Original subtitles

♪[Bruce Springsteen singing Santa claus is coming to town]

♪ Santa claus is comin' to town ♪

♪ Santa claus is comin' to town ♪

♪ Santa claus is comin'

♪ to town

Carrie!

(Carrie) Yeah?

Don't come down yet. I'm wrapping your Christmas present.

(Carrie) Ok.

All right, you can come down now.

(Carrie) One sec.

What are you doing, anyway?

(Carrie) Peeing on a stick.

I'm hoping it's a pregnancy test.

Here it is.

So? We getting a baby or what?

I don't know. We'll know in 3 minutes.

Oh, come on, be positive, be positive.

Daddy wants to be a daddy!

All right, stop waving it. It's not a polaroid.

Just set it down there.

Set it down!

God, I just wanna be pregnant, already.

We've been trying for so long, and I'm sick of it.

Thank you.

I'll telling you, if I'm not pregnant,

I'm gonna call that fertility place and make an appointment.

Stop it. We don't need to go there.

Why not?

We've-- we've been trying for 5 months, and zippo.

Why are you so opposed to getting checked out?

Because we'll be sitting in the waiting room

and people will look over at us,

and let's face it, they're gonna assume it's me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I will announce to the room

that you are a champion sperm donor from yugoslavia.

Look. We don't need a clinic.

I'm telling you, that test is gonna come up positive.

I can feel it.

Yeah? How do you know?

'Cause the other night, when we were trying,

I was right on the money.

I made good contact, I followed through.

You gotta get the legs into it, that's the key. The legs.

Ah!

Well, I hope you're right.

It would be nice to be pregnant for Christmas, wouldn't it?

Yeah, and when my parents come up,

we can give them the good news in person.

Actually, that's gift enough,

we can return the matching sweat suits.

Oh, that reminds me,

I gotta get the office cleaned up and the futon ready for them.

You did tell them they were staying in the office this time, right?

Uh...

You are such a wimp!

Carrie, it's hard. I mean,

the--the first time they came to visit we gave them our room.

Sliding them across the hall now

would be a delicate bit of business.

Why? When we go to visit them in Florida,

they don't give us their bedroom, do they?

No, we sleep on a fold-out couch that smells like a cat.

And need I remind you they don't have a cat?

Look, you're right. I'm sorry.

I just can't look my parents in the eyes

and say, you know, "mom, dad,

you're sleeping next to the fax machine. Merry Christmas!"

You don't have to say anything.

When you bring their suitcases upstairs,

just put them in the office.

You're smart.

I'm not that smart,

just smarter than you, honey.

Say, whose negative pregnancy test is this?

♪ Silent night

♪ holy...

Night.

Thank you, darling.

♪ Holy night

♪ all is well

you hungry, dad? You want a snack before holly comes?

Sure do.

Why, what is this?

A festive platter of assorted cheeses!

Hello, Cincinnati!

Don't unwrap that.

I'll make you a tuna sandwich.

I see.

A cheese platter suddenly appears,

yet I'm forbidden to partake.

This couldn't possibly have anything to do

with the impending arrival of Douglas' parents today, could it?

It's not just for them, it's for all of us.

Oh, splendid. Then you won't mind

if I take a spoon to the wheel of brie.

Dad, you are driving me crazy. Stop it!

No, I will not stop it!

In the 4 years I've been here,

you never once bought me a cheese platter. Not once!

Then I'll buy you one next week.

I don't want cheese out of pity!

I want cheese out of love!

You love your parents more than me. Admit it!

Done.

[Telephone ringing]

[Knocking at door]

Hello?

Hello, holly. Hi.

(Doug) Hey. Hi.

Oh, look, Arthur, you and scout are wearing the same sweater.

Did you guys call each other this morning?

No, but I will admit I saw him wearing that the other day,

and he looked quite sharp.

Ok, let's go. Bye, guys.

Hang on one sec.

Dad! I just opened up a can of tuna for you!

Well, when it turns into delicious cheese,

I'll eat it!

You know what? That sounds great.

Yes, we'll see you in a half-hour. Thank you so much.

All right. Bye-bye.

Who are we seeing in a half-hour? The fertility doctor.

They had a cancellation.

Come on, they can get us in right now.

