Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

Oh, my God. Coffee now.

Hey. Hey, look what I got going here.

What?

I'm havin' my regular cocoa krispies,

but I'm cutting them

with the more sensible rice krispies.

And what do you get?

A healthier me.

Or you could just have a piece of fruit.

Fruit? Why the hell do you got to go there?

Sorry.

I'm in a bad mood 'cause of work.

Pruzan got his first big case as partner,

and he's gone off the deep end.

I mean, could you believe what time I got home?

Why, was it late?

It was 3:00 in the morning.

Don't you even know when I'm not there?

I got to be honest with you, car.

That comforter gets bunched up, you're easy to lose.

So, what's this big case you got, anyway?

It's actually kind of interesting.

We're representing the shareholders of this dot com

who claim management

ran the company into the ground.

The managers are trying to blame everybody else,

the distributors, the delivery services.

You're very far away right now, aren't ya?

I'm--I'm tryin' to listen.

You just got to give me a little more to hang on to.

Like--like instead of saying "shareholders,"

you could say "midgets."

I got to get going.

Don't forget. You got to meet me tonight at Danny and Spencer's.

They're having that housewarming party thing.

Oh, my God. Is that tonight?

You have to go. We promised.

They're counting on you to be the women.

All right. I'll see you there.

Wish me luck today.

Good luck.

[Sighs]

I need bacon.

Partners meeting in 5 minutes.

What did I do with the expert-witness list?

Carrie?

I'm sorry. Which list?

The list with the names of the expert witnesses.

Comprende English?

Pull it together, pruzan.

Pull it together.

It's ok-- it's ok. Here it is.

Expert-witness list.

Let's see.

We still need to book an inventory specialist,

a software engineer,

a delivery driver.

Carrie, your husband drives for I.P.S., right?

Uh-huh. Great.

Could you get him or one of his buddies

to come in and testify? Hmm?

Can you take care of that?

Um, o-ok.

That's my girl.

Hey, you better get to your meeting.

Right.

I don't look like I've been crying, do I?

No, you're good.

Ok.

Psycho.

Wow. Doug as a expert witness.

Doug. What do you think?

That'll be interesting.

Hey, nice party.

7 loser guys in an apartment with no heat.

Ok. Hey, would you quit complaining?

You know, I offered you a mug of hot cider,

and you punched me.

And I stand by that decision.

Look. Hey, look.

You got a plate of ribs hot off the grill.

Will that make you happy?

You just bought yourself 10 minutes.

♪[Music playing]

Hey, girl.

Girl in the house!

Hey.

Welcome to casa Danny y Spence.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, ok.

Hey.

Hello. Wow.

Could you guys crank up the heat a little bit?

Um, sorry. No can do.

Gas is broken,

and someone who's here all day

refuses to wait for the gasman.

Hey, I work the nightshift.

I need my sleep during the day.

I'm too sleepy to wake up

and answer the door.

Back off!

And back off now.

Hey, excuse me, I need to talk to Doug

about grown-up stuff. Excuse me.

Hold on. I got another one.

You can't fire me, Mr. slate,

'cause I quit!

[All laughing]

The bone phone. It's a bone phone.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, baby!

How was work?

Uh, good, good.

Actually, I need to talk to you about something.

Wait, do you need to talk to me or to

walrus Doug?

[Chuckling]

So, what'd you have to talk to me about, anyway?

You know what? Um, I'll be right back.

Hi.

Oh, hey, holly.

How was our boy's walk?

It was good.

He made snarly teeth at a water fountain.

It was very cute.

Snarly teeth. Grrr.

Hey, when he does that,

just hit him with a rolled-up newspaper.

So, what's up?

Middle of a conversation here.

It's--it's ok. I have to leave anyway.

Oh, well do you want to stay for the party or...

Party?

No, thanks. Ok, bye. See you.

See ya.

See ya later.

Stay away from her.

Well, if that's what you want,

I won't.

So, that's it.

It's one day of prep,

and one day for the deposition. Can you do it?

100 bucks an hour just to sit there and be an expert?

Yeah, I'll do it full-time.

Thank you.

