Original subtitles

- Dracoola, lesbian spawn

and princess of the dark.

Usurper and plunderer of virgins' innocence.

Dracoola reigned over the world of the living dead,

taking pleasure from enslaving the weak.

For eons, Dracoola ruled the underworld

until she was destroyed in the year 1997 AD.

Wally Van Helsing, great-great-grandson of Dr. Van Helsing,

slewed the evil Dracoola with a garlic sandwich.

In death, the Dracoola family curse

was lifted upon young Van Helsing,

transforming him into,

Wallace Van Helsing, genius of science and finance.

A man on the go, go, go.

A leader of the modern world.

A man of charm and class unparalleled,

and a super chick magnet.

Good morning, sir. How are you? You're looking great.

- Hey!

- What a haircut, I love that tie!

- Great tie.

- Wally. Siegfried, Roy, what are you doing out your cage?

- Well, We're working, sir. - Working for you.

- Always trying to get money.

- Zip it. I heard a rather charming riddle this morning.

Would you like to hear it?

- Oh, of course. - Certainly.

- Right on. - We'd love to hear it.

- All right.

Why do women fake orgasm?

- We don't know, sir.

- Because they think we care.

- Shut up!

Wally!

- Yes, sir?

- I've got some great, good news for you.

- Oh, good.

- My boy, I am making you CEO of BBBI.

That's right, you're going to be the fat lady

in the ball of wax.

You're going to be the juice in the wire.

- Sir?

- All the way, my boy.

Big things, big, big things.

- You couldn't have made a better decision, sir.

I'm so glad. I'll do my best, sir.

We're gonna go straight to the top and I assure you, sir,

that you're gonna wish that you were my mama,

instead of me just calling you that

when I go to prostitute, sir.

A-der, da, der, da, der, da, der, der, da, der,

da, do, da, do, do, do, do, do.

All that's holy and unholy,

please, please, please come forth.

Bring Dracoola, mistress of that dark,

reborn from the land of Perf-ti-tif-sisers,

I don't know, something.

And rise! Rise Dracoola.

Rise and bring forth thou...

- Listen you two.

There's one thing you need to know in this company

if you're gonna get anywhere under my reign.

You're gonna have to learn to kiss a little bit better.

- Yes, sir.

- You, you are no good at it.

- Absolutely, sir.

- I suck ass.

- You are definitely a good ass sucker. I like you.

I'm gonna put you to work on the left side.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

- So you want us to get more behind in our work, huh?

Huh? Get it?

- Yeah, that's fuckin' funny.

When you get the title, you get to make the jokes.

- That's right, sir, You-

- Oh.

- Boys.

- Sir.

- It is with pleasure and no small deal of pride

that I hand the floor over to Wally, our new CEO.

Go ahead, my boy. Let us hear your thoughts.

- Thank you, sir.

- Yes, yes! Yes!

- About fucking time, old man.

- Yes, it's all about time, isn't it?

Go ahead, Wally my boy.

- That's right, sir.

- Not be more right?

Well, as your new CEO, I've been going over the paperwork,

checking out the papers.

And it's come to me that we need a plan.

- Plan. Plans are good. - Big plan, big plan.

- Times are right. - Move things.

- A plan is the only way to move forward in our business,

in our industry.

Because Big Big Business has had some good years.

- Yes.

- Very good years.

- Yes! - Very! Damn good!

- It hasn't been a damn long time that we've had

a damn good year.

So, I've come up with a plan.

A plan that will take us

from the worm we are in the rotten apple of industry,

and change us into a beautiful butterfly.

- Oh, pretty butterfly.

- Oh yes! - Good analogy, sir.

- It's all about the plan.

And the plan is thus.

- Tell us. Tell us. - Yes.

- I'm on the edge of my seat, sir.

- This is the plan.

- Okay, sir. Let's have it!

- You ready for the plan?

- I certainly am. - I sure am, sir.

- You want the plan.

- Yes! Yes!

- Oh, ho, ho, you want the plan.

- Please give it to us! - We want the plan!

