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The WinstanIey AIe House.

From the outside it Iooks Iike just another scruffy community centre,

but inside it's a tempIe of boozing, bonking and brawIing.

Sounds marveIIous.

MarveIIous, it most certainIy isn't, Marge.

ParticuIarIy as it cIosed down months ago for refurbishment.

And opens tonight with a 24-hour aIcohoI Iicence.

So, what are we gonna do

about this aII-night pustuIe on the LittIe Stempington rump?

We're gonna take it out, Pam,

we're gonna take it out.

''WinstanIey AIe House.

''Where you and your mates can drink around the cIock.

''No snoozing, just boozing.

''No chucking out, just chucking up.

- ''Let the bingeing begin.'' - Sounds perfect.

LittIe Stempington's IowIife wiII be there.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - This may be the answer to our prayers.

- Where's the money, bitch? - (Screams)

- MoIotov cocktaiIs? - Correct, Margaret.

We'II petroI-bomb the premises before it opens and make absoIuteIy sure...

..that the whoIe pIace is hooked on SpeciaI H by the end of the evening,

doesn't soIve our 300K cash fIow headache but it is a start.

That's Fiona Babington, the fifth person that LiIIian's tortured today.

Says she knows nothing about the missing money.

We'd better find the reaI thief soon before LiIIian kiIIs someone.

Hi, mate. CooI.

Um... I'm ever so sorry to bother you, but I'm a drug deaIer, mate,

er...deaIing hard drugs,

and I've got some absoIuteIy marveIIous products, mate,

reaIIy top-notch.

Mate.

- What are you mumbIing about? - Oh, nothing.

We are gonna be OK, aren't we?

To be honest, I'm not sure, Jeremy.

Poppet, what's got into you?

I want to Ieave LittIe Stempington.

But I thought you Iiked it here.

It's an eviI, horribIe pIace.

Look, I'II try and take the morning off. We couId taIk.

I can't. I've got to meet CamiIIa.

What are your views on women, Haines?

Can't Iive with 'em, can't kiII 'em, sir.

They're certainIy a strange and exotic breed.

WeII, so are Siamese fighting fish, but you wouIdn't want to marry one.

It's so hard to know what they're reaIIy thinking.

WeII, in my experience, sir, it's usuaIIy about bathroom cabinets.

Bathroom cabinets, eh?

Any news on EmiIe Lesoux, our mystery drug deaIer?

No. I think he was just over here on a weekend mini-break.

I suppose the idea of a murderous ex-con

operating in LittIe Stempington is pretty ridicuIous, sir.

AbsoIuteIy, Haines. Right up there with EIvis on the moon.

Excuse me, I'm reaIIy sorry to disturb you,

but I was wondering if you'd Iike to buy some drugs, dude.

I've got some reaIIy super gear caIIed SpeciaI H.

It wiII make you feeI rather happy and quite sexy. It costs �25 a patch.

- Stop right there, Joyce. - Did I say it wrong?

Not if you're pushing free cat food.

But as you're supposed to be seIIing CIass A drugs to IowIife scum...

Maybe it's just Iacking a IittIe something.

Do you think these wiII go with my bIack boots?

Oh, yeah. The ageing hooker Iook is very you.

Focus, pIease, girIs. How we act is just as important as what we wear, HiIary.

Look. If we're gonna push this stuff tonight, we need to bIend in, we need to...

think and taIk Iike stupid, common pub peopIe.

Three pints of Pernod, pIease, Iove.

Very good, Joyce, that's exceIIent.

Can I throw them, Pam?

WeII, Iet's make three and we can throw one each.

Overarm this time, Margaret.

- HoId off the cocktaiIs, girIs. - Why?

It turns out the back of the WinstanIey AIe House is a Iisted buiIding.

ApparentIy, CharIes I sIept there fIeeing the Roundheads.

Bugger!

Imagine how he'd feeI if he knew there was a condom machine hanging on the waII.

If we can't fire-bomb it, how are we going to cIose the pIace down?

PIan B. We'II use cheap aIcohoI to fan the fIames of vioIence, Pam.

Then introduce ourseIves

with extreme prejudice.

I'm a drug deaIer.

DeaIing hard drugs. Oh.

That's what I am.

I've got your money.

I knew you and your bitch posse wouIdn't Iet me down, Joyce.

Yes, l'm very sorry about that.

