All language subtitles for Two.and.a.Half.Men.S04E10.Kissing.Abe.Lincoln.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-MC-eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German Download
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,351 --> 00:00:06,600 So you understand the situation? 2 00:00:06,601 --> 00:00:08,184 I think so. 3 00:00:08,185 --> 00:00:11,227 Now that we're not married anymore you wanna sell my condo. 4 00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:14,353 No, no. It's our condo. I got it for us. 5 00:00:14,354 --> 00:00:20,438 Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real-estate adviser was my penis. 6 00:00:20,439 --> 00:00:25,105 Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft? 7 00:00:25,106 --> 00:00:27,398 I don't think so. 8 00:00:27,399 --> 00:00:30,232 My point is, I can't afford to carry the mortgage. 9 00:00:30,233 --> 00:00:33,066 But if we sell it, then we can split the profit. 10 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:35,109 Or I could buy you out. 11 00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:38,943 - Do you have money? - I will after we sell. 12 00:00:38,944 --> 00:00:40,777 Kandi, I am at the end of my rope. 13 00:00:40,778 --> 00:00:44,904 If I can't get out from under these bills, I may well have to declare bankruptcy. 14 00:00:44,905 --> 00:00:46,487 Wow. 15 00:00:46,488 --> 00:00:50,739 - That sounds really serious. - It is. Deadly serious. 16 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:53,574 Well, in that case... 17 00:00:54,991 --> 00:00:56,823 ...wanna have sex? 18 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,657 - What? - I'm horny, you're stressed... 19 00:00:59,658 --> 00:01:02,034 ...seems like we'd both benefit. 20 00:01:02,035 --> 00:01:04,533 Well, I am really stressed. 21 00:01:04,577 --> 00:01:06,535 No, that's not gonna solve anything. 22 00:01:06,536 --> 00:01:09,453 Okay, well, I'm gonna go take a shower. 23 00:01:09,454 --> 00:01:14,900 - Let me know if you change your mind. - I changed my mind. 24 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:22,954 I either drank too much... 25 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:25,541 ...or got hit by a train. 26 00:01:29,126 --> 00:01:32,543 - Oh, God, train. - Charlie? 27 00:01:35,502 --> 00:01:36,960 Oh, look. 28 00:01:36,961 --> 00:01:40,420 It's my sweet angel come to take me to heaven. 29 00:01:40,421 --> 00:01:42,919 Don't touch me. 30 00:01:43,338 --> 00:01:45,088 I hope you're proud of yourself. 31 00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:46,588 Well... 32 00:01:46,589 --> 00:01:51,631 ...I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of. 33 00:01:51,632 --> 00:01:54,006 You are such a child. 34 00:01:54,007 --> 00:01:57,508 Many people find that to be an endearing quality. 35 00:01:57,509 --> 00:01:59,967 I'm not one of them. 36 00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:02,466 It would appear not. 37 00:02:03,469 --> 00:02:07,344 - We had fun last night, though, right? - Oh, terrific. 38 00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:10,220 What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep... 39 00:02:10,221 --> 00:02:14,137 ...while he's in the middle of reciprocating? 40 00:02:14,138 --> 00:02:19,535 Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln. 41 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,306 Uh-oh. 42 00:02:30,852 --> 00:02:32,102 Okay. 43 00:02:32,103 --> 00:02:33,435 Just some underwear. 44 00:02:33,436 --> 00:02:35,811 No need to panic. 45 00:02:35,812 --> 00:02:39,300 And a little bit of makeup. No biggie. 46 00:02:39,313 --> 00:02:42,979 Running shoes, reading glasses, flannel nightgown... 47 00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:46,397 ...and the latest issue of Modern Bride magazine. 48 00:02:46,398 --> 00:02:48,896 Red alert. 49 00:02:49,316 --> 00:02:51,814 - Lydia? - What? 50 00:02:53,484 --> 00:02:57,692 I couldn't help but notice that you put some of your stuff in one of my drawers. 