Original subtitles

[hopeful music playing]

I'm for equal rights,

equal opportunity, and affordable housing.

I'm mayoral candidate, George Melendez

-and I approve... -I approve...

-...of a better life... -...of a better life...

-...for all San Franciscans. -...for all San Franciscans.

That's my line! Pretty great, huh?

Oh, it's poetry, darlin'.

He's got my vote, that's for damn sure.

Well, I should hope so, Franklin.

You're working on his campaign.

Only because you're his campaign manager.

And no, I mean, yeah, I... I support,

uh, what he was sayin'

about, uh, free Taco Night or whatever.

I would vote for him if I voted. But I don't,

because all politicians are crooks and liars.

Uh-uh, George is different.

[scoffs] That's what they said about Gandhi.

If you don't vote, you can't complain.

Sure, I can! For starters,

there's not enough nudity on PBS!

-There, I said it. -Maybe I should vote.

-How old do you have to be? -Eighteen.

Darn, I'm older than 18. Oh, well.

-What color polish do you want? -Clear for me. Kitty?

I'm gonna do that Fuck-Me-Silly-Gutterslut-Pink!

I'm hittin' the alley tonight, gonna get me some thickness!

Phineas, out of respect for Gretchen,

I expect you to vote for Señor Melendez

as many times as you can.

Not even if you paid me. I don't mean that literally.

Really Phineas? I thought you were a big activist

-back in the '60s. -Me? Nah.

Fuck the capitalist pigs! Workers should own everything.

Let's burn the fuckin' country to the ground.

Yeah! I'm with my brother Phineas!

I came up with a name for our movement.

I wrote it down somewhere.

I just gotta find it.

My name's Bernie Sanders.

These rolling papers say "Democratic Socialism."

Oh, Bernie's a genius!

I'm with Bernie! Great original idea.

[indistinct clamor]

-Oh, I love you! -Ow! I feel a burn!

Feel the Bern! Feel the Bern!

[woman] Bernie's so much better than Phineas!

[theme song playing]

♪ Brother, hmm

♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪

♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪

♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪

♪ Rolling out a j And get high ♪

♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪

♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪

♪ The Freak Brothers

[song concludes]

Hello, Freaks and family.

Guess whose billionaire boss is running for mayor

and made me his head of voter outreach?

Uh, can you give us a hint?

Freddy come on. Jesus.

Let's at least try to guess first without a hint.

Oh, I thought you weren't getting involved

in Dennis's "political ego trip."

Especially, since I'm campaign manager for his opponent.

But then we wouldn't have the unbearable tension

and inevitable fight that leads to you two

not speaking to each other.

Harper, don't expect any of my votes

for your Chinese boss.

Not because he's Chinese because I don't trust him.

And I don't know anything about him.

Why do you look at me when you say Chinese?

Because you're Chinese.

If your mom's boss was fat, I'd look at Freddy.

[munches]

Now, as you all may or may not know,

buying votes is illegal.

I wouldn't know, I'm too old to vote.

Which is why, unrelated to the election,

Dennis Chang is giving every San Franciscan a free phone!

-[gasps] Gimme, gimme! -I got the purple one!

And, they're pre-loaded with spending money

at participating merchants.

-Whose idea? -Your idea, dear.

That is such bullshit, Harper. You know what?

I'm not even speaking to you right now.

Huh. I would've given it another couple days.

-[phone chimes] -Check it out!

Mine's pre-loaded with a movie about some cat.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, oh, Freaks in the hizz-ouse!

Java or ganja, my good dudes?

Chuck and Charlie.

Seems like you guys have a new job every week.

[scoffs] Seems like you guys don't have any job every week.

Uh, it's a living. [chuckles]

Let me have a THC-infused espresso

and a blueberry muffin.

Okay, that'll be 12.50.

Cash, or another IOU signed Jack MeHoff?

Neither, my friend.

I'll be paying with my fancy new phone.

-[beeps] -Oh, no. You know what, sorry,

we're gonna have to take back that muffin.

Yeah. It could've come in contact with sesame seeds,

-and with your sesame allergy-- -[Phineas] What?

How do you know about that? You blabbin' about my business,

-Chatty Cathy? -Nope.

-It tells me all about you here. -What the fuck?

