Original subtitles

Will, psst

What does this word mean?

Marmaduke

It's not a word it's a cartoon dog

Okay... Use it in a sentence

Marmaduke, you're an idiot

Well, I've been using it wrong

Karen, what's wrong?

You've hardly touched your muffin

Oh, honey, c'mon

Since Stan and I split

I've done nothing but touch my muffin

Ugh, now I don't even want it

I don't know what it is

Everywhere I go, I see Stan

In the thick ankles of a bakery clerk

In the sagging breasts of a bus driver

Even in the eyes of a fat baby

Wow, Karen...

He was a really fat man, wasn't he?

He sure was, Jackie

Well, Karen, maybe our little girls' night tomorrow

will help you take your mind off it

- You're gonna have a girls'-- - No

Wait, are you sure that's tomorrow night?

Lemme check my book

I've got a cute little doodle of me hanging from a rafter

Yeah, that's it

Girls' night

It's my last chance to hang with my girlfriends

before Leo gets back on Saturday

'Cause once he's home

I ain't talkin' to you bitches

Well... You know what, Joan?

That sounds swell count me in

Hey, I'll even bring some of my old 45s

Ooh, and maybe my new .38

Okay

Oh, oh. Will

I forgot my wallet

Can you get this? I'll get the next five

Yeah. Then we'll be all caught up

C'mon, Jack, we should probably go too I'll walk you

That's okay I went before I left

Well, that's good

'cause I left the plastic bag at home

Your job! You have a job

It's time to go to work

Again?

I just worked, like last Tuesday

Jack, you charge your acting students money

You have an obligation to show up and make them regret that

That's true

You know, when you see people in the movies with jobs, it just seems so fabulous

But in real life you're not properly lit

and there's no soundtrack

Ah-da-da-da-da I get this one

You realize that's my wallet

Yeah, I got it

Okay, people, who left their dog tied up with

no food, no water, and a Willie Nelson bandana?

Well, like, whoever you are you don't deserve a dog

That's why I let him go

The things you've gotta do to get a seat in this dump

Oh, my god, do you know who that is?

That's my old babysitter

- Sissy?! - What-y?

It's me Jack McFarland

- No way - Way!

- For real? - Real!

Get out of town!

- Town! - Ah!

Well, I think I can leave you two to your Mensa meeting

The last time I saw you you were nine years old

and you made us watch Auntie Mame over and over again

You did come out, didn't you?

Uh, like the next week

So, um, like, you always seemed like one of those people

who had the brains and the looks to do anything they put their mind to

What, what amazing things have you been doing?

Still babysitting

But now I have my braces off

Wow

That is so Marmaduke

Anyway after highschool I realized

I had babysat for everyone in the neighborhood

And it was like, you know "Enough! I need a change."

So, I got a Eurail pass

and I babysat my way through Europe

Wow, Sissy, you've lived a glamorous life

- Knock on wood - Yeah

Mm, these are delicious What are they?

They are Mint Milanos

Still with the expensive taste, I see

So, do you have a boyfriend?

What about that guy from the couch?

Do you still see him?

- You mean Randall? - Yeah

Yeah, we had an on again off again thing for years

You know, it was on and then it was off

and then he got married and it was on again

- More tea? - Please

God, look at you You are so grown up

Did you ever dream that one day

you would be sitting in your own apartment, drinking tea?

You know what, Sissy?

I did

But not with you

and not with tea

and definitely not in my own apartment

Oh, you know what? I better scooteroo

I'm between jobs

And I really should use my downtime

I'm way behind on my friendship bracelets

Wait, Sissy

Do you have to go?

Well, I thought you said that you were teaching a class tonight

Yeah, but I don't wanna

Work's no fun

I wanna stay here and lay with you, like we used to

I remember that sour puss

I also remember the only thing

that could turn that frown upside down

A visit from Mr. Tickle-Wickle

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

Now that's fun, okay?

Jack? Where's Jack?