51 00:02:57,693 --> 00:03:02,069 Yeah. Hey, you wanna come in here and make up for last night? 52 00:03:02,070 --> 00:03:05,694 Well, yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing. 53 00:03:05,695 --> 00:03:08,071 Okay. 54 00:03:08,072 --> 00:03:10,570 Talk. 55 00:03:12,989 --> 00:03:15,447 Four score and seven years ago... 56 00:03:15,448 --> 00:03:21,035 ...our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation. 57 00:03:50,042 --> 00:03:52,042 Morning. 58 00:03:52,043 --> 00:03:55,127 That was a great shower. 59 00:03:56,127 --> 00:04:01,795 Yeah. You know, it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you did going in. 60 00:04:01,796 --> 00:04:04,420 - So, what are you doing? - Just practicing. 61 00:04:04,421 --> 00:04:06,129 - For what? - Nothing in particular. 62 00:04:06,130 --> 00:04:12,215 - Just keeping sharp for my work. - Oh, yeah, your little jingle thing. 63 00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:15,444 Hard to believe that takes practice. 64 00:04:23,052 --> 00:04:27,302 Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast and Earl Grey tea. 65 00:04:27,303 --> 00:04:33,489 Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jetpack and a waistline. 66 00:04:37,848 --> 00:04:42,585 You really thought she was gonna make you breakfast. 67 00:04:47,601 --> 00:04:50,099 - Yo, bro. - Hey. 68 00:04:50,143 --> 00:04:52,477 - How'd it go with Kandi? - Great. 69 00:04:52,478 --> 00:04:54,518 Just great. 70 00:04:54,519 --> 00:04:57,728 Turns out we can be friends with benefits. 71 00:04:57,729 --> 00:05:00,312 Nice. And did she agree to sell the condo? 72 00:05:00,313 --> 00:05:02,271 What? 73 00:05:02,272 --> 00:05:05,189 Isn't that why you went over there in the first place? 74 00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:07,688 Oh, yeah. 75 00:05:08,232 --> 00:05:10,900 Son of a bitch. 76 00:05:11,066 --> 00:05:12,982 Charlie... 77 00:05:12,983 --> 00:05:14,941 - ...you need to talk to your maid. - Shh-shh! 78 00:05:14,942 --> 00:05:17,984 - Keep your voice down. - Yeah, we don't use the M-word here. 79 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,234 Why not? 80 00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,235 - Because it's disrespectful. - Demeaning. 81 00:05:21,236 --> 00:05:23,734 And wildly inaccurate. 82 00:05:27,404 --> 00:05:30,362 The point is, Berta's the one who keeps this house running... 83 00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:32,447 ...and more important, she's like family. 84 00:05:32,448 --> 00:05:35,197 She's rude, offensive and vulgar. 85 00:05:35,198 --> 00:05:37,907 Okay, exactly like family. 86 00:05:38,324 --> 00:05:39,740 Fine. 87 00:05:39,741 --> 00:05:44,658 See if she'll do that thing with the ice cubes and the silk handkerchief you like. 88 00:05:44,659 --> 00:05:47,158 Come on, sweetie, don't be like that. 89 00:05:47,159 --> 00:05:49,076 Ice cubes and a silk handkerchief? 90 00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:52,494 You can also use a Popsicle and a necktie. 91 00:05:52,495 --> 00:05:55,902 But I do owe you a silk handkerchief. 92 00:05:56,705 --> 00:05:59,953 And your water pick's kind of iffy. 93 00:06:01,747 --> 00:06:06,084 And whatever you do, don't lick your hairbrush. 94 00:06:11,425 --> 00:06:14,009 I'm sorry to come over here and bother you again. 95 00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:16,801 We never finished talking about selling the condo. 96 00:06:16,802 --> 00:06:18,635 But I don't wanna sell the condo. 97 00:06:18,636 --> 00:06:21,135 I can see boats from here. 98 00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:24,720 I understand, but I can't afford the payments. 99 00:06:24,721 --> 00:06:27,305 I like boats. 100 00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:31,389 All right, well if you won't cooperate... 