How does it know about all my personal shit?

Your phone, dude.

It's gathering data on you 24-7.

Everywhere you go. Everything you buy.

Everything you say.

[phone recording] Everything you say.

Oh, my God, what was that.

Fuck this free phone! It ain't worth it,

I'm giving it back!

[munches]

My God. Don't you have any self-respect?

-You're disgusting. -You'll die early and alone.

Even your mangy cat

will be ashamed to be seen with you.

Mangy? Bitch, the only thing mangy in here

is your uptight coochie! And fuck both y'all,

I'm already ashamed to be seen with him. [scoffs]

Yeah. Oh.

[mellow music playing]

People been calling you fat your whole life.

For fuck's sake, your mama named you Fat Freddy.

This was different, Kitty.

It used to be they were laughing with me.

Today they were laughing at me.

Boy, what movie you been watching?

The truth is, I like being big.

I like eating lots and lots of food.

It's the only thing you're good at!

I know! I like who I am.

I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

He's back! Fat ass Freddy! That's right!

I like Tubby Time with you, Kitty.

You're a good friend.

Wanna stay friends? Do not stand up.

I don't wanna see your little thang thang

under them fat folds.

The joke's on you, I'm wearing blue jeans. [laughs]

-[screams] -[phone beeps]

[tense music playing]

I've got a chubby guy in a bubble bath

espousing a positive body image to a cute cat

who's meowing back. Request approval to go viral.

-Hmm. Approved. -[indistinct chatter]

[Harper] Win or lose the election,

we'll still have the data from our phone giveaway.

I recognized the word "win."

But that "L" word, it's not in my vocabulary.

If Steve Jobs had eaten anything other than fruit,

he'd be standing here in awe of you.

All right. Here's the deal, Chang.

You're gonna erase all my personal shit off this gizmo

and never so much as utter my name again.

I ain't afraid of you,

I don't care how much karate you know!

Actually, I'm a black belt.

It's African American belt, you racist.

Uh, hey, Harper, what's for dinner?

[Dennis] Who are these men and why do they smell like that?

Oh, they're nobodies. [chuckles]

What the fuck are you guys doing here?

Go away, right now.

I will not be silenced!

I'm filming you both to show the world!

What the...

ChangCo's electronic jamming device

patent pending.

-Two-Ton! -Yes, Mr. Chang?

Show these men the sidewalk.

You see that? That's the sidewalk!

[sighs] I meant escort them out.

We thought you drowned when we sank

the Lucky Motherfucker.

-Hey, did you lose weight? -I'm on the keto.

Can eat all the hardboiled eggs I want.

[farts] I beg y'all's pardon.

You keep questionable company, Two-Ton.

This man is a danger to life as we know it!

Ooh. Are these complimentary?

-Go nuts. -[laughs] Go nuts!

Oh, my God, so witty.

You gonna delete my data or not?

I could wipe the data from your Changphone.

But it's also in the Cloud

and on our proprietary gel drive.

-You mind? -Back off, piggy.

Could someone make all your info go away?

Well, I probably could. [chuckles]

-But I won't. Anything else? -Yes.

I vowed to never participate in politics again.

But as sure as my tongue is swelling up

from the sesame sticks in this delicious potpourri,

I vow to defeat you!

I will volunteer all of my time for your opponent...

[indistinct] Geowg Mewendeth.

Damn, D.C., his tongue's the size of a porcupine.

[laughs, farts] Oh.

[laughs] It's the keto.

[upbeat music playing]

[man on TV] ...And you secret ingredient is fennel.

Freddy, oh, my God, you're blowing up!

This is only my second bag.

So I gained a few pounds, so what.

You think she knows we got the munchies?

I mean, you're trending.

-People love Tubby Time. -I love Tubby Time.

When did you decide to do an internet show?

Tubby Time is such a cool name, by the way.

Do what now?

I like Tubby Time with you, Kitty.

-You're a good friend. -[Kitty] Meow, meow, meow.

Aw, hell no.

That lighting makes me look like a damn meth head.

I think it's awesome how comfortable you are

with your body.

And so do your 800,000 followers.

-[screams] Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! I don't get it.

Your fans want another episode.

And you'll be like his little sidekick.

