Original subtitles

Doug?

Hey, you. What are you doin' here?

Oh, I was just doin' a little shopping. What are you doin'?

Just out getting some new batteries for the remote.

Oh, were they dead?

No, but you don't want to be caught with your pants down.

Oh, well, great.

[Laughing]

It's funny. I never run into you out in the world like this.

[Laughing] I know. I know.

You look good.

Thank you.

So do you.

Well, I'll see you.

All right. Take it easy.

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

4 10s.

[Cackling]

Whoa. Not so fast. What?

Nothin', you were just doing that pretty fast.

[Laughing]

Ok, gentlemen.

The game is San Diego Scooby doo.

Yes.

All right. Here we go.

1, 1, 1, 1, 1.

2, 2, 2, 2, 2.

3, 3, 3--

so how are the kids?

Uh, they're great.

Thinking of starting Kirby on piano lessons.

Piano? I hear good things.

Hmm.

5--

all right. Let's bring it home here.

5, 5, 5, 5, and 6, 6, 6.

All right. Let's play some cards.

All right. I'll open. $2.

Outtie.

I'm out.

Aw, God.

What's the matter?

Oh, this tooth back here is just killin' me.

Chew on the other side.

Nah, the other side's been closed since August. [Breathing out]

Look, I gave you my dentist's number. Why don't you just go?

What are you, my mother? I don't need a dentist.

You can't chew on either side of your mouth.

It's all right. I got it covered.

I'll go right down the middle like a bunny rabbit.

(Deacon) Anyway.

I'll raise it $3.

Oh, goodbye.

And then there were 2.

I'll see your $3

and raise you $5.

You don't want to do that.

Oh, indeed I do.

Arthur, look what I have on board. I got 3 wild cards.

Just save your money and go out.

Oh, someone's too eager for me to fold.

Let's make that raise a $100.

I gotta go light, but I assure you I'm good for it.

Arthur, you can't raise me $100.

The maximum raise is $5.

Ooh, is the little baby scared?

[Imitating bawling]

You know what? Here.

I'll call your $100, and, boom, 5 kings.

This is humbling.

Night, man. Thanks for the game.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow.

[Sighing]

Kudos, sir, on a well-played game of poker.

Uh, thanks.

So here's the thing vis-a-vis the $100 I owe you.

I don't have that kind of money,

and I expect I never will.

Yeah, you know what? I kinda figured I wasn't gonna see it.

How dare you? I honor my debts!

You just told me you didn't have any money.

Well, I was hoping we might be able

to make some sort of alternate arrangement.

Ok. Like what?

Maybe instead of paying,

I could do some kind of good-natured stunt, like eat a bug, for example,

or parade naked through a major public event.

What else you got?

Ok, you said you wanted your son to learn piano.

Let's say I give him 10 lessons, and we're even.

I didn't know you were a pianist.

[Chuckling]

What's so funny?

Sorry,

but the word "pianist" always tickles me.

Seriously, I played with the u.S.O. For years

until I took one too many liberties with the Andrews sisters.

You know what? What the hell. Let's give it a try.

Marvelous! Bring the lad by on Saturday at 2:00.

All right. Cool. See you then, Arthur.

Darling, 2 questions.

1: Do you know how to play the piano?

And 2: Can you teach me very quickly?

No to both.

Damn!

Hey, what happened?

I thought you were gonna clean up after the game?

I know.

So what are you doing? You psyching yourself up?

My tooth hurts again.

All right, you know what? I don't want to hear about it.

[Sighing] Little hint:

When you're married to someone,

sometimes it's nice to be a little sympathetic.

Well, Doug, I am sorry. It's hard to be sympathetic

when you're acting like an idiot!

Much better.

I told you to go to the dentist 50 times.

Once again, my dentist died 6 years ago.

Just because your dentist dies

doesn't mean you're free from ever going to one again.

Can't a guy take some time to grieve?

Ok, let me bottom line this for you, ok?

If you lose your teeth, the beautiful thing we have together?

It's over.

All right. Deacon's got a guy. I'll go to him.

Thank you.

♪[Piano plunking]

Excuse me. Did that sound anything like chariots of fire?

So, you work with Deacon, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Great guy.

You know, I switched him over to the tape floss last time.

How's that workin' out for him?

Uh, not sure.

He's--he's kind of a private person.

Aah. What's that? Whoa.

Once again, this is just a little mirror.

Ok, but that pointy thing's not coming back, is it?

Well, I could tell you no, but I'd be lying.

Ok, just relax, Doug.

You're in good hands.

Hey, do you know who was in this chair

not 2 hours ago?

Who?

Stephen Baldwin.

Who?

He's one of the Baldwin brothers.

Which one?

Stephen.

Oh, yeah.

Ok, it looks like you have very advanced abscesses

in 2 of your pre-molars,

and substantial inflammation in the surrounding area.

All right, well, what I'm gettin' is "lay off the sweets."

Got it.

Actually, I'm afraid you're gonna need a couple of root canals.

It's gonna take 4 sessions.

I'm gonna level with you.