101 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:35,098 ...I'll just have to call my lawyer. What are you doing? 102 00:06:35,099 --> 00:06:38,099 Chester lost his bone. I'm looking for it. 103 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,141 Now? Can't it wait? 104 00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:44,143 No. When Chester wakes up from his nap, he's gonna want his bone. 105 00:06:44,144 --> 00:06:46,642 You can keep talking. 106 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:53,465 Okay, well, as I said, if you won't be reasonable, I'll just have to- 107 00:06:55,689 --> 00:06:58,187 Have to what, Alan? 108 00:06:58,648 --> 00:07:01,607 Son of a bitch. 109 00:07:10,443 --> 00:07:12,942 What the-? 110 00:07:13,736 --> 00:07:16,234 We need to talk. 111 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,195 - Okay. - I don't mind your girlfriends... 112 00:07:22,196 --> 00:07:25,363 ...throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. 113 00:07:25,364 --> 00:07:28,989 I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. 114 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:34,283 But this broad is taking advantage of my easy-going nature. 115 00:07:34,284 --> 00:07:38,825 Now, to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes. 116 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:43,827 Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass. 117 00:07:43,828 --> 00:07:45,244 All right, all right. 118 00:07:45,245 --> 00:07:47,494 You know what she said to me, Charlie? 119 00:07:47,495 --> 00:07:50,245 She said I need to learn my place around here. 120 00:07:50,246 --> 00:07:51,912 Oh, she didn't. 121 00:07:51,913 --> 00:07:54,497 Ah, but she did. 122 00:07:55,665 --> 00:07:57,497 Is that true, Charlie? 123 00:07:57,498 --> 00:08:01,196 Do I need to learn my place around here? 124 00:08:01,666 --> 00:08:03,165 No, we all know your place. 125 00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,667 - Where is that place? - Wherever you want it to be. 126 00:08:05,668 --> 00:08:08,834 There is only room for one alpha dog in this house. 127 00:08:08,835 --> 00:08:10,918 - I know. - Who is that alpha dog, Charlie? 128 00:08:10,919 --> 00:08:12,126 - You are. - Say it. 129 00:08:12,127 --> 00:08:13,961 - You're the alpha dog. - Aw. 130 00:08:13,962 --> 00:08:16,460 You sweet talker you. 131 00:08:17,837 --> 00:08:21,405 We'll just pretend that's morning wood. 132 00:08:35,009 --> 00:08:37,343 Hey, how's it going? 133 00:08:37,344 --> 00:08:39,885 Well, look who's finally up. 134 00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,052 I need some lotion on my back. 135 00:08:42,053 --> 00:08:44,261 Oh, sure. 136 00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:47,304 Listen, I have to talk to you about Berta. 137 00:08:47,305 --> 00:08:50,712 For God's sake, Charlie, grow a pair. 138 00:08:52,306 --> 00:08:54,056 Is this your house or hers? 139 00:08:54,057 --> 00:08:57,806 Well, my name's on the deed, but she was here first. 140 00:08:57,807 --> 00:09:00,515 Thing is, over the years, Berta and I have developed... 141 00:09:00,516 --> 00:09:02,683 ...a really nice working relationship and- 142 00:09:02,684 --> 00:09:05,182 Do my thighs. 143 00:09:06,727 --> 00:09:07,934 Right. 144 00:09:07,935 --> 00:09:11,603 And the key to a happy home, I find, is to not rock the boat... 145 00:09:11,604 --> 00:09:13,353 ...not tamper with that balance. 146 00:09:13,354 --> 00:09:16,479 - Make the effort to treat her- - Where is she now? 147 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,813 Huh? She went shopping. 148 00:09:18,814 --> 00:09:21,312 Anybody else around? 149 00:09:21,315 --> 00:09:23,230 No. Anyway, the thing with Berta- 150 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:26,732 Why don't you put sunscreen on your cute little bottom? 151 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:30,691 - What for? - I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn. 152 00:09:30,692 --> 00:09:33,191 Why would I get a nasty-? 