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I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to.

Room's bugged.

- Bugged?! - Yeah.

- What are you doing here? - We need to taIk.

- We'd better go outdoors. - No, no.

What on earth is going on, Barbara?

CamiIIa's keeping an eye on her investment.

- What investment? - You, Joyce. You.

But she's aIready got the detonator with my fingerprints on it.

- And threatened to kiII Jeremy. - You couId be the one to bring her down.

I'm a housewife, Barbara, not a hit woman!

The more invoIved you are the more chance we've got of sending her to prison!

Oh, heII!

Look in the mirror, Joyce. Come on. What do you see?

A woman who can't reIax with a husband that thinks she's hit earIy menopause.

I see Joan of Arc in a cornfIower dress

hoIding aIoft a Beretta nine-miIIimetre automatic pistoI,

fighting for the moraI heart of LittIe Stempington.

What are my underpants doing on the Iamp?

Now might be a good time to put them on.

I was hoping we might christen the power shower.

- Oh, my God! - HeIIo, Jerry.

Barbara du Prez. Nice to meet you at Iast.

I was just passing and urgentIy needed to spend a penny.

Must be off.

Ooh. A smaII gift to weIcome you to LittIe Stempington, sir.

Very kind of you, Haines.

I was gonna buy you a teddy bear with a poIiceman's heImet

but that's what I got your predecessor.

ApparentIy it was in the car when the brakes faiIed.

- Tragic business. - Yeah, weII...

I just try and remember the good times, sir.

He had a reaI way about him, that one,

especiaIIy with the Iadies of the community.

WeII, I think some of that must have rubbed off on me.

Found one in my bathroom this morning.

I'm sure Mrs HazIedine had something to say about that, sir.

Mrs HazIedine invited her in, actuaIIy.

In the words of the great Annie Lennox, sisters are doing it for themseIves.

WeII, I hope the women of LittIe Stempington aren't aII quite so forthright.

- I think you'II find they are, sir. - ReaIIy?

AbsoIuteIy, sir. ExtremeIy cIose knit community.

Like a tight pair of trousers.

One! Two!

Three! Four!

Go Iower! FeeI the stretch aII the way down!

Work it, girIs. Here we go. Forward. And back.

Work those hips. Good. Yeah. Loving that.

Dig deeper. Yeah, deeper. Deeper stiII.

You constantIy surprise me, Joyce.

Not many peopIe can take one of Desmond's Burn To The Max sessions.

What do you think about eIective caesarean, Joyce?

Why wouIdn't one have naturaI chiIdbirth?

Are you on Tamazepam or something?

ActuaIIy, I found having BiII a profoundIy beautifuI experience.

Must have Ieft the curtains biIIowing a bit, though.

Joyce probabIy doesn't put the miIes on the cIock that you do.

ActuaIIy, my Iove tunneI's stiII honeymoon fresh.

Cut the crap, girIs.

Time for Joyce to accept her destiny.

Oh! PIease don't kiII me!

Goodness me, no. If there's any kiIIing to be done today, Joyce,

you'II be the one doing it.

Sorry about that, sir. Must have knocked it with my knee.

- AImost forgot what it sounds Iike. - Ah, yes. WouIdn't that be nice?

No, reaIIy, sir. We haven't used it for over two years.

What do you do if there's a break-in or an assauIt?

No such thing in LittIe Stempington, sir.

I'm sure it's very different to London, what with aII the guns and murders.

And beheadings.

But you must get troubIe sometimes. A scuffIe at the pub at cIosing time.

CIosest we got was a six-year-oId going berserk with a pIastic Iight sabre in WooIies.

I Iet him off with a caution.

WeII, make a weIcome change from inner-city poIicing.

And aII the putrefied dismembered corpses fIoating down the Thames, eh, sir?

Thanks for that, Haines.

You're weIcome, sir.

- They've Ieft the gym. - Is Joyce on board?

- Cosied up in the back. - Good.

Get a move on, Iaddie, or you'II be scrubbing your own spIeen off that waII.

The woman with the roadkiII hairdo is FeIicity Faversham.

she sIaps on the MeaIs On WheeIs crowd.

- That can't be much, sureIy. - At �8.20 a day per book,

we made �16,000 Iast year.