- Give it to us! Please! - Give us the plan!

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I was just, uh, you know, cleaning this up,

it's a little bit dirty, you know.

- You want plan, don't you?

- Yes, we want it!

- You want to hear the plan, don't you?

- Give it to us wrong. - Just give it to us.

- I was gonna give you the plan like you never thought

you could have a plan given to you.

- What's the plan?

- The plan is...

- Yes?

- You all right, sir?

- Bottled water?

- Touch your ass?

- Bah! Pockets.

Pockets on everything.

Ties with pockets, socks with pockets,

underwears with pockets.

You put under, pockets on underwears, it just goes to show.

You'll make millions.

Oh, I have hair on my face.

Look, wait.

Yeah! Puberty's here!

Puberty's on my balls, puberty here!

Your pockets. See, look, you take this tie,

you put a pocket, millions!

You know what I'm saying?

- Grade A idea, sir.

- Never thought of that before,

been needing a pocket there.

- I can't touch your ass anymore.

- Oh, Christ,

fuck-o, that hurt.

- What did you call me?

- Ma'am.

Oh, Jesus Christ, look at that, lady.

That's gonna scar.

At least I can tell my friends I'm got a hickey.

- Oh. They will never believe you.

- You know, you got some fuckin' nerves there, woman.

'Cause if it wasn't for me,

you'd be fuckin' Tom scum dirt out in the field.

What do you think about that? You owe me.

And you could at least, you know, let me cop a feel

or something like that.

- Idiot!

Now I have a very important errand for you.

- Oh, oh, what do you want from the deli?

They have a great

- Shut up!

- Oof.

- I have a very important thing for you to do

and you'd better do it.

You need to kill the man who has imprisoned me

in dirt for so many years.

- Who would that be?

- It would be Wally Van Helsing.

- You sure you don't want ham on rye?

- You idiot! Listen to me!

I've had enough of idiots.

Okay? You must kill Wally Van Helsing.

Do you understand?

Now get over here!

- I understand. I think, uh, think I know where guy works

and stuff.

- Take this.

- Uh huh.

- And you shoot him dead.

Take it!

- I don't know if I could do that.

- Take the damn gun.

- Okay.

- You do not come back.

- Okay.

- Until you have killed him.

- Okay.

- 'Cause if you come back here, and you haven't killed him,

I will kill you!

- Where the hell is this gun?

- Shut up!

Get out of here.

- Idiots! Idiots, all of them!

- Now, Eugene, remember what Dracoola said.

- Forget about Dracoola.

Think about your cock. Yeah!

- What are you doing?

- I'm practicing.

- Practicing.

- Yeah.

- That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.

You're practicing for your date tonight?

- Yeah, with Tommy.

- Oh, are you telling me you've never kissed Tommy?

- I've never kissed anybody.

- No wonder-

- Why is that so funny?

- Well, I don't know.

I haven't practiced on the back of my hand

since I was about 13.

- How do you learn?

- Well, that's not how you learn.

- How do you learn?

- Well, I could teach you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You want me to show you?

- Okay.

- Wow. I've never done that before.

- How does it feel?

- It's good.

- Yeah?

You wanna try it again?

Wow.

- Sandy, do you know how to give a guy a blowjob?

- No.

- You need to understand that

if you want Tommy to like you,

there's certain things that you need to do.

I can show you those things, too.

- Okay.

- That actually feels kind of nice.

- Don't be so naive.

Hasn't anybody ever touched you here?

- No.

- There's lots of different things to do.

Just need to experiment.

- Okay.

- Feel good?

Yeah.

- That's all that matters.

Even better.

- So I says pockets is the way to make money.

Pockets is the way.

Sir? Money, please? Pockets.

Thank you. Thank you.

Have a nice day.

- Hello, sweet Wally.

I'm here to save you.

- Who the hell are you, lady?

You sure am ugly.

- That's not a very nice thing to say, little Wally.

I'm your fairy godmother, Brunhilde Van Helsing.

- Ah. Are you real?

- What do you mean?

