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Yes, bIood - this gangsta's a bad mo'fizzIe in the Home County sizzIe.

This brother gonna break in your stoosh, rob your crib cIean out.

The bad-ass vibes gonna shake this crib awake!

Make no mistake.

Aya Nappa.

Move another inch and you are squirreI fodder.

18K from protection - sorry, insurance payments.

Parking tickets and speed cameras, 8).5K.

Botox parties, 43K.

Kruggerands, 1 10K.

WeII?

We're stiII aImost 40 grand short.

Give or take the price of a Fendi handbag.

- Any suggestions? - Hit the Securicor van by the garden centre.

That's two grand, pIus a free FIymo. That's...great. (ChuckIes)

- Kidnap BeIinda Richmond? - She's got chronic fIatuIence.

- GirIs, girIs, girIs, pIease.

I've got a spIitting 40 grand headache which needs urgent attention.

What we need are some fresh ideas.

Amir Lassoo, hardcore internationaI drug deaIer?

I wish I couId heIp but I can honestIy say I have absoIuteIy no idea

what a man who served a five-year stretch

for suppIying animaI steroids to the Russian baIIet wouId be doing here.

The crime rate is Iower than Toytown.

It's the safest pIace I've ever been to.

What were you saying, Joyce?

Something about feeIing that you'd fuIfiIIed your obIigation to me and now you want out.

Hm. I'm afraid that just isn't possibIe.

It's just paint, Joyce. Don't Iook so disturbed.

Next time, however...

You see, right now's not a good time for me.

I've run into a IittIe snag on the money side of things.

- Oh, dear. - ''Oh, dear'' won't quite cover it, I'm afraid.

But �40,000 just might.

- I don't understand. - I am so sorry.

You need to get me �40,000 by tomorrow.

- In cash. - Or we'II use the reaI thing.

- I've got a probIem. - Come in and teII me aII about it.

ActuaIIy, you've arrived at rather an exciting time.

The girIs and I are about to demonstrate what happens

when traditionaI LittIe Stempington vaIues are chaIIenged.

- Hi, Joyce! - HeIIo, Joyce.

- Who's that? - WeII, it's hard to understand what he says

but we think he's with some sort of traveIIing group.

Are...you...fairground...peopIe?

- You have to remove the tape, Margaret. - Sorry.

PIease, mon. I is safe.

Not onIy was he defacing my teIegraph poIe, he was aIso promoting some concert.

''Def MeItdown Mix, DJ Gimpsta. Text 561 1 for more info.'' I mean...

- Damn thing's aII in code! - You can't keep him tied up!

Steady on - these bastards don't pay taxes. Or wash.

Pam's right. You've got to hit 'em hard before they enter town.

(Patronising tone) Right. Are you ready to spiII the beans

on when exactIy the rest of your grubby tribe arrive?

- Oh, beIieve dat. - That's a yes?

Mos def. O'fo shizzIe, the nizzIe got a whoIe bizzIe.

Is he speaking Romany?

- I don't know.

That's too smaII, Pam. Try a medium-sized chopping knife.

- Pam! No! - It's OK, we put a poIythene sheet down

there won't be any mess.

UnIess that tongue starts speaking EngIish...it's coming out.

(Home Counties accent) OK, just pIease put the knife down! It's MC Ru's gig.

- In EngIish. - Rupert Dunstan-FethergiII.

He's the main man. He organises hardcore underground urban dance events.

- I do the fIyers and set up the decks. - That's better.

- When's he coming here? - Tonight. But he won't Iisten.

No one messes with Rupert. He's a nutter.

At boarding schooI he shaved the younger boys and made them fight for food.

Damn! I've got supper with CamiIIa and Stuart tonight. It's Ray's birthday.

Joyce, fancy riding shotgun with the girIs?

- I don't, reaIIy. - Come on, it'II be fun!

Scaring the poor punk rockers away?

''Poor''? We just made 40 grand off two weekends in Cheshire.

- How much? - 40 grand. He carries the money with him!

OK. I'm in.

- Good, that's settIed.

Now, Joyce, what did you want to taIk to me about?

Nothing, it's fine.

Oh, BiII, isn't this exciting?

CouIdn't we have just met in the park?

The whoIe worId's against us. OnIy God knows the purity of our Iove.

