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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,297 --> 00:00:23,301 [Harper groans] What a hellacious day. 2 00:00:23,334 --> 00:00:25,803 I mean, I just-- I can't wait to get in my house 3 00:00:25,837 --> 00:00:29,907 and just relax. I'll talk to you later. [sighs] 4 00:00:33,244 --> 00:00:35,947 [announcer on TV] And your secret ingredient is... 5 00:00:36,414 --> 00:00:38,616 -Fennel! -Ooh. 6 00:00:38,649 --> 00:00:40,017 Evening. 7 00:00:40,251 --> 00:00:42,220 Could you please cover your balls? Ugh. 8 00:00:42,253 --> 00:00:46,591 Yes, ma'am. Ten gallon hat for a ten gallon. [laughs] 9 00:00:46,624 --> 00:00:50,228 Oh, God. That's it! House meeting! Now! 10 00:00:51,796 --> 00:00:53,865 I've had it! I'm sick of coming home 11 00:00:53,898 --> 00:00:55,867 to a dirty house, empty fridge, 12 00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:59,003 and your bare asses on my custom crafted furniture. 13 00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:02,273 If laying bare buttocked on an ult-tree suede couch 14 00:01:02,306 --> 00:01:05,843 -is a sin, then drag me to hell. -[laugh] 15 00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:08,846 And who has been ordering hundreds of dollars 16 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,214 of stuff on Amazon? 17 00:01:10,448 --> 00:01:13,684 Oh! A Kitty Condo. 18 00:01:13,718 --> 00:01:17,989 Oh! New James Patterson book. I'm getting right into this. 19 00:01:20,725 --> 00:01:22,193 I think what Harper is trying to say is that 20 00:01:22,226 --> 00:01:25,863 while you three do contribute a certain repartee and, uh... 21 00:01:26,130 --> 00:01:27,098 -Wisdom? -Odor. 22 00:01:27,398 --> 00:01:29,634 We think it's time you start pulling your weight a bit more 23 00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:33,237 -in the, um, financial sphere-- -Get fucking jobs! 24 00:01:33,271 --> 00:01:34,338 -Whoo! -Whoo! 25 00:01:34,372 --> 00:01:36,340 Is that some sort of a metaphor? 26 00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:40,144 Yes, a metaphor for "Pay rent or get out." 27 00:01:40,177 --> 00:01:43,281 And you guys still owe me ten bucks. 28 00:01:43,314 --> 00:01:45,149 Will you take a personal cheque? 29 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:48,252 [groans] Gimme back my check book! 30 00:01:50,121 --> 00:01:53,057 -[theme song playing] -♪ Brother, hmm ♪ 31 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:56,127 ♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪ 32 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,931 ♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪ 33 00:01:59,964 --> 00:02:02,266 ♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪ 34 00:02:02,466 --> 00:02:05,036 ♪ Roll another J and get high ♪ 35 00:02:05,336 --> 00:02:07,738 ♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪ 36 00:02:08,205 --> 00:02:10,341 ♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪ 37 00:02:10,374 --> 00:02:12,643 ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪ 38 00:02:17,214 --> 00:02:19,750 Getting a job wouldn't be the worst thing. 39 00:02:19,784 --> 00:02:22,720 No, no, no! This is how it starts. 40 00:02:22,753 --> 00:02:25,723 You get a job, and then you're paying taxes. 41 00:02:25,756 --> 00:02:28,759 Then before you know it, you're goose stepping 42 00:02:28,793 --> 00:02:30,828 at a torchlit rally in Nuremberg. 43 00:02:30,861 --> 00:02:34,165 And after you know it, you're stepping in goose poop. 44 00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:36,901 I'm not judging you for your life choices. 45 00:02:37,101 --> 00:02:40,404 I don't judge anything, anywhere, for any reason. 46 00:02:40,438 --> 00:02:42,807 Well, this might be an opportune time 47 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,210 to talk to you about my venereal history. 48 00:02:46,243 --> 00:02:50,181 But there is something to be said for self-sufficiency. 49 00:02:50,214 --> 00:02:52,216 It's a very attractive quality. 50 00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:56,153 Attractive quality. [laughs] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. 51 00:02:56,187 --> 00:03:00,191 Freddy, what the fuck are they talking about? [grunts] 52 00:03:00,224 --> 00:03:02,660 Goose poop. Goose poop. 53 00:03:05,296 --> 00:03:06,697 Can you explain this 54 00:03:06,731 --> 00:03:09,400 fifty-year gap in your work history? 55 00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:11,435 Yes. We were sleeping. 56 00:03:11,469 --> 00:03:14,071 What he means is we were exploring our options. 57 00:03:14,105 --> 00:03:17,074 It was what the kids call a gap year. 58 00:03:17,108 --> 00:03:19,043 Gap. G-A-P. 59 00:03:19,243 --> 00:03:21,846 Stands for "Ganja and Prostitutes." 