153 00:09:34,152 --> 00:09:36,650 Oh, you mean sex. 154 00:09:37,069 --> 00:09:41,696 Good thing you're pretty because you're very slow. 155 00:09:44,922 --> 00:09:47,750 "Who's the alpha dog, Charlie?" 156 00:09:48,632 --> 00:09:51,130 "Grow a pair, Charlie." 157 00:09:54,508 --> 00:09:57,006 Hey, Alan, come here. 158 00:09:57,468 --> 00:09:59,091 What's going on? 159 00:09:59,092 --> 00:10:00,884 I'm doing Lydia's laundry. 160 00:10:00,885 --> 00:10:03,713 Can I throw in my handkerchief? 161 00:10:04,511 --> 00:10:07,969 It wouldn't help. You probably have to burn it. 162 00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:10,928 Okay. And why are you doing Lydia's laundry? 163 00:10:10,929 --> 00:10:12,512 Because Berta won't. 164 00:10:12,513 --> 00:10:16,263 - Then why doesn't Lydia do it herself? - Because I told her I'd get Berta to do it. 165 00:10:16,264 --> 00:10:17,722 Aha. 166 00:10:17,723 --> 00:10:19,681 Do you have any idea how to do laundry? 167 00:10:19,682 --> 00:10:22,348 You wash them, you dry them, how tough could it be? 168 00:10:22,349 --> 00:10:24,987 So, what do you need me for? 169 00:10:25,017 --> 00:10:27,516 Which one's the washer? 170 00:10:30,518 --> 00:10:33,602 - That one. - Thanks. 171 00:10:34,853 --> 00:10:37,442 Just kidding, it's that one. 172 00:10:38,896 --> 00:10:41,484 Sorry, it was the first one. 173 00:10:41,897 --> 00:10:44,934 Look, it says "wash" on the dial. 174 00:10:45,565 --> 00:10:49,398 Okay. Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick them in. 175 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:53,816 It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. 176 00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:57,664 Let's start by separating her delicates. 177 00:10:57,734 --> 00:11:01,462 How is that not like a cocktail waitress? 178 00:11:02,236 --> 00:11:05,361 The reason you do these separately is they're mostly synthetic. 179 00:11:05,362 --> 00:11:10,737 Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress. 180 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,280 Charming. Hand me the detergent. 181 00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:14,989 This stuff here? 182 00:11:14,990 --> 00:11:21,741 No, no, that's fabric softener. You put that in after the first rinse cycle. 183 00:11:21,742 --> 00:11:25,617 You know what? Maybe I'll just buy her some new clothes. 184 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,576 Don't be such a baby. 185 00:11:27,577 --> 00:11:30,411 Detergent. See? 186 00:11:30,577 --> 00:11:33,076 There we go. 187 00:11:33,578 --> 00:11:37,788 Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle, done. 188 00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:42,162 What's that? 189 00:11:42,915 --> 00:11:47,082 That would be water entering the washing machine. 190 00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:49,581 Amazing. 191 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,037 Yeah, it's pretty cutting edge. 192 00:12:00,337 --> 00:12:02,835 Did I break it? 193 00:12:02,921 --> 00:12:05,419 Close the lid. 194 00:12:08,631 --> 00:12:11,129 Son of a gun. 195 00:12:23,427 --> 00:12:26,095 What will they think of next? 196 00:12:26,636 --> 00:12:29,427 Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine... 197 00:12:29,428 --> 00:12:34,425 ...that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. 198 00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:41,306 Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what? 199 00:12:41,307 --> 00:12:42,973 We wait. 200 00:12:42,974 --> 00:12:45,432 - How will we know when they're done? - Don't worry. 201 00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:48,808 The machine will call you on your cell phone. 202 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,307 Really? 203 00:12:58,103 --> 00:13:01,228 I don't know what Berta's always complaining about. This is fun. 204 00:13:01,229 --> 00:13:03,770 Well, you're dealing with pretty girl underwear. 