- Well, sometimes I get these really bad visions.

- Yes.

- One time, I ate some bad chicken

and I ate the toes of my hamster.

- Have you eaten anything today, Wallace?

- Yes. I had my own feces.

- Well then my boy, I must be real.

- Oh yeah, I guess you must.

- Wally, I have come from the beyond to warn you

that your old nemesis has returned to haunt you again.

- How'd you know?

I mean, I knew my constipation would be acting up again.

You got any prune juice?

- No, Wally, not that.

- Some figs?

Maybe you could stick your pinkie finger up my ass

and worm it around a little bit.

- Wally.

- Hey, sometime if I hold my breath

and I hiccup and burp the same time,

shit just falls out my butt.

- Wally!

- It gets really, really wet.

Hell, my pants have been soaked for a month.

The hell does it matter now?

- Stop it. You are disgusting.

- Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me.

I'm a wreck.

- I'm not talking about that nemesis, you fool.

- Oh, you must mean my hemorrhoids.

- No, you imbecile!

Your ancient nemesis.

- Who?

- Dracoola, you moron.

The witch, which has cast a spell upon your head,

reducing you to the blithering fool that you have become.

- Me?

- Yes, you.

- Oh yeah.

But I still have no idea who Dracoola is.

- She's about this tall.

- No.

- She has fangs.

- Don't know.

- She wears a cape.

- Lady, you can talk till you're blue in the face.

I don't, I got, I'm clueless.

- Nice big, round boobies. You know, tits!

The things you were sucking on your mother

until you were 16.

- Oh yeah, the vampire chick.

Yeah.

She plays Silly Putty with her tits.

- That's the one.

- Yeah, so, what about her?

- You must kill her.

- Oh.

Why?

- Because of the curse.

- What curse?

- Shut up and listen.

That man that just kicked you.

- Yeah?

- He is Reinfield, Dracoola's slave.

Follow him. He will bring you to Dracoola.

Once you see her, drive a wooden stake through her heart.

- Ha, that's easy for you to say, bub.

- Do it. You are a Van Helsing.

- Okay, toots. Kill the vampire chick.

Got it. No problem.

- Yeah, if you could just fax me those reports.

Right.

Yeah, I mean today or-

Uh, come in.

Today or tomorrow.

Listen, I have an interview.

I'll talk to you soon.

Margaret?

Hi, Margaret.

I am Diane Shelton, we spoke over the phone.

- Pleasure to meet you.

- How do you do? Sit down.

- I'm good.

How are you today?

- I'm okay.

Okay, so are you ready for this interview?

- Yes, I am.

I was born ready.

- So when did you move out here?

- Well, I've been going, I've been here for about a month.

I've been going place to place.

- Okay, so why don't you tell me

a little about yourself, Margaret.

I know you're from the Midwest here.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's just, I mean, you know, what do you,

what do you like to do outside of work and stuff?

- Well, I mean, when I was in school,

I dedicated most of my time to researching the subjects

that I was studying and spending time in the library.

And then I, I, I dated sometimes, you know,

but men were just always,

you know, between school and occasionally going out

with men, I mean, there wasn't a whole lot of free time.

I went to the gym, you know,

two or three times a week to try to keep

my figure looking nice.

- Oh, the gym is very important.

- Yes.

- Especially if you want to keep your breasts

nice and supple.

I mean, of course, you know, you have to

make sure that everything is nice and toned.

- Yes, of course.

- Now you said you were dating and that didn't...?

- They never satisfied me, and then-

- Really?

- So, yes, I, I can't, I don't know what's wrong.

I don't think anybody just, I don't think they get it.

I don't think they understand it.

But that's more personal in association.

- Sure, sure, but see, here at Davidson and Davidson,

I like to definitely maintain a very personal relationship

also with my fellow employees.

So, you know, of course, you know, we definitely need to

discuss business, but business aside,

I also like to get personal, because we're family here.

- You're gonna have to lose the, the blazer.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, that's very unprofessional here.

I wear one because, you know, obviously I'm in an office.

- Right.

