Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensborough bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

(Stewardess) We're beginning our final descent into laguardia.

Please make sure your seat belts are fastened

and your seat back and tray tables

are in their full, upright positions,

and discontinue the use of any electronic devices

you may have brought onboard.

Honey.

Huh?

We're landing, and you couldn't have more to do.

Oh, right.

[Sighing]

I, uh...

Is there, like...

Wow.

You like the way daddy throws away his trash, huh?

No, that's for being such a sweetie this weekend.

Ah, it wasn't so bad.

Oh, come on. Give yourself some credit.

You spent 2 whole days with my old high-school friend

and her new baby.

It's called "doin' the right thing," Carrie.

Some of us still believe in that.

Oh, and by the way, I was checkin' out the clothes they had on that baby.

Couldn't look more comfortable.

Yeah, that fleece ducky thing was cute, right?

No, no, no. You're missing the point.

I want that for me.

Oh, look. We're almost on the ground.

Hmm.

[Thudding]

[Tires screeching]

[P.A. System beeping]

(Stewardess) As you probably noticed,

we had a little bump on our landing there.

Obviously, we're on the ground,

and there's no need for oxygen.

We'll be at the gate in just a moment.

So, uh, how was your flight?

Oh, it was good.

Wasn't it good, carr?

Uh-huh.

It was good, wasn't it?

Anyway, enough about the heffernans.

What's goin' on in spencylvania?

(Spence) Actually, uh,

my landlord says she's gonna raise my rent again.

I've probably gotta find a new place.

Oh, man. That old lady is an ass.

They're jackin' up his rent. You hear that, hon?

Yes. I'm 2 feet away.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, my cousin Danny's got a 2-bedroom in sunnyside.

I think he might be lookin' for a roommate.

Oh, yeah? I might be interested.

You think you could, uh, arrange a sit-down?

Consider yourself sat.

Uh, Carrie, are you getting enough air back there?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Thanks, Spence.

How about you, Doug? Enough air?

Ooh, doin' some unpackin'.

Here, I'll just put my socks in the drawer.

That's a funny word, drawer.

It's one of those words,

more than one syllable but not quite 2.

You say "drawer," you think you're done, but no.

You still got an "er" left to say.

[Laughing]

Mirror. Another one.

It's crazy some of the words they have.

Come on, I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, you didn't do anything wrong?

Oh, ok, so I guess what you did right

was grab the only oxygen mask,

sucked on it like it was a beer tap,

and didn't give a crap about me.

Yeah, that was 5 seconds of glory right there.

You are way outta line.

Oh, yeah? How's that? How's that?

How's that? I'll tell you how's that.

Can I finish?

I am not talking.

I was only getting my oxygen first

so I'd be strong enough to save you.

Yeah, you know you're supposed to do that?

You're supposed to put your own mask on first?

You'd know that if you were paying attention to the safety instructions

instead of reading your Elle magazine.

Yeah, truth hurts a little, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'd better take a long, hard look at myself.

It was just a stupid thing that happened.

I mean, and the point is, we were on the ground. There wasn't even any danger.

That's even more pathetic.

What are you gonna do when there is real danger,

eat me for nourishment?

I would never do that.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

Oh, you think I'd eat you?

Well, I didn't think that yesterday,

but now I'm thinkin', 2 hours in a lifeboat,

you'd be gnawing at my hip with land in sight.

You know what? I'm always wrong. You're always right.

That's how our arguments go.

No, not always, but this time,

you betcha.

All right, you're right. You know what? I saved myself,

but you know what, it's instinct, ok? This is the way people are.

Doug, no. I'm sorry.

It's the way you are, ok?

There are some people

that would risk their lives for someone they loved.

Oh, would they?

Ok, well, tell me this, Carrie.

Honestly, if I was in danger,

really, really in danger,

would you risk your life to protect me?

Would you take a bullet for me?

In a heartbeat.

Well, we'll just see about that.

So, Doug says you got a pretty sweet place.

Yeah, yeah. It's 2-bedroom, big kitchen.

I got it when I was, uh, married.

Thought I'd be starting a family.

Dodged that bullet!

Right.

Hey, hey, I hear ya.

Uh, well, I have till the 30th to get out of my place,

and, you know, I can-- I can move in anytime before then.

Yeah, ok.

So, what does Spence olchin bring to the party?

What?

Well, I--I--I know what I bring, you know,

a bitchin' apartment.

[Laughing]

But what about you, Spence olchin? Go.

So the oxygen masks fall,

and now she's all mad at me 'cause I didn't help her.

Bam! 5-zip.

Man, I'm just giving you a prison pounding today.

She's acting all crazy, right? I mean...