60 00:03:21,879 --> 00:03:24,382 A.K.A. smokin' and fuckin'. 61 00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:25,549 [grunts] 62 00:03:25,850 --> 00:03:29,387 To be honest, I could give a rat's ass about this gig. 63 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:31,255 But don't tell the manager when he gets here. 64 00:03:31,455 --> 00:03:32,923 I am the manager. 65 00:03:33,124 --> 00:03:35,426 [laugh] 66 00:03:37,395 --> 00:03:43,167 Yeah, a lady is the manager. And I'm a trumpet! [farts] 67 00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:45,736 -Get out. -[groans] 68 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:48,773 [Freddy] ♪ Hi ho, hi ho ♪ 69 00:03:48,806 --> 00:03:50,908 ♪ It's off to work We don't go ♪ 70 00:03:50,941 --> 00:03:53,811 Work shmerk! Not everyone should have a job. 71 00:03:54,078 --> 00:03:56,113 You know who liked universal employment? 72 00:03:56,147 --> 00:03:58,249 Mao Zedong and Joe Stalin. 73 00:03:58,282 --> 00:03:59,483 No. We're not giving up. 74 00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:03,154 There is one place even your anarchist ass 75 00:04:03,187 --> 00:04:04,488 wouldn't mind working. 76 00:04:05,423 --> 00:04:09,126 So, we'd really love a job. It seems like a great fit. 77 00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:11,862 [chuckles] Listen, Frank. Can I call you Frank? 78 00:04:12,063 --> 00:04:14,932 -You came to the right place. -You guys working here with us? 79 00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:17,535 Ah, yes, please! That'd be so tight! 80 00:04:17,568 --> 00:04:20,838 -My pants are tight! -Seriously, dude, 81 00:04:20,871 --> 00:04:23,240 all you do is just like talk weed all day 82 00:04:23,274 --> 00:04:24,842 and you get a great discount. 83 00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:27,344 See, Phineas? Doesn't sound so bad. 84 00:04:27,611 --> 00:04:31,182 Cool. Yeah, just gotta be here every morning at 9:00 am sharp. 85 00:04:31,382 --> 00:04:33,551 -[Charlie] Mm-hmm. -And you have to sweep up 86 00:04:33,584 --> 00:04:34,452 at the end of your shift. 87 00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:37,788 Oh! But you get to keep any coins you find in the dirt. 88 00:04:37,822 --> 00:04:39,390 [chuckles] I found 47 cents once! 89 00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:41,859 At least we get to smoke pot for eight hours. 90 00:04:42,193 --> 00:04:45,129 Oh, no. No, you actually, you can't smoke on the premises. 91 00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:48,499 -State law. -Well, that's understandable, 92 00:04:48,532 --> 00:04:50,534 I guess. I mean a pharmacist 93 00:04:50,568 --> 00:04:53,170 can't pop ludes all day, [ chuckles] am I right? 94 00:04:53,204 --> 00:04:55,139 -I mean they probably could-- -Hey, chuck. 95 00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:58,309 Who would you say means the most to you in the world? 96 00:04:58,509 --> 00:05:00,811 -My mom, definitely. -Your mom's a whore. 97 00:05:01,011 --> 00:05:03,013 Fuck you! [sobs] 98 00:05:03,047 --> 00:05:05,916 Whoa, dude, what the heck, Phineas? 99 00:05:05,950 --> 00:05:07,551 Very unchill. 100 00:05:07,585 --> 00:05:11,355 You guys are officially persona non grata. 101 00:05:11,388 --> 00:05:13,257 Great! When do we start? 102 00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:16,861 Well, thanks. You saved us 103 00:05:16,894 --> 00:05:19,530 from the evil capitalists again, Phineas. 104 00:05:19,563 --> 00:05:20,831 You're welcome. 105 00:05:21,932 --> 00:05:23,534 Nah, nah, nah. See, see, 106 00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,970 if the bag got a picture of a cat on it, 107 00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:27,104 it belongs to me. 108 00:05:27,138 --> 00:05:30,207 If it's got a picture of a big fat motherfucker on it, 109 00:05:30,241 --> 00:05:31,609 that's all you. 110 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:34,145 Man, Gretchen's gonna think we're a bunch of 111 00:05:34,178 --> 00:05:35,980 shit kickin' losers. 112 00:05:36,013 --> 00:05:39,116 Stupid fuckin' Kitty Condo. 113 00:05:40,284 --> 00:05:42,086 Hey! You seein' this? 114 00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:43,888 Better get your boy under control 115 00:05:43,921 --> 00:05:45,122 or we're gonna have a problem. 116 00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:47,491 [meows] 117 00:05:47,791 --> 00:05:50,594 [spy music plays] 118 00:05:52,296 --> 00:05:57,034 [electrical zapping] 119 00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,435 [beeping] 120 00:05:59,670 --> 00:06:02,373 [speaking Vietnamese] 121 00:06:02,406 --> 00:06:06,010 [speaking Hindi] 122 00:06:06,410 --> 00:06:09,914 -[Kitty meows] -Kitty! [meowing] 123 00:06:09,947 --> 00:06:12,116 Waiting on my shipment is how I am. 124 00:06:12,149 --> 00:06:14,485 Where the hell's my Howdy Doody squeeze toy at? 125 00:06:14,518 --> 00:06:17,388 I love that creepy, little, freckle face cowboy. 