Original subtitles

[upbeat music playing]

I can't believe old Melvin Mah's record store

is still in business.

[upbeat music playing over stereo]

Ah, Melvin! Get your oriental ass out here

and say hello to your old friends.

Freaks in the house!

Chuck and Charlie? You work here now?

What happened with the weed store?

Uh, yeah, my Uncle Melvin fell into a coma

from all the drugs he did--

So who better to manage a record store than two guys

who just got fired from a weed store?

Coma? Is he in the hospital?

No, he's right over there.

[groans]

[hesitates] Come on, Uncle Melvin.

I just reorganized the stock room yesterday.

He's always riding our asses.

-Screw you, old man! -[Melvin farts]

He's lucky to have you boys.

We got some grade-A vinyl for sale.

Ooh. Holy shit! The White Album?

If this one's clean, it's worth a fortune.

Ooh, sorry that one's not for sale.

I got it when my parents kicked me outta the house

for turning 32.

Whoa! The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan.

This is worth some scrilla.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, can't sell that.

That's my love-makin' track.

That's the disc was playin' when I had my first threesome.

That's funny.

My mom told me that it was playing

when she had her first threesome! Wait...

I'm not selling my album either!

Freddy, that's a photo album.

And I still like listening to it!

Oh, my gosh man, like, you dudes have got some great discs here.

Do you want to get high and listen to some tunes?

We could possibly be convinced. [chuckles]

[theme music playing]

♪ Brother, hmm ♪

♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪

♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪

♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪

♪ Roll another J And get high ♪

♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪

♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪

♪ The Freak Brothers

[inhales]

So are you guys excited about my big event tonight?

-What event? -Seriously, Mom?

She's told you about it a million times.

Could you tell me a million and one?

The gala for my charity, "Felines for Felons."

It's so awesome!

They pair therapy cats with felons in prison.

And we're throwing a gala tonight

for the felons who've been released.

Okay, we'll come.

I just wish you had given us a little heads up.

She's been talking about it nonstop for weeks.

What did you think all of these were for?

[meows]

I thought after years of being single,

you decided to become a crazy cat lady.

-Hey, baby. -[meows]

So, you're Siamese. You got yourself a twin?

I'm gonna get spit roasted tonight!

[meows]

[rock music playing over stereo]

[bong bubbling]

Wow. This stuff's amazing! Where'd you get it?

You're not gonna believe it. We got it from Schoolboy Q.

Oh, my gosh! He was so cool.

Like, he's in town shooting a remake of Dirty Harry,

and we like smoked him up and he signed this for us.

["Man of the Year" playing]

♪ Bruh I see, girls everywhere ♪

♪ Titties, ass Hands in the air ♪

♪ It's a party over here... ♪

Wow. This is great. What is this?

You guys have never heard rap before?

Dude, come on. Don't be insensitive.

They were asleep for fifty years.

Ooh! This sumbitch got a beat! Pop pooty pop pop.

I like that he says curse words!

♪ Tank top top down For the breeze ♪

♪ Burnt lips Got a blunt full of weed... ♪

This weed pairs wonderfully with this music.

We gotta get some more.

Where can we find this Schoolboy Q?

Uh, he said he was shooting down at the wharf.

Gentlemen! To the wharf!

See you on the flipside, Melvin!

-[door open, closes] -Peace out, dudes!

[groans]

♪ Bounce for the crown

♪ Fast forward getting real Tell me now ♪

♪ Every dog need a cat To meow... ♪

Whoa. Damn. He's got some skills.

Honestly? Decent flow.

♪ Blazing a pound Ju... jumping around ♪

♪ Tits, ass bump out her gown... ♪

[oxygen tank hissing]

[psychedelic music playing]

[Schoolboy Q] You gotta ask yourself one question.

"Am I a lucky mother fucker?"

Well, are you a lucky mother fucker? Mother fucker!

Just like the lyrics to his song!

Cut! Who the fuck are they?

Who's in charge of the fucking extras?

Who are these fucking assholes

wandering through my fucking shot?

-Fucking fire them! -[camera shatters]

Nah, man! I like the way they look.

Using real homeless adds authenticity.

Hey, Mr. Q. Nice to meet you.

We just smoked some of your shit with old Melvin Mah.

That catatonic mother fucker?

