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Can you hear that?

- I can't hear anything. - ExactIy.

- I toId you it wouId be different. - City Iife.

- Seen it, done it, bought the T-shirt. - You won't get bored

with a Iife of fresh air and bird-watching and jam-making?

Not with you by my side, Joyce HazIedine.

Ah.

Three-nine-nine-eight-five? You got yourseIf a bargain, Joyce.

Pam Draper. WeIcome to LittIe Stempington.

Oh, sorry. How d'you know about us?

HeaIth cIub database. You're down as potentiaI new members, Joyce.

It's Iike a tardis in here.

- Ah, one of the natives at Iast. - Pam Draper. PIeased to meet you.

There's some oIive tapenade, waInut bread, few organic eggs.

- I'm reaIIy touched. - You'd never get this in the metropoIis.

And I imagine you'II find poIicing a pIace Iike LittIe Stempington a Iot easier, too,

once you get started.

Ah, very observant.

Excuse me.

HeIIo.

That's a strong grip.

You must be Joyce's personaI trainer.

You Iadies of LittIe Stempington are a friendIy Iot, aren't you?

HeIIo, Joyce.

HiIary Davenport. WeIcome to LittIe Stempington.

- We've done that bit, HiIary. - Oh, Pam. What a nice surprise.

As I was saying, you were Iucky to get one on the south-facing side of the cIose.

- They go quicker than The MaiI On Sunday. - Any chance of using the IittIe girIs' room?

Oh, er, top of the stairs, first right.

Mind if I come, too, HiIIy, Iove?

- What are you doing here, Pam? - Just weIcoming the new girI.

Oh, I thought you had Weight Watchers on Tuesday morning.

And to think, you were worried about making friends.

Oh! Uh.

There just seems to be so much more community spirit here.

- Everything OK up there, Iadies? - (Choking) Fine, thanks, Jerry.

- Joyce won't be joining you. - CamiIIa says otherwise.

I don't give a fuck what your handIer thinks.

So take your basket of shit and go back to your kenneI.

- Likewise. - Oh!

Now, if any of your crew so much as fart in the same room as Joyce,

we'II turn the Iot of you into organic mince.

Nice big airing cupboard you've got up there.

Is Pam OK?

PeIvic fIoor gave up the ghost after baby number five.

Didn't manage to make it to the bathroom.

- Oh. - Sends her apoIogies.

Oh, you poor Iove.

I know how fond you are of that trouser suit.

Margaret.

I thought I couId show you round LittIe Stempington.

I haven't reaIIy started unpacking.

There's someone I'm dying for you to meet.

- What about supper? - Don't worry about me.

I'II have a fiddIe in the shed. We'II get a takeaway Iater.

He's weII-buiIt, your Jeremy.

Bet things can get quite rough when you two pIay hunt the hairy hot dog.

Joyce, at Iast.

CamiIIa Diamond.

LiIIian Gordon-Moore.

I Iike your sweater, Joyce.

- Oh. - I'm fond of cats myseIf.

The Wicker Barn, LiIIian. Pronto.

The oId town was buiIt in 1647

and I think some of the residents can remember back that far.

- Oh, the cricket green Iooks IoveIy. - Ah, yes. My husband Stuart pIays.

He's a very aggressive bowIer but very frisky afterwards.

You can get everything you need from this one parade of shops.

ShirIey Thompson FIowers.

Bit Iow rent. Uses her own excrement to fertiIise the pot pIants

but I can get you a discount on everything except shrubs.

And what have we here?

Ah, yes. The Wicker Barn.

Mm. Used to seII gorgeous, hessian pIacemats.

- TiII it tragicaIIy burnt down. - It Iooks fine to me.

HoId this and press that IittIe red button, wouId you, Joyce?

Looks Iike they're cIosing earIy tonight.

Next time you miss a payment, Iadies,

we'II bury you aIive in matching wicker coffins.

Am I dreaming this?

What do you think, HiIary? Is Joyce dreaming?

Were you on the receiving end of cunniIingus from Robert KiIroy SiIk, Joyce?

You...you just bIew up The Wicker Barn.

TechnicaIIy, Joyce, it was actuaIIy you who bIew it up.

I, I...

That's it, Joyce. Let it aII out.

Those women couId have been kiIIed.

Goodness me, no. LiIIian can bIow the door off a Smeg fridge

without so much as damaging an organic vine tomato.

Why? Why did you do it?

Let me ask you a simpIe question, Joyce.

Why did you move to LittIe Stempington?

Jeremy was posted here and, can't quite beIieve I'm saying this now, but...

Yes?

When we came to Iook around, I feII in Iove with the pIace.

Oh. Because it's cIean?

Because there's no graffiti?

Because there are no deIinquent teenagers sniffing ToiIet Duck in the arcade?

And how d'you think it stays that way?

Ooh, heIIo, Wendy, Iove. Is that a My LittIe Pony Iunch box?

Pop in the back and sit next to Auntie MiIIie, darIing.

You see, now your fingerprints are aII over this IittIe box, Joyce,

you're the prime...

No, you're the onIy suspect in that nasty IittIe business back at The Wicker Barn.

This is ridicuIous.

Oh, gosh, you don't want Jeremy's first day in the job

to invoIve sending you to the cIick-cIink for the next ten years, do you?

I wouIdn't want to be separated from my husband if he had buns Iike that.

- Why are you doing this to me? - That's not important.

What is important, however, is that you teII no one.

That was the mistake that Jeremy's predecessor made.

I'II be in touch.

- Nice bunch? - Mm.

(Man on radio) A suspected gas explosion wrought havoc in Little Stempington.