126 00:06:17,421 --> 00:06:19,223 I'll look into it. [sighs] 127 00:06:19,256 --> 00:06:21,492 I got 99 problems, and closing in 128 00:06:21,525 --> 00:06:25,029 on a trillion dollars net worth ain't one. [laughs] 129 00:06:25,062 --> 00:06:26,897 You losing Prime customers, JB? 130 00:06:26,931 --> 00:06:30,367 Losing Primers? Jesus, no! Don't even say that. 131 00:06:30,401 --> 00:06:31,936 Then what's the trouble, Hubble? 132 00:06:31,969 --> 00:06:34,371 You got the bling, you got the new señorita. 133 00:06:34,405 --> 00:06:36,006 You're on top of the world, baby. 134 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,908 I'm not worried about this world. 135 00:06:37,942 --> 00:06:39,910 I've got this bet with Elon Musk. 136 00:06:39,944 --> 00:06:42,947 First guy to put a man on Mars, wins. 137 00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:45,182 I hear that. Uh, what's Mars? 138 00:06:45,449 --> 00:06:48,519 I have the rocket. Problem is the astronauts. 139 00:06:48,552 --> 00:06:51,255 I'm trying to cut red tape, like, "safety" 140 00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:53,490 and "redundant life support systems." 141 00:06:55,326 --> 00:06:59,496 When you say, astronauts how many do you need? 142 00:06:59,530 --> 00:07:01,532 -Anywhere from two to four-- -Three? 143 00:07:02,166 --> 00:07:05,502 Yeah, three. But, you know, real schmucks 144 00:07:05,703 --> 00:07:09,139 -who won't be missed. -[screwdriver whirring] 145 00:07:09,173 --> 00:07:12,176 -Oh. -[Franklin laughs] 146 00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:14,311 [laughs] 147 00:07:15,079 --> 00:07:21,385 [snoring] 148 00:07:22,186 --> 00:07:23,520 [doorbell rings] 149 00:07:24,054 --> 00:07:26,457 -Get the door, you mope. -I'll get it. 150 00:07:27,191 --> 00:07:30,194 Hello. I'm Jeff Bezos from Amazon. 151 00:07:30,227 --> 00:07:33,330 Amazon? You got our goldfish crackers? 152 00:07:33,364 --> 00:07:36,333 I heard you gentlemen might be in need of a job. 153 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,368 -Yeah, but-- -No! 154 00:07:37,635 --> 00:07:40,738 How would you like to be astronauts? 155 00:07:40,771 --> 00:07:43,407 Astronauts? Hot damn! We're in! 156 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,244 Yeah, we're in. [grunts, farts] 157 00:07:47,278 --> 00:07:50,481 I think I've found my shmucks-- Uh, astronauts. 158 00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:51,615 Men, men. 159 00:07:52,316 --> 00:07:54,218 [drumroll] 160 00:07:55,052 --> 00:07:59,056 I'm Mrs. Maisel, star of Amazon's award-winning series 161 00:07:59,089 --> 00:08:01,425 about a female comedian in the '50s. 162 00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:02,259 Here's a joke. 163 00:08:02,559 --> 00:08:06,230 "How do you stop a Jewish woman from having sex? 164 00:08:06,697 --> 00:08:09,733 -Marry her! [laughs] -[grunt] 165 00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:13,337 Now it's time to train for your trip to Mars. 166 00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:15,139 This is too cool for school. 167 00:08:15,172 --> 00:08:17,374 I'm gonna be a daggum space man! 168 00:08:17,408 --> 00:08:20,244 Franklin, you dumb country bumpkin. 169 00:08:20,611 --> 00:08:23,013 Space travel is a hoax. 170 00:08:23,047 --> 00:08:25,482 Moon landing was shot on a soundstage 171 00:08:25,516 --> 00:08:27,418 in Walt Disney's basement. 172 00:08:27,451 --> 00:08:31,055 Wait ‘til Gretchen sees you in your space suit! 173 00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:33,791 She'll get a boner. [chuckles] 174 00:08:33,824 --> 00:08:35,592 [Jeff Bezos] They're perfect. 175 00:08:35,793 --> 00:08:38,595 [Tambor] Don't they seem a bit limited? 176 00:08:38,629 --> 00:08:41,432 No. "Limited," Jeffrey Tambor, 177 00:08:41,465 --> 00:08:43,434 is the number of options you have 178 00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:46,270 after air-humping half the cast of Transparent. 179 00:08:46,303 --> 00:08:48,505 -That was never proven! -It was worse than "proven." 180 00:08:48,539 --> 00:08:50,541 It was alleged! Bottom line, 181 00:08:50,574 --> 00:08:53,744 I got you under contract for two more years. 182 00:08:53,777 --> 00:08:55,612 You wear the dress, you wear the wig, 183 00:08:55,646 --> 00:08:58,482 -you do what I say. -Yes, milord. 184 00:08:58,515 --> 00:09:01,385 Stop improvising! And wipe that lipstick off, 185 00:09:01,418 --> 00:09:02,653 you look like a whore. 