205 00:13:03,771 --> 00:13:08,230 Berta's gotta handle Jake's skivvies after P.E. and pudding pops. 206 00:13:08,231 --> 00:13:10,730 Good point. 207 00:13:10,773 --> 00:13:13,606 - What are you doing? - Pouring a glass of vodka. 208 00:13:13,607 --> 00:13:17,442 Is that part of doing the laundry? Because I could really get into this. 209 00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:19,608 No, I'm just mad at myself. 210 00:13:19,609 --> 00:13:21,901 Well, in that case, pour me one. 211 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,400 I'm mad at you too. 212 00:13:26,112 --> 00:13:29,112 - So, what's the problem? - I went over to Kandi's again. 213 00:13:29,113 --> 00:13:30,487 And how did that go? 214 00:13:30,488 --> 00:13:32,529 Not only are we not selling the condo... 215 00:13:32,530 --> 00:13:35,363 ...I may have promised to buy her a new fridge. 216 00:13:35,364 --> 00:13:36,989 - Alan. - She likes getting ice... 217 00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:39,115 ...without having to open the door. 218 00:13:39,116 --> 00:13:41,115 You poor whipped sap. 219 00:13:41,116 --> 00:13:43,949 - Me? What about you? - What about me? 220 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,200 - Charlie, you're doing a woman's laundry. - No. 221 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:48,242 That's just me trying to pitch in. 222 00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:51,118 Face it. Lydia's got you wrapped around her little finger. 223 00:13:51,119 --> 00:13:53,618 She does not. 224 00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:56,118 She uses this one. 225 00:13:56,745 --> 00:14:00,603 And it's not so much wrapped as skewered. 226 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,831 Who's using my washing machine? 227 00:14:04,832 --> 00:14:08,957 Excuse me, but it's my washing machine and I'm using it to wash Lydia's clothes. 228 00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:10,457 You're doing laundry? 229 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,666 Hey, it's not rocket science. 230 00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:14,792 Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle. 231 00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:17,251 But first, you separate the delicates. 232 00:14:17,252 --> 00:14:20,290 - Is that so? - Yeah, that's so. 233 00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:24,293 That's probably them now. 234 00:14:26,338 --> 00:14:28,045 Hello? 235 00:14:28,046 --> 00:14:32,833 Oh, hey, Mom. I thought you were my washing machine. 236 00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:45,509 Oh, come on, throw the ball, throw the ball. 237 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,009 Or fall down. 238 00:14:49,386 --> 00:14:52,262 - Charlie, I'm leaving. - Bye. 239 00:14:54,513 --> 00:14:57,011 I'd like a kiss. 240 00:15:02,389 --> 00:15:05,108 She's still there, isn't she? 241 00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:07,432 Yep. 242 00:15:07,433 --> 00:15:09,266 Just kidding, sweetie. 243 00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,850 That's better. 244 00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:12,433 Goodbye, Jake. 245 00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:14,309 I'm not kissing you. 246 00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:18,185 Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow. 247 00:15:18,186 --> 00:15:20,311 So I'll borrow Berta for a couple of hours. 248 00:15:20,312 --> 00:15:22,478 Say what? 249 00:15:22,479 --> 00:15:23,936 I'm talking to Charlie. 250 00:15:23,937 --> 00:15:25,979 You don't mind, do you? 251 00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:29,577 - Mind? Well, I- - You wanna borrow me? 252 00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:32,357 What am I, a carpet steamer? 