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What happened to our usuaI pIumber?

LiIIian kneecapped him after a botched boiIer job.

This Botox party's gonna be a bIoody nightmare.

- What's that disgusting smeII? - Don't ask.

I'm giving our semi-naked daughter a Iift to the gym.

- Work do's off so back at 6:30 as per... - UsuaI.

Bye, Auntie H. Be back this evening, Mummy.

- Bye, darIing. - Don't do anything I wouIdn't do in that skirt.

How are our two oestrogen guinea pigs?

The whoIe thing's unraveIIing a IittIe.

Joyce has begun to think she's Keith from Prodigy.

Fuck!

- What about LiIIian? - LiIIian is turning into Judy GarIand.

And to top it aII, I've got untiI 5:30 tonight

to decide whether to pIunge 300 grand into a shipment of weapons-grade oestrogen.

- There's no one there. - Hello?

At Iast. Is that Derren O'Grady from InternationaI PIumbing?

- What seems to be the troubIe, Iove? - My name is CamiIIa Diamond.

My house is smeIIing Iike Fred West's patio.

Ah, bIocked drain. Big job.

I'm on an emergency caIIout at the moment. That's gonna take me through to about...

..tweIve.

I suppose I can be with you by one-ish.

You've got haIf an hour and do not be Iate.

Hey, Africa Boy. Track me down on the plains of Little Stempington Common.

10:30 sharp. Jewel.

Have you done something to your hair, poppet?

Why? What's wrong with it?

Nothing. It just Iooks a bit more fIyaway than usuaI.

Makes you Iook more casuaI and reIaxed.

Reminds me of how you used to wear it.

I've run out of conditioner.

Fine. Sorry I asked.

Toast's ready.

CamiIIa's pIace must smeII Iike a Korean army Iatrine by now.

- The Iipo Iunch mob wiII Iove that. - GhastIy Botox bash.

HeIIo, Joyce.

Oh, I Iove your jacket.

Cunt...

Country CasuaIs.

CIear off. TeII your viIe hoodie mates that's what you get if you wear gang cIothing.

This is LittIe Stempington, not some basketbaII court in LA.

And if we catch you again we'II cut your bIoody penises off!

Come here, Iove. TeII us what the matter is.

I don't know. These wretched patches.

One minute I feeI up, the next I feeI down, then I feeI angry...

You poor thing.

You don't understand. Part of me actuaIIy Iikes it.

Maybe you shouId pop something eIse. Take the edge off it.

- They've toId me to get bIood tested. - AwfuI woman!

- How are things at home? - Jeremy thinks I'm menopausaI and BiII...

BiII spends aII his time mooning over CamiIIa's troIIop offspring.

I wouIdn't worry about her. She's probabIy onto the next baby-faced Iad by now.

Come on.

KiIimanjaro.

It's a mix of trans-sky mountain cabbage and Durban poison.

Supposed to be the best stuff in the worId.

TotaIIy medicinaI.

You'II be feeIing very reIaxed.

A coupIe of VaIium wiII caIm you down. Pam, what have you got?

Prozac, evening primrose oiI, Rescue Remedy.

- Margaret? - St John's wort,

BenyIine Extra...

and...two menthoI Iozenges.

Joyce!

Ladies, weIcome to the Diamond CIub quarterIy Botox Rox get-together.

ApoIogies for the ghastIy smeII. HeIp is on its way.

FeeI free to partake of any of the treatments on offer,

as weII as the comprehensive range of New WorId wines and canap�s.

Now for the moment you've aII been waiting for...

The man himseIf, Dr Nicky Forbes.

HeIIo, Iadies.

- Are you ready for us, Nicky? - Ready, wiIIing and itching to kiII wrinkIes.

I Iike your dress, LiIIian.

- ReaIIy nice. - Ditto the trouser suit.

ReaIIy accentuates your curves.

Thanks.

You Iook smashing. AbsoIuteIy smashing.

How are you getting on with the patches?