Girl, I don't do sidekick. Co-star, equal billing,

and I want an Executive Producer credit.

[upbeat music playing]

Sounds like Phineas really gave Chang a tongue lashing,

before it swelled up and almost suffocated him to death.

It was a thing of beauty.

I mean, what he said to him, not his gasps for air

before the paramedics arrived. That was a little embarrassing.

Vote Melendez! And don't vote Chang!

You guys ready to bury this fucker?

Fuck yeah!

Good seein' you pumped up about politics again, buddy.

Yeah, it is. I really like this side of you, Phineas.

Meaning what? You didn't like any of my sides before?

-You hated me? -What? No.

-I-- -I'm joking!

Now that my life has purpose,

I'm jovial and fun to be around!

I wouldn't go that far.

-Uh, barely tolerable... -[door opening]

Noah, tell my sister, who I'm not speaking to,

to turn on the TV!

Gretchen, turn on-- What am I doing?

Translating from spiteful English to English?

[news music plays]

Blockbuster photos have surfaced

of mayoral candidate George Melendez.

Photos being called "shocking, appalling, and sexist."

Let's go to Channel 7's Stephanie Olsen

in the Tenderloin.

I'm here with Cheyenne, pronouns they/them,

who brought the photos to our attention.

He was Annie in drag! It's gender appropriation.

It robbed an essential role from a female actor.

George Melendez should be held accountable!

-Well, it is an all-boys school. -[gasps]

He should be held accountable for that too! [grunts]

[tense music playing]

[man 1] Cancelled.

Channel 7 News can confirm,

George Melendez has dropped out of the race.

He has been cancelled.

Cancelled? What's that mean, cancelled?

Well, it means he's done. Finished. [chuckles]

Persona non grata in politics, online,

and at any decent restaurant.

Well, that's just crazy.

Gretchen, we're gonna fight for George right?

[groans] It's over.

I'd be lucky to book him on The Lauer Hour.

-Matt Lauer's new podcast. -Ugh. So... so that's it?

Chang is running unopposed?

Um, except for Libertarian candidate Bob Pimko,

running at two percent in the polls.

Oh, well then, it looks like

it's winner winner Kung Pao dinner!

[indistinct chatter]

What do you think you're me?

[mumbles]

No, no. Dennis says that. He made it up.

[upbeat music playing]

Money.

We're so down with the body positive message, bro.

It's enlightened.

To Chuck, from your pal, Freddy.

I'm Charlie.

I don't know how to spell that, Chuck.

Sitting in bubbles all the time is making my feet turn yellow.

Man, if you don't put those gnarly, nasty-ass,

lemon toes away, you'll scare off all the fans!

This is what the world has come to.

A good man like George gets nailed to the cross.

A fat man like Freddy is a national hero.

Be happy for old Freddy.

It's good to see life give him

the long end of the stick for once.

Life gave me the long end of the stick,

right up my fucking ass!!

-[gasps] -I was standing here first!

-[beeps] -That was State Senator Moffit.

He can't replace George as our candidate.

He's not gonna be out of jail in time.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit, shit!

[gasps]

We gotta find somebody who voters like more

than Dennis the Menace.

[crowd cheering]

-[screams] -[splash]

[crowd] Freddy, Freddy, Freddy!

This may sound crazy, but hear me out...

-Freddy? That's crazy! -But is it?

Freddy polls ahead of Chang in the head-to-head,

and has a higher Q rating.

He once ate an entire bag of potatoes

without taking them out of the bag.

And could you do that?

What happens when Freddy has to speak?

When people ask him questions, besides, "What's your name?"

Well, I got a thought on that.

What if we got one of those ear piece hickamajigs

for Freddy and you told him what to say?

It's not a bad idea.

You've got a mind for politics.

You could be the man behind the man.

-Why don't I just be the man? -Because people don't like you.

He's right, they don't.

Hmm.

Welcome to another edition of Tubby Time.

I'm Freddy Freekowtski, she's Kitty,

and we have a big announcement!

I'm running for Mayo!

Which is great because I love mayonnaise!

-"Mayor," dumb-dumb. -Mayor dumb-dumb.

Man behind the man!

This is your new candidate?

