Original subtitles

Ok, husband, I'll be right down

Oh, Leo. I'm so excited

Tonight I'm gonna sleep with a married man

Okay, you can watch

Heh heh heh

Whee! Going on my honeymoon

I'm happy for you

I've also narrowed down what I'm gonna turn your room into

It's either gonna be a home office, a gym

or a gift-wrapping room like Candy Spelling has

Ah, who am I kidding? The bows and ribbons arrive tomorrow

This sucks

How come Grace gets to go to the Caribbean, and I don't?

Trust me, poodle You don't wanna go

Two Jews on a beach?

It's gonna be a week of hunting for the highest SPF at the lowest price

You guys gonna miss me?

- Like you even have to ask! - Of course we're gonna miss you, crazy! - Hello! Go on, get out!

'Kay. See you in a week

Wow. She's really gone

I miss her already

I'm sad

New gay bar on 72nd Street!

- Let's go! - Right behind ya!

- Get down, get down - Wee, wee!

- Get down, get down - Ooh, ooh!

That gift-wrapping room's like the best thing ever

I don't know how I existed without it

I was always losing the scissors

and spreading the wrapping paper out on the floor like an animal

Okay-- And exchange

And open

Oh, my God! Smart Start!

And milk Always the perfect gift

It's so much more fun eating breakfast this way

I know

Hurry up, we've only got two hours to gift wrap lunch

Um, sweetheart?

Yes, bunny?

I think I'm gonna need my allowance a little early this week

Well, I thought you were doing well teaching your acting class

'Twas

But, um, I had to kick a student out

Yeah. Phillip wasn't willing to do what it takes to become a great actor

- He wouldn't make out with you? - All I wanted was a little Mr. French!

He got all crazy when I told him

Started hissing and spraying everywhere

He even told me he was gonna sic the gay mafia on me

Heh heh heh

Right, the gay mafia

Or as I like to call it really organized crime

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Yeah, what are they gonna do?

Measure me for concrete sneaker clogs?

They gonna make you a coiffure you can't refuse?

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha--

I don't get that one

Hey, Sam Hey, Diane

Hey, someone's got a little spring in their step

You just got a bikini wax?

I don't know People were moving around down there--

I assume something was getting done

Funny, Jack said the same thing about his last dentist appointment

Ah... listen, kids

I need your help

I'm in a little bit of a pickle

You know how I'm into Aerosmith, right?

- Yeah - Sure, go ahead

I went to see 'em play at Madison Square Garden

and invited 'em back to my suite at the Palace Hotel to party with me

- Aerosmith? - No, Madison Square Garden

Anyhoo--

Some things may have...

been set on fire

A bellboy may have been stripped and shaved

A young girl may have become a mother

Bottom line... They kicked me out

And no hotel in New York will have me And I need a place to stay

A-ha-ha-ha!

Well, you know I'd let you bunk with me

but they're gonna be shooting "Sex and the City" in my apartment all week!

Yeah, in fact, I gotta go baby-proof it

In case Sarah Jessica brings little James Wilke Jessica Broderick Parker

So, I guess that leaves--

No, no, no

No, you cannot stay here

Why don't you move in with one of your hallucinations?

All right, okay

I see what this is gonna take

Ooh, yeah

It's good to be bad, isn't it, daddy?

Whoo!

Karen, I'd ha-- What--

Okay, all right, all right Stop it!

- You can stay here-- - Ha!

But just till we work things out with the Palace

I don't know if you hypnotized me with those things or what

but I'm not afraid of flying anymore

Hey

What time does the gal come by to turn down the bed?

Karen, this is not a hotel No one will be turning your bed down

And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't keep filling up my answering machine

with complaints about room service

Well, since you bring it up

when I checked in the soaps had all been opened

and the shower cap had been used

Karen

I am trying to catch up on some work here Okay?

I've got an SEC filing that's months overdue

a product liability case that's going to trial

and, most importantly of all the firm's annual potluck dinner is coming up

and I don't want three people bringing salads like last year's fiasco

Okay, okay

Fine, I'll leave you alone

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to be loved by...

Karen! Quiet!

Quiet

Jeez Louise!

It's just a little top 40

Well, if you must do that put the headphones on

Oh, fun

If you ever want to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual, it happens every day

No matter what you say

you see it happens all the--

Where you going? I'm just about at the bridge

I can't believe I sacrificed my gift-wrapping room for you

And right around the holidays!