Mm, that's funny

He was here a minute ago

I'm pretty sure he's not

under that pile of cushions that wasn't here before

Hmm, I think I'm just gonna lay down and relax

on this soft pile of cushions that wasn't here before

No! No!

- Sissy, I was under there - What?!

Yeah. C'mon do it again

Sorry, mister I really gotta go

Besides, it is way past your bedtime

Well, can you come back again tomorrow?

No, Sis has gotta find her next job

Wait a minute

What if this was your next job?

What if you were my babysitter again?

- I don't know, Jack - I could pay you!

Okay

I am so excited you guys are finally meeting

Julie, this is Ellen

She lives in New Jersey We went to college together

Back then, I slept with her husband

we worked through it

Ellen, this is Julie

She's a masseuse she lives next door

She touched me inappropriately once

we worked through it

- I'll get drinks - All right

So, Julie, are you married?

Yeah

He's an actor

Huh, well, "actor."

He did four student films last year

and played Aladdin at the mall

What's yours do?

Cleans his ears with his car keys

And he's an accountant

Yeah, I led with the interesting one

I'm glad you guys are getting along

I was a little worried, 'cause you both have such weird personalities

Good weird

You kidding me? She's great

I like woman who's not afraid to talk like a bowery boy and look like a mushroom

Here's to ya

Thanks

And I like a woman who's not afraid to have a glass of wine

when she's pregnant

I already had the baby

This is just fat

Heh. But, um thank you

Okay, bitches

let's get this lady love-in started

Who's up first?

Ooh, a preggie

Never done that before

And, yum

A hottie grows in Brooklyn

Karen, it's not that kind of girls' night

She's harmless, really

But just for fun

lock the door when you got to the bathroom

Oh, relax, Grace

I know how to do this

I've been in a sweat lodge

with Candi Bergen and Penny Marshall

Well, not a sweat lodge so much as Penny's Aerostar

So what are we drinkin' about?

Oh, the usual

Rob's boring, and it's his fault I'm fat

At least he works

The only thing my husband did last year is

add "Southern accent" to his resume

Oh, you wanna play this game?

My half-ton husband spent 13 months in prison

met some hussy in the cafeteria

Now they're shacked up at my mansion

sharing the bed we used to make rabid love in

If you're playing "whose husband is worse" with Karen

don't play for money

She's still collecting from Linda Hussein

C'mon, Grace

Tell us

What bugs you about Leo?

Nothing, he's perfect

Pbblt! C'mon give us somethin'!

Likes to wear your lipstick to bed

cries in the shower likes to kiss...

I'm sorry It's great

Married four months and still no problems

Unless you consider constant lovin' a problem

- Ugh - Oh, this is gross

Get her!

Whoo! That's Leo

This is the time he calls to say he loves me

My husband calls the same time every day too

Maybe one of these days I'll pick up

I'm sorry I'm late

Did I miss girls' night?

Honey, you missed "girls' night" by about a hundred years

Shut your hole you drunken doughnut

Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix

Uppers, downers and candy corn

And don't tell my doctor

he's trying to get me off sugar

Everything okay, Grace?

Um, no

That was Leo

Uh, he's not coming back for another five weeks

Why? What happened?

Um, I don't know

Uh, one of the doctors there ate some bad pork

or was eaten by a wild pig...

Um, all I know is that he--

He volunteered to stay longer

Here, honey have some party mix

You'll feel better

Or worse

That's what I love about party mix, you never know

C'mon, Jack!

The movie starts in half an hour I don't wanna miss the previews

Then I'll never know what books have been made into movies

that are now available on video

We're gonna need to use our indoor voice

I just put Jack down for his nap

and I don't need you out here yelling like the wild man from Borneo

Yeah...

We're, like, 40

So, do you think you could stop talking to me like I'm a cub scout?

Look, Jack was a little overactive today

He ate two bowls of Fruit Loops and twirled himself to tears

Interesting

Could you tell the fruit to get his loop out here?

We're going to the movies

Oh? What movie?

The new Vin Diesel thing

I don't think so

I hear it's violent, with a strong homoerotic subtext

Uh, dur

Why do you think we're going?

Sissy?! My blanky fell off the bed!

I gotta go. Bye

So, it's another month

I mean, if anything it's good news

'Cause now, I have another few weeks to do these dishes in the sink

I think there's peanut butter in the bottom of this glass

So what'd you tell him, Grace?

I told him it was fine

What else was I gonna say? He's a million miles away

- You did the right thing - I did, right?

Yes

You know, since we had our second baby

I've been wanting to take a fork and just stab Rob in the balls with it

But I'm not about to bother Rob with that at the office

Julie, do you think I did the right thing?

Yeah

You never tell guys what you're feeling

Let them figure it out on their own that you hate them

Thanks

Rosario?

Yeah, dress slutty shut up

That's my motto

Great. Okay

Thank you Guess that settles that

So, girls' night

Anyone with a uterus drinks free!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Hold on there, red

Don't you wanna hear what I have to say about this?

Well, Karen....

Yes?

Come on

What?

Well, you're... you

And?

And... Come on

- I see - Karen--

No, no, no That's all right

Honey, I understand

You think that just because my marriage failed

that I have nothing to offer

You have things to offer

You would be the first person I'd call, if I wanted...

to hurt an orphan's feelings

Well, I know more about marriage than any of these girls ever will

And if you wanted my opinion

I would tell you to grow a set pick up the phone

and call that no-good do-good husband of yours

and tell him how you feel

That you're sitting here, home alone, pissed off

while he's out there giving free boob jobs to hyenas!

But you don't care what I think so I'm outta here!

And I'm taking this with me

I'm certainly not leaving $3,000 worth of snacks

where I'm not appreciated

Yes, the files just arrived

But, Mr. Stein, there is no way I can get all this done by Monday

I do too have a life

I-- In fact, I've got plans with my friend Jack tonight

But he's napping at the moment, so--

Hello?

Hey

I thought we were going to the movies

I was looking forward to going to see Vin Diesel

I heard he's got a new facial expression

I came to get you

But that crazy lady with the rockin' body sent me away

Jack, what are you doing with her?

She is in my employ

I am a very busy man

and I need a staff

What exactly is her position?

She's my, uh... She helps me with my, um...

You know, she sometimes she sometimes--

- She's your babysitter, isn't she? - Yes! She's my babysitter

So what if she is? There's nothing wrong with that

What does she do?

Feed you, change you

pat you on the back to burp you?

Only when Mr. Gas Bubble's shy

Oh, my god, I was joking!

This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard

Well, that's what babysitters do

For babies!

What are you implying, Will?

That there's something odd about my relationship with Sissy?

Uh...dur

You're an adult, Jack

Well, I don't wanna be an adult anymore!

It's very hard!

Sissy--

Sissy takes care of me

She makes me feel good

She cuts the crusts off my sammiches

Jack, you're a grown man

A grown man does not need a babysitter

How dare you call me a grown man!

What is she doing

just walking out?

Gettin' all mad at me

What does she expect?

I should ask her for advice?

I mean, the woman once had a spirited debate

about the death penalty with a can of cashews

And somehow they swayed her

Here, you go ahead Yeah

I filled up on the cucumber sliver

Okay, fine, look

Karen is my friend

And I love her

But I mean let's face it

There are certain things that you just don't go to Karen for

Like, let's say...

any situation that you might encounter on Earth

- Right? - Right

- Right - Well...

What?

One time I dropped a Kit-Kat on the ground

And when I bent over to pick it up

Miss Karen gave me a swift kick in the tuchus

But she was right I didn't need it

Well, Karen helped me once too

Rob and I were fighting

And she gave me the number of a guy to whack him over the head with a pipe

I didn't call him

But I keep the number in my purse and that makes me smile

I hardly know her

But I was really bumming before she gave me this blue pill

Lemme tell ya I'm flying now

This party rocks

I'm sorry, was my attempt to draft a 1 billion-dollar

corporate merger keeping "wittle Jackie" awake?