So, what's the deal?

Doug run out of sick days?

Um, no. Actually, I--I--I didn't ask Doug.

Oh.

Oh, my God. I should ask Doug.

I'm gonna... No, you know what?

I'm gonna go with my gut,

and my gut says you.

So, what should I say to Doug?

Well, uh, I--I thought we can keep this between us.

Oh, my God. That sounds so evil.

Am I evil?

Do you want me to do this or not?

Yes. Yes. Definitely.

I have total faith in you. Yeah.

Hey, hon, I was thinkin'

you must be freezin' out here,

so I just got you that, all right?

Aw, thank you, honey. That was so sweet.

No problem.

So, what time do you want me--

I'm gonna use Doug.

How ya doin'? Doug heffernan, expert.

There she is. Lookin' good.

Hey, guy, how's that water workin' out for ya, huh?

Ok, honey, settle down.

You're an expert witness, not a casino greeter.

I'm just excited, you know?

I mean, look at us, husband and wife, workin' together.

We're like hart to hart here.

There's Mrs. h. She's gorgeous.

That's funny, honey. Lower your voice.

Why, what's up? Yeah, just listen.

Today is like a dry run, ok.

Pruzan's gonna take you through all the questions

that the other side might ask you when

they depose you, you got it?

I'm with ya.

Ok, let's go head on into the conference room.

Whoa! A little harassment.

Harassment!

Listen to me.

I am gonna ask you nicely. Stop it!

Yes, ma'am.

So?

What happens after the packages are loaded onto the truck?

Uh, that's a--a very good question.

An excellent question, actually.

I--I guess it... Could I get another juice?

[Sighing]

Thank you.

Uh, I--I guess in layman's terms,

uh, the delivery driver

would transport the aforementioned items,

uh, from the shipping party to the customer,

or shipee, as it were,

so to speak.

Just to clarify, you keep saying "aforementioned items."

I don't remember you mentioning any items before.

Um, I think he was referring to when

you mentioned them before, Mr. pruzan.

Yes, yes, exactly!

What she said, right there.

[Whispering]

Look at that. I always wanted to have a lawyer

whisper something in my ear.

Beg your pardon?

Uh, I'm just sayin', if I ever, you know,

had to appear in front of congress,

that's like the cool move, you know?

I'm sorry, what?

[Inaudible]

I don't recall.

Morning.

Ah, look, it's Mr. nightshift.

Hey, how is your job doin' monkey work in the dark?

Delightful.

Hmm.

Hey, is that my parka?

Yeah. Yeah, I wore it to bed.

Now it smells like me.

Gimme that back.

No. I'm smelling it up.

Give it to me, you lawn dwarf.

[Grunting]

Oh, my.

Hi, holly.

Oh, hey. How's it, uh, goin'?

Good, good.

I--I just came for Allen.

Oh, righto. I'll go get his leash.

Gosh, you guys have to keep it pretty brisk in here, huh?

Yeah. Well, actually, our gas is not working.

Hey, how would you like to do me a favor

and just spend the day here waiting for the gasman?

You know, I-I-I'd pay you.

It would be nice to earn some money

without having to scoop doodie.

I'm free Thursday if that's good for you.

I'll call the gas company.

Great. There he is!

Hello, buddy. Hello.

Come on. Oh, who's my boyfriend?

I think it's you.

I think you're my boyfriend.

Ok, guys, I'll see you later.

See you, holl.

Wh-what was that?

That was me being a man of action.

Emphasis on "man."

Hey, hey, hey.

I know your game, all right?

You get her in here.

She's waiting in the cold.

You're in your warm bed.

You're, "hey, holly, why don't you come and huddle with me

under the blankets? You're pretty."

Hey, hey. Look, look, look, look, look.

If that happens, it happens, ok?

Can't fight nature.

Oh, hey, hey, I can

if I take a personal day off of work

and keep her company while she's waiting.

You mean, while we're waiting.

Please, you will not be able to stay up

after working your night job.

I will after I take a fistful of prescription stimulants.

Hey, babycakes.

Hey.

Great working with you today.

Um, yeah.

