subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E22 - Patrons Aint (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish Download

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:08,105 (Man on t.V.) Go on, draw. You ain't got nothin'. 2 00:00:08,173 --> 00:00:09,340 [Phone ringing on t.V.] 3 00:00:09,408 --> 00:00:11,276 [Sneezing] 4 00:00:14,229 --> 00:00:17,448 (Man on t.V.) Hey, hey, wait a minute. Where did you get that $300? 5 00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:24,405 Uh, hello? 6 00:00:26,291 --> 00:00:27,324 What? 7 00:00:27,392 --> 00:00:29,110 You gonna bless me or... 8 00:00:29,177 --> 00:00:31,813 Oh. I thought that was a cough. 9 00:00:31,830 --> 00:00:33,614 No. It was a sneeze. 10 00:00:34,649 --> 00:00:36,700 Couldn't tell. 11 00:00:36,768 --> 00:00:38,235 Well, a civilized person would ask 12 00:00:38,303 --> 00:00:39,470 was that a cough or a sneeze? 13 00:00:39,537 --> 00:00:41,021 Then if I tell you it's a sneeze, 14 00:00:41,089 --> 00:00:42,840 you'd come back with a nice "God bless you." 15 00:00:42,908 --> 00:00:44,175 Gotta be honest with you, Doug, 16 00:00:44,243 --> 00:00:46,360 that sounds like a lot of work. 17 00:00:47,179 --> 00:00:48,396 Oh, ok, it's a lot of work 18 00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:49,897 asking God 19 00:00:49,965 --> 00:00:52,116 to bless your husband. 20 00:00:53,351 --> 00:00:54,719 Shame on you. 21 00:00:56,204 --> 00:00:57,788 Ok, God bless you, 22 00:00:57,856 --> 00:00:59,240 God be with you, godspeed, 23 00:00:59,308 --> 00:01:01,859 and I'll even throw in a bonus gesundheit. 24 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:03,594 You happy now? 25 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,145 I don't think that was very sincere. 26 00:01:05,213 --> 00:01:06,714 Well, that's all you're gettin', bub. 27 00:01:06,782 --> 00:01:07,949 Fine. 28 00:01:08,751 --> 00:01:10,318 [Siren wailing on t.V.] 29 00:01:10,385 --> 00:01:11,435 [Burping] 30 00:01:15,123 --> 00:01:17,658 Oh, I got nothing to say. 31 00:01:17,726 --> 00:01:20,495 ♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪ 32 00:01:20,562 --> 00:01:23,331 ♪ my back is gettin' tight 33 00:01:23,398 --> 00:01:25,416 ♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪ 34 00:01:25,483 --> 00:01:28,469 ♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪ 35 00:01:28,536 --> 00:01:33,908 ♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪ 36 00:01:33,975 --> 00:01:37,812 ♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪ 37 00:01:39,264 --> 00:01:41,198 ♪ 'cause, baby, all my life 38 00:01:41,266 --> 00:01:43,968 ♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪ 39 00:01:56,313 --> 00:01:58,447 What are you doing? 40 00:01:58,515 --> 00:02:00,282 Circuit training. 41 00:02:01,985 --> 00:02:05,521 Right now, I'm in between sets. 42 00:02:05,589 --> 00:02:07,990 Doug, the accountant's gonna be here in, like, 20 minutes. 43 00:02:08,058 --> 00:02:10,159 You're supposed to be getting all your papers together. 44 00:02:10,227 --> 00:02:11,861 Where's your w-2, all your receipts? 45 00:02:11,928 --> 00:02:13,412 Easy, mama. 46 00:02:14,748 --> 00:02:15,932 They're just pieces of paper. 47 00:02:16,033 --> 00:02:17,133 It'll take me 2 seconds. 48 00:02:17,201 --> 00:02:18,518 Yeah, do you know where they are? 49 00:02:18,585 --> 00:02:19,569 Me? No. 50 00:02:19,636 --> 00:02:21,571 Ok. Well, go find them. 51 00:02:21,638 --> 00:02:22,839 Come on. Let's go. Let's go. 52 00:02:22,906 --> 00:02:24,106 [Knock on door] 53 00:02:24,775 --> 00:02:25,808 [Sighing] 54 00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:29,812 Hey! 55 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,146 Hey, Kirby. 56 00:02:34,317 --> 00:02:37,286 Is something supposed to be happening here? 57 00:02:37,304 --> 00:02:38,755 Kirby, don't you have something 58 00:02:38,806 --> 00:02:39,872 you want to say to Doug? 59 00:02:39,940 --> 00:02:42,708 Hi. My name is Kirby Palmer, 60 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,777 and I'm a student at the Robert hoover school. 61 00:02:44,845 --> 00:02:46,178 Well, hello! 62 00:02:46,246 --> 00:02:47,346 Dad! 63 00:02:47,414 --> 00:02:49,665 You're not supposed to interrupt him. 64 00:02:50,550 --> 00:02:51,868 I didn't know there was more. 65 00:02:51,936 --> 00:02:52,985 It's ok. It's--it's ok. 66 00:02:53,053 --> 00:02:54,020 Can I start over? 67 00:02:54,155 --> 00:02:55,254 Sure, buddy! 68 00:02:55,322 --> 00:02:56,288 Hi. 69 00:02:56,356 --> 00:02:58,191 My name is Kirby Palmer, 70 00:02:58,258 --> 00:03:01,244 and I'm a student at the Robert hoover school. 71 00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,513 We are selling candy bars 72 00:03:03,581 --> 00:03:06,065 to raise money to-- 73 00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:07,433 to-- 74 00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:09,184 to renovate the school library. 