You know, you shouldn't make that face

It might freeze that way

Look, William

I don't want to be the cause of any tension between you and Jack

Do you think maybe I could come in and we could talk about it?

I'm incredibly busy I don't see how that's possible

- I make killer s'mores - I'll preheat the oven

No, Leo, I'm not asking you to come home

I just want you to understand that I'm upset

That these, these decisions affect me too

and I want us to make them together

All right?

Good

I love me too

Bye, baby

Nice

Hey, you came back

Well... I got all the way home and realized...

I forgot my maid

I usually keep an extra under the mat, but...

You were right

It was better to tell him

Well, I'm glad

Honey, why didn't you ask me for my advice in the first place?

I don't know

Partly because, well...

you talk to cashews

And I guess...

because I was afraid that you might tell me what I already knew

I mean, of course I should be honest

It's just that our marriage is so new

I don't know how much conflict it can take, you know?

I mean, we've spent more time apart than we have together

So how'd it go?

Well, I could tell Leo felt bad

That felt good

You should let me help you more, honey

I know a few things and I care about you

Hmm?

Now let's get back in there

C'mon, we got a room full of lovely ladies

Let's put on some music and get those tops off

You do know that it's not that kind of girls' night?

We'll see

God, I love s'mores

Why don't you marry 'em?

Don't make me laugh

No time to laugh

Look at all this law stuff

No way I'm ever gonna get finished

Well, you know, that's one way of looking at it

But there is another way

Inch by inch foot by foot

it won't take long with the homework song

Huh?

You do one task that's all we ask

you do one more and you get another s'more--

Well, when you say it like that it does seem totally doable

Now, c'mon

- You try - Oh, I don't know

Come on

Case by case

tort by tort

sign and stamp

Hey, I finished one report

Foot by foot

mile by mile

perhaps I should try the McKendrick file

Well, well, well

So grown men don't need babysitters, huh?

She's not my babysitter

She's just singing me a little song to help me with my casework

We learned that in law school

Oh, would you just admit it?

It feels good to be taken care of

Nice work, Sissy

Hey, it was your plan smarty-pants

Wait-- You two set me up?

Mm-hmm

And it was easy

You're a whore for a s'more

Hey, there is no comparison between what happened here

and the sick relationship you two have

And blow...

Thank you

The difference is I don't need it

- What are you saying? - I believe you heard me

- What's your point? - I think you got it

- What are you implying? - What I said outright

You're a Sissy-holic

All right, all right

So what if, what if I am hooked on my babysitter?

It's a hard-candy world out there

and sometimes this fella needs a little break

- Yeah - Yeah

So if I have to pay someone $4 or $5 an hour

to help me get through it then it's worth it

- Actually, Jack, I make $40 an hour - Good-bye, Sissy

- I don't need you anymore - What are you saying?

- I believe you heard me - What's your point?

- I think you got it - What are you implying?

- Will, what am I implying? - Out, get out!

What, do I have to spell it in macaroni and spray paint it gold?

Sis... I think he's right

I think I maybe need to outgrow you

Damn it

Why does everyone outgrow me?

I mean...

I know being a babysitter is all flashy

and ooh-la-la

But you don't know the heartbreak behind it

The kids grow up

and I never see 'em again

You know, but then I ran into you

And I thought maybe there are some things that don't change

Well, Sissy, we can still hang out and be friends

and spend time together

I mean, you don't have to charge me

Yeah, I do

I need the money

I'm into Casual Corner for, like, 12 grand

I understand

It's been fun and...

I guess it had to end sometime

I'd like to propose a little toast-ess to the hostess

Here's to our little girl

You're kind

You buy clothes from stores that

otherwise would never be able to sell them

But you know what I think speaks gallons about you?

The quality of the women you attract

Honey, look around you Look around. Huh?

Perky little pregnant Ellen

Juicy Julie with her jolly jugs

My maid

And me, your best gal pal and ultimate fantasy lay

And we're all here because of you, honey

Grace Adler

Oh, god

You know my name