Original subtitles

So anyway, when Leo got the call from Doctors Without Borders

he didn't wanna go but I insisted

And if that makes me a hero, so be it

You're the hero in a lotta your stories

Thank you

So, now he's in Africa--

Oh, you're gonna love this

He was responsible--

--And it made him insane with malaria

But if I could just get serious for a moment

I really feel like things--

Five, four, three, two...

Oh, Will, there you are I'm sorry I'm late

The cast of Urinetown is after me

Simple misunderstanding

How's my hair?

I told them I wanted it to look "second-day-dirty."

Delicious, your ears have never looked better

- Why my ears? - Learn to take a compliment

Here's the bill for "Red McChatty" back there

Get the next one shampooed

I'm gonna go out back and smoke

whatever's in the bottom of my pocket

Actually, your next one Barry, isn't here yet

But we'll be making his decisions for him

Yeah, he's 35 He just came out of the closet

We've been working with him for the last few weeks

to get him ready for the HRC Gala tonight

I hear what you're saying:

"Tonight, are you mad?

He should've had his hair cut a week ago

it would have time to set, that's Hair 101."

Yeah, but we had a dilemma

You see, his body was in worse shape than his hair

so we had to send him to a fat farm

He thought he was going to a spa Isn't that great?

Why is everyone talking to me today?

Um... Anyway, this is how we want his hair cut, okay?

Chunky, but not too chunky

PC, but not too PC

And gay, but not too gay

Yeah, we want him to be cruised in Chelsea

but not beat up in Brooklyn

Oh, crap, here she comes!

Hey So, how's my hair look?

Delicious

Your ears have never looked better

Thank you

And you two look great

And I'm not saying that just because I feel so good about myself right now

Well, you know, it's a big night

Every a-list gay will be there

You know, the creme de la creme of the creme de la femme

And I am not leaving that benefit until I get serious with at least five guys

Hey...

Hey, the Human Rights Campaign is not some silly dating service

It's an essential advocacy group for gay and lesbian issues

How did that sound? Too smart to land a hot dumb guy?

Careful with those tips

I want them nice and pointy in case I have to stab someone in the neck

My, my, my, my, my

If it isn't my dear friend Karen Walker

So nice to see you

Why, Beverley Leslie

if you'd sit on a phone book it'd be nice to see you too

Oh, honey, I haven't had a chance to tell you how sorry

it was to hear about your poor wife, Crystal

Is she any better?

Well, it was a dicey experimental surgery

But those Dominican doctors said if she wanted to look 70 again

she'd just have to try it

And yet, she lived through it

You must have been devastated

Oh, I'll survive

But poor you...

Your husband, Stanley Walker

dumps you for a younger hootchie mama

who serves soft potatoes

He went from smashed to mashed

I have to laugh to keep from crying

Ow!

Will, Jack

this whole day has been a disaster

D. I. Saster

The plane from the S & M camp you call a spa took off a half-hour late

So what do I do?

I eat a muffin

Sure, I spit most of it into a trash can like they taught me, but

I accidentally swallowed a few crumbs

and god help me...

maybe a nut

Now I'm late

Oh! I look awful!

My hair is never gonna look good

It's stringy and ugly, and I'm fat!

Yikes, that was a little much

What a drama queen

- Our little boy's growing up - I'm so proud

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Barry, it's okay you didn't like Broken Hearts Club or Kiss Me, Guido

Let me tell you a little secret

that we try to keep within the community

Gay movies suck

But, until the laws change

we're still obligated to go see 'em

- Will? - In here!

Look, don't sweat it Call me anytime

I'll see you tonight

Okay, huge news...huge!

Barry has decided to shave his beard

That's it?

Are you kidding?

His beard is his last connection to his closeted life

Well, unless he's gonna shave it off with his feet

I still don't see the bigness

Trust me, this is a huge event in his life

And it should be marked in some meaningful way

Damn, I wish there was time to bake peanut butter cookies

Can we change the subject to something important?

What am I wearing to this party tonight?

Okay, dressing for these things

it's always a fine line

How do I turn on the gay guys without arousing the lesbians?

Heh

Barry's got a new tux

He didn't want me to see it until tonight...

Wanted to surprise me

Isn't that adorable?

Yeah, cute as a box of babies

Okay, this one's slitty

This one's slutty

This one's titty

This one's butty

Okay, here's some accessories and lingerie

Mix and match, enjoy

Oh...