75 00:03:09,252 --> 00:03:10,436 Can I start over? 76 00:03:10,438 --> 00:03:11,488 Actually, you know what? 77 00:03:11,555 --> 00:03:12,722 I--I like what I heard, 78 00:03:12,790 --> 00:03:13,990 especially that part about candy. 79 00:03:14,057 --> 00:03:15,024 I'll take it. 80 00:03:15,092 --> 00:03:16,125 Ok, that's $5. 81 00:03:16,193 --> 00:03:17,761 Here, you can read up on the library. 82 00:03:17,828 --> 00:03:19,696 I'm sure you'll get right on that. 83 00:03:21,999 --> 00:03:23,767 Wow! 84 00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:26,135 I'm the mayor of chocolate town! 85 00:03:27,204 --> 00:03:28,671 Let's all sign the declaration 86 00:03:28,739 --> 00:03:30,723 of chocola-pendence! 87 00:03:31,425 --> 00:03:32,575 Uh, are you done? 88 00:03:32,643 --> 00:03:35,228 'Cause we got a lot of houses to hit. 89 00:03:35,296 --> 00:03:36,863 Yeah, I'm done. 90 00:03:36,930 --> 00:03:38,347 All right, cool. Say thanks, Kirby. All right. Later! 91 00:03:38,415 --> 00:03:39,515 (Kirby) Thank you. 92 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:40,716 All right. 93 00:03:41,952 --> 00:03:42,952 Who was that? 94 00:03:43,019 --> 00:03:44,286 Was that the accountant? 95 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:45,988 Did you send him away? 96 00:03:46,056 --> 00:03:48,958 What are you, in love with this guy? 97 00:03:49,025 --> 00:03:50,460 It was Kirby and Deacon. 98 00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:52,261 I bought a candy bar for his school. 99 00:03:52,329 --> 00:03:53,763 Oh. Boy, that looks good. 100 00:03:53,831 --> 00:03:54,931 Break me off a piece? 101 00:03:54,998 --> 00:03:57,033 What? Break me off a piece. 102 00:03:58,018 --> 00:03:59,551 [Sighing] 103 00:04:00,788 --> 00:04:03,789 Wow, you'd think I asked you for a kidney. 104 00:04:03,857 --> 00:04:05,224 See, people think 105 00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,393 just because it's pre-divided into little squares, 106 00:04:07,461 --> 00:04:09,795 that it's meant to be shared. 107 00:04:09,863 --> 00:04:12,548 Suddenly, it belongs to the community. 108 00:04:12,616 --> 00:04:14,117 Yeah, it's an outrage. 109 00:04:17,354 --> 00:04:18,738 So I figure it's best for you 110 00:04:18,806 --> 00:04:20,740 to make the maximum 401-k contribution. 111 00:04:20,808 --> 00:04:21,974 You'll take home less now, 112 00:04:22,042 --> 00:04:23,576 but in the end, you make more. 113 00:04:23,643 --> 00:04:25,745 Oh, uh, Carrie, I'm gonna need your w-2 from last year. 114 00:04:25,813 --> 00:04:26,879 Oh, yeah. Right here. 115 00:04:26,947 --> 00:04:28,280 Would you like some more coffee? 116 00:04:28,348 --> 00:04:30,216 Oh, no, thanks, but, uh, 117 00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,118 I have been eyeing that chocolate. 118 00:04:36,473 --> 00:04:38,391 Mind if I snag a piece? 119 00:04:39,176 --> 00:04:40,560 No problem. 120 00:04:45,065 --> 00:04:46,566 Thanks. 121 00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,500 Ok, moving on, 122 00:04:48,569 --> 00:04:50,687 oh, do you have a list of the charitable donations 123 00:04:50,754 --> 00:04:52,789 you made for the year? 124 00:04:52,856 --> 00:04:55,792 Well, we don't keep a list per se, 125 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,544 um, but I know 126 00:04:58,612 --> 00:05:01,880 we definitely--definitely gave to charity. 127 00:05:01,948 --> 00:05:04,484 Oh, ok. Definitely. 128 00:05:04,551 --> 00:05:06,119 I just-- I--I just gotta, um, 129 00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:08,187 I just gotta think for a second. 130 00:05:10,723 --> 00:05:12,058 Charity... 131 00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:14,310 Charity... 132 00:05:18,615 --> 00:05:21,066 Do-nay-shee-un. 133 00:05:26,106 --> 00:05:27,140 Oh, wait! 134 00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:28,374 Wait a second. 135 00:05:28,441 --> 00:05:31,477 We gave, uh, $15 to--to the animal shelter. 136 00:05:31,545 --> 00:05:33,696 And, oh, $20 to that rainforest fund. 137 00:05:33,764 --> 00:05:35,831 You remember, there was that booth at the supermarket? 138 00:05:35,899 --> 00:05:38,935 Yeah, uh, we got a certificate signed by sting. 139 00:05:39,937 --> 00:05:41,104 Is that it? 140 00:05:42,222 --> 00:05:44,807 We also gave money to h.B.O. 141 00:05:46,343 --> 00:05:48,494 Honey? It's not charity. 142 00:05:48,562 --> 00:05:50,029 It's paying your bill. 143 00:05:51,548 --> 00:05:52,931 Excuse me, 144 00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:54,584 they do a lot of educational documentaries. 145 00:05:54,651 --> 00:05:56,418 Like, last week, I learned that 2 dwarfs 146 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:57,837 can have a regular-sized kid. 147 00:05:57,904 --> 00:05:59,539 It was fascinating. 