I'm devastated.

I know. It's no picnic,

but I will try to make it as comfortable as possible.

All right. Thanks.

Now, we're going to have to make an impression of your mouth.

Oh, oh, I've got a little treat for you.

Robin, bring in Stephen Baldwin's mold for Doug to look at.

Open wide.

All right, now, bite down.

[Gagging]

Breathe through your nose.

Just breathe through your nose.

Don't panic.

Doug?

I'm in the waiting room when you're done, honey, ok?

Dr. farber?

Carrie? Well, hi!

Saw the name on the door, but I didn't connect it.

Wait a minute, is this your wife?

Come here, you!

Oh, hi!

Doug, Dr. farber and his family

used to live up the street from me when I was a kid.

I used to baby-sit for his son. How's your family?

Oh, Mary and I split up a while back.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no! Believe me, it was for the best.

How's elliott?

Oh, he's in college now.

Uh, very interested in dance.

Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.

Well, looks like your practice is going well, huh?

Hey, well, as long as people let their teeth go to hell like this guy,

I make a nice living.

Well, it's good to see you again.

You, too! You, too.

I can't believe Dr. farber is your dentist.

That is so funny.

Well, was he known to be a good one?

'Cause he's about to drill into my face.

Yes. Very good.

You know, when I was 16, I had such a crush on him.

You know what I used to do after I put his kid to bed?

I would put on one of his shirts and wear it around the house.

Smelled like mennen speed stick.

Wow, I--I gotta tell you, car',

I don't think I should be getting dental work from a man you used to stalk.

What?

Seriously. You know?

Uh, maybe I should just take my time on this.

You know, lay low for a couple of years.

I hear they're very close to a root canal pill.

Ok, as far as b.S. Goes, not your best work. Ok, hon'?

Yeah. I felt it.

And that's how I learned you should always use extra strong rope

when lowering a piano out a window.

So, any questions?

When do we play piano?

Play piano. Ha, ha, ha.

I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there.

First we need to be around the instrument

to absorb its essence

without ever actually touching it.

My friend's teacher let him play on the first day.

Yes. But could your friend's teacher do this?

Hello.

[Impersonating bench] Hello.

You all right?

[Impersonating bench] It's all right.

Hey.

Greetings.

You guys done? Uh, how was the lesson?

Fun.

Yeah? Great.

You know, uh, if you want to make a little money,

one of our neighbors wants to get lessons for his kid, too.

Really? Well, send him over.

And, uh, while you're at it,

tell everyone you know.

You got it, my man. Come on, kirb'. Eh, what do you say?

Thank you.

[Impersonating bench] It's all right. [Laughing]

[Sighing]

Ok, I got the temporary crown off.

You doin' ok there? Uh-huh.

You know, I still can't get over you are married to Carrie.

That's unbelievable.

Yeah. It's a little weird for me at first, too.

You know, my dentist being the guy

my wife had the hots for when she was 16.

What?

Yeah. She was just telling me

how she would put on your shirt

just so she could smell you all night.

Creepy.

That's funny. I didn't think Carrie even knew I was alive.

Guess I was just too busy

trying to keep my dead-end marriage afloat.

Yeah. Marriage can be tough sometimes.

And then there was my 2nd marriage.

Of course, I got tricked into that one.

[Imitating wife] I forgot to take my pill.

Yeah, right.

[Laughing]

Wow. If I'd just waited a couple of extra years,

I could've ended up with Carrie.

You could've, yeah.

Hmm. You're a lucky guy, Doug.

Lucky, lucky guy.

[Screaming]

(Doug) I'm not going back to that guy.

I am not listening to this again.

He's a lunatic, and he's hurting me on purpose!

Why would he be hurting you on purpose?

Because he's punishing me for getting you.

What? Yeah.

He--he--he told me back when you used to baby-sit for him,

that he had a crush on you, too.

Really? Yeah.

Well, what exactly did he say?

I don't know. Some stuff about how you were great

and he wished he would've waited to marry you.

Shut up!

What else did he say?

I'm not sure. I was a little distracted

by the smoke coming out of my jaw.

Doug, listen to me.

I know going to the dentist is scary,

but I promise you,

Dr. farber is a professional.

He's not doing anything bad to you on purpose.

Is, too.

Honey, it's a root canal.

It's an unpleasant procedure.

That's why you hear people say, "crap, I need a root canal,"

and not, "yippee! I need a root canal."

But he's still hurting me.

I know, but not on purpose.

I'll tell you one thing--

just in case seeing you riles him all up,

I'm gonna have someone else take me there next Saturday.

Whatever help you, hon'.

Great. Now the novocaine kicks in!

Hello, benchy.

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?

[Impersonating bench] I don't know why.

To see time fly.

[Children laughing]

[Laughing in bench's voice]

(Arthur) Yes.

Are we ever gonna play the piano?

We'll get to that, darling.

First we limber up.

But I really want to play it now.

Ok, you're outta here.

What?

I got a waiting list a mile long,

so take your hello kitty bag and hit the bricks.

[Sighing]

So, anyone else wanna play the piano?

