All language subtitles for Women.In.Trouble.2009.BRRip.XviD.AC3-SANTi-English

[thunder rumbles]

[horse whinnies]

[rain pattering]

[thunder rumbles]

[dog barks faintly]

- You gonna do that all night?

- As long as it takes.

- They're gonna hang us
first thing tomorrow.

- lt's not tomorrow yet.

- You mean you still think
the real robbers

might come forward?

That's a one-in-a-million
chance, Sister.

- Well, that's still one chance.

[metal clangs]

[footsteps]

- You ladies can't sleep,
or what?

- Capitan.

You got to listen to me.

We didn't steal them cows.

lt was Billy Ray and his posse.

- That's what you say.

- 'Cause it's true.

She's never done a bad thing
her whole life.

She-she's never lied
or drank or smoked.

- What else have you never done?

- l've never been to the rodeo.

- What else?

- l've never gone
skinny-dippin'.

- [exhales]
Oh.

Think harder.

- He wants you to say
you've never been with a man.

- l won't!
- Good girl.

- 'Cause it ain't true.

- But l thought
you were a virgin.

- Are you kidding me?

l grew up on a ranch
with six brothers.

You get in here,
and l'll prove it.

- l guess l can't deny
a prisoner her last wish.

[door creaks]

- Hmm.

- What about me?

Nuns have last wishes too.

- Sorry, Sister.

You gave yourself to Jesus.

- True.

But now He never calls.

Lose everything except
the boots, Captain,

because tonight we accommodate

every single one
of your perversions.

[cell phone rings]

Mm.

Oh, shit.

That's me.
Sorry.

- Maybe it's Jesus calling.

[ringing continues]

- So anyway,
like l was telling you before. . .

- Hello.

- Hi, this is Latisha
from Dr. Greenspan's office.

Am l catching you
at a bad time?

- No, no, no, Latisha.

Uh, tell me.

- Your blood tests are done,

and the doctor would like
a word with you.

- Well, put him on.

- You need to come
into the office

so he can tell you in person.

- l see.

[engine turns over]

[tires squeal]

[crunching sound]

Now what?

Holly.

W-what are you doing sneaking
up behind my car like that?

- No, it's nothing.

lt's-uh, it's nothing.
l am-l'm fine.

- Come over here.

You sure you're okay?

l think maybe you have
a concussion.

- N-n-no, l always take
my contacts out

before sex, so. . .

But, hey, why are you leaving?

- lt's just, uh, l. . .

l can't talk about it.

l. . .

- l was just really
looking forward

to eating your pussy.

- That's sweet,
but l got to run.

- But l've been practicing.

You know,
l've gotten way better.

- Good to hear.

Careful with the car now.

[car chimes]

[engine turns over]

Holly.

- That's as straight as it gets.

- l'm pregnant.

- lt happens.

- Nothing else
you need to tell me?

- Congratulations.

- You sure?

- Plain as day.

And don't drink or smoke.

Take good care of yourself.

- That's it?
You swear?

- You may want to stay
in the shade.

lt's a scorcher out today.

- How can l be pregnant?

- Are you a virgin?

- No.

- Then you can be pregnant.

- [crying]

[phone beeping]

- Nick, uh,
it's Elektra.

We need to talk.

[laughs nervously]

Uh, will you call me back,
please?

lt's-it's really important.

All right.

Bye.

[whimpers]

[sobbing]

- Honey.

Ah, you're breaking up.

l can't-

Well, l only sound confused
because l find it confusing.

That's ridiculous.

lf she doesn't want to go,
why insist on her going?

Then who's fighting
the losing battle here?

Uh-huh, right.

Right.

But every daughter
has a strained relationship

with her mother.

Yes, they do.

Look at us with Mom.

Ugggh.

Okay.

You know what?
Your funeral.

She's gonna be in therapy
about this for years.

Guaranteed.

Different therapist,
that's all.

Honey, l know you're saying
something really mean

to me right now,
but l just can't hear you.

You're breaking up.

l can't hear-

Call-call-just call me back.

Call me back.

[phone beeps]

Do l always have to have
the last word?

l don't think so.

Do you, on the other hand,

always make everything
about yourself?

No doubt about it.

[peeing]

[toilet flushes]

[door shuts]

- [sighs]

Uh.

[scoffs]

[elevator dings]

- l'm stepping into an elevator,
so l might lose you.

l. . .

- Hello?
Doris? Do?

lt's hard to believe
your aunt and l

came out of the same womb.

You're not listening
to a word l'm saying,

are you, Charlotte?

- Ten years ago,
it was a privilege to have one.

Now it's a privilege
not to, huh?

[rumbling and screeching]

[buzzer buzzing]

You're kidding.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi, Travis.

- Hi, Mr. McPherson.

- You know where to go.
She'll be right with you.

- l'll be back in an hour.

- Okeydokey.
- All right.

- l read your story.

- You didn't like it.

- l did.

You're a very promising writer.

Your vocabulary
is very impressive.

- But?

- No but.

- You didn't find it too. . .
dark?

- [screaming]

- Wasn't that the whole point?

- l guess.

- l mean, you can see why

your mom would be worried
about it, can't you?

- lf she read anything other
than self-help books,

she might not have been
that shocked.

- Did she actually use
that word?

- She's worried
about the witch thing.

- Yeah.

So let's talk about that.

You think you're a witch?

- l'm not technically a witch,
but my grandmother was,

so l think
l inherited some of it.

- Like what?
- Like. . .

l can see ghosts.

- Give me an example.

- You mind if l smoke?

- Go ahead.

- Addy feels really guilty

about sending
Caterpillar Girl away,

because l was at summer camp

when she had
the house exorcised.

- Your mom had the house
exorcised?

- She hired this spiritualist

to come and "cleanse the vibes"
or whatever,

and Caterpillar Girl
freaked out and left.

- And who is
this Caterpillar Girl?

- My friend.

She was a ghost.

Is a ghost.

Wherever she is.

She died 20 years ago.

This freak accident
at Rockerland.

She fell off this roller coaster
called the Caterpillar.

Her family sued the park,
and they shut it down.

You can look it up.

- And she lived in your house?

- My room was her room.

- And you're sure she's a ghost
and not an imaginary friend?

- Apples and oranges.

l really miss her.

- What's the difference
between a ghost

and an imaginary friend?

- lmaginary friends
you just make up.

You tell them what to do.

You can't do that with a ghost.

They show up, leave,
get bored, annoy you,

make you laugh.

- How do they annoy you?

- They move stuff around.

And they pull on your feet
when you sleep

and put your socks
in the fishbowl.

- What's that chain
you always wear?

- lt-it's Spanish.

lt's what l use
to hypnotize people.

Sometimes l see things,

stuff that's not the way
it should be.

But if l tell people about it,
they freak out.

lf l use this,

they tell themselves
they're under my spell

so that they can accept
what l say.

- Give me an example.

- You want me to hypnotize you?

- Let's give it a try.

- You're Addy-
my mom's therapist.

- Now l'm your therapist too,
right?

- All right.

Look straight into the amulet

and try not to think
about anything else.

Do you trust me?

- Mm-hmm.
Yep.

- Okay.

l want you to get up

and walk into
your husband's office.

Did you hear me?

But you won't do it.

- Sorry.

This isn't working.

- That's what you think.

- Why do you want me to go
into my husband's office?

- lt's not that l want you to.

l just. . .

l think you're so caught up
in saying

what you think
people need to hear

that you can't see what's
right in front of your face.

- And what would that be?

- Your husband. . .

and my mom having an affair.

- Now, why would you say
a thing like that?

- This is a big deal for her.

She's never done anything
like this before.

- Stop it.

- She's following
your own advice

of acting irresponsible
and letting loose

for once in her life.

- Your mom tells you
what we discuss in her sessions?

- l read her diary.

Please don't be mad at me.

- Why are you doing this?

- l don't want
to be doing anything,

but it's the truth.

She drops me off
then parks down the block

and spends 50 minutes
with Mr. McPherson.

You're basically the world's
most overqualified babysitter.