(Doug) Now?

We got to pick my parents up at 3:00.

It'll be perfect. We'll go get checked out,

then we'll go straight to the airport.

I don't feel like dealing with this today.

Why not?

'Cause I'd-- I'd rather be told to switch to baggy shorts

after new year's.

(Carrie) Let's go. Come on.

Ok. Well, I'm pleased to tell you

that the preliminary tests we took today

have been enough for us to isolate the problem.

Oh, well, that's good. So--so what's going on?

Doug. Yeah?

Your sperm count and motility check out fine.

Yes!

Love you guys!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

However, Carrie,

we did find something irregular in your tests.

Apparently, you have only one functioning ovary.

Which means you're only fertile

half as often as you would otherwise be.

Really?

There are some drugs you can take,

but I'm hoping that that won't be necessary.

Um, actually, as a matter of fact,

you are beginning an ovulation cycle today.

I am?

Yes, you are. These next 3 days would be a perfect time

for you to try to get pregnant.

So,

my professional advice is

get crackin'.

So what's new, kids?

Come on in, come on in.

Oh, my goodness, Carrie,

the house looks beautiful.

It's so festive.

Thank you, Janet.

Hey!

Where's that Miami dolphins ornament I sent you?

You didn't hang it up?

No, I got my jets ornament up there.

So?

So? I'm not gonna cancel out my jets ornament

with the freakin' dolphins!

What are you, crazy?

One ornament doesn't cancel out another.

Dad, they're both in the a.F.C. East.

While you two discuss the true meaning of Christmas,

can I make anybody some coffee?

(Janet) That would be lovely, dear.

Do you need some help?

You know what, mom, you relax. I'll-I'll help her out.

Leave his ornament alone, Joe.

I was taking a candy cane!

So how you-- how you doing?

Well, it wasn't my most favorite trip to the doctor I've ever had.

Did you have any idea before?

Like, did you feel weird in, like, a--a one-ovaryish kind of way?

Well, I wasn't tipping to one side,

if that's what you mean.

This sucks!

Look, you heard what the doctor-lady said.

You still got one that's open for business.

That's true.

We've got 3 fertile days coming up,

so we gotta make this happen.

Hey, with my bullets,

I can knock up you and anyone standing behind you.

I just wish we weren't going through this

with your parents visiting,

but at least we'll have our room this time, right?

Yeah.

Oh, God! The suitcases!

Go!

(Doug) Mom! Mom!

What? What are you running around crazy for?

[Panting] I'm not. I--I--I just-- h-here, let me take those.

Oh, thank you, darling.

God forbid your father should get off his you-know-what.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Uh, you know what? Follow me into the office.

Here we go.

All right.

There we go. Now we're in--in business.

Lookin' good, huh?

Why are we in here?

Oh, uh, well, to tell you the truth, mom,

Carrie and I were talking

and, uh, we thought that you might like to...

S-s-see our computer.

Why, dear?

[Tittering] Why?

We're buying you one for your birthday, that's why!

Oh, my God!

Come on. Sit down. Try it out, see how you like it.

That is so sweet! [Tittering] Yeah, sweet.

Oh, it's nice!

Hey, spooner!

Good to see you.

Season's greetings.

Who's this?

[Laughing] A little young for you, isn't she?

Hi, I'm holly shumpert.

Joe heffernan.

You got a couple of nice puppies there.

Thank-- oh, the dogs! The dogs, right.

No, no. No.

They're not mine, I'm just walking them. That's what I do.

So you're a dog Walker? Yeah.

And a very busy one, at that.

Goodbye.

So, uh, what's the deal here, spooner?

Are you a dog Walker, too?

You--you two work as a team, that it?

Not exactly, n-no.

It's a Doug and Carrie pay m-me to...

A-Arthur needs to get out occasionally--

now wait--wait--wait a second.

Is she saying that Doug and Carrie

pay a dog Walker to walk you?

She does not walk me.

She walks with me.

If I want to go left, I go left,

if I want to go right, I go right.

No dog on this earth has that kind of leeway!

You had her suitcase in this room.

You couldn't just close the deal?

I just froze up.

I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come.

All right, forget about it. It's not the end of the world.

By the way, we got to buy her a computer.

Ok

you know what?

