All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E24 - Two Thirty (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

Doug?

Hey, you.
What are you doin' here?

Oh, I was just doin'
a little shopping.
What are you doin'?

Just out getting
some new batteries
for the remote.

Oh, were they dead?

No, but you don't want
to be caught
with your pants down.

Oh, well, great.

[Laughing]

It's funny. I never run
into you out in the world
like this.

[Laughing]
I know. I know.

You look good.

Thank you.

So do you.

Well, I'll see you.

All right.
Take it easy.

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

4 10s.

[Cackling]

Whoa. Not so fast.
What?

Nothin', you were just
doing that pretty fast.

[Laughing]

Ok, gentlemen.

The game is
San Diego Scooby doo.

Yes.

All right.
Here we go.

1, 1, 1, 1, 1.

2, 2, 2, 2, 2.

3, 3, 3--

so how are the kids?

Uh, they're great.

Thinking of starting Kirby
on piano lessons.

Piano? I hear good things.

Hmm.

5--

all right.
Let's bring it home here.

5, 5, 5, 5,
and 6, 6, 6.

All right.
Let's play some cards.

All right. I'll open. $2.

Outtie.

I'm out.

Aw, God.

What's the matter?

Oh, this tooth back here
is just killin' me.

Chew on the other side.

Nah, the other side's
been closed since August.
[Breathing out]

Look, I gave you
my dentist's number.
Why don't you just go?

What are you, my mother?
I don't need a dentist.

You can't chew
on either side of your mouth.

It's all right.
I got it covered.

I'll go right down the middle
like a bunny rabbit.

(Deacon)
Anyway.

I'll raise it $3.

Oh, goodbye.

And then there were 2.

I'll see your $3

and raise you $5.

You don't want
to do that.

Oh, indeed I do.

Arthur, look what
I have on board.
I got 3 wild cards.

Just save your money
and go out.

Oh, someone's too eager
for me to fold.

Let's make that raise a $100.

I gotta go light,
but I assure you
I'm good for it.

Arthur,
you can't raise me $100.

The maximum raise is $5.

Ooh,
is the little baby scared?

[Imitating bawling]

You know what? Here.

I'll call your $100,
and, boom, 5 kings.

This is humbling.

Night, man.
Thanks for the game.

All right.
I'll see you tomorrow.

[Sighing]

Kudos, sir,
on a well-played game
of poker.

Uh, thanks.

So here's the thing
vis-a-vis the $100 I owe you.

I don't have
that kind of money,

and I expect I never will.

Yeah, you know what?
I kinda figured
I wasn't gonna see it.

How dare you?
I honor my debts!

You just told me
you didn't have any money.

Well, I was hoping
we might be able

to make some sort
of alternate arrangement.

Ok. Like what?

Maybe instead of paying,

I could do some kind
of good-natured stunt,
like eat a bug, for example,

or parade naked
through a major public event.

What else you got?

Ok, you said
you wanted your son
to learn piano.

Let's say
I give him 10 lessons,
and we're even.

I didn't know
you were a pianist.

[Chuckling]

What's so funny?

Sorry,

but the word "pianist"
always tickles me.

Seriously,
I played with the u.S.O.
For years

until I took one
too many liberties
with the Andrews sisters.

You know what? What the hell.
Let's give it a try.

Marvelous! Bring the lad by
on Saturday at 2:00.

All right. Cool.
See you then, Arthur.

Darling, 2 questions.

1: Do you know
how to play the piano?

And 2: Can you
teach me very quickly?

No to both.

Damn!

Hey, what happened?

I thought you were
gonna clean up
after the game?

I know.

So what are you doing?
You psyching yourself up?

My tooth hurts again.

All right, you know what?
I don't want
to hear about it.

[Sighing]
Little hint:

When you're married
to someone,

sometimes it's nice
to be a little sympathetic.

Well, Doug, I am sorry.
It's hard to be sympathetic

when you're acting
like an idiot!

Much better.

I told you to go
to the dentist 50 times.

Once again,
my dentist died 6 years ago.

