Original subtitles

(Carrie) So, I'm making the copies,

and this freakshow, mark churnin,

comes up and says,

"hey, can I just jump in for one quick copy?"

And what happens? Paper jam.

3 hours to fix.

All for a friggin' wizard of ID cartoon.

[Horn honking] It was so annoying.

Look out!

[Sighing] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, that was incredibly annoying, Doug.

What?

You know, tellin' me how to drive, ok?

I wasn't tellin' you how to drive.

I was letting you know we were about to die.

I saw him.

Yeah, I saw him, too.

He was almost in my eyeball.

For your information,

the only reason I swerved

is 'cause you screamed like a little girl.

"Eek, a mouse!"

Ok, you know what? It wasn't, "eek, a mouse."

It was, "eek! An oil truck!"

Let me just drive, would you, ok?

I promise I will get you and your doughnuts home safely.

Fine. You know what?

From now on, I'm not sayin' a word.

That works for me, hon'. Fine.

[Sighing]

Red light!

[Tires screeching]

[Clearing throat]

I saw that.

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

(Man on t.V.) Mark twain was more than a mere nom de plume.

He was a full-bodied alter ego

who allowed clemens to speak with a voice

that was inelegant,

at times profane,

but always uniquely American.

Hey, Spence, do me a favor.

Stuff that oily rag in my mouth,

and light me on fire.

This is a great documentary.

Give it a chance.

All right, but if Mrs. twain doesn't take her top off soon,

we're going back to cops.

[Grunting]

Oh, hey, you know, that's light beer.

I know.

Well, just, you told me to warn you

in case you grabbed one by mistake.

No, no.

I know-- I know. It's ok.

I'm--I'm tryin' to get back down to my football weight

for the reunion.

[Man chattering on t.V.]

[Sighing] You know what?

Light beer does suck, and I am who I am.

[Grunting]

So do you want me to pick you up?

We'll go together?

Um, I don't think I'm gonna go to the reunion.

Why not? 'Cause--'cause you work in the subway?

I bet there are guys from our class who live in the subway.

That's not why. Um...

[Sighing] The truth is,

I had a very intense relationship

with someone from high school,

and it would be quite awkward for us

to see each other again.

Who was it, Sally your-right-hand?

No!

If you must know, it was a teacher.

Miss berman, the weird home ec teacher with the limp?

No, no, no. It wasn't Mrs. berman.

It was miss Mancini, the Spanish teacher.

Ok, yeah. You had a thing

with the hottest teacher in school?

Yes. Yes.

It was the summer after we graduated,

and we ran into each other

at the Jersey shore.

I won her a stuffed frog

playing skee-ball,

and that night she made me a man.

I--I promised to call her back.

I never did. I'm sure she's very upset.

Ok, little tip. If you want anybody

to believe any part of this story,

I would have gone with limpy from home ec.

Hey, hon'. Hey, Spence.

I'm gonna go to the gym now.

Look, remember how I was gonna

lose 20 pounds for my reunion? Yeah.

Well, that's not gonna happen,

so I'm gonna need you to get your body just that much tighter,

you know, to make up for me.

I will do my best. Ok.

Ok. Bye-bye.

What you got going on on your head there?

Oh. Oh, I just put my hair up in a bun

for spinning class.

Hey, knobby!

Does this thing get f.M. Stations?

Ok, hon'. All right, I'm going.

All righty, bye-bye.

Hey, honey, instead of the movie,

you want to go to the new sculpture garden

at the Brooklyn museum?

Oh, I'd love to see that.

[Making farting sound]

Who do you think I am?

Oh, right. You ready?

Yeah.

Hey, you going with the bun again?

Yep.

You know, we're, uh, going to the movies.

We're not going to the library.

[Mimicking laugh] I like it, ok?

And Amy, the spinning teacher at the gym, said

it looked really cute.

Come on, give me one of these:

[Whispering] "Shh. People are trying to study."

Like you know what goes on in a library.