I didn't think so.

Ok, kids, now it's time to stare at the piano

and imagine yourself playing at carnegie hall.

I'll see you in 15 minutes.

Thanks for the lift.

Oh, sure. No problem.

Sorry about the smell in my car.

Spaniel barf is really hard to get out.

As opposed to other breeds?

Actually, yeah.

All right, Doug. Oh--

that's not Carrie.

No, no, no. She's, uh,

she's taking a class on Saturdays.

It's a whole quilting, sculpture thing.

May I ask you a question? Sure.

Where did you get your one tough cop poster?

I--I love that movie.

Oh, actually, I got it from the star.

Stephen Baldwin is a patient of mine.

No!

Gosh, you know, you never think,

he's gotta go to the dentist just like everyone else.

Look what he wrote.

"To one tough dentist,

all the best, Stephen Baldwin." Oh, that's so cool!

So are you my next patient?

Oh, no, no. I just drove Doug.

Oh, what a shame. With a smile like that,

it would be a very easy appointment.

Thanks.

Hey, are you free for lunch sometime?

Well, I'd have to move some dogs around, but sure.

Well, great.

Well, great.

[Both laughing]

Hey. How was your appointment?

Delightful and pain-free.

You see? I told you, big baby,

he wasn't trying to hurt you on purpose.

No, no. He was definitely trying to hurt me

back when he was obsessed with you.

But guess what, sister.

Dr. farber's got a love Jones for somebody else.

And suddenly, he doesn't feel the need

to diddle my nerve endings.

What? Who- who's this other person?

I'll give you a hint.

She's blonde, she's sweet, and she smells like poodle.

Holly? Dr. farber has a thing for holly?

Big thing. Hello, yesterday's news.

Well, that just proves my point,

that he wasn't trying to hurt you on purpose,

because if he was, there would be no way

that he would stop doing it for somebody like holly.

She is so not his type.

[Growling]

(Dr. farber) You want me to cry like a baby and say I'm sorry?

I won't.

(Holly) Why don't you act like a man for once?

Why don't you shut up for once?

All you do is drone on and on, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry I can't be more like your precious Carrie.

Forgive me.

Why don't you just go have another 6-pack, drunk?

Screw you!

All right, Doug.

Open up.

[Doug screaming]

So Kirby's been taking piano lessons.

Hey, kirb', come here.

Why don't you show aunt Helen and everyone what you've been learning?

Hello, benchy.

[Impersonating bench] Hello, Kirby.

Heh, heh.

[Telephone ringing]

Arthur spooner piano academy. "Let music fill your life."

How can I help you?

Let me check.

Lucky you, we had a cancellation.

Saturdays at 2:00. Cash only, please. Bye-bye.

[Knocking on door]

[Sighing]

[Clearing throat]

Play something on the piano.

What? No, uh, play something.

Anything.

Oh, sure.

First I need to limber up.

This may take a while. Now.

Fine.

If I cramp up, it's on your head.

[Sighing]

♪[Plucking]

Is that it?

No, of course not.

♪[Plucking]

That's it.

I can't believe you, Arthur.

You took all these kids' money, and you taught them nothing.

Not true. I taught them confidence. I taught them self-respect.

You taught them that the petals are there

because pianos used to be a type of vehicle.

Weren't they?

It's over, Arthur. I'm calling all the parents

and telling them what's been goin' on.

Could you just leave me the huang twins?

They're cash cows.

What's goin' on? This isn't carvel.

No. It's the back entrance to Dr. farber's office.

What?

[Automatic door lock clicking]

Doug, you've got one session left.

You've gotta finish this thing.

So Doug seems to have gotten this crazy idea

that you've been kinda hurting him on purpose

because you have a thing for me. Hah!

Doug, do you really think that?

I was told I wouldn't have to speak.

Wow. I--I--I don't know what to say.

I'm a little stunned by this,

but I--I guess I--I have to admit

seeing you again did bring up some feelings.

I know that sounds horrible.

No! No! I mean, I--I know Doug told you I had a crush on you.

Ha, I couldn't believe it.

Oh, I did. You know what I used to do sometimes?

I used to go downstairs in the basement, behind the wet bar,

[both laughing] And pretend we were hosting a party together.

What, like a dinner party? Ok, all right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I-I'm a very emotional person.

And maybe subconsciously I was taking out some resentment on you.

That is completely unacceptable, and I'm so sorry.

And I assure you it will not happen again.

Thank you.

Everything ok, Doug? Any pain at all? Uh-uh.

All right, we're heading for home

so just hang in there a couple more minutes.

[Intercom beeping]

Excuse me a second.

Hello.

Yeah. I'll take it.

Hey, how you doin'?

What?

Oh, wow. Uh-- all right, yeah.

Thanks for calling. Bye.

That was your friend Deacon.

Turns out this guy spooner,

who was giving my daughter piano lessons,

was just a scam artist. What a dirtbag.

Wait a minute. Spooner.

Carrie spooner.

[Knocking on door]

Oh. Hello, Mr. huang.

Hello, boys.

Play something.