253 00:15:32,648 --> 00:15:36,274 I'm not saying I won't pay you. Plus, you can take home all the leftovers. 254 00:15:36,275 --> 00:15:40,859 Why don't you just toss them all in a big bowl and I'll eat them out in the yard. 255 00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:44,109 That's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor. 256 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,193 You wanna do me a favor? Take the money you were gonna pay me... 257 00:15:47,194 --> 00:15:49,986 ...convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over and- 258 00:15:49,987 --> 00:15:52,485 Berta, Berta, Berta. 259 00:15:55,613 --> 00:15:59,448 I don't have to stand here and listen to this. You have to make a decision. 260 00:15:59,449 --> 00:16:02,324 It's her or me. 261 00:16:02,490 --> 00:16:04,989 The skank's right, Charlie. 262 00:16:05,783 --> 00:16:08,281 It's her or me. 263 00:16:10,410 --> 00:16:12,118 Great. 264 00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:14,617 That's just great. 265 00:16:14,995 --> 00:16:19,302 Did somebody say there was a big bowl of food? 266 00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:25,705 You got an offer on the condo? 267 00:16:25,706 --> 00:16:28,289 Oh, Mom, you're a lifesaver. 268 00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,832 I don't care. I fully expect to take a loss. 269 00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:33,874 At least I don't have to pay you a commission. 270 00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,667 Oh, come on, you're my mother. 271 00:16:36,668 --> 00:16:39,334 Wait, wait. Hang on, I've got another call coming in. 272 00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:43,752 Hello? Oh, Kandi. Kandi, hello. Yeah, listen, about the condo. 273 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:47,503 My mom just got a very reasonable offer and- 274 00:16:47,504 --> 00:16:50,462 I give up, what are you wearing? 275 00:16:50,547 --> 00:16:55,513 Hang on. Mom, I gotta go. Kandi, I'll be right there. 276 00:16:58,132 --> 00:17:00,006 Hey, is Berta here? 277 00:17:00,007 --> 00:17:02,508 - I haven't seen her. - Great. 278 00:17:02,509 --> 00:17:05,675 I admit, I never thought you'd have the cojones to fire Berta. 279 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,634 Are you kidding? 280 00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:13,741 I've got huge cojones. Why do you think I wear these baggy shorts? 281 00:17:15,012 --> 00:17:18,080 Wait, wait, wait. You fired Berta? 282 00:17:18,097 --> 00:17:19,887 Yes, Alan. 283 00:17:19,888 --> 00:17:22,305 She didn't know her place and she had to go. 284 00:17:22,306 --> 00:17:25,264 But we can't live without Berta. 285 00:17:26,015 --> 00:17:27,723 I'll be right there, sweetie. 286 00:17:27,724 --> 00:17:30,222 Hurry. 287 00:17:30,725 --> 00:17:33,642 You know what? We need to work on our communication skills. 288 00:17:33,643 --> 00:17:34,892 I always thought that. 289 00:17:34,893 --> 00:17:39,477 - I didn't think you'd be open- - No, no, no, you jackass. 290 00:17:39,478 --> 00:17:43,937 God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin. 291 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:47,312 - You mean you didn't fire Berta? - That's it, give me the mandolin. 292 00:17:47,313 --> 00:17:50,146 You promised Berta you'd get rid of Lydia. 293 00:17:50,147 --> 00:17:52,980 - Alan, do you know what this is? - No. 294 00:17:52,981 --> 00:17:55,520 Then shut your stupid mouth. 295 00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:57,982 And don't tell Berta she was here. 296 00:17:57,983 --> 00:18:00,608 Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying. 297 00:18:00,609 --> 00:18:03,107 I'm always lying. 298 00:18:03,526 --> 00:18:05,859 I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. 