Just wanna let you know when my expert-witness career takes off,

I'm not gonna trade you in for a trophy wife,

unless you really let yourself go.

So? They love me or what?

Huh?

How'd I do?

Um, you did pretty good.

Actually, now that you, uh, brought it up,

I do have a few thoughts.

Ooh, feedback! I love it. Bring it on.

Well, I was thinking, you might wanna

simplify your answers a little bit.

What do you mean?

"Aforementioned," "alleged package."

Use words where you're sure of their meaning.

Ok, I will take the aforementioned suggestion.

Which brings me to my 2nd point.

I don't think you should be uh, jokin' around as much.

Like when?

Like when you said to pruzan,

"you'd better be goin' somewhere with this, counselor."

Um, this is real life, not, law and order.

All right.

It won an emmy, but whatever.

Anything else?

Yeah, about lunch.

Lunch? I even messed up lunch?

Well, honey, did you happen to notice that everyone else

ordered sandwiches, and--and you ordered what?

Jambalaya.

A giant seafood stew

that came with an extra plate for your shells

for $31.

Well, then don't put it on the menu.

Look, I'm just trying to give you constructive criticism here.

Well, it's not constructive. It's stupid.

You're picking on the dumbest things.

They're not dumb things. They're real things that you need to work on.

You didn't even mention any of the good stuff I did.

And p.S., there was a whole sack of that.

Get over yourself. You get over myself. I'm doing you a favor.

Don't do me any favors.

Fine, then get somebody else.

I wanted someone else.

[Sighing] What do you mean?

I asked Deacon first, but then I thought, no, no, no,

no, no, I'll get my husband.

You went to Deacon first?

Mmm-hmm, that's right. I would've gone to you,

but you had a rib in your ear at the time.

Fine. Then you know what, then?

Go get your boyfriend Deacon to testify.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, and I'll expect you not to wander

to my side of the bed tonight.

Carrie.

I need you to cross-reference these files.

Also, I'm running very low on Xanax.

[Chuckling]

Which is weird, 'cause I could've sworn you were on top of that.

Ok, I-I'll call the pharmacy.

That'd be super.

Oh, m-Mr. pruzan, before I forget,

I-I wanna tell you not to worry.

I--I got you somebody else

to be your I.P.S. Witness instead of Doug.

Deacon Palmer. He's great.

What are you doin' to me here, car?

I just thought you might want somebody more professional.

What? The juries don't like that!

They like someone they can trust, like Doug.

He's real. He's an everyman.

Well, I just thought, the other day--

Carrie, don't you understand?

[Phone ringing]

This case is a dog. It's a loser.

The other partners were just waiting for me to choke,

and now I am. I'm choking, Carrie.

And it's your painted fingers around my neck.

Now, just get me back your husband!

Ok.

Ok.

Hey, car.

I just picked up some toys for the kids.

$100 an hour buys--

I'm gonna use Doug.

Hey, sweetie.

[Fans cheering on t.V.]

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Good to be home with my man.

I missed you today. Got used to working with you,

and then all of a sudden, you weren't there.

I was, like, hey! Where's Mr. h?

He's gorgeous.

I thought I used big words and ate too much shellfish?

No, no, honey. You know what?

I did some soul-searching,

and I realized none of that stuff matters.

You matter. We matter.

Oh. Well, thanks for sayin' that.

Hmm.

So,

you gonna come back and be my little expert witness?

No, I don't think it's a great idea, us to be working together,

you know? Let's just let it go.

No, come on. Do it. It'll be fun. Do it.

[Chuckling] I don't wanna.

Yeah, you do. Come on. Do it.

I'm not gonna do it. Do it.

Do it!

What the hell is your problem?

Ok, here's the deal.

Pruzan wants you back.

What?

Yeah, he loved you, all right?

Apparently, you're an "everyman."

The juries eat that up.

Huh!

Hah!

Well, isn't that interesting?

Your boss loves me.

Your boss wants me back.

Well, looks like someone didn't do

any soul-searching after all. Come on.

I knew it was perfectly acceptable

to order jambalaya.

Ok, you know what? You're right.