No one was hurt in The Wicker Barn but fire officers are counting occupants lucky.

Got a space for you right here, Mrs HazIedine.

How do you know my name? And isn't that a disabIed parking space?

Don't you worry about them.

Most of them are faking it, especiaIIy the ones in shopping scooters.

I make 'em park round the back.

Do that again and I'II piss in your petroI tank!

Nobody hoots at Mrs HazIedine, you fucking fuck.

Now take your ration book and fuck off home!

It's quite aII right. I am hoIding up the traffic.

Under controI, Mrs HazIedine. When you've finished, give me a shout

and I'II have someone Ioad your car.

Good morning, Mrs HazIedine. Peter Astbury, store manager.

And this is DougIas, your personaI shopper for today.

That'II be �8.50, pIease, Mrs HazIedine.

There must be some mistake.

Oh, er, I'm sorry, er, that's er, 5... �4.20.

Just �4. I'm very sorry.

There's about �70 worth of shopping here.

Very reasonabIe in here, don't you think, Joyce?

Are you aII right?

Oh, I thought I'd waIk to the supermarket today for a change

and somehow twisted my ankIe.

- It Iooks nasty. - I'II be fine.

I onIy Iive about four miIes away.

Four miIes? You can't waIk on that. Let me drive you.

Oh. I couIdn't impose. Ooh!

Ooh. WeII, maybe some of the way if it's not too much troubIe.

- Come on. - Oh, how kind.

Barbara. Barbara du Prez.

Joyce HazIedine.

PIeased to meet you, Joyce.

I know most of the faces around here but yours doesn't Iook very famiIiar.

- We've onIy just moved here. - Ah. How do you find LittIe Stempington?

Oh, you know.

Doesn't sound Iike you're enamoured yet.

- Not exactIy. - I feIt exactIy the same before HRT.

No, no, you don't understand.

Oh, you poor dear.

Sorry.

I don't usuaIIy burst into tears in front of perfect strangers.

Don't mind me, Joyce. I've worked the Samaritans' Christmas bazaar.

I know misery Ioves company.

I just feeI so aIone.

Listen, I was actuaIIy on my way to a coffee morning.

A reaIIy nice crowd. Why don't you come aIong?

Thank you.

WeII, weII, if it isn't Miss MarpIe herseIf.

I thought I couId smeII cat piss.

Looks Iike we're going to have to up the ante.

- DeIphiniums are Iooking good, Margaret. - Thanks, Barb.

This way, Joyce. Come aIong.

Quiet as you can. Baby asIeep upstairs.

- Joyce, hi. - Pam.

- Oh, my God. What happened? - Oh, yoga.

You Ieft so quickIy the other day. Is everything...OK?

Erm, fine.

you couId fit a whoIe saImon into this one.

I Iove the coIour-coordinated Iids.

I think we've got just the thing for you in here, Joyce.

Beretta nine-miIIimetre. Good, soIid pistoI.

Squeeze off a fuII cIip and you can stop a Fiat Panda at 50 yards.

- FeeI it.

This can't be happening to me.

Better put the kettIe on, Pam.

And bring in one of Margaret's home-made Swiss Iogs. Joyce needs a sugar infusion.

Have a sip of tea, Joyce.

- Is CamiIIa here? - That bitch?

That's enough, Pam.

I can imagine some of the things you're thinking, Joyce.

To an outsider, aII this must seem pretty strange.

But before you judge us, there are some things you shouId know.

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was kind and courteous to everyone.

But there was one person of whom she was especially fond.

Me. Between them, the two friends saw the good in everyone

until one day, when something very, very bad happened.

lt was a horrific experience.

But bizarrely, the two friends discovered that what doesn't kill you

sometimes makes you stronger.

So they made a pact that they would do their best

to ensure the streets of Little Stempington would never again be the target

of lowlife lawbreaking scum.

And once they started, they realised they actually quite enjoyed it.

So they did it again and again.

But then it all went wrong.

Camilla got greedy and she wasn't the only one.

She crossed over to the dark side,

taking Hilary and Lillian with her.

And ever since then, it's been our mission to stop her.

Good can't Iive in the same town as eviI, Joyce.

- WeII, why don't you go to the poIice? - CamiIIa got there first.

Jeremy said he died in a car crash.

When he suddenIy deveIoped a conscience,

CamiIIa arranged a IittIe road accident.

- Once she's got you she's got Jeremy.

Once he's got him, she's got aII of LittIe Stempington.

- Does the whoIe town know about this? - No.

But those who do are too frightened to taIk.

I haven't toId you about The Wicker Barn.

God's sake, get down, Joyce.

Ah! Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm pissing bIood aII over Margaret's new rug.

- It's Scotchgard protected.

- Better answer that, Joyce.

You might want to move the Panda, Joyce. We've decided to issue a IittIe warning.

You couId heIp us take her down, Joyce.

- How? - We've never had anyone on the inside.

Think about it. That's aII I ask.

- You shouId go now.

(Pam) Welcome to Little Stempington. (Hilary) Hello, Joyce.

- ..someone l'm dying for you to meet.

Joyce, at last.

Hold this and press that little red button, would you, Joyce?

You're the only suspect in that nasty little business back at The Wicker Barn.

(Hilary) l wouldn't want to be separated from my husband if he had buns like that.

(Camilla) You don't want Jeremy's first day in the job to involve

sending you to the click-clink for the next ten years, do you...do you...do you?

- They made me do it. - Too Iate for excuses, Joyce.

DarIing, pIease.

I'm afraid...

I'm gonna have to take you straight upstairs for questioning.

This pIace is gonna be so good for us.

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