Original subtitles

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

She's Ieft me for another man.

That's impossibIe.

I'm a poIiceman, son, and the evidence is aII too cIear.

An answerphone message, two empty wine gIasses...

and now this.

(Joyce) ''My darling Jeremy,

''l must go away for a while but please remember that l love you always.

''Look after Bill. Love, your everlasting poppet, Joyce.''

Doesn't actuaIIy mention anyone eIse.

I couId smeII him when I waIked in the house.

- SmeII him? - He's a cheese importer, BiII.

A French cheese importer.

I aIways knew Mum Iiked France but this...

I couId have been more cheese orientated if she'd wanted.

Don't worry, Dad. We'II get her back.

Good morning, Joyce.

AII of you, put your hands up.

I brought you decaf. Is that OK?

You don't reaIIy think I'd Ieave a Ioaded gun in the boot with a trained assassin, do you?

I've toId you a hundred times, I'm a poIice inspector's wife, not an assassin.

TeII me something, does your husband reaIIy have no idea what you do?

I am so excited.

Me too, Margaret. Me too.

The premier wiIdIife protection event of the LittIe Stempington caIendar,

organised and hosted by me.

Mm. Doesn't get more gIamorous than that.

And it Iooks Iike the stars have come out in force to donate too.

I hope your reIationship with CamiIIa Diamond is a strong one, Joyce,

because, if not...this may be the Iast phone caII you ever make.

CamiIIa Diamond.

Oh, heIIo, Joyce.

He's about to kiII you?

Oh, no, that is such a shame.

I'd Iove to be abIe to heIp but I'm afraid I'm descaIing the kettIe.

She says she hasn't got it.

What the fuck is it with you women?

- Are you going to kiII me now? - Not untiI I get my fucking money.

- Your mum's a reaI dark horse. - What do you mean?

I aIways thought she was a bit of a frump but this is just out there.

- She just isn't herseIf. - What if she reaIIy is herseIf, BiII?

What if this French guy's tapped into her G-spot?

Whatever you're trying to say, it isn't heIping.

Maybe you shouId just Ieave me to find her on my own.

No way.

This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in ages.

EmiIe, how nice to hear from you again.

How's that IittIe Ieg of yours?

The money? Yes. I'm afraid I haven't got it but I may know somebody who does.

The viIIage haII?

You think I'm stupid enough to waIk into another trap?

I'II see you there at 2pm.

Try not to be Iate.

Greenhouse emissions, Iadies and gentIemen,

aren't the onIy thing that kiII migrating birds and badgers.

It's Iow-cost, singIe-toiIet housing with aII the associated fast-food outIets

and teenage pregnancy that's aIso to bIame for wiping out our wiIdIife friends.

So when you see Dame Judy Dench's snooker cue come up for auction,

don't just think of it as buying a piece of theatricaI history,

think of it as preventing an otter from choking on a housing benefit cheque.

I want that French Freddy Krueger turned into gazpacho when he shows up.

I had a feeIing today was going to be something speciaI.

What if he's got heavy-duty backup?

Then the LittIe Stempington street cIeaning unit is going to be getting some overtime.

When I get hoId of this bIoke, I'II kick his head in.

- What if he's a midget? - He shouIdn't have run off with my mum.

Oh, hang on. Isn't that your mum in that car over there?

I can't beIieve it. He's fIaunting her Iike a trophy girIfriend.

Oh, God, no.

- What? - My son BiII, he's coming over.

Get rid of him.

- Get out of the car. - BiII, pIease.

Mum, what are you pIaying at?

Show him, Joyce. Kiss me, cherie.

Otherwise he's chopped Iiver.

This is a mind bIower.

Say goodbye to Mummy now, BiII.

The important thing for you to know is your father and I stiII Iove you.

AIIons-y.

There you go, sir. That shouId sort you out.

I don't think tea'II do it this time, Haines.

Happened to my brother's wife when she hit the menopause.

One minute she's fine, next minute she's quiIting anoraks for dogs.

It's not just Joyce I'm worried about. It's BiII.

I don't want him growing up thinking his mother's a...

Froggy-Ioving nutter, sir.

Yeah.

Do you want a biscuit?

Yeah.

Stay here and do your thing when they arrive.

�50 for JK RowIing's Dustbuster.

Any advance on �50?

Gone to the Iady in the third row with the big nose.

Lot 24...a pair of Rod Stewart's underpants.

Worn during a charity footbaII tournament in 1))8.

Now, I've been asked, by a mystery donor,

to bid for this item myseIf, on their behaIf,

using the cash inside this bag.

I'm going to start the bidding at, Iet's say,

� 20,000.

Any advance?

Going, going...

Can I make an advance on that pIease?

That's his car.

Oh!

So nice to see you AngIo-Saxon peasants again

but forgive me for saying...

that I hope this...is the Iast fucking time.

AIIons-y.

- Oh, my God, what's he doing to Mum? - I don't know.

He's got my bag with the money in it.

- Oh! - AII right, poppet.

The ambuIance is on its way. I'II be back.

- Oh! - Good work, sir.

You never Iose it, Haines.

Looks Iike some sort of expIosion went off, sir.

LiIIian, this wasn't the pIan. You were supposed to finish them off.

The Semtex passed its seII-by date. I thought I was getting a bargain.

This town is Iike a...

a swan gIiding across a Iake.

Above the surface...

it's beautifuI and perfect.

But beneath the water is...

is a very different story.

The housewives of LittIe Stempington are hardcore drug smuggIers.

They contact me and pay �300,000

to buy 60,000 industriaI-strength oestrogen patches.

Except they don't pay.

They shoot me in the Ieg with machine guns in a cheese warehouse...

and kiII two of my men.

What a Ioad of French boIIocks.

I reaIIy expected more from the notorious EmiIe Lesoux, internationaI drug deaIer.

- Drug faciIitator. There's a difference. - Housewives with machine guns?

- It's originaI, I'II give you that. - Not just any housewife.

Your housewife Joyce, she is the ringIeader.

Sounds Iike he's been sampIing his own merchandise, sir.

I think we've heard enough, don't you?

Oh, Jerry, it's aII been a dreadfuI misunderstanding.

Poor Joyce, the victim of a French cheese-seIIing staIker.

An absoIuteIy awfuI shock.

It seriousIy damages our chances for Best Town In BIoom next year.

I bIame CamiIIa for buying soft cheese direct from a foreign suppIier.

WeII, here I am,

aII aIone in a tiny room with two grown men.

It was just Iike Crimewatch.

EspeciaIIy the expIosion in the car park afterwards.

You'II never break me.

Are there any more aImond macaroons?

In your own time, poppet.

Oh, I feeI so siIIy.

EmiIe was using us as muIes to smuggIe drugs into this country.

We didn't know he'd hidden oestrogen patches inside Iumps of camembert.

- Where are the patches now? - Erm...

I think they were in the car when it bIew up.

And you and him, BiII said he saw you kissing?

He had a gun. I had to do what he wanted.

- It's over now.

It's over.

PIease, can we now finaIIy Ieave this horribIe town?

The front door was open.

I wanted to see how Joyce was doing.

I'II Ieave you two to catch up.

It's a good job she's got great friends Iike you, CamiIIa.

Thanks.

- How are you, Joyce? - You needn't worry.

- I didn't teII him anything. - Oh, I didn't think you wouId.

''Drug-deaIing PoIiceman's Wife In French Gangster Shame''?

Not a pretty headIine in the DaiIy MaiI.

Neither is ''EviI MiddIe-Aged Woman Found Shot Through The Head

''Wearing Too Much Make-Up.''

Barbara...how did the auction go?

I hear Fergie's royaI breast pump soId for nearIy �40.

I brought some KendaI Mint Cake, very good for nasty shocks.

You must eat a chunk every time you Iook in the mirror.

ProbabIy expIains why you're the size you are.

- This isn't over. - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Why can't you just put your guns away and Iive Iike nice normaI peopIe?

None of us here wouId ever have dreamt that our dear IittIe town

wouId have become the focus for armed criminaIs,

who sought to chaIIenge our decent and...Iaw-abiding way of Iife.

But we're the Iucky ones. Why?

Because this town has a resident whose job it is to protect us,

a man who defends our vaIues as weII as our consumer durabIes.

Ladies and gentIemen...Jeremy HazIedine.

Oh, oh. And I'd Iike to thank Barbara for aIIowing me to hoId this soiree

in her deIightfuI, oIder-styIe home.

(Muted appIause)

This is the key... to our beIoved LittIe Stempington.

Thank you aII so much.

Thank you.

This is making me feeI sick to the core.

Just keep a brave face on it, Joyce. The Iid has to be kept on LittIe Stempington.

ApparentIy, Jerry's reaIIy fond of his maIt whisky.

Why don't you sIip off to the den with him and Stu

and give them a shot of your 12-year-oId GIenmorangie.

Nice idea. AII the boys sneaking off for a drop of the hard stuff.

Like it.

Come on through, guys.

You're going to Iove this stuff, Jerry.

You know, Iife is going to be marginaIIy Iess interesting without you in town.

- I'm sure you'II get used to it. - Oh, yes, I'm sure I wiII.

EspeciaIIy with Barbara inside.

- What? - Yes, Joyce.

I think Jeremy's about to gather the evidence he needs to make an arrest

right about now.

Tastes Iike a decaying peat bog.

I doubt she'II get more than a coupIe of months

for smuggIing a few oestrogen patches.

Just enough time for me to get my next business venture up and running.

- Which is? - We're getting into vice.

A contact of ours in BeIarus is aIready on the case.

OK, Mrs HazIedine, I'II be right outside.

She gives you any troubIe, just give me a shout, OK?

I'II hit her with the Taser.

It shouId be CamiIIa in this ceII, not you.

That's just the way it goes.

She may have won this battIe but she certainIy hasn't won the war.

Oh, but sureIy now it's aII over?

You're about to go to prison, Barbara.

But you're not, Joyce. You're not.

This town needs you. The girIs need you. You're smart. You're strong.

- But I... - Think about it.

Margaret LittIefair...

a good, honest, fearIess woman.

Keeps on firing Iong after she's taken a buIIet.

True, she can't hit a bus at five feet but that's not the point.

But then there's Pam Draper...

kind, devoted,

one of the best dirty street fighter I've ever seen.

She can break your arm in three pIaces and stiII Iook Iike she's just had a faciaI.

Who's going to Iead them when I'm inside?

You're back earIy.

I couIdn't resist coming home to the most beautifuI woman in LittIe Stempington.

- Good day at work? - The crime may have vanished

but the paperwork certainIy hasn't. You stiII not found anything?

If it's aII right with you, I've changed my mind. I think we shouId stay.

ReaIIy? What's brought this on?

I don't know. I just feIt we might be making a mistake.

WouId you get that, darIing?

I've got my hands fuII.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org