Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

(Sportscaster) Well, it was a blockbuster day

for the Pittsburgh pirates,

as they acquired the rights to college phenom Ari berenson...

A question about the eyepatch:

How come so many pirates had their eyes poked out?

What was goin' on back then?

Well, a lot of them

had those hook hands, right?

So maybe the first day or 2

before he got used to his new hook hand,

he'd just go to rub his eye and just--

just poke that bad boy right out.

But how'd they get the hook hands?

Probably from shakin' hands with a pirate

who already had one.

Hey, guys. (Doug) Hey.

(Deacon) Hey, car'.

Uh, Doug. Can I talk to you for a sec?

[Doug clearing throat]

Peg legs.

Work on some answers.

What's up?

Well, we've got a little situation here.

My boss just gave me our tickets

for this year's employee golf day thing

at briarwood.

Yes!

"Your foursome will be our special guests

"for an all-expenses paid day

at New York's finest private golf club and spa."

[Exclaiming]

Ok. Before you wet yourself,

may I remind you that we have this tradition

of taking Deacon and Kelly?

Oh, my God. You're right.

Yeah, so what do we do now that they're split up?

Do we just not go this year?

What? No, no, no. We have to go.

This is briarwood.

If I was gonna cheat on you with a piece of land,

it would be briarwood.

What, you don't think I wanna go?

If I could cheat on you with a massage therapist,

it would be Justin at briarwood.

Ok. Technically, mine was impossible.

Yours has a name.

Shouldn't we invite Deacon anyway

and just play as a threesome?

No, this is a couples thing.

You remember how great it used to be?

You and Deacon were all intense, bettin' on the scores,

and Kelly and I would be playing crappy golf,

making fun of everybody.

Oh, my God.

You remember last year, she actually shot a 300?

That included picking up the ball

and throwing it a few times, too.

Well, she's gone, and he's in our living room.

What should we do?

Hey, Arthur, holly.

Greetings to you, Mr. Palmer.

Hey, Deacon.

Holly, if you have a moment, I'll go get you that book.

Oh, sure, sure. I'll wait.

[People on TV chattering]

So, uh, hey, Deacon. When are you gonna get a dog?

Huh? Oh, I think if I got a dog,

my wife would probably wind up taking half.

The good half.

[Snickering]

Yeah, yeah.

I heard about that, that divorce thing.

I'm--I'm kind of in the same situation.

You're divorced?

Me? No, no, no, no.

It's just, you know, I'm--I'm not, I'm not with anybody,

you know, which is the same situation you're in,

you know, minus the rage.

Here you go.

This is the real story of why Martin and Lewis broke up.

This guy got it right.

Oh. Well, thanks a lot, Arthur.

See you tomorrow, doll.

Ok.

Bye, Deacon.

All right. Take it easy.

So, what's it gonna be, bub?

I don't know.

Well, take the ticket out of your mouth.

You're chewin' off the lamination.

Even their lamination tastes good.

How do you do it, briarwood?

Oh.

(Deacon) Uh.

L-look, I don't want you guys to feel awkward about this,

so just, um, just invite another couple.

It-it's fine.

Really? I mean, we'd be happy to do it with just you, sweetie.

Yeah, you know what? Let's do that.

No, no, don't even worry about it. Look, I'm--I'm chillin',

I'm just gonna grab a beer,

and, uh, you know, it's cool.

It's cool.

[Clearing throat]

[Muttering] Oh, yeah.

Ok. What about the wallaces?

Hate 'em.

You hate the wallaces? Why?

Well, let's start with this,

they're both loaded with freckles.

They're perfectly fine to play golf with.

Ok. Fine. Invite 'em, then.

Actually, you know what? I kind of hate them, too.

Um, oh, the glickmans.

Who are they again?

From our old apartment building.

She's 40. He's, like, 26.

Pass.

Well, we're kinda running out of options here, bub.

Come on. We can do this. We can find another couple.

Our phone book just can't be a list of people we hate.

Got it. The kelsos.

Who?

From kelso's chicken wrap.

They're very nice people.

They always give me, like, a million extra napkins.

Hon', not sure providing us with take-out

makes them great golf buddies.

Well, I guess that rules out the fung lees.

[Sighing]

Man, Deacon and Kelly were our couple.

They were it.

We just fit.

Yeah.

You know, it's true what they say.

"Divorce is hardest on the best friends."