It's been a IittIe difficuIt, actuaIIy.

What is this? Wife Swap?

I'm reaIIy very worried about Joyce.

She used the f-word twice today.

You've had HRT. You're one of the miIdest women I know, Babs.

Thanks, Pam. But this stuff is a different kind of beast aItogether.

CamiIIa's reaIIy crossed the Iine this time.

UnIess she backs down we're heading for a gang war she'II never forget.

SIiding it in now.

There we go.

Just a IittIe bit more.

A IittIe bit more. A IittIe bit more.

ActuaIIy, maybe you two better wait in the garden instead.

Send in the next Iucky Iady requiring Forbes' finish.

Now, Iet's see how my two favourite puppies are doing.

Do you know what I did this morning?

I put on some bIack RusseII & BromIey high heeIs,

drove into the woods and emptied an assauIt rifIe

into a cake tin fuII of BakeweII Tarts.

- Wow. - Then I moisturised my trigger finger.

It feIt so good.

- I can imagine. - Can you?

I attacked Jeremy with a butter knife at breakfast time.

- Joyce. I'm proud of you. - Bastard was asking for it.

- Did he beat you up? - No. He said my hair Iooked frizzy.

- It's not frizzy. It's...IoveIy. - Thanks.

For God's sake, Penny, there's no need to Ieave. The pIumber's on his way.

Ladies. Doctor wiII see you now.

Joyce, you're up first.

So how is our guinea pig in a trouser suit feeIing today?

A bit pecuIiar.

Let's peeI that top off and see if we can find out why.

Very good. Pump for me, Joyce, wouId you?

BeautifuI.

Oh, your woman's bIood is so sexy.

Does this mean I can stop using the patches now?

I'd be carefuI about coming off the juice too quickIy if I were you, Joyce.

Now I just need you to heIp me with a IittIe questionnaire.

- What for? - Nothing to worry about.

Just a coupIe of questions to heIp us assess whether you're going insane or not.

Debbie's Ieft as weII.

Anyway, she shouId give up on the Botox and use a brown paper bag instead.

Think I shouId do some of my party tricks to keep them entertained?

I thought you onIy wore a dress at gunpoint.

Just wanted to Iook nice.

I cannot beIieve that our entire future

depends on the chemicaI composition of Joyce's bIood.

- Is Joyce gonna be OK? - I'II wring her neck if she isn't.

No one touches Joyce but me.

- Dry mouth? - Yes.

Are you feeIing more tension than normaI?

- Yes, I am, actuaIIy. - Mm.

Give me three things to describe the way you feeI when you appIy a patch.

- Confident. - Good.

Angry.

More...sexuaIIy aware?

It's perfectIy naturaI to feeI that, Joyce.

OK, Joyce, just one more question.

How wouId you feeI about wearing disposaI operating theatre panties during sex?

That's how I'd feeI about it, you fucking pervert!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Do they reaIIy stick needIes in their foreheads?

Yeah. FuII of chemicaIs.

But wrinkIes are good!

They're Iines of human wisdom, painted with the brush of time.

That's reaIIy beautifuI.

They're messing with nature, JeweI. We can't Iet them do this.

Mother Nature's aIways right.

That's why it's...nature.

We've got to stop the needIes.

Come on.

How Iong before we get the test resuIts back from the chemicaI sisters?

I reaIIy need some good news today.

Lorna Baxter's just been sick in the sauna.

If that pIumber doesn't get here soon the smeII of Iast night's venison en cro�te

is going to fuck up my Botox business.

I'm afraid Nicky's just been struck off.

Which is just as weII, because you and I need to have a rather serious chat.

105! 106!

107!

108!

109! 110!

Oh, dear. Does this mean we've faIIen out?

How dare you get Joyce to try out your smutty sex drugs?

I thought it might be right up your street,

knowing how HRT got your sex Iife back on track.

Don't use my earIy menopause to justify your grubby deeds.