- l need to use the restroom.

l'll be right back.

- l'm so sorry, Maxine.

- Hey, honey.

- Hey, what's up?

- Nothing.

You?

- Nothing.

- l was just on my way
to the bathroom

and thought l'd stop by
and say hi.

- Oh, okay.

Well, hi.

- [laughs]

We still on for dinner tonight?

- You bet.

- Okay.

- Jesus fucking Paul and Mary.

- lt's okay.
Nothing happened.

- What are you, fucking high?
She knows.

- She doesn't know.
Nothing happened.

- Nothing happened?

- Did you make the reservations,
or was l supposed to?

- Oh, l'll take care of it.

- [laughs]

- You're on the other side
of this door, aren't you, Addy?

Please don't make me ask again.

- Honey, let me explain.

- Who are you supposed to be?

- Bambi, it's me, Holly.

l mean what are you wearing?

- l was at the gym
when you called,

but l brought a change
of clothing.

- Okay, l'll tell him to wait.

There's a bathroom upstairs.

- What does this guy do?

- He's a retired movie producer.

- Wait, how old?

- Not too old.
Don't worry.

He made a bunch of money
selling stocks.

- Jeez, how many stocks
did he sell?

- Never mind that.

Go wash up,
and don't touch anything.

- l won't.

- He wants to mix it up,
so l told him

my little sister
is a real peach.

- Oh, l bet he liked that.

- He loved that.
Men and peaches.

So you get him started,
then l'll come in and join you.

- Okay, l got it.
He wants a sister act.

- Bells, whistles.
- The whole nine yards.

- l told him we've joined
each other in bed before

but never actually dared
to do anything incestuous.

- And what did he say?

- He wondered
if we'd be open to it.

- So he's not a cop?

- How do you mean?

- Mentioning
the whole incest thing

proves he's not a cop.

- Of course he's not a cop.

He's a regular customer of mine.

- Okay, sorry.

Go on.
Then what did he say?

- So l said,
"Under the right circumstances,

with the right guy,"
wink, wink.

- Okay.

Well, if. . .

- What?
- Well, okay-no, no.

- No what?

- What if he wants details?

- Details?

- About us growing up.

- Give him details.

- Make them up?

- But keep it simple.

He's a regular customer.

- Simple.
Got it.

- Don't bend over backwards.

- Don't bend over
backwards?

- With some tale.

Don't bend over backwards
with some tale

l'll have to remember
every time.

- Got it.
l thought you meant literally.

- You're overthinking this.

- l know.
Sometimes l do that.

My brain just. . .

- l know.
That's why l'm telling you.

- lt only happens
when l get nervous.

- What are you nervous about?

- l don't know,
l'm-

l'm not.
Nothing.

- You're not still
beating yourself up

over the pussy-eating?

- No.
- Good.

'Cause this is me, babe.
Don't sweat it.

- l am good to go.
l swear.

- You are a sexual volcano.

That's why l called you.

- Hmm, l appreciate that,
and l won't let you down.

l'm just a little sore.

- You shot today?

- Yeah, just one scene
but, still, Jimmy Cojones.

- Oh, you poor thing.

- He's not that bad.

- Yeah, if you got all day.

- Oh, and he makes those faces.

- And the coffee breath.
- Oh, there's that.

- And then you went to the gym?

- l still got four more pounds
to go.

- Where?
You look great.

- Thanks.

Well, Lionel's 20 minutes tops.

ln and out.
Nobody gets hurt.

- Great.
What's his name?

- Lionel.

- ls he black?
- No.

- lt's not a problem if he is.

l just never met
a white Lionel before.

- He's white-ish.

But don't call him Lionel.

l call him Lionel, but he wants
you to call him Patron.

- Like the tequila.

- lt means "boss" in Spanish.

- Patron.
Okay.

Anything else l should know?

- He likes it up the butt.

- Whose butt?

- Mine.
Whose butt are we talking about?

- l don't know.
l thought maybe his.

- How is he gonna stick his dick
up his own butt?

- Right.

l just thought maybe-

- You know how they say,
"lt's not rocket science"?

That would be rocket science.

- He pays you extra for it,
l hope.

- A lot extra.
- Not enough for me.

- My, my.

Aren't you the elegant
dick licker all of a sudden?

- Some things are off-limits
is all.

- Not with George Katz
it wasn't.

- That was a matter
of birth control.

- You were being responsible.

- lt always comes back
to George.

- l was just talking.

- You know, a human person
can only apologize so much.

- ls that a fact?

- You know, if he's so crazy
about you,

how come he asked me
to give him a blow job

every time you left the room?

- You could have said no.

- l was in an awkward position.

l mean, the way he looked at me,

it was just different
than other guys.

- Different?

- Yeah, like every time he came
in the room,

l could feel him
mentally undressing me

with his eyes.

- Holly, we were working
in a strip club.

- lt's hard to explain.

- So l gather.

- That was what,
two, three years ago?

lf you still love him, call him.

- He's in prison.

- Then why are we
still discussing this?

- Look, forget l brought it up.

- l mean, do you want
to spend every weekend

talking through
the glass phone thingy?

[glass shatters]

- What the fuck was that?

- lt sounded
like glass breaking.

[indistinct male voices]

Now it sounds like men's voices.
- Shh.

- l don't have it.

- You don't have it?
Gee, l never heard that before.

You heard that one before, Rico?

[indistinct yelling]

When you borrow something
and refuse to pay back. . .

- Please don't hurt me!

- Hurt you?

We're not gonna hurt you, Marco.

We're gonna smash
your fucking head in.

- Please don't hurt me!

[car alarm chirps]

- Ow!

Ow.
- Come on.

We don't have time for this.

- Oh, my God.

l didn't even see her.
- lt's nothing, really.

- ls she gonna be all right?
- She's fine.

This happens to her
all the time.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

She's blind as a bat.

- But she needs a hospital.
- Oh, don't be silly.

Maybe you can just drop us
down the block.

- Down the block?

- Yeah, wherever you're going.
We're easy.

- l'm-l'm going to a bar.

- Great idea.

- Maxine, wait.
Let me explain.

[tires squeal]

- ♪ l found l wasn't to blame ♪

[jet engine roars]

♪ l discovered
that it had to be you ♪

- Will your wife be wanting
anything else?

- She's not my wife,
and you know it.

- l don't know it.
How would l know that?

- You play innocent
remarkably well.

Are you an actress?

- Does it look like
l'm an actress?

- Oh, yes, it looks like
you're an actress.

l thought maybe
you were doing research

for a part
playing a flight attendant.

Now, l watch mostly old films
on tour,

and you could be
a ridiculously famous movie star

and l just wouldn't-
l wouldn't have the faintest.

- l'm flattered, but l'm not.

- Well, look, look, look.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

l want to say something.

Now, let me tell you something.

- [clears throat]

- l would very much like
to carry on floating with you

after we land.

And l would like for you
to come along to my hotel

and maybe drop some ecstasy
and just be.

- ls that right?

- Yeah, l'm just so sick
of this army

of blank-eyed zombies
all around me.

Do you know?

And l feel that perhaps
you are as well, am l right?

Well, you know what
l'm talking about, right?

l mean, they're out to steal
our air, our soul, our music.

And they will stop at nothing.

See, the thing is,
they have no substance.

They're made of dust
and numbers.

Their hearts are nothing
but cheap little calculators

that just keep pumping out
receipts.

Do you know what l'm saying?

So what do you say?

- Uh. . .

uh, l. . .

l. . .

[laughs]

l don't know.

l have to get back to work.

- What?
Are you blushing?

That's fucking sexy.

- Ah.
[laughs]

- And how is Prince Charming
doing?

- l'm pretty sure
he's on something.

- Pretty sure?

The band left him behind.

The manager's escorting him
because they don't trust

he'll get to his show
on his own.

- lt says all that
in your paperback?

- l looked it up online
during takeoff.

- l think he's very nice.

- Every rattlesnake
has its charms.

- Am l detecting just a whiff
of jealousy here?