If I don't get a friggin' baby out of this,

you are so dead. Yeah.

All right.

Hop on in, butch.

[Bed creaking]

Oh, God, it's creaking.

That's ok. Just come on. It's not gonna hold us.

Just go slow. Come on!

[Bed creaking]

You see? There, it stopped.

'Cause I'm just lying here, but once we start doing stuff,

it's gonna sound like geppetto's workshop in here.

You're gonna be fine.

[Bed creaking]

You ready? Yeah.

All right, here we go.

(Doug) Ok. Easy.

All right.

[Knocking at door]

[Sighing] Ok.

Yeah?

Hey, Dougie, I forgot to tell you,

I promised Lou dimaria

that we'd go see his grandkid

in this Christmas choir show tomorrow night.

(Joe) You remember Lou?

Yeah, Lou. Yeah.

Yeah. So you'll come?

It'll mean a lot to Lou and your mother.

Sure, dad. We're there.

Ok. Good night.

Good night.

Ok. That didn't help.

No.

Has you dad always had those brown spots on his legs?

I couldn't tell you.

They could laser those right off.

You know, this isn't helping, either.

Ok. I'm sorry. You're right. I love you. Ok. Come on.

I love you.

[Telephone ringing]

[Whirring]

We're getting a fax.

This won't take long.

[Fax machine whirring]

We'll have sex in a minute.

[Whirring stops]

Ok. All right.

[Fax machine whirring]

All right.

Ok, I'm at least 6 inches lower than last time.

You know what? Let's just forget about this tonight,

and tomorrow morning, we'll talk to your parents,

tell them what's going on and have them give us our bedroom back.

I don't want to have that conversation with them. Why not?

'Cause I don't feel like asking them to help me have sex, ok?

I'm funny that way.

[Sighing] All right, how about this:

Tomorrow night we blow off that choir thing,

and we'll have the house to ourselves.

No, we can't blow it off, it's Lou dimaria's grandkid.

Who the hell is Lou dimaria?

Uh, Lou dimaria of Lou dimaria Subaru?

Oh!

Oh, my God! I had no idea!

He's an old friend of the family, ok?

I'll get the job done now. I'll figure a way to do it. Now let's do it.

You're hot, I love you, let's do it. All right.

[Knocking at door]

[Laughing] Ok.

Yeah?

I hear you're joining us for Lou's grandson's choir recital.

We are so happy!

[Kissing]

So you want to keep going--

I couldn't make love to Julia Roberts right now.

(Choir) ♪ 4 calling birds

♪ 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves ♪

♪ and a partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ on the 11th day of Christmas... ♪

Friggin' kids.

What's the matter?

What's the matter is, I've only got one good ovary,

it's firing right now,

and I'm stuck here listening to these losers.

Come on, back it down a notch.

I'm not gonna back it down. I want a baby.

Can't we just get out of here?

No. Why?

We live 5 minutes from here. We can...

We can go home for a half-hour,

do what we gotta do, and get back

before they get to the hanukkah songs.

I don't know.

Come on, your parents won't even notice.

I think it's fate that we couldn't find seats next to them.

It's like the spirit of Christmas

is telling us to go home and squeeze in a quickie.

All right, but be careful.

This place is crawling with dimarias. Ok.

[Audience applauding]

And now, would you all please join us

for our famous jingle bells dance!

♪[Piano playing]

Oh, I'm sorry.

My wife has one ovary.

[Children] ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ jingle all the way

♪ oh, what fun it is to ride... ♪

Want to dance with us, sir?

I can't. My wife's got a bad ovary.

Oh, come on!

No, she really does. One bad one.

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Ok. We've got a problem.

I only have one good ovary.

Oh, my!

Yeah, and we're trying to make you a grandkid,

but it turns out these 3 days,

the 3 days that you guys are here,

are our last shot to conceive for a couple of months.

Actually, we're down to one night now.

I told you it wasn't Dougie.

We're so sorry. What can we do to help?

Well, um,

a little more privacy might make it easier for us.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Joe, maybe we should go to a hotel.

What? Why?

Why?

'Cause Dougie can't make love with us across the hall.

Why the hell not? He did it in high school.

(Doug) Never! Sure!

With that, uh, that girl that played lacrosse.

