Original subtitles

Beautiful

Now you do me

-Hey, Prancer -Hey, Vixen

- Hey, Blitzed - Hi

Oh, good, just in time

Can I put the star on? I wanna put the star on can I put the star on?

Cause I got a really good one this year

Now the other ornaments have something to aspire to

Yes, look at it there

Shining like a beacon of unemployment

So, Wilma, now that you've gotten rid of the old ball and chain

got any Christmas Eve plans?

Oh, yeah

I'm gonna spend the whole evening by myself

Yeah. I'm gonna string cranberries around the tree, get in my jammies

and watch every version of A Christmas Carol ever made

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And which one do you think you'll be watching

when you kick the chair out from under you?

Hey, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely

I...

am lonely

Honey, why don't you join Jackie and me in my suite at The Palace Hotel, huh?

It's gonna be a real old fashioned Christmas

The stockings will be hung by the chimney with care

And I'll be stinking drunk

And then at midnight we're going to crawl into bed

and wait for the sound of hooves on the rooftop

No, honey Rosie's not invited

So what do you say?

And pass up my annual screening of Ebbie, starring Susan Lucci

as the definitive female Scrooge?

Yeah, I'll be there at 6:00

Maybe we should invite Grace and Leo

Oh, I already invited them

What?! Before me?

No! Come on, crazy!

After I invited you!

-Geez -Gosh

- Hey hey! -Hey

- Merry Christmas! - Come on in!

- Grace and Leon! - Yeah

- Hey, feliz navi-dude - Hey

We just came by to try some of your famous Christmas cookies

Grace has been talking about 'em all week

Oh, I don't bake those till tomorrow

- See ya - Wait

Will, we brought you something for your tree

What? I thought you were against the whole tree thing 'cause you're Jewish

Well, it's your place now

I'm not gonna impose my beliefs on you

Oh.....

A star of David

what?

Who is this David?

He's completely stolen my idea

We got it as a wedding gift

Next Christmas you're getting a Seder plate

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Um, Karen, you know, I know we told you a couple of weeks ago

we were going to your thing at The Palace, but

A couple of weeks ago!

After you

But we're not gonna be able to make it 'cause we got tickets The Nutcracker

I am so jealous!

How did you get tickets for Christmas Eve?

I've been calling every day since June

That information does not leave this room

You know, it's kind of ironic, actually

I treated a guy who took a puck to the groin during a pick-up hockey game

and he gave me two tickets to The Nutcracker

Yeah, it'd be even more ironic

if the ballet were called "Crap, Now I Can't Have Kids."

Okay, you guys are you ready?

On the count of three One

I don't know about this

- Two - Really, guys

Three!

Merry Christmas, New York!

That was fun!

I'm glad I put a bow on it was a more festive message

Hey, we got a nibble

Some loser across the way spending Christmas in his bathrobe's checking us out

Hey, look! He's hot and he's waving

Come on, let's put up our stockings before Santy gets here

What?

I made it myself

My home ec teacher said I was a needlepoint prodigy

In fact, I was the only guy to have a piece in the statewide needlepoint competition

Well, the only guy who's still a guy

He's here Santa's here!

Hey, you're not Santa Claus

Close, though

You got a couple of white hairs sproutin' outta your chin

and you look like you just came down the chimney

We'd make a good team

Your nose is so red you could guide my sleigh tonight

- Merry Christmas, honey - You too, babe

Hi, G!

Hey, Kare, come help me stretch out my stocking

I don't want Santa to think I have small feet

What's going on?

I thought you'd be on your way to The Nutcracker

Leo got beeped.

All the Jewish doctors have to be on call for Christmas

In other words, all the doctors have to be on call for Christmas

So... ?

How would you like to come with me to The Nutcracker

I can't. I've got plans with Jack and Karen

Ditch 'em. Come on

I'm having fun I'm wearing a bow under here

Come on, come on it's The Nutcracker

You have loved this story ever since you were a little kid

I know. I used to go to sleep in my suit the night before

I'd get up the next morning and spend two hours getting my hair just right

-How nobody knew -Okay, tick-tock

No, I can't. I'm having fun

I respect them too much to do that to them

Oh, look, I think he's coming!