Just because
your dentist dies

doesn't mean
you're free from
ever going to one again.

Can't a guy take
some time to grieve?

Ok, let me bottom line this
for you, ok?

If you lose your teeth,
the beautiful thing
we have together?

It's over.

All right.
Deacon's got a guy.
I'll go to him.

Thank you.

♪[Piano plunking]

Excuse me.
Did that sound anything
like chariots of fire?

So, you work
with Deacon, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Great guy.

You know, I switched him
over to the tape floss
last time.

How's that workin' out
for him?

Uh, not sure.

He's--he's kind of
a private person.

Aah. What's that?
Whoa.

Once again,
this is just a little mirror.

Ok, but that pointy thing's
not coming back, is it?

Well, I could tell you no,
but I'd be lying.

Ok, just relax, Doug.

You're in good hands.

Hey, do you know
who was in this chair

not 2 hours ago?

Who?

Stephen Baldwin.

Who?

He's one of
the Baldwin brothers.

Which one?

Stephen.

Oh, yeah.

Ok, it looks like
you have very
advanced abscesses

in 2 of your pre-molars,

and substantial inflammation
in the surrounding area.

All right, well,
what I'm gettin' is
"lay off the sweets."

Got it.

Actually, I'm afraid
you're gonna need
a couple of root canals.

It's gonna take 4 sessions.

I'm gonna level
with you.

I'm devastated.

I know. It's no picnic,

but I will try to make it
as comfortable as possible.

All right. Thanks.

Now, we're going to have
to make an impression
of your mouth.

Oh, oh, I've got
a little treat for you.

Robin, bring in
Stephen Baldwin's mold
for Doug to look at.

Open wide.

All right, now,
bite down.

[Gagging]

Breathe through your nose.

Just breathe
through your nose.

Don't panic.

Doug?

I'm in the waiting room
when you're done,
honey, ok?

Dr. farber?

Carrie?
Well, hi!

Saw the name on the door,
but I didn't connect it.

Wait a minute,
is this your wife?

Come here, you!

Oh, hi!

Doug, Dr. farber
and his family

used to live up
the street from me
when I was a kid.

I used to baby-sit
for his son.
How's your family?

Oh, Mary and I split up
a while back.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no! Believe me,
it was for the best.

How's elliott?

Oh, he's in college now.

Uh, very interested in dance.

Oh, yeah.
That makes sense. Yeah.

Well, looks like
your practice
is going well, huh?

Hey, well, as long as
people let their teeth
go to hell like this guy,

I make a nice living.

Well, it's good
to see you again.

You, too! You, too.

I can't believe Dr. farber
is your dentist.

That is so funny.

Well, was he known
to be a good one?

'Cause he's about to drill
into my face.

Yes. Very good.

You know, when I was 16,
I had such a crush on him.

You know what I used to do
after I put his kid to bed?

I would put on
one of his shirts and
wear it around the house.

Smelled like
mennen speed stick.

Wow, I--I gotta
tell you, car',

I don't think I should
be getting dental work
from a man you used to stalk.

What?

Seriously. You know?

Uh, maybe I should
just take my time on this.

You know, lay low
for a couple of years.

I hear they're very close
to a root canal pill.

Ok, as far as b.S. Goes,
not your best work.
Ok, hon'?

Yeah. I felt it.

And that's how I learned
you should always use
extra strong rope

when lowering a piano
out a window.

So, any questions?

When do we play piano?

Play piano. Ha, ha, ha.

I think you're getting
a little ahead
of yourself there.

First we need
to be around the instrument

to absorb its essence

without ever
actually touching it.

My friend's teacher
let him play on the first day.

Yes. But could your
friend's teacher do this?

Hello.

[Impersonating bench]
Hello.

You all right?

[Impersonating bench]
It's all right.

Hey.

Greetings.

You guys done?
Uh, how was the lesson?

Fun.

Yeah? Great.

You know, uh, if you want
to make a little money,

one of our neighbors
wants to get lessons
for his kid, too.

Really? Well, send him over.

And, uh, while you're at it,

tell everyone you know.

