Original subtitles

I love "24." But it's so unrealistic

I mean, it's 2 PM and he hasn't even peed yet

I've gone twice just watching it

Woof!

When did Kiefer Sutherland get so hot?

He didn't, sweetie...

Hey!

What the hell did you two Mork and Mindy looking sons of bitches do

to my cousin Barry?

You're supposed to help himbe gay but you didn't finish

The poor kid's so confused he's sitting at home

on the couch watching football in a spandex onesie

We just got started

This is a guy who 24 hours ago thought that Batman and Robin

just fought crime together / Okay

We're makin' progress

Yeah, well, step it up

The Human Rights Campaign gala is in a month

It's the social event of the gay season

Well, next to the Republican National Convention

- And I want Barry to be ready for it - Karen, he's 20 pounds overweight

he shops at Miller's Outpost and he has a beard

I don't mean "taking your mother to the Academy Awards" kind of beard

I mean actual facial hair

- He's right, Kare - Can't be done

Homo wasn't built in a day

Huh...

Well, that's too bad

'Cause I was, uh, going through my jeans this morning

and I found 20 grand in that little pocket

And I was thinking that

you guys could use that to bankroll this whole operation and, uh

keep whatever's left over for yourselves, but, oh, well

Can-- Would you just excuse us for a second?

We'll do it

And I'm sorry you had to see that

Hello

Grace! Did you just get in? How was your flight?

I live in Brooklyn I took the subway

Right, right, right So what was the in-flight movie?

Well, a smelly guy in Army fatigues did a dance for me

I love that guy He taught me this move

Why do homeless guys always wear Army stuff?

Never the Navy, never a nice pea coat, or a sailor hat

Anyway, I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up

Leo and I are having a housewarming party

Now don't freak out about getting us a present

Don't go running from store to store 'Cause everything I want is on this list

I'm not getting you another present

I haven't even got a thank-you note for the two wedding gifts I got you

Well, we need more stuff What can I tell you?

Oh, honey, I'd love to go!

Oh, Brooklyn in the winter

Oh, you know what I'm gonna use my miles!

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Karen?

Did you sync up my Palm Pilot?

I sure did, honey

I also optimized your hard drive and traced that printer problem

to a bad ethernet cable

Have I been drinking?

Come on, now honestly, honey

I'm a little more together than you think

Hey, hey Anyone order a cookie bouquet?

The talking cookies! They're baaack!

Sure, they talk

But do they listen?

Honey

What are you doing here?

I thought you were elbow deep in someone's colon

Yeah

But then the office party ended. So...

Listen, I got some bad news I don't think we can do that

- housewarming thing this weekend - No, I told you

When people complain about having to give another gift

you say that their first one never arrived

The thing is...

Do you remember the other day

I saw you in the kitchen in that mid-afternoon light

I said, "Man, you are the most beautiful woman in the world"

"How did I get so lucky?"

- Yeah - Yeah

I'm going to Africa for a month I leave on Friday / What?!

No, you're-- you're-- What?

Doctors Without Borders called

That clinic I helped set up last summer they're way understaffed

There's a virus and a vaccine And I have to be there

Plus they think I'm on "ER".

I can't believe they're having a viral outbreak the same weekend

as our housewarming party

Why do these things always happen to me?

I'm sorry, baby

I know

- I'm just gonna miss you - I know. I'm gonna miss you too

We can talk more about it later

I gotta go pick up some toys

I fathered, like, ten kids in that village If I show up empty-handed

there will be hell to pay See ya

Honey... are the cookies gone?

Okay, so we're clear on this, right?

You're gonna be in charge of Barry's body

I'm gonna work on his mind

Things like gay culture, gay politics driving up the cost of real estate

in affordable areas

Okay. But if you have his mind and I have the body, who gets the hair?

'Cause it grows out of the mind but it's still kinda part of the body

That's a very good question

And that makes me feel even better about being in charge of the mind

- We'll save the hair for last - Okay, okay, okay

This is a huge project

It's such an awesome responsibility to think of someone other than myself

I'm a good person

I'm a great person

Oh, come on, Barry This is an easy one

Um, I'm not sure

Take a guess

Salma Hayek?

Salma Hayek?!

Is that not a real person?

I don't even know how I know that name

It's Vivian Leigh from Gone With the Wind!

How can a person not know that?!

I'm tired and thirsty Can I have a Coke?

It's Diet Coke And no!

Come on! Let's go, let's go!

Push!

Remember: No pecs, no sex!

This all seems so superficial

Are gay guys only about bodies and faces?

Absolutely not

They're only about bodies

Faces you can cover up with a cute hat or leather hood

Looser, looser

Eek. Tighter, tighter Pull it in!

Okay, okay

Look, um... this move...

unless you're one of the Brady kids

should be stricken from your dance vocabulary

Okay, Barry Now, come on

Sit here, sweetheart Watch and learn, all right?