186 00:09:05,656 --> 00:09:07,224 [footsteps approaching] 187 00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:10,794 -[Harper] Wow. [chuckles] -Go on. Open it. 188 00:09:11,729 --> 00:09:13,097 Oh. Uh. 189 00:09:13,597 --> 00:09:16,600 A sixty-four pack of toilet paper. 190 00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:20,371 That is so thoughtful. 191 00:09:20,404 --> 00:09:22,806 Go on try it out. It's the good stuff! 192 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,608 We won't need it where we're going. 193 00:09:24,641 --> 00:09:27,378 So, what exactly are you working men doing? 194 00:09:27,411 --> 00:09:29,113 It's top secret. [exhales] 195 00:09:29,146 --> 00:09:32,583 But Amazon's involved if you catch my drift. 196 00:09:32,616 --> 00:09:34,651 So, you're working in the warehouse? 197 00:09:35,018 --> 00:09:36,754 [laughs] Heck, no. 198 00:09:36,787 --> 00:09:40,257 Suffice it to say, this will be the most important job 199 00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:41,358 we have ever done. 200 00:09:41,392 --> 00:09:43,627 It's the only job you've ever done. 201 00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:46,663 They said not to say nothin', so I'll spell it. 202 00:09:46,697 --> 00:09:50,200 We're going to M-A-R-Z. 203 00:09:50,534 --> 00:09:52,436 That's it, cat's outta the bag, 204 00:09:52,469 --> 00:09:55,239 we're astronauts, and we're blastin' off 205 00:09:55,272 --> 00:09:57,141 to Mars tomorrow! [chuckles] 206 00:09:57,174 --> 00:09:58,776 How's that for self-sufficient? 207 00:09:58,809 --> 00:10:00,711 [Phineas] How's that for self-delusional? 208 00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:02,780 There is no space program. 209 00:10:02,813 --> 00:10:06,483 It's all a hoax-- Ow! Ow! You fuck! 210 00:10:06,517 --> 00:10:08,552 Don't you need training to be an astronaut? 211 00:10:08,585 --> 00:10:11,422 Astronauts. [scoffs] Yeah, right. 212 00:10:11,455 --> 00:10:13,690 Uh, damn, I got a hangnail. 213 00:10:13,724 --> 00:10:16,460 Oh, we received loads of training! 214 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,863 Diversity, sexual harassment... 215 00:10:19,897 --> 00:10:22,232 I learned you gotta tell a woman 216 00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:23,767 before you touch her bur-jine-urr. 217 00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:26,637 Well, whatever it is you're doing, 218 00:10:26,837 --> 00:10:28,739 -I'm very proud. -Yes. 219 00:10:28,772 --> 00:10:31,442 You got jobs, whatever they are. 220 00:10:31,475 --> 00:10:33,277 That is the important thing. 221 00:10:33,544 --> 00:10:35,846 Pardon me for offering my two cents, 222 00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,282 but do you feel no compunction 223 00:10:38,315 --> 00:10:41,852 about sending these picaroons to a likely demise? 224 00:10:41,885 --> 00:10:44,188 I got the most powerful man in the world sending me 225 00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:47,925 the best squeezy toy ever made, that's Howdy Doody by the way, 226 00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:51,595 direct to my door. Do I look compuncted to you? 227 00:10:51,628 --> 00:10:53,630 [dramatic music playing] 228 00:10:54,731 --> 00:10:56,733 Pretty impressive, huh, A-lon? 229 00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,269 You haven't won the bet yet, B-zos. 230 00:10:59,303 --> 00:11:00,604 Your guys still gotta make it there. 231 00:11:00,804 --> 00:11:01,705 Where'd you find them anyway? 232 00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:04,608 Oh, I got this friend who's a cat who found them for me. 233 00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:06,743 You have a friend? What's that like? 234 00:11:07,177 --> 00:11:09,947 [heroic music plays] 235 00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:12,883 [cheers and applause] 236 00:11:19,256 --> 00:11:20,624 [crowd gasps] 237 00:11:21,892 --> 00:11:23,427 [sighs] Tape! 238 00:11:27,264 --> 00:11:31,435 -Well, hello there, pretty lady. -[sighs] I hate my life. 239 00:11:31,802 --> 00:11:34,638 Wow, they went all out on this set. 240 00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:36,573 This fake Mars mission is gonna give 241 00:11:36,607 --> 00:11:38,675 that fake moon landing a run for its money. 242 00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:42,212 Right, Phineas. All this stuff is fake. 243 00:11:42,246 --> 00:11:43,247 So, so fake. 244 00:11:44,882 --> 00:11:48,352 [Phineas] Styrofoam and, uh, dry ice? 245 00:11:48,385 --> 00:11:52,422 And forty million newtons of thrust! [screams] 246 00:11:52,789 --> 00:11:54,391 [Franklin] First men on Mars. 247 00:11:54,424 --> 00:11:56,360 We're gonna get a hell of a parade. 