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SpeciaI H. IndustriaI-strength oestrogen. HRT.

Doesn't matter what you caII it.

This is gonna buy us condos in the Caymans.

- To CaIais. - To CaIais.

If we pack now, we can be in New York by nine.

It's not our money, JeweI.

ReIax, darIing. I'm onIy Iooking after it.

- I reaIIy think you shouId put it back. - No, BiII.

I think a higher force is teIIing us to use this money to start a new Iife together.

Somewhere pure and simpIe.

Like St Tropez.

OK, Iet's start with transport.

You and I in the peopIe carrier, Joyce and LiIIian foIIow in the macho van.

Weapons?

Too risky with armed poIice on high aIert for terrorists.

You mean we're going unarmed?

LiIIian, we're about to do a deaI with a MarseiIIes crime carteI.

- Not coIIect IoyaIty card points. - Crossbows.

- WiII they damage? - KiII a goat at 200 feet.

And they seII them in French hypermarkets.

HeIIo, darIing. There's a rocket and parmesan saIad in the fridge.

Do not use the car or my faciaI sauna, pIease.

Oh, shit.

Bonjour, Joyce, you lucky girl.

Once again you've won a prize

in the CamiIIa Diamond Keep Your Husband AIive competition.

You are going on a day trip to CaIais

to buy a huge quantity of hardcore drugs

from one of Europe's most dangerous men.

So grab your passport, darIing. We'II be picking you up in cinq minutes. Bye.

- Promise me you'II Iook after BiII. - Of course.

And you've got to Iook after your father whiIe I'm gone.

I've tried to be a good mother, BiII.

I'II miss you both so much.

I think we'II manage to feed and water ourseIves whiIe you get some duty-free.

When wiII this nightmare end, LiIIian? When wiII it ever end?

I'm doing my best to carry on with this whoIe charade

but I am now very, very near to breaking point.

I just want to say, Joyce, if it aII goes tits up today,

I'd Iike you to have my throwing knives.

Now be a good girI and pass me a traveI mint, wouId you?

Why wouId two rough-arsed teenagers be cIeaning up dog turds?

They haven't even got a dog with them.

Best turn a bIind eye, sir.

- HeIIo, Barbara. HeIIo, Pam. - Inspector Jerry, hi.

I wouIdn't have thought cIeaning up dog muck was your kind of spectator sport.

Oh, we Iike the simpIe Iife in LittIe Stempington.

We're going to pop in and see Joyce, drop off some of Margaret's carrot cake.

- It's ever so moist. - I'm afraid you're out of Iuck there, Iadies.

She's gone on a day-shopper to France.

Taken a Iorry with them too so goodness knows what they're bringing back.

Eight Ietters meaning jam.

Ditch the crossword, Marge.

Joyce is cIearIy in troubIe. Why eIse wouId she go AWOL?

They must have seriousIy threatened Jerry.

We're about to enter a combat zone

with nothing but a hairbrush and a carrot cake for protection!

- And guns. - What?

They're in the cooI box in the boot.

Two Uzis and the big bIack ones that never hit what you want them to.

That depends on who's firing them.

We wiII never cIear customs with an arsenaI on board.

What the bIoody heII were you thinking?

M&S jackets? Copy of the DaiIy MaiI?

They won't stop us.

CouId you both step out of the vehicIe, pIease?

Rather a Iarge van for two Iadies on a day trip, isn't it?

- You got a probIem with that? - We're shopping.

- ReaIIy? - Cheese, wine, saucissons.

And 60,000 industriaI-strength hormone repIacement patches.

OK. On your way.

I just thought it wouId be safer in my bag than in Mummy's.

But what on earth wouId your mum be doing with that kind of money?

- It's charity money. - Charity money?

Mummy's raised thousands of pounds.

She's probabIy just hiding it so Daddy doesn't spend it.

It just doesn't add up.

There's something more sinister afoot here, JeweI.

You haven't spent any, have you?

- OnIy a IittIe bit. - How much?

Don't be cross.

You're very quiet, Joyce.

I'm scared I'II never see BiII or Jeremy again.

Why? Are they going hang-gIiding or something?

You know very weII what I mean.

- Do you know what I think? - What?

I think deep down you're secretIy enjoying the thriII of it aII.

What wiII we once they've got the drugs?

Break into the van on the way back, chuck the oestrogen over the side.

- What about the fish? - Fuck the fish!

- Language, Pam. - They might grow boobs.

Don't be soft, Marge.

So it actuaIIy might increase cod stocks.

Shut up, Margaret!

(Man on PA) Ladies and gentlemen, we'll shortly be arriving at Calais.

OK, girIs. Zero hour has aImost arrived,

and the point where our coIIective destiny shifts from Primark to Prada is upon us.

So if anybody needs the Iavatory, this is the Iast chance to do it without squatting.

- This must be the pIace. - What are we gonna do now?

Watch and Iearn, Pam. Watch and Iearn.

- How much have you spent? - OnIy about nine.

Nine...hundred...pounds?

Thousand.

- We're in deep shit here, JeweI. - Don't be such a drama queen.

I just hope I'm a Iong way away when the rightfuI owner finds out

we've repIaced their money with a piIe of your dad's oId caravan magazines.

Good afternoon, Iadies.

So nice of you to join us on French soiI.

I see your nippIes need a IittIe teasing today, Joyce.

I'm sure the merchandise wiII do the trick.

Show me the money first.

It makes a pIeasant change doing business with EngIish Iadies.

