Original subtitles

Oh, Will You're hot early

I mean, you're here handsome

I'm sorry

Would you like some sex in your coffee?

You know, you learn a lot you get here early

For instance, I was happy to learn that the woman

who vacuums and the guy

who empties the trash are having an affair

I was not so happy to learn it was on my desk

Do you want me to confirm your dinner reservation with Barry?

No, cancel it

Barry and I are over

You can cancel the weekend in Key West too

I think I'd look a little pathetic in the pool having a splash fight

with a blowup doll

You know, I love Key West

Yeah, well, pack your bags I'll bring the bubbly

- Oh, God, I can't breathe! - No, Connie, I can't--

All right, I'm here

Terrific

Everybody from The Matrix called They want their coat back

I just wanted to make sure that you're okay after the whole Barry thing

For the record I never liked him

- You liked him - I did

- but he was no good for you - He was perfect for me

He kinda was

Look, I'm fine We--we had like, what, two dates?

I spend more time on hold trying to vote for "American Idol."

I guess you're right

I mean, it's not like you were planning weekend trips with him

Yeah, that'd be pathetic

Well, just so you know I'm here for you

Just like you're always here for me

What do you need?

I want to borrow your apartment this afternoon

I'm making a sexy video to send to Leo

Why do you have to use my apartment?

I want to be dirty in a clean place

Well, just make sure you're clean in your dirty place

Truman

I want you to go help Short Margaret with her depositions

and Black Margaret with her appeal

They're in over their heads especially Short Margaret

Would you do that for me... Gay Will?

See ya

Who are you?

Oh, I was just leaving

And, uh, by the way

- Barry wasn't really that cute - He was totally cute

He was It was a major loss

Stay strong

Sorry about that, Mr. Stein

I was sort of dating someone and it didn't work out

It's no big deal She's just very protective--

Mr. Stein, what are you doing?

I recognize heartache

My wife just left me

Well, it was 15 years ago, but

I'm reliving it because of these new meds I'm taking

And if I remember correctly from our last uncomfortable hug

that's a new shampoo too

Come on let's go have a drink

Sir, it's 8:00 in the morning

We'll have some eggs too

Hi, Leo It's me, Grace

I thought I would make you a sexy video

And why am I making this sexy video in Will's apartment?

Because things could get messy

Emmm

Ew, sour strawberry sour strawberry

Oh, bad angle Hi, lover

- What the hell?? - Aah! What--

Jack, what are you doing here?!

I live here when Will's at work

Well, get out

I'm making a sexy videotape for Leo

and I'm not going to do it with you in the room

Sweetie, baby cookie, honey...

What you're sellin' I ain't buyin'.

Hi, Leo, I'm back

I... love to love you, baby...

Oh....

And cut

Eating and singing?

Why don't you just sit on the toilet and pick at your feet?

Excuse me

I think I know how to turn a man on

I certainly didn't pass my driver's test by learning

how to parallel park

Sugar...

You're tryin' a little hard

- I am trying to be sexy - But you don't have to try

You're naturally sexy I mean, just like now

- Really? - Well, not now

You know what the problem is? You're too self-conscious

You need to come to my acting class

I've helped a lot of people lose their inhibitions

and get in touch with their sexuality

And by theirs I often mean mine

Forget it

I'm not taking tips from a man whose most notable credit is

Shakespeare in the Pants

A'ight, suit yourself

But you watch that tape

I think you'll find yourself a little stiff

And you'll be the only one!

I really liked Barry Why didn't he like me?

Will, love is mysterious

It's just like my wife always used to say

"Stein, you're needy, pathetic and a rotten lover."

That doesn't make me feel any better

How do you think it made me feel?

It's just that he's someone I could really see having a future with

I wanted to come home to him every day and say

"Hey, honey, what's for dinner?"

And he'd say

"I don't feel like cooking Let's go out."

And I'd say, "We always go out Put down the scotch and pick up a wisk."

"Why are you crying now?!"

It's not sexy but it's what I grew up with

Now, when you say "he," you're talking about a man

Yes

But Barry is a girl

No...he's a man

That's why they call you "Gay Will"!

Oh, hey, look who it is It's Will and Grace

No, no, Karen Karen, Karen

this is Mr. Stein of Doucette and Stein / Oh

Mr. Stein, this is Karen Walker of drunk and delusional

A pleasure to meet you

Smitty, the usual So what are we celebrating?