Oh, Gretchen, if I were speaking to you

I'd say, it's sad. Just sad.

We just hit two million views!

Oh, that's nice honey. Dennis is gonna crush him.

-Get out. -No.

No? Close your eyes, please.

-Get out, or I'll drop a deuce. -You wouldn't.

-I got one in the chamber! -Don't you dare.

I'm dumping, baby!

[hums]

I'll just use the one downstairs.

[cheerful music playing]

[indistinct clamor]

As your mayor, I promise...

...I promise that Dennis Chang and big business...

...Dennis Chang and big business...

...will stay out of your business!

...will stay out of your business!

[man coughing]

Why aren't they going nuts? That was my big line!

-[breathes heavily] -Do something, fat man!

Oh! [screams]

[applause, cheering]

[gasps]

[cheerful music playing]

♪ The skies above me Open wide ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Trying to be right as hero ♪

♪ You need to be real And not a fraud ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm wanted for peace In a world of war ♪

[groans, gasps]

[screams]

[music fades]

As your mayor, I promise...

...that Dennis Chang and big business...

...will stay out of your business.

[applause, cheering]

Finally a crowd with some sense!

Great original idea, Freddy!

Freddy's a God!

Feel the Freddy!

[crowd] Feel the Freddy!

And I will not rest until every business

in Silicon Valley gets burned to the fucking ground

like a straw hut in North Vietnam!

But you simple-minded sheep would rather see this fat fuck

fart the Star-Spangled Banner!

Don't say any of that, Freddy.

Don't say any of that, Freddy.

What the hell?

Uh, hey, Phineas. From now on, why don't you just tell me

what you want Freddy to say, then I'll tell him.

Why the fuck would I do that?

Uh, bec... because Franklin can help soften the edges.

So we can appeal to the broadest audience.

No. My words are my words!

We ain't askin'. You are off the mic!

-But I'm the man behind the man. -Well, not anymore.

You're more like the man behind the man's behind...

You know what I'm saying, right?

-Anyway, you're fired. -[sighs]

[man 2] Ladies and gentlemen, please stand

for our national anthem.

[farts]

Mm. Ten p.m. Study. If you wanna fuck.

Well, here I am, Noah. Wearing crotchless panties...

You need to turn the note over. Read the back.

[shrieks] Oh, God. "Up Freddy's campaign."

"If you want to fuck up Freddy's campaign."

Okay, that... that's now making...

making more sense. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But if you're horny, I could throw you a hump.

You don't have a bad body for an older broad.

Oh, to be clear, I would not fuck you

if you were the last man on earth.

You say that now, but wait till I'm the last man on earth.

I'd sew myself shut. [groans]

Why would you help me destroy Freddy's campaign?

Because he's a know-nothing who's out of control!

And Franklin... Franklin's being a dick to me.

Well, what about Dennis? I thought

"that Nazi piece of shit will destroy freedom,

democracy, and humankind."

-Nobody's perfect. -You have a plan?

Oh, I have a plan.

Okay, the debate's tomorrow night...

[heroic music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

It's a basic human right.

Every San Franciscan should have...

...should have safe, affordable housing!

[applause]

[chuckles] This affordable housing.

How do you propose to pay for it?

I will pay for it with a tax on rich jerks like you, Chang!

[headphone glitching]

Say something, dipshit.

-It's working, Phineas. -I don't know who that is.

[chuckles] I'll ask you again, sir.

How will you pay for "housing for all"?

Either you or your cat may answer.

-Uh... pay for it, pay for it... -[crowd laughing]

-I'll pay for it with my phone! -[crowd laughing]

Oh, your phone? How would that work?

Uh, well, I... I put my phone up to the thingy at the register,

and it pays for everything. Dummy.

[crowd laughing]

It seems that left to his own devices,

my opponent would rely on... his own devices.

I am Dennis Change.

It's not my fault. My earpiece didn't work.

[laughing]

It's eight p.m. and voting has concluded

in the race for mayor.

Exit polls have Freddy down by ten points.

When the results come in,

no one will be more upset than I, Phineas T. Phreakers,

your most loyal advisor!

I call all the yellow cube cheese.

Shoulda stuck with Tubby Time.

I'd been the next Andy Richter.