Could it be because rock god
Nick Chapel

is paying more attention to me
than he is to you?

- [chuckles]

l'm just looking out
for my girl. . .

and her fiancé.

- Oh, that is low.
Even for you.

- Low?

Who was sticking her ass
in the drummer boy's face

pretending the movie screen
was stuck?

- And who'd l learn that from?

- Oh, when l do it,

it's a masterpiece of subtlety.

- [laughs]
No.

This is you.

[moaning]

[laughter]

- That's kind of hot,
admit it.

But l have a little more junk
in my trunk.

- Even a little more
than you'd like these days. . .

- Ah.

- And that's why you're being
all Mother Superior.

- Oh, you're such a whore.

- Besides. . .

even if something happened,
and that's a mighty big if,

Benjamin would never find out.

And even if he did,
he might understand.

- Right.

- Couples give each other
free passes

for certain celebrities.

- And you guys do that?
- No.

But Nick Chapel would be
on the list.

- So ethically and morally,
you're all set.

l mean, it would almost be
irresponsible of you

not to fuck him.

- The guy wrote
Welcomed by a Kiss.

How many drummers wrote
their band's best song?

- Don Henley, Phil Collins,
Gil Moore.

- Who the hell is Gil Moore?

- He split songwriting duties
with Rik Emmett in Triumph.

- Who the hell is Triumph?

- Who the hell is Tri-

Fight the Good Fight,
When the Lights go Down.

Magic Power.

♪ l'm young, l'm wild,
and l'm free ♪

♪ l got the magic power
of the- ♪

- Uh, pardon me, ladies.

l just need to use the lavatory.

[coughs]

[laughter]

- Gosh.

- Nice.

What do you think?

- l think if you're asking me
what l think,

you've already made up
your mind.

- Does it make me a bad person?

- Who am l to judge?

- [exhales]

- You done this before?

- Mm-mm. Never.

- Are you sure?

- l'm sure, are you?
- No, never.

- Oh, look,
you're blushing again.

- Once before.

- What, with a passenger?

- Oh, God, no.
Pilot.

- While he was flying the plane?

- [laughs]
There was a copilot too.

- What, you did both?

- l mean the copilot
was flying the plane

while l was with the pilot.

- All right, look.

Full disclosure here?
- Yeah.

- lt's my second time.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, we're flying
commercial here.

l mean, we're not counting
private, are we?

- You're the one counting.

- Look.

l feel the need to tell you

that l've recently been dating
a porn star, okay?

Her name is Elektra Luxx.

- Oh, you-you don't need
to tell me that.

- No? You may have seen
the sex video that got leaked.

- Um. . .

- Well, it's a delicate matter
because some women,

they-they get intimidated
because they're trying

to measure up, you know?
- Yeah.

- No, l need for you to know
that with you...

it's not the sex l'm after.

Not that l was into Elektra

for that exclusively either,
you understand?

- Mm-hmm.

But with you, you see,

l'm turned on by talent,

by people who are the best
at what they do.

And l look at you, and l say,
"Oh, she's the best."

And l can tell
in the blink of an eye.

But with her,
look, Elektra, she's-

As much as l applaud the fact
she can pin both ankles

behind her ears
while she orgasms,

it's just always felt like
emotional quicksand, you know?

But with you. . .

l can feel your organic essence,
you know, your animal core.

l mean, that's what your name
means, right, Cora?

lt's like the core,
the center.

The heart of the orchard.
- That's right.

[moaning]

[rumbling]

ding!

- Sorry, folks, we caught
a sliver of that storm

l mentioned earlier.

lt should go back
to smooth sailing

in just a moment or so.

So if you could kindly return
to your seat

and fasten your seat belt.

- Oh!

[knocking]

- Cora?

Guys.

[door unlatches]

- Oh, my God, Maggie.

- What?

- l think he's dead.

[dull thud]

- He was giving me oral,
and then he bumped his head,

and it sounded
like something broke,

and l can't wake him.

[whimpers]

ls he not breathing?

- l can't tell.

But l can tell you
where all the blood went.

- Oh, Maggie,
you got to help me.

l am so fucked.
- Okay.

l'm gonna go see if there's
a doctor on the plane.

Put his clothes back on
and pull yourself together.

- How am l gonna explain this?

- Listen to me carefully.

He was in the lavatory.

The captain made
his announcement.

We knocked on the door.

He didn't respond, so we were
forced to open the door.

He collapsed on his own,
possibly a drug overdose.

- With a raging hard-on?

- Try to see
if you can bring it down.

- What?
How?

Maggie.

Shit.

[sobbing]

Oh.

Down, boy.

Down.

[sobbing]

What a waste.

[bell ringing]

- ls anybody out there?

Can anybody hear us?

We're trapped in the elevator!

Anyone!

Can anyone hear us?

- Someone turned it off.

Maybe the fire department's
finally here.

- Obviously you haven't been
watching the news today.

- l don't watch much TV.

- Well, you couldn't have missed
it in the papers then.

- Listen, lady.
Don't take that tone with me.

- Don't call me lady.
- What's your name?

- None of your business.
- What is your problem?

- My problem is
that we are on day three

of a massive heat wave
with forest fires everywhere

and l really don't think they're
gonna be able to spare anyone

to help a couple of idiots
who are trapped in an elevator.

And if you had read the paper,
you would know that.

- Wow, fit all that
in the paper, huh?

- Well, you got to read
between the lines.

Can anyone hear me?

- Will you stop
just for five minutes.

Please.

- Well, what do you suggest?

Just wait here and die
of smoke inhalation?

We have been here for an hour.

There is no smoke
and no fire.

We are trapped in the elevator,
plain and simple.

- You don't know that.

The first five floors
of this building

could be on fire.

We wouldn't know.

- We would be able to smell it.

- How do you know that?

What do you know about fires?

- My dad was a fireman,
and he told me

the first thing you do
when you are trapped

in an elevator
with a hysterical person

is explain to them that they are
wasting precious oxygen.

- l'm not hysterical.
l'm claustrophobic.

- l'm afraid of heights.

- And l'm afraid of falling.

- l'm pregnant.

- Congratulations.

- Don't.
- ls that why you're here?

- l just found out.

[chuckles]

- First one?

- Yes.

Maybe.

- l think you would know.

- Well, if l have it, then, yes,
it will be my first one.

How about you?

- Uh. . .

l have a niece
that l'm really close to.

That was her mom
l was talking to on the phone

when l came in here.

My sister.

l mean, obviously my sister
is my niece's mom, you know.

And l love her.

lt's just she's sort of like
a really stupid version of me.

- Huh.
Close relationship.

- Too close.

ls there anybody out there?

- One, two.

One, two, three, four.

[soft acoustic music]

♪ ♪

♪ l used to say l love you ♪

♪ lt wasn't really true ♪

♪ Why l didn't love you ♪

♪ And now l almost do ♪

♪ l used to say l love you ♪

♪ l said it as a threat ♪

♪ Or maybe as a promise ♪

♪ To see what l could get ♪

♪ But my heart
doesn't ache anymore ♪

♪ No, my heart doesn't break
anymore ♪

♪ 'Cause it just couldn't take
any more ♪

- Girls' night out?

- Something like that.

- Your friend looks about ready
to pass out.

- Yeah.

She's not really my friend.

- What's wrong with her?

- She caught her husband
with one of her patients.

- She's a doctor?

- Shrink.

- [laughs]
Go figure.

- Go figure.

- Women are like flies:

they settle on sugar or shit.

- You married?
- No.

Lucky that way.

- Me neither.

ls business always this slow?

- lt picks up in about an hour,
but. . .

- What?

- lt might not be
your ideal clientele.

- [laughs]

What?
You think l look like a pro?

- [laughs]

No, l think you look
like a blast.

You ready for another?

- What the hell.

- Some wetback with a broom
just offered me

50 bucks for a hand job.

- What?

Ah, that's Manuel.

What is he-his shift doesn't
start for another hour.

- Well, he sure is cussing up
a storm in the john.

- He's got Tourette's.

He's harmless.
Honest to God.

l'm sorry about that.