That dude's crazy! Smoked me under the table.

So, Chuck and Charlie played us some of your rippity-rap music,

which we really, truly enjoyed.

But not as much as your mind-blowing weed.

We want some more.

Oh, you want some of the good shit?

I can appreciate a man who appreciates good weed.

Hey, we on five, Solomon! Two-Ton! Where's my whip?

-[horn blaring] -Ayo! Check this shit out.

That's a custom made,

Bentley golf cart, solid gold, punk!

Well, can't be completely solid gold.

Gotta have some moving parts, liquid coolants and...

and... and... and but... but you know, what do I know?

Last I heard, women had pubic hair.

What's your name?

Right this way, Q.

If any of you gentlemen is overheated,

I can offer you a parasol.

I don't need a pair. I'll just take one.

[psychedelic music playing]

♪ 'Cause them grades Ain't get me paid ♪

♪ My agenda for today

♪ Is to make bread Or get laid... ♪

Let me tell you something about your music, man.

Rap is today's voice of the counterculture.

You're the Black Gordon Lightfoot.

"Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

Shit, one of my major influences.

[chuckles] Yeah, I hear that. Hey, uh...

is there any way I can get some more of this fancy wine?

Hell, yeah.

It's a 1978 château Lafite Rothschild, baby.

Hmm. [sniffs] Mm-hmm.

-What the hell are you doin'? -It's Château Lafite.

That's French. It means, "For the feet."

-Ugh! -[laughs]

You motherfuckers crazy!

[psychedelic music playing]

All right, homies. See you when I see ya.

And you won't see us when we don't see you.

Got the car, guys.

Uh-oh. Wrong way. Oh, oh, whoa!

[suspenseful music playing]

[gasps]

[music fades]

[laughs]

That's the funniest shit I've seen since Queen Latifah

split her pantsuit open at the Source Awards.

[laughs]

[laughs] Look at that dumbass covered in seaweed. [laughs]

[laughs] For real though, that golf cart man.

It costs ninety thousand dollars.

You gotta pay for that shit!

Of course, sir. Yeah.

Lemme see what I got here in my billfold.

Ah, well, uh...

will you accept a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf card? [chuckles]

For sure! Two-Ton loves his Ice Blended.

[laughs] Wonderful! We're all so happy.

[snickers] I'll be happy tomorrow

when I swing by your crib and get my cheese.

Maybe you ain't heard, I don't sleep in a crib no more.

[laughs] You motherfuckers are still a fucking child...

-[mumbles] -[all laugh]

-What a great guy. -What a pussycat.

Aye, Two-Ton.

Send me a calendar invite for tomorrow.

And smoke them bitches if they ain't got my bread.

-[message sends] -[slurps]

[meows]

I know you're of Siamese heritage

but you could play in the NBA

with what you're packing down there. [laughs]

[purrs]

You nasty! I like that.

Ah, laying down some game, eh, old chum?

Get out of here, Chomsky.

I'm makin' time with my man, here.

Kismet! I myself just came from the dog park

where I was snout deep in the anal glands

-of an Apricot Poodle. -Damn, Chomsky. You a ass man!

Oh, yes. Like my father. And his father before him.

Oh, my God. [screams] Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay. Okay, I'll be right there!

Total emergency! The caterer just arrived,

and the napkins aren't locally sourced!

Ugh! I gotta go.

Camille, could you bring the cats by tonight?

Oh, sure. I'll just wait two years, take driver's ed,

buy a car, and drive 'em right down.

A "no" would've sufficed.

Yeah, I could do it.

Hell, I used to wrangle cattle back in Abilene.

And you can't spell cattle without "cat," so... [laughs]

No problem, easy peasy Japan-esey.

Uh. [clears throat] Sorry, no offense.

It's pretty offensive. And I'm Chinese.

Eh, same neck of the woods.

Oh, Franklin. You're a lifesaver!

Here's a spreadsheet with their diet

and bathroom schedule.

Bring them no later than seven. Thanks, bye!

Don't you worry your pretty little head, Gretch!

They're in good hands!

[upbeat music playing]

-[music concludes] -[cats meowing]

"The Russian Blue gets one can of organic wet food once a day

"but for its second meal, must have suh-shimy"?

"Suh-shimy grade al-buhcorey?"

-[tin rattles] -Screw this.