Christophe, v�rifie Ie sac.

What the fuck is this?

- But it was fiIIed with money! - Very funny.

But I'm not in the market for a used caravan.

So, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to kiII you instead.

Except for you, Joyce. You I'm going to keep for my own personaI crack whore.

Take one more step and you get a boIt in your spIeen.

I Iike your baIIs more than your hairstyIe.

But you're stiII one incredibIy stupid vache.

- Ohh! - Sorry!

I don't think this is a good idea at aII.

It's the onIy idea, JeweI. We shouId have done it as soon as we found the money.

But I want champagne, Jacuzzis and Mexico!

Matching Maori tattoos in the Bay of IsIands.

No! We've got to taIk to my dad.

Thanks for stepping in.

I was in the area anyway.

- Don't suppose I deserve it. - No.

But Joyce does.

Anyway, despite what you've done to me, MiIIie,

I couIdn't stomach even you being kiIIed by a group of swarthy garIic munchers.

You won't be Iiving very Iong when I get a Band-Aid on this.

I'II hunt you down and when I find you...

I don't think you're in a position to be threatening me right now. Do you?

- Sorry to interrupt. Your son's here. - Oh, reaIIy?

Accompanied by a young Iady with overt sexuaI body Ianguage.

- Better send them in. - I've put them in an interview room.

Better knock before you go in.

Right. You're both under arrest.

But I'II Iet you off with a caution if you wash the car.

Hi, Dad.

We've come to teII you something reaIIy big.

Sounds serious. Not getting married, are you?

- No. - Fire away then.

BiII smoked cannabis Iast week on Stempington Common.

Is this true, son?

Sorry to interrupt but there's some info coming through

reIating to a sighting of our French friend, sir.

We'II taIk about this Iater.

Everything aII right, sir?

- How couId you do that? - How couId you throw away our nest egg?

Dad wiII never beIieve we just found this now he thinks I'm a drug abuser.

- Let's just keep the money. - I'II keep the money.

It'II be much safer in my bedroom than yours.

Safe is boring.

The Yard have finaIIy processed aII the CCTV footage, sir,

and this is our man, EmiIe Lesoux.

Caught on camera at the IocaI service station car park.

Hardcore internationaI drug deaIer, sir.

Look at that face, Haines. There's a face of pure eviI.

Wonder if he smokes cannabis, sir.

Remember the drug deaIer we shot in the boot of his Mercedes with his pit buII terrier?

And the amusement arcade we torched with that gas cyIinder from the barbecue.

Oh, Barb, that was a IoveIy touch.

Happy days.

It couId be Iike that again.

I wonder what they're taIking about.

I don't know but I don't feeI comfortabIe.

Neither wouId I if I'd just shot a French thug in the knackers.

Best shut up unIess you want to be brushing with Sterodent from now on. Yeah?

In the spirit of d�tente,

I wonder if you couId both just shut the fuck up.

LittIe Stempington's changing.

Kebab-eating Sky PIus viewers have been bussed in from God knows where.

The two of us couId send them back where they came from.

Or controI them in another way.

- With your super-strength oestrogen. - It's worth a try, sureIy.

I don't want that viIe stuff within the parish boundary.

I hope I'm not going to regret doing that.

You won't.

I'II ask LiIIian to feed the rest to the fish.

So sorry to interrupt.

Now you're together I thought this wouId be a marveIIous opportunity

to Iet bygones be bygones and ask you if, when we get back home,

weII, that that might possibIy be it for me.

Thank you so much, Joyce.

I'II taIk to you tomorrow, OK?

It's not unheard of for a poIice officer's son to go bad, sir.

I wouIdn't exactIy caII using cannabis once going bad.

WeII, we think we know our kids, but do we reaIIy, sir?

I think I know my son pretty weII, Haines.

I'm sure you're right, sir.

AIthough a Iad in my cIass at schooI had a tattoo of CeIine Dion done on his back

and his parents had no idea there was a probIem untiI he became a rent boy.

Looks Iike a random check, Barb. Want me to hang around?

No, you take off. I'm sure it won't take Iong.

Hope Barb's remembered to freshen up down beIow.

Customs officers have a hard enough job.

I wonder how Iong they'II take to find the animaI pornography.

Right, Iadies. 300 grand's worth of industriaI-strength oestrogen.

I can't beIieve that Barbara honestIy thought I'd give it aII up.

This is going to be so much fun.

Yeah. Right untiI Sascha DisteI turns up with a Sten gun.

Don't Iook so worried, Joyce. Soon be at home with a mug of HorIicks.

Jeremy! God, you gave me a fright.

Why are you sitting in the dark? Where's BiII?

BiII's asIeep upstairs.

- How was France? - Quite tiring.

- Did you get any duty-free? - Duty-free?

- Thought not. - Jeremy, what's wrong?

Hello, Joyce. Lovely to see you today.

So sad you had to leave so soon.

But l can ride the pain of your departure

as l know we're going to see each other again very soon.

Only next time, l will be on top.

Au revoir, Joyce.

How Iong have you been having an affair?

I'm not! I...

That's just a cheese merchant CamiIIa and I visited today.

Went mad and bought an enormous quantity of camembert.

He said he'd get it deIivered.

- You know what the French are Iike. - I want to beIieve you, Joyce.

But aII my poIice instincts are teIIing me different.

- HeIIo? - You can run, Joyce HazIedine,

but the scent of your fear wiII guarantee I track you down

and exact my bIoody vengeance.

No, thank you, we've aIready got a conservatory.

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