, yeah. - Oh.

I would love to go to the Arctic.

Well, if you're ever up there anytime,

I'd love to give you the tour. - Yeah.

We might do that.

We might do that. - Oh.

I didn't realize you guys were an item.

- We are, yeah. - Yes, but it's very early days.

Ah.

How's Charlotte?

Pardon me?

How's Charlotte?

Are you gonna be seeing her when you're down?

Unfortunately, we broke up nearly six months ago.

I'm only just feeling ready to get back out there, you know.

I'm my own worst enemy.

I just commit so much emotionally.

Aw.

Aw.

I'm afraid there's only the chicken satay left.

No, thanks.

We're vegetarian.

So am I.

But you could have some, Pete.

Uh, no.

After the other day, actually, I've decided

to turn vegetarian, too.

Aw.

Did you hear that, Jen?

Yes.

Well, uh, I better be off.

I'm on in five. Oh.

But I'm having a party at my place for Rob and Anna

tomorrow night. I hope you can come.

That should be all right, yeah.

And it'd be great if you guys could make it, too.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

I'm afraid I think I'm a little bit

old for that sort of thing.

Yeah.

Don't be silly, Jen.

There'll be plenty of other 30-year-olds there.

Jake, you're incorrigible.

No, but seriously, Jen.

I really would love it if you could make it.

There'll be a whole mix of people.

I mean, some of the speakers here will be there.

It'll be -tastic.

Well, in that case, we'd be delighted to come.

Great.

I'll see you tomorrow then...

Or, as the Inuit would say,..

COLIN KING So, a kick

in the proverbials for Pete.

But on the plus side, it looks like Anna's come

through with that audition.

And it seems to have gone remarkably well.

Fantastic.

The way you just walked in and read stuff off Autocue,

I mean that's just one thing I could never do.

Oh, you were superb, Pete.

Aw, thanks, Anna.

We should have a little chat.

Great.

Do you mind if I just go to the loo first?

Sure. See you in a sec.

Well, I think you have unearthed me a diamond.

Hello, Auntie May.

I'm brilliant, mate.

Oh, it was great.

Yeah.

No, he's a nice bloke.

But you know how touchy-feely Anna is?

Well, she's really weird with her brother.

I mean, it makes you wonder what Rob's marrying into.

She's all over him, like kissing him on the lips,

sitting on his lap, holding hands.

It's really creepy.

It's like some weird, little incestuous relationship.

I wonder who goes on top? Anna, probably.

All right, mate.

See ya.

So is there anything else you'd like me to do?

Yes.

I'd like you to get your things and go.

Oh, I thought you said you wanted to have a chat.

No.

And next time you go to the loo, you might want

to turn your radio mic off.

Oh my word.

And in that instant, all Pete's dreams have turned to dust.

Let's see it again from another angle.

Yeah. The whole body slumps there.

And look how dead his eyes suddenly seem.

And by the way, neither you nor people

like you will ever stop me expressing

my feelings for my sister.

Nor mine for him.

Well, a couple of hours

have lapsed since Pete's broadcasting

career imploded so spectacularly in the urinals at Studio B.

Aye.

Possibly an all-time low for the lad.

COLIN KING Or is it?

I think Pete's just realized, possibly a bit late,

that the two worlds of Anna and Chloe are about

to collide in the not-so-far-off galaxy

of Jake's party in Kensington.

And hell hath no fury like a woman accused of incest.

What a. - I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Look at him,

Terry, his legs going like the clappers.

TERRY MCILROY The last time

he ran that fast was shortly after he

yelled an abusive remark at them Liege fans.

I remember it well.

Oh, Pete.

Hi.

Is Chloe here?

Uh, yeah, she's here somewhere.

May I take your coat?

I hope you've told each other how many

sexual partners you've had.

Actually, we're still on what bands we like.

Have you seen Chloe?

The woman you had intercourse with?

Yes.

She's around here somewhere.

Oh, I brought your bag.

You left it at the caf the other day.

Right.

If you're embarrassed, I'll start.

I have had two sexual partners.

Hello, you.

Chloe.

You haven't spoken to Anna yet, have you?

Uh, no.

Oh, brilliant. Can we go?

Um, yeah.

I think your friend Rob's just about to make a speech, so.

Excuse me, everyone.

Um, eyes front, please.

Hello.

Um, I just want to say thanks to Jake

for organizing all of this for us,

for getting everyone together at such short notice,

but most of all for getting all this booze in.

If I can just, um, take over, Bunny.

Of all Rob's friends, Jake has been our staunchest supporter.

And it's nothing short of a major tragedy

that he'll once again be doing his valuable ice core

research at the North Pole.

When we finally apply the legal cement

to the bricks of our love...

I'm just gonna run and get my coat, and then we'll go.

All right? - But you'll miss the speech.

Yeah, I know. I really need to go, though.

...Victoria and Albert Museum.

I know some of you might think I nag Rob and try and change him.

But Rob wants to be changed.

Don't you, Bunny?

Oh, dear me.

And surprisingly, that's the end of the speech.

And a very real danger now of Anna and Chloe mingling.

Not my friend

And there it is.

The nightmare scenario has become flesh.

Matter has met anti-matter.

And a black hole surely now awaits Pete in that rather

nice, open plan living area.

Pete?

Is this true?

No.

Is what true?

That you made up that you care about the environment

just so you didn't have to go on a stag weekend with Anna.

What's going on?

And you kept up the lie just to go out with me.

- Did Anna tell you this? - Yeah.

Well, she would, you see, because she's in love with me.

Oh, fuck off, Pete.

I knew you didn't care about the environment... right from

the moment you flushed our loo.

I did a shit.

And I do care about the environment.

I'm passionate about it.

That's a lie.

And you know it.

She's telling the truth, isn't she, Peter?

Of course not.

I live and breathe the environment.

I've got "The Ecologist" magazine in my bag.

I'll show you now.

Ugh.

Where is it, Pete?

Hmm?

Is your liver still in there?

Oh, no, a catastrophic turn

of events for Pete.

Yeah.

And that liver's gotta be well past its sell-by date, Colin.

If you are a vegetarian, what are you

doing with offal in your bag?

Cristiano Renaldo's granny gave it to me

before I became a vegetarian.

What?

I can't believe I...

I think you'd better leave, Pete.

Oh, you're so manly, aren't you?

- What? - Oh, go on.

You might as well tell them now.

You're only gonna say it when I'm gone.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come off it. Go on.

Tell them. Tell them.

Tell them all.

Tell them you caught me doing a piss in a teapot

because I didn't wanna miss the end of the "Antiques Roadshow."

I've got literally no idea what you're talking about.

Can I call you in a couple of days, Chloe?

Well, a straight red card

there for the lad. I don't know about you, Terry.

But emotionally, I am drained.

Well, it's been.

A favorite bit for me was when he said, I did a shit.

You just can't plan stuff like that, you know.

Well, a slightly coarse note to end on, Terry.

But thank you for all your contributions tonight.

Pleasure.

Sadly, it's time to say goodbye from West London.

But join us again next week when,

once again, Pete takes on life.