That chubby turd makes bank! [groans]

Whoa, My God, it is glum in here!

You know, if Gretch and I were still speaking,

I would offer her these sisterly words,

♪ I win, you lose Bang-bang, Dennis Chang! ♪

Eh, eh.

Like I told you in the car. It's... not very good.

If I were speaking to my sister,

I'd take the high road and congratulate her.

On her soon-to-be announced victory.

Harper, you deserve credit.

Y'all had some good luck, but like I said,

you deserve all the credit.

Yeah, you said it twice. The deserve credit thing.

-To her. -Yup, yup.

Well, that's very gracious of you both.

I appreciate it.

You... appreciate it? It wasn't her, it was me!

It was my idea to sabotage Freddy's earpiece!

We... we should get to Dennis's victory speech.

You're not going anywhere, cheater.

I'm the cheater?

You guys were feeding him the answers!

Phineas, what the hell?

You ratfucked Freddy and me. We're your brothers!

Well, you weren't treating me like a brother.

You were treating me like a crazy person.

-You are a crazy person. -Damn right, Freddy.

And he didn't need me to say it in his ear.

I'm not crazy, I'm passionate!

I was just a kid from the streets of Berkley.

People spat in my face and said,

I'd never amount to a hill of beans.

Well, Mom? Dad? Mom's friend Jerry,

who visits when Dad's away?

Look at me now!

I'm making things better for the good guys.

You abandoned the good guys for a capitalist psychopath.

Because you abandoned me! Again! Just like 1968,

when Bernie Sanders stole my political philosophy

and the love of my life!

Bernie Sanders was the love of your life?

Oh, look! They're announcing the official results.

A winner in the race for mayor.

With 50.1 percent of the vote,

Fat Freddy Freekowtski will now be called "His Honor."

You're shittin' me.

People lie in exit polls. I know I did.

Freddy, you won!

They tried to hang you but the rope broke!

-Won what? -The election, ya furry freak!

The good guy won, the bad guy lost.

[all cheer]

-We did it. We did it. Let's go. -Whoo!

-[laughs, screams] -[laughs, howls]

We did it, brothers! And sister!

I mean, not sister, 'cause I'm tryin' to...

-Yeah, yeah! -Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You lose! You fucking lose!

I kicked your fucking ass, loser!

I accept your apology.

-Well, I don't apologize. -I don't either.

Kitty, I won!

I gotta give my expect-tance speech!

[yowls]

[cheering, applause]

[indistinct chatter]

[coughs] I wanna say... [gasps]

...to my opponent Dennis Ching-- Chang.

Not Ching-Chang.

[mumbles] Solly, swarrowed some bubbles.

Hey, he's wearing yellow face!

What? What, no, the bubble bath turned my skin yellow.

And mocking Dennis Chang's accent

even though he doesn't have one!

Freddy's a racist!

I, Channel 7's Stephanie Olsen, am so done with him.

He should be...

[tense music playing]

[music fades]

[man 1] Cancelled!

So, with a face like scrambled eggs

and a voice like Jackie Chan,

Mayor Freddy got impeached before he got sworn in.

City council gave the gig to the third party candidate

that robot soundin' motherfucker, Bob Pimko.

-[gunshots] -[indistinct shouting]

[crowd screaming]

That's it for this week's Kitty Time, y’all.

Don't forget to hit like and subscribe.

This shit don't pay for itself!

I am the mayor, bitches.

♪ P-I-M to the K-O Rob got that mad robot flow ♪

♪ He need to split to use His little crumpled dick ♪

♪ So, baby, if you want some Bring a popsicle stick ♪

♪ Baby got back Pimko got chair ♪

♪ He's running shit Mess with him if you dare ♪

♪ Bitches love Pimko He ain't no wussy ♪

♪ 'Cause he built The access ramp ♪

♪ Straight up in their pussy

♪ I'm the mayor bitches ♪

♪ I'm the mayor bitches

♪ Snitches get stitches

[Bob] I'm the mayor bitches.

♪ I'm the mayor bitches

♪ I'm the mayor bitches

♪ Snitches get stitches

[Bob] I'm the mayor bitches.

♪ I'm the mayor bitches

-[Bob] I'm the mayor bitches. -[gunshots]

[man 3] It's a good show.