- Hey, shit happens.

Can l get a piña colada?

- Sure.

- You didn't, did you?

- What?

- Holly.

- l didn't.

Okay, next round's on me.

- You really are a pig.

- l am vulgar, but l have
potential for class.

- Really deep down.

- Like you're the Virgin Mary.

l just made a buck a second.
What's wrong with that?

- Well, for starters,
your facts on the Virgin Mary.

She wasn't actually a virgin.

- You are sick,
you know that?

ls nothing sacred to you?

- Okay, forget it.

What did he look like?

- Five and change.
Pencil-ish.

- The guy's face.

- Oh.
l don't know.

Soccer player
or serial killer type.

His jeans are tight,
like Starsky and Hutch tight.

So it takes me a second
to get it out.

And right off the bat,
he starts barking off speeds,

steering my hand.

"Pronto, pronto, pronto.

"Motherfucking Christ!

"Suave, muchacha, si, si, si.

Motherfucking maricon. "

- [laughter]

- How about a beer instead?

- Okay.

- Backseat drivers
are the fucking worst.

- Yeah, they really mess up
my game.

[dull thud]

Yeah, l think l'm gonna stay,

see if l can't turn
this night around.

- Here?
lt's a dyke bar.

- How do you know?
There's nobody in there.

- Trust me.
- Well, l'll take my chances.

- Look, don't stay here.

You're gonna get cruised,
but you're not gonna get paid.

These women get it for free.

- And who made you the expert?

l mean, maybe there's
some curious divorcée

who wants somebody
with the touch, you know?

- And you have the touch?

- Excuse me?

- Haven't you been whining
to me all week

about your girl-on-girl scene
fiasco?

- Okay, l ate some bad
Mexican food from catering

that wouldn't stay down.

lt doesn't mean
that l can't eat pussy.

l'm not retarded.

- Wait.
You threw up on her?

You didn't tell me that.

- l told you l got sick.

- You told me you felt sick.

You're uncomfortable with women,
you felt sick, you had to stop,

not you were eating her pussy
and puked on camera.

That's a big difference.

- l turned away from the camera.

- You know what,
you're lucky l love you so much,

because you're so dumb,
it's freaky.

- l'm dumb?

Who's going straight back
to the lion's den?

Those men probably killed
your stock salesman

and are waiting for us.

- What would you have me do?

Have her drive home?

- l don't know.
Call a cab.

Put her on a bus.

l think you want to help her.

- Yeah, so?

- So you're contracting yourself
all over again.

- l'm what?

Would you listen to yourself
once in a while?

l'm "contradicting" myself.

ls that the term
you're looking for?

How am l doing that?

- Well, you pick on me
all night,

and then you go play
hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold.

- Whatever.

You want to stay, stay.

l'll call you.
- Don't.

Not if it's gonna be like this.
- Okay, Holly.

- And what the fuck do you mean
the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin?

l mean, were you there?

Did you do her?

- She's known as the Virgin Mary
because her mother, Anne,

conceived her
free of original sin.

lt's called
the immaculate conception.

Joseph and Mary were probably
getting it on the whole time.

The guy was a carpenter.

- And what exactly does that
have to do with me?

- You asked me.

- Because you
brought it up before.

So we're even Stephen.

[engine turns over]

- You sure she saw you?

- Positive.

She was creeping
down the stairs.

l wouldn't have a prayer
in a lineup.

- Man, look at those legs.

We're gonna be sawing all night.

Come on.
Let's get this over with.

Whatever you do,
don't scream.

- [screams]

Bobby?

[gun clicks]

- How much do you like
your balls?

[throbbing piano music]

♪ ♪

- Have you ever made
a really bad mistake?

One thing you can never
forgive yourself for?

- l can pick only one?

- l'm serious.

- Who was joking?

- When l was 25,

l got knocked up by this guy,

this angel of death
with beautiful blond curls

and a mean streak.

He was young and. . .

apocalyptic.

And l loved him so much,

l didn't even realize
l had a meth problem.

- This is that moment, right?

- What moment?

- On the bus,

when the complete stranger
tells you they got cancer.

- l wouldn't know.
l drive a car.

- Sorry.
Uh, go on.

- Go on what?

- With the story
about your boyfriend,

the meth dealer.

- [scoffs]

l'm not sharing anything
with you now.

- Uh, please.

l am a great listener.

Perhaps l've had
one of those days.

Come on.

You were pregnant,
and your boyfriend was a dealer.

- Hmm.

So this one morning,
l'm puking my guts out,

the first trimester.

My boyfriend's trying to sleep.

He comes storming out
of the bedroom

and starts beating me
with a wire hanger

and telling me to shut up,

that he's trying to get
his beauty rest.

And l just started laughing,

'cause in that moment,
l realized that if he ever knew

that l was pregnant
with his kid,

l would never be free of him.

- Hmm.

- l don't think l had ever felt
that much clarity.

So l walked out the door
and left forever.

But in my haste,
l left the door open,

and the apartment
across the hall

is being watched by the feds

on a tip that there's
a militia cell

operating out of it.

So these militia goons
dumped a bunch of their trash

in my boyfriend's apartment.

End result: my boyfriend
ended up doing time

on a terrorist conspiracy.

- So where's the big mistake?

- The big mistake is that

l got paranoid that l was gonna
get dragged into it.

l mean, these court hearings
went on forever.

So when my daughter was born,

l left her in the care
of my sister

and went into hiding.

- They were looking for you?

- No.

l mean, l thought l was like
this big '60s radical,

you know, going underground
and fighting for my beliefs.

They didn't give a rat's ass
about me.

- There's a moral, and it's
gonna be a mind-fuck, isn't it?

- The moral is that

by the time l got back
from Amsterdam

to reclaim my daughter,

she had, for all intents
and purposes,

become my sister's daughter.

And l was either
not strong enough

or not weak enough
to take her back.

- Does she even know?

- What she knows is that her mom
and l fight a lot.

They're both in therapy now.

- [sighs]

l went to therapy once.

lt didn't do much for me.

- No?

- lt was just some creep
getting off

comparing me to dog shit
stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

- He said that?

- He worked in metaphors,
he said,

but the only thing
he seemed to care about

was whether l enjoyed anal sex.

What is it with guys
and anal sex anyway?

Are they all fags?

- lt sure doesn't sound like
you went to the right therapist.

- The only reason l went to him
was to talk to him

about how to deal
with guys just like him.

lnstead, he spent the whole hour
talking to my rack

and informed me
the reason every guy l meet

wants to bang me
is 'cause of my job.

- Where do you work?

- l'm an actress.

- Oh, yeah?

Movies? Television?

- Porn.

- Wow.

Can l ask you, like, how you. . .

l mean, you're so pretty.

You could be in, like,
normal things.

l mean, not that porn
isn't normal.

lt's just, you know,
l'm just curious, like,

how you got started in that.

- When l first moved out here,
l had this roommate, Riley,

this beautiful hippie girl
from Boulder.

l loved her to death.

We were way behind on our rent,

and she made me come with her
to this so-called audition

as moral support,
no pun intended,

and, uh, that was that.

- Weren't you scared?

- Holy fuck.
l was shitting bricks.

My first video, l did a scene
with the legendary Jimmy Haynes.

All penis, that man,
may he rest in peace.

But the second those cameras
started rolling,

l knew exactly what to do.

Maybe it's genetic.

My great-grandmother
was a gypsy sword-swallower,

but l discovered
l have a very real talent

for sucking cock on camera.

Next thing you know,
five years pass

without even blinking.

The coke might have helped
with that,

the non-blinking part.

And then one day, Riley
locks herself in a motel room

and blows her brains out.

- Oh, my God.

- l found out later
her stepfather

was blackmailing her,
the same prick

who had abused her
since she was ten.

What else is new?

My childhood wasn't
all that different.

- l'm so sorry.

- Hey,
what's that saying,

"One man's trash
is another man's treasure"?

Someone else might have turned
my childhood

into a heartbreaking novel.

Not me.

Not yet anyway.

- So are you famous?

- Yeah.