�16,000?!

It's onIy the price of an upmarket boob job.

And for reasons you'II discover, our income needs to rise dramaticaIIy.

FeIicity doesn't understand the concept of infIation.

She's refusing to raise the charges to 15 a day.

And you're going to make sure she compIies, Joyce.

- Me?! - CaII it your initiation, if you Iike.

But where are you going?

I might get my BraziIian trimmed.

Again? The girIs at that saIon must think you use MiracIe-Gro.

LiIIian and I wiII be in the Tudor KettIe Iistening in over a skinny Iatte.

- What if she won't do what I say? - Then shoot her in the tits.

CIear the Iibrary, Joyce.

Right.

I'm sorry but the Iibrary's cIosing earIy today.

Sorry, sir, but we're cIosing earIy today.

Sorry, sir, but the Iibrary's cIosing earIy today.

Excuse me. What exactIy are you doing?

Hi. You must be FeIicity.

I'm Joyce HazIedine. How do you do?

Fuck the niceties, Joyce, this is business.

- I need to taIk to you. - About what?

You've been a naughty girI and I'm here to punish you.

SIap her, Joyce.

Are you with the Care in the Community programme?

No, I'm with CamiIIa Diamond.

- You don't Iook Iike one of hers. - Go in hard.

Imagine you just caught her cupping Jeremy's testicIes.

They onIy bring me in for speciaI jobs.

I've aIready toId them, I can't put the fines up again.

- Cut her to pieces, Joyce. - I reaIIy think you shouId. PIease.

- And what wiII you do about it if I don't? - Hurt her.

- Hurt her? - Hurt who?

- lt's the only language she'll understand. - I don't want to use the gun.

- LiIIian says use a choking hoId. - A choking hoId?

Are the voices in your head confusing you?

This is your last chance.

Look, why don't you Iet me caII someone who can heIp?

Shoot her.

I'II shoot your bosoms off, you siIIy woman!

Don't hurt me, pIease! I'm going to need some time!

Send out a circuIar, issue a new ticketing system, reset the computer.

Do I Iook Iike a woman with time on my hands? Do I? Do I? Do I?

OK! OK, I'II do it right now.

You wiII? Oh, that's marveIIous!

What happened to the book worm?

She's dead.

You're a dark horse, Joyce.

It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it.

Don't get your knickers in a twist. These things happen.

Are neither of you Iistening? I just kiIIed someone!

CaIm down.

Order yourseIf a decaf mochaccino. I wiII cIean this up.

Anyone who says kiIIing is easy has never actuaIIy done it.

I cope with it by arranging the body so it Iooks dignified,

not Iike the contorted, Iegs akimbo stuff you see on CSI.

- Where's CamiIIa? - She's gone home via the fishmongers.

- Can I go home now?

I'm afraid not, sweetie.

You've got a party to go to.

Joyce, do you want to borrow a fresh thong?

I aIways keep a coupIe of spares just in case.

In case of what?

In case she goes dogging in the car park at PC WorId.

JeweI.

- This is Joyce. - I know that, siIIy.

I've heard Ioads about you aIready.

Mummy says you've got a gorgeous son caIIed BiII.

I Iike your two-piece, JeweI.

Thanks, Auntie HiIary.

I'II bet it's a reaI cock magnet.

- Try it on if you Iike. - I wouId if I was stopping.

Cheer up, Joyce. You Iook Iike someone just died.

I have to get back to Jeremy!

Joyce is here, Mummy.

DarIing, hi! What a great crowd!

- What are you doing here? - I have to take the rap for that one, Joyce.

I thought I'd surprise you.

I dropped by the station and toId our fabuIous chief inspector

aII about our nightmare day.

I'm sorry to hear that the fundraiser at the Iibrary didn't go weII.

I'm so pIeased you're making new friends, though.

I hear you threw a reaI Gary OIdman. CongratuIations.

- This is Stuart, my better haIf. - Fantastic to meet you, Joyce. Fantastic.

I hear CamiIIa's taken you under her wing.

This is Raymond. And Barbara, of course, you know aIready.

You're Iooking a bit overdressed there.

Ray's a bit of a joker, I'm afraid, Joyce.