As long as none of 'em starve to death

or end up chokin' on their own tails,

I'll be spending the night in Gretchen's boudoir.

That's French for vagina.

♪ Bruh I see, girls everywhere ♪

♪ Titties, ass, hands In the air ♪

♪ It's a party over here

♪ Shake for the man Of the year, uh, ma... man ♪

♪ Of the year Ma... man of the bounce ♪

-Ooh! Catchy! -Schoolboy Q?

What are you doing here, baby? Did you bring us some more weed?

I told you I was coming for my money.

Well, now we... we thought you were jokin'.

[grunts]

-Does it look like I'm joking? -No.

Until you pay me, I'm gonna take some collateral.

Hey! Take whatever you want.

-It's not our shit. -Except the cats.

Franklin cares a lot about the cats

because they'll get him laid.

Take the cats, Q.

-They care about the cats. -No shit, fat boy.

Grab the cats and take 'em to the fuckin' yacht, man.

[cats meowing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. You can't take my Siamese.

I'm trying to smash!

When I get my money, you get your cats back.

We out Two-Ton.

Don't worry, baby! I'm gonna spring you!

Save that big daddy dick for me!

[car tires screeching]

I can't believe he took the cats.

Even after I told him how important they were to you.

[groans]

I don't wanna sell our babies any more than you do.

But we did destroy the man's gold plated golf cart.

We didn't. Freddy did.

He always does this shit. He's a ruiner!

Well, let's just get down there to Chuck and Charlie

and get our money.

Huh. Why the hell is this so light?

They're empty! It's just the sleeves.

[machine whirring]

Freddy! What the hell are you doing?

Cleaning the discs!

Chuck and Charlie said they're worth more clean.

So I put them in the disc-washer.

-[cries] -Freddy,

-you colossal fucking idiot! -Our records!

Now, what are we supposed to do?

We got no money, no records, and he took the durn cats.

Gretchen's countin' on me. I care about her.

I'm a broke-ass cowboy

living in a basement with you two clodhoppers

and this gal is the only bright spot in my sad, dark universe.

-Help me the fuck out! -Jesus, all right.

Stop pinching my trapeziuses! What do you wanna do?

A Vietnam style raid on Schoolboy Q's yacht.

Liberate the cats.

Nam raid? Okay, I'm in.

-Me too, me too! -No way, Freddy.

You're the reason we're in this mess.

Everything you touch turns to shit.

You stay here. Don't touch nothin',

don't say nothin', don't do nothin'.

Well, that came out of nowhere.

[gun cocks]

[Gretchen] Because of your contributions,

tonight, we reunite these former violent offenders,

or as I like to call 'em, victims,

with their beloved therapy cats.

[applause]

Don't eyeball me, bitch, unless you ready to go.

[whimpers]

-Uh-oh. -Impressive.

-[laughs] -Oh, fuck!

Have you tried the sourdough baguettes?

Careful they're hot. [laughs]

[Gretchen] ...to reintegrate in society.

And we ask all of you to welcome them into your homes

-and places of employment. -[coughs]

You got a job for me?

Oh, God. We just, um, instituted a hiring freeze,

unfortunately, because, otherwise--

Oh my God. You would have been, per... perfect for, um,

uh, Noah, help me out here? [chuckles]

Sure! You can stay with us on the couch!

I panicked. Uh, We'll move.

Feels like we're going round in circles.

Come on, man! We'll never get there in time.

I'm doing all the work. Pedal, faster!

Pedals? I thought it was a footrest.

Though in my defense, I am stoned out of my mind.

[mysterious music playing]

[meows]

[music fades]

[sneezes]

I think I'm allergic to cats, Q!

I'm having a severe reaction to their dander.

Take a damn Claritin and roll me up another one, man.

What the fuck?

Fog's rollin' in! Can't see a thing.

Me either, Franklin! But be quiet.

We still have the element of surprise.

Hello, Freaks!

You came to steal the cats back?

-What? Cats? -[cats meow]

No! We came here to pay you.

Oh, good. So where my money?

Uh... uh... Franklin?

Uh, ain't got it.

You forgot the money? [laughs nervously] Oh, my God!

That's funny.

Come all the way out here in a wet suit and a swan boat

and he forgets the mo-- Oh, look! A fat giant booty!

