Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

(Carrie) Dad, will you please drop it?

(Arthur) I won't!

(Carrie) You're being insane!

I just want to be properly groomed!

That's the opposite of insane!

This has nothing to do with grooming.

It has to do with you trying to get your hair dyed for free.

Tinted! [Doug whispering] On your left.

The point is, I am not schlepping you

to some beauty school in Brooklyn

just so that you can save a few bucks.

It's not to save a few bucks.

I want to help the Paul lemond students learn their craft!

[Whispering] Need the butter, thanks.

Douglas, do you think my request is so insane?

Go ahead, tell him, Doug. Tell him how insane it is.

I don't want any trouble.

Ok, all right. You know what, dad?

Fine. If you want to go so badly,

here is money for a cab. Go to Brooklyn.

Get a mohawk, have a ball.

I don't want your filthy lucre.

Ok, your lucre's in my toast.

(Carrie) Well, I am not driving you,

so if you want to go,

you're gonna have to hitchhike.

So some trucker can have his way with me?

[Exclaiming] You'd love that!

(Carrie) Yeah, I'd love it if he drove off with you.

(Arthur) How dare you!

(Carrie) What the hell is wrong with you?

(Arthur) Perhaps you should be asking that of yourself.

And we're back.

Why would you try to dye your own hair? Why?

Because you wouldn't drive me to Brooklyn!

[Whispering] Excuse me. I just need a beer.

And congratulations, dad,

you've managed to ruin my sink.

And why black hair dye?

I mean, what's that about?

The drugstore was out of summer auburn.

Besides, I think I look quite dashing.

(Carrie) Dashing?

You're dripping like bad mascara.

You should know!

Why wouldn't you just take the $20 I gave you

and call a cab? Hmm? Why?

(Arthur) It was a matter of principle!

(Carrie) Principle?

Oh, ok, what principle is that, dad?

(Carrie) I pay for your room, your food, your clothes.

What principle won't allow you to take my money for your hair?

Oh, couldn't even get the bat off your shoulder on that one, huh?

[Door opening]

Because my room, food, and clothing

do not grow out of my head!

That's the difference.

Well, well.

Now who can't get the bat off their shoulder?

Good night.

[Door closing]

Turn the light off, hon'.

Turn the light off? Turn the light off?

Yeah.

Did you happen to notice that a lunatic just came into our room?

And now he's gone, so can you turn the light off?

Carrie!

What are you so upset about all of a sudden?

This kind of thing happens almost every day.

And it's not natural.

Other people don't live like this.

I know, 'cause I see them on my route.

Ok, they're happy. They smile, they sing, Carrie.

We don't sing!

What do you want me to do, Doug?

He's just a crazy, difficult old man.

Yeah, well, there must be things you can do with crazy old people.

What? Like get him his own corner on 48th street?

I don't know. All I'm sayin' is, I can't take it anymore.

Look, I'm gonna lay it on the line here.

If you wanna keep gettin' this,

you're gonna have to do something about that.

Ok, which way you leanin', here?

All right, Doug, maybe you're right.

We could take him to see a therapist or something.

Therapist?

I was thinking more along the lines

of a big cage.

Why don't we try this first?

Yeah, but therapists, aren't they expensive?

No, we'll just take him for one session,

just so the guy can get a sense of who he is, you know?

What goes on in his mind and give him some really good drugs.

Drugs. Yeah, yeah. That's good.

That's what they do with cranky old people now. They dope 'em up.

Yeah.

Let's bring him in, get him altered.

I'll check into it tomorrow, ok?

Ok. All right.

Let's go back to sleep.

(Doug) Hey, as long as we're up, you, uh...

You want some of this?

Good night, honey. All right, good night.

So, Arthur, how do you feel about being here?

I despise it with every fiber of my being.

Psychiatry is for the weak and the decadent.

Then why did you agree to come?

I was promised a steak dinner.

A fancy steakhouse, not sizzler!

Who exactly was that directed towards?

My daughter and son-in-law,

who are obviously observing me in the waiting room

through this 2-way mirror.

