Original subtitles

Good evening, Barry

and welcome to your date with Jack

If it goes well I'll sign it

Okay

Um, I brought a bottle of wine

It's supposedly the finest cabernet from the New Jersey wine country

Chateau Secaucus

Come in

- Hey - Hey...

you

What, w-w-what are you doing here?

What? Do I need an excuse

to see my favorite man in the whole world?

Leo's out of town and you're lonely?

Yeah, I'm bored. Let's watch the Surgery Channel

- Comin' in? - I-I-I-in a second

Oh. Right

Go out into the hallway to, uh...

relax

You know...

so it doesn't cloud the apartment

I don't do that

Neither do I Let's go in

W-w-w-- What's the rush?

Okay, wait a second

Does Jack have his date with Barry tonight?

Is that tonight? I don't think that's tonight

Please! You're totally spying on him

I am not

What kind of a world do you live in

when the only reason people are in a hallway

is to either fart or spy?

Well, if you're not spying

then go into your apartment like a normal person

Fine. I will

Aren't you coming?

- In a second - Ugh!

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Hello? Maintenance?

This is Mrs. Walker in 5319

Mm-hmm

I'd like to put my drink on the mantel

Could you send someone over to move the fireplace?

Here, Rosie you try one

You do it I'm not in the mood

What's the matter, Ro-Ro?

You've been kinda grumpy all day

Where's the usual lumber in your step?

It's this new uniform you got me

It's too tight, it's itchy

I can barely breathe

Why, you ingrate How dare you complain?

When I found you, you were boxing donkeys for money

You pulled me out of business school you tipsy witch

I ain't wearing it

Oh. Why not?

Seems perfectly fine to me

Look, I can do everything you do in it

I can eat Ang, ang, ang, ang, ang

And I can sleep Cccrrrr

Oh, wait

Watch this

And I can steal

Shh

Heh-heh-heh! Shh

Can you walk through doors?

No

Hey Hey, let me in

Let me in

Hello

I didn't know there was a new maid working on this floor

What?!

I've never seen someone so beautiful

How long have you been working here?

Two weeks

Mm. Mm-hmm, nutty

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm Oak-y...

Mm, with just a hint of embalming fluid

Hey, just, uh taking out the trash

Anybody got any trash in here?

Trash? Uh, no, we're good

Hey. Where's the chef?

I thought you were gonna have a chef cook you dinner

Uh, we sent him home He wasn't attractive

- I thought he was really cute - That's what I mean

Good-bye

Oh, hey, is that salad?

God, I'm a fan of salad

Mm

Well, what kind of lettuce isn't in this?

It's fantastic

What are you guys doin'?

We're on a date!

Oh, my God

This is so embarrassing

I-I--please, just d-don't let me interrupt

Excuse me

You wanna go out with me?

Uh, kind of already on a date

I don't mean now, but

how quickly can you wrap things up here?

Excuse me

Tartlets for two

It's okay, I was just leaving

What do you say?

Gasp!

You just asked him out on a date

while he's on a date with me?

Will Truman! That is despicable!

And totally one of my moves Out in the hall now!

Rosie!

I just met the most incredible man

Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?

No, no

He's like a dream

like that place I go to to work

Engineering Here to check the thermostat

Oh, that's him

Rosie, quick!

Do I look as bad as you?

What's going on?

Well-- He thinks I'm a maid You have to pretend you're me

Okay, I'll take out my heart and sell my soul to the devil

We don't he time for that Here, put this on

Hurry, hurry

Okay

Oh...

Mrs. Walker?

That's right

- Hi, there - Hi

Shut your mouth, maid! My jewelry might fall out

What a monster

Who taught her to talk to another human being like that?

I have no idea

Of course, you don't

We're different from them you and I

The rich

They think they're so much better than we are

But we have one thing they'll never have

Rickets?

- Pride - Pride!

The true pride that comes of a hard day's work

of having friends not possessions

Of measuring your accomplishments in love given, not dollars spent

Dollars...

Will you go out with me tonight? / Yes!

C'mon, d-do you even like him?

I like how I look when I'm next to him

And he's, he's not as cumbersome

as carrying a pomeranian

Wow, you've, you've fallen harder than I thought

Look, why don't we just ask Barry who he's more interested in?

Okay, a-and whoever he says that's who gets him

- Okay, fine - Good

Now, this is a very delicate situation

I hope we can handle it with mutual respect and dignity

As do I

Barry-- Hey!

You know the best part about dating men?

A lot more slapstick

Okay, Barry, I know this is--

this seems weird, but

w-w-we got a problem See, I, I like you

Oh, sure, now that you're hot

But remember when he turned you down before

when you were hideous?

No

It's just that I--

now I've gotten to know you better and I want to spend time with you

I want us to date

But you can't date both of us because we're best friends

and I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with Will

who wears a wig and a truss

So who are you gonna choose?

Me, who genuinely cares for you

a-and really believes that we could make something great?

Or me

Try that

I-I-I don't know what to say

I-I like both you guys you know

in, in different ways

But I guess if I had to pick one of you, um

I-it would have to be...

Will

Yes! Yes! What?!

You're spectacular

I'm the envy of every maintenance man in this hotel

Today...

I walk with the pride of a bellman

Would you look at this waste?

Jerks in the penthouse ordered all this food

and didn't even touch it

- You guys want it? - Oh, yeah--

No! We do not need their castoffs

Here

It's humble, but honest

Oh

Thank you

It's thoughtful, but dry

I'll get you some mayo

The mayo of the people

I've never seen a maid like you before

Where you from exactly?

Oh. I'm from...

Margaritaville

So, you excited about your big date?