Come on. Aren't you a little curious?

No. And now, I'm pissed off.

Please, Mr. Q. Have mercy.

Let it never be said that I'm an unmerciful motherfucker.

The condemned always get a last smoke.

Roll up.

Come on, man!

We can't just do nothing. We have to take action.

A Siamese of that caliber doesn't wait around for nobody.

No Kitty, they told me to stay here.

And that's what I'm gonna do, because I'm no good at anything.

-You're good at lots of things! -Like what? Name some.

Wh... what is this, an award ceremony?

We got shit to do!

I don't wanna make them madder at me.

Freddy? They won't be mad at you if you save the day.

You'll be a hero!

And they'll respect your fat ass.

-You really think so? -I know so!

Let's do it! Let's go get that respect!

Ew!

Oh, yeah. While you were mopin', I shit in your shoes.

[dramatic music playing]

[music concludes]

Damn. This roll is a work of art.

Shit like a Michelangelo or somethin', bruh.

I think it's more like a Brancusi.

Smooth and minimalist.

We were always known for rolling the world's tightest joints.

Not a bad legacy to leave behind.

Well, go ahead. Send us to our doom.

Not so fast.

I got another idea, Two-Ton. Bring them to the rolling room.

Fool, y'all know I'm a mogul and I do mogul shit.

So, I'm expanding into the cannabis industry.

[upbeat music playing]

But my CRO aka Chief Rolling Officer

keeps falling asleep on his fucking feet.

-[gasps] -[glass shatters]

Antihistamines make me drowsy.

So here's the deal.

If you can roll all this weed as pretty as that last one

before dawn, we'll call it even.

But Q. Ten men couldn't roll that many joints by sunup.

Fool, that sounds like a "they problem."

Hey! That's a good name for a hippity rap.

Listen, we could write it for you

and provide background vocals.

Yeah. Okay, Fo-- Yeah,

-Follow my lead, Phin... -[starts beatboxing]

-♪ Problem! -♪ Yeah

-♪ We got... problems -♪ That sounds like a thing ♪

-♪ Fucky fuck. Problems! -♪ We have best joints

-♪ Fucky fuck -♪ And the biggest dicks

Hey, man! Shut the fuck up. Start rollin'.

[groans]

[pants]

So... how did you get the name Billy the Rapist?

[groans]

Yeah, I get it. I had nicknames.

They used to sing a rap about me in junior high.

God, how did that go?

Noah, Noah, ba... boah, banana, fanna, homoah. Noah!

He was also known as "Karate Noah,"

beca... because of his abilities

to defend himself and loved ones.

How are we all doing?

Where the fuck are our fuckin' cats, bitch?

Thank you for asking. They're on their way soon.

Enjoy the salad, Billy the Rap-- Uh, William.

[phone ringing]

Franklin? Where the hell are you?

I need those cats! These felons are getting rapey!

No. Everything's fine, very fine.

Uh, we'll be there soon.

Good! What's that licking sound?

Eh... not... not me. Yeah.

[hesitates] I'm grooming the cats.

With your tongue?

Yes. Okay, I'll let you go now, bye!

Wait--

[leprechaun] And so the brothers McFreak,

Franklin and Phineas, rolled doobies as fast

as they could, like a pair of Rumpelstiltskins

for their very lives depended on it.

Would they be able to finish their task

before the dewy dawn rose from the--

Done!

-Sorry, what's that now? -I said, we're done.

[heavenly music playing]

Sweet Mary and Joseph,

that's a wee bit faster than I anticipated.

Would you like to sit by the fire,

share a dram, and hear the rest of my--

Just tell him we're fucking done,

-you dumb Irish midget! -The fuck you just call me?

Peter Dinklage! What are you doing here?

HBO fucked me out of the Thrones spin-off.

They said a puppet is cheaper and won't bang all the extras.

Aye, Yo! They done!

[intense music playing]

Ooh. It's a lot farther than I thought. Gotta book it.

No, don't book it!

We gotta be super quiet, like a--

-Revving speed! -[gasps]

Bruh, I dunno know how the fuck you did it.

But you did.

You're free to go. Peace and love, bring it in.

Aw.

[screams]

Baby, I'm here! Where are you?

Anyone seen a sweet Siamese with a big old dick?

There you are!