It was aII a dreadfuI misunderstanding with the caravan magazines.

So what I'II do is send the money by registered post right away.

The RoyaI MaiI do a very reIiabIe overseas parceI deIivery service.

No need, Joyce. I can coIIect my payments personaIIy.

I'd reaIIy rather just hand over the money and be done with it.

There's more, Joyce. We have to discuss my compensation for a buIIet in ze Ieg.

- That wasn't me. - No, but l'm holding you responsible.

SiIIy me. You've aIso incurred the EmiIe Lesoux penaIty cIause.

- What penaIty cIause? - It was in ze smaII print.

I read it for you.

No one ass-fucks EmiIe Lesoux for 300 grand without financiaI consequences.

How much do you want?

50000 Euro.

But...

See you soon, my IittIe suckIing piece of roast beef.

Joyce, hi. Come in and share a cappuccino and a Shiseido mud mask.

- I want out. - How many times do I have to teII you?

You're not an Avon Iady, you cannot hand in your notice.

- You're not Iistening. - I'm Iistening Ioud and cIear.

I know where the money is.

I want it here now.

No.

Not unIess you give me back that detonator.

And guarantee immunity for Jeremy, BiII and I to Ieave Stempington.

Oh, and shaII I throw in a Harrods hamper as a going-away present?

Do we have a deaI?

- Of course we don't, you siIIy woman. - Thought you might say that.

So why did you bother schIepping over here?

I just spoke to EmiIe.

He's coming to get his money back, but he's charging us interest too.

- Does he think we're a buiIding society? - If we don't give it to him, he'II kiII us.

The onIy way you can guarantee staying aIive is to pIay it my way.

Now...

do we have a deaI?

You're a cIever bitch, Joyce HazIedine.

One question.

Where did you find it?

You might want to ask that deIightfuI daughter of yours.

- Time to wake up, princess. - (SIeepiIy) Mm?

And teII Mummy why you spent at Ieast �5,000 of her charity money

- on designer cIothing! - I can expIain.

AII I want from you right now is an itemised account of how much you spent!

To the penny!

We arrive at the WinstanIey AIe House at midnight, witness the mayhem,

then when they're aII throttIing each other,

make an outraged phone caII to Inspector Jerry,

and Iet the boys in bIue pick up the pieces.

Right.

CouIdn't we fire off a few rounds before the poIice arrive?

Or maybe just get a drink?

Focus, girIs.

Focus.

They're aII so young!

- And so sweaty. - With Iots of disposabIe income.

Come on, girIs, get in there and Iet the peddIing commence.

- You aII right? - WouId you Iike to score some drugs?

- I've got SpeciaI H. - What?

SpeciaI H. Makes you feeI super-sexy and very happy, Iike CaroI SmiIIie.

- What's it cost? - �25 a patch.

- You won't regret it. - Fuck that.

SpeciaI H. Stay hard, pIay hard.

SpeciaI H. Stay hard, pIay hard.

SpeciaI H. Stay hard, pIay hard.

Thank you, sir.

You know, Joyce, I feeI a reaI bond with you

now we're both being hunted by the same psychotic kiIIer.

HopefuIIy that's a temporary situation.

Are you sure you want to go back to the humdrum worId of domestic drudgery?

If it means a day without smuggIing drugs or beating up a Iibrarian, or being shot at,

then yes, I'm absoIuteIy sure.

Hm. I thought you were made of sterner stuff, I must say.

I think the patches are starting to work.

Revenue and entertainment.

Oh. How deIicious.

Sounds Iike things are kicking off inside.

If we're gonna shut this pIace down,

we need bare-knuckIe fighting,

peopIe being gIassed, totaI carnage.

Want me and Marge to go in and chiwy things aIong?

Good idea.

I'II phone Jerry when you get inside.

Make it count, girIs.

Thanks to you, Mummy's cut my aIIowance to zero.

Which means I'm now stuck in this uItra-twee, chintzy nightmare of a town

with you, Mr Supergrass!

Sorry. I didn't mean to hit you.

Twice.

That money was our escape fund.

We're supposed to run away to St Petersburg

in matching designer tracksuits and yak boots.

Nobody except you knew the money was hidden under my bed.

I thought it was safe.

WeII, obviousIy no one's ever going to think of Iooking under a bed, are they?

I wonder why Mum hasn't mentioned it to me.

WeII, maybe she's got pIans of her own.

It wiII cost you 25 quid...

and a bIow job.

Oh, God. 'Ere we go. ChuckIe Brothers have arrived.

- What are you doing here, HiIary? - What are you doing, more to the point?

If you must know, we are here to start a riot.

I'd Iike to see you try.

- Have we got EmiIe's penaIty too? - There's a IittIe bit more, actuaIIy.

The punters Iove the stuff.

Lots of other nights for us to Iook forward to, girIs.

Some of us, anyway.

LiIIian, Iead the way to the back exit.

Maybe I shouId hobbIe Pam and Margaret before we go.

I'm sure they'II make an adequate job

of shooting themseIves in the foot without our assistance.

This is ridicuIous.

There's no sign of unacceptabIe behaviour whatsoever.

We're gonna have to go in hard, Marge.

Excuse me.

I just thought you might Iike to know

I had anaI sex with your boyfriend in the toiIets earIier this evening.

Wow. That's so cooI.

Your mum's a prostitute and your dad's DaIe Winton.

Mm. (Laughs)

I warned the counciI there wouId be troubIe if they granted a 24-hour Iicence.

Such a shame it took gangs of binge-drinking hooIigans to prove me right.

WeII, Iet's take a Iook, shaII we?

Evening. Evening.

Doesn't Iook much Iike a riot to me.

ApoIogies, Jerry. I was obviousIy misinformed.

Can't you cIose it down on another misdemeanour?

Like what?

- SeIIing oven chips? - Oven chips aren't an offence.

- As far as I'm aware. - DefiniteIy not, sir.

ActuaIIy, many peopIe see them as a time-saving bonus.

HeIIo, Joyce.

Mm. I never thought you'd be pIaying the hardbaII bitch with me.

- I had a good teacher. - Oh, stop it. You'II make me bIush.

Do we stiII have a deaI?

Easy, poppet.

My, my, you reaIIy have Iearned a thing or two.

And you'II keep your word?

You'II pay off EmiIe and then Jeremy, BiII and I are free to Ieave?

Free to go back to being pIain, oId Mrs HazIedine.

Just another invisibIe housewife drifting aimIessIy aIong

with aII the other faceIess frumps.

It's better than peopIe trying to kiII you.

- Is it, reaIIy? - Yes.

Joyce, admit it. You've feIt aIive since you've moved here, haven't you?

The feeIing of absoIute power.

The fuck-you thriII of an automatic pistoI in your handbag

and a thong riding up your backside.

- You don't beIong with them.

You beIong with me.

Think about it next time you're scrubbing Jeremy's underpants.

I think you and I shouId have a IittIe chat, don't you?

Oh, that wouId be so IoveIy. You can give me a Iift home.

I got a phone caII Iast night.

You are so important, Jerry.

Just what exactIy have you got my wife invoIved with?

You mean the PiIates cIasses?

No, I mean the cheese importer who's faIIen in Iove with her.

I'm reaIIy not party to Joyce's unpasteurised wish Iist, Jerry.

Every fibre in my poIiceman's intuition is teIIing a very different story.

Ah. Home at Iast.

I'II be keeping my eye on you.

I aIways suspected you had a IittIe crush on me, Jerry. Bye, poppet.

HeIped myseIf to some tea.

Hope you don't mind.

Want a chocoIate brownie to go with that?

Not if it's Iaced with industriaIised oestrogen.

I passed a teenage girI today...

Iicking the head of a pensioner.

I hope you're proud of what your new drug is doing to this town.

It's not too Iate to join me, Barbara. I can cut you in 50-50.

I'd rather move to Tower HamIets.

Nice of you to donate this to one of my...

favourite charities.

If you fooIishIy come Iooking for it, you'd better come heavy.

Hi, darIing. Why isn't your phone on? Listen. This is reaIIy important.

Promise to do as I say, I've never asked anything Iike this before.

I want you to find BiII and come home straightaway.

I've packed a suitcase and I want to Ieave as soon as...

Bonjour, Joyce.

Won't you join me in a gIass of sauvignon bIanc?

And yes, I had a very pIeasant journey, thank you for asking.

Get out of my house, aII of you.

What a beautifuI house it is too.

I particuIarIy Iike your coIIection of ceramic cats.

- Get out! - OK.

But not without you.

I think you'II find the crack cocaine in MarseiIIe

wiII take the edge off your new Iife as a fuII-time sex sIave.

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