I see Santa's crack!

I'll get changed

Oh, that was intense!

What was that smell?

That was not just B.O That was B-O-My-God!

What was the scent that air freshener?

Onion and feet?

-Hey, Will. Hey, Grace -Hey, Steve. What are you doing?

Going to see the ballet I have a date

Ooh, good for you

It's my mom

Oh.... Well, that can still be fun

I don't think she's gonna show

Between you and me...

I love my husband

but I'm glad he's not here

I wouldn't want to spend tonight any other way

Grace!

Leo! Hi

What happened?

It turns out they just beeped me

'cause they wanted to know if they could eat the sesame noodles I left in the fridge

I threw a big fit last time 'cause somebody ate my lemon Yoplait

Had my name on it and everything

Let's go to the show

Yay! Oh

So this is weird

Leo just showing up and us having only two tickets

-I suppose you want me to-- -Would you mind?

No. It's Christmas

Consider it my gift to you

Although you will have to give back the other gift I gave you

I'm serious

-Get in there, Have fun -Thanks, Will

You're a prince

The next holiday is yours

New Year's-- Well, no

Valen--

Ok. I have three words for you

you, me

Purim (ǻ���� : Haman�� ���� ������ �л��� ����� �Ϳ� ���� �����)

Oh, Jackie, look at all this food

We are so blessed

I know. There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this

Honey, I know what we should do

Let's take a picture of us eating and show it to them

Wow, Karen, you are like a female Jesus

Oh, great, the food's here

I'm gonna clean up get in my robe

Tie my boys in a bow and I'll be ready

What the hell are you doing here?

What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time

I thought I could have fooled one of you with that

Leo showed up Is that eggnog?

Hey, hey, Rudeness Giuliani!

You can't just use us, toss us aside

and then waltz back in here and expect us to forgive everything

We are not sleeping together

Yeah, take off, Mary There's no room at the inn

All right, look I shouldn't have left

I really was having a good time And I want to be here now. Please?

Yeah

Okay, we will consider letting you back in

but you're gonna have to work for it

What do I have to do?

Pleasure us! Fast and nasty

And extra points if you can find a way to work in that shoeshine mitt

There isn't a mitt big enough

-Yeah -Okay

option B. You must recite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to us

Well, I can do that

But you must substitute every fifth word with the word "heinie."

And give a little kick like a Rockette

'Twas the night before heinie

And all through the heinie

Not a creature was...heinie

Not even a mouse

-Heinie -Ow!

I love that we got hot buttered rum It's so Christmassy

Yeah. It's the perfect little $80 treat before seeing The Nutcracker

Cheers

What the hell is this crap?

I know....It tastes like warm rum with butter in it. Ugh

I'm so glad we came early so we could soak up the Christmas feeling

I just love looking at the little kids all dressed up

sharing a special night with their family

Peter, I swear to God You poke her one more time

and the next book you'll be reading is

Harry Potter and the Forty-Five Minute Spanking

Can I have a hot buttered rum?

-I should warn you, they're awful -I don't care

Hopefully, Santa can swing by Child Services

Aw, damn it. Sweetie I got some bad news.

Someone's trying to break into your pants?

No, no. It's Mrs. Schuler

And I gotta go because she's having kidney failure

Christmas Eve?

Doesn't she have two kidneys?

One of them's given up, and the other one's living with her sister in Florida

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. I'll meet you home later

Okay. I'll bring you something from the hospital. You like gauze?

Bye

Hey, Grace You alone?

Oh, um... I think I am Did your mom ever show?

Yeah. Too bad, otherwise you and I coulda hooked up

You do know I'm married?

So was my ex-wife but it didn't stop her

Oh, I am full I cannot drink another bite

I think I ate too much, too

I'm gonna have to undo the bellhop's pants

Now don't poop out on me we still have to go caroling

You gotta be kidding I'm stuffed

If I open my mouth to sing half a bird would fly out

Honey, this is The Palace We don't have to go out to carol

Come in!

Here's the ice you asked for

Oh, yes, just put it right over here, bellman

Good king Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen

When the snow lay roundabout deep and crisp and even

Just the boys!

Brightly shone the moon that night though the frost was cruel

When a poor man came inside Gathering winter fuel...