148 00:06:03,443 --> 00:06:04,977 So, with the shelter, 149 00:06:05,045 --> 00:06:06,345 and the sting thing, 150 00:06:06,413 --> 00:06:08,080 your total for the year is 151 00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:09,649 $35. 152 00:06:10,784 --> 00:06:12,051 Wow. 153 00:06:12,119 --> 00:06:15,304 You guys really knocked yourselves out there, huh? 154 00:06:21,545 --> 00:06:23,412 What an attitude on that jerk! 155 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,181 I mean, who is he to judge us? 156 00:06:25,249 --> 00:06:27,049 He takes chocolate he wasn't even offered, 157 00:06:27,117 --> 00:06:28,985 but we're the bad guys. 158 00:06:29,052 --> 00:06:30,153 I don't think so. 159 00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:31,587 Yeah, and it's not like 160 00:06:31,655 --> 00:06:33,189 you have to give charity to be charitable! 161 00:06:33,257 --> 00:06:34,590 I mean, it's the way you say hi. 162 00:06:34,658 --> 00:06:36,959 It's the way you smile at people. Yeah! 163 00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:39,896 Although you don't smile at people a whole lot. 164 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,481 Stop! Neither do you. 165 00:06:41,548 --> 00:06:42,615 I--I--I smile constantly. 166 00:06:42,682 --> 00:06:44,450 People think I'm a lunatic half the time! 167 00:06:44,518 --> 00:06:46,519 All right, you know what? That's not the point. 168 00:06:46,586 --> 00:06:48,321 The point is, we did give to charity, ok? 169 00:06:48,389 --> 00:06:49,755 We gave $35! 170 00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:51,024 $35 is good money! 171 00:06:51,091 --> 00:06:52,492 Absolutely! 172 00:06:53,327 --> 00:06:54,460 Ugh. 173 00:06:54,528 --> 00:06:56,262 No, it's not. 174 00:06:56,330 --> 00:06:58,964 We are horrible and selfish people. 175 00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:00,366 I mean, look at us. 176 00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:02,268 We got a house, we got food on the table, 177 00:07:02,336 --> 00:07:03,403 a car, and what do we do? 178 00:07:03,470 --> 00:07:05,438 We keep it all for ourselves. 179 00:07:05,506 --> 00:07:06,572 All of it! 180 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,973 We're bad. 181 00:07:08,642 --> 00:07:09,675 We're damned. 182 00:07:09,743 --> 00:07:11,244 We're going straight to hell. 183 00:07:11,311 --> 00:07:12,494 You know what? Let's not panic. 184 00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,196 We can still buy our way out of this. 185 00:07:14,264 --> 00:07:15,998 All right, now, come on-- come on, honey. 186 00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:17,266 Who--who do we care about? 187 00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:19,535 Who's poor? Who's needy? 188 00:07:19,602 --> 00:07:21,353 Hey, we could buy, like, 1,000 candy bars 189 00:07:21,421 --> 00:07:22,588 for Kirby's school library. 190 00:07:22,655 --> 00:07:24,090 A school library. 191 00:07:24,157 --> 00:07:25,991 That's perfect! 192 00:07:26,059 --> 00:07:27,659 Yeah! From now on, anybody who comes over to our house 193 00:07:27,727 --> 00:07:28,961 will get a free chocolate bar. 194 00:07:29,028 --> 00:07:30,196 That will be our thing! 195 00:07:31,398 --> 00:07:32,548 No, you doof. 196 00:07:32,616 --> 00:07:35,551 I'm talkin' about making a real donation here! 197 00:07:35,619 --> 00:07:36,853 "Opening up young minds... 198 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,287 Children are our future..." 199 00:07:38,355 --> 00:07:40,422 This is a home run, hon'! 200 00:07:40,491 --> 00:07:43,693 We love children! We love reading! 201 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,528 Actually, we don't love reading. 202 00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,965 No, but we do think it's a good alternative to drugs. 203 00:07:49,032 --> 00:07:50,349 Yes! 204 00:07:50,417 --> 00:07:51,584 Ok. 205 00:07:51,652 --> 00:07:54,320 Ok, so, this is our pet cause, 206 00:07:54,388 --> 00:07:57,757 the--the Robert hoover school's new library. 207 00:07:57,824 --> 00:07:58,808 Congratulations. 208 00:07:58,875 --> 00:08:00,359 And to you, sir! 209 00:08:00,426 --> 00:08:02,895 So, how much should we give? 210 00:08:02,963 --> 00:08:04,329 $250? 211 00:08:04,397 --> 00:08:07,750 We couldn't be better people if we tried! 212 00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:10,836 Unless we bump it up to $500. 213 00:08:10,903 --> 00:08:12,988 Look out! Now we're better people! 214 00:08:14,191 --> 00:08:15,425 Actually, wait a minute. 215 00:08:15,492 --> 00:08:18,060 Can we really afford to give $500? 216 00:08:18,128 --> 00:08:20,012 Can we afford not to? 217 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,047 All right. 