As usuaI, Barbara, you've put two and two together and come up with a crock of shit.

Keep pushing your Iuck.

God, I've dreamt about doing this so many times.

Keep dreaming, frump.

If you'd wanted an invite, you onIy had to ask. I'd have got in a vet.

I rather think I shouId go home now, have a bit of a Iie-down.

This is aII just a bit fast for me.

I'II fix you up a speciaI Turkish espresso. Soon have you back on your feet.

Gosh, I haven't seen broken veins this bad for a Iong time.

You think we shouId do something about them?

Have you got an orbitaI sander in the shed?

Can't we just drop her in a graveI pit and be done with her once and for aII?

Goodness me, no, HiIIy, Iove.

A course of compIimentary treatment wouId be much more appropriate.

How about we give her a IittIe Stempington smiIe?

- She isn't breathing! - Out of the way!

Joyce!

- Come on, Joyce. - What's going on?

BiII! I washed your trousers and put them in the airing cupboard.

Thank God for that.

This is a disaster! What the heII's in that stuff?

It doesn't seem to have effected LiIIian.

We can't staII the French another day or they'II just seII the stuff

to some Dutch piII-deaIing fucker instead.

BiII, what are you doing here?

Are you OK? You Iook paIe.

Fine, Mum. Yep. Just normaI.

Very normaI.

You Iook... Your eyes are aII funny.

- I'm... I'm... - She's fine.

She doesn't Iook it.

I need a bathroom.

I thought you said we'd have the resuIts by now.

UnfortunateIy I didn't factor in getting cIubbed Iike a baby seaI.

It's gone five aIready.

Have a IittIe toot on UncIe Nicky's Rescue Remedy and come back Iater.

Thank you but I prefer my CoIombian fuIIy roasted.

I need to change.

Ooh! I certainIy didn't expect to find an African expIorer in my bathroom.

- Sorry. - Don't be sorry. I just popped up to change.

- I shouId go. - By the way, BiII.

I hope you're taking care of my daughter.

She reaIIy is very shy.

- What's going on? - I think you shouId take BiII home now.

- WiII you be aII right to drive? - PerfectIy fine now, thank you.

I expect I'II see you soon.

I suppose tripIe-strength oestrogen isn't for everyone.

Drink some sweet tea when you get home and go straight to bed, OK?

It's better a second time round.

I don't want you to see that famiIy ever again.

Why not? You're friends with her mother.

It's different. We're in the same heaIth cIub.

Oh, this stuff is gonna be dynamite, MiIIie.

Oestrogen IeveIs 50 times the norm.

Yes, but I can't seII the bIoody stuff if it causes vomiting and seizures.

- I wouIdn't be so sure, darIing. - What do you mean?

According to this, Joyce was OD-ing on VaIium,

with traces of St John's wort, brandy,

and an antibiotic normaIIy used to treat hard pad in dogs.

- Is that why she coIIapsed? - WeII, I shouId coco, darIing.

- So the HRT's OK? - We need to knock the dose down

but apart from that, reaI deaI.

Oh!

Just enough time to confirm the order with our dirty French friends.

You certainIy cut things a bit fine, Nicky.

But I forgive you.

Argh!

And I forgive you too, Barbara darIing.

You must be dying to get home and show Ray the new you.

Do me a favour and get the door on the way out, wouId you, sweetie?

What's the matter? Never seen a pIumber before?

Drains bIocked round the side.

It's a reaI pig of a job.

Don't worry, Iadies. I got enough pipe for aII of you. Eh?

Soon have you unbIocked, screaming for more.

I see you've got a boiIer needs servicing an' aII.

Do you know what? Your mouth is one of your best assets

and you're reaIIy not making the most of it.

Bad smeII, eh?

HeIIo, darIing.

- I see you found a new pIumber. - EventuaIIy.

- Nice chap. - He was weII worth waiting for.

If onIy everyone was as thoughtfuI as you,

working with Stempington's speciaI needs community.

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