Well, I'm afraid you've stumbled on a bit of a lonely hearts club

Will and I were just swapping stories about lost loves

Me and my wife he and his gal / Guy

Guy

Well, deal me in

I've got a lifetime membership to the losers club. Hm-mm

I've been dumped by one-ton billionaires

heads of state, and every member of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

but I'm not naming names

What's so great about another person, huh?

All they do is manhandle your boobs and eat all the ham

Yeah, and get hair gel on your pillow and

rearrange your bedside figurines

And cut your ties in half and make you call yourself "Nancy."

A toast...

- love stinks - How sad

Hear

Attention, please! Attention!

Please take your seats Class is in session

Thought for the day:

Though the eyes are the windows to your soul

the zipper is the window to your underwear

Who is prepared to perform?

- I am - Ah, Joanne

Always with your hand in the air

One day that hand's gonna be up in the air on Broadway

Perhaps in a musical perhaps just hailing a cab

All right, what do you got?

I did some preparation for my audition this afternoon

- I'd like to get some thoughts - That's what we're here for. And action

Thanks, Imodium

Hm-mm, mm-hmm hm-mm. All right

Now, are you gonna wear your hair up or down?

Because you're trying to reach people with cramps, bloating

and explosive diarrhea

That, to me, says down

- All right, now-- - Hi. I'm--I'm sorry to interrupt

Um, Jack, can I talk to you just for a sec?

Well, Grace whatever you have to say

you can say it in front of my class

We expose ourselves to each other every single day

Ooh, that reminds me Russell, take off your shirt

and tell your lawyer to stop calling me

And scene Nice work

Um, well, Jack I-I watched the tape

and you were right I was kind of repulsive

Oh, sweetie...

"Kind of"?

Do you really think that you could help me?

'Cause I'll do anything except whatever he did

Sure, come on up here Come on up here. Come on

Hm-mm, uppity-up

Now, we're gonna try something new today, class

It is called "Improv,"

which is short for improving, okay?

Okay, Grace, are you ready?

Wow, I didn't realize I was gonna have to do this

in front of so many people

I mean, there's almost five of you here

Now, whatever I throw at you you just do it, ok?

Are you ready?

- And you're a cat - Meow

- But sexy - Meow

- You're walking in mud - Meow?!

Not the cat, you

Huh? / All right, forget it All right, let's--

This isn't working Let's try something

a little more relatable Okay?

Um... You're a mailbox

But you're the sexiest mailbox ever / Ahh...

Who likes to dance...

An Irish jig...

With one leg, on fire underwater, who's sexy--

- Where'd the cat go?! - Stop it!

I can't do this!

God, I'm so confused I'm a cat. I'm a mailbox

I'm a cat box

Grace, Grace

you've gotta be more patient I know I can help you through this

When Russell first came to me he had no grasp of Pinter

Now he grasps his Pinter every day

Forget it

I'll just get Leo tapes from that season on "Party of Five"

when Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs grew 15 inches over two episodes

Okay. Welcome to the second meeting of the loser's club

Let me get you a drink, sir

Maybe I'll get some snacks while I'm at it

Maybe some mozzarella sticks and a big pile of peanuts

What the hell, I'm alone, right? I might as well be fat and shiny

They ain't love handles if nobody loves ya

- He's nice- Oh

- I love our little club - Me too

- You know what I'd love more? - Tell me

You and me making dirty on a squeaky cot

You read my mind

I just had a great idea

Let's go to the video store and take all the romantic comedies

and put them in the science fiction section

To spite

To spite

- My tongue is double-jointed - What?

- To spite - To spite

I... love to love you, baby

I~~~

Aaaahh!!

- You sick, twisted freak! - No, no, no, no

- Let me explain! - You videotaped me in the shower?!

- That is such a violation! - But--

- I don't want to hear it! - You were sexy!

I'm listening!

I-I-I figured if you didn't know I was there, you'd be yourself

And you were

Watch the tape if you don't believe me

You were free and uninhibited

Oh, my God you were there for that part?

Don't... Don't worry I'm going to score that section...

with violins...

and maybe a slide whistle for comedy

That's not what it looked like!

I'm a very thorough soaper

- On the house - Thank you very much

We just got engaged

You sure you wanna do that?

Yeah, I love him

Sure, now Hell, I love him now

But wait a minute and a half Let me tell you something

Love is like a horse-drawn carriage ride

It seems romantic at first but eventually you realize you're cold

and you're staring at an ass that craps right in front of you

- Oh, my God, you're horrible! - Honey--

Come on, you were thinkin' it too

Hey!