248 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,794 [sniffs] 249 00:11:58,061 --> 00:12:01,732 Now, they're pumping rocket fuel scented air freshener in here. 250 00:12:01,965 --> 00:12:03,767 Nice touch, Bezos! 251 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,236 Someone call out things I can say “check” to! 252 00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:08,705 Sure thing, fellow astronauts! Seat belts. 253 00:12:08,739 --> 00:12:10,374 Check! That's everything. 254 00:12:10,407 --> 00:12:12,910 -Three, two, one, launch! -No, wait! 255 00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:19,683 [rumbles] Whoa! Holy shit! We're going to space! 256 00:12:20,651 --> 00:12:24,588 Space Cowboy. Yee-haw! 257 00:12:25,889 --> 00:12:31,328 Eject button! Can't move hand! 258 00:12:31,361 --> 00:12:35,599 Get away from button. 259 00:12:35,933 --> 00:12:38,368 -Stop. -Get away! 260 00:12:38,402 --> 00:12:39,536 -No! -Nope! 261 00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:43,607 Don't need seatbelt! Big boy. 262 00:12:44,975 --> 00:12:47,244 No! 263 00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:49,980 Wanna pay me what you owe me now? 264 00:12:50,380 --> 00:12:53,584 -One dollar. -No way, mutha-fucka. 265 00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:55,586 You still have to stick the landing. 266 00:12:55,619 --> 00:12:58,922 Now, if you'll excuse me, my hyperloop awaits. 267 00:12:59,556 --> 00:13:01,892 Mrs. Bezos, nice meeting you. 268 00:13:02,225 --> 00:13:04,294 You gave up half your empire for this? 269 00:13:08,565 --> 00:13:13,804 [suspenseful music plays] 270 00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:28,085 No! No! No! Come back! Are you fucking crazy, Phineas? 271 00:13:28,118 --> 00:13:32,923 -We were going to Mars! -Exactly! We were going to Mars! 272 00:13:32,956 --> 00:13:34,691 I don't even like leaving the house! 273 00:13:34,725 --> 00:13:36,860 I was gonna come home a hero! 274 00:13:36,893 --> 00:13:39,096 Be on the cover of Life Magazine . 275 00:13:39,129 --> 00:13:42,633 More like the cover of Dead Guy Magazine. 276 00:13:42,666 --> 00:13:45,836 Every time somethin' good comes my way, 277 00:13:45,869 --> 00:13:49,773 you take the wheel and drive us into a ditch. 278 00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:51,041 You got something to say? 279 00:13:51,074 --> 00:13:52,909 -say it! -I hate you, 280 00:13:52,943 --> 00:13:55,946 and you always find a way to ruin my life. 281 00:13:55,979 --> 00:13:57,581 Stop talking in metaphors. 282 00:13:57,614 --> 00:13:59,750 I can't have a conversation with this guy! 283 00:14:00,117 --> 00:14:01,785 People of Mars. 284 00:14:02,085 --> 00:14:05,022 I bring you greetings from Planet Earth. 285 00:14:07,424 --> 00:14:08,225 [Jeff] goddammit! 286 00:14:08,659 --> 00:14:11,094 Whose idea was it to have a functioning ejection button? 287 00:14:11,128 --> 00:14:14,998 Hey, now! Don't look at me. Shall I release the dollar? 288 00:14:16,066 --> 00:14:17,668 -Never! -[groans] 289 00:14:17,701 --> 00:14:21,371 Musk doesn't know they ejected, and he never will. 290 00:14:21,571 --> 00:14:23,006 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 291 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,008 -What are you thinking? -That I get to star 292 00:14:25,042 --> 00:14:27,077 in a show where I don't have to wear grandma panties? 293 00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:29,146 Yeah. That's what America's waiting for. 294 00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:31,415 You know how we digitally removed you 295 00:14:31,448 --> 00:14:33,517 from all past seasons of Transparent? 296 00:14:33,550 --> 00:14:34,751 What? You did? 297 00:14:34,785 --> 00:14:37,421 We'll use the same CGI technology 298 00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:39,022 to place the Freaks in the capsule 299 00:14:39,056 --> 00:14:40,857 and show them landing on Mars. 300 00:14:40,891 --> 00:14:43,126 But what about the actual Freaks? 301 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,096 Oh, we'll kill them. Activate the asset. 302 00:14:46,129 --> 00:14:47,898 -[Alexa] Activating asset. -[thrilling music plays] 303 00:14:54,071 --> 00:14:55,839 [Phineas] The rocket was real, okay? 304 00:14:55,872 --> 00:14:59,176 I was wrong about that. But we're not real astronauts. 305 00:14:59,209 --> 00:15:00,877 Why would they send us? 306 00:15:00,911 --> 00:15:02,846 Doesn't something feel off to you? 307 00:15:02,879 --> 00:15:05,615 Yeah. [chuckles] Something feels off! 308 00:15:05,649 --> 00:15:07,451 We're in the middle of the desert 309 00:15:07,484 --> 00:15:10,554 when we should be on our way to Mars! 310 00:15:10,587 --> 00:15:12,656 Guys, don't fight in front of the Martians. 