What?

This is gonna kill you

I doubt it

Barry went to Barney's to pick out his first gym bag

Can you imagine what that was like?

I can...

And it's not very interesting

Man, the way you're going on about him

it's like you--

You like him

What?! Barry?

Come on, Barry's not my type

Don't give me that

I know all the signs

You talk about him constantly

You wanna bake cookies for him

Your face lights up with a huge grin

every time his name is mentioned

- No, it doesn't - Barry

Oh, for crying out loud this is ridiculous

I just walked up a flight of stairs

What, did they put this here

just so that the queens could make an entrance?

No...!

And don't talk like that

This organization is dedicated to

breaking down those kind of stereotypes

Hello, girls!

Dolly's back in town

I'm a-go working....

Somewhere, Rip Taylor is saying

"Now, that's faggy."

So whatcha doin'?

- Waitin' for your date? - Barry is not my date

Yet, you admit you love him

If I care for him it is only in the way

that a mentor cares for his student

You know, the way-- the way, in My Fair Lady

Henry Higgins cared for Eliza Doolittle

Henry Higgins loved Eliza

He grew accustomed to her face

That's love

Oh, please, if there was any love in that story

it was between Higgins and Pickering

You're nuts

Two confirmed bachelors in their late fifties

whose idea of a good time is dressing

Audrey Hepburn in fabulous Edith Head outfits?

Oh, they were gay, my friend

They were gay

Ladies, gentlemen

and undecided...

I'd like you to meet someone

He's been plucked, coiffed

buffed, and fluffed

May I present to you...

My cousin Barry!

Wow, he's hot!

The final test, Grace finds him attractive

He's gay, all right

Where's Will? I haven't seen him all night

Oh, you know...

Will likes to do his own thing at these events

He's probably sucking down ten crab cakes

before he makes a desperate move on some ugly waiter

Hi. I'm Byron--

Ah, sorry!

He's not interested

Move along Buh-bye, Byron

Buh-bye. Buh-bye

Why did you do that? He seemed great

You just rejected one of the hottest guys here

Everyone will be talking about it

Look around

Your mystique level just went up like, 158 points

Wow, 42 more I can upgrade to business gay

Heh-heh

Funny

But when you say something witty at a party

you should always appear bored

take a sip of your drink and look away

That way, it'll seem like it happens all the time

Okay?

Par example:

Though two rights might make a wrong

a rolling butt gathers no moss

I see...

But that wasn't really a joke, was it?

It was pretty much just a random selection of words

Exactly... My four-fingered friend

Hey, some party, huh?

I just saw two guys meet, marry, split up

and then get back together again for the sake of the Eames furniture

It's amazing

I've never seen so many good-looking guys in one room

Hey! You can include yourself in that, mister

Doesn't he look good, Will?

Yeah, he--he looks great

Yeah

Check out his pecs

It's like he's got a granite bra on

Come on, feel 'em

Come on, Will, objectify me

No... I-I-I got crab cake on my fingers

I-I need to get a-a-a...

crab cake... removal... system

Oy

There's some cute guys here, huh?

Too bad they're all 'mos

Ha ha ha...

It doesn't really matter to me I'm a lesbian

Oh...

Honey, we're all lesbians when the right guy isn't around, huh?

Now, I wanna buy a little somethin' for my Jackie

Somethin' shiny... but non-toxic

'cause you know it's just gonna end up in his mouth

You don't buy things

It's a silent auction

You write down your bid

We'll announce the winners at the end of the night

and the money goes to help enact hate-crime laws and battle prejudice

Oh... And they say lesbians aren't funny

Here's an exciting item, uh...

a gourmet chef comes to your house

and prepares a romantic dinner for two

Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear, coach

But, uh, I just got out of a relationship

and I think it's a little early, okay?

But I think Jackie might like it Yeah

Mm-hmm

Not so fast

I want that dinner too

Well, what are you doing here you frosted mini-wheat?

Now, you know the plight of the homosexual

is a cause dear to my wife Crystal's heart

So I plan on taking her money and purchasing

that dinner for me and my business associate, Benji

Oh, I love gay events

Just got my eyebrows waxed in the men's room

Meanwhile, in the ladies room

I learned how to rewire a lamp

- What's with the puss? - How could you do this to me?

