Original subtitles

20 million years ago, an apelike creature inhabited the earth.

And the ape stood and became man.

The greatest calamity that could befall early man was the loss of fire.

Fire, the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food, heated his cave and kept him alive.

If he could not start a fire, he and his would surely die.

Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature.

This need, this talent...

clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.

And here, in a cave somewhere in the North American continent...

about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born.

And, of course, with the birth of the artist...

came the inevitable after birth, the critic.

In the year 1 million BC, it is thought the first homo sapien marriage occurred.

It was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage.

One of the first weapons man invented was the spear.

In ancient times, man was ignorant as to the cause and nature of death...

so death was greeted with a certain degree of awe.

But because man did not have the time for complicated rituals...

funeral services were often brief.

Even in early man, the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival.

Music began long before it was formalized into notes and phrases.

For mankind, it began with an accident.

Goonga heard the sound and liked it.

Goonga begged Gowi to repeat the beautiful scream but Gowi could not.

So Goonga thought and thought, and finally he found the answer.

And so, music was born.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hallelujah...

Halle-Lu-jah.

Moses went to the mountain and God spoke unto him.

Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law.

- Do you hear me? - Yes, I hear you, I hear you.

- A deaf man could hear you. - What?

Nothing, admonish me, forget it. Oh Lord, why have You chosen me?

What would You have me do for you?

I shall give you my laws and you shall take them unto the people.

Yes Lord.

Lord, I shall give these laws unto Thy people.

Hear me. Oh, hear me.

All pay heed, the Lord, the Lord Jehovah,

had given unto you these 15...

10, 10 Commandments for all to obey.

Rome, vortex of modern civilization.

Rome, fountainhead of culture.

Rome, blazing pronouncement of mankind's most glorious achievements.

Alright now, columns, columns, columns, columns, get your columns here, Ionic...

Doric, Corinthian. Put a few columns out in front, turn any hovel into a show place.

Columns sir don't touch the merchandise. Alright now, columns, columns.

Haircut, shave, shampoo, blood letting.

Sooths. Soothsaying. Get your sooth said right here.

I can tell the future, you sir.

For a weefee of two drachmas, I can tell you your future.

Yes, yes, I see, I see, I see that you are going on a long journey.

- Yes. You sir, are going to Rome. - But I am in Rome.

Do I lie?

Sooth, sooth, we give great sooth.

Chariots, used chariots, low mileage, they're great.

I'm very excited about it, it's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.

Plumbing, plumbing. Plumbing here, plumbing.

Yes citizens, plumbing, it's the latest invention to hit Rome.

It moves water from one place to another, it's astounding, it's amazing.

Get on the bandwagon, pipe the shit right out of your house.

Plumbing, plumbing here. Plumbing, brand new invention.

- Occupation? - Gladiator.

- Did you kill last week? - No.

- Did you try to kill last week? - Yeah.

Now listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance.

Either kill somebody next week or we'll have to change your status, you got it?

- Yeah. - Sign here.

Next, occupation?

- Standup philosopher. - What?

Standup philosopher.

I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.

Oh, a bullshit artist.

- Did you bullshit last week? - No.

- Did you try to bullshit last week? - Yes.

Comicus, Comicus, Comicus...

Back in the line, back in the line.

He's not in line, he's not in line, he's my agent, Swiftus.

Good news, I just got you a job.

Now that you work, you won't be needing this.

- Wait a minute, that's money is mine. - I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

- Dopus, I almost had the money in my hand. - Oh, I like that. I like that.

I going out and bust my anus to get you a job...

and you're angry with me? Boy you're nuts.

N - V - T - S, nuts.

OK. What's the job?

Just the best gig in all Rome, a date that every standup...

philosopher, including Socrates, would die for.

Believe it or not, you are going to play Caesars Palace.

- The Main Room? - The Main Room.

- Groovus. - Groovus.

Come on, let's not be late, the show starts in an hour.

- The Main Room? - The Main Room.

The Main Room.

10, 10, 10. 20, 20, 20.

30,30,30. 40,40,40.

- Do I hear 50? 50, 50, 50. - 50.

Sold for 50 Libra.

- Oh no. - Come here you.

The slave auction is over, alright take all these rejects over the Colosseum.

Sell them for lions' bait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What is this with lions?

I can't go to the lions, I cannot go to the lions.

Oh no, because I happen to know that the lions only eat Christians.

Christians and I am a Jew.

Jewish person, yes, I can prove it. Watch this, look at this.

♪ Havah nagilah, havah nagilah, havah ♪

♪ Nagilah, vaynism, ♪ everybody.

♪ Havah nagilah, havah nagilah, havah nagilah, havah... ♪

Now, hold it.

Listen, listen I'm Jewish, I'm telling you, call the temple, call the rabbi.

Call Sammus Davis Jr, call Sammus, he'll vouch for me, he and I are tight, he knows.

Jewish, eh?

He missed, I jumped and he missed. It was his first day on the job, he very was nervous.

Look, I got an appointment for Thursday...

11 o'clock, I'll go in, he give me a local, bup, I'm out.

- Get him out of here. - Wait a minute, you going to blow this man.

- We could make a lot of money with me. - Wait a minute, wait a minute, money?

Come here.

How?

I'm very entertaining, I got special talents, I'll show you, look at me.

- Sand, I got to have a little sand. - What?

Sand, you standing on it.

Yes. A little sand on the stage for the native shim-sham sand dance.

Look out, I'm going to start.

Born to do it.

- Hey, what country you from? - Ethiopia.

- What part? - 125th Street.

I'm going to sign him now.

The big turn.

And that's the Ethiopian... shim-sham.

- Come on. - He's good, that guy is good.

That kid is wonderful.

Oh, look, show up lazy brute, get up, You're costing me good money.

Please, stop it, can't you see the poor thing is in pain.

- Out of the way or you'll get the same. - No, you mustn't.

Hey, hey, what are you? Crazy?

- Little shot, eh? Thanks. - Oh, thank you.

He was beating that poor, exhausted horse.

Oh, gee.

Oh, he's not exhausted, here's the problem.

See?

Come on boy, you can get up, come on fella.

Wait a minute...

I know this horse, he used to be the fastest horse...

at the chariot races in the Circus Maximus, his name is Miracle.

Miracle? Oh, a beautiful name.

What's yours?

Miracle, Oh, Comicus. I'm a standup philosopher.

Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.

- I'm really sorry to hear that. - I work at the palace.

- But we're going to be at the palace. - Really?

- Put her there pal. - Man, you saved my life.

I'm Comicus, standup philosopher, who are you?

I'm Josephus and I'm the main course at the Colosseum.

Say hello to some friends of mine, this is my agent, Swiftus Lazarus.

- Looked good man. - And this is Miriam, she's a vestal virgin.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Seize him. - Oh, seize this Honkus.

- Oh, don't ever say that to the cops. - Seize him.

Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

- I do. - I do.

OK. You, you had your hand up first.

- Death by torture. - No, you?

- Crucifixion. - Wrong.

- You. - They shove a living snake up your ass.

Oh no, but that's very creative, you.

- You. - They send you to the lions.

- Right. - No.

What do you mean, no? He was right, they send him to the lions.

- It's the Empress. - It's Nympho.

Move out that miserable piece of shit.

Halt. Stop.

Could you please step on the same foot at the same time?

My tits are falling off.

- Empress Nympho, empress Nympho. - Miriam? What are you doing here?

You're a Vestal virgins, you know that...

virgins aren't allowed outside the palace without an escort.

Empress, this man just saved our lives and now they want to kill him, we need your help.

- Which one? The white guy, the colored guy? - The color, the Slave.

Please spare his life, I beg you.

Perhaps you can use him at the palace, he's truly gifted.

- Gifted. Bob... - Yes, your Highness.

Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

- Well, we could use another wine steward. - I got a great corkscrew.

Hey, this is a hip crowd.

Alright, we'll schlep him along. The time being, we'll use him as a litter bearer.

Oh, thank you your Highness.

- Oh, good, oh, good. - Good work, good work.

Litter bearers, prepare to move.

Litter bearers, march.

- See you at the palace. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Hey, come on, we got to go.

- We really have to go, we'll see you later.

- Bye. - Bye.

All hail Caesar, Emperor of Rome, monarch of the Roman Empire...

ruler of the world.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar, hail Caesar.

Hail...

All hail the commander of His Majesty's Roman legions, the brave and noble...

Marcus Vindictus, who returns to Rome after winning a...

great victory over the Cretins at Sparta.

Make that the Spartans at Crete.

Remember, thou art mortal, remember, thou art mortal.

Remember, thou art mortal, remember, thou art mortal.

Oh, blow it out your ass.

Oh, Caesar...

I have brought your illustrious name before the 4 corners for the earth.

I've subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome.

- I've penetrated into the farthest... - What's under the sheet?

- Shit? - Sheet.

Shit. Oh. Oh, the sheet, yes.

Yes. To begin with, number one, a beautiful hand carved alabaster...

- bathing vessel. - Nice.

Nice. Not thrilling but nice.

Aha. But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two...

treasure from the Orient.

Treasure, bathtub...

Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath.

Treasure bath, treasure bath.

Do it, do it to me.

Oh Nympho, I would do anything, anything if you would only grant me your favors.

How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love?

- I am your servant. - Ah...

but the servant waits while the master bathes.

Yes.

Here, wash this.

Yes sire.

The muse is upon me.

- Thank you Caesar. - All be quiet.

His Divine Immortality has consented to favor us with a new poem.

Speak, oh, glorious Caesar.

- Speak. - You faggot.

- Oh, yes sire. Thank you. - Bring me a small lyre.

Small liar, small liar.

I didn't do it, I didn't do it. I wasn't even there, I was in a hen house.

The check is in the mail.

Not that kind of liar.

- What? - Take him out here.

Oh, get him out, take him out.

Miriam, wine.

Josephus, wine.

- Say when. - 8:30.

It's so lonely at the top of Olympus.

More women, more wine, more...

Ok faggot, what's next?

Comicus, the new standup philosopher from Vesuvius.

Good, I like a mountain comic.

Comicus, you're on.

Good evening ladies and emperors. I just got back from Venice and boy, are my arms tired.

Let me tell you about Venice, Venice is a very old, very old.

Very wonderful, ancient city, you can learn a lot at Venice.

You want to know how to make a Venetian blind? Like this.

Have you all heard about this new sect, the Christians?

They are a laugh riot. First of all, they are so poor...

How poor are they?

Thank you. They are so poor, that they have only one god.

Now, we Romans are rich, we got a god for everything...

the only thing we don't have a god for premature ejaculation...

But I hear that that's coming quickly.

The little fag gets it.

- Terrific, terrific. - Hey, let's face it, let's face it.

What's the rage today? Losing weight is all the rage.

Everybody in Rome is either in a steam room or a vomitarium.

I mean half of Rome is either cooking or puking.

Cooking or puking.

But you can't blame these people, can't blame this people for wanting to be thin.

Who wants to look like a big fat pig?

- Oh. - Oh.

- Did he say big fat pig? - Yes he did sire.

- Do you think he mean me? - I believe he did sire.

Get off the fat jokes, get off fat, get off fat.

There's two Jews got off, no.

Syrian...

Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics.

Yeah, the Roman Senate.

The Roman Senate is the best legislature that money can buy.

Corruption starts in the streets with the little peddlers.

They bribe an assemblyman, the assemblyman bribes a councilman...

councilman bribes a senator and the senator, it goes all the way to the Emperor.

Shit.

- Kill him. - Taxi.

Wait, no autographs, no autographs.

- Seize him. - Seize him.

- More wine. - More wine. More wine.

Boy, when you die at the palace, you really die at the palace.

- Kill, kill him too. - Please Empress, save them.

Wait. Ah, I've just had a wonderful idea.

What was my idea?

Oh yes, let these two fools fight each other to the death, during dessert.

We who are about to die, salute you.

Salute.

Alright, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

- Thank you. - You welcome.

I've never killed another human being in my life but you got to start sometime.

- Maniac. - Hey. Wait. Watch it.

Wait, isn't that Lena Horne over there?

Oh Emperor, spare this poor man, he's fought so bravely for your amusement.

Let him...

die.

Tough shit.

Oh please. Oh please buddy.

Easy.

Oh, I can't do it.

Here, take the shield, take the sword, come on, we'll fight our way out.

Guards, destroy them.

You're the first white person I even considered liking.

- Oh, the tide is turning. - Hold it, right there.

In the name of Caesar...

The rope.

No. Your hands are cold.

Find them. Capture them. Kill them.

- Wash this. - Oh, sure sire.

- Oh, it's you. - This way men.

Alright, forget that shit, I almost fell.

Virgins, fall out.

Competence. Oh, Competence, tell me...

What will happen to those two rogues when they are caught?

- If they're captured, they're hung. - Not necessarily.

- Where are you leading me? - To the reviewing stand.

You have to choose your escorts for the midnight orgy.

Oh, I almost forgot.

- Send them in. - Quickly, march.

Arms rest.

Very nice selection.

I'm going to start on this end.

♪ Yes. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, yes. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, yes. ♪

♪ No, no, yes. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, yes. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... ♪

Wait a minute.

♪ Yes. Ole. ♪

- Very good, that will be all. - Quick time, march.

I love quick time march.

- Where are we? - Don't worry.

Who's that?

Quick, hide behind the drape.

I liked your choices, you made some very big decisions.

Thank you.

- Stick together, they couldn't gotten far. - Halt.

Alright virgins, put on your no entry signs.

We are about to confront guys.

How dare you? No men may search the Empress quarters.

As you wish.

- You're beautiful when you... - Shove it.

- Speak up Mucus. - Eunuch.

What?

That slave over there, he looks rather puny.

Is it no true that when eunuchs are castrated they become enormous?

It's Josephus, your wine steward please help him.

You have to give him some time, he has just been snipped.

If he is truly a eunuch like the others, there would be no harm to take the test.

- Test? - Test?

Test?

Test. Eunuchs, come down here.

Let us have Caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance in praise of Eros.

And if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs...

then nothing should arise, get it?

Caladonia, Caladonia, let's make their big heads so hard.

- He's a eunuch. - Yeah.

He is a eunuch.

He's dead.

He'll never survive.

- The jig is up. - And gone.

- After him. - Go on men, get him.

Quick, back through the corridor...

he's heading for the Senate, we can meet him near the cloakroom.

- Good. - Come on.

- In pectorum, quid pro quo. - In pecuniam, sic transit Gloria.

I didn't know Gloria was sick.

- Where is he? - Don't worry, he has to come this way.

- He should've been here by now. - Listen, the Senate is in session.

All fellow members of the Roman Senate, hear me.

Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich...

or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor?

- How is the Senate vote? - Fuck the poor.

Good.

- Oh. Josephus. - The man was dead when I got there, swear.

Where you've been? But who was that dead guy?

Never mind, never mind. Look, how do we get out of here?

Here, hurry put this on.

Ok, I'm going to find Swiftus...

and then I will meet you at the theater just across from the baths.

- The theater just across from the baths. - Right.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Look, stop with the goodbyes. - Ok, Ok, one more thing, wait.

- If we do escape, will you come with us? - Of course.

- Of course, of course. - Goodbye.

Of course, of course, she's coming with us. She's coming with us.

There's some of the senators.

- Where you go? - Right behind these guys, here we go.

- Bullshit. Bullshit. - Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Give to Oedipus.

Give to Oedipus.

- Hey Josephus. - Hey motherfucker.

♪ Funky town, won't you take me to Funky town.

♪ Funky Town? ♪

They should've been here over 30 grains ago.

- What could be keeping them? - I don't know.

There they are, come on, come on. Now hurry, walk this way.

Hurry, get into these Trojan costumes.

Punching a hole in the left. Keep punching a hole in the right.

Keep punching a hole, keep punching a hole, keep punching a hole, watch out.

Relax, casual, casual.

No matter what happens, don't panic.

Don't panic.

Keep punching a hole in the left. Keep punching a hole in the right.

- Keep punching a hole... - There they are.

Panic.

Keep punching a hole in the left. Keep punching a hole in the right.

Captain Mucus, let's get after them. You take the left flank, I'll take the right flank.

Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?

- Sorry sir, I flunked flank. - You flunked flank?

Get the flunk out of here.

Here, this way.

- Hey, say chemist, can you help me? - What are you looking for?

- A pack of Trojans. - Gee, I just ran out.

Captain Mucus...

- Captain Mucus, do you found anything? - Nothing Commander, nothing.

Nuts me, search all the market places, the square, the alley.

Half you men search that area over there. And the others will run with Mucus.

We got to get out of Rome.

But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers, you see?

We'll never get out of Rome. Only a miracle can save us.

Miracle. Miracle. Miracle. Miracle.

We got to get to that wagon. Wait here I'll see if the course is clear.

No, you don't.

Oh, my God, I'm fighting with card board.

- Goodbye head. - Hello balls.

- Come on Comicus. - Go on Comicus.

- Hurry, take off. - Let's go Miracle.

What? Commander, where are they?

Get the horses, get the chariots, get the men.

- Onward. - Get me an ice pack, hurry.

- Where you going? - I don't know.

Oh, oh. Here come the bad guys.

Come on Miracle, hurry. They're gaining on us. Hurry.

- Come on Miracle, go boy. - Come on, we're gaining on them.

- They're gaining on us. - Come on Miracle.

Go boy, go. Stretch out those long white legs.

We're pulling away, we're losing them.

Quickly, go to the left, go to the right, stop.

I smell something familiar. Yes. Yes. I got an idea.

Pull over, pull over.

I knew I smelled something.

- Are you crazy? They're right behind us. - You don't know what I'm talking about.

The nose knows.

What the heck is he...

- What he's doing? - He's picking flowers?

- Roman red. - Roman red?

A whole field of wacky weed.

- He's picking those weeds. - Papyrus, rolling papyrus.

Papyrys, paper.

Paper? What kind of paper? Like this? That's good.

EZ widers, these people don't know the value.

Josephus, hurry.

Hold this. Yes indeed.

- They'll be here any minute. - Not to worry, not to worry.

- We are now armed with mighty joint. - Mighty joint?

Let's go Miracle.

Hurry, you got to catch them.

Quickly, after them.

We've got to, we've got to...

get.moving.

- It's working. - It's working.

We got to stay loose, you know, let it cool...

Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.

You men go northward, you go southward.

I'm going to walk here around in a circle.

What are we going to do? We're trapped.

- Hey, who's that? - Look what he's done.

Oh, my God.

Oh, what a wonderful man.

Let's go Miracle.

And keep them up.

You son of a bitch, you bastard.

An old man, they don't let you live, they don't let you breathe.

That son of a bitch.

- Now go this way. - Why?

- It's a short cut. - To where?

To the port, there's a ship leaving for Judea.

- Judea? - Judea.

Judea,

I'm going to stay right here.

No, I'm going to move here.

- Do you care if it falls? - What?

- The Roman Empire. - Fuck it.

Is that our men? Why they stopped?

- Oh Marcus... - Why have you stopped?

Why aren't you still chasing them?

Have you lost your senses?

Do you want to be stripped of your rank and privileges?

Do you want to be thrown into the dungeon? You want...

Do you want to dance?

Lindus.

Hey look, there's the ship that's going to take us to Judea.

♪ We're off on the road to Judea... ♪

♪ We certainly do get around. ♪

See. I told you there was work to be found here.

Yeah.

You're right. Help wanted, cashier waiter and dishwasher.

I'm going to be waiter.

- I'll be cashier. - Yeah, I'll be the hat check girl.

- What are you... - Alright alright, I'll be the dishwasher.

Hey kids, I'll take Miracle and scout the area for a possible club date.

I'll try Galilee, heard that King Herod is bringing in gambling.

- Let's go Miracle. - Take care Swiftus, see you later.

- Bye Miracle. - Bye.

Comicus.

Sir.

- Now Tonight we have a private party. - Private party.

- Take their orders. - Take their orders.

- Be correct. - Be correct.

- Be polite. - Be polite.

And push the mulled wine we're stuck with it.

- Push the mulled wine we're stuck... - Don't write it now.

- Now go. - Yes sir.

You can't get any good help today.

Before this night is over, one of you shall betray me three times.

- No. - No. No.

Master, how can you feel that anyone here would betray you...

you who we would follow even unto our death?

Does everybody want soup?

Please, we must talk, this may be our last supper.

It's my first order.

All, one little questions, I'll let you all go...

are you all together or is it separate checks?

- Please go away. - Go away.

Yea, yea, so you say...

but one who sits amongst us has already betrayed me this night.

- Who? - Who?

- Who? - Who can it be?

Judas, do you want a beverage?

- Try the mulled wine, it's terrific. - No, leave us alone.

- Go. Go. Go. - Hey alright.

- Jesus. - Yes?

- What? - What?

- What? - Yes.

- Jesus. Oh, yes? - What?

- You said what. - What?

Nothing.

- Ah Leonardo. - Buon giorno.

- Just a second. - It's alright, we ordered a group portrait.

Yes. Burt no, this is no good, all I got is the backs.

Ok, everybody want to be in the picture, get up and go to the other side of the table.

Come on.

Hold it.

The year was 1489.

The black plague ravaged the continent. It was the hour of the infamous Auto Da Fe.

Where, for public amusement, heretics and non believers...

were tortured and burned in a carnival like atmosphere.

And it was guided...

by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgment over good and evil...

The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.

All pay heed, now enters his holiness, Torquemada...

the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.

Torquemada, do not implore him for compassion.

Torquemada, do not beg him for forgiveness.

Torquemada, do not ask him for mercy.

Let's face it, you can't talk him out of anything.

Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways...

and to accept and embrace the true church...

convert now or forever burn in hell,

for now begins, the Inquisition.

- ♪ The Inquisition... ♪ - ♪ Let's begin. ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ Look out sin. ♪

- ♪ We have a mission, to convert the Jews. ♪ - ♪ Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jews. ♪

- ♪ We're going to teach them... ♪ - ♪ Wrong from right. ♪

- ♪ We're going to help them... ♪ - ♪ See the light. ♪

♪ And make an offer that they can't refuse. ♪

♪ That the Jews just can't refuse. ♪

- ♪ Confess... ♪ - ♪ Confess... ♪

- ♪ Don't be boring, say yes. ♪ - ♪ Say yes, say yes. ♪

♪ Don't be dull. ♪

♪ A fact you're ignoring... ♪

♪ It's better to lose your skull cap than your skull. ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. - ♪ What a show? ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ Here we go. ♪

♪ We know you're wishing, that we go away. ♪

♪ But the Inquisition is here and it's here to stay. ♪

♪ The Inquisition, oh boy, the Inquisition, what joy, The Inquisition, oy, oy. ♪

♪ I was sitting in a temple... ♪

♪ I was minding my own business, I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass. ♪

♪ Then these Papist persons plunge in and they throw me in a dungeon... ♪

♪ And they shove a red hot poker up my ass. ♪

♪ Is that considerate? Ls that polite? And not a tube of Preparation H in sight. ♪

♪ I'm sitting flicking chickens And I'm looking through the pickings... ♪

♪ And suddenly these gays break down my walls, I didn't even know them... ♪

♪ And they grabbed me by the scrotum and they started playing ping pong with my balls. ♪

♪ Oy, the agony. Oh, the shame. To make my privates public for a game. ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ What a show? ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ Here we go. ♪

♪ We know you're wishing that we go away... ♪

♪ But the Inquisition is here and it's here to... ♪

♪ Hey Torquemada, what do you say? ♪

- ♪ I just got back from the Auto Da Fe. ♪ - ♪ Auto Da Fe? What's an Auto Da Fe? ♪

♪ It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway. ♪

♪ Skit skatvoodle de vat and toodle de day, will you convert? ♪

- ♪ No, no, no, no. ♪ - ♪ Will you confess? ♪

- ♪ No, no, no, no. ♪ - ♪ Will you revert? ♪

- ♪ No, no, no, no. ♪ - ♪ Will you say yes? ♪

♪ No, no, no, no. ♪

♪ Now I ask in a nice way, I said pretty please... ♪

♪ I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees. ♪

♪ Hey Torquemada, walk this way. ♪

♪ We got a little game that you might want to play, so pull that handle, try your luck. ♪

- ♪ Who knows Torque, you might win a buck. ♪ - ♪ Alright. ♪

Put it in the car.

- In the car. - In the car.

How we doing? Any converts today?

- Not a one. - Nay, nay, nay.

We'll flatten their fingers, we branded their buns. Nothing is working.

Send in the nuns.

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ What a show? ♪

- ♪ The Inquisition. ♪ - ♪ Here we go. ♪

- ♪ We know you're wishing... ♪ - ♪ That we go away. ♪

♪ So come on, you Moslems and you Jews, we got big news for all of yous. ♪

♪ You better change your point of views today. ♪

♪ Because the Inquisition is here and it's here... ♪

♪ To stay. ♪

Paris, a city filled with poverty, misery and despair.

The time was ripe for revolution.

Apple cores, freshly picked from the garbage of the rich.

Apple cores, apple cores.

Rats, rats. Nice dead rats for sale.

Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie...

and the ever popular, ratatouille.

Nothing, nothing. I got absolutely nothing for sale.

Rats. Rats.

Sir please help me, I'm starving, help me.

Get away, get away, don't bother me, you swine.

Please, money, food, anything, help me, help me.

Get your filthy hands off me, be gone.

- Please. - Please.

Something, anything, I'm starving to death.

You look what we have come to, beggars begging from beggars.

- Bonjour Madame de Farge. - Bonjour scum.

Alright, keep quiet, the meeting begins.

Fellow wretches...

I don't have to tell you...

that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.

- Yes. - Yes.

Families, don't even have enough money for bread.

- No. - No.

We are down to almost nothing.

Last week, I myself ran out of wool.

- Rights? - We have no say.

- No. - No.

We have no dignity.

- No. - No.

We are so poor, we do not even have a language.

Just a stupid accent.

She's right, she's right. We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.

What we need is a new language.

A song that speaks of struggle.

That speaks of triumph.

It is time for action.

- Yes. - Yes.

Everybody, stand.

Repeat after me...

No, no, no, dumb scum.

I mean, death to King Louis.

Death to King Louis.

Good, good.

And now, let's end this meeting...

on a high note.

Oh, with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished Bearnaise...

- Yes? - Do we have any of those...

- delicious raisins left? - You ate yours.

These are mine.

Au contraire, they are mine, I paid for them. Hand them over.

Au contraire, I paid for them, they are mine.

Don't be saucy with me Bearnaise.

- Food. - Food.

Count the Money.

Count the Money.

Count the Money.

- Count the Money. - Count the Money.

De Monet, De Monet.

- Count the Money. - Count the Money.

We should get rid of your tailor.

I don't like your cuffs. I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.

A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pee-pee.

Yours are all the way down to your balls.

At least I have them.

You bitch.

- Lackey. - Count the Money.

De Monet. Monet, say it.

Perfect, don't forget it, say it again. Monet.

- Monet. - Very well, where's His Majesty?

- Oh sir, the king is playing chess. - Chess? I hate chess.

It's your move Your Majesty.

Quite aware of that, you petite putz.

I see.

Knight to rook 4.

- Your move Popinjay. - Yes sire.

Pawn threatens bishop.

- What the hell did you say? - Pawn threatens bishop.

Alright. I understood.

- Pawn threatens bishop. - Alright Popinjay...

I'm invoking the King's privilege.

- Three moves to one. - Yes.

Knight jumps Queen.

Bishop jumps Queen.

Pawns jump Queen.

Gang bang, come on, let's all jump the Queen.

Whip out those little dicks, here we go.

What a spectacle.

Isn't the Queen a good sport?

And he's such a fool.

Nevertheless, we must do everything we can...

to save the thing that divine right and history had placed on his head.

- His wig? - No, you twit, his crown/.

The symbol of might makes right, the thing our fortunes and titles are attached to...

the monarchy.

- Are you meant to speak to His Majesty? - Perhaps later.

We had such a bouncy journey, I must relieve my myself before I first.

Where is the garcon de piss?

Oh, I saw him just now. Oh, there he is, over there.

- Oh, Merci monsieur. - Piss boy.

Ah, oui monsieur, oui.

- Oui, oui. - Yes, a lot of it.

S'il vous plait.

Keep searching, keep searching, you'll find it.

Leave me alone, I can handle this.

You look familiar, who do you look like?

Je Ne sais pas.

Who is that girl? She's gorgeous.

- Pardon, pardon, pardon. - Yes?

You are pissing on my shoe.

- Sorry, mind your pail. - Sorry.

Wait for the shake, eh?

There, there. That's for you, piss off.

Thank you, get it later.

- Oh, that's better. - Let the Queen up, give the queen some air.

She's been so good to all of us.

There's a naughty bit of crumpet.

- Your Majesty. - How's it going Marie?

It's good to be the King.

Everything is so green.

- Majesty, may I have a word with you? - Oh, care for a little toot?

- No, merci. - Don't indulge, eh?

Well, leaves more for us. Who are you?

Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.

Nice names. Tell me my dear, what can I do for you?

Your Majesty, My father Monsieur Rimbaud...

for 10 years has languished in the Bastille.

If I don't get him out soon, he'll surely die.

I throw myself on your mercy please release him.

- Why was he put into the Bastille? - He said something at a royal dinner party.

- Someone must've heard him. - What did he say?

- He said, the poor ain't so bad. - Oh, what he said? The poor ain't so bad.

- You're lucky he's still alive. - Please Your Majesty, don't let him die.

I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything.

Anything?

Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.

You don't put out, he don't get out.

But Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.

Come on, you do it, you know you do it.

- We all do it, we love to do it, you do it. - No, I don't.

You want to do it, I do it, I love to do it.

I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it.

Now, either you do it or your father dies, you see the hump or death.

- Humperdinck? - Not Humperdinck, hump or death.

You got 10 seconds to make up your mind.

Hump, death. Hump, death. Hump, death. Hump, death. Hump, death. Hump, death.

Your time is running out. Hump, death. Hump, death.

Alright, I hump. Oh?

Very good, I'm glad you thought it over.

Be at my chambers at midnight.

A tout a I'heure.

Wait.

Don't wear anything complicated.

It's good to be the King.

Your Majesty, I must've a work with you.

Ah, the Count the Money.

- De... - Don't correct me, what is it?

Of course, Your Majesty. I've come on the must urgent of business.

- It is said that the people are revolting. - It's said that they stink on ice.

Now Your Majesty, this is a very serious problem.

The peasants feel you have no regard for them.

What? I have no regard for the peasants?

They are my people, I am their sovereign.

I love them, pull.

Drifting to the left.

But Your Majesty, the situation is worsening, the peasants may grow violent.

- Violent? - Yes.

I hate violence, it's the one thing I detest, violence.

I abhor it, pull.

Fell like a stone.

But Your Majesty, just in case of the remote possibility of a temporary revolution...

wouldn't it be wise to have you safely spirited out of Paris?

Perhaps you're right but who'd sit on my throne? In my absence.

We'll find a double and put him on the throne.

Ah, a double in case of trouble, I like it.

But where would you find a handsome dog to replace me?

Oh yes, of course, of course, that's it.

- Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy. - And you look like a bucket of shit.

You don't understand, Your Majesty.

It's just the God's will sire. Except for the beauty mark and the mustache.

- There's our double. - Yeah.

My god, you're right. I do look like the piss boy.

Alright, at the first sign of trouble, he should be the King, go.

Immediately sire.

Barnaise, Garcon, I must've a word with you.

- I'm not finished. - You're finished, come with me.

- You're finished. - I'm finished.

Lackey.

Your Majesty.

It's good to be the King.

- Good. Now the beauty mark. - It's coming.

Wonderful, no one would ever suspect that His Royal Highness...

is really the lowly piss boy.

Oh, this is never going to work, please Count the Money...

De Monet, De Monet.

De Monet, Dubonnet, see Bonet. It won't work, I can't behave like a King.

I don't know how to do king's things.

Please. See? See? I can't even walk like a King.

I can't walk in heels, I'm not good in heels, He's good in heels, this would never work.

Why you doing this to me? What this all about?

Why you dressing me up like the king? Why do I have to be the king?

It's very simple really, is my hair all right?

- Dreadful. - Well, fix it.

Recently, there has been a rumor about a revolution.

And if this revolution should succeed...

the first thing the people would do is cut off the King's head.

Ah but if there is a double on the throne...

the King can remain in safety while they cut off the double's head.

I get it, whoa. I get it.

Ah, I get it. They're here to cut off my head.

- Hide in there, I'll see who it is. - Where?

Alright take me, ravage me Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain.

Alright.