Morning, morning, morning

Remember we were making those jokes about the gay mafia?

I think it's for real

Of course it is

I'm sure some gay guy's getting whacked as we speak

This is serious

I think that guy I kicked out of my acting class sent them after me

I mean, look at this

That's awful

What am I looking at?

Hello?! Dry, unmanageable hair

I just got back from the salon

the center of gay culture

The shampoo boy said he was gonna put conditioner in

but I think he just went like this-- Pbllt, pbllt, Nothing

Well, that's all the proof I need

And check this out, check this out

"Sex and the City," supposed to shoot all week in my apartment?

Then for no reason--

They pulled out

- What does that have to do with anyth-- - Do I have to spell it out for you?

"Sex and the City," HBO, H-O-M-O

What do I do, Will? What do I do?!

Okay, here's the plan

Call Dorothy, tell her to meet you at the Yellow Brick Road

When you get to the end of the road you'll see a man

Ask him for a brain

Oh, Will, you would have loved this hotel

They had parasailing and scuba diving

You could go in a Jeep and scour cave walls

for markings made by the indigenous peoples

Cool

What did you do?

There was a bar in the pool

I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid

Oh, and the sunsets Amazing

I took, like, seven rolls of film just on that

You know, let's open up a bottle of wine and I'll walk you through 'em

Hey, you open the wine

I'll open the oven door and climb in

Hi, are you alone? Did anybody follow you up here?

Uh, how about "Welcome back from your honeymoon"?

Yeah, whatever, who cares

Listen, I got bigger problems, all right?

The gay mafia's put a hit out on me

What is a gay hit? "It's Raining Men"?

This is serious!

They're everywhere They control everything

Who do you think prevented that 'NSync guy from going into space?

I gotta go I gotta go

"It's not unusua-- it's not unusua--

It's not unusua-- it's not unusua-- It's not--"

Well, this is unusual

What the hell happened here?! Karen?!

Grace Adler Designs

I don't remember giving permission for a party!

It wasn't a party

You guys know how I'm into gangsta rap, right?

- Sure, go on - Yeah

All I did was invite Ol' Dirty Bastard over to watch Masterpiece Theatre

And he brought along his whole posse

And some bomb-ass chronic

Heh-heh!

Would you look at this place?

These cushions are ruined

There's beer rings all over the coffee table

Great, they broke my novelty pen from last year's Gay Games

Now when you turn it, the high-diver's Speedo doesn't come off

What am supposed to do with this pen now?

- I have a suggestion - I heard that!

All right, calm down

Hey! Don't you tell me to calm down!

Hey, can we please not do this in front of the D-R-U-N-K?

- Can I have my martini now? - No! No dessert!

- Will, she's hungry - Tough!

She's gotta learn that there are consequences to her actions!

So you are gonna sit there, on this couch

and look at Grace's honeymoon pictures!

I hate you!

Roll one

My luggage

Which brings us to roll three

Getting kicked out of the first class lounge

Oh

Hey, Grace Hey, Leo

Listen, you mind if I talk to your wife alone for a minute?

You come to Long Island you can talk to her any time you like

Hey, Karen, what's up with all the luggage?

Oh, nothing, honey

I just came by to look at all of your honeymoon pictures

Okay, now I know something's wrong What happened?

Honey, I don't wanna live with Will anymore / Why?

He has no sense of humor

He didn't laugh at all when that M-80 went off in his toilet

Well, he can get like that

So, what are you gonna do?

Oh, no problem I'm just gonna move in with you

Problem!

Hey

Look what showed up on my doorstep

Was she in a basket with a note pinned to her that said

"Please take care of my baby Love, Lucifer"?

We've got a problem

She needs a place to stay

Well, why can't she stay with you and Leo?

Come on, we're newlyweds

We wanna be able to have sex without someone in the background giggling

Honey, I won't giggle if you don't make that face you make

Will, come on

Come on, she's in a really bad way

- You have to take her - I don't want her

Neither do I

What are we gonna do?

We can't just drive her out to the country and release her back into the wild

Or can't we?

Just think about it

We can lure her into a cage with a Vicodin tied to the end of a little piece of string

If her friends ask, we just say

"We took her to farm where she can run free and have waiters fired."

Come on, let's get serious Where's she gonna go?

