Original subtitles

Okay, I have a big problem with this love letter

you wrote to your husband in Africa?

Where did you get this?

I gave this to Karen to mail yesterday

Yeah, and she gave it to me to read laugh at, and make copies of

That's how we've been doing it for years

That is a gross invasion of privacy!

Besides, I thought that's what we did to Will!

Come on, you gotta throw us a little something spicy in there

Where do you keep recent photos of yourself squatting naked

on a sheepskin rug?

Right next to the picture of me doing this

All right, come over to my apartment tonight

We'll start all over

Bring some tracing paper and don't wear any underwear

Tempting...

but Will and I are getting together

Finally

It's been, like, forever

I mean, between me living in Brooklyn and him working all the time--

And now you're thinking about tracing your own thing

Ah, hey, Karen What are ya doin'?

Oh, just a sec

Stanley walker is a dirty pig and I hope he rots in hellll!

I'm good How are you guys?

- Problem with Stan? - I can't believe him

Parading around town with that new British slut of his!

Last week they had dinner at the mayor's mansion

Apparently, she spent the entire night sitting on his lap, feeding him steaks

'Ere's a nice T-bone for ya, love

Hope you saved room for a bucket of "po-tah-toes."

Oh, I regret the day I ever laid boobs on that man!

- God, that's just awful - Yeah

Okay, your turn

Kare, during all my struggles

you've constantly been partially there for me

Is there anything I can pretend to do for you now?

Well, there is, Jackie

You know, there's, uh

one last box of my personal effects at the mans

It's mostly sentimental stuff-- Old photos, birthday cards

The receipt I got when Rosario's parents sold her to me. That kinda thing

Wh-what are you saying?

I mean, would I like to spend a few unsupervised hours rummaging

through your closet?

Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?

God, that doorman's a real jerk

I lived here five years I move out

suddenly, Tony looks at me like he's never seen me before?

Tony retired at Christmas, Grace That's the new doorman, Abe

who's black, while Tony was white

I don't see people that way

So...

you ready to rock the house? You ready to kick out the jams?

Let's do it to it

- I brought the cheese - She brought the cheese!

Oh, you actually brought cheese

Yeah. Cheese night Like we used to do

Brought a little camembert a little stilton, a little gouda...

and some Kraft singles 'cause I love that clammy feeling

when you hold them up against your face

I've been off dairy for two months

Didn't I tell you?

- Did you? - I thought I did

- So, no cheese? - Sorry

But hey, hey, hey! We can still do...

movie night!

I got The Rookie I know-- Baseball, yuck

But Dennis Quaid, yum!

And Dennis Quaid in a cup... yummer

Um, I already saw that with Leo

But we were gonna see it together

Six months ago

You know what? It's fine

That just means that we have the whole night to sit here and talk. Huh?

Yes, we have tons to catch up on

What are you doing in this closet?

You look like the kind of man that should be coming out of one

I have business here

Who are you?

I might ask the same question of you

Why, I'm Jack, Karen's friend

She didn't wanna come 'cause she didn't wanna run into that British slut

With your thick Hungarian accent you obviously work here

Have you--have you met her? What's she like?

Well, she's got curly hair, like me long legs, like me

She shags like a banshee, like me

And her favorite dance move is this

So you're that tart from the prison who stole Karen's husband right out

from on top of her!

I'm the new woman in Stan's life Lorraine Finster.

Get...a load...of me

Stay away from me!

Don't look at me! Or my package!

How can I not? It's looking at me

You like it now, you should see it at night, when it's all lit up

No! No!

Karen Walker's my friend! I don't want anything to do with you!

Good day, Miss I said, good day!

Are you a dancer?

Why would you say that?

Well, it struck me that you have the bearing of a dancer

Now, perhaps I'm wrong but I was a ballerina back in the U.K.

So I tend to have a bit of an eye for these things

Well... Heh heh... In some circles I'm known as a dancer

Actually, they're not so much circles, as cages

Well...actually...

I wasn't so much a ballerina as a stripper

Bon-bon?

Uh, love one

We were both at the bottom and we pulled ourselves up

with true grit and other people's money

I admire us

I'm a little in love with you

Really?!

'Cause I feel like I could fall too But I can't! You're the enemy!

- Or am I your new best friend? - Damn, I think you are!