And note, these moves can also be performed on roller skates, okay?

Man, making someone gay is exhausting / Mm-hmm

I don't know how my mother did it

Hey

Oh, no Is it 5:00 already?

Yeah, the cab's out front

Boy, 28 hours on a plane

What do you bet I still won't get through the corrections?

You know

I am so proud of you

Tonight I'm gonna close my eyes and imagine I'm in Africa with you

helping the needy

Till "The Osbournes" start Then you're on your own

Okay, I gotta go save some lives

Yeah, I gotta go save 50% Barney's is having a sale

Bye

I love you

I don't blame you

Bye

Yes?

Um, if you see some cute bowls for cheap, totally stock up

And don't agree on the first price 'cause they expect you to haggle

Grace, these people don't have water

I didn't say they were good at haggling

Okay Bye

What? I'll get a bowl, okay?

I'll take their food and dump it on the ground and take the bowl

No, I just don't want you to forget to pay the gas bill

It's due on the 21st

Yeah, I'll pay them in wildebeests

Grace, I'm gonna be sub-Saharan Africa / Hey, I work too

I-I didn't say you didn't I-I just assumed

while I was gone, you'd take care of the household stuff

Oh. 'Cause I'm a housewife now?

Suddenly, I'm the woman?

Should I crank out a couple of kids while you're gone too?

Grace, I-I-I-- I really don't have time for this

I have to get to the airport and exchange my 100 American dollars

for ten billion Zairian dollars Okay?

Fine, then I'm coming with you

'Cause we haven't even begun to discuss

who's gonna wash the dishes that are still in the sink

Wow

He's pretty cute, isn't he?

Yeah

- Go talk to him - What?!

I can't do that He's out of my league

He's an all-star I'm barely in the minors

Sports again?

What did I tell you to do when those thoughts come into your head? / Right

Judy, Liza, Barbra, Bette these are names I shan't forget / Good

Or Dream Girls, CompanyChorus Line these three shows are quite divine

Come on, you can do this

That's easy for you to say You're a god.

Please A "god."

In what way am I like a god?

You're hot You're successful

Every guy in this bar is checking you out

No, they're not

Look, I was once where you are

Sorry, you're blocking their view of me

Hi

Everyone has a first time, Barry

I can't believe you were ever like me / Well, I was

In my first time in a gay bar I was no more comfortable than you are

I've just been out a couple of weeks

and Jack just decided to throw me into the deep end....

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm eating peanuts - Have you lost your mind?!

Those are little pellets of fat and breath

You might as well be chewing on loneliness

Have you asked anyone to dance? Have you talked to anybody?

Have you done anything?

I can't

I feel like everyone's judging me

Well, of course they are It's a gay bar

Now, come on

Get out there Who do you like?

What about that guy?

I saw you doing one of these when we walked in

What? That guy? No, he'd never go out with me

How do you know until you try? Come on, do it, Will

- Come on, you got nothing to lose- I'm scared

We're all scared You gotta develop thick skin

And then moisturize and sleep in gloves

Come on, go

- Jack, stop it - Go, go

- Hi, I'm Will- Zack

- I'm Will - Still Zack

Sorry

Talk to him Talk to him. Talk

Look, I've never done this before, but--

Sure, I'll go out with you

Just like that I got my first date

He ended up stealing my identity

and traveling around Europe on my credit cards

but that "yes" felt good

There's your guy Come on, make your move

Really? No, I don't know. I-I--

Come on, come on. Do it Get your "yes."

And don't give out your PIN number even if he says he needs it to

"do your chart."

Hi, I haven't done this much, but, um-- / No

Okay, how 'bout this?

I'll pay the bills but when you come home

you are going to wash the oatmeal pot

You know what, honey why don't you send me the pot?

It'll be a nice break from bringing people back from the brink of death

Brink of death?

Give me a break You're staying at a Hyatt

This is ridiculous We're here

Oh, oh, oh, look at that

You took the luggage we just got as a wedding present

I guess it's just for you

Okay, I think I know what's going on here

Oh, really? Enlighten me Mr. Take-My-Luggage

It's Doctor Take-My-Luggage

Come on, Grace

You're pickin' a fight with me 'cause you don't want to say good-bye

You're having trouble dealing with the fact that we just got married

and now I'm going away for awhile

And maybe if you're mad at me

then you won't have to deal with your real feelings about me leaving

Is any of this true?

And don't answer me with any of the sounds your dad makes after dinner

Hey! His chair makes weird sounds

When you ask him to do it again, he can't!

I have to go

Do you really want to leave it like this?

You're the one leaving!

Okay Fine

I'll see you in a month

Good-bye

- Barry, wait - Forget it, Will

Look, I appreciate everything you've done, but I want to go home

No, you can't leave You're doing great

Great?!

