Original subtitles

[Harper groans] What a hellacious day.

I mean, I just-- I can't wait to get in my house

and just relax. I'll talk to you later. [sighs]

[announcer on TV] And your secret ingredient is...

-Fennel! -Ooh.

Evening.

Could you please cover your balls? Ugh.

Yes, ma'am. Ten gallon hat for a ten gallon. [laughs]

Oh, God. That's it! House meeting! Now!

I've had it! I'm sick of coming home

to a dirty house, empty fridge,

and your bare asses on my custom crafted furniture.

If laying bare buttocked on an ult-tree suede couch

-is a sin, then drag me to hell. -[laugh]

And who has been ordering hundreds of dollars

of stuff on Amazon?

Oh! A Kitty Condo.

Oh! New James Patterson book. I'm getting right into this.

I think what Harper is trying to say is that

while you three do contribute a certain repartee and, uh...

-Wisdom? -Odor.

We think it's time you start pulling your weight a bit more

-in the, um, financial sphere-- -Get fucking jobs!

-Whoo! -Whoo!

Is that some sort of a metaphor?

Yes, a metaphor for "Pay rent or get out."

And you guys still owe me ten bucks.

Will you take a personal cheque?

[groans] Gimme back my check book!

-[theme song playing] -♪ Brother, hmm ♪

♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪

♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪

♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪

♪ Roll another J and get high ♪

♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪

♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪

♪ The Freak Brothers ♪

Getting a job wouldn't be the worst thing.

No, no, no! This is how it starts.

You get a job, and then you're paying taxes.

Then before you know it, you're goose stepping

at a torchlit rally in Nuremberg.

And after you know it, you're stepping in goose poop.

I'm not judging you for your life choices.

I don't judge anything, anywhere, for any reason.

Well, this might be an opportune time

to talk to you about my venereal history.

But there is something to be said for self-sufficiency.

It's a very attractive quality.

Attractive quality. [laughs] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Freddy, what the fuck are they talking about? [grunts]

Goose poop. Goose poop.

Can you explain this

fifty-year gap in your work history?

Yes. We were sleeping.

What he means is we were exploring our options.

It was what the kids call a gap year.

Gap. G-A-P.

Stands for "Ganja and Prostitutes."

A.K.A. smokin' and fuckin'.

[grunts]

To be honest, I could give a rat's ass about this gig.

But don't tell the manager when he gets here.

I am the manager.

[laugh]

Yeah, a lady is the manager. And I'm a trumpet! [farts]

-Get out. -[groans]

[Freddy] ♪ Hi ho, hi ho ♪

♪ It's off to work We don't go ♪

Work shmerk! Not everyone should have a job.

You know who liked universal employment?

Mao Zedong and Joe Stalin.

No. We're not giving up.

There is one place even your anarchist ass

wouldn't mind working.

So, we'd really love a job. It seems like a great fit.

[chuckles] Listen, Frank. Can I call you Frank?

-You came to the right place. -You guys working here with us?

Ah, yes, please! That'd be so tight!

-My pants are tight! -Seriously, dude,

all you do is just like talk weed all day

and you get a great discount.

See, Phineas? Doesn't sound so bad.

Cool. Yeah, just gotta be here every morning at 9:00 am sharp.

-[Charlie] Mm-hmm. -And you have to sweep up

at the end of your shift.

Oh! But you get to keep any coins you find in the dirt.

[chuckles] I found 47 cents once!

At least we get to smoke pot for eight hours.

Oh, no. No, you actually, you can't smoke on the premises.

-State law. -Well, that's understandable,

I guess. I mean a pharmacist

can't pop ludes all day, [ chuckles] am I right?

-I mean they probably could-- -Hey, chuck.

Who would you say means the most to you in the world?

-My mom, definitely. -Your mom's a whore.

Fuck you! [sobs]

Whoa, dude, what the heck, Phineas?

Very unchill.

You guys are officially persona non grata.

Great! When do we start?

Well, thanks. You saved us

from the evil capitalists again, Phineas.

You're welcome.

Nah, nah, nah. See, see,

if the bag got a picture of a cat on it,

it belongs to me.

If it's got a picture of a big fat motherfucker on it,

that's all you.

Man, Gretchen's gonna think we're a bunch of

shit kickin' losers.

Stupid fuckin' Kitty Condo.

Hey! You seein' this?

Better get your boy under control

or we're gonna have a problem.

[meows]

[spy music plays]

[electrical zapping]

[beeping]

[speaking Vietnamese]

[speaking Hindi]

-[Kitty meows] -Kitty! [meowing]

Waiting on my shipment is how I am.

Where the hell's my Howdy Doody squeeze toy at?