Honey, uh...

I'm a little concerned that you and Will aren't connecting anymore

Why do you say that?

Oh, well, you mention it in this letter you wrote to your husband in Africa

God, you people! That's awful!

Unless we're doing it to Will!

Things are weird with us

We're off

It's like we've lost our mojo

Or, in our case, our "homojo."

Well, honey, you know what you have to do, huh?

Seduce him

Yeah, go to La Perla buy some sexy thongs and bra--

-- undershirts...

Put on some Paul Anka bend him over the couch

and have at him!

You know Will and I don't have sex

Well, then, honey what's your version of sex, huh?

What gets you two excited?

- The most excited? - Uh-huh. Yeah

That would have to be without question...

- game night - Ooohh!

Game night! Ooh, sounds tedious

You should do that

You know what? You're right

We should! It is so-- It's so fun!

Every year, Joe and Larry and Rob and Ellen come over

and we have this--this big huge parlor game blowout

We play for the "Suck On It" cup

God, that's tragic! What's that?

It's a trophy

And we call it the "suck on it" cup because when you win--

And Will and I always win--

You get to turn to the losers and say, "Suck on it!!"

Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a safe?

Well, honey, what are you waiting for?

I mean, come on, call that Mo and Mary and Blob and Yellen

and get 'em over to your place!

God, this is just perfect

This is--this is just what Will and I need

Thank you, Karen

You know, sometimes even a wet brain makes sense

Hey, Kare

Hey, poodle, where have you been? I've been waiting for almost half a Xanax

Oh, you know, that closet of yours is so much fun

- Anyway, here's your stuff - Oh, Jackie, thank you

At last, I'm out of Stan's shadow Well, if I leave the Tristate area

No prob, it was cinchy So, I-I'll see ya later

Jack?

I'm sorry!

I met Stan's new girlfriend, Lorraine We spent the whole day together

It was magical Like a movie

Like something Miramax would shove down the Academy's throat

during Oscar time

There, I said it

Uh, I was just gonna ask you why my teddy is missing

Oh, I'm gonna add a flounce to make him more masculine

Anyway, Kare... you'd really like her

The three of us should go away for the weekend together

Amish country, maybe

Huh, fun

I do like a nice apple butter

So it's...it's okay?

Oh, cutie, of course it is! Come here, you!

You backstabbing boy bitch!

You are never, never seeing her again!

Do you hear me?!

You stay away from that London hog

or I'll put fishhooks in your nipples and fly you off the Chrysler Building!

You got that?!

Why do you make me do this to you?

But Lorraine's just so much fun

And I love my accent when I'm with her

It's so bleedin' 'ard to stay 'way

So what? You just met this woman and Karen's been with you

for thousands of dollars

The damn Brit gets me, Will

She sees what's underneath

Right down to the surface

So tell me, what is this "gay night" you're having?

And why isn't this invited?

It's "game night." It's nothing like "gay night."

It's a whole evening of interesting games

and someone goes home with a "Suck On It" cup

Actually, it's quite a bit like "gay night."

You know, it's good you and Grace are doing this

You guys have been really off lately

So you've noticed?

I... may have read it in a letter somewhere

Well... this is our chance to get it back

Whenever Grace and I were having problems in the past

game night was always the fix

Something about lording it over our suburban friends

with our mastery of showbiz trivia that really gets to the core of

what makes our relationship special

You know, game night even solved the big fight of '91?

Mm-hmm Mm-hmm

Don't you wanna know what that fight was about?

You know, I trust that it solved it, so...

Ready?

And go!

A duck. A chicken An emu. Uma Thurman

Shamu Okay, no. Okay

The sun The moon

Reverend Sun Myung Moon An eclipse. Eclair

Claire Danes. A great dane

Dame Judy Dench

- Dame Maggie Smith--- Enough with the dames!

Ah-ah! No talking!

- Ten seconds- Okay... Oh, a flower!

A gun! A garden! Madison Square Garden!

Time!

Garden of Eden

What?!

That's not in Midtown!

I didn't draw "Midtown."

Well, well

You just move right in, don't ya?

I guess the guy I paid to hussy-proof this place missed a few spots

Well, you must be the old Mrs. Walker

And you were married to Stan as well, weren't you?

What's that smell?