Come on, honey, let's go.

♪[Music playing]

[Sniffing]

Hey, babe, what's up?

Nothing.

Just gettin' some chips for the boys.

Hey, you guys want to hit Cooper's

for the mets game on Friday night?

Ooh. Can't.

Me, Doug, and Spence got a reunion that night.

Uh, actually, I don't think I'm gonna go.

Por que? Senorita Mancini?

Doug told you about that?

Si, senor.

Ok. Well, hey,

it's true, ok?

We had a very intense thing together.

Right, right. That probably happened

while I was busy smoking crack

with mrs.Greenbaum.

I mean, you believe

it happened, right, deac'?

I believe you believe it.

All right. You know what?

Fine. I'll go, all right?

But just be ready for a very big, ugly scene.

(Spence) Oh, hey, Doug.

Thanks for turning my personal memory

into a cheap laugh. Hope you had fun.

You got it.

Let me ask you guys a question.

What do you think about women wearing their hair up in buns?

Ooh.

Fugly.

Am I crazy? I mean, is that a good look?

Yeah, if you're the old lady

who owns tweety bird.

Thank you. Carrie started wearing her hair in a bun

like a week ago,

and I thought it was just gonna be

like a one-time thing,

but it's--it's hangin' on like a bad cold.

Ouch. Tough break, man.

I just don't get it.

I mean, tying your hair up?

I mean, why not tape your breasts down

while you're at it, am I right?

You're so right.

And the only reason she's doing it

is because some girl at the gym told her she liked it that way.

W-why do they ask other women?

I mean, we're here.

We know what we want.

We're ready to answer their questions.

It's easy. Halter top? Yes.

Driving miss Daisy hair?

No, thank you.

Amen.

Oh, God.

What if Carrie wears the bun to my reunion?

She--she wouldn't do that, would she?

I don't know, man.

She sounds pretty messed up.

[Sighing]

I might have to say something to her.

You're gonna tell Carrie she doesn't look good?

[Laughing]

I admire your acorns.

(Holly) Arthur, I'm here!

Holly, Arthur went down to Atlantic city

with his friend m-Mickey.

He--he didn't call you?

Oh, I must have missed it.

I was pretty hung-over.

Anyway, see you next time.

H-h-hold up a second.

[Sighing]

Ok, look,

here's the thing:

Carrie started wearing her hair in a bun.

Ok.

Well,th-th-the problem is, I can't tell her I don't like it

because I think I wrote something in my wedding vows

about loving her no matter what.

But,

but if it was to come from someone else--

say, like, another woman--

me? Oh, no, no, no.

I could never do that.

Plus, Carrie wouldn't care what I thought, anyway.

That-that's not true.

I mean, she has mentioned to me

how much she admires your sense of style.

Really?

Yes. Just the other day,

she was wondering where you got this very outfit.

This?

Dress barn. Dress barn. Thank you.

I will tell her. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

Look, you'd--you'd really be helpin' me out,

and you'd be helping Carrie out, too.

I-it's--it's like when you do an intervention

with a--a drug addict,

except in this case, the monkey,

it's on the back of her head.

[Sighing]

I don't-- I don't know.

I'll tell you what. $20, right there.

No, I couldn't take money for this.

Although I am a little low on cash.

Goin' a little crazy with the lotto tickets.

Here. Thanks.

Hmm.

Oh, hey, hol'.

Um, my dad's in Atlantic city.

Yeah, I kn--I know-- I know. That's ok.

Well, see you later.

Hey, hey. Um,

like your shoes.

Well, thank you.

Yes, but that bun,

not workin' for you, girlfriend.

What?

You know, just maybe there's a better l-look,

you know, for you.

Well, holly, my hairstyle is really my business,

now, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

I got this at dress barn.

Good to know.

[Door closing]

And then, out of nowhere,

holly starts talkin' about my hair

and where she bought this horrible dress

she was wearing. It was creepy.

Yeah, I hear she drinks a lot.

