Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff! ♪

[giggles]

[both laugh]

[announcer] Brought to you by Crumbly's Crumbles.

Don't touch my Crumbly!

[effort grunts]

Kiff, Barry, what are you doing?

- Uncle Pat is coming to dinner. - Fun Uncle Pat!

Yeah. We're setting a place for him.

Please put that back.

[both] Awww!

Wait, what? Pat is coming for dinner?

[both] Yeah! Fun Uncle Pat!

Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!

Fun Uncle Pat. Fun Uncle Pat...

Oh, loosen up, hon. Uncle Pat is your only brother.

Fun Uncle Pat.

And after dinner, he'll hop on his motorcycle

and be out of your hair, like always.

Yeah, Dad. Vroom-vroom!

[motorcycle engine revs]

[glass thuds]

[laughter]

[both] Fun Uncle Pat!

Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!

Dinner's ready.

Marty, my favorite brother.

[stifles giggle] He's his only brother!

[gasps] For me?

Oh, my gosh!

[Pat grunting]

You really outdid yourself, Beryl.

Mmm. Restaurant quality.

[Pat chuckles]

Wow. Gettin' late.

Did I ever tell you two about the time I met

the on-set hairdresser from Hot Mail?

- [both] What? No! - Tell us!

Ahem! Look at that. The clock is... accurate.

- Oh, my. Is that the time? - Whoa, it's late!

Oh, my, I have never been here this late.

Forgive me, Chatterleys. It has been, as always,

a wonderful evening. I thank you.

So, breaking news. My landlady-slash-girlfriend

dumped-slash-evicted me,

and I currently find myself with no place to stay.

[exaggerated yawn]

[crickets chirp]

Oh, that's terrible, Pat.

Terrible... that we don't have room for you here.

Dad, what are you talking about?

Uncle Pat can sleep in my room. I'll sleep on the couch.

Oh, thank you.

[Beryl] That's very nice, Kiff.

Ow! Dad-- Ow! Why are you... Ow! Kicking me under the tab...

Ow! You did it-- Ow!

[♪ transitional music plays]

[Beryl] Kiff, can you go tell your uncle that breakfast is ready?

[Kiff grunts and groans]

Ow, my back.

[singsong voice] Uncle Pat!

Uncle Pat?

Nice room you got here, Kiff.

[♪ melancholy music plays]

I used to have my own room. Now I don't have anything.

Oh, uh, well, you got this suitcase

with a cool sticker on it that says Table Town.

When I bought this suitcase,

I used to dream about traveling the world

and covering it with stickers from all over.

But I've never been anywhere... and I never will!

[♪ melancholic note plays]

- Uh, my mom says that breakfast is ready. - Oh, boy!

[eating noisily]

Can I get anyone anything?

- I'm good. - No, thank you.

- Martin? - I'm fine.

More juice? More coffee?

- No, I'm... - Freshen you up!

Aw, you filled it to the rim.

Now I'm gonna spill it when I take a sip.

I'm on it!

[noisy slurping]

Would you stop it?

I'm just trying to help out a little,

earn my keep.

I gotta lie down!

- [door slams upstairs] - I don't want this now.

[phone buzzes]

Hey, Barry.

How's fun Uncle Pat?

Not so fun.

He's kind of... depressed.

Oh, no.

I think if he just had a job,

he could get his life back on track,

maybe get a new place to live,

- maybe even see the world! - I'll be right over.

My sister Terri has had over 40 jobs,

just in the past year, and she confided in me

that the secret of getting one of these jobs

is to possess a little thing known as a resume.

[chuckles] Resume?

Barry, I think you mean résumé.

- Resu-may what? - You're right, though.

And Uncle Pat can make one easily on the Internet.

Uh... oh, okay, yeah.

Well, it seems my work here is done.

[cracking knuckles]

Um... hmm...

Well, that's just your name.

Y-You know what? That's easy. Here.

[♪ energetic music plays]

And... there! [satisfied grunts]

Uncle Pat?

[Pat laughing downstairs]

What the actual...

Uncle Pat, I just finished your résumé.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Kiff.

[television audio plays]

Are you... gonna look for a job, or...

Ah, yeah, maybe later.

Right now, I'm binging season four

of Celebrity Has-Been Pillow Fights.