299 00:18:05,860 --> 00:18:09,110 Yeah, you're the smart one. Know how I know? 300 00:18:09,111 --> 00:18:12,629 The washing machine called and told me. 301 00:18:18,572 --> 00:18:21,320 Ooh! High heels and Cool Whip. 302 00:18:30,826 --> 00:18:33,493 Oh, Charlie, how could you? 303 00:18:34,077 --> 00:18:37,076 Berta, this is not what it looks like. 304 00:18:37,077 --> 00:18:39,077 Charlie, you lied to me. 305 00:18:39,078 --> 00:18:42,566 Lydia, this is not what it looks like. 306 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,496 - That's it, I'm out of here. - Me too. 307 00:18:45,497 --> 00:18:51,023 Berta? Lydia? Come on, wait. This is not what it looks like. 308 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:56,886 Say it a few more times, Charlie. Maybe somebody'll believe you. 309 00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:02,876 Berta. Berta, Berta, Berta. Wait, wait, wait. You can't quit. 310 00:19:02,877 --> 00:19:06,043 - Why not? - We're family. We love each other. 311 00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:09,670 - We forgive each other our shortcomings. - Oh, bite me. 312 00:19:09,671 --> 00:19:11,212 Don't go. Don't go. 313 00:19:11,213 --> 00:19:13,379 I promise I'll break it off with her. 314 00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:17,171 No, you won't. You wanna know why? Because you are addicted to this broad. 315 00:19:17,172 --> 00:19:20,256 Oh, that's ridiculous. I can stop any time I want. 316 00:19:20,257 --> 00:19:24,632 No, you can't. You're a nookie junkie and I just can't trust you anymore. 317 00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:28,093 No, no, no. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 318 00:19:30,176 --> 00:19:31,884 You're right. 319 00:19:31,885 --> 00:19:33,677 I am addicted. 320 00:19:33,678 --> 00:19:39,011 I've got a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off. 321 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,510 I mean, you gotta help me. 322 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:44,180 I can't help you, pal. You've gotta help yourself. 323 00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,806 - Goodbye, Charlie. - Oh, come on, Berta, don't go. 324 00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:49,890 - I'll do anything. - I'm leaving now. 325 00:19:49,891 --> 00:19:51,640 You don't have to. 326 00:19:51,641 --> 00:19:54,140 I just fired her. 327 00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:55,891 Goodbye, Charlie. 328 00:19:55,892 --> 00:20:00,329 Oh, come on, Lydia, don't go. I'll do anything. 329 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,644 You know what? I don't need either one of you. 330 00:20:03,645 --> 00:20:08,502 I can do my own laundry and I've got my own finger. 331 00:20:17,432 --> 00:20:19,098 I don't like it here. 332 00:20:19,099 --> 00:20:22,266 Well, tough. This is the only way I could get Berta to come back. 333 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:23,850 But why do I have to be here? 334 00:20:23,851 --> 00:20:28,560 Because it's the only way you're ever gonna sell your condo. 335 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:31,059 Okay, let's get started. 336 00:20:31,228 --> 00:20:33,561 Welcome to our regular Monday night meeting. 337 00:20:33,562 --> 00:20:36,060 Do we have any newcomers? 338 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:46,790 My name is Charlie and my maid says I'm a sex addict. 339 00:20:47,108 --> 00:20:49,606 Hi, Charlie. 340 00:20:58,486 --> 00:21:01,695 Hi. I'm Alan... 341 00:21:02,905 --> 00:21:06,392 ...and I have a lovely condo for sale. 342 00:21:07,864 --> 00:21:09,989 And I'm a sex addict. 343 00:21:09,990 --> 00:21:11,655 Hi, Alan. 344 00:21:11,656 --> 00:21:14,155 It's priced to move. 345 00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:21,449 Hi, my name is Pam... 346 00:21:21,452 --> 00:21:23,743 ...and I'm a sex addict. 347 00:21:23,744 --> 00:21:26,242 Hi, Pam.26448

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.