What you... What you doin'?

Well, I'm in the mood for a little lovin',

and you're the only guy here, so...

I love you.

Oh, honey, you're sweet.

I love you, too. Come here.

[Murmuring]

Oh, I love you so much. Oh, God, I love you. I just love you.

Oh, ok, honey, get off. What--what are you doing?

Get off! Get it out!

What?

What are you talking about?

It's just...

Your bun.

My bun? You don't like my bun?

[Whispering] I can't stand it.

Oh, my God.

So that stupid thing with holly,

that was you? You asked her to do that?

Actually, I paid her to.

You paid her? Well, I--I...

Thank God that money's not going to our mortgage,

'cause we got a bun crisis on our hands!

It's just that you got so many great hair looks,

like down, over here, you know, bangs.

When we met, it was all big,

and I just don't think the bun is the pick of the litter.

What, what don't you like about it, Doug? Tell me.

I mean, obviously, out of the 2 of us,

you are the one with the fashion sense. I mean...

[Gasping]

T-shirt over stained sweats,

how is that not in every magazine?

You know, what, it's not just me, ok?

Buns are bad. Everybody thinks so.

Oh, really? Everybody thinks so?

That's funny, because everyone at work who sees it,

says it looks really good.

They're just kissing up to you.

Why is that, because I'm a secretary

and I know where the sweet'n low is?

No, Doug, buns are very chic, ok?

They happen to be the preferred look in Spain.

Well, then, why don't you wear a sombrero, too?

That's Mexico, you friggin' idiot.

The thing is, I'm not making this up. Like, um, in the movie,

there's always the mousy receptionist with the bun.

And--and no one will look at her twice

until finally she lets her hair down.

And then, everybody's like,

"why, miss freihoffer, you're beautiful."

And what movie is that, Doug?

I don't know, but it's a movie.

Mmm. Must have missed that.

Sorry, I don't watch 112 hours of t.V. A week.

Ok, you know, you want to talk about my t.V. Problem, that's valid,

but not until this bun thing is over.

Well, I'll tell you,

I don't think this bun thing is gonna be over,

because the more you talk, the more I'm liking this.

Look, it's just a stupid little problem!

Why are you giving me so much crap about it?

Because when I came in here to make love to my husband,

his idea of foreplay

was to pull my hair out of my head

and tell me I repulse him.

I never said that! It's...

It's not about you or me, it's about the bun.

You know what? Maybe you would like my bun better

if it had powdered sugar on it.

Oh. Ok.

It took some time, but I knew you'd go there:

"Fatty like cake."

How predictable.

I'll tell you one thing,

you're not wearing that little hair burger to my reunion.

Oh, ok, so you're scared my bun is gonna humiliate you

in front of your high school friends?

Not just my friends. People I don't even know, too.

Well, you know what, Doug?

I could take the bun out for your reunion,

easily done,

or, and I am leaning this way,

I could leave it in and just not go.

Let's do that.

Fine.

Fine.

Good night to you.

Good night.

[Sniffing]

Yeah, look at it, look at it!

Morning. Morning.

[Exclaiming]

That feels good.

By the way, I'll be going to my reunion directly from work.

Probably gonna be late, too.

Great. Gives me a little alone time.

Yeah. Hey, maybe you can kick back in your rocker

and knit something.

Sorry I won't be there to help you impress your little buddies.

Oh, you'll be there.

What's that?

Just a little picture of you from our trip to Barbados.

Beautiful, long hair flowing in the breeze,

and, yeah, a little younger.

Give me that.

[Muttering] No.

[Both chattering]

Get your own, bun-head! Ow!

Yeah. Ok.

Oh, you know what? I make shakes in there!

[Both exclaiming]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hey, guys. Ooh, coffee.

Come on, man. Let's get out of here.

Carrie, you mind if I--

no. Go ahead, honey. Thanks.

[Coffee pouring]

Deacon.

Mmm? Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What do you think of my hair like this?

You--you mean the bun?