"Hardest on the kids."

Please.

They get presents.

So, um,

who are you guys inviting to this golf thing?

I don't know. Probably Eddie dugan and his wife.

Ah.

[People chattering]

Did you get a tee-time yet or, uh--

why are you doin' this to yourself?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Look, we can still play as a threesome. It'll be fine.

No. No threesome.

I'm sorry I even brought it up.

[Gulping]

Excuse me, can I borrow your salt?

Hey, take the pepper, too. It can't survive on its own.

[Laughing]

Have 'em back by closin' time.

[Laughing] That's funny.

You guys are funny.

[Continues laughing]

Hey, hon'.

What are you so happy about?

We met someone.

(Doug) Carrie!

(Carrie) I'm almost ready! Stop rushing me!

Where are my wiffle golf balls?

I don't know!

[Sighing]

What was that?

Arthur!

[Car honking] Car', come on. Deac' just pulled up.

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

All right. We gotta hustle.

We gotta pick up Leslie on the way.

Oh, and by the way, you're gonna love her. She's awesome.

Well, I'm a little nervous to meet her.

I feel like I'm going on a first date, too.

You know, I actually made sure my bra and panties matched.

Is that a little weird?

I don't think it's weird. I slapped on cologne.

[Knock on door]

I gotta tell you. I think Leslie's the one--

for all of us.

What's up, golf enthusiast?

I can't go. What?

My baby-sitter just called me on my cell.

She's got a family emergency. I gotta go back home.

Oh, no. No, no. No.

Come on.

Don't you have other baby-sitters you guys use?

Yeah. Kelly's cousin and sister.

I'm sure they'd love to cover for me while I go on a date.

Arthur, it's holly! Ready to rock?

(Arthur) Be right up, sunshine!

Go!

Yeah, right.

Holly.

Oh, hey, Deacon. Looks like someone's gettin' ready to go--

yeah, I am. Listen, I have a huge favor to ask.

Uh, you met my kids, right?

I was here with 'em last week.

Oh, sure. They're adorable.

I love the way the little one--

yeah, it's so cute when he does that.

Anyway, I'm supposed to go golfing right now

with, with Doug and Carrie and this great girl I just met,

but my, my baby-sitter just canceled on me.

So you want me to watch your kids while you go on a date?

Can you?

Well, no. No, no.

[Stuttering] I mean, I'm not a baby-sitter.

You know, that's not what I do, you know, at all.

I'm--I'm a dog-Walker. I walk dogs.

Yeah, but you-- you walk Arthur, right?

I mean, he's like a baby if babies were old and strange.

Yes. Yes, I--I do walk Arthur,

and actually, I have to walk him right now.

He gets very cranky if he doesn't get his walk

and a knish.

Well, look.

The baby-sitter can stick around for another hour.

No. I can't do it, ok?

Ok. All right, um, all right. S-sorry.

All right. Ok. I'll do it.

You just said--

I thought it over. Where do you live?

Lefrak city, building 6, apartment 16 c.

I'll call the baby-sitter and tell her you're on your way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Man, have you ever seen so many rich people in one place?

I feel like we're the only ones not named "van snootington."

[Giggling]

[Laughing] Van snootington.

Yeah. Everyone looks at me like they think

they should be tipping me for something, you know what I'm sayin'?

[Laughing] I do!

Ok. Looks like we got a laugher here.

Will this chariot do for me ladies?

Oh, it's fine, sire.

It's fine, honey. Let's go.

All right.

All right. Let's go spank the dimples

off some little white balls.

[Giggling]

Doug and I will grab some scorecards.

If we're not back in 5 minutes,

it means they threw us out.

[Laughing]

[Sighing]

So, nice place, huh?

Yeah, it's, it's beautiful.

So you got the tickets from your law firm?

Well, it's not actually my law firm.

I'm just a secretary slash bagel-fetcher.

[Snickering]

What, what do you do?

I'm a receptionist at a car dealership.

Oh, really?

Well, later, we'll compare notes

on all the creepy people we have to suck up to, right?

Well, actually, everyone's very nice where I work.

That's good. Good for you.

Let's do it.

All right. Load 'em up, move out.

All right. You any good at golf?

Me? No.

Oh, great. Me, neither.

Ok. This is officially the crappy golfers' cart.

Whoa. That's a rocket.

(Deacon) Ringer.

I think we got a ringer here.