[Exclaiming]

It's a regular mirror.

And the waiting room is over there.

Fine. We'll play it your way.

Well, as long as you are here,

is there anything you'd like to talk about?

Nothing you want to hear, my friend.

What do you think I want to hear?

Oh, I suppose all the usual moaning and crying.

[Whining] Oh, doctor, please help me.

I was an unhappy child.

I wanted to kill my father and make love to my mother.

Damn, you're good.

But my most frequent childhood fear

was that I would lose my voice,

that one day I would try to speak

and no sound would come out.

Aha.

Does that mean I'm gay?

No.

It could mean you feel like you're not always being heard.

Yes, of course.

Which is perhaps

why you developed a tendency to scream.

Amazing. How did you know I scream?

From before, when you screamed at me.

Sorry again about that. I didn't realize

you were just making notes on your pad.

I thought you were drawing my caricature.

Let's talk more about this issue of not being heard.

Can you remember a specific incident from childhood

when you felt that way?

Oh, can I ever.

It involved something very, very close to my heart.

Hey, Arthur, do those dumb things even work?

I'm looking at your skeleton as we speak.

Getting those glasses was the happiest moment of my life.

You mean up to that point?

No. Ever.

Hey, Arthur,

I thought dad said you couldn't have those.

Where did you get the money anyhow?

Don't tell him.

I won it pitching pennies against whitey dugan.

Damn.

[Door opening]

Hi, dad.

Hey, there, skitchy! How's it goin'?

Good.

Hi, dad.

Arthur.

Say, what's that on your head?

These are just my regular glasses.

Really?

They always had those spirally circle things on the lenses?

[Stammering] Sure.

Don't lie to me, boy.

I can check with your optometrist.

They're X-ray glasses.

He bought them with the money he won pitching pennies.

What?

Et tu, skitch?

I thought I told you any money you win pitching pennies

goes right into skitchy's college fund, huh?

It was just 15 cents, dad!

Please, dad, don't throw 'em in the trash.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Happy Birthday, skitch. Thanks, dad.

Now go to your room!

I hate it here!

[Door slamming]

Those glasses meant the world to me,

but you couldn't hear that, could you?

Instead you had to give them to skitch,

your beloved, your golden boy.

Skitch is a smart kid. He's going places.

He's gonna be arrested 9 times

for stealing women's shoes.

Hey, you want to join yourself in that bedroom?

You can't intimidate me any more, dad.

Oh, God.

Get back here!

You want a piece of me?

You're gonna have to come through my psychiatrist.

Ooh, what have we here?

Big fancy park Avenue headshrinker, huh?

What's the matter,

couldn't make it as a real doctor?

I'm just here to observe.

Oh, are you, Mary?

Uh, let's get out of here.

Well, Arthur and I have had a very interesting hour.

I think, perhaps, there are ways

to bring about an improvement in the situation

you've been having at home.

Hey, listen, if, uh, there's anything we can do

to--to help Arthur feel better,

please, you know, just say the word.

Absolutely.

So is the pharmacy in the lobby still open, or...

Yes. Why?

Well, if you can write a prescription now,

he'll be much happier by tonight.

[Carrie laughing]

May I continue? Please.

Arthur, by his own admission,

is a man who struggles with not being heard.

The more he feels like he's not being heard,

the louder he screams, literally and figuratively.

As you know, he is a screamer.

Not in the gay sense.

Anyway, a pattern has obviously developed

wherein Arthur assumes that the 2 of you

will consider his desires to be extreme or frivolous,

and thus he tends to live down to your expectations.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I do. We do.

[Clearing throat]

So, uh, does the pharmacy take insurance, or...

You're not gonna write him a prescription, are you?

My only prescription is more validation for this man.

Listen to him. Hear him.

Let him be who he is.

Hey, dad. Whatcha got goin' on here?

Making candles.

Candles?

Yes, I always wanted to make and sell them out of my own home.

Ok, first of all, my home.

Second of all, I eat spaghetti out of that.

Well, well.

I'm not feeling very validated right now.

No, no, no. No, no, dad.