- But you are gonna be out there.

- I, I completely understand. Yeah.

- Okay, the blazer needs to go.

Also, we have a required a hem line here.

And I'm sure you're familiar with this from other companies.

- This line, can you stand up for a second please?

- Sure, sure.

- Uh, way too short.

- Way too short is what we like here.

- Oh, okay. I was like.

- And this is going to have to come up a little higher.

- Especially if you wanna work here.

Do you wanna work here, Margaret?

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Okay, well then this needs to come up.

- Do you want me to roll it up?

- Sure, that's fine. That's fine.

- Okay.

- So, did you kill Wally?

- Oh, uh, no.

But there was some really hot looking chicks over at the-

- What do you mean you did not kill Wally?

- I don't know, he got fired or something, I don't know.

I'll check the unemployment line, you know, tomorrow.

- I'm going to kill you!

- Stupid idiot!

What happened to Wally?

I told you to kill him, I told you.

- I will get Wally.

I'll get you lesbians, you like lesbians, don't ya?

- Lesbians?!

If I wanted lesbians, I'd get them myself.

You obviously couldn't get me a lesbian

if you tripped over one!

- What do you want from me?

- Stupid idiot, I want you to kill Wally!

- Okay, I can do that. I can do that.

- Is that the quarter over there?

- Oh, will you look at that.

A quarter.

- That smell.

- I'd know that smell anywhere.

- Wally?

Wally Van Helsing?

- Ah hi, there, fuck-o.

I'm behind Dracoola the Invincible.

Can't get me now, can't get me now, can't get me now.

Can you get me here?

No, you can't get me.

- Shut up.

- Okay. I'm sorry.

- I'm going to kill you.

- Nah, nah, nah, not so fast lady.

Want a bite of the sandwich? Huh?

- No, you are not going to pull me with that again.

- Why, are you a chicken?

Chicken. Bok-bok-bok-bok.

- No, I am not chicken.

- Then eat it, jerk nut.

- Give me this.

- Go ahead. It's good for you.

- What is in this?

- You don't wanna kill me on an empty stomach, do you?

- There's no garlic in here.

- What do you think? Go ahead.

- I think you would put garlic in here

like you did last time, you idiot!

- What, you think I'm stupid or something?

- Well then I will eat it.

- Go ahead.

- I will show you.

- That's right, you know, you don't wanna go drinking

all my blood on an empty stomach, do ya?

- You like it?

Tasty, right?

- What was in that?

- Stake.

That's do-

Uh, uh, oh.

Oh my God. Where in God's name am-

What's happened? Oh! Polka dots?

Where in God's name am I?

What am I doing out here in this outfit?

Carlson.

Yes, come and get me immediately.

I don't know where the fuck I am,

but if you want to keep your job,

you better will get here very fast,

because I'm freezing and I'm wearing the most ugly clothes

and I need somebody to explain this for me.

Just follow my signal, I don't know.

You silly boob, find me!

- Yeah, so make sure that 10 o'clock meeting is canceled.

Make sure my 12:30's move back to 11 o'clock,

make sure I'm confirmed on the one o'clock flight.

Bitbo, I saw some dog piss out there

when you get a toothbrush and get on that.

So anyways, I told him to get that bitch

to put out or get out.

And that's the way you gotta be with these turds.

Otherwise they're gonna walk all over you.

- Okay, you're looking for work, I see.

You can come in tomorrow for an interview.

Just make sure you wear something tight and short.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Come on in.

Come in.

- Go! Just go through the door.

I'm not a dork, you're a dork.

- Hi, ladies.

- Sorry.

- What's up?

- Okay.

It's hot in here.

- Basically, Dottie and...

Take your shirt off.

- Margaret,

what it's come down to is that you both are equally talented

and extremely intelligent, versatile young women.

However, I can't seem to make up my mind.

So I think I'm going to have to test you both

simultaneously. Okay?

So that means to remove all the clothing now.

- Lost some of your clothes, Margaret.

- She didn't have any and she was running down the hallway.

- I left them.