[Leslie giggling] Girl outdrove me.

[Laughing]

[Laughing] Stop it.

Hey.

I thought you said you weren't that good.

Oh, I'm not.

No, I could never play on the tour like my sister.

Ok. My turn.

2, another stinking 2?

1, 2.

How much longer do we have to stay here?

Arthur, I told you, I have to be here all day,

if you hadn't taken a half an hour

to sit and eat your ice-cream cone in the park,

I would've had time to take you home.

Ice-cream cones are not meant to be eaten on the move!

Actually, they are.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

3. 1, 2, 3.

Look at you putting all your ducks in the truck, major.

Good work, buddy.

So, the fact that I'm bored to tears means nothing to you?

Arthur, we invited you to play trouble with us.

Your explanation of the rules was incomprehensible.

My turn.

5.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Gotcha. You gotta go back.

Aw, I don't wanna go back.

You gotta go back, you big cheater.

You're the cheater. You're the cheater.

You are.

I hate it here!

Whoa. Good cut.

Just keep your head down, car'.

I will.

[Sighing]

You know, shouldn't you guys be hitting your own balls?

We're all on the green, babe.

Whoa. That's a big divot.

What, are you puttin' in a hot tub?

[All laughing]

Ok. You know what?

Why don't you guys go to the green and I'll catch up?

You sure? 'Cause we're fine watchin' you. Give us a little wiggle.

I'm sure.

(Doug) All right.

All right. You on?

I'm on. Cheese it! The cops!

Uh, hang on!

I'm gonna try to jump the sand trap!

[Leslie shrieking]

[Leslie laughing]

[Mimicking Leslie laughing]

So, the whole game,

Doug's just, like, raggin' on their,

like, what, 8-foot Lithuanian center,

kept calling him "lurch."

So, finally, the guy just whips around and glares at me, like...

[Leslie laughing]

[Laughing] He, he did not.

This boy jumps under his seat.

He's kissin' peanut shells for the rest of the 4th quarter.

You'd be surprised at how many good ones were there.

[Gasping] Don't you think this is funny?

No. No, I do.

I just heard this story a couple of times.

Hey, deac', I just remembered. Jimmy at work,

he wants to sell off part of his season ticket package.

He's got 4 seats, right?

We should all go to a bunch of knick games together.

That'd be awesome, huh?

Would you want to do that?

Are you kidding? Where do I sign up?

Great. I gotta make a quick pit stop

before we hit the back 9,

and then I got some serious ass-whoopin' to do, my man.

Hey, the only thing that's gettin' whooped around here is your wallet.

So pee well, my friend.

Actually, I'm gonna follow you,

'cause I need to go to the ladies' room, too.

[Leslie giggling]

Oh, man. This is great, huh?

Yeah. It's fine, Doug.

I just wish you would've talked to me first

before you hog-tied the 4 of us together for life.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, in case you haven't noticed,

I'm not really clicking with Leslie, here.

How can you not be clickin' with her? She's phenomenal.

She's click-a-licious.

It's a magical foursome we got goin', here.

No.

No, I admit you have a magical threesome going.

You and Deacon are doing your nightclub act,

and she's the happy drunk in the audience.

But I'm kinda out of it, hon'.

Oh, now I get it.

You just don't like her

because she's not as bitchy and sarcastic as Kelly.

I miss that a little, yes.

And you know why you miss it?

'Cause you don't welcome joy into your life.

Where's your joy? Where's your laughter?

I laugh.

No. Laughter's happy,

[whispering] And that terrifies you.

Ok. You know what?

You're about to get a melon fork in the eye.

Look, the foursome is back, ok?

You can be part of it or not. The choice is yours.

Well, Einstein, if I'm not part of it,

then you don't have a foursome.

[Scoffing] You've never been wronger.

Ok. Here's a pretty easy one.

"Cat"? That's easy.

I said it was easy.

I'm just gettin' you warmed up, buddy.

Ok. Here's a pretty tough one.

"T...

"T-tr-tr--"

"train."

Arthur.

He was taking an eternity.

All right, can you please go to the bedroom and watch TV?

No. There's a poster of dizzy Gillespie in there,

and his eyes follow me around the room.

All right. Ooh. Here's a fun one, kirb.

"Zebra."

Arthur!

You said it was fun. Why can't I join in the fun?

All right, will you please stop it?

I want fish sticks.

Yeah, me, too.