Where have you guys been? You missed it

I think I just broke up an engagement

And they're young too

Sorry we're late, Will Something came up

I don't get it What's funny?

Well, things that come up are often funny, Will

especially if they haven't come up since 1997 / Oh, stop it

&nbsp

Oh, look, look The engaged guy's flirting with

the cocktail waitress

- Which one is he, hon? - He's right over there

Oh, look, the fiancee's coming back

I think she threw up Sweet!

Watch them and tell us what happens / Okay

Ooh, they're fighting

Oh, my God, I hope she slaps him

Hey, I'm dry Where's the barkeep?

Sweetie, he's right behind you

Oops! Sorry I thought it was her

Although it was nice

Wait a minute Are you two--

Honey, that's what happens

when an irresistible force meets an insane object

But we-- we hate love

That's our club slogan

And it's the theme of our upcoming Annual Barn Dance.

Well, we were wrong, honey

Love's good, especially the third time when you cut the oxygen off a little

- That was fantastic - Mm-hmm

I thought you were trying to kill me

Stop this!

This flies in the face of everything we stand for!

- You have to break up! - Oh, come on, Gay Will

- Aren't we allowed to be happy? - No! No, we're not

Love is a crapping horse!

All right, Joanne let's try it again

And remember, you've been unjustly accused of adultery

they've taken away your children and you've just now realized

- you're blind - Blind, got it...

And action

Today's winning Powerball numbers are 16, 53, 31, and 7

Okay All right

I want you to bring it back to me again tomorrow

But this time do it as if you're really, really... good

Now--

Ahh! Don't kill me

Jack, I'm not gonna kill you but I do need to talk to you

Okay

Class, take five

That's showbiz lingo for I'll be back whenever I feel like it

Let me just say this

One--

what you did to me is completely unforgivable

And two--

that tape was hot

So we need to make another one for Leo

'cause I'm keeping this one

So I helped you?

I guess you did

Here's the key to my apartment

I am usually in the tub around 8:00 So don't come then

And next time I'm not going to shave my legs

That part dragged a little

That's the same feedback I've been getting too--

I mean, you think?

I... love to love you, baby...

You will never believe who hooked up

Alec Baldwin and Dennis Quaid?

I was just thinking about it in the shower

Karen and Mr. Stein

Can you believe that? It's like when Drunky met Crazy

I don't know... It's kind of nice

Where are they registered the Jack Daniels distillery?

It's unnatural

Pairing up never works

When I build my ark, everyone's gonna get on one by one

Single file, no talking!

- Why do you care? - I don't!

It's just that if--if you're gonna join a lonely and bitter club

you gotta at least stay bitter

I was wondering what these buttons were about

- Why are you in this club? - Because I do care about Barry

And I did plan a trip for the two of us

I even baked him a world's best boyfriend cake

Is it in the fridge?

I mean--

Oh, Will

- Why didn't you tell me? - I can't tell you stuff like that

- Why not? - Because you've got a guy now

You know, before we were both losers

We'd come home from our dates and we'd swap our loser stories

Your date would turn out to be gay Mine would turn out to be straight

We'd laugh about it and eat some cake

- Really, is it here? - Focus

But now you got someone You're a winner

A loser can't tell a winner a story

Oh, sweetie, please

I can be married 100 years and I will still be a loser

I videotaped myself in the shower

for God's sake

Wow

Is that what it takes to get you into a shower?

Really...

- you gonna be okay? - Yeah, I think so

You need me to stay over for a couple of days?

'Cause I can do it It'd be no problem at all

Your apartment's a mess isn't it? / A total pigsty

At this point it'd just be easier to move

Will...

We have something to tell you

My boyfriend, Mr. Stein and I have decided to break up

That's right, Will

Romance comes every day but a little club like ours

that's once in a lifetime

So come on, let's go get a drink and just spit in love's eye

You just spit in my eye, sir

Well, as long as it makes you happy

You know what, guys, it's fine

Please, go back to doing whatever it was your meds

led you to believe you were actually doing

I think they're cute

Who are you?

Am I the only one who sees her?

Well, Mr Stein...

Now that we have Will's blessing how would you like to go back

to my plush suite at the Palace Hotel?

I don't know

Now that it's not forbidden it doesn't seem as exciting anymore

You're right

Hey, let's go pick up another couple

Awesome