218 00:08:22,115 --> 00:08:25,034 500 big ones! 219 00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:26,535 Ok, look, it says here 220 00:08:26,603 --> 00:08:29,171 that that puts us in the "patrons' circle." 221 00:08:29,239 --> 00:08:32,141 Wow, we rocketed past "friends and angels." 222 00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:34,026 So long, losers! 223 00:08:35,996 --> 00:08:38,530 "Patrons" sounds fancy. Yeah. 224 00:08:38,598 --> 00:08:40,333 I'm patron Doug. 225 00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,520 Just like in colonial times. 226 00:08:44,588 --> 00:08:46,238 W-what are you talkin' about? 227 00:08:47,591 --> 00:08:48,891 I don't know, but why do you 228 00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:50,843 gotta call me out on everything? 229 00:08:58,151 --> 00:08:59,818 How great is this? 230 00:08:59,886 --> 00:09:02,120 An elementary school library dedication. 231 00:09:02,189 --> 00:09:04,423 This is as good as it gets. 232 00:09:04,491 --> 00:09:07,626 We are out of hell with a bullet. 233 00:09:09,362 --> 00:09:11,197 Hey, guys, thanks again for comin' tonight. 234 00:09:11,264 --> 00:09:13,031 I wanted to introduce you to Nana Louise. 235 00:09:13,099 --> 00:09:15,601 She runs the place, she wanted to thank you for your donation. 236 00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:16,635 Hi. Oh, hi. 237 00:09:16,703 --> 00:09:17,869 I can't tell you 238 00:09:17,937 --> 00:09:20,772 how much we appreciate your generosity. 239 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:21,907 Oh, well, 240 00:09:21,974 --> 00:09:25,377 if we can help one child read one book, 241 00:09:25,445 --> 00:09:27,813 then we've done our job. 242 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,881 Oh, absolutely. 243 00:09:29,949 --> 00:09:32,318 You know, I always say that reading is 244 00:09:32,385 --> 00:09:33,902 fundamental. 245 00:09:35,221 --> 00:09:36,321 Nana Louise, 246 00:09:36,389 --> 00:09:37,723 can you read me this book? 247 00:09:37,791 --> 00:09:39,192 Oh, yes, of course. 248 00:09:39,259 --> 00:09:41,327 In just a few minutes, David. 249 00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:42,595 I'm Kenny. 250 00:09:43,647 --> 00:09:46,716 There's so many of them. 251 00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:48,084 Excuse me a moment. 252 00:09:48,151 --> 00:09:49,852 Sure. 253 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,321 Attention, everyone. 254 00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:55,491 If you could come toward me, please. 255 00:09:55,558 --> 00:09:58,494 We want to thank our wonderful donors 256 00:09:58,561 --> 00:10:00,796 for their generosity. 257 00:10:00,864 --> 00:10:03,598 Give yourselves a great, big hand! 258 00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:05,935 [All clapping] 259 00:10:09,472 --> 00:10:12,558 And as our way of saying thank you, 260 00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:16,812 may I present our commemorative wall of donors. 261 00:10:21,819 --> 00:10:23,168 Ooh. 262 00:10:23,236 --> 00:10:25,003 Nana Louise got back. 263 00:10:25,072 --> 00:10:26,272 Stop it! 264 00:10:34,114 --> 00:10:36,115 [All applauding] 265 00:10:38,985 --> 00:10:40,503 Enjoy the rest of the evening. 266 00:10:45,057 --> 00:10:46,958 Honey, our names are on a wall! 267 00:10:47,026 --> 00:10:48,694 How exciting is this! 268 00:10:48,762 --> 00:10:49,961 Patrons, patrons. 269 00:10:50,029 --> 00:10:51,397 This is great! 270 00:11:02,525 --> 00:11:03,892 Here we are. 271 00:11:04,761 --> 00:11:06,261 In "friends." 272 00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:08,347 Friends? 273 00:11:08,415 --> 00:11:09,732 Isn't that the $50 category? 274 00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:11,033 Yeah! 275 00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:12,535 Are you sure you gave $500? 276 00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:13,869 Yeah, I'm positive, Doug. 277 00:11:13,937 --> 00:11:16,038 I already got the canceled check back from the bank. 278 00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:18,374 The school must have made a mistake! 279 00:11:18,442 --> 00:11:19,709 Huh. 280 00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:21,444 Huh. 281 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,596 Well, I mean, 282 00:11:24,665 --> 00:11:25,847 it doesn't matter, right? 283 00:11:25,915 --> 00:11:28,084 We--we didn't do it for the credit. 284 00:11:28,151 --> 00:11:29,651 We did it for the kids. 285 00:11:30,787 --> 00:11:31,971 Right. 286 00:11:32,038 --> 00:11:33,155 The kids. 287 00:11:33,223 --> 00:11:34,390 It's not like we can say, 288 00:11:34,457 --> 00:11:37,126 hey, we were supposed to be patrons, you know? 289 00:11:37,194 --> 00:11:38,560 That wouldn't be very charitable. 