All right. All right.

Uh, Arthur, could you keep an eye on the kids?

Me? Why?

'Cause I gotta go make fish sticks.

But I haven't looked after a small child in years,

and according to her, I botched it pretty badly.

You'll be... You'll be fine.

[Sighing]

So, uh,

where do you fellas hail from?

Ow.

Crap.

(Tina) Carrie?

Tina.

[Tina chuckling]

Hey.

How you doin'?

Oh, girl.

I hate this stupid game.

Ugh.

I think the partners just give us these passes to torture us,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, I know what you're sayin'.

I'd be fine playing 3 holes

and layin' out on the sand trap, gettin' some rays.

Yeah. Right.

Is Carlos here?

No, I dumped that loser 2 weeks ago.

Just invited some girlfriends.

Hey, car'.

I, I think your ball's in the rough about 30 yards down.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, Deacon, this is my friend Tina.

She works with me at the firm,

and, Tina, this is our friend Deacon.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

All right.

This is wild, you know?

2 friends who love jazz,

together in the same place?

That... What are the odds?

You're into jazz?

Um, it's ok.

What are you talkin' about?

You have that radio on your desk.

You're always boppin' around.

Oh, that's a salsa station.

Well, it's pretty darn jazzy.

I think the point is that you both listen to music,

and that's-- that's fun.

Hey! What's goin' on? How we doin', here?

We're doin' fine. Tina lost her ball. Go away.

Oh, hi. Well, Tina.

I got a brand-new titleist there. You're back on the fairway.

Nice seein' you.

(Tina) Oh, well, ok. Thanks. Bye, car'.

Nice meeting you, Deacon.

(Deacon) Uh, you, too.

I'm gonna go catch up with Leslie.

Yeah. Good.

Take it easy, now.

You were tryin' to fix him up with your friend Tina, weren't you?

What'd you do? Arrange this little chance meeting?

Yes, Doug. I had Tina airlifted into the woods

just to mess up your day.

I can't believe you.

Doug, I just ran into her, ok?

But I will tell you something.

When Deacon looked at Tina,

there was a connection.

No, no, no.

I think when you looked at Tina, there was a connection.

Ok? Deacon likes Leslie.

Oh, please.

[Mimicking Leslie laughing]

"I have no personality, so I laugh at everything."

Do you actually think he can have a relationship with someone like that?

Do you think he'd have a great relationship with Tina, the office slut?

I was mad at her when I said that.

This thing we got goin' here works, ok?

Deal with it.

Wh-where you goin'?

I am dealing with it.

Obviously you have a great thing going here,

and I don't want to be in the way

when you 3 start to make out.

Car-Carrie, get back here.

Carrie.

Carrie.

Stop it!

Carrie!

Carrie, stop! Stop it!

Get off!

Stop it! Would you stop?

[Groaning]

All right.

Almost made it through the whole day

without sliding back down crap Mountain.

[Laughing]

(Arthur) Then,

from the comfort of their cushy headquarters,

the generals commanded our weary platoon to take the town.

This fellow is me.

You can tell by the firm-set jaw

and the look of steely determination.

Who's this?

That's o'Shannon.

He didn't make it.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, dad.

Hey, kirb. Hey, Arthur.

Fish sticks are on the table.

Hey, Deacon.

Hey.

Come on. While we eat,

I'll tell you what really goes on

inside an army psychiatric hospital.

[Sighing]

You're home early.

How was your date?

Well, I'm home early.

Hey, listen, thanks for covering for me. How'd it go here?

Good, good. It was good.

Everyone's accounted for.

Although it is easier for me when they're all on leashes.

I wasn't suggesting that you put your kids on a leash.

Actually, that's probably not a bad idea.

[Chuckling]

Uh, please don't laugh.

Oh. Okey-doke.

Well, I guess I should be going.

Arthur, you ready?

Actually, I've been invited to sleep over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see you around, Deacon.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait. Let me pay you for today.

Money? No. No, no, no, no, no.

What? Come on.

I gotta give you something.

No, no, really, I mean, I--I just got a bunch of new clients,

a whole family of beagles.

I'm doing quite well, really.

Really. It's fine.

Ok.

Thanks.

I owe you one.

I may just take you up on that.

Bye.

Ooh.

Come on, you 2. It's late.

Lights out.

A clarification, sir.

When you say, "lights out," does that include flashlights?