Thank you, bellman That'll be all

Tha-thank you

Oh, isn't that fun?

'S open!

Problem with the heater?

Oh, yes, electrician The dial's on 74, but we'd like it on 73

Huh, yeah?

Just... hear... those...

Sleigh bells jingling ding-ding-dingling too

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo!

All done!

Thanks, honey

How 'bout that?

You know, this is a lot like the first Christmas

Except we did get a room, none of us are virgins

and instead of the baby Jesus we have a plate of cheeses

Hello? Hey

Hey, listenLeo got beeped again

So great news you get to be my date again

- Turndown service - Hold on a second, I'll get it

Come, they told me-- pa rum pa pum pum...

So, can you be here in like ten minutes?

'Cause they're blinking the lights

No, you can't keep doing this to me

Pa rum pa pum pum...

But you love The Nutcracker

You've loved it since you were a kid You've been calling for tickets since June

Hey, hey, hey! I said that was not to leave the room!

We're on an unsecured cell phone here

Oh, it's The Nutcracker, Will

Remember your childhood?

The beautiful music the magical story

the funny feeling you got in your pants every time the tin soldiers lifted each other?

I do love a toy in uniform

But, no, I can't, no, It's snowing again I'll never get a cab

Then run, Will Run through the snow

Run to The Nutcracker Run to that stirring in your pants!

I'll be there as fast as I can

guys, listen

Oh, What? You're ditching us again?

I'm sorry

Okay, this one's gonna cost you, Wilma. Jackie

In order for us to forgive you you'll perform the following task

You must sing the "Twelve Days of Christmas."

I can do that

As the Count from "Sesame Street."

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

That's one, one day!

Oh, Will, you made it. Thank you thank you, thank you, thank you

Better thank me It's freezing out there

I ran past the Zoo, and two polar bears were fighting over a pashmina

God, I love you for doing this And tonight is all about you and me

- Grace! - Leo!

Oh, come on!

What are you doing here?

I got another doctor to cover for me

You have to make out with his wife at the New Year's party

and let him videotape it but I made it

Will, what are you doing here?

I'm going to The Nutcracker What are you doing here?

I am avoiding an awkward situation by going to go pee pee

Well, here it comes Go ahead, blow me off

You know you're gonna do it

Will--

I can't believe you're blowing me off!

I changed my plans for you not one time but two times tonight

One, two, two times Damn!

It's gonna be stuck in my head till New Year's

How could you?

I don't know what else to do

Is this how it's gonna be from now on?

When he can't make it to something, I'm expected to show up.

The moment he's back, I'm out?

Will, when you say it like that you make it sound like...

You understand exactly what's happening

I'm sorry, but he's my husband

Look, I knew things were gonna change when you got married, okay?

I just never realized that--that-- that

things were gonna change when you got married

Enjoy the show

Hey, you guys work it out? 'Cause,

you know I could go read the playbill

and count the male dancers who thank their partner, "Ted."

You know what, sweetie?

I'm sorry, but I've already made plans with Will

Oh...

I didn't know that you were coming back

I sort of pulled him out of his Christmas plans, so I....

Hey, it's okay I understand

Hey, you better hurry up it's starting

You don't want to miss the almonds and pecans battling for the City of Macadamia

I have no idea what this show's about

Thanks, hon Okay, come on

Have fun

Hi. Just out of curiosity

how come your hot buttered rums are so bad?

Just forget it. I'll take another one

Leo This isn't right

You should be in there with your wife Go on in

You made a sacrifice to be here, you go

- You go - No, you

Leo, look

I'm just gonna have to accept that things are different now

that you and Grace are married

I can deal with it now or I can deal with it later

I might as well deal with it now

Yeah... You don't wanna see it, do you?

Please don't make me

I mean, I'm in there five seconds and the toys start to come to life

Man, the toys come to life?

I know. It was great when I was a kid

but as an adult you think "That couldn't happen!"

Please, go in there

No, I ain't watching no dancing toys You go

Well, we can't just leave Grace alone Somebody's gotta sit with her

Hey, guys My mom got a better offer

Looks like I'm flying solo

Oh, the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful

and since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping and I've got some corn for popping

The lights are down way down low

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow