Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Hill Street Blues...

I was, like, in the middle of a crisis.

Robin and me are back, and you're acting all jealous.

-Of what? -Robin.

Don't flatter yourself.

What if I took her for a test-spin?

You, uh... You mean a solo drive?

You mean you just let some guy just drive off in your bus like that?

Gina, what do you say we go out

and have a nice, quiet victory celebration?

Henry and I are going to the Red Lion.

-(chattering) -STAN: Item ten.

Lieutenant Hunter's motor home was stolen yesterday.

(murmuring)

The lieutenant has asked me to emphasize he doesn't want this handled any different

than any other grand theft auto.

-Meaning he never wants to see it again. -(laughter)

STAN: Uh, BCI shows a want on the perp.

He's a white male, mid-30s,

goes by the name Lawrence McKeever, real name, Lonny Stone.

He's wanted in Massachusetts for snatching his son, age six,

named, uh, Christopher, on a custody dispute.

The guy's been leapfrogging the country ever since in stolen vehicles.

Complete description upstairs. Now, item 11; assignments.

Officer Coffey is released from normal tour today.

He's going to be attending a lecture and a training session

with Sergeant Kass of the K9 corps.

(crowd barking)

That means, uh, Officer Buzhardt's gonna ride

with Sergeant Bates again today.

All right! Women! Women! Women!

Captain Furillo today is on a command retreat downtown

at the Hotel Marquis.

In his absence, Lieutenant Calletano has assumed station command.

-(mimics Ray) Captain Marvel! -(laughter)

Now, last item...

last item is from Division,

who would like us to know...

overtime is back.

-(all cheering) -Just call me "Double Shift" Hill!

(cheering, applauding)

So, we got these balmy temperatures.

We got the prospect of a few more bucks in our pocketbook.

Let's ride that good feeling. Let's get out there--

Let's do it to them before they do it to us.

(cheering, applauding)

(chairs scraping)

(telephone ringing)

-Officer Coffey, right? Sergeant Kass. -Nice to meet you.

Now, I got Ginger here and Baron.

-(chain clangs) -Oh, boy. (chuckles)

So, you guys gonna be nice to me on my first day or what?

Here you go, good manners. Shake hands.

Where's your manners? Come on, shake. (snap fingers)

There you go.

Baron's new, too. Don't worry.

-I got him from Customs. -(dog barking)

-Great. -Let's go.

Good morning, Stan, Howard.

-Ray. -Lieutenant Goldblume wasn't at home.

You started without me, but I'll forgive you.

I have planned no major shake-ups.

Stan to squad room, Howard, EATers, Henry, you'll--

Uh, I have a lunch today, Ray.

No problem. I'll cover for you, old sport.

Good, Howard

I appreciate the extra pitching in.

Well, let's have a good shift.

Yeah.

Oh, Frank, your retreat has been canceled?

No, no, no. You're still in command, Ray.

I just thought I'd take some paperwork along in case there's a break.

Maybe if I get lucky, somebody will phone in an emergency.

Looks good. You don't mind?

It's entirely appropriate.

Thanks.

WOMAN (on radio): Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

Armed robbery in progress.

See Surplus Store, corner People's Drive and 124th Street.

(sirens wailing)

(theme music playing)

RAY: How you doing, guys?

Just swell, sir.

I see you're drinking some of Rosa's tea.

That's Rosa's? That's nice.

I thought, "Why shouldn't we have a choice?"

BOBBY: Thanks, Lieutenant.

Any problems today?

-Because if you do have any problems-- -(hoarsely) It's this damn sore throat.

-Tea. -BOBBY: Right.

I'm here.

My office door is open.

Can you imagine if that hombre becomes a full-fledged capitano?

(mimics Ray) I know you have some problems.

That's why my door is always open.

Ugh! Just give the man a chance, Renko. He's a little nervous.

(in normal voice) This tea is bitter.

It's good for you.

-Hi. -Hi.

What are you doing here?

You forgot your lunch this morning.

I was gonna eat at the diner.

Oh, and you also forgot your dry-cleaning ticket.

Stuff's not ready until tomorrow.

-I know. I just wanted to see you. -(chuckles)

Hey, Sarge, what do you say? Change your mind about dinner tonight?

Can't. Bowling.

You won't believe a nice Italian girl like me

could make one of the world's great kielbasas.

Bowling league's not until tomorrow night, Sergeant.

I'm gonna redrill my ball.

So, another time, maybe?

Yeah.

I gotta go.

I love you.

How goes the loneliness of command, Ray?

So far, so good, Lieutenant.

You look terrible. Oversleep?

Uh-uh.

No sleep.

I have never in my life...

ever

spent a night like I spent last night.

You sound like a man in love.

I never thought of myself as a lover,

but last night this woman rotated me 180 degrees.

I am deeply...

physically, emotionally...

physically... in love.

It's like a building fell on me.

Hmm, I know what you mean.

Even after 22 years, every time Rosa and I make love,

it's like a building falling on me, too.

I'm happy for you.

Thanks, Ray.

If you want to talk, I'm free for lunch.

I got a date, remember?

But if an emergency comes up, you can find me at the Hotel Wellington.

(door opens, closes)

(door slams)

We're gonna be throwing the spotlight

on a lot of things you've been keeping buried,

resentments, animosities that have built up,

maybe some things you haven't even admitted to yourself yet.

Now, there are some ground rules.

Number one, there is no violence.

-You can yell, you can scream. -(chuckles)

But if you strike another guy, you're out.

Two, there's no rank here. We're all equals.

We're on a first-name basis. That's number three.

(in low voice) This is ridiculous.

So, I'm Mike.

Uh... and you're?

-(mouths) -I didn't hear that.

Warren.

Are you uncomfortable, Warren?

Would you like to take off your coat and tie?

(scoffs) What is that, part of the rules or what?

No, I'm just saying you can if you want to.

Oh, and there's no hardware here. You're not gonna need it,

although at times you may feel like you do.

(guns thud)

(police siren wailing)

(tires screech)

(chattering)

What can I do for you?

Officer...

Yes?

(stutters) I ran a light.

I thought if I stopped too fast I might lose control of the car.

RENKO: Uh-huh.

Anything else, officer?

Well, I think you might get that steering wheel checked out

-before it melts on you completely. -Huh?

-(chuckles) -Nothing, nothing.

Um, license and registrations, man.

(sighs)

-Paul Stover? Is that you? -Yes, sir.

RENKO: Hmm.

Is this your Stove, Mr. Car?

-Bobby... -Yes, sir.

Hmm?

-I know. -(both laughing)

Well, Mr. Stover, the good news,

we're gonna let you go with a warning today.

The other good news is that you win an award

for having the ugliest driver's license I ever saw in my life!

-(both laughing) -This picture, man--

You are allowed to wear your false teeth when you have them pictures taken.

(laughter)

I forgot them that day.

Forgot them that day. You're all right.

Just a moment, sir.

(both laughing)

You know what? I am about to just fall out, man.

Me, too.

(laughter continues)

He looked like Mister Ed.

(both laughing)

-Bobby... -Huh?

I feel strange.

I feel like someone has perpetrated something on us.

And I am certain that I am under the influence

of some illegal substance.

Yeah.

Strange.

Bobby...

Did I ever tell you

that I consider you to be the brother I never had?

Renko, you have a brother.

I know.

But sometimes I feel that...

you are me,

that... I'm over here

and you're over there.

You are me.

I love you, my brother. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I love you.

-Uh... -That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Vice versa, Andy.

-Vice versa, man. Ooh. -I know.

Can I get my license back?

Who are you?

Okay, clamps are on.

MAN: Bear with us, please.

I... I stalled out, officers. We're just about hooked up.

-Nice going stopping in the driving lane. -It's the only way I could get close.

Look, you're jamming traffic. Get it moved.

Jeez, we're almost hooked up. Could he just take it--

Get it moved or get it cited, pal.

Officer Buzhardt, check your item ten roll call.

Sight. Give me a position, please.

(thuds)

-Hey! -Okay, no mistakes now!

-Don't make me do something. -Just take it easy.

-Take it real easy. -Yeah, we'll all take it easy.

We all just recognized each other. Open the door, Chris!

We're going inside, Buzhardt. You're going inside with us.

Okay, okay, just don't kill me!

-I'm not gonna kill you. Come on. -Hey, hey, I got an idea.

Nobody's been hurt. The kid's there...

Just put that gun down, and we'll work it out. What do you say?

I'm with you, lady. Give me someone to talk to.

We'll work it all out.

Get the door. Get the door.

Get the windows, Chris!

(train rumbling)

(police sirens wailing)

-(tires screeching) -(helicopter whirring)

MAN: Bomb squad, get in position.

How are we doing, folks?

Got me someone to talk to?

Mr. Stone?

It's Lieutenant Howard Hunter.

Are you kidding me?!

Not on your life.

A little late getting back from my test-drive.

The hell with the vehicle, Mr. Stone.

I was hoping we could negotiate a safe conclusion to this situation.

How's your boy and Officer Buzhardt?

Everyone's hunky-dory.

No offense, Lieutenant.

Have you got the weight to make a deal?

I have full authorization to hear your request.

That's real clever how you put that, Lieutenant,

so in case you think we're gonna be dancing around

with word games like that, I want you to listen to somebody.

Look, he's not kidding.

He's gonna give you a real list, and he wants answers right away.

He's not kidding!

(inhales deeply)

Okay, Lieutenant?

So let's not dish out the crapola with your "allowed to hear what I want."

I'm gonna throw out this list.

If you can't give me answers, you read it to whoever can.

Then I want to hear from you.

Okay, here comes the list.

A little slower, Howard, please.

A twin-engine seaplane.

Raymondo, there is no way in God's green earth

that we are going to accede to those demands. Judas Priest.

-Why are you writing them down? -To have a record.

We have warrants from seven different states.

We've also heard from Massachusetts, and his ex-wife is flying here,

though I don't think we want him to know that.

Are you sure, Ray?

I mean, the only dents we seem to make in it

are on the subject of his boy's welfare.

Use your judgment.

But remember, this man kidnapped his son.

He may not think kindly of the mother.

How is Buzhardt?

Uh, she's a little frayed at the edges.

(clicks tongue)

Listen, I didn't mean to snap at you before, old sport.

That's all right, Howard

Frequent contact.

-HARRY: What do you call it, then? -I call it people being adult

and going out with who they want to go out with.

Yeah, I call it stealing.

Plus, he comes in this morning-- Is he man enough to tell me?

No. He tells Calletano.

-You're a child. Yes. -I'm a child?

You're right. I'm acting like a jerk.

If the woman doesn't want me, it's not Goldblume's fault.

Harry, there's lots of women out there who'd like to date you.

You, uh... You one of them, Pats?

Nice. Someone else loads your gun, you want me to pull the trigger.

GINA: Who is it?

It's the police, ma'am. Open up.

Is anybody else out there?

No, ma'am, just me.

Hi, Henry.

Holy moly.

Like it?

"Like" doesn't begin to describe it.

(clangs)

Hmm.

Maybe you better... come inside.

(chuckles softly)

Ever since you left this morning,

I haven't been able to think of anything else but you.

Me either.

I can't keep my hands off of you.

I admire that in a woman.

And it's not just sex, either,

not that the sex isn't incredible, because it is with you,

but it's deeper than sex.

It's like... we're fused.

I know.

Henry...

What?

I want you...

today...

tomorrow...

forever.

I want to make you happy in every conceivable way.

I totally, totally love you.

So... there I was, thinking I'd get a beating.

Well, I had a black eye.

Maybe I was more scared she'd start thrashing me, too,

for going to that playground.

But the thing Mom told me that day has stayed with me all my life.

"Fletcher, it's not the size of the dog in the fight,

it's the size of the fight in the dog."

Oh, please.

The men know that

that I'm a battler in my struggles for their welfare.

I may ruffle a few feathers along the way.

I'm not always a perfect gentleman.

But dammit, when you've got Daniels in your corner,

you've got him for all 15 rounds.

Excuse me.

-Where are you going? -It's killing me.

I can't stand it anymore.

You got something you want to tell me, Joe Daley?

Yeah. You're here talking all this time how the men respect you,

they know you're on their side.

You haven't the faintest idea what these cops think.

Suppose you tell me.

They think all you're concerned about is your image.

You couldn't care less about them.

That's not fair.

You were gonna clean things up.

The department has more rat holes than the North Street Bridge.

I've done everything in my power to eradicate corruption.

No, you haven't, Chief.

When push came to shove, it was what Joe said,

you were more concerned with the department's image than with its honesty.

Et tu, Frank?

Stan Mizell, Tony Marino, Jerry Fuchs, Joe Keenan's still getting a paycheck.

Who else?! Huh?

Who else hates my guts?

-I can't eat this. -(plate clangs)

Where's the milk I asked for?

Ulcer, Joe?

You know when I got it? When he took over the department.

Fletcher, how do you feel right now?

Oh, in a day of rancid stupidities, that question takes the cake.

How do you feel?

-Like I'm being savaged by a pack of dogs. -There you go.

That's what he thinks of us.

Why don't you check your watch, Joe?

Not every man has the privilege to know to the exact second

when his career ended.

-You're out of line. -Hey!

My career ended the day he took over the department.

Fair enough. No, that's fair.

You know why, Mike?

I got a snoot detector for mediocrity. He was finished when I came in.

JOE: And don't think I didn't know it,

and don't think it didn't hurt that I worked that way!

So what are you gonna do now, Fletch?

You gonna bury me in a desk somewhere?

So what? I got 18 years in.

Two more years and I'm out from under.

How is cooping in a desk gonna be any different

from how you've run the Ferry? Huh, Joe?

Guy's got more deadwood in his squad room than any other three captains.

Joe's idea of a personnel decision is hoping the man gets a back problem.

MIKE: Fletcher, if you could let go of your anger for just a minute,

I think you'd hear Joe trying to tell you something very important.

He's telling you

that he's a non-functioning cop.

He's marking his time with no commitment to the future, no hope.

Oh, you're breaking my heart!

Listen to what's being said.

MIKE: Now, I can't judge the validity of his allegations,

but I can validate that man's pain.

And the way he shut himself down just to survive.

And that hurts everybody. That hurts you.

-(exhales) -That hurts Joe.

But most of all, it hurts the department

because Joe's frustrations just can't be his.

They're symptomatic of something larger,

and it ought to be looked at...

with some care...

by every one of you here.

I wish I could give you something more definitive, Mr. Stone.

Uh, we haven't gotten "nos" and we haven't gotten "yeses."

-What we have are a bunch of "maybes." -(scoffs)

We ain't gonna get squat, Mr. Christopher.

Well, how do you know?

Maybe he really hasn't gotten any answers yet.

HOWARD: Mr. Stone, if we can just be patient...

They're gonna try to wear Father down.

They're gonna keep talking to Father,

giving him the hip, taking it away.

It's gonna be a lot like life.

Mr. Stone...

-(sighs) -Mr. Stone...

Sorry, Janie.

Mr. Stone...

Yeah.

Thanks for the insult to my intelligence, Lieutenant.

I figure this is probably a low-priority item,

what with a cop and kid being hostage.

You probably haven't been able to get through to anyone.

I've gotten through, Mr. Stone.

I just don't have any definitive answers.

We're gonna do this front to back, huh, Lieutenant?

We started lying to each other about this motor home.

We're gonna keep it up until you blow me away.

That doesn't have to happen, Mr. Stone.

Why don't you send your son out, sir?

Close it.

I kept it up as long as I could, son.

I can't see any way now.

But I don't want to go.

You've got to, Christopher.

Now you gotta go it alone.

Just remember all of it, all right?

When they tell you what it was and what it wasn't,

you remember all of it.

Come here.

Someone coming!

So long.

So long, Dad.

I love you.

(trailer door opens)

MAN: Trailer door open.

MAN: All right. It's the kid. It's the kid.

COP 1: Stay back, stay back, stay back.

COP 2: Holding position.

Mr. Stone, an officer is gonna pull up with your car now.

Do I gotta say, "May I"? Let's go!

It's coming. The car will be in position shortly...

Listen.

We can both get out. We can still both get out.

We are both getting out--

Canada.

Crisp days... very crisp nights.

Listen, they're not gonna let you out of here.

You're a smart guy. You gotta know they're not gonna let you leave.

HOWARD: Officer Buzhardt? Officer Buzhardt!

Here's what I hope it's like...

going to the doctor.

"Here comes the doctor. Close your eyes."

(screams)

You make a loud noise in your head, and you think of something till it's over.

Then it's over.

You got through it.

You faked your way through.

HOWARD: I need to hear Officer Buzhardt's voice, Mr. Stone.

(helicopter whirring)

That little boy loves you.

(sobs)

You got love in your life.

Don't die.

I'm not gonna screw around.

On position.

Prepare to assault.

BUZHARDT: Hold it!

Hold it, nobody fire!

-We're coming out! -Hold it! Hold it!

(indistinct conversations)

MAN: Standing by.

Come on out, Mr. Stone.

MAN 1: Appears to be unarmed.

Man 2: Suspect out. Suspect out.

Heads up. Heads up.

HOWARD: Okay, down. Down! Spread-eagle!

Ooh!

Christopher!

All right, dress him down.

Where's my son?

Where's my son?

Christopher...

Natalie, got a little agua for these hounds here?

Yeah, sure, there's a bowl around here somewhere.

Oh! Hello, doggies!

It's okay. She likes it right behind the--

(barking)

-(barking continues) -Hey, hey, easy!

-Easy! -Hey!

-Okay now, easy! -Easy, easy!

Easy, easy. Sit, sit, sit!

-What the hell's going on with them mutts? -Easy, easy there.

See what kind of goods we got here, huh, Baron?

(sniffs)

I don't know who the prankster is or what's going on here, but, uh...

you guys keep this stuff up here regular or what?

-What, that tea? -It's marijuana.

What do you mean, marijuana?

That's what they're taught to sniff out, Sarge.

What's the problem here?

Dog says your tea is marijuana.

Very high-quality stuff, by the sounds of them.

I was led to believe it was ordinary Orange Pekoe.

No. He don't bark at Pekoe.

I'm not a dog...

but to me, this smells like ordinary tea.

-(sniffs) -(dog whining)

Maybe with something mixed in.

Anybody here have an apple or an apple?

Hey, Sarge, um...

I know this is gonna sound funny,

but did anybody complain about being lightheaded?

I know with the weather being warm and everything,

it makes you feel kind of lightheaded, but--

Did either of you happen to have

any of Lieutenant Calletano's tea this a.m.?

Yeah, both of us.

It was loaded with marijuana.

Huh?

You and Andy are stoned.

-So am I. -(dog whines)

RAY: Stan, find out who else is stoned.

And make sure they stay off the street.

Right. Come on, let's clear out.

-Come on. -(barking)

Natalie, can we do this?

Lonny Stone a.k.a. Lawrence McKeever,

robbery, attempted murder, reckless endangerment, assault--

Hang on, Sarge. Let me catch up.

Lieutenant, a Mr. Stiglitz, line 4, Northwest Firemen's Insurance?

Aha!

Nice work, Jane.

NEAL: Package for you, Lieutenant.

...grand theft auto...

-Neal, got a scissors? -...out of state.

Thanks.

RENKO: Just in time to watch me go down.

Coming up for the execution?

You pathetic bastard!

Just don't screw up the kid, huh?

Just don't screw him up like you screwed up everything else!

Lieutenant, this is the boy's mother.

I know how difficult this is, but you must be prepared.

I know. I've been warned.

Are you all right?

I think so.

This way.

Yosemite, where the bears live.

Then we went someplace else and stayed.

-California? -(door opens)

Chris? Someone to see you.

Hi, Chrissy.

(sobs)

Oh-ho-ho, Henry, you hound!

You total Schnauzer.

Let me see it.

Oh! Man...

-We're talking 24k here. -Mm-hmm.

We're talking.

Aha!

"My life is yours. Gina."

Believe that? Brother.

Ah, Mr. Stud service-- Gotta flaunt it the one time you ever got it.

-You got a problem, Harry? -No, no problem.

Hey, guys, Henry tell you about the time I took him to the dating service?

They sent him an S&M queen.

-Hey, Garibaldi. -Lighten up, Harry.

You know, Lieutenant, that girl has been through a lot.

What she needs is somebody to take care of her,

not mess with her head.

Mess with her head?

That's right, mess with her head, which is what you're.

Hey! Cut it out, man! Cut it out!

Come on. Come on.

MAN: Keep it down, guys.

-Look... I'll tell her you said hello. -(clangs)

Come on, man.

(exhales)

NEAL: That was dumb...

That was dumb.

You know what gets me?

The guy is twice her age.

He's been married, he's got kids.

I bet his idea of a great night

is three hours of watching public television.

Twenty-four-carat gold, babe.

I'd say the lady's made her own choice.

FLETCHER: Okay.

Up to now, I've stayed out of things, pretty much.

Uh, that's okay. That means we're having a successful day so far.

I think you guys are doing terrific.

I feel like hell.

That's as expected.

Now, as far as I know,

no one's come up with a magical drug for emotional hurt.

But I do know this,

that old cliché, "no gain without pain," has a lot of bearing.

As far as I'm concerned,

I don't care if I ever see any of these guys again as long as I live.

Well, you just can't expect to shake hands

and forget about everything that's happened.

And when you put your guns on today and walk out of here,

I'm not saying you're healed.

But we're bringing a lot of poison to the surface.

Maybe in the days to come, you'll learn something about forgiveness.

Three days from now, maybe you'll call one of these guys up

and say, "Hey, I'm sorry," or "I didn't know,"

or even "Let's get together."

Now...

In that spirit...

does anyone have anything they want to say?

Yeah, I'd like to say something to Joe Daley.

Get a job.

Hey, that's a jerk crack!

(laughs) It's a joke!

I'm trying to introduce some levity.

God, you guys all take yourselves so seriously.

(scoffs)

Know what? I got something I want to say.

-I quit. -(thuds)

What are you doing?

-Fletcher, say something to the man. -Joe, Joe!

Hey, come on, Joe.

Honest to God, I think I mean it.

Come on, Fletcher. For crying out loud, tell him his job's okay.

Not just 'cause of what Fletch said. I don't need it.

I got a brother who died of a heart attack last year,

two years younger than me.

I want to lead a life.

I'm going home.

Joe, come on! We'll have lunch one day this week.

We'll iron it all out!

(door opens, closes)

Well, he'll... He'll be back tomorrow.

He'll change his mind. He'll be back.

Maybe not.

He's a man who's been very unhappy with what he's doing for a long time.

I don't believe this.

This is what's wrong.

This is what's wrong with this whole department here.

You all sit around here,

and you let a guy screw up his entire career like that.

He's got two years to go, two years, fellas.

And you let him walk out of here like that,

and nobody does anything?

We just watched a man commit professional suicide in this room!

Who says change has to be a bad thing?

I'm so sick and tired of your psychobabble baloney.

The next thing, you're gonna be saying that the reason I'm upset

is because I wish I was doing what Joe just did!

Nobody's saying that.

Oh, I'm sick of all of you.

I'm sick of the whole bunch of you. I'm sick of all of you--

the whole bunch of you!

(sighs)

-(telephone ringing) -(chattering)

Hey, Sarge.

What the hell is this?

Weekend shift.

I worked the last two weekends. You give it to somebody else.

If you can work out a trade on your own be my guest.

I've had a bellyful of this.

What's that, Detective?

Of you giving me and Robin the cold shoulder,

of you giving me this kind of crap!

You got no reason to treat me like this.

To what are you referencing, Detective?

Don't give me that "detective" crap.

I'm referencing me and Robin.

What do I have to do for you and me to be friends again, break up with her?

Of course not.

A young man like yourself, you should have a girl.

Then why are you making it like I gotta choose between you?

Look, I don't wanna be some old guy hanging around between the two of you,

you not knowing how to tell me to go home without hurting my feelings.

I got my pride.

Oh, hearing this makes me angry.

-Baloney-- -Yes, it is!

-Baloney-- -Yes, it is!

You picked me up when I was down.

You treated me special.

I never had a friend like that before.

I could talk to you like I used to talk to my father.

I'm not your father, and I don't wanna be.

And I don't want one!

I needed a friend.

I thought I had one. Maybe I was wrong.

(snoring)

STAN: Mrs. Furillo!

I beg your pardon. This is the ladies' room!

I beg your pardon, ma'am, this is the men's room.

Oh.

Well, I certainly hope so... for your sake.

Excuse me.

Here, give me that.

Look, Mick, I, uh...

I was hurt. I, uh...

I don't know. I felt left out in the cold, and I took it out on you.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

Pfft!

I'm sorry I said anything about my daughter.

Her problems are none of your damn business.

Hey, a lot of guys' daughters have drug problems.

But I'm just saying,

I do not want any of this coming back to me

-from anybody here, all right? -MIKE: It won't be.

We've all agreed to that.

Okay.

Home stretch, guys.

I want to put you on the spot one last time.

I think we can agree at this point that no one here's perfect.

Frank's perfect.

Thinks he is.

Assuming that, I'm gonna ask each of you in turn,

if there was one thing that you could change about yourself...

what would you change?

Like what?

I wish I wasn't going bald.

You mean like that?

I'm asking, if you could reach down into your guts

and change something fundamental about yourself,

about the way you live your life,

what would you change?

If I was Gene Scapizi, I'd change my underwear once in a while.

Hey, wise guy, once is a little funny, two is a little funny.

You've been sitting over there all day.

You do it one more time, I'm gonna come over,

I'm gonna put my fist down your throat. You understand, huh?

Big man, huh?

If I could change anything...

I'd change that I get so scared.

What scares you, Gene?

Sometimes...

everything.

What scares you the most?

What scares me the most?

What scares me the most is that maybe my wife is having an affair.

Not "scared maybe." You know she's having an affair.

I put in my hours...

I go out for some drinks with some of the guys after work.

I get home...

feeling dead inside.

Sometimes she's not even there.

I don't know how to tell her...

I love her.

I don't wanna ask her any questions

because I'm afraid of the answers.

My God, the woman is so beautiful.

(inhales)

She must have lost 20 pounds in the last six months.

She's gotta be doing it for somebody.

What would you change?

I just wouldn't want it to be like that.

What would you do to make it not like that?

Put my arms around her...

and tell her how beautiful she is.

And I don't care who she's getting herself beautiful for.

By God, I'd tell her...

I love her.

I'd tell her I don't want to feel dead inside anymore.

I hope you do that, Gene.

How about you, Pete?

Change my color.

Yeah.

God help me, that's what I would like to do.

I would like to just change my color.

Why?

Because, um...

I'm not as brave as I'm supposed to be

because I'd like things to be just a little bit easier!

What's your second choice?

(chuckles)

Okay...

Okay. Um...

Um...

I guess I would like...

(sighs)

...for my frustrations not to get to me all the time.

Seems like, um...

Sometimes I just... defeat myself.

How about you, Frank?

I don't think I can answer.

Told you. The guy thinks he's perfect.

No, I reject the premise.

I have to live with who I am, not who I'd want to be.

You can't sit here and speculate about yourself

as if you could reach down inside and amputate what you don't like.

But if you could? Uh, humor me.

That I have to keep myself reined in so tight.

What if you let go?

I can't trust myself.

I'm not like other people. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm capable of things that are monstrous,

so I have to take life as it comes, a day at a time.

A crap. I knew that's what this was.

That "crap" saved my life.

Getting hooked on meetings instead of bottles, huh?

Trading in your cocktails for a couple of catchphrases

and penny-ante psychology?

What do you need, Warren?

You're no better than the rest of us.

-I never said I was. -You say it every day.

St. Francis Furillo with his altar-boy manners

-and his Barbie-doll wife-- -Leave her out of it!

Frank! Hey, hey!

MIKE: Frank, Warren didn't mean anything. Come on.

I'm sorry.

Disown the behavior, Frank.

Don't disown the feelings.

You're as miserable as the rest of us, Furillo.

You're... You're as miserable as I am.

As I am.

Stan.

Oh, Ray, you wanna catch me up?

Frank, there is something I must explain.

I brought in some tea that had marijuana in it.

At least six people drank it.

Marijuana?

If there is an investigation, I will open house and heart.

I am innocent.

I spoke with Rosa.

It was the tea of her cousin Elvira from Ecuador,

who stayed with us last year.

I swear it.

I believe you.

But will Internal Affairs?

-Well, there been any citizen complaints? -No.

Then it'll never get to Internal Affairs.

Listen, I heard a cop was taken hostage today.

Yes. The release of Officer Buzhardt

was achieved without any loss of life or injury.

Well, I talked to Howard on the car phone, and he says that you held a steady hand

and made some sound judgments that helped the resolution.

I hope so.

Yes, yes, I believe so.

So, we have one meaningful victory,

and one defeat that we'll laugh off tomorrow.

I call that an above-average day.

Thank you.

Thank you.

In my seven years as Lieutenant,

this was only my second day of a station command.

I liked it.

I know.

-Mm, the munchies. -Mm-hmm.

Still feeling the aftereffects of Rosa Calletano's tea.

(laughs)

I can't remember what I used to like about the sensation.

Maybe it's age or wisdom,

but I don't like feeling so out of control.

Neither do I after today.

Oh.

Well, give me the dirt.

-Did Fletcher get his comeuppance? -Well, among others.

(laughs)

Do I gather our man Furillo was the target of some verbal blows?

Well, Warren Briscoe got in a few shots.

Really?

Nothing our man didn't already know.

Just put together with spit and baling wire,

and that the model still needed some work after it left the plant.

Well, sounds like he barely laid a glove on you.

It felt as if he was landing haymakers.

Mm.

Ooh! What's going on?

I'm... checking for bruises.

(both laughing)

FRANK: Wait a minute, wait a minute, a little to the left.

-JOYCE: Uh-huh. -(both laughing)

FRANK: Bingo.

(theme music playing)