What was her name, son?

Betsy keenan.

Yeah, that's right!

They were in the den. I heard 'em plain as day.

You fell asleep watching Carson.

I had no idea.

I hope you used ñprotection, dear.

Oh, God.

[Knocking at door]

I got it, darling.

Oh, good morning, holly. Hi.

I'll see you all later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there, spooner.

Janet, this is the one I was telling you about,

the one that walks Arthur.

(Holly) Hi, happy holidays!

(Janet) Hi.

Hey, I could use some fresh air.

You mind if I join you on the walk?

No, I don't mind.

(Joe) Terrific! All right!

I'll see you all in a couple hours, huh?

Ok. Here's an idea.

How about if Joe and I go out to dinner tonight with Arthur

and leave the whole house to you kids?

And you can take your bedroom back, too.

That would be perfect, Janet. Thank you.

Our pleasure.

So.

What time do you need us to stay out until?

Uh, midnight, 1 a.m.?

That's crazy. Don't have to stay out that late.

Well, how much time do you need, Doug?

Definitely not till midnight. Ok.

Uh, come back at 9:00. 9:00 is good.

9:00?

Speedy Gonzales here.

Doug, it's 8:25. I know.

They're gonna be back at 9:00. I know that.

I'm obviously having a little problem here.

8:26.

I don't understand this. I've never had this problem before.

Actually, you have, honey.

Ok. That time doesn't count.

The mets had just lost the world series.

What are you so stressed about, anyway?

Nobody's home.

Y-your parents are out having a nice dinner with my dad.

Exactly. They're out, so I can be here having sex with you.

That's the entire purpose of the dinner!

Do you realize the pressure that puts on me?

(Carrie) Doug.

Doug, they're not even thinking about you.

They're probably obsessing

over how little they can leave the waiter.

Believe me, they're talking about us.

"So, you think they made us a grandchild yet,

or should we get some more coffee?"

"I don't know. Ask spooner."

"I invented coffee!"

It's 8:27.

It's 8:27!

Come on. Come on. Damn you!

Doug, that is not gonna help you relax.

[Whispers] Oh, damn you.

Doug, listen to me. Listen to me.

Just forget about everything, everyone, ok?

It's just you and me here.

Just come back to bed. Ok?

[Panting] Ok.

Ok.

Ok. All right.

Let me fluff up your pillow

the way you like it. All right? Okey-doke.

What was that?

No. It's done. It's done.

Oh, my God. It's my mother's pajamas!

Oh, my God! Mama's p.J.S.

All gone! All gone! Mama's p.J.S! No!

All gone! All gone! All gone!

Ok? All right. No--no--no.

Come back to bed. Come on.

This way, baby.

That's right. Come to mama.

Sorry. Bad choice of words.

All right. Now, listen to me, you.

You are the most wonderful man I've ever known.

And there's nothing I want more right now

than to make a baby with you.

The thing is, we only have 20 minutes.

Ok?

So help me help you.

[Whispering] Ok.

How's that?

Hmm, well, that's... That's good right there.

All right.

Now, you just think real sexy thoughts.

Ok. Like what?

Um, think of Alyssa Milano.

Huh? She's hot,

plus her last name's a cookie.

Ohhh, yeah. Ok.

Oh, that's good.

I know.

[Both moaning]

[Janet murmuring]

(Joe) Why can't we go in?

Hear something? Yeah.

What is that?

You know what? I--I--I don't know.

Where's it coming from?

(Joe) Why can't we go in?

(Janet) Because we're not supposed to be back

for another 25 minutes.

They're trying to make a baby.

(Joe) I'm freezing here!

(Janet) Then take a walk.

Or do you only like to do that when a pretty girl takes you?

(Arthur) Finally, someone had the guts to say it!

Shh!

We are just gonna stand here and wait here until 9:00

because that is what Dougie needs.

Meet you back here in a couple months.

You got it. Ok.

[Yelling] Carrie! I'm ready!

So, your whole family's back in Maine, huh?

Yep. All 13 of them.

I'm the only one not still working at the fish hatchery.

Fish hatchery, huh?

What is that, COD country up there?

Bluefish, mostly.

Don't worry, fellas.

He's just flavor of the month.

Flavor of the month.