Yeah, come on, the truth.

Well, I-I-in general, I think it's, um...

Just tell me.

[Clearing throat] It's ass ugly, girl.

♪[Karma chameleon by boy George playing]

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon ♪

♪ you come and go

then, after medical school,

I designed this implantable insulin pump for diabetics.

I do pretty well from the patent on that,

but I'm still working over at mount sinai with the kids.

Oh, excellent.

So what do you do?

I'm married to her.

Cute. Very cute. What happened to the picture?

I had to tape it together. My wife stuck it in a blender,

but, uh, everything's good. We're very happy.

Well, great.

It is great.

Hey, Spence, why aren't you mingling?

What happened, you run into miss Mancini?

Was it awkward?

No, but do you know what is awkward?

Your obsession with my sex life.

Ooh, you got me.

Yeah, I should take a good, hard look at myself.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

But first,

guess who just walked in the door?

She taught you Spanish, then you tossed her paella.

Job's going great.

I mean, it couldn't be going better, you know?

Basically, I get paid to wear shorts.

That sounds great.

It is great.

♪[Music continues playing]

Carrie.

Hey, sweetie.

Your hair's down. What did you do?

Yeah, well, I just realized, you know,

who cares who's right about the bun?

The point is,

you didn't like it, so it came down.

You know, this is your night, and I want to look good for my Dougie.

Well, I love you.

Come on, let's trot you around the ring.

All right, first off, I want to introduce you

to this little pinhead who invented an insulin pump.

Hey, check it out.

(Danny) Now Mancini's talking to

miss berman, that home ec teacher.

I think she's trying to make her way over to you.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go.

Oh, oh, too late. Here she comes. Miss Mancini.

Stop it. Come here.

Remember me?

Level 2 Spanish, repeated it.

[Laughing] Danny heffernan, right?

Wow, that is some memory you have there, yeah.

Well, if you remember me, I--I get the feeling

you might remember this young gentleman.

I want to say mark shine.

Spence olchin.

Right. Right.

Well, it's wonderful to see you guys.

Hasta luego.

Oh, sorry, guy. You had a good run.

[Clearing throat]

Oh, miss berman.

You said you'd call me, you bastard!

♪[True by spandau ballet playing]

♪ I know this much is true

I'm just gonna move you a couple steps to the left.

Stu Gibbs is checking out your ass,

and I want him to get the whole picture.

All right, honey, can I be off the clock now?

You know what? You're right.

I'm sorry, you've been a champ.

Look, now that you've, uh, come around to my side about the bun,

maybe we could talk about retiring that orange dress you always wear.

My orange dress? You don't like my orange dress?

Not unless you're wearing it as a hunting vest.

You're a moron. That's a versace knockoff.

And f.Y.I., the only reason I took the bun down

is because Deacon said he didn't like it.

But thanks for weighing in, Mr. Blackwell.

You asked Deacon about this?

Yeah. I asked him if he liked my bun.

He said, "no, it looked bad." So I just went...

Whoop!

[Laughing] So l-l-let me get this straight.

I, your husband, who you theoretically love,

beg you for 2 days to go

whoop, and nothin',

but then Deacon comes along and,

"whoop, there it is"?

That was the sequence of events, yes.

So where do I fall on this list of people you do listen to?

Because apparently, Deacon's first, we know that.

But then who? I mean, guys in prison,

you know, our insurance agent, uh...

Hey, you know what?

I'm not gonna listen to you or anyone else.

I think the bun looks great, so the hair is going back up.

(Jimmy) Hey, excuse me, folks.

If I could just get everybody's attention for a sec.

Uh, as you all know,

St. Gregory's has lost

a beloved member of its family recently,

Mrs. palsgraf, our school librarian.

(Jimmy) She's passed away after 22 years on the job.

So, why don't we all just take a brief moment

and remember Mrs. p.

What's up, palsgraf?

♪[Take my breath away by Berlin playing]

♪ Take my breath away

♪ take my breath away