- Really famous?

- Well. . .okay.

Tyra Doright and Christy Climax
are probably

the most popular girls right now
in terms of web traffic.

But the Tyra Talking Love Doll
is seriously overpriced at $225,

and the arms don't even move
in all directions,

whereas the anatomically correct
Elektra Luxx Vagina Deluxe

retails for 89 bucks and comes
in three different colors.

lt is the number one selling
celebrity vagina on the market.

- Hold on.

Strangers purchase a replica
of your vagina?

- lt vibrates, and it squirts.

[chuckles]

Oh, life is so fucking weird.

l don't even know
what to think sometimes.

[crashing noise]

- This is the Los Angeles
Fire Department.

Anybody still in here?

- We're in the elevator!

Hey!
Can you hear us?

- Yeah, hold on.
l'll get you right out.

Hey, you guys okay?

- l actually brought her
another espresso

because l did not want her
to say that she was asleep

when l talked to her.

- l can't think of any moment
in my life

that l'd like to relive.

l find myself not really being
nostalgic about anything.

But that can't be, can it?

- l just want to tell her
to just quit caterwauling around

like a goddamned puma
and get her ass in gear.

Mom, just get your act together.

- You're hot.

l'd bang you.
l think about it.

But l don't tell you.
Why?

lt's like a seesaw
in my head.

- Because in my bones,
l know the feeling.

l mean, l think l know.

- And l see that on the tray
are two little fortune cookies,

and l start to crack it open,
and l see the slip.

But l-at this point,
l can't read it

because my eyes
are so fricking swollen.

- l turn the lights down low.

Create a little atmosphere.

- So l bring the waiter over.

l said, "Can you please-

"can you please
just read this to me?

lt's my fortune."

- Yes, no, yes, no,
yes, no.

- l have nostalgia
for something.

lt just hasn't happened yet.

But it's gonna happen,
because if it doesn't,

it's all shit.

The whole point is. . .

like La Migra,
you know what l mean?

Like, l'm Mexico,
and she's America.

- A day without wearing a kilt
is like a day without sunshine.

- l mean, something's
gonna happen.

lt has to, right?

- But when l slipped
into the dress,

l felt. . .

fat.

- l need your encouragement
here.

l'm paralyzed by all this guilt.

- l'm young,
but l understand loneliness

and how hard it can be.

- What the fuck does that-
what is that?

- l mean, do you-
do you want me

to compliment you
on your cleavage?

- l need you to tell me
that it's okay.

- l mean, isn't "no"
really mean "yes"?

- Maxine,
it's time to wake up.

Maxine, you got to wake up now.

- Maxine, wake up.

- What?
l'm listening.

- We're here.

- Oh, okay.

[police chatter on radio]

[mumbling]

- Where-where have you-
are you all right?

- Thank God
you're home.

- Thank you.

- Bambi.

- Have we met?
- No.

You're off the hook with me,
lamb chops.

l'm just making sure
she got home safe.

- Well, l thank you for that.

Can l, uh, call you a cab?

- What happened?

- Ah, the neighbors.

Yeah, it's been a crazy night.

You want-l can call you a cab.

- No, what happened to 'em?

- l'm not entirely sure.

Some guys he owed money to
were threatening him

or beating him up or something,
and he had a heart attack.

- Oh, that's awful.

ls he gonna make it?

- Travis.
- Yeah, coming.

l don't really know.

Kind of a shady character.

You sure l can't pay
for your cab fare?

- You know, l'm gonna take
the bus, l think.

- Well, let me cover that.

That's the least l can do.

There you go.

- Actually, uh. . .

that's the least you can do,
all right?

- For the bus?
- For whatever's next.

lt's a long way to go.

No telling what fun and games
the gods have in store.

Good luck, Travis.

- Good luck to you too, Bambi.

- Ah, Travis.

l'm gonna take these off
and take that off.

This is impossible.

Okay.

Can you help me with these?

l'll be ready in just a minute.

l think you should, um. . .

We should start,
though, okay?

l'm gonna be right with you.

Okay, okay.

Now you start.

[tender guitar music]

♪ ♪

[soft piano and guitar music]

♪ ♪

- l'll call you back.

You all right?

- Was that her?

- Yeah.

- What'd she say?

- She was worried about you.

- [scoffs]

Unbelievable.

Both of you.

- Maxine-
- Did you fuck me?

- What?

- A simple yes or no.
Did you fuck me?

- No.

- l don't remember
taking my clothes off.

- l helped you
with your clothes.

- Hmm.
What a gentleman.

- Well, you were very drunk
when you got home.

- Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.

l'm still drunk,
but l'm not an idiot,

so you don't have to talk to me
like l'm an idiot.

- l'm not.
- Don't.

l know what you're doing.

- l'm not doing anything, okay?

l'm just trying to explain

that when you came home,
you were wasted.

Your words.

- Now you're quoting me?

[laughs]

That is so condescending.

- Well, l'm sorry,
'cause l didn't mean it

to sound condescending.

- Oh, of course not.
What did you mean?

- What l meant was. . .

nothing happened tonight.

- Nothing happened tonight.

You have a way with words.

- ln bed.
With us.

- That's a shame.

- Why?

- 'Cause you're never gonna get
to fuck me again.

- Why don't you just go
back to sleep?

We'll just talk about it
in the morning, okay?

Okay.

- [whimpers]

But did you want to?

- What?

- Did you want to fuck me?

- No.

l mean, of course.

- [sobbing]

l want you to fall in love
with me again.

l've had other offers too.

From younger guys, richer guys,
even your friends,

but you're the one
that l want to be with.

That's what we agreed.

And now you go and do this,

and l'm gonna change everything
that l believe in.

Everything!

But l don't want to,
because you're the one

that l want to live with.

Oh, God.

- Okay, we're gonna
figure this out, all right?

Tomorrow.

Everything's clearer
in the morning, okay?

- [sniffles]

- You need something
to help you sleep?

Okay.

[phone vibrates]

- Are you going to get that?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- l'm sure.

- Mm-hmm.

[phone continues vibrating]

- God damn it, Maxine.

- Listen to me carefully,
you whiny psycho bitch.

You can't have him.

So pull your Botox head
out of your skanky little ass

and get yourself a fucking life
of your own.

You are not allowed
to borrow mine!

- Maxine.

- To think of the unbearable
amount of hours

listening to your pathetic
motherhood hang-ups

and your embarrassing jealousy
of your sister

and those excruciating dreams

of opening
that stupid restaurant,

which you're never actually
gonna do because-

What?
- Maxine, what's going on?

- Who is this?

- Open the door.
What is going on?

- Hold on!

What happened to her?

- Come on, Maxine.
Please.

- Shut up!

No, not you, Officer.

ls she gonna make it?

She ran her car into a pole.

[tires screeching
and glass shattering]

The officer on site called
the last number she dialed

and said it's pretty serious.

You should go.

- l'm gonna stay.

- Travis,
she's in the emergency room.

She shouldn't be alone.

- Well, l'll call her sister,
and she can go.

She's her family.

- Do what you got to do.

- What l go to do is stay here.

- lt's a little late
for these gestures.

- You don't have to talk to me.

You don't have to look at me.

You don't even have to be
in the same room as me.

Just go to sleep.

l'm gonna put on a pot
of coffee,

and l'm gonna stay right here.

- Good night.

- Oh.
[laughs]

l'm sorry.
- Who are you?

- l forgot.
l'm...

l'm Rita's roommate.

- Who?

- The bartender
from Ruby's Caribbean.

She said you got attacked
in the parking lot tonight

or something.

- Oh, yeah.

- She gave you a couple Valiums,

so that's probably
what you're feeling right now.

- Right.

What's that?

- Oh, it's for work.

l'm a masseuse.

- Oh, hi, Mama.

- No, a masseuse.

l do body work.

My name is Darby.

- Oh, hi.
l'm-l'm Holly.

- So, look, if you want
to go back to sleep, l can. . .

- No.
No, really.

l'm-l'm good.
l'm good.

So. . .

where are you from?