290 00:11:38,628 --> 00:11:39,862 No, it would not. 291 00:11:39,930 --> 00:11:41,130 [Chuckling] No! 292 00:11:41,198 --> 00:11:42,664 [Both chuckling] 293 00:11:46,402 --> 00:11:47,886 Crap! 294 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,845 Hey, it doesn't matter what it says on that donor wall. 295 00:11:57,913 --> 00:11:59,280 We know we're patrons. 296 00:11:59,347 --> 00:12:00,932 We're patrons where it counts: 297 00:12:00,999 --> 00:12:03,317 On the inside. 298 00:12:03,385 --> 00:12:05,303 Yeah, but everybody who reads that wall 299 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:07,838 will think we're just friends. 300 00:12:07,906 --> 00:12:09,156 Yeah, but if you think about it, 301 00:12:09,224 --> 00:12:10,958 friends may actually be better, right? 302 00:12:11,026 --> 00:12:12,693 I mean, they write songs about friends. 303 00:12:12,761 --> 00:12:14,495 You don't hear anything about "gettin' by 304 00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:16,663 with a little help from my patrons." 305 00:12:16,731 --> 00:12:18,015 I'll tell you something, Doug. 306 00:12:18,083 --> 00:12:20,117 I think we should tell Nana Louise 307 00:12:20,185 --> 00:12:21,352 that there's been a mistake. 308 00:12:21,419 --> 00:12:22,786 What? No--no, we can't! 309 00:12:22,855 --> 00:12:24,555 Why not? 'Cause we'll look like jerks! 310 00:12:24,622 --> 00:12:26,490 Yeah, but now we look like cheapos. 311 00:12:26,558 --> 00:12:28,876 Listen to me, if we say anything, 312 00:12:28,943 --> 00:12:31,479 we'll be undoing all the charity we did in the first place, 313 00:12:31,547 --> 00:12:33,798 and then we're back on the fast track to hell! 314 00:12:33,866 --> 00:12:35,333 All right, cool your jets 315 00:12:35,401 --> 00:12:36,867 with the hell talk, Johnny. 316 00:12:36,935 --> 00:12:40,371 Excuse me for caring about our eternal souls. 317 00:12:40,438 --> 00:12:41,539 Wait a minute. 318 00:12:41,606 --> 00:12:42,940 Are you-- are you serious? 319 00:12:43,008 --> 00:12:44,608 Do you-- do you literally think 320 00:12:44,677 --> 00:12:46,711 we'll go to a place called hell 321 00:12:46,779 --> 00:12:49,047 for telling Nana Louise about this? 322 00:12:49,181 --> 00:12:50,415 Not a place called hell. 323 00:12:50,482 --> 00:12:52,333 Hell! 324 00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,151 Oh, ok, so tell wh-wh-wh- 325 00:12:54,219 --> 00:12:56,020 what are you picturing here, Doug? 326 00:12:56,088 --> 00:12:57,421 Are you picturing the--the devil 327 00:12:57,489 --> 00:12:59,156 in red tights with a pitchfork? 328 00:12:59,224 --> 00:13:00,308 Th-those aren't tights. 329 00:13:00,376 --> 00:13:02,343 That's his skin. 330 00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:04,862 Ok, you know what, Doug? I do not appreciate 331 00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:06,664 you making me feel like a bad person 332 00:13:06,732 --> 00:13:08,299 just because I wanna tell Nana Louise 333 00:13:08,366 --> 00:13:09,667 that there's been a mistake. 334 00:13:09,735 --> 00:13:11,969 Doesn't matter, 'cause you're not sayin' anything anyway. 335 00:13:12,037 --> 00:13:13,337 Uh, you know what? I think I am. 336 00:13:13,405 --> 00:13:15,173 You can't! I can. 337 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,924 I'm gonna tell her at the read along what happened. 338 00:13:16,992 --> 00:13:19,310 Anybody would agree that's totally appropriate. 339 00:13:19,378 --> 00:13:21,145 Ok, then obviously, we disagree here. 340 00:13:21,213 --> 00:13:22,613 You--you know what we need to do? 341 00:13:22,681 --> 00:13:24,182 We need to find a neutral 3rd party. 342 00:13:24,249 --> 00:13:25,616 Ok, fine. Who? 343 00:13:25,684 --> 00:13:26,584 My mom. 344 00:13:26,652 --> 00:13:27,785 Oh, yeah. 345 00:13:27,853 --> 00:13:29,587 'Cause your mom won't take your side at all. 346 00:13:29,655 --> 00:13:31,339 All right, fine. Who do you wanna ask? 347 00:13:31,406 --> 00:13:32,323 [Sighing] 348 00:13:32,391 --> 00:13:33,925 Sooji, my nail lady. 349 00:13:33,992 --> 00:13:36,727 Soo who, your what? 350 00:13:36,795 --> 00:13:38,195 Sooji, my nail lady. 351 00:13:38,263 --> 00:13:39,697 What? She's very moral. 352 00:13:39,765 --> 00:13:41,732 I ain't going to sooji, your nail lady, 353 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,301 with my hell questions, ok? 354 00:13:44,369 --> 00:13:45,702 Well, then that's your problem. 355 00:13:45,771 --> 00:13:47,037 I wish we could just ask God, 356 00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:48,339 'cause I know he'd side with me. 357 00:13:48,407 --> 00:13:49,773 Well, we can't ask God, 358 00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:51,892 so where does that leave us? 359 00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:57,081 So, what do you think we should do? 360 00:13:57,148 --> 00:13:59,817 Well, Doug, Carrie, 361 00:14:00,969 --> 00:14:03,554 what do you think you should do? 362 00:14:04,957 --> 00:14:06,507 Well, I think we'd kinda like to know 363 00:14:06,574 --> 00:14:08,309 what you think. 