Yeah, I mean, what, she couldn't put her mask on herself?

Actually, hers never came down.

Oh, that is pretty bad.

And you know what else is bad?

[Grunts] My ball in your goal.

How about I spot you 5 points, make it a contest, huh?

Spot me 5 points? How about I give you 5 points right now?

Then I've won.

I need beer.

I don't take a long time in the bathroom.

Uh, I've never been in trouble with the law.

And if, uh-- hey, if you're interested in tai chi,

I could lead us in the morning.

Right. Well, listen, Spence,

I--I think I got all the info I need.

Ah.

What's a good move in day, 'cause I'm--I'm wide open?

[Chuckles]

You're gettin' a little ahead of yourself there, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, y-you're definitely in the running,

but there are a few other interested candidates.

All right, I have to give notice at my place,

so I kinda need to know right now.

Well, I can't tell you right now.

Well, I--I need to know right now.

If that's the case,

afraid I gotta give you a big, fat no.

Well, o-ok. You know, fine. Fine.

God, this was a good waste of my time.

Well, back off, all right?

I--I just took this meeting as a courtesy to Doug.

Oh, yeah? Well, me, too.

Hey, Doug, thanks for nothing.

Women, you know? One day they're whining about their equal rights

and their women's lib, and then

suddenly they want to be saved and protected.

I mean, what do these women want?

I don't know, except I'm pretty sure they all want oxygen.

Look, I'm not hanging out with you

so you can tell me how much I suck, ok? I can get that at home.

So why'd you tell me the story at all?

I told you so you could tell me I did nothing wrong.

Oh, then tell me a different story.

Hey, it's real easy for you to judge from here, you know,

but if you were on that plane,

you would've been kissing that mask just like I was.

I don't think so, guy.

Oh, you're such a hero. What have you ever done?

[Sighing]

I saved somebody one time.

You saved someone? Yeah, like, when?

I was driving back from college,

there was this big accident on the road,

and I pulled this old guy out of a burning car.

Yeah, right.

That's how I got this scar on my leg.

Ooh, I got a foot-long scar on my leg

from savin' a stranger. And I went to college.

Get over yourself.

How about that patio, huh? What's up?

[Shouting] What's up?

Yeah, it's great.

Hey, hey, you can set up your amp over here,

and if your band wants to come over and jam,

that's cool. I've been known to get down a little myself.

So, you got any questions?

Yeah, uh, rent's $700?

Uh-huh.

And you're definitely staying?

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, I'll get back to you.

All right.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

(Danny) Spencie. It's Danny heffernan.

Listen, given a little thought to the whole roommate deal,

and, uh, you know, I liked your passion the other night.

You got fire in your belly, buddy.

Listen, I'm thinkin' Spence olchin

might be an interesting way to go.

Oh, no can do.

What?

Yeah. The thing is

I went down to the city college housing center,

and I found myself another place.

Spence. Oh, hold on.

What is it, sweetie?

I can't figure out which shirt to wear.

Do you like this one or this one?

Hmm. Neither.

Oh, you're so mean.

[Spence laughs]

Oh, man, I'm sorry about that.

That was my roommate, Elena.

She's a very free-spirited

Brazilian exchange student,

and I was helping her get dressed.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

S-so then, you're--you're giving me a no, then?

Yeah. A big, fat one.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh. Got to go.

I think some more of her equally full-lipped friends are here.

[Imitates gun firing]

Hey, ladies, come on in. Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hey, uh, who wants to curl up on the couch with me

and watch jag, huh?

(Elena) Hello.

[Speaking portuguese]

I can't decide. Which one do you like?

Oh, that one.

Ah!

Wait. You're going to change in front on him?

Oh, he's just Spence.

Doug, can you, uh, pass the salt?

Doug? Salt.

Summer of 1993.

What? I saved you.

Yeah, you remember?

We--we had just started dating,

and I-- and I took you to the forest hills mini-golf.

And it was, like, midnight,

and 2 big guys came out of nowhere,

and they-- and they started making some rude comments

about your breastesses.

Well, I got right in their face, and I said:

"Hey, the lady's with me, so back off, ok?

You guys got a problem with that?"

That's what I did. Yeah.

So, you know what?

You can just stop with your disappointed sighs

and your burglar alarm brochures.

'Cause you know what? It turns out when there's real danger,

this kid comes to play.

You've never taken me to forest hills mini-golf.

What?

I've never been to forest hills mini-golf.

Really?

Oh, wait a sec. That--that was Amy.

She was ugly.

And, uh, wasn't she a cop?

She was.

You better let this go, Doug.

No, look, I know I did stuff, ok?