Why would you tell me that I like Barry?

- Because you do like him - That's not the point

I was perfectly happy not knowing how I felt

Now I feel all--all raw and self-conscious

like--like a stewardess without makeup

- Thanks a lot, Grace - Stop it

You always do this

Instead of allowing yourself to feel--

Oh, I don't know, excited or happy or vulnerable

- you just go straight to anger - No, I don't

Oh, really?

How do you feel about the ending of Titanic?

Oh, that was just stupid!

Of course they hit an iceberg!

Two guys in the crow's nest a ship that big?!

Come on, Will, it's okay

You can like him

I do

I like him so much

Look at him

- Ask him out - Nah, nah, I don't know...

Okay, you listen to me

You are a gorgeous man

who is smart, sexy, and kind

Wow...

How many deviled eggs did you have?

Okay, just go up to him and talk to him

and say what you feel

He'd be so lucky to have you

I will. I will

I-I-I gotta go to the men's room

My eyebrows are too bushy

Thanks, sweetie

Yeah, that's okay

That dinner is mine

you sad, pickled woman!

It's mine, Baby Gap!

All right! Top that...

Mrs. Walker

I can't

Since Stan left me

I can't throw around money with the same ease

that I can throw around you

I'm out, you happy now?

Oh! What kind of human being would I be

if I couldn't ring joy from a dear friend's misery?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well...enjoy your dinner

You're short

Will

Will, look at our boy

Isn't he doing great?

I'm so proud of us

We should win an award

I don't think they give out awards for helping people be gay

Well... unless you count the Tonys

Look, I gotta go to the little boys room

My hose is riding up

You're wearing pantyhose?

No

Come on You go--

Go keep an eye on Barry

He doesn't understand how predatory some of these guys can be

Ooh, excuse me

I see a defenseless queerling

who's wandered away from the flock

Why haven't you talked to him yet?

I'm intimidated, okay?

It's like I've--

I've created a guy that's too hot for me to date

It's the same reason Dr. Frankenstein didn't date his monster

What?

Dr. Frankenstein wasn't a homo

Oh, really?

He sewed together a bunch of guys to create the perfect man?

Wrapped him in linen

Give him a flat head so you can set a drink on it

Dr. Frank was a 'mo, my friend

He was a 'mo

- Go - No

Oh!

Oh, hey

Barry, I-I...

Will, you've gotta help keep me away from that auction table

I'm bidding on things I don't even want

I know

I'm up to $300 on lunch and a steam with Jerry Orbach

Hey

Wow, that guy's been checking me out all night

He's not right for you!

Why?

Oh, right Jack's rule:

Never date someone white after labor day

I'm gonna go over there Yeah, you know, but--

But Barry, don't, um...

Don't listen to his rules, okay

They're stupid

Except for that one about

waiting half an hour after eating before dating a lifeguard

But, you know...

wh-when the right guy is there

you'll know it

I don't know

Sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna find him

You will

He may even be closer than you think

In fact, um...

Barry, there's something that I've been meaning to--

Okay, everybody, listen up

The silent auction is now officially closed

Congratulations, we've raised more money here tonight

than we ever have before

We'll start by announcing our first item:

A romantic dinner for two cooked in your very own home

And the winner is...

Karen Walker

Wait, wait Ho, whoa, what?

No! No, no, that's impossible!

I was the highest bidder

You're not the highest anything!

I switched the books on you

Yeah

You've just spent a ton of Crystal's money

on two front row tickets to see the Indigo Girls

Benji! Benji!

Thank you Thank you

Gays rule!

And to show my appreciation

I would like to give my romantic dinner to my best gal pal

Jack McFarland

to share with whoever he wants

What?! What?

I won! I won!

I won!

Thank you, Karen!

Now, I know the question that's on everybody's lips

Who will I be sharing this dinner with?

Who?

Who, you? No Who? Who? Who...

Anyway, wh-where was I?

I-I--you know what

I'm just gonna come right out and say it

- Barry... - Barry!

- Would you go out-- - Would you go out with me?

- Me? - You? Him?

I can't believe you're asking me

Yeah, of course I would go out with you

Wow, it's just like you said

maybe the right guy was closer than I thought

And then, we got married

It was like a fairy tale

And on the first night of our honeymoon

he said something to me

that I have never told anyone

You're gonna love this--

--was Jewish