364 00:14:08,377 --> 00:14:11,495 Well, what do you think I think? 365 00:14:11,563 --> 00:14:13,798 Ok, let's just cut to the chase here. 366 00:14:13,866 --> 00:14:15,833 Uh, do you think it's morally wrong 367 00:14:15,901 --> 00:14:18,269 for Doug and I to tell Nana Louise 368 00:14:18,337 --> 00:14:20,504 that we were supposed to be in the patrons' circle? 369 00:14:20,572 --> 00:14:23,091 Well, "morally wrong" is a strong term. 370 00:14:23,158 --> 00:14:25,759 Yeah, but it certainly isn't morally right, right? Hmm? 371 00:14:25,827 --> 00:14:26,961 In a perfect world, 372 00:14:27,029 --> 00:14:28,812 charity should be its own reward-- 373 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,647 ok, ok, ok, ok. Imagine this. 374 00:14:30,715 --> 00:14:32,350 Imagine 375 00:14:32,484 --> 00:14:35,336 if there were priest of the year awards. 376 00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:36,920 Ok? We'll call them 377 00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:38,472 the priesties. 378 00:14:40,942 --> 00:14:43,995 And you knew you got most of the votes, 379 00:14:44,062 --> 00:14:45,229 but for some reason, 380 00:14:45,297 --> 00:14:49,000 father o'Henry was named the winner, ok? 381 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:52,003 Ok, now, obviously you should be a priest 382 00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:54,038 for the sake of being a priest, 383 00:14:54,106 --> 00:14:55,273 but is there-- 384 00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,624 is there really anything wrong 385 00:14:56,675 --> 00:14:58,826 in wanting a little recognition? 386 00:14:58,894 --> 00:15:01,962 A little "what-what" from your peers? 387 00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:04,148 Well, it's human nature 388 00:15:04,216 --> 00:15:05,950 to wanna be praised for a job well-done-- 389 00:15:06,051 --> 00:15:07,718 there you go. Then you see our problem. 390 00:15:07,785 --> 00:15:10,237 Well, Carrie, Doug, 391 00:15:10,305 --> 00:15:12,073 this is your dilemma, 392 00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:14,842 and only you can find the answer. 393 00:15:14,909 --> 00:15:18,830 But if you want my advice, 394 00:15:18,897 --> 00:15:21,348 it may be best to let the matter drop. 395 00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:23,684 Really? 396 00:15:24,686 --> 00:15:26,620 Hmm. 397 00:15:26,688 --> 00:15:29,507 Man of the cloth thinks we should drop it. 398 00:15:30,708 --> 00:15:31,976 Fine. 399 00:15:34,562 --> 00:15:35,797 Hey, anybody wanna hear me read 400 00:15:35,864 --> 00:15:37,231 horton hears a who? 401 00:15:37,299 --> 00:15:38,800 (All) Yeah! 402 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,001 Whoa, whoa, ok. Wow. 403 00:15:40,068 --> 00:15:41,302 Wasn't expecting that. 404 00:15:41,369 --> 00:15:43,805 Chill out. It's just a book, not t.V. 405 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,092 ♪[Kirby singing] 406 00:15:48,159 --> 00:15:49,293 Hey, hey, Kirby. 407 00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:51,395 Come here, come here, come here, come here. 408 00:15:51,463 --> 00:15:52,930 Can I show you somethin'? 409 00:15:52,997 --> 00:15:54,031 What? 410 00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:55,600 Well, 411 00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:58,302 Doug and I donated enough money to your school 412 00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:01,972 to be way up here, 413 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,726 but, instead, our names are way down here. 414 00:16:07,078 --> 00:16:10,014 Do you think that's fair? 415 00:16:10,082 --> 00:16:13,717 How'd you like to do your aunt Carrie a favor? 416 00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:15,670 "'Should I put this speck down?' 417 00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:17,772 "horton thought with alarm. 418 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,707 "'If I do, these small persons 419 00:16:19,774 --> 00:16:21,792 "'may come to great harm. 420 00:16:21,859 --> 00:16:22,994 "'I can't put it down, 421 00:16:23,061 --> 00:16:24,862 "'and I won't! After all, 422 00:16:24,930 --> 00:16:26,780 "'a person's a person, 423 00:16:26,848 --> 00:16:28,649 no matter how small.'" 424 00:16:30,535 --> 00:16:31,635 or how big. 425 00:16:39,861 --> 00:16:42,212 So, you're just gonna tell Nana Louise 426 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,682 that Doug and I were supposed to be... 427 00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:48,069 S-starts with a "p." 428 00:16:49,404 --> 00:16:50,687 Pa- 429 00:16:52,273 --> 00:16:53,440 patrons, Kirby. 