You got it, my man.
Come on, kirb'.
Eh, what do you say?

Thank you.

[Impersonating bench]
It's all right.
[Laughing]

[Sighing]

Ok, I got
the temporary crown off.

You doin' ok there?
Uh-huh.

You know,
I still can't get over
you are married to Carrie.

That's unbelievable.

Yeah.
It's a little weird
for me at first, too.

You know,
my dentist being the guy

my wife had the hots for
when she was 16.

What?

Yeah. She was
just telling me

how she would
put on your shirt

just so she could
smell you all night.

Creepy.

That's funny.
I didn't think Carrie
even knew I was alive.

Guess I was just
too busy

trying to keep
my dead-end marriage afloat.

Yeah. Marriage can
be tough sometimes.

And then
there was my 2nd marriage.

Of course, I got tricked
into that one.

[Imitating wife]
I forgot to take my pill.

Yeah, right.

[Laughing]

Wow. If I'd just waited
a couple of extra years,

I could've ended up
with Carrie.

You could've, yeah.

Hmm. You're a lucky guy, Doug.

Lucky, lucky guy.

[Screaming]

(Doug)
I'm not going back
to that guy.

I am not listening
to this again.

He's a lunatic,
and he's hurting me
on purpose!

Why would he be
hurting you on purpose?

Because he's punishing me
for getting you.

What?
Yeah.

He--he--he told me back
when you used to baby-sit
for him,

that he had a crush
on you, too.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, what exactly
did he say?

I don't know.
Some stuff about
how you were great

and he wished
he would've waited
to marry you.

Shut up!

What else did he say?

I'm not sure.
I was a little distracted

by the smoke
coming out of my jaw.

Doug, listen to me.

I know going to the dentist
is scary,

but I promise you,

Dr. farber
is a professional.

He's not doing anything bad
to you on purpose.

Is, too.

Honey, it's a root canal.

It's an unpleasant procedure.

That's why
you hear people say,
"crap, I need a root canal,"

and not, "yippee!
I need a root canal."

But he's still hurting me.

I know,
but not on purpose.

I'll tell you one thing--

just in case seeing you
riles him all up,

I'm gonna have
someone else take me
there next Saturday.

Whatever help you, hon'.

Great. Now the novocaine
kicks in!

Hello, benchy.

Why did the boy
throw the clock
out the window?

[Impersonating bench]
I don't know why.

To see time fly.

[Children laughing]

[Laughing in bench's voice]

(Arthur)
Yes.

Are we ever
gonna play the piano?

We'll get to that, darling.

First we limber up.

But I really want
to play it now.

Ok, you're outta here.

What?

I got a waiting list
a mile long,

so take your
hello kitty bag
and hit the bricks.

[Sighing]

So, anyone else wanna
play the piano?

I didn't think so.

Ok, kids, now it's time
to stare at the piano

and imagine yourself
playing at carnegie hall.

I'll see you in 15 minutes.

Thanks for the lift.

Oh, sure. No problem.

Sorry about the smell
in my car.

Spaniel barf is really hard
to get out.

As opposed to other breeds?

Actually, yeah.

All right, Doug. Oh--

that's not Carrie.

No, no, no. She's, uh,

she's taking a class
on Saturdays.

It's a whole quilting,
sculpture thing.

May I ask you
a question?
Sure.

Where did you get
your one tough cop poster?

I--I love that movie.

Oh, actually,
I got it from the star.

Stephen Baldwin
is a patient of mine.

No!

Gosh, you know,
you never think,

he's gotta go
to the dentist
just like everyone else.

Look what he wrote.

"To one tough dentist,

all the best,
Stephen Baldwin."
Oh, that's so cool!

So are you my next patient?

Oh, no, no.
I just drove Doug.

Oh, what a shame.
With a smile like that,

it would be
a very easy appointment.

Thanks.

Hey, are you free
for lunch sometime?

Well, I'd have
to move some dogs around,
but sure.

Well, great.

Well, great.

[Both laughing]

Hey.
How was your appointment?

Delightful and pain-free.