311 00:15:14,491 --> 00:15:15,525 [squawks] 312 00:15:15,892 --> 00:15:19,496 I don't know why I ever do anything you say. 313 00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:22,733 -You always let us down. -Wait a minute! 314 00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:26,002 When have I ever, ever let us down? 315 00:15:26,036 --> 00:15:27,971 Oh, let's see here. Oh, here we go. 316 00:15:28,004 --> 00:15:30,674 Putting us to sleep for fifty years. 317 00:15:30,707 --> 00:15:34,544 Burning my draft card. Which was still in my wallet. 318 00:15:34,578 --> 00:15:38,081 Which was still in my pants. Which was still on my body! 319 00:15:38,115 --> 00:15:40,684 Better than going to Vietnam, wasn't it? 320 00:15:40,717 --> 00:15:42,719 Telling me college was a conspiracy 321 00:15:42,753 --> 00:15:44,621 of the education complex. 322 00:15:44,654 --> 00:15:48,058 Condoms were a conspiracy of the latex complex. 323 00:15:48,091 --> 00:15:51,762 Jobs were a conspiracy of the employment complex... 324 00:15:51,795 --> 00:15:54,698 and finally, making us leave our apartment 325 00:15:54,731 --> 00:15:58,902 because it was a conspiracy of the apartment complex! 326 00:15:58,935 --> 00:16:01,505 -Where are you going? -Back to Amazon! 327 00:16:01,538 --> 00:16:03,807 I'm gettin' on the next rocket to Mars. 328 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,575 If they'll still have me. 329 00:16:05,609 --> 00:16:07,043 You can't just go. 330 00:16:07,077 --> 00:16:09,579 -What about Freddy? -He's a grown man. 331 00:16:09,613 --> 00:16:10,914 He can take care of himself. 332 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:14,751 [Freddy] Captain's log, I have made contact with Martians. 333 00:16:15,118 --> 00:16:19,523 -They do not like to be hugged. -Go! Who needs ya? 334 00:16:19,556 --> 00:16:21,258 Just be careful where you walk! 335 00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:24,127 The desert's a playground for the CIA! 336 00:16:24,161 --> 00:16:27,130 Filled with trip wires, and coyote people! 337 00:16:27,531 --> 00:16:28,932 [Jeff Bezos] Yes, Kitty. All good. 338 00:16:28,965 --> 00:16:30,233 They're on their way to the red planet. 339 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:31,968 Thanks again for the referral. 340 00:16:32,002 --> 00:16:33,537 That's five percent off your next order. 341 00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,038 Yeah, yeah. 342 00:16:35,238 --> 00:16:38,074 Yeah, the number I'm most concerned with is “three.” 343 00:16:38,108 --> 00:16:40,243 That's three days in a row I've gone outside 344 00:16:40,277 --> 00:16:42,813 and not seen Howdy Doody on my doorstep. 345 00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:46,216 [ringing] Xiawu hao, Amazon. Xi xi. Prime member? 346 00:16:46,249 --> 00:16:47,184 Smell ya later, Kitty! 347 00:16:47,217 --> 00:16:49,753 Customer in Tai Pei got the wrong mattress. 348 00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,188 Meow, meow, meow. 349 00:16:51,221 --> 00:16:53,089 JB? We had a deal man! 350 00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:56,026 Hello? Oh, he did not just hang up on me. 351 00:16:56,593 --> 00:16:58,662 I'm worried about Franklin. 352 00:16:59,095 --> 00:17:02,098 -Do you think he's in danger? -Of course, he's in danger. 353 00:17:02,132 --> 00:17:03,066 We're all in danger. 354 00:17:03,099 --> 00:17:05,302 I just haven't cracked what's going on yet. 355 00:17:05,335 --> 00:17:09,039 But I feel like I'm gettin' close. [screams] 356 00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:14,544 What the fuck was that? 357 00:17:14,845 --> 00:17:18,048 It feels like somebody's trying to send us a message. 358 00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:21,918 Maybe they want us to learn piano! 359 00:17:23,053 --> 00:17:24,054 A ride home! 360 00:17:28,325 --> 00:17:31,261 Jeff Bezos says, hello. 361 00:17:34,965 --> 00:17:37,067 Ha! I told you there were tripwires 362 00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,201 in this desert! 363 00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:40,036 So, I was right! Wait! 364 00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:43,306 That guy said, “Jeff Bezos says, hello.” 365 00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:46,243 So, that means, Hang on, I almost got it. 366 00:17:46,610 --> 00:17:50,046 [gasps] Jeff Bezos is trying to kill us! 367 00:17:50,413 --> 00:17:52,115 Franklin! 368 00:17:54,985 --> 00:17:56,319 [growls] 369 00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:09,933 Thank God! Hey! Hey, it's me! 370 00:18:11,201 --> 00:18:13,637 Hello? [chuckles] Hello? 371 00:18:13,670 --> 00:18:16,106 Mr. Bezos? It's me. 372 00:18:16,139 --> 00:18:18,008 Freewheelin' Franklin Freek. 