Stan's favorite perfume

Dab of roast beef behind each knocker

Lamb chops work too But I'm not here to discuss beauty tips

Where's my Jackie? Hmm?

I know you've got him And you know how I know?

Because I really think so

Well, you're mistaken

Now, I believe you know where the door is

It's the tall, square thing you go through on your way to the plastic surgeon

Why, you slimy limey! I've got half a mind to--!

No

No, I'm going to take the high road

And not just because I'm high

I'll be leaving now

Just going to take one little thing with me

Come on, Jackie

You listen to me, little missy

You may have taken my steer

but I'll be damned if you're gonna take my queer!

Come on!

Jackie, where are you going?

- B-but I-- - Come here

Jack, no Come here

Come to me

Jackie, come. Come on Oh, that's a good Jackie

- Jackie - Oh, that's a good Jackie

- Jackie, come- Come here, Jackie

- Jackie, come- Come, Jackie

Oh, looky here! Come here, Jackie, come here

All right, stop it! You're gonna make me piddle!

If you're gonna make me choose

then I choose Karen

I'm sorry, Lorraine I like you, but I love Karen

We have a special bond

And let's face it

It would take four of your boobs to fill one of her cups

Oh, poodle, do you mean it?

Of course Your boobs are huge!

Mine will be too a week from Monday

Come on, Jackie, let's go home pass out, and forget this ever happened

And I swear I'll never cheat on you again

Hey, if Karen dies I'll totally call you

Okay, going into the final round Larry and I are in first

Rob and Ellen, you're second Will and Grace, you guys are in third

Or, as we like to call it last with a big "L" for "loser!"

Hey! Hey!

We can still win this, you know

Yeah, we still have 30 seconds We can take it

Wow

That is pressure

Hope you don't crack!

See how I got in her head?

You've already been in her pants

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready Why would you think I wasn't ready?

Because earlier when we were playing charades

and I went like this you said "parmesan."

You don't realize how important cheese is until it's gone

All right, you ready?

And... Go!

Okay, uh, uh, uh, she-- she's an actress

her last name is a senator ran for President

Gore

Lesley Gore Gore Vidal

Vidal Sassoon

Paul Mitchell / No

- Lost to Nixon - Okay, Mondale

Dukakis, Humphrey

- Holly Humphrey! - Okay, time out!

Ah! You can't call time out!

Au contraire, my pregnant friend!

The timeout was established after the great bathroom controversy of 1997!

Each team may call one and only one, time out, per tournament

as long as a new clue is selected upon their return

Read your rule book! Come on, Grace!

Guys, he's right

And we're sitting in the wrong order

Here, you need to be over here...

What happened to you?

Do you know what it means if they beat us in there tonight?

It means they're gonna look at us with the same mix of pity and disgust

that we do them, and I'm not about to let that happen!

I mean-- I mean--

Will...

We've lost it

What?

Whatever it is we had... that...connection

That thing that made us...us

It's just-- it's not there anymore

Sure it is It--it--it--it's...

It's really not, is it?

No

And I don't know if it's because I got married

or because we're not living together anymore or what

but it's gone

It's like we lost our mojo

Or, in our case, our "homojo."

Get Out

- That is exactly what I said - What?! When?

The other day

- To Karen - Whoa, slow down

- You did? - Yeah

- Why didn't you call me? - I don't know, it was a gay pun

It just seemed a little small

But that's exactly what we're missing

We need to check in and not just about the big important stuff

but the little, trivial things that people really care about

It was just so much easier when we were living together

You know, I get an overzealous bikini wax that's three hours of conversation

Now, we gotta make an effort

You gotta call me...

- if you go off cheese - I know--

You're right That--that was stupid

You know, I think I might have called and then hung up

Still think we're gonna be okay?

I think we are

Promise?

Oh, look who's back It's the losers

- Losers! - Suck on it!

Suck on it!

How's that taste?! Suck on it!

- We still have a little time left - Oh, yeah, three seconds

And no one can do that Not even the great Will and Grace

Just give him the clue, Blob

Ready? Go!

- Bangs - Nancy McKeon

Yes!

- When did he ask you to mail this? - Yesterday. Read it, read it, read it

"And though I've never written one of these fan letters before, Justin..."

"I just want to wish you all the luck in the world on your solo career."

"Sincerely yours, Will Truman"!