We support you all the way.

And by the way, we do validate.

We just want to make sure

that this is something you really, really wanna do.

It is.

[Exclaiming] Ok, then.

Oh, um.

Just try to watch out for, you know,

burning the house down.

Roger that!

Ok.

"Let's take him to a therapist."

Wow! You're smart.

All right, I thought the guy would just medicate him.

Did I know he was a "validation" quack?

I say we just bail on this right now.

We can't.

I'm the one who made him go to a shrink.

If we blow off what the guy says now,

my dad will never listen to me again.

Things will just get worse.

There's a man with glaucoma

pouring hot wax in our kitchen.

How much worse can it get?

(Arthur) Anyone want a candle

that looks sort of like melvyn Douglas?

[Sighing]

I do!

Mind if I hang this over the mantel?

Permission to start a bluegrass band.

Don't mind me.

This is just for my documentary.

I'd like to get a large parrot

and name it Douglas.

F.Y.I.,

the lippman's will be spending the night.

I'd like to get another parrot that lives,

and call it Douglas the second.

Actually, perhaps I should wait

until I get the rest of Douglas the first

off the side of the garage.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello.

[Sighing]

Hey, how's the, uh, bluegrass band workin' out for you?

You got any gigs lined up?

No, it never really got goin'.

Mickey cracked his tooth blowin' into the jug.

Uh-huh.

Hey, so when am I gettin' my candle in the shape of rusty staub?

Uh, that's not gonna happen.

Unfortunately,

hot wax and hairy forearms are a volatile mix.

Right, right.

Hey, how's Douglas the second doin'?

I'm sorry.

Hey, look, Arthur, is there anything else you need?

Or, you know, anything you want to buy or...

Or build or immerse yourself in?

'Cause we're here to listen.

No, no. I'm--I'm quite fine, thanks.

Think I'll go grab a little nap.

[Exclaiming]

That shrink is a genius!

What?

He knew what he was doing all along.

We just kept validating Arthur until he punched himself out.

I--I--I can't even describe to you how I feel right now.

Carrie, I swear to you, I've never been happier.

I've never been more miserable.

The adjustments you've been making at home,

the listening, the validating, that's not working?

Well, it's working for my father, I guess.

Now that we give him everything he wants,

he doesn't want anything.

No more crazy demands,

no more screaming, no more fighting.

It's what Doug's always wanted.

He's happy, but I'm miserable.

Well, let's explore that.

Hey, doc, listen to me, ok?

I don't need to send your kid to college

to find out what I already know.

And what is that?

That I like to fight.

Obviously, on some level,

I enjoyed fighting with my father,

and now that we don't fight, I miss it.

If you knew that, why'd you come to see me?

Um, well, I was hoping that you could, um,

prescribe me something, you know,

to kind of take the sting out of it.

[Sighing]

Uh-huh. Well, since we have the whole hour,

why don't we talk about your fighting issue?

Wow, you really don't like to take that prescription pad

out of the holster, do you?

Fine!

I'll talk about my "fighting issue."

What do you want, like a childhood memory or something?

It's up to you.

Ugh. Ok, fine.

Sheena easton sucks!

She does not. She's the best.

You're stupid!

I'm not stupid, Carrie. You are.

You are!

And that outfit, not your best look.

You see?

I liked to fight even as a kid.

Are you convinced now?

Well, I see what you're saying,

though I find it interesting

you picked this particular memory to use as an example.

I picked it because it was Lucy McDonald's birthday party.

She was my best friend. Let's go back.

Not just yet.

Why? So you can finish eating?

That cake is 22 years old.

It's good,

and I'm not really a cake guy.

What's happening over there?

Please let this be a Barbie dream house.

Please, please, please.

I hope it's not.

Why did you say that?

I thought Lucy was your best friend.

She was. I don't know why I said that.

♪[Music playing]

A Barbie dream house! Yay!

Damn.

Why are you upset?

'Cause Lucy got what she wanted.

But you love her. You should be happy.

Well, I'm not.

What is wrong with you?