The guy said no before I even finished my sentence

He put his hand in my face

That's gay for "Stop in the name of love."

And then come here

I'm not an idiot

I know

It'd be a lot easier if you were Idiots do really well in these places

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

I just got three numbers

And I just stole the wallet of "Who's The Boss"'s Danny Pintauro

I'll see you guys later If I leave now

I can cry in the tub and still have time to eat everything in the fridge

Barry, don't go

Don't you want to have your first man-on-man kiss tonight

and give me something to call your religious maniac parents about?

I can't do this

Just because Will got a guy on his first night in a gay bar

doesn't mean I can

Oh, please, is that what he told you?

Well, I did score my first time out

Ish...

Come on, just go out with my friend

There's 20 bucks in it for you

Which one is he?

Okay, 40

And you can lose the 'tude

You act like you know Wham! or something

I can't-- I can't--

You paid him to go out with me?

- We talked about this - We have not!

Oh

Well, I talk to other people about it

Even I got a few miles out of that one at the family picnic

Wait, that was you?

Cousin Gina laughed so hard

coleslaw came out of the hole in her neck

Oh, boy

I gotta call that Gina She's such a--

Oh, crap

There's Danny Pintauro and he looks pissed

You are unbelievable

What's the big deal?

It's not like you just found out you're adopted...

or Canadian

The big deal is that all of my confidence as a gay man

is based on that moment

- And now it's a lie - I was just trying to help you

- the way we're helping Barry - Do not compare me to Barry!

Why not? Look at him

That wreck is you 15 years ago

Oh, please! I was never as bad as he is!

Barry's pathetic!

- Stop it - Barry

This does not concern you, okay?

We are discussing Barry right now

Stop talking about me like I'm not even here

You call me pathetic but I look at you guys

and all you care about are superficial things

like the homoerotic subtext of "The A-Team."

Or how to make your butt stand out, even in a dense fog

I didn't come out so I could be in your twisted production

of My Fairy Lady

I came out so...

I-I could find a guy and fall in love

So what do you two have to teach me?

You got a 15-year head start and you're both alone

Now who's pathetic?

Whew, I gave Pintauro the slip

Now who wants a drink? I got "Who's The Boss" money!

Ugh, he calls me selfish

When you think about it isn't helping people even more selfish?

And then he tries to make it seem like I'm unreasonable

- I'not the one being unreasonable - Grace

Yes, I am

Turn around

I can't leave it like this

And I'm telling you now if I forget to tip, it's just 'cause I'm upset

Now here's the thing If something's bothering me

I-I just say it I don't try to hide it

I don't make somebody guess what it is

I don't bury it in conversation about pots or luggage

Why should I indulge her craziness?

Because you love her

Crap! That's what the Skycap said...

Will, do you think I'm pathetic?

No, of course not

You think I'm pathetic?

Sometimes

That's not how that's supposed to go

Oh, I'm sorry I'm sorry

Gimme again gimme again

Do you think I'm pathetic?

Sometimes

He really nailed us

Shallow, vain

Are we those guys?

No

Of course not

Speaking of "veins,"

I got a new one coming in on my forearm

I think I'm gonna name him Kevin

He's absolutely right

I am alone

What makes me such an expert?

No, Jocelyn Hi, Jocelyn

Look, um, I'm sorry I think I was a little hard on you before

Don't apologize, Barry Will needed to hear it

Anyway, if you're still into it

I'd like to start training again

'Cause even if you are kinda superficial

I'd rather go through this with someone than go through it alone

We'd be honored

Plus, if you can manage it I'd really like to look like this guy

Check out those abs Aren't they fabulous?

- Was that--? - I think it was

Baby's first "fabulous."

Get the camcorder

Are those--

- Is that Gucci on your feet? - Oh, yeah

Aren't they great?

They kill my toes and cost a fortune

but what the hell? I'll take out another credit card

I think I'm gonna cry

Will, do you know what this means?

- Unrealistic body expectations - Choosing fashion over comfort

Living beyond your means

Boy George I think he's got it!

Ma'am, I need you to take your seat We're getting ready for takeoff

Yeah, I need to find my husband We're flying together

Now!

You know, you're not supposed to use that while we're taxiing

Yeah, well, you're not supposed to take two blankets either

so let's just mind our own beeswax

Hello?

- Hi, Leo - Hey

You'll never believe what I did

Um

what seat are you in?

I'm not sitting I just got home

Home?

Yeah. I just thought we needed a real good-bye

so I switched my flight to tomorrow Where are you?

Karen

Karen

Leave me alone

Karen...

Please, what do you cookies want from me?

We're not the cookies

We're the pencil sharpener!

Oh, thank God! For a second there

I thought the cookies were talking to me