Where did she go?

This is crazy

We're not gonna find Karen She could be anywhere

She's got four fake passports and a map of the underworld

We've gotta keep looking for her

She's out there all alone

The city's full of criminals and murderers. She could...

hurt one of them

Maybe we should call the police

No. No cops

But she's in a bad place We can't find her--

I said no cops!

I'm gonna go ask around see if anyone's seen her

Keep it on the down-low

Come on Let's get a drink

Make it a double

We wanna catch Karen

we'd better drink like her

Could you pass those nuts?

No problem

Jack?

Sorry, nope

- Jack, we know it's you - No, it is not me!

My name is Claude Remains

I have dark glasses I'm from Indiana

Look, I have a mustache

- Not anymore - Get--! Wh--! Hey!

I can't believe you just did that!

Just hand me over to the gay mafia the homo nostra, Don Queerleone

So that's what this is about? You're hiding?

Yes, Toby's meeting me here

He borrowed his mother's Caprice

and he's gonna smuggle me to Oklahoma

- You're going to Oklahoma? - Yes. The matinee

We're heading out We'll see you later?

No, they're after me

Enough of that crap!

No one's after you It's all in your head

Your fish, sir

But I didn't order--

Oh, my god!

It's a message It's a message

I'm a dead man! I'm gonna sleep with the fishes!

But it's the gay mafia so I'm gonna sleep

with trout almandine drizzled with lemon and capers!

I don't know where else to look for her

We checked the Gun Club the FDA testing center

Bill Clinton's office in Harlem-- She's nowhere

- Was he checking me out? - No, Grace

Oh, my God

Look

Karen? What are you doing?

Nothing, just shooting the breeze with these three Rosarios

Now leave me alone

Look, we're really sorry

I know we said some pretty harsh things

We forget sometimes that you have human feelings

You do, right?

You know, you could be a little more sensitive

This divorce hasn't exactly been easy for me

I know. You and Stan were together a long time

What? Stan?

Who said anything about One Ton Phooey?

Yours is the divorce I'm upset about

What?

You two split up without even a thought as to how it would affect me

Hey, I know she's no prize

And I know she's no prize, either

But couldn't you two have stayed together for my sake?

Karen...

What?

Don't you get it?

It was always me, you, and Will

It was?

As long as you were together I felt safe, taken care of, special

I just don't know where I fit in anymore

Karen

No matter what happens between us

nothing could ever change

the way we feel about you

Really?

Of course, Karen We love...

The way we feel about you

So we're a family again?

- As much as we ever were - Oh!

So we're clear on this, right?

You understand there is no gay mafia?

There is no network of waiters and florists and cabaret singers

who carry out the commands of some shadowy don

Or, in this case eye-shadowy don

Yeah, okay

Yeah, whatever Yeah. It's no big deal

Doesn't matter, anyway

I let Phillip back in my class because he is a talented actor

and is under no obligation to make out with me

Did you hear that? Phillip's back in, pass it on

Jack! Enough!

There is no gay mafia It does not exist

I do not know this man!

We are not here together

After you pay the check-- Leave me alone!

Gay mafia I'm surrounded by idiots

Oh, man!

- My new Gucci suit! - Sorry, sir

Heh-heh...

Hey, it's not funny

It's a little bit funny

Oh, my God. You're--

You're... you

That's right and next time it'll be red wine

A word of advice, Will

Don't dismiss things you know nothing about

And don't walk in ten-inch heels-- It's hell on the ankles

What are you talking about? There is no such thing--

Isn't there?

Well, even if there was it's not like they control the--

Don't they?

Come on

- It's not like you're the-- - Aren't I?

Listen, Will

You're a smart boy

You've got a good face

- A flat stomach - Hmm

I'd hate to see you banned from every gym in America

And what?

End up in a Fitness Protection Program?

Don't joke It's real

So watch yourself, Will

'Cause we're watching you

One wrong move, and this bitch will be back

Could you give me $2.00 for the coat check girl?

Sure

Okay, I'll ask her

I'm on with the manager of the Palace Hotel

They're willing to take you back

as long as you're willing to return the concierge's prosthetic leg

No! I won that leg fair and square

Besides, I need it to hit the snooze button in the morning

Why don't you just sleep on the other side of the bed?

Hey! All right

Oh. But... Um...

tell him two of the toes broke off