- Oh, l'm Canadian.

- Wow.
Cool.

- Yeah, you ever been?

- No.

But l love the food.

- Um, do you know the guys
that did this to you?

- No, no.

- l guess some days
are stranger than others.

- Yeah.

- Whenever something
really weird happens to me,

l think it's, like,
a life marker.

l say to myself, "Darby,

"you are alive,
and the time is now.

Today is a day
you will not forget."

- Yeah.

And it's also my birthday.

- [gasps]

Today is your birthday?

No shit?
Oh, my gosh.

We should have a drink
to celebrate.

- No, l really-
l can't hold my liquor.

But you should.

- Well, fuck.

You know what, let me give you
a birthday massage.

- No.

No, you really-
l couldn't.

Oh.

- Your neck is like a rock,
like you smashed it.

- Oh, yeah,
l got hit by a car today.

Twice.

- Jesus, quite the birthday,
huh?

- Yeah.

- Do you spend a lot of time
sitting at work?

- Some positions, l guess.

- Hmm.

- Ahh.

- So before getting attacked
and before getting run over,

did you do anything special
for your birthday?

- Oh.

Not really.

l mean, l, um. . .

l went to work,
and then l went to the gym.

And then my best friend
called me to go work with her,

but that didn't really pan out.

And then we met this woman
who took us to the bar,

and she got tanked,
and, um. . .

my friend ended up
taking her home and, um. . .

[sobbing]

- lt's okay.

Just let it out.

Your body's been through
some major, major trauma.

- lt's not that.

lt's just Bambi.

She didn't-

she didn't even remember
it was my birthday,

and that's why l thought
she was calling to begin with.

l was sure she had some surprise
planned for me or something,

and she just wanted me
to tag-team some guy.

She's so stupid,
she doesn't even realize

that l have feelings for her.

[sniffles]

l-l felt so nervous,

'cause even though
it was a fake thing,

just a pony show
for some cheese ball,

l thought, "You know,
she's finally gonna get it."

The whole thing got interrupted,

and she spent the whole night
making fun of me.

And l'm so bad at my job,

l'm afraid
nobody's gonna hire me

'cause l get embarrassed
talking dirty

and l can't eat pussy.

lt's just a matter of time
before they realize

that l'm the lamest
porn star ever.

- Well, l'm sure it's not
as bad as it seems.

- lt's pretty awful.

- Well, have you thought
about a new career?

- Yeah.

But l'm so dumb,
l'm not good at anything.

- You're just being hard
on yourself.

- No, l'm being honest.

You know, everybody laughs
at me.

They don't even have
the courtesy

to do it behind my back.

When those men came
at me tonight,

l thought, "This is it.
l'm dead.

"And l haven't even done
anything with my life

"or had the chance to tell her
about Ringo and the puking

so she'd understand."

- Tell who?

Who's Ringo?

- He was my dog when l was 1 2.
Golden retriever.

- What happened to him?

- God, he was. . .

he was always
humping everything.

lt was like,
"Get off me, you pig."

[laughter]

Nonstop.

And he really was
the horniest dog.

l mean, something was wrong
with him.

l've never told anybody
this before.

Okay.

What happened was, l, um. . .

l had all these
magazine articles spread out.

l was doing this school project,
this collage on rock formations.

My legs were in a V.

l was only wearing a T-shirt
and panties.

And Ringo comes running in
to play...

And he starts licking my knee,
which was funny, you know?

And then. . .

all of a sudden, he. . .

starts moving up my thigh,
sniffing.

And l got this tingle.

So out of curiosity,

and because my mother
was asleep,

l moved my panties aside.
Let him investigate.

So he just stuck his nose
in there

and started licking
between my lips.

And he was so gentle
and tireless.

l mean, that dog could have
kept licking all night.

And, you know, it felt so good.

To this day, l haven't had
better head.

So l laid down,

and l took off my underpants,
and l let him go to town

when-when. . .

out of nowhere, l hear my mom
yelling hysterically,

beating the dog
with a wet mop.

l mean, it was like
she was possessed.

She wouldn't talk to me
for a week.

And then one day, l came home,
and Ringo was gone.

And she said he ran away,
but l knew she was lying.

And that summer,

l found his collar and bones
buried in the backyard.

- Holly, that's horrible.

- [sobbing]

l can't believe-

l can't believe l told you that.

- lt's okay.

- So now. . .

every time
l go down on a girl,

l think of Ringo, and everything
just comes up in me.

l can't-l can't control it.

- Of course.

But now you've acknowledged it.

lt's time to just move on.

The body doesn't want
to hold on to these things.

lt just wants to let it go.

- You're so understanding.

You don't think l'm disgusting?

- Of course not.

- l'm not some immortal whore?

- You mean immoral?

- Yeah, that's what l mean.

- Sweetie. . .

l think when it comes
to pleasure,

if it feels good
and you're not hurting anyone,

then forget about morals.

What your mother did-

that was immoral.

- She had my uncle shoot Ringo
in the head.

- Well, that's just pure evil.

- l. . .

l think l'm cured.

No, l think l just-
l needed to tell somebody.

Thank you.

- Oh, sweetie,
don't mention it.

- No, l need
to pay you back somehow.

- Do not be silly.

- No, l would feel
so much better

if you'd just lie down
and let me give you head.

- [laughs]
What?

l don't even know you.

- lt would mean so much to me.

- You should be doing this
with Bambi.

- Look, l could use
the practice.

Come on, my treat.

Please.

- l have to pee first.

- [sighs]

Blessed Mary, mother of mercy,

no matter what Bambi says
about you not being a virgin,

l still believe in you

and implore
your divine guidance.

Please, please, please

help me not to barf
all over that nice Canadian girl

as l pay her back
for her kindness.

Amen.

[dog barks]

[up-tempo acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- l always wanted
to learn Chinese.

l don't know why, but ever since
l was a little girl.

Hello?

Darby?

- Hey.

ls Holly still here?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- This is her friend Bambi.

- Oh, hey, Bambi.
Come on in.

- You're not wearing any pants.

- lt was, uh, really stuffy
in here.

Holly's in the bathroom.

- [vomiting]

- l think the Valium
didn't sit well.

- Or maybe some Mexican food.

- Poor thing's been through
a lot today.

- Do you want a drink?

- Oh, l could use a beer.
- l'm fine.

- Okay.

- You and Darby. . .

- On and off.

She's young.

- Really?

l couldn't tell.

- How about you and, uh. . .

- Oh, no.

Holly's totally straight.

We're super tight, though.

Starsky and Hutch tight.

- Okay.

Here you go.

Cheers.
[toilet flushes]

[door opens]

- What are you doing here?

- l came back to the bar.

Rita told me what happened.

- You came back for me?

- Of course l came back.

lt's past midnight.

lt's officially your birthday.

- Technically,
it was my birthday yesterday,

but it's the thought
that counts.

- Your birthday's
on the 1 6th, Holly.

- Right.
Yesterday.

- No, today is the 1 6th.

- Today is my birthday?

- Happy birthday, you goofball.

[laughs]

l got the whole day planned.

Let's go get some sleep.

- Mm.

- Oh, don't forget your bag.

- Thank you.

[no audio]

[monitor beeping]

- Doris.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Of course.

- l had no right
to call you like this.

l do have friends.

l am not a weirdo.

- Stop apologizing.
lt's fine.

- l just couldn't deal
with any of them tonight.

- l don't sleep much anyway.

- lt's so late.
You must think l'm crazy.

- What happened?

- She was driving, not drunk,

and somehow lost control
of the vehicle

and smashed
into a telephone pole.

The car is totaled.

She's got a bunch
of broken bones,

and they won't let me see her.

- Okay, let's not panic
till the doctor comes out.

Coffee or tea?

- lt doesn't matter.

Thank you.
You're an angel.

- Who's this?

She's so big.

- You don't have to whisper.

She sleeps through earthquakes.

l got a call
from Addy's shrink's husband,

the shrink
l was telling you about.

Somehow they contacted
them first,

and then l had to pick up
Charlotte at a sleepover,

and by the time l got here,

they were already rushing her
into the operating room.

She was probably on the phone.

She gets so distracted.

And the last conversation
l had with her,

l was such a bitch.

Let's talk about something else.

How are you feeling?

- l'm good.

- You're eating right?
Taking care of yourself?

- Since l last saw you,
l took a shower,

l had a soup and a salad,
and peed twice.

- And the father?

- What about him?

- Does he know?
- No.

- Are you gonna tell him?

- l thought l was, but,
uh, he won't call me back.

- Typical.

- lt's too bad,

'cause under
different circumstances,

l could almost see us together.

- Never say never.

- No, l mean really different
circumstances,

like an alternate universe.

He's a sweet guy.

- Handsome?

- Handsome.

- Married?

- Single.

- Rich?
- Very.

- Call him back.

- lt would never work.

Not with my past.

- l think you're
shortchanging yourself.

What you've done before
doesn't count.

lt's what you're going to do
from now on.

- Sounds nice.

But that's not the real world.

Anyway, l'm not even sure
l'm gonna have the baby, so. . .

- Are you with Miss Hunter?

- l'm her sister.

- The doctor says
you can come in,

but just one of you.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Where's Doris?

- Oh, uh, she went to talk
to the doctor.

She'll be back soon.

- Who are you?

- l'm Elektra.

- l'm Charlotte.

- l know.

lt's good to meet you.

You thirsty or anything?

- No.

Cigarette?

- l can't, thanks.

- You mind if l do?

- l don't think you're allowed
in here.

- We'll see.

- [breathes deeply]

Okay, l'll have one.

Thanks.

- Doris says some stores

carry a plastic replica
of your vagina.

- She said that?

- l didn't believe her.

- lt's true.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- That's weird.

What do people do with it?

- Well. . .

l guess some people have
strange tastes in decorating.

You know, it's-
it's like a novelty item.

- What's a novelty?

- Like a funny thing
that doesn't really-

l mean, it has a use,
but it's also like a...

boy.

l'll have to think about that.

- Maybe l could bring one
into school.

- l don't think that would be-

l'm not sure
how that would go over.

- We could use it for sex ed
instead of those lame pictures.

- Why don't we read a magazine?

Here.

- Here's a good one.

"Man jailed
over his wife's breasts.

"London, July 3rd.

"A London man has been sentenced
to 20 months in jail

"for reportedly kidnapping
his wife

"to stop her from having surgery
to enlarge her breasts.

"Deckland Summer, 31 ,
told his wife, Emma,

"'Don't do it,' while dragging
her out of the hospital,

"where she was waiting
to have the operation,

"The Sun reported Wednesday.

"He said he had a knife
and would kill her

"if she did not come with him.

"The woman managed to escape
from Summer

"and ran into an office
before collapsing.

"Hospital worker Luanna Ali
told police he said to her,

"'l like you as you are.
l will kill you now.'

"Since then, Emma, 25,
has left her husband

"and also decided to forgo

the breast enhancement
operation."

So kind of a happy ending.

- He loved her the way she was.

lt's not easy
to find a guy like that.

- But he was crazy.

- Which is not hard to find.

- Do you have fake boobs?

- No.

You?

- l'm only 1 3.

- Mm, people start early
these days.

- l thought all porn stars
had fake boobs.

- Did Doris say that too?

- She said you were an actress

- [laughs]

You guys are really open
with each other.

- Yep.

Why do they call them
adult movies

if they're so juvenile?

- lt's a euphemism.

- What's a euphemism?

- Uh, a polite way
of saying something

that drags all the fun
out of saying it.

- Like saying a plastic vagina's
a novelty item?

- [chuckles]

You're a smart kid.

What else did your-
did Doris say?

- That in your heart,
you already quit your job,

but you don't know it yet,

and that you're yearning
to become a person of substance.

- Hmm.

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

- The rock music world
is in shock

with the news that Nick Chapel,

the drummer for the popular
rock band Midnight Love Parade,

has been found dead
in the lavatory

of a commercial airliner.

lnvestigators found
drug paraphernalia on Chapel

and are handling this as
a possible accidental overdose.

The female flight attendant
was in hysterics

as the plane touched down
in New York City,

where Chapel was scheduled
to play tonight.

[dull thud]

[metallic clanging]

- Elektra.

Elektra, can you hear me?

Wake up.

- Hey.

- Hey there.

- Did l faint?

- At least you were
in the perfect place.

- Where's Charlotte?

- She went to get a snack.

- l like her.

- She's a little weird.

- l've never liked
any kid before,

even as a kid.

How's your sister?

- Well. . .

they are reconstructing her face
as we speak.

Those are their exact words.

They say that the plastic
surgeon is the best of the best

and she's gonna be just fine.

- Thank God.
- Thank God.

- You believe in God?

- Right now, yes.

- l'd like to believe.

But l don't know.

l look around the world,

and l'm in a constant state
of disbelief.

- Charlotte told me about Nick.

ls he the father?

Did you love him?

- lt's starting to dawn on me
that maybe l did.

But l never told him.

You know, the last guy
l really liked,

we dated for a couple months.

l didn't know
if he knew about me,

and l didn't want to ask.

But anyway. . .

the day after l finally went
to bed with him,

he asked me for my autograph.

- Hmph.

- He was almost sweet about it.

"l can't believe l fucked
Elektra Luxx," he told me.

He wanted to share it with me,
with his friends,

with the world.

With Nick, l just didn't
want him to think

l was some groupie stalker
after his money.

l just wanted so badly
not to hide anything anymore,

you know, to tell the truth.

- So tell me.

- What?

- Pretend l'm Nick.

Tell me the truth.

l mean, you planned your speech.

You've rehearsed it
in front of the mirror,

or l know l would have.

- [laughs]

- Let me hear it.

- Okay.

Nick,

l've done 62 X-rated movies,

35 box covers,

a thousand club appearances.

l have 20 fan clubs,
my own website.

A conservative estimate
would place

the amount of people l've fucked
in the mid-hundreds.

l've dated movie stars,
politicians,

and a pair of twin mafioso
restaurant chefs

who nearly got me arrested
by drug enforcement agents.

l've had my amphetamine phase,
my coke phase,

my three-cigarette-pack-a-day
phase.

l haven't talked to a single
member of my family-

drunks and religious
psychopaths,

each and every one of them-
in ten years.

l've had three abortions,

been kicked out
of my last four apartments. . .

And l have never, ever
had anyone

kiss me like you do.

- That's beautiful.

- [laughs]

But it's too late.

l mean, if we don't tell people
how we feel,

what are we doing here?

You need to tell Charlotte.

- l know.

Once Addy's better and-

- No, she needs to know now.

- Now is not a good time.

- But there is no good time.

There is no right time.

There is only now.

Your entire life can change
in five minutes.

Less.

- Charlotte.

- l can't decide
which looks less appealing.

- l got to talk to you.

- Did she decide
to keep the baby?

- l don't know.

lt's not about that.

l think we should sit down.

So. . .

a long time ago,

when l was a lot younger,
before you were born,

l did something,

some things,
that l'm not entirely. . .

Let me rephrase that.

- Drugs?

- No, not drugs.

lt's not that kind of a story.

l mean, l have done drugs,
but that's not what l. . .

[sobbing]

You know l love you
above and beyond words.

l would never abandon you.

[sobbing]

- l know, Mom.

- What?

- l said, "l know."

- What did you say after that?

- l found my birth certificate
a couple weeks ago.

- [sniffles]

What?

Why didn't you say so?

- l don't-
l don't know.

l guess. . .

l guess l felt bad
for Mo-l mean Addy.

- She's still your mom too.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

And as soon as she's better,

we're gonna decide
how to work this.

But l wanted
to talk to you first,

because, first and foremost,
l wanted so see

if you'll take me back
as your mom.

l'm reapplying for the job.

[sobbing]

- l'm a lot of work.

- l know.

[laughs]

- Excuse me, Miss Hunter.

Your sister's out of the OR.

You can both go see her now.

- Thank you.

- After Addy gets better,
can we all go on a road trip?

- Great idea.

- Can Elektra come too?

- We can ask her.

- l think she's gonna keep
the baby.

- You do?
How come?

- Because l tested her earlier.

l asked her
if she wanted to smoke,

and she said she couldn't.

- Very sneaky.

- Besides, if she has the baby,
then she can quit her job,

because she'll be a millionaire.

- Huh.

When did you get to be
so clever?

- Genetic, l guess.

Speaking of which,
when are going to tell me

about my dad?

- Hmm.
What do you want to know?

His name is George.

He's back in prison.

- His name is George?

What's his last name?

- Katz.

- Charlotte Katz-Hunter.

That is the worst name
l have ever heard.

- Nobody's forcing you
to take his last name.

- Can l change my middle name?

- You don't have a middle name.

- l know, but l want
to change my name

to Charlotte D. Hunter.

- What does the D stand for?

- Danger.

- Danger is your middle name?

- Danger is my middle name.

- lt's good.
l like that.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You know ♪

♪ Time will make a mess of you ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ lt always gets
the best of you ♪

♪ There's so many good guys ♪

♪ Can you find one? ♪

♪ l just want to be loved ♪

♪ ls that too much ♪

♪ To ask? ♪

♪ l know ♪

♪ Life is always meaningless ♪

♪ l know ♪

♪ Life is always bleeding ♪

♪ Yes, there's so many
wise guys ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Then there's you and me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ l just want to be loved ♪

♪ ls that too much ♪

♪ To ask? ♪

♪ l just want to be loved ♪

♪ ls that too much to ask? ♪

♪ Too much ♪

♪ To ask? ♪

- Hi, l'm Bert Rodriguez, and
this is En Pelotas magazine,

the adult Latin world's
numero uno source

for breaking sexy news.

l'm here on the set of

Even Reverse Cowgirls
Get the Blues

with two hotties
who need no introductions.

Holly, would you like
to do the honors?

- Excuse me?

- You want to introduce
yourself?

- Oh, we've totally met.

We're in the movie together.

- He means to the camera,
sweetie.

- For all our viewers out there.

- Okay, l'm lost.

Your name's Bert, right?

- l'm correspondent/blogger
Bert Rodriguez, and you are. . .

- Holly.
- Exactly.

Uber hot up-and-comer
Holly Rocket

sitting alongside
adult film industry legend

and, if l may,
the foxiest fuck bunny

ever captured on video,
Elektra Luxx.

- [laughs]

That's very sweet.

Thank you.

- So. . .

Holly.

What was it like when you heard
you'd be doing scenes

with Elektra?

- Wow.

l mean, l was-
l was really pinching myself.

l mean, Elektra's the reason

l got in the business
to begin with, you know.

God, l am blessed.
lt's like one big wet dream.

- Oh.
- lt's true.

- l'm like,
"Wow, she's licking my nipple,"

or, "That's Elektra Luxx's toe
in my butt."

l mean, it's-
it's really wild.

- That's so nice of you.

- But it's true.

And l've been learning so much
just watching you.

l mean, the way
you fill the camera.

- She's great.
- No, no.

l'm the biggest klutz, okay?

l'm always elbowing
the boom guy.

But she has
this supernatural sense

of everything around her,
you know?

Oh, and then
the hipster coin trick

and-and eye contact.

- Eye con-
that's your trademark.

You-you make eye contact
with the camera in a way

so the viewer at home,
he feels like, "Wow,"

like it's him
you're getting it on with.

- Or her.

- Or her.
Certainly.

How did you come up with that?

- Well, l've always been
very comfortable

with my fellow performers.

But at first, the camera made me
self-conscious.

- [laughs]
That's hard to believe.

- Well, until l realized
the camera's

just another character
in the scene,

the main character, really.

- l wish l was the camera.

- So when l look at the camera,

it's like l'm letting the viewer
in on my little secret.

lt's a playful relationship.

- "Playful" being
the operative word,

and that's it.
- Bert.

Hey, you want to just
take that question?

Let me ask you.

You're famous for making
eye contact with the camera

in a way that makes the viewer
at home feel like, "Wow,"

like it's him
you're getting it on with.

How'd you come up with that?

- Wait, is he in the biz, too?

- l'm sorry.
You're right.

- lt's okay.

- l was totally unprofessional.

- No, let's move on.

Forget it.

- lt's just l was really excited
to meet you.

l mean, you don't know me
from Adam,

but l grew up watching you.

l mean, l know every inch
of your body

like the back of my hand.

- lt's okay.
Next question.

- Adam who?

- l'll tell you later.

- We have some questions
from our website.

We conduct fan polls
to determine

the greatest porn stars in
a bunch of different categories

from the typical
"best ass, mouth, legs,"

to more specialized stuff,

"best undresser,"
"best facial reaction,"

"sexiest moan during orgasm."

Um, let's see.

Elektra.

Right now, overall,
you are at 94%.

- Wow.
That's-that's historic.

And, Holly,
you're coming up strong,

90%, which is unheard of
for a newcomer.

You have "best legs" right now
by a landslide.

- She does.

- So here are some questions
submitted by our fans.

- Wait.

Do we-do we have to do
this part?

- Don't worry.
l'll help you.

- Holly,

"A man gives you a suitcase
with a million dollars.

"The catch is, if you accept it,
a Chinese man will drop

"in the middle of the street
and die.

What do you do?"

- l would pay
for the man's funeral

and then donate money
to improve street conditions

in China so that more people
won't die.

- "Elektra,

"what was the character name
of the professional wrestler

that Rocky fights
in Rocky lll?"

- What?
- Ooh, ooh.

- You know this?
- Yeah, Mr. T.

- That is incorrect.

The correct answer
is Thunderlips.

- Huh, l was in a movie
called ThunderIips.

- Back to Holly.

"Who was the only Beatle
whose first wife

was not pregnant
when they married?"

- Who came up
with these questions?

- The Japanese lady?

- Sorry.
The correct answer is George.

- Uh, don't feel bad.
This is crazy.

- Number three,
for you, Elektra.

"What is the name
of a whale's penis?"

- What the fuck?

- Whale cock!

- lt's not your turn, Holly.

- lt can't possibly be
whale cock, can it?

- l'm afraid that is wrong.

The name for a whale's penis
is dork.

- Dork.
- Huh.

- Yep, the blue whale
has the biggest dork.

Ten feet long.

- Jesus.
- How state-of-the-art.

- Final question,
extra credit for both of you.

"Two people stand back-to-back
then walk 30 feet,

"turn left,
and walk another 40 feet.

How far apart are they?"

- What kind of porn site
is this?

There-there is no way
you know this.

lt's some kind
of triangulation formula.

- lt's simple trig, l think.

- Simple trig?
Who are you?

- My mom was a math teacher.

lt's one thing l'm good at.

Pythagorean theorem:

A squared plus B squared
equals C squared.

So the two people
are making two, um. . .

What's the word?
Um. . .

- Um, interconnected?
- No, conjoined.

The two people are making
two conjoined triangles.

You can solve for C
on one triangle

and then double it.

So if A equals 30
and B equals 40,

then A squared equals 900
and B squared equals 1 ,600,

which would mean C squared
equals 2,500.

The square root of that is 50.

Multiply that times 2,
which would be...

- 1 00.
- 1 00.

The people are 1 00 feet away
from each other,

which would mean
that one person's in the kitchen

and the other person's
watching TV.

- That is 1 ,000% correct.

- What just happened?

- Will the jerk-off
blocking the loading dock

with a '79 Toyota Corolla
move it immediately, please?

- Fuck.

- Oh, is that you?

- What-did he say?
Did he say Corolla?

- Uh-huh.
- Uh, yeah.

- Do you think-
l don't really-

- They do tow.
- Yeah.

- You should check it out.

- Shit.
l'm so sorry.

l will-l'll be right back.

- Wow.

You could get a PhD, you know?

- l know.

That's why l get tested
twice a year.

Nobody thinks
it can happen to them,

but anyone can get a PhD.

Make sure you get tested.

Thank you.