- You're not the King. - True, true, I am the Count de Money.

De Monet, De Monet but the...

the King is temporarily indisposed, you've come to the right place.

Please.

You seem troubled my dear, let me help you.

- I don't see how you can. - Why not?

I've decided to trade my virginity for my...

father's freedom and submit to the King's lustful wants.

Chipped.

Oh, this is the saddest night of my life.

And the happiest night of mine.

Excuse me.

Count?

Count the Money, Count the Money.

De Monet. De Monet.

- Excuse me, did you see the Count? - He was here a moment ago.

Alright, Your Majesty please ravage me.

- Gee, I just ate, I won't... - Oh, take me Your Majesty, take me.

Where?

Defile me, humiliate me. Only do it, do it, hump, hump, hump.

It's good to be the King. Look, come here, let's talk about this.

Why don't we go out and have a wonderful candlelight dinner.

Then after that, a couple of glasses of wine, see a few nude paintings...

- get in the mood, you know I mean? - Your Majesty, I don't understand.

You said if I let you have your way with me, you'd let my father out of the dungeon.

Ah, that's what I said. Look, for all intents and purposes I'm the King, right?

Why don't we go to my desk, There must be a pardon in the king's desk.

And we'll get your daddy out of jail, come on.

Let's look through the desk, must be thousands of pardons in the King's desk.

Here we go. OK.

Execution, execution, execution, execution, execution, ex...

Tough guy. Must be a pardon somewhere, let's see.

Ah, one, one left. We're lucky, ye.

- Let's see, your father's name? - Rimbaud.

Rrrimbaud, how you spell Rrr? Never mind.

- Rimbaud, is that French? - Oui.

Alright, here we go, July 14, 1789.

Signed by Louis, let's see, 14, 15, 16, 16, how you say 16 in French.

Seize.

Seize you, good.

Ah, that, now, you give this to the head...

officer at the jail and he will set your father free.

You Majesty.

Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet, quack. Tweet, tweet,

Hello? No song for me today Pierre, eh?

What's the matter with you? Cat got your tongue?

I was right, it got his tongue, eyes and beak, the lot. Oh dearie me.

Not so lucky Pierre. Oh, you naughty pussy.

Naughty, naughty pussy.

And now to invent the catapult.

He's in there.

Father.

Oh, my darling father, I have good news. You're free.

Free. Did you hear that, my little winged friends?

Free, free. And though, they shall be free too.

Too.

Fly, my pretty one, fly.

The sky is your playground. Happy landing.

- Mother Mrs. Schultz. - Hurry Father...

hurry, before the King changes his mind.

What a racket, how could one get any sleep around here, guns, fireworks.

Your Majesty...

Quick Your Majesty, It's a revolution, you got to escape.

- They're storming the palace. - So that's the noise, the revolution.

- I'm free. I'm free. - My father, the man you pardoned.

Thank you Your Majesty, I thought I'd never live to see the day when I was once again...

Yes, yes.

Dad.

- What fool put a carpet on the wall? - Hurry up.

You're not as tall as you used to be, like the sun.

Hurry up quick. Hurry.

What the? Who designed this place?

That way, that way.

- There he is. - Wait, wait.

- You're making a big mistake. - In the name of the people of France...

- Frawnce. - Frawnce.

- We place you King Louis, under arrest. - But...

- Dot, dot, dot, you don't understand. - Take him away.

- Take them all away. - No, wait, I'm with you, I'm with...

- Sir... - Courage, my dear.

Watch me and take heart by my example.

I may not have been born a King or lived like a King...

but I can die like a King.

Your Majesty, you're next.

- Do you require a blindfold? - None.

- Have you any last words? - None.

Test the guillotine.

Holy shit, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Last request, last request. - What is your last request?

Yes, I, Novocain.

There is no such thing known to medical science.

- I'll wait. - Seize him.

Off with his head. Off with his head.

But please, listen to me, I'm not the King.

- Bullshit. - Bullshit.

- It's a very hard crowd. - Seize him.

Wait a minute, give me a break.

I don't want to die, don't hurt me, don't hurt me.

Only a miracle can save him.

It's Miracle.

I don't believe it, Josephus.

Hey baby, get down, get down. Jump. Get down. Come on.

How did you get all the way here from the Roman Empire?

Oh, don't be square Mon Cher, movies is magic.

- We had better kiss soon. - Why?

We're coming to the end, see?

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my love.

This is a big ending.

Wait, where are you going?

♪ We're Jews out in space... ♪

♪ We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race. ♪

♪ We're Jews out in space... ♪

♪ If trouble appears we'll put it right back in its place. ♪

♪ When Goyim attack us... ♪

♪ We'll give them a smack, we'll slap them right back in the face. ♪

♪ We're Jews out in space... ♪

♪ We're zooming along protecting the Hebrew race. ♪