-It's okay, baby. I'm here. -[meows]

Somebody get me the fucking key!

Freddy, what the fuck?

Look, I know I'm a hero. You know I'm hero.

Nobody has to say the word "hero" out loud

-or thank me. -You idiot!

We had everything taken care of.

We told you to stay home.

You are a ruiner!

[gasps]

The Lucky Mothafucker's taking on water!

-You Freaks are dead. -[gun cocks]

[ship rumbling]

Oh, shit!

[all scream]

-[both scream] -[mumbles] Get off the--

[horn blaring]

[pants]

-You see anything? -No, I can't see them.

[Phineas] Me neither.

Wait, what do you mean "them"?

The cats. Who are you talkin' about?

-Freddy. -Oh, Freddy. Right. Yeah, no.

I was including him in them.

Man. I hope he's okay. There's a chance right?

Sure. Yeah, I me... I mean he was wearing his floaties.

Yeah. Yeah! And the North Pacific current,

turns south.

He'll probably wash up in Tijuana

and have the time of his life.

Ah! Well, perfecto! So, uh, about those cats?

Oh, they're dead. They didn't have floaties

and well, you know, they're cats.

[sighs]

Time to face the music.

I gotta go tell Gretchen I let her down.

[all] We want cats! We want cats!

-[man] Oh. Fuck this! -[Gretchen] Good.

-[glasses shattering] -This is good!

[all] We want cats!

You're expressing your wants, not keeping them bottled up.

[speaking Spanish]

They want Cats? I'll give 'em Cats.

[man] I want cats so bad I'll kill--

[clears throat]

-♪ Mem-- ♪ -[people screaming]

Uh. Oh, God. Oh, jeez. [screams]

Not a musical theatre crowd. Not a musical theatre crowd.

Holy shit. Look at this disaster.

Good luck getting laid now, pal.

Franklin. Yes! You're here! Where are the cats?

Cats. Well, okay, I was taking great care of them.

But then things got a little, uh, prickly.

You know how cats are.

But then I went to great lengths and un... un-prickled them.

But, uh, then things kinda went tits up,

you know how cats are--

Franklin! Where are the fucking cats?

-[indistinct clamor] -Well, uh...

see, that's what I gotta tell you.

The cats are...

-[horn blaring] -[dramatic music playing]

-...are here? -[cats meowing]

Ho, ho, ho!

On Nibbles, on Peaches, on Pickles, on Frisky!

Little Rapey! I missed you.

He did it! The son of a bitch did it.

Those are some strong cats.

-[cat 1 purrs] -[cat 2 meows]

[bottle popping]

Gentlemen! To a crazy night,

and to those we lost along the way.

Specifically, Schoolboy Q. And who could forget Two-Ton?

He played delightfully against type,

and perished two to three weeks

before he would have dropped dead

from respiratory failure.

-Here, here! -There, there.

Freddy, I don't know how you pulled it off.

But... you did.

And look, I might've said some things earlier today

in the heat of the moment about your worthlessness

and nonstop fuck-uppery.

[clears throat] But I guess what I wanna say is,

-I'm... I'm sorry. -For what?

Well, uh, about that stuff I just said.

-About what? -[laughs] Never mind, buddy.

We're just glad to have you back.

-[glasses clink] -[all laugh]

Hey, cowboy. Give a gal a lift home?

[soft music playing]

Ma'am?

Go easy on the Dewars. I didn't save your ass

so you could go all whiskey dick on me.

I'll tie some rubber bands around that thing.

Don't play with me.

[pants]

I'm gonna kill those motherfuckin' Freaks!

♪ Pistols in my hands Had pockets full of Ox ♪

♪ Whole life I been a G Had bitches on the block ♪

♪ Had strippers on the pole Had cocaine in the pot ♪

♪ Got fiends at the do' So I turned it to a rock ♪

♪ That yay yay, that yay yay That yay yay, that yay yay ♪

♪ That yay yay, that yay yay That yay yay, that yay yay ♪

♪ That yay yay, that yay yay That yay yay, that yay yay ♪

♪ That yay yay, that yay yay That yay yay, that yay yay ♪

♪ That yay yay I'm a drug dealin' nigga ♪

♪ 'Cause them grades Ain't get me paid ♪

♪ My agenda for today is to make bread or get laid... ♪

[man] It's a good show.