Are you kidding? I'm so confident about this

that I've already signed us up for couples counseling

Hello

Nice shirt

Somewhere, a ballerina is shivering

Hey, Grace

What are you doin' tonight?

'Cause I'm suddenly in the market for a new best friend

Here, let's see if we click

I'll say something witty

and then you say something back Okay?

Let's go

I'm very handsome

Jack, you're acting like a baby / Oh, how droll

Let's never be apart

You're being ridiculous

Okay, he chose me over you

Do you think that makes me happy?

Stop smiling It's unnatural on you

A smile on you is like a nice pair of legs on a chimp

C'mon

I don't feel any better about this than you do

Stop it!

Jack, he isn't laughing at you

He's just laughing with me, at you

Well, I'm glad this is amusing both of you

Go on, laugh

Laugh at the sad, gay clown!

I curse your date!

A pox on both your entrees

Yeah, made the right choice

Karen, are you okay?

You haven't been to work in three days

Things are really gettin' done It's freakin' me out

Karen?

Hello-- Ow!

Karen?

Just because I'm the new girl

they think they can give me the cart with the bum wheel!

And I'm short two shower caps and a sewing kit

and you know that's comin' out of my pay!

Housekeeping

Okay, here's a personality...

I've never met before

Thought I knew all of them

What's your name?

Actually, I'm kinda glad you're here

I could use some advice

Well, um, first of all...

You dust with the feather end not the stick end

Hm. Better

Listen

I have this friend who lives at The Palace Hotel

And she and her maid Ro--

Mosario...

switched places so that my friend could pose as a poor

but honest chambermaid to woo a hunky maintenance man

Now my friend's fallen in love with him

and she's afraid that if she tells him the truth

he'll leave her

Hey, hands off my friend's cart!

So, you're afraid...

that a poor janitor might not love you

because you're rich?

Not me, my friend!

Well, the way I see it is

if the guy really loves her

he'll look past the money

and see a pure heart the size of a marble

Yeah. Maybe you're right

Thanks, honey

Now if you'll excuse me

I have to turn down the beds and put a mint on each pi--

Hey, where are my mints?

I don't know....

Can someone help this man?

I think he's looking for a copy of Boyfriend Stealer Weekly

C'mon, Jack

You're not still upset about me and Barry?

Okay, I guess I'll just have to stop seeing him

I mean, no guy is worth jeopardizing our friendship

Reluctant pivot inquisitive head tilt

I mean, sure, we've had fantastic dates all week

talked and laughed

had feisty debates and comfortable silences

feisty silences and comfortable debates

silently debated the comforts of feistiness

but...

if our being together is gonna upset you in any way

I'll give him up

Good I think you should

No way! Are you crazy?

I'm really into Barry

He's the first guy in a long time I've felt this way about

who's not, you know, an arrow shooting elf from Lord of the Rings

So just get over it and get happy for me

No!

If you continue dating Barry I will never forgive you

You look older when you're angry

You're a gorgeous couple

When are you seeing him again?

Tomorrow night

Although, I was, I was kind of thinking of

dropping by his place right now

and surprising him with I don't know, Chinese food

You think I should?

Abs-and-pecks-olutely

It's very romantic

And moo goo gai pan is the food of love

Really?

Why do you think there's so many Chinese people?

Thanks, Jack

You're the best

Ah... Bemused brow raise

shake of head

- Will - Hey!

Hey, I brought some Chinese food over

I though maybe we could, uh...

order a pizza

That sounds really nice, but, um...

I kind of have plans tonight

Oh? Well, what kind of plans?

Kind of a date

Oh

Okay. Um...

Uh, you know wh--

I'm-- Huh-- I'm just gonna say this

I like you, Barry

I-I-I don't wanna date anybody else

and I...I was kinda hoping you didn't want to either

But, you were the one who said

I, I should play the field for a while

that I won't know if I met the right guy until I see what's out there

You wanna know what's out there?

Half a million guys in lycra tank tops going

"Girlfriend!"

Yeah, you could play the field for a while

but what you're eventually gonna find out is that...

Well...

I'm the right guy

So skip the middle part Forget the dating around

I'm, I'm mid... to...

to early 30...mish

I-I-I-I've done this already

But I haven't

Right

So now you don't have to

But I want to

Oh

Look, Will you're great

but I've only been out a month

And I've only been good-looking a week

I need to see what's out there

I wanna do a share on Fire Island

I wanna see Cher in Vegas

I want a, I want a drag name

Something like "Kitty Litter."

So, y-you... you don't wanna...

I'm sorry

Look, um, I-I don't have to leave for a bit

Stay. I'll um I'll heat up this...

Order a pizza

Yeah, you know, I-I-I should, um

I should go

So, I'll, uh...

I'll, I'll see you around

You're unlike any woman I've ever met

- So good, so real - Oh

I know it's only been a short while, but

I feel as if I know everything there is to know about you

- Me too - I love you, Lopita

Wait. No

This isn't right

Or is it the rightest thing ever?

No. It's all a lie

I'm not who you think I am

I'm not good or real

I'm evil and imaginary

And I'm rich

Filthy rich!

I, I don't understand

I'm not a maid

I'm a snoot, a swell, a fat cat

Look at these soft, unlined breasts

They've never done an honest day's work in their lives

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you

I've been looking at your breasts

My name is Karen Walker

and I'm the opposite of everything you stand for

I'm uptown, you're downtown

I'm upstairs, you're downstairs

I'm uppers... I'm downers

Do you think that there's any way

that you could ever love someone as rich and powerful as me?

- Sure - Really?

Of course

You're my soul mate I love you, rich or poor

Oh, darling

I've waited my whole life for this moment

Let's celebrate

This calls for champagne

- I don't drink - It can't work

We're from two different worlds