I can see we're aII going to be one big, happy famiIy.

Cheers.

I don't know how you can be so casuaI about what happened today.

Don't be siIIy. We can aIways get a new Iibrarian.

What if she's got a husband and chiIdren? I can't imagine what they must...

She was a Iesbian spinster who prayed on teenage singIe mothers.

- ReaIIy? - ReaIIy.

Let's taIk about something important.

I expect you're wondering why I brought you aIong today.

The truth is I see something of myseIf in you.

Determination, a physicaI prowess, a kiIIer instinct,

things that have taken me to the pinnacIe of the LittIe Stempington food chain.

Spoken Iike ChurchiII.

AIthough I think his tits were above his waist.

I don't know about you, Joyce, but I reaIIy hate a bad Ioser.

You're wrong if you think the spoiIs have aIready been divided.

I think Joyce's coIours are aIready naiIed to the mast.

Now if you don't mind, we're supposed to be sociaIising.

Now remember, Joyce, appearances are everything.

The fishmonger must have thought he'd won the Iottery!

I aIways persuade him to give me a discount.

Isn't she bIoody wonderfuI? Don't know how she does it.

And how are you finding the criminaI eIement of LittIe Stempington?

- MercifuIIy absent. - We've aIways feIt very safe here.

- Are you feeIing better? - I want to go home.

Oh, is there any Ieft for me?

Mm, heIp yourseIf, darIing.

Oh, that Iooks nice. Mind if I try some?

That's saIty.

When does BiII get back from his voIuntary work in Africa, Jeremy?

- Any day now. - How Iong has he been over there?

- AImost six months. - FeeIs Iike forever.

He starts his theoIogy degree in the autumn.

Have you got a photo, Joyce? JeweI Ioves a boy with a big brain.

He Iooks Iike Tarzan with A IeveIs.

- Thank you, darIing. - What's that?

- Baked AIaska. - No, I mean the tabIets.

Just something to perk everyone up before the petits fours.

- Viagra?! You must be joking! - You won't think I'm joking in the morning.

- Fancy getting your feet wet? - I think Jeremy and I shouId be going.

Looks to me Iike you might be in an army of one there.

How about it, darIing?

I'm sure that Stuart wiII teach you his periscope trick.

I think we shouId definiteIy go.

Want a strip and dip, Joyce?

Joyce is ducking out, I'm afraid, Ray.

Oh, shame! WeII, it was great to meet you both.

Hope to see a Iot more of you soon.

WeII, if I can't persuade you to stay.

You simpIy must join in the aquatics next time, Jerry.

I'II caII you tomorrow, Joyce.

Looks Iike you're first for a hot tub spitroasting then, MiIIie.

- I want to Ieave LittIe Stempington. - What?!

I don't Iike the pIace. I don't Iike the peopIe. It was a mistake us coming here.

Can we just pack a suitcase when we get home and go?

I'm sure aII that hot-tub stuff was just a bit of harmIess fun.

Anyway, I thought the point was for us to spend some quaIity time together.

Reconnect with each other.

And I've gotta say, I'm reaIIy feeIing a Iot Iess tense aIready.

- I'II put the car in the garage. - Don't keep me waiting too Iong...

..sex kitten.

Oh, my God! Barbara, what are you doing there?

Sorry, Joyce. There's something I need to expIain.

You're the Iast person I expected to see at CamiIIa's.

Listen. Ray and Stuart have been best friends forever.

They shouId never find out about our feud.

I kiIIed someone today.

- No you didn't, Joyce. - I saw her faII.

Onto a piIe of strategicaIIy pIaced cardboard boxes.

- She's one of ours.

Remember, Joyce, things around here aren't aIways as they seem.

The tougher CamiIIa thinks you are, the better it is for us.

- Not again, surely, Jeremy! - Come on, Joyce. Just one more time.

- Do you want me on my tummy this time? - Ja, ja, baby!

Deine arse is so sexy! Oh! Oh, ja!

Jeremy, I can't get my Ieg up there.

Oh, come on, poppet. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You with me, poppet? Ohh...

Oh, baby! Oh, ja, ja! Du bist supersexy!

Ich komme! Ich komme! Oh! Oh!

Oh, poppet!

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