- [laughter on television] - Oh.

Yeah, I had to delete a bunch of Chubble stuff

to make room for my shows.

Hope you don't mind.

Think I'll have a snack.

[television audio continues]

[Uncle Pat laughs]

[wind howls]

[♪ forlorn Western music plays]

[Pat] Hey, did you know that you and I

have all the same favorite snacks?

Crumbly's Crumbles?

Can't leave those lying around when I'm here

'cause I'll eat 'em.

Maybe a nap will brighten my spirits.

[crash] Oww! My bad back!

Hey! Why is my bed over by the window?

I can field this one.

Since I'm probably gonna be here for a while,

I moved the bed so it's closer to the window.

Better for my sleep apnea. [chuckles] You know?

Speaking of which, time for my nap.

[Kiff sighs]

[whining] Please, Dad!

You gotta ask him to leave. He's driving me crazy!

I tried to kick you under the table,

but you wouldn't listen.

I thought I could help him get a job,

but I'm starting to think he doesn't even want one.

Not everyone has our work ethic, Kiff.

- I... - [Pat] Anybody need anything?

No. I'm good. Thank you.

- Martin? - Nope.

Okay. Well, if anybody needs anything,

I'll be on Kiff's bed, aka the couch.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha! - Uncle Pat, wait.

Your ex-girlfriend- slash-ex-landlady,

if she wanted to get back together, would you?

Well, yeah, of course. But she'll never take me back.

Leave that to me.

[seabird caws]

♪ There's someone we have in mind ♪

♪ Who's hoping they can find ♪

♪ The perfect place to stay in ♪

♪ Maybe you can weigh in ♪

♪ And sign on the dotted line ♪

♪ You don't need to take a tour ♪

♪ When you're absolutely sure ♪

♪ If home is where the heart is ♪

♪ Then the hardest part is ♪

♪ Knowing where your heart should go ♪

♪ Do you have a little room to rent ♪

♪ In your heart? ♪

♪ We wanna know what your stance is ♪

♪ On second chances ♪

♪ He'll sign the lease ♪

♪ Just hand over the keys ♪

♪ You'll never be apart ♪

♪ Do you have a little room to rent ♪

♪ In your heart? ♪

♪ He's the perfect tenant for you ♪

♪ He doesn't cook, so the place won't smell like stew ♪

♪ So what if he finishes all of your shampoo? ♪

♪ His love is never overdue ♪

♪ Do you have a little room to rent ♪

♪ In your heart? ♪

♪ We want to know what your stance is ♪

♪ On second chances ♪

♪ He'll sign the lease, just hand over the keys ♪

♪ You'll never be apart ♪

♪ Do you have a little room to rent ♪

♪ In your heart? ♪

[music ends]

[feet padding quietly]

[seabird caws]

Fine. He can come back.

But he's gotta pay all his back rent.

[celebratory shouting]

[tires squeal]

Huh! You already brought over my suitcase.

Yeah, yeah. Love can't wait.

I'm home.

You... live here?

Where's all your stuff?

Where is all my stuff?

I threw it all out the window.

The window above the alley with all those

clean, neatly stacked empty boxes?

No, the other window. Above the ocean.

- Oh-- - [bird caws]

Well, nice to see you, Pat.

- What?! - Whoa!

Uncle Pat, please,

you don't have to stay here.

Yeah, you should keep living at the Chatterleys'.

- What? No! - What do you mean no?

Absolutely not!

I love you, Pat, but I can't do it.

You're always lurking,

asking if anybody needs anything.

And that's a bad thing?

[employee] What do you mean you're firing me?

You're a terrible cruise director.

You're supposed to be walking around,

asking if anybody needs anything.

- You're always telling stories. - You never tell any stories.

- You're always hovering. - You don't hover enough.

- You always... - You never...

[both] ...refill my drinks!

[♪ calypso music playing]

Freshen you up. Ha, ha!

He is the best cruise director I've ever worked with.

[Pat] Does anybody need anything?

Gee, Martin, if your brother never came to visit,

we never would have gotten this free cruise.

[♪ calypso music continues]

To fun Uncle Pat.

[all] Fun Uncle Pat!

[all chanting] Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!

Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!