430 00:16:53,509 --> 00:16:54,976 Patrons. 431 00:16:54,993 --> 00:16:56,560 Ok, maybe we should go over this again. Ok. 432 00:16:56,627 --> 00:16:57,995 I have to go to the bathroom. 433 00:16:58,063 --> 00:16:59,529 All right, well, you're a big boy, 434 00:16:59,597 --> 00:17:01,198 you can hold it, right? 435 00:17:01,383 --> 00:17:02,433 It hurts. 436 00:17:02,501 --> 00:17:04,201 Yeah, all right. I need you to focus, honey. 437 00:17:04,269 --> 00:17:05,769 No, no! Kir-Kirby! 438 00:17:05,837 --> 00:17:07,605 Hey, uh, what's goin' on? 439 00:17:07,672 --> 00:17:08,839 Oh, well, um, 440 00:17:08,906 --> 00:17:11,559 Kirby noticed that we were listed as friends 441 00:17:11,626 --> 00:17:12,893 instead of patrons on the wall, 442 00:17:12,961 --> 00:17:14,327 and he was pretty upset. 443 00:17:14,395 --> 00:17:16,830 He wanted to talk to Nana Louise. 444 00:17:16,898 --> 00:17:18,098 Have you guys read this? 445 00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,466 It's very good. 446 00:17:20,635 --> 00:17:21,835 Why would Kirby care 447 00:17:21,903 --> 00:17:23,270 where you're listed on the wall? 448 00:17:23,337 --> 00:17:24,321 What? 449 00:17:24,489 --> 00:17:26,290 What is wrong with you? 450 00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:27,575 It's perfect! 451 00:17:27,642 --> 00:17:28,759 What's more innocent 452 00:17:28,827 --> 00:17:30,361 than having it come from a child? 453 00:17:30,429 --> 00:17:32,245 All right, you know, this is-- this is it. 454 00:17:32,313 --> 00:17:33,948 This is where I get off, girlfriend. 455 00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:35,433 What does that mean? 456 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,368 That means you're free to marry your true love: 457 00:17:37,435 --> 00:17:38,636 Satan! 458 00:17:39,437 --> 00:17:40,771 He said Santa. 459 00:17:40,838 --> 00:17:43,207 Ok, am I gonna have to have 2 two removed 460 00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:44,508 from an elementary school? 461 00:17:44,676 --> 00:17:46,677 Ok, but it's not my fault, it's her fault. She's sick! 462 00:17:46,744 --> 00:17:48,078 No, no, no, I'm not sick, honey. 463 00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:50,047 I--I--I realized something about myself, ok? 464 00:17:50,115 --> 00:17:51,248 I'm not a bad person. 465 00:17:51,316 --> 00:17:52,549 I'm just very petty. 466 00:17:52,617 --> 00:17:54,651 I want to do good things for people, 467 00:17:54,719 --> 00:17:56,954 I just want them to know that I'm doing them. 468 00:17:57,022 --> 00:17:58,439 And that's sick! 469 00:17:58,506 --> 00:18:00,274 Is there a problem? 470 00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:05,279 Actually, Nana Louise, there is. 471 00:18:05,346 --> 00:18:07,348 So I guess the zero got dropped 472 00:18:07,416 --> 00:18:09,383 somewhere along the way. 473 00:18:09,385 --> 00:18:10,434 Oh! 474 00:18:10,502 --> 00:18:12,653 I feel terrible. 475 00:18:12,721 --> 00:18:14,188 Well, it didn't bother us. 476 00:18:14,255 --> 00:18:16,457 It's just that if people were to see that we were patrons, 477 00:18:16,524 --> 00:18:18,559 it might inspire them to give more. 478 00:18:18,627 --> 00:18:21,161 It's for the kids, really. 479 00:18:23,682 --> 00:18:26,266 Again, I'm so sorry. 480 00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:28,202 We'll have to make it up to you. 481 00:18:28,269 --> 00:18:29,670 Well, um, you know, 482 00:18:29,738 --> 00:18:31,371 I should get back out there. 483 00:18:31,439 --> 00:18:34,324 I promised little Timmy I'd read him Charlotte's web. 484 00:18:34,392 --> 00:18:35,559 There is no little Timmy. 485 00:18:35,626 --> 00:18:36,960 You're the queen of darkness. 486 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,195 Shut up. 487 00:18:39,982 --> 00:18:43,667 All right, an extra zero would make that 488 00:18:43,735 --> 00:18:44,819 [gasping] 489 00:18:44,886 --> 00:18:47,538 $5,000. 490 00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:49,289 Oh, my! 491 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,962 What the... 492 00:18:56,547 --> 00:18:58,865 They named the library after us? 493 00:19:00,918 --> 00:19:02,302 Really? 494 00:19:03,538 --> 00:19:04,639 Yeah. 495 00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:06,573 Look, I don't really have all the details, 496 00:19:06,642 --> 00:19:08,042 but I've got a gut feeling 497 00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:10,795 that wasn't supposed to happen. 498 00:19:10,862 --> 00:19:11,995 You know what? It probably-- 499 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,397 ah! 500 00:19:13,431 --> 00:19:14,731 Please. 501 00:19:14,799 --> 00:19:16,183 Understand something? 