Ok, hey, what about the time

you told off that girl in the yogurt shop?

You remember? And then you left without your purse?

I had to go back in there.

And believe me, I had to deal with some very nasty looks.

Are you done with your plate?

All right, look, maybe I never saved you,

but here's something I never told you. What?

I once pulled an old man from a burning car.

That was Deacon.

Yes, it was.

What do you-- what do you want me to do here?

I don't want you to do anything.

I'm sorry, ok? I--I--I did a horrible thing,

but h-h-how can I fix this?

Doug, listen to me, all right?

I still love you, and--and we'll get through this.

It's just that, you know,

something can happen in a split second

that changes the way you look at the person forever,

and there's nothing you can do to fix that.

[Sighs]

[Crockery clinking]

I changed the way you look at me forever?

Yeah, a--a little.

Oh, God.

Do you, um,

d-do you want some pudding?

No pudding.

No pudding?

[Whispering] No pudding.

Hey, Spence.

How was your date?

Oh, it was awful.

Why are the good-looking guys such jerks?

Couldn't tell you.

Will you rub my temples?

Sure.

Ooh, that feels great.

My mother used to do this.

In many ways, you remind me of her.

You know what?

I'm done with men. Friday is girls' night out.

Would you like to come?

Uh, uh, no, no. You know, I can't come,

because, in spite of what you might think,

I'm not a girl, ok?

I'm a heterosexual man

with all the wants and desires of such a man,

so stop telling me about your dates

and--and walking around here half-naked,

and--and no more lotions, all right?

I am dangerous!

You're so cute.

Oh, God, you make me feel so bad!

I just saw my gynecologist buying nachos.

How weird is that?

I brought you some whoppers.

No whoppers.

Doug, come on. You have to start eating sugar again.

Your body's gonna go into shock.

I changed the way you look at me forever.

No, you didn't.

You're lookin' at me different right now. No, I'm not.

You are. Used to be, when I walked in a room,

your face would light up like a little kid in a candy store.

Ok, that didn't happen.

Listen to me, the other day, I was upset, ok?

I went a little too far.

I didn't mean to change your life here.

I don't want our lives to change, either.

Ok. See,

you want to really know what I see when I look at you?

What?

I see a great, caring guy

that I love very much,

and that's all that matters.

So let's just move past this.

I'll take my whoppers now.

[Movie playing]

(Narrator onscreen) What if they told you

the one person you loved most

never even was?

(Jack) I'm joining my wife. She checked in yesterday.

(Receptionist) I'm afraid there's no record of her arrival.

But I spoke to her this morning.

She's in room 1250.

Sir, we have no room 1250.

(Narrator) What would you risk?

How far would you go to find her?

If you're Jack Langston, you're unstoppable.

[Tires screeching]

[Car engine revving]

[Tires screeching]

(Man) Where are you going?

The dam's gonna break any second!

(Jack) My wife's up there, damn it!

Take my hand!

(Woman) No!

Take it!

Save yourself, Jack!

What kind of a man do you think I am?

Hey, hey.

Honey, what are you doin'?

You know, you brought me here on purpose.

You knew that preview would be playin'.

Yeah, actually, you know what? It's not even a real movie.

Nicholas cage and I just got together to zetz ya.

Come on. You're acting crazy, sweetie.

I told you. You're a loving and caring guy,

and I mean that.

No. No, no, you want Jack Langston.

Well, I'm not Jack Langston, and I never will be.

Look, what happened, happened.

I am over it now.

No, you're not!

Would you listen to me?

I was upset. We talked about it.

I'm over it now.

Could we please friggin' drop it?

Carrie!

Wha--

ow!

What are you doing?

I was saving you from that bus.

What bus?

[Sighs]

Where are we at here, Doug?

Does it sting? No. That's good.

Yeah, it's great. I've moved on from not saving you

to actively hurting you.

That's not true. I mean, in that moment,

you really thought I was gonna get run over by that bus.

I did. I just wish the bus had been a little closer.

So do I, honey.

So do I.

But I'll tell you somethin'.

If anything ever happens again where you are in real danger,

I just want you to know, I got your back.

I know you do.

You know what?

I think I'm ready for that pudding now.

Uh, actually, honey, there's--there's--

there's no more pudding.

No more pudding?

Sorry, honey.

No pudding.

Room's all ready.

Thanks.

I brought a rice maker.

Cool.

I think we're in for quite a ride.

Yeah, he just packed up his stuff,

said goodbye, and ran out the door.

I know Spence was just this little guy,

but he was funny

and nice and really cute.

You know, I think,

I think I was falling in love with him,

but, oh, well...

You know, I went shopping today. I bought this...