373 00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:22,345 I'm sorry that idiot Phineas screwed up your space launch! 374 00:18:22,379 --> 00:18:25,649 We... we were sort of like brothers, 375 00:18:25,682 --> 00:18:28,718 which is why I listened to him. But we're not brothers anymore! 376 00:18:30,287 --> 00:18:33,623 -[dramatic music plays] -Hello? 377 00:18:35,692 --> 00:18:36,793 What the heck? 378 00:18:40,697 --> 00:18:42,933 -Where am I? -[drumroll] 379 00:18:42,966 --> 00:18:44,668 [Tambor] And now, ladies and gentlemen, 380 00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:49,306 from her Amazon Original Series, the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! 381 00:18:49,339 --> 00:18:51,207 -[audience cheering, applauding] -Hey now! 382 00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:52,809 Thank you! 383 00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:55,178 Oh, can someone turn down these lights? 384 00:18:55,211 --> 00:18:58,148 I'm shvitzing like a moyel with Parkinson's! 385 00:18:58,181 --> 00:19:01,117 -[audience laughing] -I gotta get back on a rocket, 386 00:19:01,151 --> 00:19:03,887 so I can go up to Mars, and then come back a hero. 387 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:08,158 Come back? [laughs] That was a one-way trip. 388 00:19:08,191 --> 00:19:10,260 You were never coming back, darling. 389 00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:13,730 -[audience laughing] -Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot. 390 00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:17,100 One last joke before I kill you! 391 00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:19,002 How do you stop an empowered woman 392 00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:21,137 with the juiciest brisket in Manhattan, 393 00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:25,041 and a forty-five pointed at your heart? [screams] 394 00:19:25,775 --> 00:19:29,379 With a one-ton pallet of Fiji water, that's how! 395 00:19:29,412 --> 00:19:33,383 -On special for Prime Members! -[applause] 396 00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:36,453 I know I always say you screw up my life, 397 00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,956 which you do. But you just saved it. 398 00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:43,026 -So, I guess I owe you-- -An apology? 399 00:19:43,293 --> 00:19:45,695 I was gonna say a beer and a burger, but 400 00:19:45,729 --> 00:19:48,798 if it's an apology you want, well, hey, that's a lot cheaper. 401 00:19:48,832 --> 00:19:49,833 [laughs] 402 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:54,104 I know sometimes I can sound a bit overly accurate 403 00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:56,973 which people might interpret as crazy! 404 00:19:57,007 --> 00:20:00,043 -But I'm gonna work on it. -Hey, you are crazy. 405 00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:02,846 Crazy as a menstruatin' armadilla. 406 00:20:02,879 --> 00:20:06,383 -But, uh, hey, thanks brother. -All right. Let's get out here. 407 00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:08,218 -Freddy? -Just a second! 408 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:11,221 Oh, perfect! 409 00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:14,858 Ah, shit. How are we gonna get home, now? 410 00:20:15,225 --> 00:20:16,292 How about those? 411 00:20:17,961 --> 00:20:20,997 [upbeat music plays] 412 00:20:24,034 --> 00:20:27,404 ♪ Born to be high ♪ 413 00:20:29,105 --> 00:20:30,173 -Yo! -Hey! 414 00:20:30,206 --> 00:20:35,979 ♪ Born to be high Born to be high ♪ 415 00:20:36,379 --> 00:20:39,215 ♪ Oh, gotta weed smoke With my G, cold ♪ 416 00:20:39,249 --> 00:20:41,518 ♪ Hoppin' out the sixes With some gypsies ♪ 417 00:20:41,551 --> 00:20:42,419 ♪ In the freak rows ♪ 418 00:20:42,919 --> 00:20:45,989 ♪ You can see smoke Often as a rooted to my seat ♪ 419 00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:48,892 ♪ ...got the munchies Man, I need to get ♪ 420 00:20:48,925 --> 00:20:52,162 ♪ I get high, I get high, I'm never coming down ♪ 421 00:20:52,195 --> 00:20:55,398 ♪ Give me Kush, give me Haze They lift me up the ground ♪ 422 00:20:55,432 --> 00:20:58,535 ♪ When your life gets tough And you don't know how ♪ 423 00:20:58,568 --> 00:21:00,303 ♪ Light a spliff And keep on pushin' ♪ 424 00:21:00,336 --> 00:21:02,138 ♪ 'Cause you have right now ♪ 425 00:21:03,506 --> 00:21:08,078 [sighs] Home sweet home. Good to be back on planet Earth. 426 00:21:13,483 --> 00:21:15,852 What the hell are you doing here? 427 00:21:16,052 --> 00:21:20,290 It's a long story. It all started back in 1969. 