You're absolutely right. I am sorry.

So, l-look, I'll make it up to you.

Name it. What is it?

Strip.

What?

That's right, a little striptease.

Off-y clothes-y.

You just pulled that out of your hat?

Oh, no, no. I've been savin' this one for a rainy day,

and it's pouring, sister.

Well, can't I just melt some cheese on somethin' for ya?

If that's part of your act, sure.

Ok.

Ok.

[Doug clears throat]

[Fans continue cheering]

[Carrie sighs]

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this without music.

Ok, fine.

♪[Music from the Andy Griffith show playing]

Come on.

Oh, fine. Let's find something here.

All right. How about that?

♪[Music playing]

[Snarls]

[Snarling]

Oh, God!

What?

Nail in the eye! Nail in the eye!

I'm sorry. Are you ok? Are you ok?

I'm fine, ok?

Look, nice try. Just keep your day job.

All right.

So, are you gonna do this for me?

Yeah, fine. I'll do it, ok?

Oh, thank you, honey. You are the best.

Yeah, yeah, I'm the best, all right?

I'll see you Wednesday.

Wait, no, it's Thursday.

Thursday? I can't do it Thursday.

I'm workin' a double route.

Doug, when this whole thing started,

I specifically told you to keep midweek open.

Yeah, midweek is Wednesday.

No, midweek is Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok, you use that logic, you gotta include Tuesday.

Where does it end?

All right, Doug. Would you-- would you just do this?

I'm sorry. What do you want from me? I can't.

Oh, my God. I am totally screwed.

Well, I'm sorry.

Wanna go to a strip club?

Ok, um, I have a question.

Um, what am I doing here exactly?

Duh! You're waitin' for the gasman.

Hello?

Well, actually, you both are waiting for the gasman,

and--and this is starting to feel...

And I don't want to say creepy and weird,

but... no, actually, that's the best way to describe it,

so I'm just gonna go.

Well, if she's gonna go, then I'm goin' back to work.

If you go, then I'm goin' to bed.

Well, if you go to bed,

there'll be no one here to wait for the gasman.

Oh, but you're paying me.

So, if you both go, I'll just stay.

Well, if you're gonna stay,

then I'm not goin' back to work.

Well, if you stay, then I'm not goin' to bed.

Ok.

[Sighs]

Ok, here's your water.

And I just wanna thank you again

for bailing me out.

I know I've gone back and forth on you once or twice.

3 times. Right, right.

Ok. So, this is it, the big deposition.

D-day.

The important thing is, just be yourself, an everyman.

Just--just be real.

Am I not being real right now?

No, no, no. You're being very real.

You're being very real. Just keep it up.

I'm gonna go check and see where they're at. All right?

I'll be right back.

Hey!

Hey, honey.

What are you doing here?

I got a guy to take my 2nd route.

I did have to promise him I'd do his Christmas shift

and name our first kid after him.

How do you feel about umberto heffernan?

You did this for me?

Well, look, you needed an expert witness.

Well, witness your expert

witness.

Look at you.

You're in uniform and everything.

You look so friggin' real.

[Deacon clears throat]

I'm a person.

Yes, you are.

I--I didn't come to you. You came to me.

I did. I did. I came to you.

Don't ever come to me again.

I won't.

[Sighing]

[Phone ringing]

See you at work, guy.

Uh, 2-minute warning, Carrie.

Oh, ok. Thank you.

All right, honey.

You're gonna be great.

Sorry you had to go through all this craziness,

but I'm really glad you're doin' this.

Let's light this candle.

All right, I think we're about ready to get started here.

Have a seat.

Please state your name and occupation.

Uh, Douglas Steven heffernan.

I deliver for international parcel service.

Mr. heffernan,

is it your opinion that the average driver

makes on-time delivery their top priority?

Yes.

No further questions.

There you go. That's my home number and my e-mail.

Great.

You know what? I'm--I'm off right now.

Do you wanna go get something to eat?

Yeah, I'd--I'd love that.

Ok. Bye, guys.

Enjoy your gas.

Ugh!

These things are brutal when they wear off.

Hey, I get 2 refills. Cool.