I love that creepy, little, freckle face cowboy.

I'll look into it. [sighs]

I got 99 problems, and closing in

on a trillion dollars net worth ain't one. [laughs]

You losing Prime customers, JB?

Losing Primers? Jesus, no! Don't even say that.

Then what's the trouble, Hubble?

You got the bling, you got the new señorita.

You're on top of the world, baby.

I'm not worried about this world.

I've got this bet with Elon Musk.

First guy to put a man on Mars, wins.

I hear that. Uh, what's Mars?

I have the rocket. Problem is the astronauts.

I'm trying to cut red tape, like, "safety"

and "redundant life support systems."

When you say, astronauts how many do you need?

-Anywhere from two to four-- -Three?

Yeah, three. But, you know, real schmucks

-who won't be missed. -[screwdriver whirring]

-Oh. -[Franklin laughs]

[laughs]

[snoring]

[doorbell rings]

-Get the door, you mope. -I'll get it.

Hello. I'm Jeff Bezos from Amazon.

Amazon? You got our goldfish crackers?

I heard you gentlemen might be in need of a job.

-Yeah, but-- -No!

How would you like to be astronauts?

Astronauts? Hot damn! We're in!

Yeah, we're in. [grunts, farts]

I think I've found my shmucks-- Uh, astronauts.

Men, men.

[drumroll]

I'm Mrs. Maisel, star of Amazon's award-winning series

about a female comedian in the '50s.

Here's a joke.

"How do you stop a Jewish woman from having sex?

-Marry her! [laughs] -[grunt]

Now it's time to train for your trip to Mars.

This is too cool for school.

I'm gonna be a daggum space man!

Franklin, you dumb country bumpkin.

Space travel is a hoax.

Moon landing was shot on a soundstage

in Walt Disney's basement.

Wait ‘til Gretchen sees you in your space suit!

She'll get a boner. [chuckles]

[Jeff Bezos] They're perfect.

[Tambor] Don't they seem a bit limited?

No. "Limited," Jeffrey Tambor,

is the number of options you have

after air-humping half the cast of Transparent.

-That was never proven! -It was worse than "proven."

It was alleged! Bottom line,

I got you under contract for two more years.

You wear the dress, you wear the wig,

-you do what I say. -Yes, milord.

Stop improvising! And wipe that lipstick off,

you look like a whore.

[footsteps approaching]

-[Harper] Wow. [chuckles] -Go on. Open it.

Oh. Uh.

A sixty-four pack of toilet paper.

That is so thoughtful.

Go on try it out. It's the good stuff!

We won't need it where we're going.

So, what exactly are you working men doing?

It's top secret. [exhales]

But Amazon's involved if you catch my drift.

So, you're working in the warehouse?

[laughs] Heck, no.

Suffice it to say, this will be the most important job

we have ever done.

It's the only job you've ever done.

They said not to say nothin', so I'll spell it.

We're going to M-A-R-Z.

That's it, cat's outta the bag,

we're astronauts, and we're blastin' off

to Mars tomorrow! [chuckles]

How's that for self-sufficient?

[Phineas] How's that for self-delusional?

There is no space program.

It's all a hoax-- Ow! Ow! You fuck!

Don't you need training to be an astronaut?

Astronauts. [scoffs] Yeah, right.

Uh, damn, I got a hangnail.

Oh, we received loads of training!

Diversity, sexual harassment...

I learned you gotta tell a woman

before you touch her bur-jine-urr.

Well, whatever it is you're doing,

-I'm very proud. -Yes.

You got jobs, whatever they are.

That is the important thing.

Pardon me for offering my two cents,

but do you feel no compunction

about sending these picaroons to a likely demise?

I got the most powerful man in the world sending me

the best squeezy toy ever made, that's Howdy Doody by the way,

direct to my door. Do I look compuncted to you?

[dramatic music playing]

Pretty impressive, huh, A-lon?

You haven't won the bet yet, B-zos.

Your guys still gotta make it there.

Where'd you find them anyway?

Oh, I got this friend who's a cat who found them for me.

You have a friend? What's that like?

[heroic music plays]

[cheers and applause]

[crowd gasps]

[sighs] Tape!

-Well, hello there, pretty lady. -[sighs] I hate my life.

Wow, they went all out on this set.

This fake Mars mission is gonna give

that fake moon landing a run for its money.

Right, Phineas. All this stuff is fake.

So, so fake.

[Phineas] Styrofoam and, uh, dry ice?

And forty million newtons of thrust! [screams]

[Franklin] First men on Mars.

We're gonna get a hell of a parade.

[sniffs]

Now, they're pumping rocket fuel scented air freshener in here.

Nice touch, Bezos!

Someone call out things I can say “check” to!

Sure thing, fellow astronauts! Seat belts.

Check! That's everything.

-Three, two, one, launch! -No, wait!

[rumbles] Whoa! Holy shit! We're going to space!

Space Cowboy. Yee-haw!

Eject button! Can't move hand!

Get away from button.

-Stop. -Get away!

-No! -Nope!

Don't need seatbelt! Big boy.

No!

Wanna pay me what you owe me now?

-One dollar. -No way, mutha-fucka.

You still have to stick the landing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my hyperloop awaits.

Mrs. Bezos, nice meeting you.

You gave up half your empire for this?

[suspenseful music plays]

No! No! No! Come back! Are you fucking crazy, Phineas?

-We were going to Mars! -Exactly! We were going to Mars!

I don't even like leaving the house!

I was gonna come home a hero!

Be on the cover of Life Magazine .

More like the cover of Dead Guy Magazine.

Every time somethin' good comes my way,

you take the wheel and drive us into a ditch.

You got something to say?

-say it! -I hate you,

and you always find a way to ruin my life.

Stop talking in metaphors.

I can't have a conversation with this guy!

People of Mars.

I bring you greetings from Planet Earth.

[Jeff] goddammit!

Whose idea was it to have a functioning ejection button?

Hey, now! Don't look at me. Shall I release the dollar?

-Never! -[groans]

Musk doesn't know they ejected, and he never will.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-What are you thinking? -That I get to star

in a show where I don't have to wear grandma panties?

Yeah. That's what America's waiting for.

You know how we digitally removed you

from all past seasons of Transparent?

What? You did?

We'll use the same CGI technology

to place the Freaks in the capsule

and show them landing on Mars.

But what about the actual Freaks?

Oh, we'll kill them. Activate the asset.

-[Alexa] Activating asset. -[thrilling music plays]

[Phineas] The rocket was real, okay?

I was wrong about that. But we're not real astronauts.

Why would they send us?

Doesn't something feel off to you?

Yeah. [chuckles] Something feels off!

We're in the middle of the desert

when we should be on our way to Mars!

Guys, don't fight in front of the Martians.

[squawks]

I don't know why I ever do anything you say.

-You always let us down. -Wait a minute!

When have I ever, ever let us down?

Oh, let's see here. Oh, here we go.

Putting us to sleep for fifty years.

Burning my draft card. Which was still in my wallet.

Which was still in my pants. Which was still on my body!

Better than going to Vietnam, wasn't it?

Telling me college was a conspiracy

of the education complex.

Condoms were a conspiracy of the latex complex.

Jobs were a conspiracy of the employment complex...

and finally, making us leave our apartment

because it was a conspiracy of the apartment complex!

-Where are you going? -Back to Amazon!

I'm gettin' on the next rocket to Mars.

If they'll still have me.

You can't just go.

-What about Freddy? -He's a grown man.

He can take care of himself.

[Freddy] Captain's log, I have made contact with Martians.

-They do not like to be hugged. -Go! Who needs ya?

Just be careful where you walk!

The desert's a playground for the CIA!

Filled with trip wires, and coyote people!

[Jeff Bezos] Yes, Kitty. All good.

They're on their way to the red planet.

Thanks again for the referral.

That's five percent off your next order.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the number I'm most concerned with is “three.”

That's three days in a row I've gone outside

and not seen Howdy Doody on my doorstep.

[ringing] Xiawu hao, Amazon. Xi xi. Prime member?

Smell ya later, Kitty!

Customer in Tai Pei got the wrong mattress.

Meow, meow, meow.

JB? We had a deal man!

Hello? Oh, he did not just hang up on me.

I'm worried about Franklin.

-Do you think he's in danger? -Of course, he's in danger.

We're all in danger.

I just haven't cracked what's going on yet.

But I feel like I'm gettin' close. [screams]

What the fuck was that?

It feels like somebody's trying to send us a message.

Maybe they want us to learn piano!

A ride home!

Jeff Bezos says, hello.

Ha! I told you there were tripwires

in this desert!

So, I was right! Wait!

That guy said, “Jeff Bezos says, hello.”

So, that means, Hang on, I almost got it.

[gasps] Jeff Bezos is trying to kill us!

Franklin!

[growls]

Thank God! Hey! Hey, it's me!

Hello? [chuckles] Hello?

Mr. Bezos? It's me.

Freewheelin' Franklin Freek.

I'm sorry that idiot Phineas screwed up your space launch!

We... we were sort of like brothers,

which is why I listened to him. But we're not brothers anymore!

-[dramatic music plays] -Hello?

What the heck?

-Where am I? -[drumroll]

[Tambor] And now, ladies and gentlemen,

from her Amazon Original Series, the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Hey now!

Thank you!

Oh, can someone turn down these lights?

I'm shvitzing like a moyel with Parkinson's!

-[audience laughing] -I gotta get back on a rocket,

so I can go up to Mars, and then come back a hero.

Come back? [laughs] That was a one-way trip.

You were never coming back, darling.

-[audience laughing] -Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot.

One last joke before I kill you!

How do you stop an empowered woman

with the juiciest brisket in Manhattan,

and a forty-five pointed at your heart? [screams]

With a one-ton pallet of Fiji water, that's how!

-On special for Prime Members! -[applause]

I know I always say you screw up my life,

which you do. But you just saved it.

-So, I guess I owe you-- -An apology?

I was gonna say a beer and a burger, but

if it's an apology you want, well, hey, that's a lot cheaper.

[laughs]

I know sometimes I can sound a bit overly accurate

which people might interpret as crazy!

-But I'm gonna work on it. -Hey, you are crazy.

Crazy as a menstruatin' armadilla.

-But, uh, hey, thanks brother. -All right. Let's get out here.

-Freddy? -Just a second!

Oh, perfect!

Ah, shit. How are we gonna get home, now?

How about those?

[upbeat music plays]

♪ Born to be high ♪

-Yo! -Hey!

♪ Born to be high Born to be high ♪

♪ Oh, gotta weed smoke With my G, cold ♪

♪ Hoppin' out the sixes With some gypsies ♪

♪ In the freak rows ♪

♪ You can see smoke Often as a rooted to my seat ♪

♪ ...got the munchies Man, I need to get ♪

♪ I get high, I get high, I'm never coming down ♪

♪ Give me Kush, give me Haze They lift me up the ground ♪

♪ When your life gets tough And you don't know how ♪

♪ Light a spliff And keep on pushin' ♪

♪ 'Cause you have right now ♪

[sighs] Home sweet home. Good to be back on planet Earth.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's a long story. It all started back in 1969.

Here, I got you something from Mars.

Ooh!

[rattles]

You fat, beautiful son of bitch.

[Alexa] Unlocking doors. Hello, father.

If you wanna build a trillion-dollar company,

or kill someone, you gotta do it yourself.

-Jeffrey? -I'm sorry, I'm under contract.

-[Kitty] Meow? -Hello, Kitty.

You'll probably want to stand on this side

-of Mademoiselle Tambor. -JB,

I ain't gonna let you do this.

Call off your wife, or I'm canceling Prime.

No! You can't cancel Prime. Nobody cancels Prime.

My whole empire is primed on the primacy of Prime!

Don't do the crime if you can't lose the Prime.

You're really going to give it all up?

The treats? The scratching post? For what?

These... these Freaks?

He delivered.

You didn't.

[laughs] Got you there, boss. Hey now!

You're a worthy adversary, Kitty.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[sighs] Phew!

-Kitty, you saved us. -What else is new, bitches?

Oh, that feels good. Yeah, behind the ears.

Now lower. Ooh! To the left.

I think we all learned a little something here today.

Something every school child should take to heart.

Nothing good ever comes from having a job.

Jobs bad!

Hey, why aren't you guys at work?

Oh, great, let me guess.

If you guess that we're home early because we ejected

from a rocket ship, you guessed right.

Well, the deal hasn't changed.

If you want to keep living here, you have to get a job.

You don't understand we-- You're right.

We'll start looking for a new gig tomorrow.

And now that you have "astronaut" on your resumés,

I'm sure something will open up.

Oh, Kitty! You gotta stop playing with my laser pointer.

-[beeping] -[sighs] I hate my life.

I'm gonna get those Freak Brothers.

And their little Kitty too!

-[laughs evilly] -[coyote growling]

Holy shit, what is that?

[howls]

♪ Born to be high Born to be high ♪

♪ Oh, glad that we smoke With my G, cold ♪

♪ Hoppin' out the sixes With some gypsies ♪

♪ In the freak rows

♪ You can see smoke puffin' ♪

♪ As I'm glued down to my seat ♪

♪ Laughin' as I'm passin' Got the munchies ♪

♪ Man, I need to get ♪

♪ I get high, I get high, I'm never coming down ♪

♪ Give me Kush, give me Haze They lift me off the ground ♪

♪ When your life gets tough And you don't know how ♪

♪ Light a spliff And keep it pushin' ♪

♪ 'Cause you have right now ♪

♪ Born to be high ♪

-♪ Yo! -♪ Hey!

♪ Born to be high ♪

[man] It's a good show.