You see?
I told you, big baby,

he wasn't trying to hurt you
on purpose.

No, no.
He was definitely
trying to hurt me

back when he was
obsessed with you.

But guess what, sister.

Dr. farber's got a love Jones
for somebody else.

And suddenly,
he doesn't feel the need

to diddle
my nerve endings.

What? Who-
who's this other person?

I'll give you a hint.

She's blonde, she's sweet,
and she smells like poodle.

Holly? Dr. farber has a thing
for holly?

Big thing.
Hello, yesterday's news.

Well, that just
proves my point,

that he wasn't trying
to hurt you on purpose,

because if he was,
there would be no way

that he would stop doing it
for somebody like holly.

She is so not his type.

[Growling]

(Dr. farber)
You want me to cry
like a baby and say I'm sorry?

I won't.

(Holly)
Why don't you act
like a man for once?

Why don't you
shut up for once?

All you do is drone on
and on, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Sorry I can't be more
like your precious Carrie.

Forgive me.

Why don't you
just go have another
6-pack, drunk?

Screw you!

All right, Doug.

Open up.

[Doug screaming]

So Kirby's been
taking piano lessons.

Hey, kirb',
come here.

Why don't you show
aunt Helen and everyone
what you've been learning?

Hello, benchy.

[Impersonating bench]
Hello, Kirby.

Heh, heh.

[Telephone ringing]

Arthur spooner piano academy.
"Let music fill your life."

How can I help you?

Let me check.

Lucky you,
we had a cancellation.

Saturdays at 2:00.
Cash only, please. Bye-bye.

[Knocking on door]

[Sighing]

[Clearing throat]

Play something on the piano.

What?
No, uh, play something.

Anything.

Oh, sure.

First I need to limber up.

This may take a while.
Now.

Fine.

If I cramp up,
it's on your head.

[Sighing]

♪[Plucking]

Is that it?

No, of course not.

♪[Plucking]

That's it.

I can't believe you, Arthur.

You took
all these kids' money,
and you taught them nothing.

Not true.
I taught them confidence.
I taught them self-respect.

You taught them
that the petals are there

because pianos used to be
a type of vehicle.

Weren't they?

It's over, Arthur.
I'm calling all the parents

and telling them
what's been goin' on.

Could you just leave me
the huang twins?

They're cash cows.

What's goin' on?
This isn't carvel.

No. It's the back entrance
to Dr. farber's office.

What?

[Automatic door lock clicking]

Doug, you've got
one session left.

You've gotta
finish this thing.

So Doug seems to have
gotten this crazy idea

that you've been
kinda hurting him
on purpose

because you have
a thing for me. Hah!

Doug, do you really
think that?

I was told
I wouldn't have to speak.

Wow. I--I--I don't know
what to say.

I'm a little stunned
by this,

but I--I guess
I--I have to admit

seeing you again
did bring up some feelings.

I know that sounds horrible.

No! No! I mean,
I--I know Doug told you
I had a crush on you.

Ha, I couldn't believe it.

Oh, I did. You know
what I used to do sometimes?

I used to go downstairs
in the basement,
behind the wet bar,

[both laughing]
And pretend we were
hosting a party together.

What, like a dinner party?
Ok, all right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look,
I-I'm a very emotional person.

And maybe subconsciously
I was taking out
some resentment on you.

That is completely
unacceptable,
and I'm so sorry.

And I assure you
it will not happen again.

Thank you.

Everything ok, Doug?
Any pain at all?
Uh-uh.

All right,
we're heading for home

so just hang in there
a couple more minutes.

[Intercom beeping]

Excuse me a second.

Hello.

Yeah. I'll take it.

Hey, how you doin'?

What?

Oh, wow. Uh--
all right, yeah.

Thanks for calling. Bye.

That was your friend Deacon.

Turns out this guy spooner,

who was giving
my daughter piano lessons,

was just a scam artist.
What a dirtbag.

Wait a minute. Spooner.

Carrie spooner.

[Knocking on door]

Oh. Hello, Mr. huang.

Hello, boys.

Play something.