Anyway, this church stuff reaIIy turns me on.

It's a Iong time since I've had a romantic meeting in church.

- This isn't your first? - My first girIfriend and I

- were in BibIe CIub together. - Sounds Iike a bunny boiIer.

I suppose the demented tart wiII staIk you next term.

No. We Iost touch with each other after our tenth birthday.

- We're Iike Romeo and JuIiet. - You reaIIy think so?

Star-crossed Iovers whose famiIies frowned on their reIationship.

But they stiII banged each others brains out.

- I don't remember that scene. - Meet me outside my bedroom window,

1 1 pm, and Ieave your BibIe at home.

- Wait... But... - Don't be Iate, Romeo.

We've got a Iot of sinning to do.

I think we shouId get to know each other better before we have sex.

You make sure this MC Rupert chappie

is driving his truck aIong the B3421 at preciseIy ):30pm.

We'II set up a traffic Iight and hit the vehicIe near the badger crossing.

- WeII, what if he won't stop? - If he doesn't stop for wiIdIife

- it's onIy right to kneecap him. - PIease, can I drive, Barbara?

Very weII, Margaret, but remember the speed camera near DovetaiI Knock.

Breathe a word and I'II hack your knackers off with a troweI.

And in the past year you say you've fiIed onIy three reports?

Two house aIarms, both eIectricaI fauIts, and one conspiracy to trespass.

- Oh? - Guy who does the supermarket troIIies

pressed charges against a disabIed Iady for parking in a private space.

I advised him to drop it but he insisted.

IncredibIe, Haines, incredibIe.

- HeIIo, Joyce. - LiIIian!

- How did you...? - It was unIocked. You shouId be carefuI.

- BiII's here. - I cased the house before I came in.

I...thought you might Iike this.

An apoIogy for having to kiII your husband tomorrow.

- You'II get your 40,000. - I couId heIp.

We couId take the sub-post office.

ActuaIIy, LiIIian, I've got something eIse Iined up.

Stop it, Joyce...

you're spoiIing me.

It's not that there isn't any car crime or no graffiti,

there isn't any crime at aII.

SureIy that's good?

You came here for a Iess stressfuI Iife,

now you sound disappointed that there isn't a master criminaI in sight.

- That's not entireIy true. - Oh?

I got a caII from the Yard, saying an internationaI drug deaIer was in the viIIage.

- CooI. - No, it isn't cooI.

- What's he doing here? - That's what they asked me to investigate.

Sounds Iike proper poIice work.

ProbabIy nothing, but you never know.

- More broccoIi, anyone? - Mm.

I don't think this is gonna work, Barb.

It's the Iast time I put any knitting work through that oId peopIe's home.

You're gonna have to sort out the hoIes on yours, Marge.

- What about Joyce? - She can wear a stocking.

Sorry, gotta go.

What are you giving Ray for his birthday, Barb?

''CIause 4.2, if you faiI to pay the minimum amount required under condition six

''during the introductory promotion period we may charge interest

''instead of the rate appIicabIe during that introductory...''

It's no good.

God, Barb, you get better every year.

Practice makes perfect, darIing.

Happy birthday.

Here's to a fantastic night.

A fantastic night.

Sorry I'm Iate. Had to express a coupIe of bottIes for baby Josh

in case this music man takes some scaring off.

- FeeIs quite squidgy.

Stuart chose it.

Ahh. Look at th... Thanks, mate.

- Another one for the coIIection. - Ohh.

Stuart thought the pink was a bit racy but I said it was right up your street.

Oh, that's...fabuIous, reaIIy.

You're a bit overdressed for a book cIub meeting.

- It can get quite physicaI. - You can get physicaI with me...

- There's Pam now.

WeII, have a smashing evening, darIing.

I Iove you, Jeremy. Never forget that.

And then he said to me, ''You can't underwrite a category two Iife poIicy

''for someone who's aIready seIf-empIoyed''!

Oh, you're one of the crazy ones, Ray! You reaIIy are.

How are your business endeavours doing, MiIIie? Doing make-up parties?

- Pin money reaIIy, Ray. - She's being compIeteIy modest, as usuaI.

- I heard the Iast one was rammed. - Barb was there, getting her Iips done.

Pity that probIem with the drains caused a few desertions.

You two shouId coIIude on a business idea - sort out me and Ray on our retirement.

I keep on asking her, don't I?

Hitting a truck on the open road is aIways risky

but Barbara wants this to be as Iow-key as possibIe,

so no fuck-ups.

- This is reaIIy rather dangerous, isn't it? - Yes. So watch your trigger finger.

Right, we roII in 15 minutes.

- Joyce, you OK? - Fine, Pam.

AbsoIuteIy fine.

I can't beIieve they're stiII Iapping up this shit. They'd dance to a fucking poIice siren.

Suckers of LittIe Stempington, here I come! (Laughs)

You aII right, Dre? You seem a bit quiet.

Yeah, bIood. CooI, mate.

- CooI. - CooI.

I see they're buiIding a gated deveIopment by the canaI.

It's a waste of time, aII that added security.

- Why do you say that? - (Laughs)

LittIe Stempington's a crime-free zone.

- Oh, God.

OK, there they are.

Big up to the Stempington massive, you tossers! (Laughs)

So you'd recommend buying Zirconium, not giIts?

Yeah, my father says the Chinese wiII faciIitate gIobaI demand.

And good hedge fund managers know what they're taIking about.

Fuck me, it's the AnimaI Liberation Front!

Now, Margaret, now!

Out of the truck! Yes, immediateIy, or...!

..or I'II execute every motherfucking one of you!

I said get out!

Move it!

Where's the money? - I onIy carry pIastic.

- What are you doing, Joyce? - TeII me where it is or I'II take these.

Oh! Biscuit tin under the dashboard!

Have you gone mad, Joyce? Barbara onIy toId us to scare them away.

That's exactIy what I'm doing. OK, Iisten!

We hear so much as a sound of a disco rave within the parish boundary

and you and your kinsfoIk wiII be executed. Do I make myseIf cIear?

Oh, fantastic! Thanks, Barb.

- Oh, Iook, there's another one! - You!

You shouIdn't have!

I thought I might surprise you.

EspeciaIIy tonight when you weren't expecting it.

There's at Ieast �40,000 here.

43 and a haIf, to be precise.

- And no biscuits. - You shouIdn't have done it, Joyce.

It brings us down to CamiIIa's IeveI.

My my, what have we here?

CindereIIa and her two pig-ugIy sisters.

CIaws in the air. Do it, sIowIy.

- Fuck you. - Just do it!

Better do what the bitch says.

Come aIong then, Joyce, Iook IiveIy.

I'm reaIIy sorry, I didn't want this - they were going to kiII Jeremy, I just had no option.

How couId you? You dirty turncoat.

I never thought you'd cross over to the dark side.

- They were going to kiII Jeremy! - (LiIIian) Car's there, Joyce.

LoveIy outfit, Pam. Bit tight about the arse, I'II bet.

One day soon I'm gonna wipe that smug bIow job smiIe

cIean off your face, HiIary Davenport.

Better hit the Stairmaster first.

- Yummy! - (Phone)

Sorry. Ah, just got to take this.

AII right.

Not bad news, I hope, Barbara?

What have you become, Joyce HazeIdine?

What have you become?

I did catch a teenager here once, Iate at night. Thought he was pissed.

But he was just scraping chewing gum off the pavement.

You aII right, sir?

Sorry, Haines, just, er, thinking about my wife.

Acting a bit strange.

Phoned to ask if we couId take out a second mortgage.

Maybe she wants to buy some new cIothes, sir.

Very expensive, women's outfits. ParticuIarIy shoes.

True.

But they don't cost �40,000, do they?

You'd be surprised, sir. You'd be very surprised.

StiII waiting, Romeo.

I can't seem to get a grip.

I thought you had biceps?

- Can't I just come through the front door? - Forget it. The moment's gone.

I've got an idea.

Why don't I come down to you?

Meet me in the pony trap in the back garden.

I'II bring some piIIows.

It's quite chiIIy out here.

WouId you Iike me to warm you up?

Can we just go in the kitchen?

You're Iike a giant hot water bottIe.

ReaIIy?

But I want it hotter.

Oh! Ow!

What's that?

- You didn't teII me we were eIoping tonight. - What?

It's not mine.

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