502 00:19:16,251 --> 00:19:18,485 I only stopped by that day as a courtesy 503 00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:20,503 because I know Doug likes candy. 504 00:19:20,571 --> 00:19:21,789 I didn't realize the evil 505 00:19:21,857 --> 00:19:24,041 I would be unleashing. 506 00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:25,659 So, if you don't see me and my son 507 00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:27,044 come around for a while, 508 00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:28,762 I think you'll know why. 509 00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:30,531 Good-bye. 510 00:19:30,598 --> 00:19:31,932 And good day. 511 00:19:34,569 --> 00:19:37,037 Nana Louise must have screwed up again. 512 00:19:37,104 --> 00:19:39,807 We're gonna have to go down there and straighten it out. 513 00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,108 Do we? 514 00:19:42,627 --> 00:19:43,560 What? 515 00:19:43,628 --> 00:19:44,778 What? 516 00:19:44,846 --> 00:19:47,381 I've always wanted a library. 517 00:19:47,448 --> 00:19:49,316 You've always wanted a library? 518 00:19:49,384 --> 00:19:51,051 Ok, I've always wanted a Jaguar, 519 00:19:51,119 --> 00:19:52,353 but I'm never gonna get that, 520 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:53,988 so let me have this! 521 00:19:54,055 --> 00:19:55,439 Carrie, if we don't fix this, 522 00:19:55,507 --> 00:19:56,974 we're definitely goin' to hell! 523 00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,675 No, we're going to heaven! 524 00:19:58,743 --> 00:20:01,511 We donated a freakin' library! 525 00:20:02,230 --> 00:20:03,597 But we didn't! 526 00:20:03,665 --> 00:20:05,216 God knows that! 527 00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:07,718 God will see the big sign 528 00:20:07,785 --> 00:20:08,986 with our names on it, 529 00:20:09,053 --> 00:20:10,187 and move on to other stuff. 530 00:20:10,255 --> 00:20:12,789 He doesn't check into those things. 531 00:20:12,857 --> 00:20:14,725 Carrie, sweetheart, listen to me. 532 00:20:14,792 --> 00:20:16,093 [Sighing] 533 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,629 The library doesn't belong to us. 534 00:20:19,697 --> 00:20:21,449 We gotta give it back. 535 00:20:23,018 --> 00:20:25,168 [Exclaiming] 536 00:20:26,354 --> 00:20:27,755 Tsk. 537 00:20:27,822 --> 00:20:29,056 Fine! 538 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:33,293 I'm confused. 539 00:20:33,911 --> 00:20:34,995 No, see--see, 540 00:20:35,063 --> 00:20:36,630 we--we gave $500. 541 00:20:36,698 --> 00:20:38,916 You just added an extra zero, that's all. 542 00:20:38,983 --> 00:20:41,418 Look, if it's easier for you to keep the sign up, 543 00:20:41,485 --> 00:20:42,652 we're--we're ok with that. 544 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:43,971 Carrie. 545 00:20:45,540 --> 00:20:46,740 Oh, boy. 546 00:20:46,808 --> 00:20:50,861 I seem to make so many silly mistakes these days. 547 00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:54,231 The school board isn't gonna be too happy with me. 548 00:20:54,298 --> 00:20:56,383 I'm sure they'll understand. 549 00:20:57,101 --> 00:20:58,351 Children, 550 00:20:58,419 --> 00:20:59,903 the school board says 551 00:20:59,971 --> 00:21:03,140 that Nana Louise is very tired, 552 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:05,742 and can't read to you anymore. 553 00:21:06,444 --> 00:21:07,527 No, Nana Louise! 554 00:21:07,595 --> 00:21:08,579 Don't go! 555 00:21:08,647 --> 00:21:09,680 Oh, 556 00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,781 don't cry, Leonard. 557 00:21:11,849 --> 00:21:12,949 I'm Richie. 558 00:21:13,868 --> 00:21:14,869 Oh, 559 00:21:15,536 --> 00:21:16,703 oh, dear. 560 00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,277 We got a sweet old lady fired, 561 00:21:23,345 --> 00:21:25,312 and we're starting to get a little concerned 562 00:21:25,380 --> 00:21:26,947 about this whole hell thing? 563 00:21:27,582 --> 00:21:28,983 Um, 564 00:21:29,050 --> 00:21:31,668 what's the dealy-o on that? 565 00:21:35,005 --> 00:21:36,390 [Doorbell ringing] 566 00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:37,824 [Fans cheering on t.V.] 567 00:21:40,695 --> 00:21:42,596 Hi. I'm selling boxes of cookies 568 00:21:42,663 --> 00:21:45,098 so my troop can go see the liberty bell. 569 00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:48,501 All right, I'm gonna do you a favor, here. 570 00:21:48,569 --> 00:21:51,054 Go away and don't come back. 571 00:21:51,122 --> 00:21:52,373 Tell the others. 572 00:21:53,542 --> 00:21:55,042 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 573 00:21:55,109 --> 00:21:56,810 Quick. One box of the shortbread. 574 00:21:59,781 --> 00:22:01,515 [Whispering] Now go! Go! 38265