428 00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:22,826 Here, I got you something from Mars. 429 00:21:24,828 --> 00:21:26,296 Ooh! 430 00:21:26,329 --> 00:21:27,330 [rattles] 431 00:21:29,299 --> 00:21:32,302 You fat, beautiful son of bitch. 432 00:21:35,472 --> 00:21:38,208 [Alexa] Unlocking doors. Hello, father. 433 00:21:38,241 --> 00:21:40,877 If you wanna build a trillion-dollar company, 434 00:21:40,910 --> 00:21:43,980 or kill someone, you gotta do it yourself. 435 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,050 -Jeffrey? -I'm sorry, I'm under contract. 436 00:21:48,151 --> 00:21:50,086 -[Kitty] Meow? -Hello, Kitty. 437 00:21:50,286 --> 00:21:52,889 You'll probably want to stand on this side 438 00:21:52,922 --> 00:21:54,991 -of Mademoiselle Tambor. -JB, 439 00:21:55,024 --> 00:21:57,026 I ain't gonna let you do this. 440 00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:59,562 Call off your wife, or I'm canceling Prime. 441 00:21:59,596 --> 00:22:04,000 No! You can't cancel Prime. Nobody cancels Prime. 442 00:22:04,033 --> 00:22:07,103 My whole empire is primed on the primacy of Prime! 443 00:22:07,137 --> 00:22:10,173 Don't do the crime if you can't lose the Prime. 444 00:22:10,206 --> 00:22:12,308 You're really going to give it all up? 445 00:22:12,642 --> 00:22:15,445 The treats? The scratching post? For what? 446 00:22:15,478 --> 00:22:17,347 These... these Freaks? 447 00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:18,815 He delivered. 448 00:22:20,116 --> 00:22:21,184 You didn't. 449 00:22:21,217 --> 00:22:23,553 [laughs] Got you there, boss. Hey now! 450 00:22:29,526 --> 00:22:31,961 You're a worthy adversary, Kitty. 451 00:22:31,995 --> 00:22:35,031 Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. 452 00:22:35,932 --> 00:22:36,766 [sighs] Phew! 453 00:22:37,066 --> 00:22:41,004 -Kitty, you saved us. -What else is new, bitches? 454 00:22:41,037 --> 00:22:44,274 Oh, that feels good. Yeah, behind the ears. 455 00:22:44,307 --> 00:22:47,944 Now lower. Ooh! To the left. 456 00:22:47,977 --> 00:22:51,047 I think we all learned a little something here today. 457 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,084 Something every school child should take to heart. 458 00:22:55,118 --> 00:22:58,454 Nothing good ever comes from having a job. 459 00:22:58,488 --> 00:22:59,923 Jobs bad! 460 00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:01,524 Hey, why aren't you guys at work? 461 00:23:01,558 --> 00:23:03,893 Oh, great, let me guess. 462 00:23:03,927 --> 00:23:05,962 If you guess that we're home early because we ejected 463 00:23:05,995 --> 00:23:08,431 from a rocket ship, you guessed right. 464 00:23:08,464 --> 00:23:10,166 Well, the deal hasn't changed. 465 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,535 If you want to keep living here, you have to get a job. 466 00:23:12,569 --> 00:23:15,338 You don't understand we-- You're right. 467 00:23:15,638 --> 00:23:18,007 We'll start looking for a new gig tomorrow. 468 00:23:18,041 --> 00:23:21,411 And now that you have "astronaut" on your resumés, 469 00:23:21,444 --> 00:23:23,146 I'm sure something will open up. 470 00:23:23,179 --> 00:23:27,617 Oh, Kitty! You gotta stop playing with my laser pointer. 471 00:23:28,051 --> 00:23:30,987 -[beeping] -[sighs] I hate my life. 472 00:23:36,659 --> 00:23:39,195 I'm gonna get those Freak Brothers. 473 00:23:39,229 --> 00:23:41,164 And their little Kitty too! 474 00:23:41,197 --> 00:23:43,666 -[laughs evilly] -[coyote growling] 475 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,168 Holy shit, what is that? 476 00:23:47,136 --> 00:23:50,240 [howls] 477 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:55,545 ♪ Born to be high Born to be high ♪ 478 00:23:56,112 --> 00:23:59,315 ♪ Oh, glad that we smoke With my G, cold ♪ 479 00:23:59,349 --> 00:24:01,351 ♪ Hoppin' out the sixes With some gypsies ♪ 480 00:24:01,384 --> 00:24:02,585 ♪ In the freak rows 481 00:24:02,619 --> 00:24:04,254 ♪ You can see smoke puffin' ♪ 482 00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:05,688 ♪ As I'm glued down to my seat ♪ 483 00:24:05,722 --> 00:24:07,657 ♪ Laughin' as I'm passin' Got the munchies ♪ 484 00:24:07,690 --> 00:24:08,458 ♪ Man, I need to get ♪ 485 00:24:09,025 --> 00:24:12,061 ♪ I get high, I get high, I'm never coming down ♪ 486 00:24:12,095 --> 00:24:15,198 ♪ Give me Kush, give me Haze They lift me off the ground ♪ 487 00:24:15,231 --> 00:24:18,568 ♪ When your life gets tough And you don't know how ♪ 488 00:24:18,601 --> 00:24:20,303 ♪ Light a spliff And keep it pushin' ♪ 489 00:24:20,336 --> 00:24:22,372 ♪ 'Cause you have right now ♪ 490 00:24:22,405 --> 00:24:25,675 ♪ Born to be high ♪ 491 00:24:27,443 --> 00:24:28,544 -♪ Yo! -♪ Hey! 492 00:24:28,578 --> 00:24:32,215 ♪ Born to be high ♪ 493 00:24:34,784 --> 00:24:36,953 [man] It's a good show. 37032

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