Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

Hey, you know what they ought to bring back?

Old-fashioned nurses.

You know, the ones with really big breasts

and low-cut uniforms.

My father is about to have heart surgery.

And don't you think he'd like to wake up

with a nice big pair of bosoms in his face?

[Sighs]

Come here. Look,

it's not even real heart surgery.

It's angioplasty.

Come on, let's read the pamphlet

Dr. Davis gave you.

No. It's stupid. It's not.

It's about a little cartoon character

named Angie o'plasty.

That worked out well, didn't it?

Yeah, 'cause you meet a lot of people named o'plasty.

Oh, come on.

She's a little heart with a bow in her hair.

She's adorable.

If I were a little boy heart,

I'd--I'd take a run at her.

Just read. Ok, all right.

"Come along for a tour of the heart

"with your special guide, Angie o' plasty.

First stop, the groin."

Whoa.

Wasn't expectin' that.

Ok, let's see.

But, th-the-the... Look, it's simple.

They send a balloon into his heart vessel

and blow it up. It's fun.

It's like a-- it's like a birthday party.

Maybe they can make it into a poodle.

[Imitating poodle]

He's gonna be ok, right?

Yes, he's gonna be fine.

Look, he's gonna be better than fine.

He's gonna be great.

Could you float me a buck?

What?

I'm kind of hungry.

That's a chipwich machine.

I think you know where this is goin'.

I used all my singles for parking.

Come on. All I got is a $100 bill.

All right, you know what?

You work on your little problem over there,

and I'm gonna go ask the doctor a few more questions

I won't understand the answers to.

[Man on p.A. System] Blue team to I.C.U., please.

Blue team, I.C.U.

Hey. I know you.

[Chuckling] You deliver for I.P.S., right?

Yeah.

You don't recognize me, do you?

Here, maybe this will help you.

[Clears throat]

Huh.

S-s-still not gettin' it.

I'm lookin' through a peephole, guy.

[Chuckling] Oh. Oh, ok.

Come on, you deliver to me all the time.

225 jewel Avenue.

Oh, wait a second.

I can-- I can see the name on the package.

F. Moynihan.

You got it.

Oh, man. Hey!

Hey.

Can I tell you something?

You're great.

Uh, I am?

Well, I mean, when you deliver,

you're a pleasure to deal with.

I mean, you enjoy your job, and--and it shows.

Wow. Well, thanks,

f.

So, what are you-- what are you in for?

Oh, I got a little, uh, tummy trouble.

Just in for a little checkup.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Hey, speakin' of tummies,

I'm tryin' to get a chipwich.

Any, uh, chance you got change of a $100?

You know somethin'?

This is on me.

Really?

(Moynihan) You betcha.

Oh, wow, man. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

And you know what?

If you ever need anything,

here is my card.

Wow. Jeez, you guys get your own cards, huh?

Yeah, we're not really sure why.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe for situations just like this.

[Laughing]

Well, for all the deliveries you brought to me,

allow me to deliver this to you.

Hey, where do I sign?

[Both laughing]

Delightful.

(Both) Hey!

Daddy, you look great.

Hey, who's up for a little angioplasty?

Hey, got a taker right here.

I think you've dislodged my I.V.

Be a love and try to find it

before I expire.

Dad, come on. You're gonna be fine.

So, you ok? You need anything?

Actually, could you stop home

and pick up my sleep mask?

Sure. Where is it?

I'm not sure. I haven't used it in a while,

since you've got me sleeping

in a windowless basement.

We'll find it.

Also, and this is important,

when I'm under,

please see to it they don't circumcise me.

They're not gonna circumcise you.

Excuse me,

what is the name of this hospital?

[Sighs]

Forest hills jewish.

Enough said.

Excuse me, kids,

I just need to do some prep work on your dad.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Dad, listen to me.

I know you're a little scared,

but you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna live a very long time with us

in our home.

Apparently, it's what God intended.

Ok?

Ok. All right.

[Woman chattering on p.A. System]

All righty, we'll see you later, ok?

(Carrie) His sleep mask isn't here.

Can't we just give him some duct tape?

Honey, could you look up there?

I got to tell ya, car, I'm still a little rattled

by what I found in that cigar box.

All right, come on. Shake it off.

Look up there.

All right.

Ok, uh, I'm touching something moist,

and hand coming down now.

Ooh, look--look, there's a box right there.

Bring that box down. Right there.

[Grunting]

Oh, God, the whole box is moist, too.

What's this?

What is it?

Look at this.

This is a scrapbook of all my old stuff.

Look at that.

My--my finger paintings, my report cards.

I can't believe he kept all this stuff.

Ok, now I really want him to live.

This crap is not comin' off my finger.

Oh, look, my first-grade picture.

Look at my pigtails.

Woof.

Looks like you had a bad case of mono-nucle-ugly.

I just made that up this second, I swear.

I can't believe it.

I almost want to cry.

Wait a second.

What is this?

(Doug) What?

It's an acceptance letter from Florida state.

I didn't know you got into Florida state.

Neither did I. I never saw this before.

What do you mean?

I mean I never saw this letter before.

I applied. I really wanted to go.

I never heard back.

I--I just assumed they--they rejected me

like every other college,

and that beauty school.

He must've hid this from me.

Why would he do that?

I don't know. I don't know.

Look at this.

It's a pros and cons list

about whether I should go or not.

"Pro: Better life for her.

Con: Worse life for me."

Well, that's good.

That-that's some great parenting right there.

"Pro: Sunshine.

Con: Burt Reynolds dinner theater."

This is crazy.

Actually, my parents saw Evita there

and loved it.

Now I-if I would've gone to this school,

I--I could've gotten a degree.

I could've gotten out of queens.

My whole life would have been different.

Well, your life turned out ok, didn't it?

Huh? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am gonna kill him.

I am gonna go down to that hospital right now,

and I'm gonna kill him.

Would you take it easy?

Look, you have every right to be mad,

but he's going in for heart surgery, ok?

So you can't do anything about it now.

But I'm gonna-- shh.

Kill. Shh.

More importantly, we got to think about other things.

Like what the hell is on my finger?

Hey, we're back. How ya doin'?

I'm pretty sure they drugged me.

You're goin' in for surgery.

They're supposed to drug you.

You are one dumb bunny.

Here you go.

Brought you your sleep mask and some clean pajamas.

[Cell-phone ringing]

Yeah, hello?

Uh-huh.

Ok, sure.

You know what? They need me down at admitting.

Must be about billing or somethin'.

I'll go. What?

No, I can take care of it.

Oh, honey.

Don't leave me alone with him, ok?

I might-- I might hurt him.

Come on. I'm serious.

I could pull a rubber glove over his head.

You see? I already have a plan.

You're gonna be fine.

No!

What, no magazines?

[Chuckling]

You didn't ask for magazines.

Didn't realize I had to ask for the obvious.

Sorry.

Are you Mr. heffernan?

Uh, yeah.

Please, please, have a seat.

Ok.

[Woman chattering on p.A. System]

My name is Dr. berger.

Mmm-hmm.

How are ya?

I'm afraid that Mr. moynihan's condition

I-is quite a bit more serious

than we first thought.

M-Mr. m-moynihan? F. Moynihan?

Yes--yes.

You see, he has a volvulus,

which in layman's terms is a twisted colon.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Now, I'm afraid that we're gonna have to perform

emergency surgery on him immediately.

Mmm.

And why are you telling me this exactly?

Well, you are Mr. moynihan's emergency contact.

Now, we haven't broken the news to him yet.

We-- well, we feel it's best

for a loved one to be present.

No, the thing is, uh--

hey!

Did you happen to see

the best I.P.S. Guy in the world?

[Groaning]

[Monitor beeping]

Mr. spooner,

we're about ready for your procedure.

They'll be in, in a few minutes to wheel you down.

Ok. Thank you.

Darling, can you say a few words with me?

Hmm?

I'm about to have heart surgery.

I figure it can't hurt

to talk to the man upstairs.

Oh. Ok.

Just so you understand,

"man upstairs" is a euphemism for God.

I know. I just didn't want you

running upstairs lookin' for some other man.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

Dear God,

please help me get through my heart procedure,

and please make sure they don't circumcise me.

Special emphasis on the latter.

Amen.

Amen.

[Sighs]

Uh, dad, since you're prayin',

now may be a good time to confess anything

that may be bothering you.

Anything you think you've done wrong.

[Monitor beeping]

Mmm, no.

No?

'Cause I was thinkin',

oh, I don't know, um,

anything that you did in world war ii,

or, say, when I was a senior in high school?

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

That boy you liked, Dennis paretto?

He called you once,

and I never told you about it.

What?

He burped into the phone.

He claimed it was an accident.

I didn't buy it.

Dennis paretto?

The guy I was in love with for, like, 3 years.

He called, and you didn't tell me?

I'm terribly sorry.

Thank you for making me

clear my conscience, sweetheart.

I feel much better now.

Glad I can help.

Ok, now here's what I don't like.

You see the way

the colon sort of twists around itself?

Not really.

Well, you see it there, Doug?

Not really. No.

Well, the good news is,

I think we caught it early enough.

Anyway, I'll give you two a few minutes alone.

Uh. Uh.

[Sighing]

[Sighing]

Twisted colon.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Hey, twisty!

So you put me down as your emergency contact, huh?

Yeah, I got your number off the card you gave me.

I didn't think they'd have to use it.

Oh! Whoa!

Wow, that is twisted.

Um,

I, uh,

I--I really gotta get goin', 'cause, my, uh,

father-in-law has got a thing of his own.

Ok. Bye, Doug.

God bless you.

Uh, is there anyone

you want me to call for you? Or...

No. You're my emergency contact.

There is nobody else.

Pretty pathetic, huh?

No, no. I mean,

I'll tell you who has a rough time

gettin' emergency contacts.

Amish people. No phones, huh?

Uh, amish people have phones.

I don't think they do.

Well, even if they don't have phones,

let me tell you what they do have.

They have family and friends that love 'em.

Hey, not necessarily.

I bet you there are some very nasty amish people out there.

Doug, I appreciate what you're trying to do for me here,

but I think we both know that amish people

are pretty great.

Well, so are you.

[Scoffs]

Hey, Doug?

Can we go hold the pre-mies?

I'm--I'm sorry?

The premature babies down in the nursery.

The human contact helps them grow and...

Well, I think connecting with life in that way

might make me feel a whole lot better.

Plus, they smell really good.

Uh, I--I--I can't, 'cause I--I have a thing

I gotta run to. My father-in-law, so...

Hey--hey, you--you enjoyed the chipwich

that I got you, right?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, good, good. You know what?

L-let me pay you back for that.

Oh, no, come on.

No, I owe you a dollar.

No, you do not owe me anything.

Uh, there you go. We are all square,

so now nobody owes anybody anything, ok?

And this is so not a big deal.

Nice picture, though, huh?

I should have got that guy for my wedding.

Ok, take care now. Hey, twisty!

Dennis paretto.

How could my father not have told me

that Dennis paretto called?

I don't know.

I really liked him.

He was-- he was really nice,

very good-looking,

and you know what he does now?

He owns a chain of very successful dry-cleaning stores.

All right, you know what, Carrie?

This is really startin' to hurt.

Uh, this is not about you, ok?

Well, it's annoying, Carrie.

Now you're running off to Florida,

you're married to a guy named Dennis.

I'm just not sure where I fit in.

Oh, you fit in. You fit in just fine.

Oh, but then

he's got me furious at him

at the very moment I should be feeling

love and kindness!

All right, I just gotta get back to a loving place.

I just gotta picture him lying there,

weak and helpless,

going through the most traumatic experience of his life.

[Woman chattering on p.A. System]

I got nothin'. I'm dead inside.

You know what might help? A chipwich.

I don't want a chipwich.

Look, you want a chipwich.

And more importantly, I want a chipwich.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, no. I think I accidentally gave my $100 to f. Moynihan

when I was payin' him back.

Who?

The guy who bought me a chipwich before. Crap!

Wait a second.

His surgery was scheduled for 3:00.

He should be out soon.

[Sighs]

[People chattering]

God, the waiting is unbearable!

Mrs. heffernan?

Yes. Hi. So?

Your dad did great.

In fact, there was less blockage than we thought.

Ok.

He's resting now,

so you can go see him if you like.

Ok, thanks again. That's good.

All right. Come on, honey.

You know what? I-I'll be right there.

Ok.

[Woman chattering on p.A. System]

Uh, Dr. berger?

Oh. Well, hello, Doug.

How's he doin'?

The operation went well.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Can I see him?

Yes. Now, you should know

that we did find a perforation of the bowel,

which we've taken care of,

but, of course,

there's always a chance of infection.

Now, do you have any questions?

Uh-huh.

Are his pants with him?

Hi.

Hi. These just came for him

"from the boys down at the senior center."

[Carrie whispering] Ok. Thank you.

[Monitor beeping]

You see?

You see what I'm doing here?

I--I threw out your flowers.

I shouldn't do that.

Those came for you.

But you know what?

That acceptance letter from Florida state

came for me.

Dennis paretto called for me.

So it actually felt really good

to throw out your flowers.

It felt

really good.

What else you got goin' on here?

Let's see. Ooh.

Rice pudding.

Oh, you love rice pudding.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Delicious.

You don't know what you're missing.

Mmm. Yeah, baby.

Ok, this is putrid.

Do you see what you got me doing here?

I am throwing out your flowers

and eating old-people food just so you can't have it.

That's how much I hate you. That's how much.

[Sustained beep]

Oh, my God.

Daddy?

It's ok, sweetheart.

That happens sometimes when we first plug it in.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

And, uh, all the balloons.

[Snoring]

[Continues snoring]

[Coins clinking]

Doug?

Are you robbing me?

No. No, I was just, uh,

feeling your pants.

What are these, denim?

Yes, they are.

So, can we hold the pre-mies now?

Sh--sh-sure, buddy, we can--

we can go hold the pre-mies.

Great.

First help me go to the bathroom?

Carrie?

Hey.

You're fine.

Everything went great.

Wonderful.

[Sighs]

Is all this for me?

Yep.

All for you.

Wow.

Actually, I'm just happy you're here.

I was a little afraid of waking up alone.

Well, you're not alone.

Thank you, darling.

[Sighs]

That's the view I'm lookin' for.

♪ What a dream I had

♪ pressed in organdy

♪ clothed in crinoline

♪ of smoky burgundy

♪ softer than the rain

♪ I wandered empty streets

♪ down past the shop displays ♪

♪ I heard cathedral bells

♪ tripping down the alleyways ♪

♪ oh, I love you, girl