[Lucy screaming]

A bee! A bee!

[Children screaming]

Now you're happy? That's demented!

She's demented!

Help! He's gonna sting me! He's gonna sting me!

[Snickering]

Actually, it is kind of funny.

[Both mimicking lucy] "He's gonna sting me! Aah!"

♪[Music continues playing]

Oh, my God.

I'm only happy when other people are miserable,

and I'm miserable when they're happy.

Is that it?

I'm afraid

we're out of time.

I'm really not following you at all.

It's very simple.

You are a happy person by nature,

and I am not.

Ok, look. You are here,

and I am here.

When my father was acting like a maniac,

that made you unhappy,

which brought you down to here,

closer to me,

which made me happier

because now I had some company.

How you doing so far?

Keep going. Ok.

Now that my father's calmed down,

you are back up here,

and I am stuck down here by myself.

You are happy, I am not, and I hate that.

So when I'm unhappy, that makes you happy?

Well, not happy, but happier.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm a little shaken by that.

And you should be. That's my point.

Don't you see? No.

Doug, I am not fit to be with you.

You're sane and healthy and nice,

and I'm evil!

Carrie, hey. Would I marry evil?

Don't--don't touch me.

My wife won't let me touch her.

Does she usually?

Yes.

Yes, it's just the thing is...

The thing is she's convinced now that everything is her fault.

That she's a bad person or something.

Do you agree?

No.

No, she's great. I mean, I love her.

Then what do you think the problem is?

I was kind of hoping, for the $80,

you'd tell me.

I can't do that.

Does that make you angry with me?

What? No, no, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah, no. I'm--I'm sure.

Really? Because your neck is starting to perspire.

Look, I'm not angry! Leave me alone!

I said, leave me alone!

Hey, Mr. mazzio told us to clean the erasers.

That's all I'm doing.

♪ Cleaning the erasers cleaning the erasers ♪

Cut it out!

What's the matter, heffernan?

You're afraid of someone smaller than you?

You could kick my ass if you weren't such a chicken.

I don't want any trouble.

[Whispering] Why am I taking crap from that little runt?

I don't know, maybe you are a chicken.

What?

Hey, punch him in the face.

I don't wanna! You punch him!

I'm not punchin' him. Get in there and punch him in the face!

No!

Is that who you grew up to be? An I.P.S. Driver?

Loser!

Ok, you know what? That's it. Get in there and fight him.

Quit shoving me!

[Doug groaning] Oh, jeez!

[Doug yelling]

[Doug yelling]

[Object crashing]

[Doug choking]

What a freak show, huh?

[Both yelling]

[Glass shattering]

[Doug thudding]

I don't judge.

Wait!

That's it. I--I finally figured it out.

I do have anger,

but I don't like confrontation with other people,

so I take it all out on myself!

Knock it off!

Sorry.

So it turns out, by avoiding all the confrontation

that's been going on around here,

I actually caused the 2 of you

to have more conflict with each other.

So--so--so really,

it's my problem at the root of all this.

Oh, please! If you 2 are happy with the new situation,

then clearly, I'm the one with the problem.

Who says I'm happy?

I thought you were.

Are you kidding?

Being agreed with and validated?

I don't know who I am anymore!

I'm suicidal!

But, dad, if we go back to the way things were,

then you and I will feel better,

but then Doug will be unhappy again.

We can't have that. He's a good man.

But, Arthur, I don't want to stay happy

if the 2 of you are unhappy.

You're right. That would be very unfair.

All right, so what we're dealing with here is,

basically, only 2 of us can be happy at the same time.

What do we do?

So they're gonna keep fighting,

and I'm gonna come for therapy once a week.

How's Thursdays at 6:00?

It's perfect.

I'd also like to write you a prescription.

That'd be great. Thanks.

So why do you think

food has become such an important factor in your life?

Gee, I don't know. That's a good one.

I guess, 'cause, you know, food doesn't call you names

or say you're stupid.

It's always good.

Yes. Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like food is the only friend I have.

Hey. Come here.

Get off me, lard ass!

You are so dead after this session.